Chapter 12
Carolyn let out a long sigh as she paced her sister Claire’s drawing room. She was tired of the customary small talk. It had been two days since her disastrous talk with Edmund, and he hadn’t spoken one word to her during that time. She sincerely hoped her sister would be able to help.
“Marriage is a lot harder than I thought,” Carolyn admitted as she took a seat next to her sister.
Claire grabbed her hand and held it. “That’s why I wanted you to marry for love. I still don’t understand how you came to marry the Duke of Demoon. Actually, I’m not even sure I believe it.”
Choosing to ignore the question in her sister’s eyes, she cleared her throat. “I think you’re wrong about marrying for love. If I wanted nothing from my husband, his indifference would be so much easier to bear. Desirable, even.”
“Then, you love him?” Hope infused her sister’s words.
“No, but I do care for him, or rather, the man he can be.”
Recalling the Edmund she’d met in the garden every day brought both happiness and sadness. She missed the one who had flirted with and teased her. Had conversed with her for hours and had toiled beside her in the garden. Her chest quivered when she thought about him. Their trip home from Scotland had been passionate and joyous. The very opposite of their life at Moonlight Castle.
“Then, you need to turn him back into the man he can be. Sometimes husbands can be stubborn, and they need to be faced with the reality that they can’t simply treat us like we know nothing unless it suits them.”
“Somehow, I can’t see Ian treating you in a similar manner as His Grace is treating me. That man thinks you are the center of the world.”
Claire laughed. “That’s true, but he’s stubborn in different ways. If it were up to him, I would spend the next several months locked in my bedchamber. He seems to believe that I’ve turned into glass since his child is growing inside me. You should have seen his face when he felt the baby kick.”
A rush of nausea hit Carolyn as she thought about the life inside her moving about in the near future. The whole thing still felt foreign to her. She sincerely wanted to talk to her sister about it, but she couldn’t. Besides, if she had, Claire would be expecting her to go through the sickness that had plagued her. Luckily, Carolyn’s body seemed to be immune to that particular part of pregnancy.
“You are fortunate that he cares. The duke is not even aware that I left the castle. At this point, I’m not sure he would care.”
Tears threatened to obscure Carolyn’s vision at the pity on Claire’s face. She blinked them back, embarrassed that her emotions were so unpredictable. She couldn’t break down in front of Claire. It was already bad enough that she confessed as much as she had. After years of sheltering her sister from harsh realities, her one moment of weakness was ruining her sister’s happiness.
“Don’t say that, I’m sure he would care. I know Ian does. When you first arrived, he almost went to Moonlight Castle to tell the duke how he felt about you on horseback in the cold.”
Carolyn huffed out a breath. “It’s no different than I’ve done dozens of times before.”
“I know. Father couldn’t stop you, and Gordon knew better than to try, but . . . Well, I suppose you’re right. At this point, you’re safe.”
Forcing a smile, Carolyn stood. “Well, I should be returning. I promised Mr. Avery that I’d keep him company during this boring time, as he had phrased it.”
As she walked through the hallway with Claire, she felt slightly better. She knew she’d always have her family for support. Her life may not have turned out as she had envisioned, but she didn’t have to be alone, at least not physically.
A knock at the door caught her attention. She glanced at Claire, but clearly her sister hadn’t been expecting a visitor. The butler opened the door, and Carolyn’s heart stopped at the dark, cloaked figure in the doorway. Although his face was hidden, she had seen that muscular form too many times to have any doubt.
Hope curled inside her. Perhaps he did care a little. She tried to temper the emotion. Being let down hurt too much.
“Your Grace, you are coming with me.” His voice was even, but his fury was unveiled.
Claire stepped in front of her. “Simon, summon the viscount.”
Not wanting another scene like at Dailey, Carolyn quickly stepped away from her sister. “Claire, I’d like to introduce you to His Grace, Edward Marsham, Duke of Demoon.” Then, she faced her seething husband. “Your Grace, this is my sister, Claire Caldwell, Viscountess Knightly.”
Before anyone could respond, Ian approached. “I see you received my missive. Your presence here does you credit.”
Edmund inclined his still cloaked head. “Lord Knightly, I presume.”
“Yes.” Carolyn hurried to introduce her brother-in-law before she spun on him. “You wrote to the duke?”
Ian looked at her in his disapproving manner. “A lone woman should not be out riding in this weather. Clearly, he had no idea. Someone had to tell him.”
“And, I’m grateful for your assistance now and in the past,” Edmund said then turned to her. “It’s time for me to take you home.”
“Thank you for visiting.” Claire pulled her into a hug, then whispered in her ear. “I’d say he does care. Perhaps his indifference is a mask.”
After making her goodbyes and donning her winter coat, she took her husband’s arm and they descended the steps. However, as an idea hit her, she stopped and faced him at the carriage. His avoidance would end now.
“I will go with you, but I want to choose the destination.”
“You don’t have a choice whether you are coming or not. You are leaving with me no matter where I take you,” he growled.
She lowered her voice. “Please, Edmund. I should very much like to go to the hunting cabin. Just you and me.”
Holding her breath, she hung onto his silence. This was her only chance to get him to a place where he couldn’t escape from her.
“It’s too dangerous. We can’t take the carriage.”
“We can for as far as possible. Then, we can continue on horseback for the rest of the way. It’s not too dangerous. As you see, I made it here safely on my mare.”
“Don’t even bring that up. We have much to discuss on that subject.” He glanced up at the sky. “Very well. We will return to Moonlight Castle to retrieve my stallion and some supplies. Then, we shall continue on to the cabin.”
Unable to contain her happiness, she threw her arms around her husband. To her surprise, he pulled her up against him, hard. Perhaps Claire was right. He did care. She just hoped he would listen to her this time.
~ ~ ~
Edmund let out a curse as he built up the fire in the hunting cabin. This was a bad idea. However, his traitorous-self wanted to have Carolyn alone, not to mention the fact he had trouble denying her anything.
Looking back at her, bundled in her coat and blankets, he wished he could pull her into his arms. Memories of the last time they’d been there haunted him. At least this time she didn’t have to worry about the duke. Thinking about how she put herself in danger to go to her sister made him amend that statement. She certainly should be worried about the duke.
“Now, tell me what possessed you to ride out in this weather. And, to go so far. Damn it, Carolyn, do you have any idea how dangerous that was?”
She put her shoulders back. “I’ve done it dozens of times before, and I needed to be around someone who cares for me.”
“That’s what this is about? You think I don’t care about you? I have given you everything you could ever want. You’re a duchess, you have a husband, a child, and you live in the most luxury my mother could find. You have unlimited access to any clothes or baubles you desire. What more do you want from me?”
As she stood, the blankets and coat fell to the floor. “I couldn’t care less about any of that. There is one thing I would trade all of that for, but it’s the one thing you deny me.”
Hurt, unlike anything he’d ever felt before, shot through his chest. Everything he’d given, and it wasn’t enough. The woman would be the death of him. Exhaustion drained him as he gazed upon her. He couldn’t take much more.
“What is it? I have nothing left to give.”
“Just you. I want you to look at me, to talk to me, to share your meals with me. I want to fall asleep in your arms every night and wake beside you in the morning.”
Tears freely slipped down her cheeks as he stood there, too stunned to move.
“You have that to give,” she continued. “Please, Edmund, I miss you.”
Her words seeped through all the anger and resentment he held on to. His throat clogged. Again, he’d misjudged the purity of the woman he married. He’d forced thoughts of his manipulative mother’s antics onto Carolyn. There was something wrong with him. It was as if deep down, he didn’t want to be happy.
In a second, Carolyn was in his arms. He silently vowed never to allow his mother to come between them again. Putting his wife in this situation wasn’t fair. He’d promised to make her happy and had failed miserably.
“I’m so sorry, Carolyn.” He ran his hands up and down her back as her tears dried. “I’m not the best husband. Trusting you to not be like the women I’ve known is proving to be more difficult than I’d originally thought, but I will try harder.”
She lifted her head and looked at him, tears still in her eyes. “Do you promise?”
“Yes. I promise. And, if I fail, I give you permission to push me again, just like you did in my bedchamber.”
A smile twisted her lips. “You didn’t move very far. Is that why you lift boulders?”
Heat burned his cheeks. He should have known she would have seen his ritual. “Yes. It began as a punishment from my father, but I learned the task made me strong. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after he died that I realized the full extent of my strength. I could have . . . Well, it doesn’t matter now.”
She ran her hand down the left side of his face. “Can you tell me about him now? This burden you carry isn’t good for you.”
Knowing he couldn’t avoid the discussion forever, he drew back and faced the fire. “Do you remember the story I told you about my grandfather and the watch fob?”
“Yes.” She slid her hand into his, but he didn’t look at her. He couldn’t.
“My father beat me for being late.” She sucked in her breath, but he continued. “That was the first time I learned the severity of his punishments, but not the last.”
“Did no one do anything? Surely, your grandfather could have done something.”
Feeling the pain of his loss, Edmund closed his eyes. “I’d like to think he tried to talk to my father, but he died too soon afterward to do any good. My mother protected me as much as she could, but it came at a high cost to her.”
“Is that why she acts like she does now?”
He faced her then. “What do you mean?”
“As I told you, I’m fairly good at reading people. Although I have only spent a limited amount of time in her company, I’ve never seen anyone try so hard to be someone.”
“I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Everything about her is false. She’s acting the way she does for a reason.”
Clenching his jaw, he returned his attention back to the flames consuming the logs. He knew exactly why she was fake. The looks she gave him, or rather the way she avoided looking at him, said it all. He didn’t want to think about it. About her.
“Whatever the reason, it’s her secret to keep. But, now that you understand about the people who I came from, do you understand why I shouldn’t have children? And, certainly not more than one.”
She cupped his cheek, forcing him to give her his attention. “Is that why you’re pulling away from me? After this child is born, you won’t touch me again?”
“For good reason.”
With narrowed eyes, she walked away, pacing the small space in front of the fire. Her agitation only fueled his. She had no reason to be distressed. After all, he’d warned her months ago how it would be if he were to marry.
“Do you have any idea how ridiculous this is? Your grandfather and grandmother were good people from what I’ve heard. They may have produced your father, but your uncle also has their blood. And, look at Thomas, although his mother is difficult, he has such a wonderful heart. Your child will be just like one of them.”
“You’re wrong. My father is the problem here. I am. You have no idea what I’m capable of. I could be exactly like him. It would be so easy to snap.”
She whirled around and glared at him. “Is that so? Then, hit me.”
Shocked, he stumbled backwards. “What?”
“You heard me. I’ve angered you time and time again. If it’s so easy, punish me.”
The fact that she would even say such a thing after he confessed his horrible past to her had fury pumping through his body. His hands itched with the need to fight. To hit something. Except her. Never her.
“I am not my father,” he snarled. “I may have his blood, but you will never feel the weight of my fists, my belt, or my cane. Nor will our child.”
“Not so easy then, is it? Your father wouldn’t have hesitated.”
Realizing her intent, he worked to relax his body, one part at a time, forcing his anger aside. “You don’t understand. My temper is a daily struggle.”
“Do you think mine is not?” She walked up to him and slid her arms up his chest and linked them behind his neck. “Everyone struggles, no matter who they came from. I’m not asking you to suddenly abandon what you believe, but I’m asking you to think about it.”
Warmed by her understanding and her nearness, he pulled her tight against him. “I will.”
“Good.” She slid her lips against his. “But, not right now. I have something else to occupy you.”
Happy to oblige, Edmund lost himself in her kiss. With her, he felt as if he could accomplish the impossible. He only needed to allow himself to trust her. And, for the first time in his life, he was ready. No doubt remained. He would become a better man for her. Anything for her.
~ ~ ~
“I never thought I’d see the day the Duke of Demoon would join us for dinner.”
Carolyn smiled at Claire’s admission as she thought about her husband alone with the men enjoying their port. Honestly, she felt much the same at her sister. After the two days she’d spent with Edmund in the hunting cabin, he had returned to the man she had met in the garden. Well, at least when he was alone with her. The mask he wore for everyone else went much deeper than the surface.
“He is not what everyone believes him to be,” Carolyn explained to her sister and sister-in-law. “I am fairly certain the rumors began due to his decision to alienate himself.”
“Although, one look at the duke, and I’d believe them.” Annalise shuddered. “That man is huge and the mask makes him look menacing.”
Shaking her head, Carolyn pictured her husband. “I suppose, but you haven’t seen him laugh. It transforms his face and makes you want to return the smile. And, although I’m not fond of it, the mask is something you become used to. As for his bulk, that only adds a level of security and protection to him. I can assure you that I will never experience any harm under his care.”
Her sister and Annalise exchanged a look.
“Is that so?” Annalise laughed.
“I’m so happy, I could dance all night.” Claire had tears in her eyes.
Confused, Carolyn looked between the two faces. “What are you going on about? Did you doubt my safety before?”
Claire let out a girlish giggled and patted Carolyn on her knee. “Don’t be ridiculous. You love him.”
Shaking her head, Carolyn tried to not roll her eyes. Her sister had always been a romantic. However, seeing the same look on Annalise’s face, Carolyn began to panic. It wasn’t possible. How could she love Edmund and not even be aware of it? The thought couldn’t be more absurd.
“You’re wrong. I don’t love him.”
“Don’t be defensive. This is a good thing.” Claire’s voice was calm, assuring.
Alarm forced Carolyn from the chair. This wasn’t like her. She’d always been able to work through matters and understand them before anyone else. She began to pace the room. Could she truly have fallen in love with Edmund and not realized it?
“Why are you so distressed?” Annalise asked. “This is what you wanted. You once told me you’d marry for love or not at all.”
“How can you know I love someone when I don’t even know?” Her voice emerged hysterical, but she didn’t care.
Although she didn’t believe it, she wanted it to be true. She wanted to love Edmund. If ever a man was worthy, it was him. He deserved so much more than what he had been given in life, and she was fighting for him to have it.
“Do you think about him all the time? Miss him when he’s not there?” Claire asked.
“Do you count the minutes until he returns?” Annalise added. “And, when he is around, you feel whole. The very sight of him has your heart aching inside your chest?”
Claire sighed. “Then, when he looks at you, you see nothing else. The moment, or rather the world, revolves around him.”
Tears filled Carolyn’s eyes. Dear God, they were right. She loved Edmund. The thought filled her with happiness and hurt at the same time. She’d never imagined it to be like this. Everyone else made it look so easy. So comfortable.
Seeing movement at the doorway, she sought her husband’s face. When they made eye contact, his contentment drained away as anger darkened it. He hurried to her side.
“Carolyn, what is wrong?”
Her throat clogged as the truth seeped further into her reality. A slow smile crept across her lips. His concern for her had been so great, he’d called her by her Christian name in front of everyone. How had she been so lucky to find him?
“Talk to me, damn it. What has happened?”
“I think I love you,” she blurted.
His mouth fell open and his anger vanished.
“Well, that was unexpected.” Gordon’s voice pulled her out of the private world she’d been ensconced in. “Please, excuse us.”
Heat burned her cheeks as her family vacated the room, all smiles and knowing looks. When the door closed, she couldn’t bring herself to face her husband. What must he think of her to say such a thing in front of others?
“Carolyn?” Edmund’s voice was unsure.
“Yes,” she whispered, still not facing him.
“You think you love me?” His unsteady voice struck her. “And, that thought makes you sad? Again, I find you with tears in your eyes because of me.”
Unable to handle him thinking so, she spun around to look at him. “No. Not tears of sadness. Shock, maybe.”
He nodded, and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. His eyes were questioning as if he wanted to say something, but hesitated. She let out a sigh. Her lack of decorum got her in this situation, so she deserved whatever it was.
“Edmund, if you want to say something, do it. Clearly, I have no trouble blurting my thoughts.”
His half smile brought her heart to racing. “I like that about you. In any case, I was just wondering when you would know for sure.”
“Know what?”
The uncertainty returned to his face. “If you love me.”
“Oh.” Her face heated to an uncomfortable degree. “Well, I suppose I shall tell you whenever I know.”
He nodded a bit sadly. “Thank you. I have long ago lost my ability to harbor such feelings for anyone, but I care a great deal about you, and I would very much like to know how you feel.”
Her heart fluttered. She’d never seen such vulnerability from him, and it melted her. For the first time, she actually felt her love for him as if it were a tangible thing moving inside her. Joy bubbled to the surface, threatening to explode if she didn’t let it out.
She wrapped her arms around him. “If I promise to tell you, will you kiss me?”
His laughter rumbled in his chest. “If you let me take you home, I’ll do a lot more than just kiss you.”
Shocked at the idea of going against propriety and quitting the evening early, she pulled back. The desire on his face told her how little he cared about such things. In addition, as she thought about the expressions her family had as they left the room, she imagined they wouldn’t begrudge her the lapse.
“I would like that.” She slipped her hands up his cheeks and into his hair, dislodging his mask. “Edmund, I love you. Take me home.”
A grin surged across his face, and he crushed her lips with his. Caught up in her husband’s arms, it was just the two of them left in the world. Nothing could ever come between them.