“What about them? Do you know them? I think she was on one of those Real Housewives shows. Can we talk to them?” Lindsay tugs on my arm. I grit my teeth, keeping the fake as fuck smile plastered on my face.

“No,” I say shortly. Lindsay’s taken aback, but at this point in the night, I don’t care. We haven’t been here all that long either. Fuck. “I don’t know them. But you can go introduce yourself. If she is one of those Housewives, she has a book published through the press. She’d love to meet someone related to the founders.”

“Really?” Lindsay’s eyes widen.

“Sure.” I honestly don’t fucking know, and I don’t fucking care. It became clear that Lindsay was using me the moment we walked in, and it was even clearer that she thought I was taking her home. Normally, having at attractive woman glom all over me for the sake of selfies and then offer the possibility of sex would make me amused. Almost happy. It’s happened before, but I’ve never acted on it since I’d sworn off romance, though it’s nice being seen as desirable.

Lindsay hurries off and I look around for Ana. She was just here, talking with Lexi and Erin. Luke is at the bar, drinking beer, watching sports, and talking with the other men who find these kinds of events boring. I’m too concerned about not knowing where Ana went to be annoyed with Luke. I hardly had the chance to say anything to her, let alone tell her I wasn’t here with Lindsay by choice.

There’s only one person I wanted to come with tonight, and that person is Ana.

“Did you see where Ana went?” I ask Lexi, scanning the busy room. People bustle by, talking and laughing, carrying food and drinks and blocking my fucking view. “She was just here.”

“I saw her put her drink down, and I think she went out that way,” Lexi says, looking at a set of double doors that lead outside. “You didn’t talk to her that much when she was here.”

I shuffle forward, getting away from Lindsay. “I haven’t had the chance. With everything going on with Gregory and then my shadow, it’s been—”

“Go find her,” Lexi interrupts. “She seemed a little surprised to find out you were here with a date. And I was too. Especially since Caitlin was the one to tell us she set you up.”

“Shit.” I shake my head. “It’s not really a date. Caitlin—”

“Doesn’t matter,” she snaps. “Sorry. I just like Ana, and I’ve been rooting for you. It’s hard to save a sinking ship when you keep poking holes in it.”

Sinking is exactly how I feel right now. Goddammit. “You’re right.”

My heart hammers in my chest. I didn’t mean to hurt Ana or to make her feel bad in any way. I was trying to juggle everything and now it’s all crashing down around me. I fucked up. Ana deserves so much better than me.

I bustle past a group of people coming in from the courtyard. They smell like cigarette smoke and are walking way too fucking slow. Panic rises inside me and I know if I don’t find Ana soon something terrible will happen.

She might leave.

I won’t get the chance to tell her how I feel.

I push open the double doors and step into the courtyard. Quiet fills the open space, and the doors shut behind me, closing out the sights and sounds of the party. I see her there, sitting on the edge of a fountain, looking like something from a movie. She’s beautiful.

“Ana?”

She startles, looking up and almost losing her balance. I rush forward, catching her before she slips back into the water.

“Cole. Hey.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?” she asks with a smile. Her eyes don’t mirror the carefree tone in her voice.

“For not telling you Caitlin made me take her niece as a date.”

“You could have said no,” Ana says softly, not looking at me. Then she shakes her head. “It’s fine. You’re allowed to come with whoever you want. It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter. There’s only one person I want to be with tonight. And you’re right. I could have said no. I should have. But I didn’t because I didn’t think it would be a big deal and I thought I’d be able to explain everything to you in person before the release party started. But I didn’t, and I’m so fucking sorry.”

Ana bites her lip and steals a glance at me. “It’s fine, Cole, really. It’s just a party. Like I said, none of this matters.”

I sit next to her on the ledge of the fountain. “You matter to me.”

She turns to face me, eyes glossy and brows pinched together, and looks at me incredulously. Her lips part, and she shakes her head ever so slightly. “Why?”

I never thought one word could break my heart. Yet it does. An icy chill takes over as the pieces shatter and settle on the floor. I could give her a thousand reasons why she matters, and I still wouldn’t have said them all.

Instead of talking, I reach out, slip my hand under a thick curtain of brunette curls. I push it back and slide my hand to her cheek. Ana’s long lashes come together in a blink, and I slowly bring her face to mine.

My heart melts the moment we kiss. Everything disappears around us while her soft lips are against mine. She opens her mouth and I slip my tongue inside, arms wrapping around her. I pull her close, feel the chill on her skin, and fumble as I unbutton my jacket, not wanting to take my mouth off hers.

“Thanks,” she breathes when I wrap my suit jacket around her bare shoulders. She looks absolutely stunning in the black evening dress she has on. She leans forward to kiss me again, but I know I shouldn’t. I turn my head.

“I’m no good for you.”

“I don’t believe that.”

“I hurt you tonight and I didn’t mean to. I planned to do the opposite, actually, and I still fucked this up. I like you, Ana. A whole fucking lot. Which is why I think it’s better if you stay far away from me.”

She doesn’t move away. Doesn’t take her hand off my thigh. Doesn’t look at me with any judgment in her eyes.

“I don’t believe that either.”

My throat thickens with each word in protest. I don’t want to say this, but for Ana’s sake, I will. “I’m not a good person, Ana. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. Mistakes that hurt people.”

“Everyone has. I know I have. We all do things that have a bad consequence. What matters is that most of the time, those things weren’t done on purpose.”

I can hardly bring myself to look at her. “What if I told you I did mean things to hurt people?”

She shakes her head, not knowing what to say. “You didn’t murder someone and hide the body, did you?”

I give her a small smile, appreciating this woman so fucking much. “If only.”

She takes my hand, running her fingers along my palm and then lacing them through mine. “So, tell me. Tell me why you think you’re not a good person.”

My head moves up and down, but no words form. I don’t want to tell her. She’ll never see me the same. “I’m afraid you won’t like me once you know the truth.”

“If I was right about the murdering thing, then I won’t. But I have a feeling your hands are clean.”

“In the killing aspect, they are.” I let out a breath. I’ve never told this to anyone, and have hardly let myself recognize that this is inside of me, though I know it’s been there for as long as I can remember. “I have a hard time being happy for other people. Seeing others’ successes and accomplishments doesn’t make me happy for them. It makes me feel like I’ll never have that, and I know how fucked up that is. Because it’s not true. One person being happy doesn’t make me less likely to be happy. Yet it feels like it, like there is only so much happiness to be distributed in the world and my cup will never be full. It’s a shitty quality to have, yet I have it, and as hard as I try, I can’t shake the sinking feeling I get whenever I see someone get ahead.”

Ana nods, and her gaze remains steady. “I have a feeling you’re not talking hypothetically anymore.”

“I’m not. I’m talking about my brother. And I know how insane I sound. Insane and shitty. But my whole life it’s seemed like there is only so much good fortune out there for the Winchester brothers. And Luke gets it all. He’s a good guy—a hell of a lot better than me—and I want him to be happy. Really, I do. But, dammit, I want to be happy too. Rationally, I know him having a wife and family doesn’t make me any less likely to have my own, but it’s like the universe had one family card to play between us and the deck has always been stacked against me. I have to work to not be resentful, and that’s fucked up. It makes me an asshole, I know.”

“It doesn’t make you an asshole. It makes you human. And a rather brave one to admit that. I think we all feel it from time to time, and I know how hard it is to see others so happy and in love and your own life is an empty void of anything fulfilling, when you get by day to day, just surviving and not living, going through the motions and wondering what the hell is wrong with you because you should be happy. You shouldn’t feel this painful emptiness inside. But you do. And it’s not like I want others to be miserable with me, but it makes me feel pretty damn shitty about myself to see them pick themselves up and carry on with their lives, smiles on their face and all, and I’m over here wondering how I went so wrong and why I can’t get my shit together and be happy.”

“And now you’re not talking hypothetically,” I suggest.

“No. I’m not, and it feels so fucking good to finally say this out loud. I have a lot to be thankful for, I know. Especially lately. But the feeling like something is missing, like I’m chasing a finish line I’ll never cross…it’s exhausting and feeling that way makes me feel selfish. Others have it so much worse, you know?”

“You’re not selfish for wanting to be happy.”

“Neither are you,” she whispers.

And now it’s like my heart can’t be contained inside my chest. I grab Ana and kiss her harder than I ever have before. I push my hand inside the jacket, feeling her exposed skin from her backless dress. Ana’s arms curl around me and she pushes up, moving into my lap.

“Dammit, I thought we’d be the only ones coming out here to fuck behind the fountain.”

Ana and I break apart and I look up just in time to see Lexi swatting Luke on the chest. Ana tenses, and I know she’s feeling like we just got caught doing something we shouldn’t be doing, and that’s only because I made her feel that way. The relief I felt from her kiss is gone. I keep my arms around her as Luke and Lexi draw near.

“If you want it, you can have it. It’s cold out here.”

“You’re such a pussy.” Luke rolls his eyes.

Lexi grabs his arm. “We weren’t really coming out here to have sex, either.”

“Yes, we were,” Luke whispers, making Lexi shake her head.

“Gregory is getting ready to come out. Just wanted to give you a heads up,” she says. “And I think he’s still drunk.”

“Wonderful. We’ll be in soon.”

Lexi smiles and turns Luke around. She smacks his ass and he grabs her by the waist, making her laugh. Ana and I watch them go in, waiting for the doors to close and to be alone again.

“You know,” Ana starts. “Those two are a bit irritating with all the PDA.”

I smile at her attempt to agree with me. “He was worse before he met her, if you can believe that.”

“I’m glad I didn’t meet him until now then.” She smiles back and then a silence falls between us. There is so much more to be said, and there is no time to say it now. Things aren’t solved with a kiss like they are in movies. But it doesn’t hurt.

I put my lips to hers. Right here, right now, it’s all I need. In a moment, it’ll be over. But that’s all we need, right? All we live for?

Moments.