“What did you tell Mom?”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Luke asks groggily. “Why are you calling so early?”

I press my cell phone against my ear. “I just spent the last twenty minutes trying to convince Mom that I’m not going through a mid-life crisis.”

“Did she buy it? Because I don’t.”

“I’m not at my mid-life yet. Luke! What the fuck did you say?” I lean back in my chair and look at the closed office door. The day has just started and I already want it to end. “I have a meeting in ten minutes. Just tell me what you said.”

“I told her the truth. You’re becoming even more of a shut-in. You won’t let yourself move on. Lexi and I forgave you but you won’t forgive yourself.”

His bluntness takes me by surprise. Both at the accusation and of speaking about forgiveness. Lexi used those words, told me she forgave me for all the shit I did, but Luke never did. I was able to pick up on his forgiveness for me being a total asshole by his behavior, like not trying to punch me when we were around each other, and things gradually got better from there, to the point where he asked me to be Harper’s godfather.

My office phone rings, and I can tell by the extension it’s Caitlin Black. I’m not in the mood to talk to her right now. Hell, I’m not in the mood to talk to anyone right now. Ever since Ana left yesterday, I’ve been feeling particularly shitty. And short-fused. It’s going to be a long fucking day.

“Look,” Luke begins and his tone changes. “When I thought I was going to burn to death, my life didn’t flash before my eyes like it does in the movies, but it did hit me how I’d been living for me and me alone. I realized that my life had been wasted.”

I ignore the incoming call, hitting the button to silence it. Four years ago, Luke was badly injured in a fire that almost took his life. He’s never talked about it to me before, and I’ve never allowed myself to think about him, lying there trapped under a fallen beam, surrounded by flames.

My chest tightens. Luke and I didn’t get along as kids. He’s always irritated the shit out of me. I’ve always been jealous of how easily things come for him. But right then and there, it hits me how close I was to losing my brother.

And how much that would hurt.

If Luke, who pulled people out of burning buildings, responded to car accidents, and other horrible situations, thought he was wasting his life, what the hell am I doing with mine?

“I never thought having a successful career was a waste,” I spit a little too bitterly.

“I don’t think it is either. If that’s what makes you happy then go for it. But I don’t believe you’re happy.”

“Since when do you care?”

“You’re my brother,” he states as if it’s obvious. “We’re family. That’s what we do: care.”

I clench my jaw but feel a knot in my chest loosen. “Thanks.”

“Don’t get sappy on me.”

I roll my eyes. “Seriously, now, what did you tell Mom?”

“I told you that you met this great woman who was into you obviously enough for everyone to notice and you pushed her away. Because you did. Ana left yesterday, and I know you didn’t tell her how you feel. If you did, I’ll call Mom back and tell her I’m wrong.”

I can’t recall a time when Luke ever admitted he was wrong about anything. Hearing him admit it would be fun. Dammit. He’s not wrong now, either. I close my eyes and think back to the airport. Ana was leaving, getting on a plane and traveling miles and miles away.

Away from the city.

Away from me.

Away from the risk of her heart getting broken.

Again.

I’ve made mistakes in the past and I don’t want to make them again. Live and learn. Doing the same thing twice and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. I’ve loved. I’ve lost. I’ve let the heartache bring out the worst in me.

And then it hits me so hard I almost drop my phone. I’m not just afraid of hurting Ana. I’m fucking terrified of her hurting me. I’ve closed up my heart, put up walls so high I didn’t even see it coming.

I don’t know if I can survive another heartbreak. I don’t know what I’ll become if another failed love is thrown my way. I don’t want to be a monster again. I don’t want to go so far into the dark no amount of light can bring me back.

I pulled that coin out of my pocket, mentally giving control to each side. Heads, and I’ll tell her how I feel. Tails, and I send her on her way with friendly well-wishes. The coin landed on tails, but I couldn’t help myself and I kissed her, blurring the lines between a romantic confession and a friendly goodbye.

“She’s coming back,” I tell Luke. “This weekend.”

“Hell yeah,” Luke says, and even though he’s tired—I’m pretty sure I woke him up, forgetting he works nights and most likely just got home and into bed an hour or two before I called—he sounds genuinely happy for me. Which of course annoys me. Because that’s the kind of black-hearted person I am. He’s happy for me, thinking Ana and I are dating.

But he’s wrong.

“So, you told her you like her then?”

I sigh. I invited her back to attend a book release party for one of Black Ink’s most notable fantasy authors. It’s the last book in his twelve-book series, and only a handful of us here know he’s retiring after this, and he is making the announcement at the party.

So yeah…I chickened out of inviting Ana back for personal reasons. And I don’t want to tell that to Luke. Though if he wasn’t half asleep, I’m sure he’d figure it out. He’s accompanying Lexi to the same party and knows I have to be there.

“I have to go to my meeting,” I say, cutting him off. “Talk to you later. Tell the girls I said hi.”

“Wait,” Luke says and I cringe. I really don’t want to be called out right now, and I don’t know if I can control my temper.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing Thursday night?”

I blink. Did I hear him right? “Nothing. Why?”

“Lexi is having some sort of legging party at the house and I was planning on going out and getting out of the way. Do you want to come with and get a drink?”

“Yeah,” I say before I have a chance to reconsider. It might be the most awkward night in the history of nights, but my mind flashes to that shiny quarter and Ana’s words about not needing to be in control of everything. Luke is trying to get along.

I want to try too.

“Awesome. I’ll, uh, text you Thursday. Bye.”

I hang up and set my phone on my desk, rubbing my temple. What the hell just happened?

* * *

“That sounds like a solid plan,” I say, looking across the table at Caitlin Black. I’ve been in a meeting with her for the last forty-five minutes and have on my best poker face. Inside, I’m screaming “what the fuck?” over and over again and mentally creating a countdown until the lady retires. I think I’ll bring Champagne and cake into the office that day. Say it’s a going away party but really it’ll be a fucking celebration.

My stomach growls and all I can think about is getting something to eat. I skipped breakfast since I was on the phone with my mother and then Luke this morning, and Caitlin has held me, as well as Melissa, the head of the marketing department, hostage throughout lunch.

Caitlin redid the plans and schedules Melissa and I have spent countless hours working on, and her new way makes no fucking sense. She’s done this before, making changes with no real reason other than she can. The other publishers—who aren’t part of the Black family, know what an asshat Caitlin is and won’t make us implement her changes. But the time she’s wasted…we can never get that back.

Yeah, it’s going to be a fucking party here when she finally leaves.

“Cole,” Caitlin snaps when we all stand to leave. She curls her boney fingers in, motioning for me to come near. If she were wearing a black cape and a scythe, I’d think Death himself was calling to me. “I’ve been watching you.” Her words give me a jolt and I’m positive she knows I’ve been sleeping with Ana. I don’t know how, but she’s a fucking creep as it is. I wouldn’t put it past her to follow me around. “You’ve done good.”

I resist the urge to correct her grammar, instead smiling politely. “Thank you.”

“And the preorder numbers are impressive for Gregory Lawrence’s book. Though I still think you asked for an awfully big marketing budget. We’re not made of money here, and you’ll have to learn that if you want to move up.”

I blink, working hard not to give her a “are you for fucking real” look right now. Black Ink has deep pockets and Gregory’s series has spanned fifteen years, growing in popularity with each release. This last book concludes his series and people are going fucking nuts for it. I honestly wonder if Caitlin pays attention to anything coming out of the press. Well, besides her paycheck.

She forces a tight smile, and the expression looks odd on her, like she’s not sure how to do it sincerely. Without another word, she turns and leaves the conference room. I pull my phone from my pocket, having felt it vibrate during the meeting, and smile when I see Ana’s number on my screen.

Ana: I just woke up. New York City wore me out.

Me: Lucky. I’ve been in meetings all day and have one more conference before I can head out.

Ana: I don’t envy you. My only plans today are putting on new PJs, eating junk food, and writing a chapter of my book.

I start to type out a message, asking her if she went to her mom’s like she planned. I called her last night to see how her flight went and to make sure she got home safely. She assured me she was locked inside her apartment and nothing was out of place. Her neighbor across the hall had been keeping an eye on things for her while she was away. Our conversation didn’t last long; Ana’s mom and sister came over with dinner and ended up staying until late. She texted me at eleven PM her time and said she was going to bed. This is the first I’ve heard from her since.

I delete what I was writing and look at the blank text box. Fuck. I don’t know what to say. Luke’s words echo in my mind about being happy. I could have all the success in the world when it comes to my career, but it wouldn’t make me truly happy. Maybe it’s enough for some people, but it’s not for me. Hell, I’d take a demotion down from editor-in-chief to a plain old editor if it meant I could be with Ana…and if she could be with me.

I shake my head and look back at my phone, typing out a message.

Me: I’m looking forward to your next chapter.

I internally cringe as soon as I send it. Could I sound any lamer? And less interested in her?

Ana: Hopefully you like it. I’ll be working on a sex scene today. I guess you could say yesterday was rather inspirational.

Her text catches me by surprise and all of the sudden I’m getting turned on at the thought of her naked. Under me. On top of me. Fuck, I want her.

Me: Glad I could help. If you ever need more inspiration…

“Hey Cole,” Lexi says, walking by the conference room. Still smiling, I look up, remember where I am, and snatch my phone down to my side.

“Lexi. Hi. I didn’t realize you were here today.” I was too distracted to notice, that’s more like it. Lexi only comes into the office a few times a week, and what days she’s here varies based on when Luke works so one of them can be home with Harper. I don’t keep a tight schedule with Lexi, and I suppose someone could argue it’s a conflict of interest since she’s my sister-in-law. Lexi’s disorganized and a bit scatterbrained, but she always turns in projects on time, does an excellent job and has an impressive track record for taking on books that land on the bestseller lists. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it, right?

“Texting Ana?” she asks with a kind smile, eyes landing on my phone.

“No,” I say automatically and she gives me her best mom-glare. “You know?”

“Luke can’t keep a secret from me to save his life. He thinks he can, but he can’t. You two were hardly out the door at Paige’s birthday party and he told me.”

“Oh. It’s not like that.”

She raises and eyebrow. “Like what?”

“Whatever Luke said.” I’m sputtering and she knows it. But Lexi is too nice to call me out.

“All he said was you two were hooking up, you like her, but you won’t do anything about it.”

“It’s…it’s complicated.”

“Isn’t everything complicated when it comes to dating?”

I let out a snort of laughter. “Yeah. Can we talk in my office?”

“Sure. I was actually looking for you to sign off on this.” She holds out a folder and I raise an eyebrow. “You’re accepting another project? After you were forced to give one up?”

“It’s a proposal from an established author and we won’t even start for another three months. I’ll be done with Katie James’s latest novel in two months so the timing is perfect.”

“Works for me then.” I take the folder from her and we move into my office. Lexi shuts the door behind her and sits in the leather armchair across from my desk.

“I like Ana,” she starts. “Not in the same way you do, of course, but she’s really nice. And a good writer. Don’t forget I discovered her. You might be editing for her right now, but I accepted her book.”

I smile back at Lexi. “You can take the credit on that one.”

“So, you do like her though, right? I mean, if you two are hooking up, I’d assume so. I’ve never put much thought into your sex life, but you don’t strike me as the no-strings type of person.”

“I’m not. But she’s my author.”

“Is that the only reason you won’t move forward with things?”

“It’s a big factor.” It’s the truth, but only part of it and I hate that it feels like a lie.

Lexi shrugs. “You don’t have to go around the office telling people you’re dating right away. But you should at least tell her you want to date her.”

If I weren’t up for the promotion, things would be different. Anxiety spreads through me, making my empty stomach churn. Desperate impatience burns inside. I don’t want Ana to move on and forget me. I don’t want someone else to sweep her off her feet.

“It’s not that easy. It’s a messy situation.”

“Life is messy, Cole. There’s no way around it. Shit happens, plans get muddled, and things get dirty. I used to think a spotless life was what I needed in order to be happy. It took me a while to realize that going through life without a single hardship or disappointment meant a life where you’re just merely existing, not living. Life is full of constantly cleaning up messes. And love, well, love is even messier and the dirt is harder to scrub off. But instead of focusing on how clean you can get it, focus on who’s there to help you pick it up.”

I look out the office window at the city below, and the sentiment of Lexi’s words hit me hard. “I know,” I say softly, debating on telling Lexi about Ana’s ex. I don’t even know the guy’s name, let alone the major details. But knowing she’s been hurt—badly hurt—makes me hesitate. How can I heal her broken heart when I’m not sure mine is whole? I turn around and sit at my desk.

“Messy is worth it. Obviously, the start to my relationship with Luke was a hot fucking mess. But I’m so glad I muddled through. I love him so much. The girls love him. And he loves us. I was about to give up hope that true love was even real…and then I met Luke, under very out-of-character circumstances for me, I should add. It was meant to be, now that I look back at it.” She smiles at the thought, getting a bit of a glazed-over look in her eyes. “Messy can be hard. But I promise you, it can be worth it.”

“The last messy situation I was in didn’t end well.”

Lexi’s expression softens. “I don’t think…you’re, uh, you shouldn’t…”

“Just spit it out, Lexi.”

“You shouldn’t compare what you had to the possibility of a new relationship. That’s not a representation of love. You might have loved Heather, but she never loved you. You never experienced true love. Shit. That was so harsh. I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re…you’re right. She didn’t really love me. I gave her everything, and it wasn’t enough. So why would…forget it.”

“No. Don’t forget it. I understand.” She puts her hand on mine. “Why would someone else love you when you weren’t enough the first time around? After you put everything you had into it and it still wasn’t good enough, so the only possible reason things failed was because there was something horribly, irreversibly wrong with you.”

I look at Lexi and feel a tug on my heart. “Something like that. I didn’t know you felt like that.”

“Honestly, I still do from time to time. It took a while to realize that I can’t control how Luke feels. I look at myself and see my flaws, but Luke…Luke sees something else. For some reason, he loves me and my vices. And it’s the same for me with him. We both have flaws. Luke can be a bit of a hothead and I tend to jump to conclusions—and usually the worst ones—but we embrace each other for it. He helps me think rationally and I keep him calm. No one is perfect. No one is without fault. Just because you can’t see the good in yourself doesn’t mean it’s not there.”

I smile and give Lexi’s hand a squeeze. “I still think you’re too good for my brother,” I say with a smile.

Lexi smiles back. “Oh, we both know I am. I remind him of it on a daily basis so he’ll keep fighting to keep me.”

Being at the point of joking about the subject is huge. I liked Lexi before she became my sister-in-law, and I like her even better now. I was with Heather and Lexi was married when she first started working at Black Ink. She’s an attractive woman, but given our relationship statuses at the time, I never thought of her as anything else. I’m fucking grateful for that.

“You’re not a bad person, Cole.”

“I was.”

She shakes her head. “No. I never believed you were. Good people can make bad choices. I know I have a time or two.”

I nod. “Right.”

“Stop beating yourself up. Life is short. If you care about her, give this a chance. Tell her how you feel. You regret the things you don’t do the most, after all.”

* * *

I look at my phone, trying to think of something clever to say. Some sort of reason to text Ana. The workday is coming to an end, and I’ve thought about what Lexi said all day. Being with Ana complicates the hell out of things, but not being with her, not giving this a chance, is even worse.

She might not want to date me.

Or she might.

We might not last more than a month together.

Or things could go on forever.

I have no control over the unknown, and I hate it. I don’t like surprises. I like being prepared. There is nothing exciting in not knowing what’s coming.

I start and stop typing a text three times. I want to let her know how I feel, but I don’t want to do it via text. Or even over the phone. I’ll tell her when she comes back here this weekend for the release party. We’ll have time to get away, just the two of us, where I can confess everything. We’ll be together at an office function, further proving that I’m all in for giving things a shot. So for now, I just want some sort of casual conversation going because I enjoy just chatting with her. I don’t need a reason to do that. Or maybe I do?

Fuck. I’m not good at this. I dated other women in between my times with Heather, but it was never this hard. I suppose it was because I never cared this much.

Me: Your agent sent me your author bio. It doesn’t sound like you at all.

I send the text and—again—cringe at myself, worrying that could sound like an insult. I start to type out another message, but Ana is faster.

Ana: I had a hard time with that, to be honest. It’s weird writing about myself in the third person. What should it say instead?

My office door opens, and Caitlin steps in without knocking. I set my phone on my desk with the screen down and out of sight.

“Cole?”

Her voice is like fucking nails on a chalkboard. And babies crying. And forks scraping against plates. All at the same time.

“Yes, Caitlin?” I answer, looking up from my computer. She’s been bugging the shit out of everyone today, barking out orders and bossing around anyone she can. Two assistants broke down in tears after running into her. I think Caitlin realized her days are numbered and she’s panicking, needing to belittle and undermine as many employees as she can before she holds no more weight.

“My niece is coming into town tomorrow night. She’s in graduate school and wants to be an editor. I told her she could shadow you on Friday.”

There’s no way I can hide the “are you fucking kidding me” look this time. “Another editor would be a better example of what she can expect. Jillian Rogers is great—”

“I want her to spend a day with Black Ink’s best. Since you’re the editor-in-chief, I assume you’re the best. If not, then I was wrong to assume you’d be fit for the promotion.” Caitlin’s lips curve into what some would call a smile, but I know it’s a sneer. “What time should I tell her to be here?”

“Eight is fine,” I say flatly. I can get through the day. Because that night, Ana will be here. I’ll go through hell to get to that night.

“Oh, and she’s going to Gregory Lawrence’s release party.”

“Okay,” I say, not knowing why she’s telling me. Everyone from the press is invited. At least half are going.

“She was worried that she wouldn’t know anyone and doesn’t have a date. I’ve already put her down as your plus one.”