Chapter 4
“Damn it!” Edmund threw his riding gloves toward the entry table and glared at them when they landed on the floor.
Clenching his fists, he resisted the urge to rip the offending things apart. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths, willing himself to gather his composure. Footsteps moved around him, but he suspected whoever they belonged to knew better than to bother him. These past weeks had been . . . difficult.
“Lost your temper again?” Thomas sounded mildly amused. “What was it this time? The wind blowing the wrong direction?”
Edmund glared at his cousin before marching off toward his study. He had no desire to think of the bloody wind blowing. These days, the only thing keeping him sane had been the monotonous affairs of his estate.
“Don’t you dare think I will leave you alone so easily,” Thomas commented, his voice right behind Edmund.
“Do what you will, just don’t expect much from me.”
Once in the study, Edmund cringed when Thomas slammed the door. “What has gotten into you? I’ve kept my distance, but no one wants to live like this any longer. Honestly, the only person who seems to take pleasure in your foul mood is your mother.”
Edmund sat behind his desk and eyed Thomas. If it had been anyone else before him, he knew tempering his tongue would be near impossible. However, considering what he’d asked of his cousin, Edmund allowed the man a slight bit of freedom to speak his mind.
“I have little care for others’ opinions,” Edmund replied simply.
“That’s fairly obvious, but unless you want the entire staff to quit, you should do something about this.”
With a shake of his head, Thomas crossed the room toward the sidebar. While he mumbled something under his breath, he poured two glasses of brandy, then set them on the desk.
Edmund lifted one quizzical eyebrow. “I didn’t ask for a glass.”
“Drink it anyway. In my experience, alcohol helps. At least, for a little while.”
Grudgingly accepting the brandy, Edmund took a sip, savoring the burning liquid as it moved down his throat. Images of Carolyn assaulted him out of nowhere, so he downed the glass before he poured himself another. The urge to drown himself in the bottle overwhelmed.
“Good idea.” Edmund closed his eyes as he finished the second glass, but the maddening, beautiful images still plagued him.
He clenched his teeth. It had been a fortnight since he’d seen her. A fortnight since their mind-altering kiss. A bloody fortnight and her gardening supplies were exactly where she’d left them.
If she had the decency to visit the garden, she’d probably be pleased to see he’d finished weeding all the beds. Although the cold temperatures made it more difficult, he had attacked the weeds on his mission to finish her work.
A large part of him had expected her to return each day. She had worked too hard to abandon it like this. To abandon him.
“Talk to me, Edmund. Tell me what has you in such a tear lately.”
“Nothing except my usual unhappiness with life.”
Thomas shook his head. “That’s not it at all. Your normal sour mood has you moving your stupid stone pile, not heaving them across the way as if they were weightless.”
Heat crept up Edmund’s neck. “You saw that, did you?”
“Heard it, actually. Me and half of the castle.”
Letting out a long breath, Edmund raked his hands over his face. He had to find Carolyn. If he could apologize, then perhaps they could go back to their friendship.
A small voice in the back of his mind balked at the idea. Truthfully, he wanted so much more than friendship. Clearly, she did not. In the end, he would take any part of her he could get. In all of his life, he’d never looked forward to anything as much as he had his time in the garden with her.
“I just don’t know what to do.”
With his eyebrow raised, Thomas leaned forward on his knees. “About what? I’ve never seen you so confused.”
It was on the edge of his tongue to ask Thomas to help him locate Carolyn. However, he wasn’t even sure how to begin. They’d left too much to chance by keeping their identities secret. Although, he couldn’t imagine how she would react if she found out she had been spending her time with the Duke of Demoon. Something told him she wouldn’t be pleased.
With that in mind, every move he made to find her had to be in secret. Especially since he couldn’t knock on every door asking if Carolyn lived there. No. He needed to draw her out. To bring her here.
An unbidden smile twisted his lips. In her story about her father, he discovered she had noble blood. That made everything so much easier. After all, there were a number of ways to bring out the gentry.
“You have no reason to worry over me any longer. I believe what I need is something drastically different in my life.”
Thomas sat back, a suspicious look on his face. “I don’t think I like the sound of that. Nor do I like the gleam in your eyes.
“I’ve decided to allow my mother to host a ball.”
“What?” His cousin choked on his brandy.
“You heard me.” As ideas entered his mind, Edmund liked the plan more and more. “A masquerade ball. Masks will be offered to those who don’t bring one, or they won’t be welcome in my house.”
“Why? You made it clear you didn’t want curious eyes wandering around the castle.” Thomas’s confusion was evident.
“I didn’t want to be confined to my chambers while guests roamed the halls, but that won’t be a problem. Guards will be set at the stairs as well as in the hallways to deter any of the bolder guests. Besides, I don’t intend to be in my quarters.”
As if now realizing his meaning, Thomas slowly nodded. “You will be attending the ball with a mask.”
Edmund grinned. “Exactly.”
He may have to talk to every single woman who entered his house, but he would find Carolyn. And, she would come. Of that he had no doubt. After all, who would dare refuse an invitation to a ball hosted by the elusive Duke of Demoon?
~ ~ ~
“With child?” Carolyn’s gaze zeroed in on her sister, Claire’s, flat stomach.
“Yes. Just barely, though. I hadn’t thought much when I missed my menses, then the sickness began, and Ian suspected.”
Carolyn swallowed. She couldn’t tear her gaze away from Claire’s midsection. A little person like Jacob was growing inside her sister at this very moment. The entire business seemed quite strange and inconvenient.
“How could he have known when you, yourself, did not?”
At one point, Carolyn had hated how little she knew about the subject, but she suspected it no longer mattered, as she wouldn’t need the knowledge for herself. She did understand the mechanics of how a child was conceived, but she hadn’t thought about the method of telling if it had worked.
“Apparently, he’d been speaking to the doctor. Seeing as we hadn’t conceived in all this time, he worried there was a problem.”
“Then, I suppose congratulations are in order.”
Claire nodded, tears in her eyes. “I’m just so happy. And, you should see Ian. Honestly, I’m surprised he allowed me out of his sight to visit with you today.”
“I am very happy for both of you.”
Seeing such joy on her sister’s face nearly brought Carolyn to tears as well. Although Claire was older, Carolyn had spent her life protecting her sister from the harsh realities of this world. Exactly as her father had said, Carolyn had been the strong one.
“I suppose I shouldn’t be telling you all of this, seeing as you are unmarried.”
Carolyn laughed. “Don’t concern yourself over that. I may not understand the entire process, but I’ve known what happens between a man and a woman for years now.”
Her sister’s eyes widened. “How is that possible? I had to ask the dowager viscountess. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable that was?”
“I can only imagine, but I suspect it was easier than the talk I endured. I asked our father.”
“And, he told you?” Shock reverberated through Claire’s words.
With a shrug, Carolyn turned her attention out the window. “He saw the two of us as completely different.”
Edmund’s words came back to her, and she winced at the memory. He was right. She had forced herself to be strong. For her sister, and for her father. Carolyn knew she and Gordon had overly sheltered Claire, but it was good to know one of them had enjoyed a normal childhood.
Memories of how she’d found solace in the garden in her youth brought thoughts of the duke’s secret garden. She desperately wanted to go back, but she couldn’t. The feelings she’d experienced in Edmund’s arms had scared her.
She counted herself lucky that he hadn’t followed her that day. For if he had, she wasn’t sure what would have happened. Not only was he strong enough to take what he wanted from her, but a new part of her had been awakened, and she was fairly certain she would have let him.
“Well, I suppose it doesn’t matter. Besides, it saves me from having to explain it to you on your wedding day.”
Tired of Claire’s continual insistence that she would marry, Carolyn let out a long breath. “I told you in London, I have decided not to marry.”
Claire stood, then slid onto the seat beside her. “I know some of the gentlemen there can make you question spending the rest of your life with one, but they aren’t all like that.”
“I know that, but I’m done with London. The country is where I shall remain.”
Her sister’s eyes brightened, and Carolyn resisted the urge to groan. Over their childhood, it had been difficult not to give in to Claire. Partially from a desire to give her whatever she wanted, and partially in order to borrow her innocence for a short while. This time, however, Carolyn suspected she wouldn’t like whatever Claire was planning.
“You know there is no reason why you can’t find a husband right here in the country. Then, if you find a gentleman from nearby, we will always be close.”
“If you are talking about Mr. Avery, you can stop right there.”
“Not exactly, but he’s not a bad option. Annalise told me you have been out of sorts lately, but I think it’s time you took note of what has been going on.”
“What are you talking about?” Carolyn knew she had been distracted lately, but she hadn’t realized her sister-in-law had been intentionally not informing her of the current happenings.
“Out of nowhere, we received an invitation to a ball hosted by the Duke of Demoon.”
Carolyn’s heart stopped. Why? Had he discovered she’d been using his personal garden? Taking a deep breath, she relaxed herself. Of course he hadn’t. His hosting a ball had nothing to do with her.
“Are you certain the duke is hosting? Perhaps the invitations were sent out as some form of jest.”
Claire laughed. “If you’re right, I daresay the perpetrator wouldn’t like the consequences when the duke finds him. Besides, invitations were hand-painted and of the finest quality. For some reason, the duke has decided to open up his castle to the surrounding gentry.”
“And, you believe I will find a husband at the ball?” The very thought was absurd.
“No. It’s a masquerade. I certainly wouldn’t recommend looking for a husband when you can’t even tell who you are speaking with.”
Confusion swirled through Carolyn. It hadn’t helped that thoughts of Edmund had turned around in her mind much too often as of late. It was a wonder she could think at all any more.
“So, your plan is . . .”
“Apparently, the duke’s sudden interest in gatherings has spurred the countryside into action. We’ve received a number of invitations for events over the next few months. I suppose everyone is anxious for the duke to return the favor and attend their functions.”
Carolyn groaned. This was not what she needed right now. She enjoyed the country for its solitude and peace. In the past weeks that she’d been avoiding Edmund, she’d spent time in the garden at Dailey or riding the fields. She couldn’t stand for her days to become filled with social calls, picnics, and luncheons. All followed by dances and dinner parties.
A touch of unease prickled her skin. She could encounter Edmund at any one of these events. Although the thought set her heart to racing, she truly didn’t want to see him again. Considering they had no future together, she had no desire to become any more attached to him. And, the idea that she could become so, frightened her beyond measure.
~ ~ ~
Edmund spun another nameless, faceless girl through the final steps of the dance before depositing her in a group of ladies. So far, he had been unsuccessful in locating Carolyn, and his frustration was mounting. He listened, spoke to, and danced with almost every lady in attendance.
As he stood back and surveyed the crowd, he tried to clear his mind and take the time to enjoy the moment. This was his first ball. Both as host and attendee. Although the crush of people increased his anxiety, it also excited him.
His mother could think as she would, but these were his guests. It was his seal and his name on every invitation. Knowing there were so many people who would come at his request was a heady feeling. He only wished Carolyn was one of them.
The sound of an irritated male voice gained his attention. “Can you at least pretend to enjoy yourself?”
Turning, he sought out the source. After all, aside from the speculations about whether he was in attendance or not, the only other whispers were of enjoyment.
“She’s having much too good a time,” the gentleman continued. “Please don’t make me force her to leave so soon.”
Edmund’s gaze fell on the lady to whom the man spoke, a petite woman with piles of blond curls fastened on her head. A tremor passed through his body and stole his breath. Carolyn. He had found her.
She let out a sigh. “Go dance with your wife. I’ll be fine.”
A smile played at his lips. No doubt remained at her identity. That was Carolyn. Not only was her voice emblazoned on his memory, but self-sacrifice was a deeply ingrained part of her character.
When the gentleman hurried away, Edmund moved swiftly to her side. She looked up at him without any recognition in her eyes. At that moment, all he wanted to do was forget who they were and their past, pull her up against him, and dance with her.
He bowed then offered her his arm, silently willing her to understand. The tension in his body evaporated the second she curtsied and took his offered escort. As he led her to the dance floor, he smiled at the sound of a waltz beginning. Exactly the dance he would have selected for them at this moment.
As he pulled her into his arms, and the music integrated them with the other couples, he felt as though he was the luckiest man in the room. Although his skills for dancing had deteriorated over the years, with her, it seemed to be a natural movement.
They danced in silence. Her body tantalizing him with every brush of her skirts against his legs. His breathing sped, and all he could concentrate on was her lips, left untouched by her mask. He wanted to kiss her again. Right here. Right now.
Unable to take the sensations swarming his body as they revolved around the room, he leaned into her and whispered against her ear. “I must talk to you, Carolyn. Let me take you somewhere.”
She pulled back from him so fast, they missed a few steps before he could draw her back into the dance. Another benefit from a masquerade ball was that no one would be able to criticize them for their missteps.
“Edmund? What . . .? How . . .?”
“Please?” He hated the desperation in his voice, but he would hate having her walk away from him even more.
“Very well.” Her resigned voice told him exactly how much she didn’t look forward to spending any time with him.
He couldn’t think on that now. His mind was already too preoccupied with her, and he had to navigate them toward the study without being stopped. Spinning her around the room one last time, he released her as close as he could to the door.
As they moved from the dance floor and out of the room, she took his arm. Everyone around them either hadn’t noticed, or hadn’t cared. He couldn’t hold back a smile. This was easier than he originally thought.
Moving swiftly, they passed the staff members that he’d insisted be present in all the hallways to prevent anyone moving about where they were not invited. Having already informed the staff of his intention and his costume, none of them stopped him or even acknowledge his presence.
“Where are you taking me?” Carolyn whispered, as she glanced around.
“Not much farther.”
When they reached his study, a young maid dropped into a low curtsy at his presence. His eyes widened in shock as he glanced at Carolyn. Luckily, she hadn’t noticed. Irritated that the one movement could have ruined so much for him, he hastened Carolyn inside one of his favorite places in the whole castle.
Closing the door, he slid the bolt into place then turned around and promptly ran into Carolyn. She hadn’t moved since she’d set foot in the room.
“Where are we?” Her voice had taken on a hint of hysteria.
“Carolyn?” He touched her shoulders, and she whipped around to face him.
“This is the duke’s study, isn’t it?” Her voice had risen.
He glanced around the room trying to see what it was that upset her so much. “It is. Are you all right?”
She laughed, but the sound gave no mirth. “We shouldn’t be here. I’m already terrified enough to be in his house. Do you have any idea what he would do to us if he were to discover us here?”
Letting out a groan, Edmund leaned back against the door. Of course she would see it that way. “I didn’t think about that.”
“Well, you should have.” She began pacing. “After what we had done to his garden, and now this. I—”
Unable to take her panic any longer, he grabbed her shoulders, and turned her to face him. Needing to see her beautiful face, he pulled off her mask and tossed it to the side before discarding his as well. The fear in her eyes wrenched his heart. She was terrified because she thought he—the Duke of Demoon—intended to harm her.
“I’m not my father,” he ground out.
Confusion flashed across her face. “What?”
He swallowed. He hadn’t meant to say that. “I’m sorry. I brought you here to apologize, but all I seem to be doing is making a mess of everything.”
“You have nothing to apologize for.” She pulled away from his grasp and moved to stand before his desk. “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you had done something wrong.”
Now it was his turn to be confused. “If you aren’t upset that I kissed you, then why didn’t you come back? The flowers will struggle in the cold, and I don’t know what to do for them.”
“I suppose that’s the duke’s problem now. We’re just clouds, remember? I think I’m feeling the wind picking up.”
Unwilling to accept her words, he walked forward to stand in front of her. “It may be cold, but there isn’t a hint of wind.”
A pained look crossed her face. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t understand what’s going on, and that’s unacceptable.”
“We’re just two people taking pleasure in each other’s company.”
“What about marriage?”
He reared back at her question. He hadn’t wanted to give her any hope that he would be offering for her. The knowledge that she had thought about it troubled him.
“That has nothing to do with our relationship.”
“I’m not suggesting that it does. As a lord, you need to marry and—”
“There you go making assumptions again. I told you not to do that.” He shook his head at her.
“Very well, so you don’t need to marry, but what about me? I’m getting pressure to find a husband whether I want one or not. How can I do anything when I spend all of my time with you?”
Not liking the direction of their conversation, he raked his hands through his hair. He couldn’t lose her to another man. Not now.
“I thought you said you didn’t intend to marry.”
She let out a breath, and her shoulders sagged. “I should go.”
The idea of her walking out the door and him losing her again brought irrational anger surging through him. He straightened his back. He would not let her go just yet. He wasn’t ready to give up the happiness she brought into his bleak life.