Birthday Blues
The weekend of my birthday was full of surprises. Mel held a family meeting and announced a foundation for Noah, one she wanted the entire family to be a part of. Mel threw her entire financial backing into the project, and she also agreed to release Noah’s EP.
Her announcement took the focus off my birthday, which I was grateful for. Without Noah, it isn’t a happy occasion anymore.
When everyone left, Mel and I continued drinking and talking into the night. Mel confessed she has a Weston tattoo—it was her Christmas gift to Noah. I was shocked. Princess has never struck me as the tattoo type. I couldn’t shake the idea of her tattoo or the sudden desire to see it for myself. Those thoughts could lead me down a dangerous path if I’m not careful.
A few minutes later, she moved in to kiss my cheek. I was putting my drink down and she accidentally got my lips instead. We brushed it off, but after she went to bed, it was all I could think about.
It was just a quick kiss, and it shouldn’t have affected me, but it did. Fuck. I can’t allow myself to go down this road again.
We got our birthday tattoos the following evening. Watching Mel get inked was seriously hot. I know it shouldn’t have been. Internally, I berated myself all night. We were getting memorial tattoos for Noah, for fuck's sake. But as the night wore on and we started drinking away the pain, I let myself imagine the what ifs.
After a few too many drinks, Mel was a bit unsteady on her feet. I helped her into bed and kissed her goodnight. The kiss was brief, a light brush of my lips over hers, but it wasn’t a familial kiss in the least. All those emotions I’d buried deep inside came rushing back, and that’s how I knew I was in too deep.
Over the next few months, Mel and I continue to grow closer. When the ten-month anniversary of Noah’s death rolls around, the morning starts off rough. I know if I don’t get out of the house, Mel and I will get drunk and I’ll do something I’ll regret. With each passing day, it’s becoming increasingly difficult not to touch her … or kiss her. I want to be the one who takes away her pain with my words and affection. It’s a messed-up situation all the way around. I’m beginning to think she feels the same way, but I’m not ready to take that risk in case I’m wrong. Besides, Noah hasn’t even been gone a year.
Instead of moping around the house, I reschedule my date with Lola for tonight. I’m trying to psyche myself up and hoping we can have a good time together, but it’s hard.
If the date’s a bust, I can always head over to the bar and hook up with someone there. Maybe getting laid will knock Mel out of my orbit for a bit. After tucking a couple of condoms in my wallet, I grab my keys and head out to say bye to Mel.
Mel looks up at me, and her mouth falls open before she slams it shut. Her gaze flicks over me from head to toe, and she raises a brow. “Going somewhere?”
“Yeah, I’m taking Lola out tonight.”
Why does it hurt to tell her that?
“I thought you didn’t like her?”
“She’s been there for me, Mel. I feel like I owe it to her, and maybe to myself, to try to see where this goes.” Okay, that was a slight exaggeration, but still, I don’t need to defend myself. I haven’t done anything wrong.
“Oh, well … um … okay. Have fun.”
“Sure thing.” I turn toward the front door.
“Hey, Sawyer?” she calls out, and I turn to face her.
“Yeah, Mel?”
“Just be safe tonight, okay?”
Oh man, she’s worried. Now I feel like a jerk. “Of course.”
All the way to Lola’s I talk myself out of turning around and going back home to spend the evening with Mel. It’s where I’d rather be, but I can’t spend my life pining over someone I can’t have. That’s exactly what will happen if I stay home. Or worse, I’ll act on my impulses.
When I get to Lola’s house, she’s already waiting on the porch. That’s odd. She hops in the car with a huge smile.
“Hey, Sawyer! I’m so glad we’re finally doing this!”
As she clicks her seatbelt into place, I rake my gaze over her shapely legs. She looks nice in a black skirt, black heels, and a red top. Her makeup is a bit heavy for my taste, but that’s how Lola’s always been.
“Hey, Lola, me too. Sorry it took so long. Things have been crazy.”
“No kidding, I’m still tripping about Noah. If that were my brother, I don’t know what I’d do. Well … duh, you already know how hard it is. Shit. Sorry, I don’t know how to talk about this kind of thing.”
Jesus, is she still in high school? No, that’s not fair; she’s probably just nervous.
“It’s cool, don’t worry about it. Tell me about your day.”
While Lola goes on about her trip to the mall with a friend of hers, I’m already regretting this date. Anna was right when she said some people never change. When we arrive at Duke’s, I tip the valet handsomely and ask him to keep the car close. Lola isn’t even paying attention. If I’m lucky, I can get out of here after a burger and a beer and hit up Just an Illusion to see J and Sasha instead.
Once we’re seated and have made small talk through the ordering process, Lola starts running her leg up mine underneath the table. I flash her my fangirl smile, and she practically melts in a puddle. Figures, she’s just looking for a celebrity fuck. Not that I’ve ever been opposed, but it’s not going to happen with her.
“How is Noah’s wife holding up? It must be so hard with a baby.”
“Mel’s doing better. Taking it day by day, you know?”
“Totally. And Darren too, right? His girlfriend died as well?”
Does she not remember any of our talks? I’m positive we’ve gone over this.
“Yeah, he’s doing okay. His focus is on Cadence, where it should be. He and Mel are working through it. It helps since Belle was Mel’s sister.”
“I didn’t know Mel was black!”
The fuck?
“They’re not biological sisters.”
“Oh, gotcha! Well, maybe her and Darren will hook up now that they’re single parents and all.”
“That won’t be happening.” She’s fucking nuts, and I need to pretend what she’s saying isn’t fazing me. Something’s not right.
“You never know. People end up coming together in strange ways when bad things happen. I mean, look at us. Did you ever think we’d end up on an actual date?”
“No, I can honestly say it never crossed my mind.”
The waiter brings our food, and I’ve already got a big tip planned for him. One perk of being a celebrity and a local is knowing the waitstaff. They rush the orders to keep you coming back. During dinner, she keeps brushing her leg against mine. I wish she’d stop—it’s not sexy at all, just annoying. While I eat, she talks about her job in customer service, but she barely eats a bite of her food.
“Is your dinner okay?”
She stops stirring her ketchup with a fry and looks up at me. “Yeah, I’m just not very hungry.”
I take the opportunity to flash her the biggest panty-melting smile I have. “It’s okay. How about we get out of here? You can take it to go.”
She looks relieved even as she runs her arm up mine. Her physical motions scream she wants to fuck, but she doesn’t look happy. This has to be the worst date ever, but I don’t date, so I don’t exactly have a point of reference.
“That would be great. My boyfriend doesn’t like it when I’m gone too long.”
This keeps getting better and better. It’s an out for me, so I’m going to take it.
“Well, we don’t want him to worry. I didn’t realize you were dating. Is it serious?”
She goes on and on about this guy as the waiter wraps her food and gets the check. I sent him to call for my car so that we can leave right away. I can’t wait to drop her off and go get a drink.
“Wow! Look at you getting the celebrity treatment,” she says as she climbs inside the waiting car. “Actually, that’s what I was hoping to talk to you about.”
My phone pings with an incoming message, and I pull the car off to the side of the parking lot. “Sorry, I need to check this. It might be about Nate.”
“Yeah, no problem,” she replies, digging through her purse. “It’s so cool of you to take care of Noah’s kid. Most guys wouldn’t do that.”
“Well, I’m not most guys.”
Wyatt: I heard through the grapevine that you’re making some poor life choices tonight and I’m supposed to be your voice of reason.
I laugh out loud and glance over at Lola, and my eyes practically bug out of my head. She’s not paying one bit of attention to me, but she is doing a line of coke in my fucking car. On my dashboard of all places. Motherfucker.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
Wyatt: You’re not out with Lola?
Not for long, I’ll call you later. I gotta deal with something.
I text Ryan since he’s on duty tonight.
I’m on my way back. I’ll be there in less than fifteen minutes. I need you to take Lola home; she’s high.
Ryan: I’ll have the car running.
Lola has already wiped the dash and is ready to go when I put my phone away. I don’t need this shit right now.
“Look, I have to deal with some family stuff. My security guard is going to drop you back at your house.”
“Cool, so look … my boyfriend is kind of a big deal. He’s the supplier to all the local celebrities, and his drugs are top-notch and totally pure. I was hoping you could introduce him to your friends.”
Will this night never end? Gripping the steering wheel, I try to stay within the speed limit because I have no idea what kind of inventory she has on her. Whatever she has would likely get us both arrested if we were to be pulled over, not to mention the field day the press would have.
“Lola, that’s not my scene.”
“Sure, it is. You’re one of the biggest celebrities ever!”
I forgot how hard it is to talk to someone when they’re high.
“No, I mean the drugs. We don’t use them, and we don’t knowingly hang out with people who do.”
She laughs like that’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard.
“You’re joking, right? Everyone in the business is taking some drug or another, and I’m telling you, Sawyer, my man is basically the keeper of the drug kingdom. He sent me with a sample for you to try.”
“I don’t do drugs, and I won’t be trying anything.” We’re pulling into my gate now, and I can’t wait to get rid of her. At this point, I’m just going to get drunk with Mel and have a few laughs over this. I’m not in the mood to go out anymore.
Ryan opens her door, and it’s awkward.
“Let me walk you to the door. It’s the least I can do since you bought me dinner.”
Okay, I can handle one quick hug goodbye. I open the front door and step inside. The music Mel’s listening to greets my ears and helps calm me. Going out tonight was a bad idea. I would have been much happier here.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see Mel and pull Lola in for a hug. She reaches for a baggie of coke and stuffs it in my pocket while whispering in my ear. “Just in case.”
Knowing Mel is within viewing distance has me flustered, and I walk Lola back to the car. After they take off and the gate closes behind them, I can breathe a little easier. That is until I step inside of the house and hear Mel screaming.
“Dammit, Noah, what do I do now?”
I rush inside and turn her to me. “Princess, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t fucking touch me!”
Quickly releasing her, I rake my gaze over her to be sure she’s in one piece. “Seriously, Mel, you’re freaking me out. What’s wrong?”
“You have the audacity to ask me that?” Fire rages in her eyes. It seems like jealousy but also something more.
“Is this about Lola? It was dinner, Mel. I didn’t even kiss her.”
She brings her hands together in a slow clap. “Well, fucking bravo for you. Were you too high to get it up, or were you just using her to score?”
I reach into my pocket, and it’s empty. Even I can admit this looks bad.
She waves the baggie in the air. “Looking for this?”
“It’s not what you think, Mel. I can explain.”
“Tell it to someone who cares, Sawyer. I’m done! I will put up with a lot of shit, but this isn’t part of it. How long have you been using?”
Anger courses through me. I was willing to explain, but she doesn’t get to assume I’m an addict. Leaning casually against the counter, I cross my arms, playing it way cooler than I feel right now. “Is that what you think of me now? That I’m a druggie addict liar? Do you know me at all?”
Now she’s crying. No, don’t cry, Mel. That’s the last thing I want.
“I thought I did, Sawyer, but I’m not sure anyone has ever surprised me more.” She tosses the baggie on the table and storms off. She’s pissed. I even hear her lock snap into place, and she never locks her door.
With the baggie in hand, I cross over to the sink and dump the powder down the drain. When I’m finished, I’m oddly proud of myself. I dumped drugs without a second thought.
How about that, big brother?
The Sawyer who existed a few years ago would have found any number of reasons to keep those drugs. Now, if I can only figure out how to make this right with Mel.
Mel’s cries echo down the hall for the next hour or so. After knocking back a couple of shots, I text Wyatt and fill him in on the night’s events. By the time I finish a couple of beers, I want to kick myself for even leaving the house tonight. Going out on the anniversary of this day was a bad idea from the get-go. And doing it with Lola … What the fuck was I thinking? Listening to Mel’s sobs breaks my heart. I did learn one thing tonight though: Mel was jealous. I haven’t had any girlfriends to know jealousy well, but I experienced the emotion enough when I wanted Mel when she was with Noah.
The realization has me taking a few more shots. Mel has feelings for me, and I most definitely have them for her. It doesn’t matter how hard I’ve tried to push them away, they’ve always been there. My feelings for her are complicated because they’re shrouded in guilt and shame, but the one thing that makes it seem a little less shameful is that Noah basically absolved me from any sin regarding it. Loving my brother's wife is wrong on so many levels, but can it really be so bad if she might love me back?
It seems like forever before morning comes and when it does, Mel gives me a scare. When I enter her room, there are open suitcases spread out on her bed. I’m terrified of what it all means, and I think she can tell because she softens toward me. She allows me to explain what really happened last night. She’s so relieved, she agrees to go out with me for a few hours.
We went to breakfast and the farmers market. I know it was just an outing for her, but for me, it was more of a date than the one I had with Lola last night. I’m completely fucked. All my feelings for Mel have returned, and it’s hard as hell to deal with. My mood lightens a bit as we do some birthday shopping for Nate. I might have gone a bit overboard, but my nephew only turns one once, and we need to step it up and make it count for Noah too.
We’ve only been home a little while when Veronica drops off the kids. I’m on the couch answering some emails, and Mel is changing Cadence on the floor. She’s such a natural with them, it’s hard to believe she ever closed herself off. I should be working, but I can’t take my eyes off them, and that’s when I see Nate crawling toward me. I put my computer to the side knowing it’s only a few seconds before he reaches me.
Nate pulls on the leg of my pants and catches my eye. “Dada.”
All it takes is one word to steal the oxygen from my lungs. I had no clue it could happen so fast.
Mel’s eyes lock on mine, and she nods for me to pick him up. It doesn’t seem like she knows what to say either. I’ll play this cool. I can do this.
“Hey, little man.” I point to myself. “Uncle Sawyer.”
“Dada.”
With a measured breath, I reply again, “Uncle Sawyer.” Nate thinks it’s a joke and laughs.
“Dada.”
“I’m sorry, Mel. I don’t know what to do but to keep saying it.”
“It’s okay, Sawyer. It’s natural, right? He sees Cadence call Darren that all the time and to him you’re his Darren. It only makes sense.”
Her permission doesn’t make it right, and it doesn’t lessen the pain at all. My eyes are filled with tears, and I pull Nate into a big hug. I’d give anything to have Noah here for this.
“You’ve got the best dad in the world, Nate, he’s just not here to do his job. You’ve got Uncle Sawyer, though, and I may not be the best but I make a pretty good substitute.”
Mel hugs Cadence to her. “You are the best substitute, Sawyer. Thank you.”
“Ahmel,” Cadence says before opening her mouth and kissing Mel with a bunch of drool running off her lips. It’s adorable and kind of gross, but it makes Princess laugh, which has Cadence laughing too.
After we put the kids to bed, Mel and I meet up in my room as usual. We try to talk business, but we’re both a little down tonight.
“Mel, I’m sorry about earlier.”
“There’s nothing to be sorry for. I hate that Noah isn’t here for this, but it does sort of make me proud that Nate is smart enough to realize that’s what you are to him.”
“No, I’m not.” Nope, not happening. Noah is Nate’s dad. I know she’s trying to make this okay because she has a good heart, but it’s just not.
“I know, Sawyer, but you are in all the ways that matter. He’s too little to understand it now, but he knows who protects him and keeps him safe. Biology doesn’t make a parent, Sawyer.”
“No, it doesn’t, but love does. Noah loved the fuck out of him.”
Her beautiful eyes lock on mine, and they’re filled with sadness and acceptance. “He did, and it’s what makes this all the more tragic. We can show Nate videos and photos and tell him until we’re blue in the face how much Noah loved him.”
“And we will.” I feel bad for snapping at her and take a deep breath.
“Yes, of course we will. But at the end of the day, it’s your love he has. It’s your hugs that make him feel safe, it’s your voice that sings him to sleep. I know you want to be a part of his life, Sawyer, but I think over the next year or so you’re going to have to decide how big of a role you want because he’s already attached.”
Does she think I haven’t thought about this every day since the accident? I made promises to Noah that night, but over the past ten months, I’ve made them to myself as well. I may not have any rights to Nate, but as long as Princess is letting me take the lead role in his life, I’m going to cherish it for as long as it lasts.
“There’s no deciding. I want it all, Mel.”
Mel nods thoughtfully. “But your future wife might not, and your future kids may not understand. You really need to think long and hard about this.”
I don’t give a fuck about a fake future woman when the only one I’ve ever wanted is sitting close enough to drive me wild.
“There’s nothing to think about. Any woman who doesn’t understand this isn’t the kind of woman I’d want to spend my life with.”
“Fair enough.”
That was easier than I thought. Her body relaxes, and she exhales softly as her relief settles in. Our lives are so intertwined, I imagine it would be hard for her to think about me bowing out. Just like it kills me to think about her ever finding someone new and raising Nate with him. Even if Mel and I never get a chance to have a future together, I’d happily live the rest of my days playing mock family with her and Nate. They are my entire world these days. I don’t ever want to find out who I’d become without them.