Chapter 25
I’m Allergic to Boobs
After that night with Adrian, I’ve thought about little more than being with him again. Once I realized he didn’t want me to do for him, what he’d done for me, I slowly put my clothes back on, wondering what the hell just happened.
I left his room before he got out of the shower, and I’ve not seen him since. Granted, I’ve tried to avoid him, but I’m not sure why. I guess I’m slightly offended he didn’t want more from me, yet I told him I didn’t want him to want more.
And… that’s the emotional cycle I’ve been riding for two days.
***
Wednesday morning I meet with Professor Stack before class to let him know I’m not going to be able to tutor anymore this semester. He’s pretty upset, so I agree to help for another two weeks. I squeeze my way through the row of seats, filled with students, and my ass is barely in the seat before Robert grabs my hand.
Pulling it up his nose, he yells, “Oh my God. I love that ring.”
I know I told Adrian I wouldn’t tell our friends that we’re not actually together, but I have to tell someone. I've only known Robert a few weeks, but he’ll love the entire story. He’ll be intrigued by Adrian’s ridiculous reasoning, the dramatic and cheesy proposal, and he’ll love that I’m going to be forced to spend more time with Adrian. I know this because Robert thinks much like I do.
"Yeah,” I say, casually. “I thought Adrian did a pretty good job picking out my engagement ring too.”
Robert jerks back, eyes going wide. "I'm sorry, what's this now? I thought I heard you say something about an engagement and Adrian, but I'm pretty sure I didn't wake up in an alternate universe.”
He’s so loud that the other students have all turned to face us, pure nosiness flashing in their eyes. I wave to them, then drop into my seat with a loud sigh.
"Robert, it's the most bizarre story and I'm not sure I can tell it without punching myself in the face for being a complete idiot."
His face contorts. “Why do you always have to be so violent? I mean, it's like you don't even know you're a girl."
I shrug. "It stems from my general dislike of people."
His eyes go wide as he rolls them away from me. “Okaaaay,” he says, drawing out the word, “enough about your antisocial personality and serial killer tendencies. Tell me more about how you're, all of a sudden, engaged to that hot man muffin."
Just then the professor drops his book loudly onto his desk to get our attention for the beginning of the lecture. I hear Robert sigh dramatically next to me.
“It's incredibly annoying when these classes have to interfere with our social lives." He looks at me and points a finger in my face. "Don't you dare think you're getting out of this. You and me after class."
I spend the entire class reliving the stupid proposal and trying to recall Adrian’s exact words. Why did he have to go and complicate this whole arrangement? I agreed to babysit his ass only because he looked so tortured when he talked about his brothers. That reminds me; he promised he’d tell me about them. Well, not so much promised, but I’ll tell him he did. No way he’ll remember exactly what he said.
At the end of class, Professor Stack assigns a research paper, due next week. Everyone groans as we begin packing up. It’s then I realize I missed the entire lecture. I have not one fucking thing written on in my notebook. I’m about to tell Robert I’m gonna need a copy of his when he points a finger in my face again.
“Start talking,” he says before anyone has even stood to leave.
“Can we at least leave the class, maybe go to lunch?”
He shakes his head. “Nope, this is way too good to wait for. I need to hear this now.”
“Too bad,” I say, grabbing his hand, “let’s go to the library.”
Robert stomps his foot and sticks out his bottom lip. I ignore him and tug on his hand again. He pitches forward, almost falling onto his face. I laugh but cover my mouth when I see he looks pissed.
“Remind me why I’m friends with you?” he asks after he rights himself.
I keep walking, forcing him to follow. “Because, we’re soul mates, remember?”
He presses his lips together and nods. “This is true.”
We get to the library, and I make Robert find the books he’s been needing for another class project before I tell him my story. We find a couch tucked in a corner, and we both fall into it. He gestures for me to continue, refusing to ask out loud again.
“Okay,” I begin, having to speak quietly because we’re in the library. “So we’re eating lunch and I fart, out loud.”
Robert palms my face, silencing me. “Please tell me you just made that shit up. I’m not sure I can associate with you if that story is true.”
I knock his hand away. “As I was saying, I farted. Everyone went silent, staring at me like I was twerking naked.”
He shakes his head, then mutters, “Where do you come up with this shit?”
Still ignoring him, I go on. “That’s when the puny dork ran into his room—”
“You mean the extremely attractive, incredibly funny guy you’re in love with?” Robert asks, interrupting me again.
I point my finger at him, a half inch from his nose, causing him to look cross-eyed at it. “I swear to God, if you ever accuse me of being in love, with anyone, let alone that pencil penis, I will use your kryptonite against you.”
I don’t joke about things like being in love, or even being in like with someone.
Robert gasps. “You wouldn’t.”
Leaning back, I drop my finger and tilt my head to the side. “Do you know me at all?”
He does know me, which is why he looks a little terrified.
“It’s as if you enjoy other people's suffering,” Robert says while scooting further away.
“Can I tell my story?”
He gestures for me to continue.
“Okay, so he drops to his knees beside my chair and begins spouting off shit about how he started to fall in love with me after my zombie apocalypse rant. He goes on to talk about all the other stupid things I’ve done since we met, and how he decided a couple weeks ago, he wants to marry me. Sometime, in the last two weeks, he bought this,” I say, pointing to the ring. “Then he asked me if I would marry him sometime in the future.”
Robert looks at me stone-faced. “That was so anticlimactic I think I have blue balls.”
I shrug. “That’s probably because it’s not real.”
I’m going to keep saying this to myself, and out loud, every chance I get. This will be one of my survival techniques. If I believe this whole relationship is just for show, the more likely I am to come out the other side in one piece.
“I’m sorry,” he says, “I’m confused. You need to start talking and I’ll raise my hand if I have any questions.”
I lean back in my seat, then go on to explain Adrian’s bizarre proposal.
Robert raises his hand, looking skeptical. “He wants you to be with him all the time, act like his girlfriend, and make everyone believe you are his girlfriend?”
I shift my weight, hoping if I move around I’ll get rid of the uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. “It’s ridiculous, but I get my rent paid, which means I don’t have to tutor anymore, and I get to make out with him.”
Robert holds his hands out in front of him, palms facing me, fingers spread. “Stop right there. That’s where you should have started with this lame ass story. Now, tell me about the making out.”
Because I’m totally the kind of girl to kiss and tell, I do. I tell him about the kiss after the proposal, and the make-out session last night.
"I told him no sex, and he agreed,” … too quickly in my opinion.
Robert looks skeptical. “You're really going to just make out like a couple of teenagers, and not get to the good part?"
I sigh. "Not gonna lie, I've been pretty horny lately, and he had me thoroughly worked up last night. If he would've asked, I don't think I could've said no. He’s got my head screwed up. I mean, he’s not my—”
“Not your type,” Robert says, interrupting me. “Yeah, you’ve mentioned that, but I’ve also seen you two kiss, and I’ve seen the way your vagina gravitates toward him when he’s in the same room.”
I close my eyes and drop my head back. “My vagina is a problem. Good thing my head knows better. I just have to keep reminding myself how much I don’t like him.”
“You totally love him,” Robert mutters under his breath.
“What did you say?” I ask, leaning closer.
I warned him to not talk of me that way again, and I have to stick to my threat. Otherwise, what will he have learned?
He throws his hands up, trying to defend himself. “I forgot, I’m sorry,” he begs, but it’s too late.
I grab his hand and lay it on my boob.
Robert screams as he jerks his hand away from me. He’s waving it furiously while blowing on it as if putting out a fire.
“I touched your boob!” he yells. “You know I’m allergic.” He begins frantically searching his pockets with his other hand. “Where’s my Epi-pen? Oh, God, it’s going to swell up then my whole arm will fall off.”
I watch in amusement as he begins flailing around on the couch like he’s having a seizure. Other students are peeking around bookshelves, and I think one kid is videoing this comedy on his phone.
“How can you stand there and watch me suffer?” he cries.
I hold up my hands, palms out. “Serves you right. Death by boob seems like an appropriate punishment for your slander.” I walk over and pat his cheek. “I’ll send Adrian over to give you mouth-to-mouth."
Robert is now gasping for breath. As his body stops seizing, he peeks open one eye. “Promise?” he asks, hopefully.
I shake my head. “No, but I’ll help end your misery faster,” I say as I grab his other hand and shove it between my legs.
“Ahhh, coochie cuties,” he screams and pulls his hand from between my legs. He begins the whole allergic reaction episode all over again as I turn to leave, laughing like an evil villain.