Chapter 5
Carolyn felt Edmund’s eyes boring into her, but she couldn’t force herself to meet his gaze.
“Does that mean you are looking to marry?” Edmund’s voice emerged emotionless.
She bit her lip, not exactly wanting to have this conversation with him. Of course, she still wanted to marry, but her standards were too high for that to be a true possibility. To date, Edmund was the only man she could see herself being happy with.
“My future plans haven’t changed,” she replied cryptically. “Much to my sister’s dismay, I must add.”
His smile transformed his face. “I must admit, it is nice to not be under such pressure to wed.”
She tilted her head to the side and studied him. “Why is that? Most gentlemen have a desire to marry at some point in their lives. Some for heirs, others for money or companionship. Do none of those apply to you?”
He clicked his tongue. “Trying to discover my identity, are you? I thought we agreed against sharing that information.”
“I’m not looking to know much. I just want to understand.”
With a shrug of his shoulders he took her hand and pulled her to sit beside him on the sofa. The feel of his gloved hands over hers sent a spike of awareness through her body. This whole thing was a mistake.
“I will never marry, because I refuse to have a child. Taking on a wife in my current situation, would only lead to misery for both of us.”
“What’s wrong with a child? Although, I’ll admit, they are loud, wiggly, and confusing.”
Edmund laughed, and she wanted to melt into the sound. “It sounds as though you have firsthand knowledge.”
“My sister-in-law provided my brother with an heir.”
“I congratulate them. I have no doubt he is relieved to have his family’s claim secured.”
His merriment from earlier dissipated and was replaced with some other emotion. Sadness, maybe? She couldn’t be sure. For some reason, she had so much more trouble trying to discern Edmund’s feelings than most other people. However, his hair being pulled back helped tremendously.
“You look so different with your hair secured like that.”
Pain sparked in his eyes as he reached behind his head. She grabbed his arm.
“Don’t,” she pleaded. “I like it like this.”
His eyes searched hers. “Why?”
She smiled as she ran her hand down the length of his cheek. “I like being able to see your face.”
A low groan escaped his lips as his eyes darkened. “Don’t say things like that to me. Not unless you are prepared to accept the consequences.”
Concern knitted her brow. “I don’t understand. I meant no insult.”
He leaned toward her, his gaze trained on her lips. “Since you seem to be incapable of accepting a kiss without warning. I’ll tell you, I fully intend to kiss you. Right. Now.”
Licking her lips, she tried to calm her traitorous body. As her heart threatened to escape from her chest, she covered her mouth with her hand. They couldn’t. No matter how much she wanted him to kiss her.
“No. We are in the duke’s study. If he were to catch us in here it would be bad, but if we were kissing on his sofa . . .” She shuddered to reflect on what the duke would think, let alone do.
“He won’t mind.” Edmund pulled her hand away from her lips. “Likely, he will never look at the sofa in the same way again.”
The urge to give in to his embrace overwhelmed. “But, the duke—”
“Don’t waste another worry over him. I swear I will never allow him to cause you any harm.”
His voice rang with sincerity, and Carolyn felt powerless against him. Although she didn’t want to become more attached to him, she also was loathe to walk away again. It hadn’t been easy the first time.
Not to mention the fact that he had no intention of marrying, so they didn’t have an end time approaching. At least, for as long as he intended to remain in the country.
She nodded, her mind made up. “Very well.”
Without waiting, she pressed her lips against his. Immediately, the familiar sensation swamped her. The warmth of his body as he drew her to him seeped into her flesh, and she moaned. For some reason, in his arms she had less control over herself.
Desperate for more of him, she slid her tongue across his mouth, then hesitated when his lips parted.
“Don’t be shy,” he whispered against her lips.
Feeling bold, she slid her tongue against his, nearly expiring at the new feelings. She held the power. Her body ached as she threw herself into the kiss, delving her hands into his hair, loosening it from its ties in order to keep a hold of him.
When he pushed her back until he lay mostly on top of her on the sofa, she put up no resistance. The welcome feeling of his weight gave her what she needed.
He completely surrounded her. All her senses happily wrapped up in Edmund. The sight of him filling her vision while the taste of him overwhelmed her tongue. His fresh sandalwood scent teased her nostrils as her body burned from the heat of his touch. And, the sound of his growls nearly made her melt into the sofa cushions.
Pleasure blossomed everywhere he touched her, and she was content, at least for that second. It wasn’t long until it became not enough. Her body knew there was more, and for the first time, she wanted it.
Surprised and scared by the knowledge, she released him. He lifted his head, and looked down at her with desire in his eyes. Without a doubt, she knew he was experiencing the exact same thing as her.
“That was interesting.” His raspy voice did strange things to her insides. “Are you all right?”
All right? She wasn’t sure. Everything inside of her wanted him tight up against her again. To have his mouth on hers. To take pleasure in his body. She had known this was a bad idea, but right now, she couldn’t regret any of it. After all, having this for a little while was better than not at all.
“Yes.” Her voice didn’t emerge as confident as she intended.
He closed his eyes for a second before piercing her with his gaze. “We should probably leave.”
Unable to find her voice again, she nodded. He made no move to go. The fact he seemed to struggle with this, just as she did, helped her in a minute way. Once he grudgingly stood, he helped her up as well.
“Before we go, I have to ask.” His eyes turned pleading. “Will I see you again?”
She smiled as she secured her mask back on her face.
“Perhaps. After all, I can’t allow the flowers to die during the winter.”
With that, she crossed the room, unlocked the door, and moved toward the ballroom on unsteady legs. The number of servants posted in the hallway gave her pause, but none of them seemed to take note of her. She sent up a silent thank you that Edmund hadn’t joined her. The embarrassment would have been too much.
A smile teased her lips. She would see him again soon enough.
~ ~ ~
“I just don’t know what to do, Edmund. Miss Ashford doesn’t seem to be softening up to my suit at all. And, she hadn’t even gone to the ball last night. How am I supposed to court her properly?”
Edmund shrugged. “I hate to say it, but you are on your own with this. Not only do I have little understanding of women, but I have no experience with courting at all.”
However, Edmund knew one lady, and she had shown up to his ball. Edmund’s eyes drifted to the sofa, and his body stirred. As he’d expected, he couldn’t look at the piece of furniture without thinking of her. If she hadn’t stopped him . . . The thought shot a stab of lust through him. Likely that would have meant the end of the sofa. After all, the mere sight of it would have ruined his concentration for the rest of his life.
“At least the ball was a huge success. I overheard dozens of remarks on how they’d never seen so many guests in attendance. Did you make it down?”
Repressing his smile was difficult. “Just passed through. I spent the majority of my time here, in the study.”
“A shame.”
Edmund certainly hadn’t seen it like that. After Carolyn left him, he saw no reason to return to the party. Not only had he known he wouldn’t have been able to handle allowing her out of his sight, but he certainly hadn’t wanted to be present for the reveal.
“Well, we’ve received dozens of invitations you can attend.” Edmund moved a few cards from the edge of his desk, leaving them in front of his cousin. “No doubt there will be plenty of eligible ladies at those events.”
A look of disgust crossed Thomas’s face. “No, thank you. Besides, I don’t have that kind of time.”
“What do you mean? There is no rush to supply an heir just yet.”
“True, but my mother doesn’t see it that way. She’s given me until the end of the year. Then, she wants me back in London. I suspect she will choose for me at that time, if need be.”
“You don’t have to go at her request.” Edmund pierced Thomas with a look. “Aunt Hannah can’t touch you here.”
Thomas laughed. “That’s what you think. The Countess of Dane has a much longer reach than you would think. Remember, she controls the purse strings. I don’t have a choice. I must do as she bids.”
“No, you don’t. What do you want for while at Moonlight Castle? My heir has no reason to go without.”
“I’m not even your heir,” Thomas retorted. “Uncle Joseph comes in first. Regardless, you can’t provide me with what I want. However, if I play by my mother’s rules, I will gain my freedom one day.”
“And, you are still set on Miss Ashford?”
“Or, someone like her. She’s obedient, quiet, and not overly opinionated. We can hold a great conversation, or not talk at all. She also wouldn’t require much to make her happy. And, certainly not my constant presence.”
Edmund shook his head. At one point, he would have easily agreed with his cousin, but not after meeting Carolyn. He just couldn’t see the appeal in marrying someone that didn’t spark a certain passion in him. And, their conversations weren’t all pleasant. She pushed him. Asked him things he didn’t wish to disclose. Then, talked him through his reluctance until he relented.
He let out a sigh. He’d done it again. Why couldn’t his mind leave him be for one conversation with his cousin? Everything led back to her.
“What has gotten into you?” Thomas sounded more amused than irritated. “I daresay, you haven’t heard the last three things I said.”
“I’m sorry, Thomas. I set up a meeting for a short time from now, and I find myself a tad anxious.”
A slow smile transformed his cousin’s face. “Is that so? Well, please don’t let me keep you. Honestly, I’m proud of you. It’s time you found someone to provide you with a little . . . release.”
Fury coiled around Edmund, and he jumped to his feet. “That is not what I’m meeting her for, and I don’t appreciate the accusation.”
Thomas’s eyes only widened. “Then, it is a she. And, with that adamant response, I’d say that’s exactly what you are doing, or it’s what you want to be doing.”
Clenching his teeth tightly, Edmund worked on controlling his rage. “Or, it means I have finally found someone who understands me. Someone who doesn’t judge me for my decisions, or seek power from my position.”
His hands out in front of him, Thomas looked as if he were warding off the devil. “Don’t misunderstand me. I’m thrilled. I can only hope you find it in yourself to marry the girl. That would save me a lot of trouble.”
Sinking back into his chair, Edmund regretted his words. Of course Thomas would think that. Although he had to admit it, the idea of marrying Carolyn and having her at his side appealed to him more than he wanted it to, not that it would happen.
As it stood, their relationship would eventually end, and he would have no reason to explain to his desirable wife how he wouldn’t touch her. Thoughts of lying on top of Carolyn invaded his senses. Well, perhaps he would touch, a little.
“This line of conversation is pointless. I told you, I won’t marry. Nothing of this sort will come from my . . . friendship.”
Thomas nodded, but he didn’t look convinced. “We shall see. Just do me a favor and inform me the second you change your mind. The last thing I want is to be shackled to a lady when you intended to take care of the deed yourself.”
Knowing there was no point in arguing, Edmund simply shook his head and took leave of his cousin. Today, he planned to do something different with Carolyn. If he needed to, he would hire an entire team of gardeners to protect her flowers when she wasn’t there. Now that their relationship had shifted, he fully intended to do more than tend a garden with her.
~ ~ ~
The cold wind whipped across Carolyn’s face and stole her breath, but she didn’t care. Dropping her head lower to Beauty’s neck, she urged her mare on. A benefit from growing up much too soon had been her ability to ride a horse like they were one.
When Edmund had met her at the garden earlier, all she could think about was kissing him again. Unlike what she’d expected, no awkwardness had settled between them. As a matter of fact, she felt an ease in their relationship that she hadn’t felt before.
She took the turn low, not losing any speed. Imagining Edmund trailing behind her with his muscular bulk weighing him down made her want to laugh. He wanted a race, and she had no intention of losing.
When he sped up beside her and winked, she nearly lost the grip on her reins. Knowing he had no intention of allowing her to win gave her both a deeper admiration for him, and affirmed her determination to be the victor.
In the end, his stallion held the advantage over her mare. As she slowed her horse, then reined in next to him, she did her best to push past her disappointment. Forcing her gaze to his, she sucked in her breath at the sight of his triumphant smile.
The wind whipped his hair around his face and left a slight curl at the ends to rest on his shoulders. But, it was his sparkling eyes and apparent joy that stole her breath. The man was truly beautiful. She imagined that if he had wanted to marry, she never would have been able to enjoy this stolen time with him.
Remembering their interlude would come to an end melted away some of her happiness. She didn’t know how long he intended to remain in the country. Judging by his lack of knowledge about the duke when she met him told her he didn’t own an estate around here. Again, she wondered who he’d been staying with.
“So,” he dismounted and reached up to assist her down. “What is my reward for winning?”
His hands still remained on her waist, and she shivered at the wonderful feeling of his warmth through her riding habit. She wanted to step into his embrace and kiss him, but how could she? In order to avoid the temptation, she moved away.
“That is a good question, and one I have no answer for. You see, I have nothing to give.”
A smile curled his lips. “Do you think not? I say there are a number of things you could give me right now.”
Her eyes widened. “I fear I will regret asking, but what are you talking about?”
He laughed, then brushed a lose hair behind her ear. “For one, I would be honored to take your hand for a stroll on this chilly day. Or, perhaps, you could share a little of your warmth, and wrap your arms around me. However, I would gladly trade all of that in for a kiss.”
There it was. She desperately wanted to, but wasn’t sure if she should give in to him so easily. She didn’t think he should know exactly how badly she wanted his kiss. In the past, she hadn’t exactly acted in the proper way. The desire pounding through her made her feel wanton, and she had no wish for him to know the depth of her longings.
Needing to put some space between them, she moved a few paces away from him. “I don’t know. Such a close race certainly deserves something different.”
He walked up beside her, his hands behind his back. “What do you suggest?”
“Well, I suppose I could agree to a properly escorted walk.”
“I see. You aren’t one who enjoys sharing.”
She spared a glance at his profile as they moved along the bank. No hint to his thoughts shown on his face. She hated that.
“Perhaps I could occasionally brush my shoulder against yours,” she offered.
He stopped walking and she followed suit, then faced him, her eyebrows raised. His brow was knitted and eyes narrowed as he studied her. Without her permission, her eyes fell to his lips, and she knew it was a mistake. She wanted all those things with him.
“Where has this aversion to touching me come from? I don’t recall you having any qualms the other night in the study.”
She swallowed, not wanting to answer him. “I was . . . overcome. And, a proper young lady should not allow herself to be in such a situation.”
“That being the case, I’m not sure I’d like such a lady. I prefer a woman with passion. One who acts on her desires.”
His words sent warmth stabbing through her. “And, if my desire was to return home, you’d have me leave?”
He took a step closer to her. “No. That’s not what you want.”
She laughed, but the sound emerged more like a nervous giggle. “You don’t know me well enough to know that.”
“You’d be surprised.” He tilted his head to study her. “I think, deep inside, you are dying to be free. No obligations. No expectations. No weight from your duties. Completely free, if only for a day.”
“I am free. As you see, I came here today.”
“That’s not the freedom you crave. We are much the same in that respect. Just think of how nice it would be to have the ability to be yourself. No rules. No judgments.”
Emotions warred within her until she wasn’t sure how she felt. Sadness centered in her breast for both of them, trapped by obligations and expectations. Anger passed in the back of her mind for being so transparent. While fear wormed its way through her to know someone understood her better than she, herself, did.
“If such a freedom existed, what would I do with it?”
“Anything.” He cupped her cheek in his large palm. “That’s what you have with me. Carolyn, I want you to be yourself around me—your true self.”
Overcome, she nodded. “I will if you promise to do the same.”
“Are you sure? I don’t know if you understand what you’re asking for.”
She bit her lip, suddenly discomforted in his presence. Although she knew he would never harm her, she couldn’t help the feeling.
“Tell me,” she forced out.
“If I’m going to be myself, to do what I want, I’m going to kiss you.”
At the thought, her gaze drifted to his lips once again. Yes. That was what she wanted. He moved forward so slowly, she thought she would expire from waiting. She knew he was giving her the opportunity to deny him, but she had no intention of doing so.
Her heart raced, and she couldn’t take it any longer. By the time his mouth came down on hers, she had lost the ability to control her reaction, thrusting her hands into his hair, she kissed him for all she was worth.
The cold breeze could no longer touch her. His heat seeped into her as he deepened the kiss and secured her to him with arms around her. This was exactly where she wanted to be. And, where she would remain for as long as she could keep a hold of him.