Chapter 48
Born Without Breath But Not Without Love
We ride together, in my car, this time. The cemetery is not far from my moms, so it takes us about twenty minutes to get there. On the drive, we talk about what each of us has been up to for the past few years. I even laughed a couple of times when he talked about his bandmates and some of the shit they've gotten into.
I talk about how, although I’d decided to keep the baby, I still planned on going to college. My mom was determined that we would make it work, saying I could have a baby and still become a doctor. I was going to commute from home, and she’d work her schedule around mine as much as possible, and we’d recruited our neighbors to help when needed. I started bleeding and lost him, just a few days into the first semester, so all the plans were unnecessary.
I park at the bottom of a small hill, at the cemetery. This is where the babies are buried, the ones who never lived, or only had a few days of life. There’s a small, decorative, brick wall at the bottom, facing the road. It has a large piece of marble in the center that reads, “When angels come to visit us here on earth, they can't stay for long.”
As I wait for Jack to round the car, I watch the leaves of the big oak, at the top of the hill, as a few fall to the ground. There’s a slight breeze that picks up several of the orange and yellow leaves, carrying them a few feet, before allowing them to again, fall to the ground.
Without looking at Jack, I begin the short climb. When I get to the spot where our tiny boy is buried, I step to the side, allowing Jack to step up next to me. When he looks down at the small headstone, I hear his sharp intake of breath. Still looking at the name engraved on the stone, he wraps his arm around my shoulder and pulls me tight against him.
He begins to speak but has to clear his throat several times before he's able to get the words out.
"You named him after me and your brother?”
I nod, as I too read the words written in stone.
Jaxon Tyler Hughes
August 26th, 2010
“Born Without Breath But Not Without Love”
“It’s perfect,” he says after a couple of sniffles.
I don’t know if he’s talking about the name or the headstone, but it doesn’t matter—I love both.
After a few moments of comfortable silence, with his arm still around my shoulders, he squeezes again, but this time pulling me into another hug.
He kisses my forehead then reaches for my hand, tugging on it as he turns to go. As we walk to the car, he shakes his head, before looking over his shoulder at me. “You are one fucking amazing girl, you know that?”
Um, nope, especially not today.
“You’ve survived three men leaving you behind and the death of a child—hell you even named your baby after two of the asses that left you.” I frown, having never thought of it that way. “And after all that, you’re still an amazingly strong, independent, witty, and determined woman.”
“You forgot beautiful,” I say, uncomfortable with his compliment.
He chuckles softly. “Well, yes of course, that too.”
He opens my car door and I climb in. I stare up the hill in the direction of the grave, as he walks around and climbs in the other side.
When we get back to the park and his motorcycle, he pulls me into one last hug.
“Thank you,” I say into his chest.
“For what?” he asks, his chest vibrating against my cheek.
“For finding me… for listening… for not hating me.”
He lets out a long slow breath. “I’m pretty sure I’m the one who should be thanking you for not hating me.”
That’s it, that’s all we say. No more discussion about why he came to see me or the past. As he climbs on his bike, he says one last thing. “I promise I’ll keep in touch this time.”
On the drive back to the park, Jack entered his number into my phone, and my number into his. I don’t know if we’ll talk again, but I do know I’ll be okay if we don’t.
***
Adrian
I lie on my bed, waiting for her to return, staring numbly at the ceiling. I’ve already run through every possible scenario of what she’s been doing since I saw her leave with Jack. At one point I was so angry, I put my fist through the wall. I’ve not had this much testosterone raging through my veins… well, ever.
I tried using GPS to locate her phone again but only found that her phone had been turned off. I’m sure that was a good thing because if I’d got to her this time, I likely would’ve gone caveman.
I know I fucked up on multiple levels. She’s protected herself, from the pain that relationships bring, for several years now. I come along, become obsessively fascinated with her, and convince her to trust me. Less than one week later and I’m lying alone in my bed, after practically chasing her into her ex-boyfriend’s arms.
I look at the clock and see she’s been gone for almost two hours. Unable to cope with my misery alone, I decide it’s time for some alcohol intervention.