Chapter 56
Ryder Again
The next few days are pretty awkward as we explain to our friends about our pretend-but-not-really relationship and as we try to figure out how to act around each other. Adrian is struggling the most with his physical proximity to me. Every time he walks into our apartment, and I'm sitting in the living room or the kitchen, he looks around trying to determine where to sit. I'm no help because I don't know where he should set either.
On Monday, Ryder comes over to pick up Shyanne for some horse auction. Adrian and Kade are in our kitchen, Shy’s in the shower, and I’m reading a book on the couch. This is the first I’ve seen Ryder since his kinda confession. He can’t see the guys in the kitchen, so when he sits next to me, extremely close to me, I try to warn him with my eyes.
He doesn’t speak the language of girl expressions. I know this because of what he says next.
“Heard pretty boy fucked up.”
I blink a couple times, waiting for my brain to come up with some genius way out of this awkwardness. Instead, I say, “Um…” and blink some more.
Ryder’s mouth curls up one side. “Know it’s too soon, but want you to know I’m making my play when I see you’re ready.”
A couple more blinks, and another “Um…”
I shoot a nervous look at the kitchen when I hear a low noise, almost a growl. The sound of a chair scooting across the floor echoes through the now very quiet apartment. Ryder closes his eyes, seeing his mistake.
Adrian slowly enters the living room, chest heaving, looking at me, then narrowing his eyes on Ryder. “What’s her favorite day of the month?” he asks, confusing us both.
What is he doing?
Ryder stands, leaving his arms hang at his side. “Listen, I’m sorry—”
“Just answer the question,” Adrian snaps, not interested in an apology.
Ryder glances down at me with a questioning look. I shrug, having no clue what Adrian’s getting at.
“The tenth,” Adrian says, answering his own question. “The tenth of every month because that’s when Tactical Supplies Unlimited sends out their new-items email.”
This is true. TSU is my absolute favorite supply store. I get most of my shit from survival supply stores, but nothing gets my blood pumping like big guns and night vision goggles.
Adrian goes on with his bizarre line of questions. “Have you ever noticed the adorable little crease that forms above her top lip when she smiles?”
I groan, wiping any hint of a smile from my face. I hate that crease. My mom calls it my double smile, but I call it future Botox.
Before Ryder can answer, Adrian asks, “Is she more afraid of ketchup or mustard?”
Ryder’s face contorts. “The fuck you talkin’ about?”
Adrian answers himself again. “Both, she’s equally terrified of all condiments.”
Okay, now I’m thinking his game is to scare Ryder off. I push to my feet, planning to clarify. “I’m not “afraid,” I say, using air quotes, “of condiments… just utterly repulsed by them.”
Ryder gives me an amused smile, and Adrian arches a brow, tipping the corner of his mouth too. Oh for shit sake. I don’t need either of them looking at me like that. I point a finger at Adrian.
“That’s enough.”
Adrian holds up his hands as he takes a step closer to the door. “Just wanna be clear that I’m not making a play.” He looks from Ryder, back to me, and his expression is no longer amused. “I’m all in.”
He drops his hands and walks out the door, leaving me feeling like a piece of shit. My instinct is to go after him and either defend myself or tell him how proud I am that he didn’t blow up and start jumping around like an ape, smearing feces on the walls. Instead, I let him go, knowing he needs to trust me for this to work.
“Fuck,” Ryder says, “I didn’t know—”
I cut him off, shaking my head. “It’s okay. We did kinda break up, but I wouldn’t say we’ve gone our last round yet.”
He graces me with another of his half smiles and cocks his head to the side. “Not our time, I guess.”
I lift one shoulder. “Guess not,” I say because I have no fucking clue what else to say.
***
As, I should have predicted, Adrian was MIA for the rest the day and evening. I finally text him and asked where he went.
Me: where are you?
Adrian: at my aunt's
Me: staying all night?
Adrian: yes. think I'm going to commute for a few days
Me: why
Adrian: need to focus on growing up
I smile at my phone. He may actually be making progress.
Me: okay, be safe
Adrian: you too
The next day I decide to try to make a some progress of my own. I call to make an appointment at the campus counseling center. I've also decided to stop volunteering in the NICU. I may volunteer on another floor once I get my head straight.
My first counseling session was two days later. The therapist seemed nice enough, but I don't think she was too impressed with me. I'd eaten something for lunch that day, that wasn't sitting well, so I curled into a ball, on her couch, while we talked. There were two chairs in front of her desk, and the couch set behind the chairs. It’s likely there for ambiance because every shrink’s office should have one, but my stomach hurt like a bitch. Did she expect me to sit in a chair, feeling miserable, when there was a better option right behind me?
Anyway, I go back next week and, between now and then, I'm supposed to journal when I think about my dad, brother, Jack or the baby. Gemma's idea, of going to the barn with Shyanne, is sounding more appealing. I would much rather play with horses then write down all my feelings so Dr. Freud can analyze them.