Jaycee unfastened her seatbelt and turned to exit the car. Except before she opened the door, she stopped.
“Are you ok, Muse?” Beck asked from the driving seat.
Twisting to look at him, she considered him for a minute before opening her mouth. “Do you want to come in?” He probably hadn’t been expecting her to make the offer and she understood why he was surprised. “You know I’ve told her the truth, that the pregnancy is just a surrogacy. She’s asked about you but I… I’ve been vague. She doesn’t know you’re paying the bills. She doesn’t know the truth of who you are or how indebted to you we are—”
“You’re not indebted to me, Muse,” he said, taking her hand to kiss her knuckles. “Won’t it be weird?”
“This isn’t about me bringing you home to meet the family,” she teased, prodding at him. “I just hate the idea of you sitting out here waiting for me and I… I’d like you to meet her before… you know.”
He could finish that sentence in any way he liked, either before she lost him or before she lost Mavis. Jaycee would have to deal with both eventualities one day. Both of these people were important to her, the most important people she’d ever had in her life. Yeah, it might not be in the contract, but she wanted them to spend time together, even if it was just a few minutes.
“If it’s important to you I’ll come in,” he said. “But don’t do it ‘cause you’re worried about me. I’m fine on my own. I like being on my own.”
“So I’ve been told,” she said, leaning over the center console to seek his mouth, which he gave her.
They shouldn’t really be kissing away from the privacy of the home they shared. But this was a care home parking lot and there wasn’t anyone else in sight.
“Huh,” he said as he eased away to consider her. “Everyone else I know is so used to me shutting the door in their face that they think of me as a solitary person. I guess I’d never thought about how you don’t know that side of me.”
“That’s ‘cause I don’t give you a minute’s peace,” she said and grabbed his hand. Beck was as likely to be chasing her around or calling her into the studio as she was to be on his tail. They had built a kind of codependency that probably wasn’t healthy, but it was an addiction that neither of them knew how to shake. “I know the point isn’t for the boys to know anything about me. But, if one day they ask, I’d like it if you met the person who raised me.”
Yes, she didn’t like him out in the parking lot alone, but Jaycee also knew these children growing inside of her may be the only legacy she ever had and that meant they were the only legacy Mavis would have too.
Damn.
That was a sad thought and tears warmed her eyes.
“Girl,” he said, running a finger down her jaw.
She caught it and kissed the tip before smiling at him. “It’s ok, I’m just… hormonal, you know.”
Beck had to be used to her crazy moods by now. So instead of trying to comfort her or drawing attention to her upset, he just got out of the car and came around to open her door.
The act of accompanying her should’ve made her so happy, but it was so touching too that her tears didn’t dry until they were at Mavis’ room. Beck gave her a minute to calm herself and smudged the dampness from the corner of her eyes before she opened the door.
Mavis was sitting in front of the fireplace with a solitaire game spread on the card table in front of her. Good, that was good, it suggested Mavis was having a good day. When her Gamma looked up, Jaycee smiled and felt behind her for Beck’s hand.
“You brought a bodyguard,” Mavis said then smiled. “I don’t have the power to ground you anymore, Jaycee. You shouldn’t be afraid of me.”
Definitely a good day if she was making jokes like that. “Gamma,” she said, pulling Beck forward. “This is Guy.”
When she put a hand on her stomach, Mavis put the pieces together and her smile got wider. “Ah, yes, Guy. Hello.”
“Hi,” Beck said. “It’s a pleasure to meet you Mrs. Kirk.”
“Jaycee,” Mavis said, taking her attention away from Beck. “That care manager boy was looking for you, he said something about new paperwork or something… I said I would send you along to the office when you came to visit.”
Mavis had just glazed over Beck’s introduction. “Right,” Jaycee said, thinking how unlike her grandmother it was not to be polite to new people. “We’ll just go to—”
“Oh no, leave your friend here. I promise not to ground him either.”
Jaycee’s mouth opened as she turned to Beck, but he was smiling. Whatever her grandmother was up to, it seemed that Beck was up for the challenge. “On you go, girl,” he said, taking off his jacket. He went past her, his focus pinned on Mavis. “We’ll be just fine.”
Beck wasn’t the most social of people, but for some reason, her grandmother intrigued him. “Yes,” Mavis said, gesturing at the seat on the other side of her card table. “We will.”
When Jaycee had asked Beck to come in she hadn’t expected to be excused, but what was she supposed to do? They were sizing each other up and for some reason, neither was shrinking from the challenge being presented by the other. “Ok then,” Jaycee said, edging to the door. “I’ll just… I’ll go then.”
“Don’t hurry back,” Mavis said, eyeing Beck.
“Take your time,” Beck said, giving Jaycee no choice but to turn and depart, leaving them alone.
It took her forty minutes to track the guy down and deal with the paperwork. Jaycee didn’t think there actually had been business to deal with but as she discussed it with the manager, she found out they’d been trying to get hold of her for weeks.
So, what was this? Had Mavis just been holding on to the knowledge until she wanted an excuse to get rid of her granddaughter?
Jaycee went back into Mavis’ room and was about to ask exactly that, but came to a screeching halt when she saw what the pair were doing.
“Oh my god!” she exclaimed and rushed forward.
Mavis was in her chair, where Jaycee had left her, except now she was holding an open box of charcoals on her lap. The cards and the table were gone, and Beck was on his feet in front of the fire place with a lump of charcoal in his blackened fingers.
And right there, right on the goddamn wall, he was drawing… her!
“Your friend has talent,” Mavis said, wearing a grin.
“My friend is an idiot,” she said, gaping at Beck, but he just narrowed his eyes like he was trying to focus on some detail of her features and then began to blend the shade on his creation over her cheekbone with his pinkie. “B… Guy! You’re drawing on the wall! Like a two-year-old!”
“Not like a two-year-old,” Mavis said. “He’s quite proficient. Sit down and watch; it’s quite amazing.”
“Yes,” she said, knowing just how amazing it was to watch the man work. “But if you get kicked out of here for drawing on the walls—”
“Oh, you can put it back the way it was once I’m dead,” Mavis said.
Jaycee squawked though Beck laughed. “Mav, she’s emotional enough these days, don’t give her ammo,” he said.
Mav? He was calling her Mav? And why was he still streaking the charcoal and blending the color on the wall. “I told your friend how wonderful it would be to have a picture of you in my room and voila…”
“She said charcoals were her favorite,” he said, assessing his work as Jaycee rushed to the bedside and snatched up the framed photograph from the nightstand. “I haven’t worked with charcoal in years… Why don’t we do this at home, Muse?”
“He says you’re his muse,” Mavis said.
She couldn’t figure out why Beck would admit something like that when they never admitted it to anyone. Her grandmother was just as likely to chatter to her cronies about her visitors and blow their cover as anyone at AD might. Though with Beck leaving evidence scrawled all over the walls, they had more to worry about than gossip.
It had been a long time since she’d seen Mavis this happy, but Jaycee couldn’t contain her panic as she rushed to thrust the picture into her grandmother’s hands. “He has a big mouth. And you have a picture of me right here.”
“This doesn’t count,” Mavis said, turning the photograph face down on her lap. “He really captures you… Have you modeled for him?”
It wasn’t like Mavis to be so audacious. Jaycee had left Beck here for forty minutes, how had he managed to draw her grandmother out so fast? “I’m not going to answer that question,” she said, seeing the mischief in her grandmother’s eyes. Grabbing hold of Beck, she pulled him away from the picture on the wall and kept dragging him until they were in the hallway outside the open bedroom door. “What are you doing?”
“We’re bonding,” he said and shrugged. “She was talking about your grandfather, and your mom. Damn, Muse, did your mom try to toss you in the system? Why didn’t you ever tell me that?”
More had happened in the last forty minutes than she could’ve guessed. The pair couldn’t have spent much time circling each other; they must have gotten straight down to the nitty-gritty. Jaycee should’ve known better than to trust either of them with the other. How had she not seen this coming? Both of them cared about her too much to pass up an opportunity to get to know someone so integral in her life. Though how Mavis had known about the depth of Jaycee’s connection to Beck, she couldn’t begin to imagine.
But the idea that Beck could compare their upbringings was insane. Yes, she had a horrific relationship with her parents, but at least she knew who they were. And she had Mavis to bail her out when her life fell apart. Beck had been alone. He’d had no one. He’d never known any kind of love, hence why he wanted such a different life for their boys… his boys. Not theirs or hers; his.
Feeling them move inside her made this whole situation so real and she had battled so many demons that she’d kept secret from him. Jaycee had known from the beginning that she would have to walk away, but it was so much easier to make that decision before the babies became actual human creatures with heartbeats and futures.
“Trying to toss me into the system is not the same as actually being tossed in,” she said. “What I went through is nothing to what you endured. My mother was a heartless bitch, yes, but Mavis saved me.”
Examining her, he shook his head. “Muse, if you share this stuff with me, it will make a difference.”
“A difference to what?” she asked, thinking about their relationship. Nothing could salvage that. After the boys were born, she was going to be on her own, there was no way to avoid it. “Mavis shouldn’t have been talking to you about that stuff… She doesn’t even talk to me about my grandfather.”
Seizing her hand, he pulled her to him. “To our work. It makes a difference to the art, Muse. It bonds us.”
Like the sex they’d been having bonded them, the living together, working together, and procreating together. All of it brought them nearer to each other. The gritty feel of his fingers made her look down and she saw the black transferring from him to her. “You’re dirty,” she whispered.
“I want to put you on the boys’ wall,” he said. “Just like this.”
Oh God, did he really just blurt that out? How could he think about doing such a crazy thing? How could he think she’d be ok with it?
“No!” she said, yanking her hand away from his to back off. “No, don’t make them worship me. Don’t make it like that. They’ll think… I don’t know, that I died in childbirth or something and it’s not like that. You can’t ever show them pictures of me. You can’t ever…” It hadn’t occurred to Jaycee how much evidence of herself she was leaving behind by being his muse. “We have to burn them.”
“Burn what?” he asked, wearing a scowl.
“The pictures, your sketches…. Anything with me in it.”
His immediate revulsion and anger told her he didn’t like that idea. It was almost like he was offended by it. “Why?” he demanded. “You think you’re not imprinted in my mind? You don’t think my hands know how to draw you on instinct. I don’t need you in front of me, Muse. I don’t need a picture. You’re in my head every minute.”
Slowly, she shook her head and pleaded with him. “You can’t,” she whispered and tiptoed to him to beg. “Please, Beck, promise me you’ll never draw me for the boys.”
Now there was pain in his eyes as he softened. “Why not?” he asked and when he touched her jaw she knew he’d have left a streak of charcoal on her skin, but she liked being marred by the signs of his craft. Damn her for it, but she did. “Girl, I can give you to them. I can make you real for them.”
Which was exactly what she didn’t want. “No,” she whispered. “Because if they knew…”
Desperation to understand made him plead with her. “Knew what?” he asked, struggling to keep his calm while he was so confused. Jaycee knew she wasn’t making sense, but couldn’t think of how to make herself clear without being explicit, which was something they’d avoided. “What can’t they know? I don’t want to lie to our children, Jayc. I thought you understood how—”
“What will you say if they ask you if you ever loved me?” she asked. His open mouth closed. “You can’t draw me on their wall, Maestro, not on paper, not anywhere. You can’t ever tell them about me. You can’t talk about me. Because if they knew about this… about us… they’d never understand why I walked away.”
It seemed so horrific and she began to hate herself with a burning kind of disgust. How could she love the father of her children and still walk away from their offspring? She understood it, knew how her upbringing guaranteed she’d never be able to bond with her children. Jaycee knew it would be selfish of her to stay with Beck when their children would be the ones to suffer for their love in the long-term.
Her mother had resented her from before she was born and the hatred that existed in her childhood home was exactly what Beck wanted to avoid.
Her maestro wanted nothing but love in his house and that was something he was capable of giving. Jaycee didn’t have it in her. Something inside her was faulty and it didn’t matter that the feeling of inferiority made her despise herself; there was nothing she could do about it. Jaycee wasn’t able to offer any kind of maternal love, it was foreign to her, and she wouldn’t force her children to endure her shortcomings.
Beck took a step backwards. “I’ll wait in the car for you.”
Yes, that was best. Distance. So, as he retreated, she said nothing, just breathed through her need to cry and watched him disappear down the corridor.
One day, soon, she’d have to walk away from him. He wouldn’t be waiting for her in any car. Wouldn’t be sitting at home expecting her to return. They’d part and never come back together, and this would all be a secret.
Their relationship.
Their love.
No one knew it existed and she’d just made him promise to never tell the two people who it might really matter to. Jaycee was right, she knew she was and Beck knew it too, that was why he’d walked away.
Some truths were too difficult to say out loud. Their doomed love was one thing that could never be confessed, to anyone.
It didn’t matter that her heart ached and her body screamed when it wasn’t near his.
It didn’t matter that his name was on her lips first thing every morning and last thing every night.
They wanted different things and would never be able to make each other happy, and that meant that in the future they’d be exactly where they were this minute: apart.