Chapter 3
Edmund hefted the large rock over his head then walked the ten yards to the pile of stones, his muscles burning with the effort. As he deposited it on the stack, he was awarded with a brief respite while he jogged back to collect another. He pushed himself, ignoring the pain as he continued the exercise past the point where his arms could no longer lift another. Today he felt the need to push himself much greater than usual.
“Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” Thomas tossed a towel at Edmund, which he used to wipe sweat from his face, despite the cool weather. “There are much better ways to punish yourself.”
After carefully arranging his hair to cover his disfigurement, he studied his cousin. “I’m not punishing myself.”
Thomas laughed, but the sound held no amusement. “Your father has been dead for over a decade, yet you continually put yourself through the torture he designed for you. Why?”
The wind picked up, and Edmund turned his face from his cousin and closed his eyes. As a child, he had hated the pointless exercise of moving the pile of rocks, and when the chore had become easier, his father had only insisted the pile be larger and the rocks heavier.
Opening his eyes, he took in the sight of his substantial collection of stones. This is what made him strong and provided an outlet for his anger and frustration. If his father had known what the punishment would have brought him, he imagined the man never would have invented it.
“What would you have me do?” he demanded of Thomas, hating how his cousin insisted on questioning his every decision.
“That’s easy. Go find yourself a wife. That is a true punishment. Women are strange and frustrating creatures. Spend a few hours with one, and you will have your punishment.”
An unbidden smile tickled Edmund’s lips. “Having trouble with your Miss Ashford, are you?”
Thomas’s sigh could have moved a boulder. “I adore the girl, but I also want to strangle her.”
Surprised, Edmund slipped on his mask before facing his cousin once again. “You have feelings for her? I didn’t think that you—”
“Not those types of feelings. She is one of those special few who I am pleased to call a friend.”
Thoughts of Carolyn entered his mind. She was the only female Edmund would even consider calling a friend. A tingle of concern straightened his spine. Wasn’t one of the baron’s sister’s named Carolyn? It couldn’t be the same girl. Try as he might, he couldn’t recall if that Carolyn had been the one to marry recently.
“Tell me a little about Miss Ashford.”
With a brow raised, Thomas studied him, then shrugged. “She’s a sweet girl. Although I find her clothing choice lacking, when she dresses up she makes a fine picture.”
Edmund gritted his teeth. The description could be the majority of England by Thomas’s standards of dress. “What type of personality does she have? Is she prone to incessant chatter, or do you have to force the words from her throat?”
“Neither, actually. Her conversations flow naturally and we deal well together. However, if you are thinking of meeting her, I will warn you, she possesses an awkwardness around people she doesn’t know well. I’ve also noticed she has a great hesitation around men.”
Letting out a breath, Edmund smiled. This definitely wasn’t the Carolyn he knew. No shy or awkward lady would speak to him so directly. Or, touch his face so tenderly. His cheek tingled at the memory. It was an experience he wouldn’t mind repeating.
“That’s understandable. Well, she sounds agreeable. So, what’s the trouble? Why don’t you marry her and be done with it?”
With a roll of his eyes, Thomas flicked a speck of dirt from his jacket. “She refuses. The girl has it in her head that she wants to marry for love. Her sister—who turned down my suit a year ago—told her the silly emotion existed.”
The appalled look on Thomas’s face brought Edmund a round of mirth. Although, he knew love wasn’t something most people could experience, his cousin’s agony over it was amusing. Edmund was pleased to have made the decision to die alone.
“Laugh all you want,” Thomas intoned. “But, this is all your fault.”
“No, it isn’t. You’re picking the wrong females to court.”
Knowing Thomas chose the sisters of one of the men responsible for saving Edmund’s life made him a little uneasy. Was that why they both refused? Didn’t want to be aligned with a man who’d burned his face. Casting the thought aside, he tucked a stray lock his hair behind his ear. He refused to harbor any negative thoughts about the family of a man he owed so much.
Thomas straightened his spine. “Don’t speak ill of the baron’s sisters. I am fond of that family. Besides, do you think I have a large number of options to choose from? This isn’t exactly London.”
“What about the other lady? The one who wanted to move into the castle? You spoke of her for a time.”
“Lady Ellie? Dear God, none of us would have any peace with that one. She’d be worse than your mother.”
Edmund cringed at the thought. Perhaps Thomas had the right of it. The selection of a wife took a little more analyzing. An image of Carolyn entered his mind, and he had to repress a smile. The past fortnight of getting to know her had been rather pleasant. He imagined she would make an admirable wife for his cousin and be a joy to have around the castle.
Jealousy speared him as he thought about her married to Thomas. Besides, she’d already told him she didn’t intend to marry. Not to mention the fact that he didn’t know her social position. Her speech and appearance of good breeding could have been achieved by a mother who had been a governess. Or, someone who had higher aspirations for their child.
“Are you listening to me?”
Thomas’s question brought Edmund out of his reverie. He needed to stop doing this. Too many times in his day Carolyn would invade his mind. It was as though his every movement only existed to bring him to the moment he could escape to the garden and see her again.
“No,” Edmund answered honestly. “I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.”
A knowing smile crossed Thomas’s face. “Ah, yes. A large part of me wants to convince you to give in to her.”
Shock reverberated through Edmund’s body. Surely no one else knew about his visits with Carolyn. “What are you talking about?”
“Your mother. She’s been even more irritating since you denied her the ball she so desperately wants.”
Edmund relaxed his shoulders as he shook his head. The woman had been throwing tantrums ever since. He couldn’t imagine why people claimed he had a bad temper when she was the one who broke various items when in one of her rages.
“And, what would giving in prove? That if she pushes us hard enough she will get her way? No. To tell you the truth, if I didn’t need the woman to run the castle, I would have sent her to the dowager house long before now.”
His cousin shot him with pleading eyes as he gripped his hand. “Then, please marry. Get rid of that woman, and free me of my obligation. You know I won’t be happy with a wife.”
Shaking off his cousin’s grasp, Edmund walked a few paces away, to look out over the lake beyond the field. “And, are you prepared to tell Aunt Hannah about your decision not to marry?”
A look of panic crossed Thomas’s face. “I’d rather you tell my mother for me. She scares me. Honestly, I’d rather face my heartless step-brother than her.”
Edmund laughed. “Yes, the Earl of Dane has learned how to handle the woman much easier than you have.”
“Well, she’s not in control of his purse strings.”
“That may be the case now, but once you wed it will change. Aunt Hannah will be overjoyed when you provide her with a grandchild.”
“But, what if I don’t? Edmund, you can easily do this for yourself and free me from the obligation.”
“You know I can’t do that. I can’t pass on my blood—his blood—to another generation. The same rage my father held lives inside of me. No. It dies with me.”
“But, I share that blood, too. Passed down from our grandfather.”
Edmund whipped around so fast, Thomas jumped back. “No. Do not impugn that man’s name. Our grandfather had none of it. My father had the bad blood, and the courtesy to pass it on to me.”
With a shrug of his shoulders, Thomas’s face returned to his normal amused expression. “It doesn’t matter anyway. My mother is so desperate to see me inherit, it’s a wonder she hasn’t had you and Uncle Joseph killed.”
“That still may come to pass.” Edmund offered him a wry smile. “However, imagining your life with both our mothers, your wife, and the forty heirs Aunt Hannah insists upon, you should probably protect me with your life.”
Thomas laughed and clapped him on the back. “You have my undying loyalty and protection.”
As they made their way back to the castle, Edmund felt a stab of guilt. If he had been a normal man, his cousin would not be forced to take on the burden of procuring an heir for the dukedom. Instead, Thomas could be maintaining his previous lifestyle in London. That is, if Aunt Hannah allowed it.
He pushed the thought aside, for there was nothing he could do about it. There was no way Edmund would ever marry, and certainly no way he would pass on his father’s cursed blood.
~ ~ ~
“Make sure to hold him tight. He is always trying to squirm away.”
Carolyn didn’t acknowledge her sister-in-law, Annalise’s, remark. Instead, she kept her concentration on trying to keep a hold of the wiggly baby in her arms.
Clearly unhappy with his aunt, Jacob turned his wide eyes to her, gazing up as his lips trembled. Carolyn cringed, knowing what was next. Jacob’s loud wail elicited a sigh from his mother.
“I’m almost done, Sweeting. Mama will take you back in just a minute,” Annalise cooed to the baby as she finished fixing the bodice of her dress.
“Good. I can’t believe I’ve gone and broken him again.” Carolyn’s voice was very near to tears.
Annalise laughed as she took her now happy baby from Carolyn. “You haven’t broken him. You just need to treat him like he’s a person, not a foreign creature.”
It was Carolyn’s turn to sigh. “I don’t think I’ll ever be good with babies.”
“It will come to you,” Annalise promised, a knowing look in her eyes.
“I highly doubt that. Regardless, it doesn’t matter as I will never be in such a situation. Likely, I will not marry.”
“Nonsense.” Annalise balanced Jacob in her arms as she danced in place. “Mr. Avery came by again today while you were out. That’s the third time this week.”
Standing up, Carolyn crossed the room to look out of the window. She’d known it was only a matter of time before Annalise and Gordon would begin making assumptions about her and Mr. Avery.
“He is a dear friend. Nothing more.”
“I imagine that particular gentleman feels differently. Is that why you have been spending so much for your time away from the manor? For a while, I thought it was Jacob scaring you away.”
Alarm prickled her skin. This topic was more dangerous than the last. “Neither is correct. I simply enjoy being outdoors.”
“Yes. I’ve definitely learned that about you, but where do you go for all that time? Your mare never returns overly tired, so I suspect you provide her with a substantial break.”
Silence hung in the room as Carolyn stood motionless. She could never tell anyone about the secret garden. Nor could she tell them about Edmund. Their daily talks had become much too important to her. Just thinking about him made her long to forego her routine and head to the garden earlier today in hopes to see him. After all, she had given him a task the day before, and she was anxious to see his response.
“There’s my handsome, little man,” Gordon said in the high voice he reserved for his son as he entered the room. “I’ve been searching for you.”
As Annalise handed over her son, she gave her husband a mysterious look. “You missed getting him after his nap. Again.”
Gordon looked sheepish. “I’m so sorry. Perhaps I can make it up to you.” He turned to Carolyn and gave her a wink. “What do you think? Should we show her?”
Giving her brother an encouraging smile, Carolyn nodded. Gordon had spent quite a bit of time renovating the atrium for Annalise. The thoughtfulness of gifting his wife with the room wasn’t something she would normally associate with her brother. Honestly, Carolyn could hardly believe it had been his idea.
“Show me what?” Annalise looked between the two of them in confusion.
“Come. Let’s allow the nurse to have some time with Jacob, then we can show you.”
“Why don’t the two of you go on without me? I don’t think I’ll be needed.” Not to mention, Carolyn had somewhere else she’d rather be.
“Are you sure?” Concern touched Gordon’s face.
Carolyn answered it with a smile. “Of course.”
As her brother took his wife’s hand to lead her from the room, while holding his son in the other, a strange feeling came over Carolyn. Seeing him so happy and without gloves was a wonderful thing, but different. Not only had he overcome his aversion to showing his burned hands, but he’d healed his internal scars as well, allowing himself to love.
With the pleasant thoughts on her mind, Carolyn left the manor, hurrying to mount her mare and set out toward the garden. She had to fight herself from pushing the horse harder than usual. Although she knew her anxiousness should give her a warning that she was becoming too attached to Edmund, she couldn’t bring herself to care. She’d never met anyone like him before.
After tying off Beauty, she hurried through the ivy. Once inside, she tried to slow her steps and take enjoyment in the place as she’d done so many times before, but she couldn’t curb her excitement today. However, the feeling dimmed when her turn about the garden didn’t bring her to Edmund.
She stopped where they ended the weeding and merely stared at the flowers. In her haste to arrive, she’d neglected to collect her tools. Now, she was confused and unsure of how to proceed.
“I love that you come here just to see me.”
Edmund’s deep voice wafted over her neck, and she had to repress her shudder of pleasure. A smile teased her lips to know he had come to her. She almost didn’t even care that he knew the garden hadn’t been what drew her here today. Almost.
“You overly flatter yourself. I’ve been clear about my interest in this garden.” She turned to face him. “Your presence has no bearing on my desire to return.”
The sparkling baby blue eyes that met hers took her breath away. Not too many times over their association had she seen such a look on his face. Her heart stuttered.
“Is that so? Then, perhaps it is time I return your secret sanctuary to you. Good day.”
Her smile fell when he turned and walked away. Surely, he was jesting. Once he reached the end of the aisle, panic settled in. He couldn’t truly be leaving, could he?
Rushing forward, she grabbed his arm to stop him. “Wait.”
He stopped, then slowly turned to her, triumph on his face. “Yes, Carolyn? Is there something you wish to say to me?”
“I suppose I enjoy your company”—he lifted an eyebrow—“to a small degree.”
“Then, I suppose I shall remain. At least for a little while.”
She beamed up at him as she took his arm and they began walking. Their banter had become something she thoroughly enjoyed. He always left her feeling hot and cold at the same time.
“Good. Now, yesterday I asked you to bring something. Did you do as I requested?”
He nodded, but made no move to retrieve it or stop their walk.
“Are you going to show me?”
“After a long sigh, he pulled out his watch fob. “I really don’t understand the point of this exercise.”
Excitement danced within her as she glanced at the old timepiece in his palm. Drawing him to a bench, she sat and waited for him to follow suit before expectantly holding her hand out.
“Tell me about it.” She reverently took the watch fob from him and looked it over, trying to determine what made it so special.
“You asked me to bring you something I cherished as a child. Here it is.” His voice emerged emotionless.
Carolyn narrowed her eyes as she studied his closed expression. For some reason, he had no desire to talk about it. The pain behind his eyes hinted at a troubled childhood. Her heart broke for him. Of all the items he could’ve clung to, it was a cold watch.
“I do believe—”
“What about you? Where’s your cherished item?”
With a shy smile, she pulled her father’s tattered cravat from her bodice and handed it to him. Heat rushed her cheeks at the raised eyebrow expression he shot her.
“Don’t judge me. Gardening doesn’t require one to bring a reticule.”
“I haven’t said a word. So, you have an affection for cravats?”
She took a deep breath. Perhaps he would feel better about sharing his story if she had the courage to offer hers first. Nerves tingled the back of her throat. When she came up with this idea, she’d been thinking more about what she could learn from him rather than the other way around.
“It was my father’s. One night when I was very young, a heavy storm was blowing in. He was to attend an event that night, and I was terrified to let him go out into the weather.”
“Ah, sweet, Carolyn.” He ran a finger down her cheek as he gazed at her with something akin to awe. “Afraid for someone else with no thoughts of herself.”
She swallowed, feeing her blush run all the way into her hairline. “Well, I didn’t want anything bad to happen to him. And, I told him such. My father simply chuckled and told me I had no reason to fear. He said I had more courage than both my brother and sister and I needed to be strong for them.”
Reaching out, she took her father’s cravat from him and ran her fingers over the loved fabric, trying to keep her emotions at bay. “He kissed me on the forehead, then pulled off his cravat. He said that although I had enough courage of my own, he would be happy to loan me some of his if I needed it. After he gave this to me, I never allowed my fear to control me again.”
Edmund didn’t respond. When she garnered the courage to look up at him, she sucked in her breath at the intensity on his face. She couldn’t determine exactly what he was feeling, and not knowing was maddening.
“You don’t have to be strong all the time, you know,” he said at last.
“I know, but life is much easier if I remain as such.”
“In a way, I suppose it is. I’ve been there, too. Forced myself to be strong when all the while I was a scared little child on the inside.”
Thrilled with some insight into his childhood, she sat up straighter. “Was that when you received the watch?”
Edmund abruptly stood and crossed the path before turning back to her, anger on his face.
“No. The watch is significant so that I would never be late again.”
Her brows furrowed, not understanding his anger or why he would bring her a piece that meant nothing other than to provide him with the time. “But, there’s got to be more than that.”
“You want to know the story? Very well,” he practically growled as he began pacing. “I couldn’t have been much more than six and after having been harshly punished by my father for being late, my grandfather gave me the watch and fob that he always had with him. He told me to trust it to guide me and I’d never be late again.”
“That’s—”
“Not what you were wanting, I know. My grandfather, who is probably the only person who ever cared for me, died two days later.” He stopped pacing and squeezed his eyes shut. “It’s probably for the best that you don’t come here to see me.”
He spun around and sped down the path.
“Edmund!” she called as she hurried after him. He didn’t stop or turn around.
As a torrent of emotions washed over her, she froze, clutching her father’s cravat. She would be strong. This meant nothing. He meant nothing. As promised, the wind had picked up. It was time to allow the current to blow them apart.
~ ~ ~
Edmund peered through the foliage at Carolyn while she tended his grandmother’s garden. He felt like a trespasser, but after two days of not seeing her, he’d begun to go a little mad. Even Thomas had kept the distance from him.
Memories assaulted him, too close to the surface in this place. Especially after Carolyn forced him to dredge up the beginning of the most difficult time in his life.
Forcing his eyes away, he dropped down to the bench and cradled his head in his hands while his elbows rested on his knees. This garden had been constructed by his grandfather for his wife. Then, it had been shown to Edmund’s mother as a place of protection for them.
Any time his father had been in one of his rages, she had brought him here to keep them both safe. Thinking about the ease of their relationship before the old duke died was bittersweet. The memories were somewhat pleasant, but there was no reconciling that woman to the person his mother had become. She was a complete mystery to him. At times, he wanted nothing more than to discover the truth of her. To understand what had happened to her. Then, the very next minute he wanted no part of her.
“Edmund?” Carolyn’s honeyed voice was like a balm for his weary soul. “Are you all right?”
He felt her warmth as she slid onto the bench beside him and lightly rested her hand over his. As he peered into her caring face, desire swamped him. For too long he’d denied himself. And, he was desperate to be close to someone. To be close to her.
“I am now,” he rasped as his attention fell to her lips. How sweet would she taste? Anticipation had his heart pumping wildly. Ever so slowly, he leaned closer to her.
She caught her bottom lip between her teeth, but she didn’t move away. “Are . . . Are you going to kiss me?”
The question stopped him, but only for a second. “Yes,” he breathed.
“But, don’t you intend to ask me first?” Her voice shook a little, but still, she made no move to leave.
“No.”
She huffed out a breath. “What if I have no desire for you to kiss me?”
“Then, you would stop me.”
Before she had a chance to ask another question, he pressed his mouth to hers. Her warm lips were like silk. Flooded with sensation, he wrapped his arms around her, holding her as close to him as their position would allow.
Carolyn remained utterly still, and that wasn’t good enough. He slid one hand up her neck to cup her cheek. He kissed and cajoled her mouth until she softened in his arms. That was what he needed from her.
Using his tongue, he traced her lips and took advantage when shock parted her lips. With every ounce of strength he possessed, he forced himself to move slowly. The feeling of her in his arms and her intoxicating taste on his tongue spiked him with lust and robbed him of every thought except her.
His hands shook with the effort of holding back. Then, she tentatively moved her tongue against his, and he lost it. This was exactly what he’d been envisioning for the past few weeks. And, the reality put all his fantasies to shame.
The feeling of her hands moving up his chest to twine around his neck spurred him on further. He wanted more from her. Needed more. As he closed his hands around her slender waist and pulled her to sit on top of his lap, he marveled at how delicate she was. Practically weightless in his arms.
With her so close, and her thigh pressed against the part of him aching for her, he could barely see straight. He groaned to be assaulted with a desire much stronger than he’d ever felt in all his six-and-twenty years.
Abruptly, Carolyn shoved at his chest and scrambled off him. Then, she stood there, lightly touching her swollen lips as she gazed at him. He had a good idea of how he was looking at her, but he was still too overcome to mask his thoughts. He wanted her too much.
Before he could utter a word, she spun around and practically ran down the row to get away from him. Although he wanted to follow, after mauling her, he owed her some space.
Seeing her gardening tools left behind, he felt a moment of unease. She’d never left them before, and he sincerely hoped she intended to return and collect them.