Jesus, what did I do? Princess poured her fucking heart out online last night and admitted our relationship, and I hid in the garage and pouted all night like a little kid. When I rush upstairs to our room, she isn’t there. Maybe she ended up going back to her old room last night. I know how insecure she can be at times. Quickly, I hop in the shower and throw on some clean clothes. I’ll convince her to come to breakfast with me, and maybe we can drive up to Santa Barbara for the day and take the kids to the zoo. They’d love that, and it would be good for us to get out of the house and have some fun.
Quietly, I open the door to Noah’s room and look around. She’s not in bed. With a heavy heart, I turn toward the closed closet. The light is on, and as I inch closer, the muffled sounds of her cries escape. I back out of the room as quietly as I came in. My heart aches for her and for us. After peeking into the nursery to check on the kids, I grab my keys and take off. I’ve got a lot to think about today.
Over the next two weeks, I avoid Mel as much as possible. I’m trying to let go of the anger that has been mounting inside of me by filling my time with meetings and working on the next charity EP release.
The day after the wedding I drove for hours before ending up at my house by the creek. As I sat in the gazebo, I thought of all the things I want out of life. At the top of that list is a home. The beach house has always been just that—a house. I want a place where my family lives. Where we make notches on the walls to chart our kid’s growth. A home where crayon drawings live on painted walls instead of paper because children follow their imaginations instead of rules. A place where fifty years from now my wife and I will reminisce fondly about all the memories we made there. I want that with Mel, but she has to want it too.
Unfortunately, she’s regressed these last two weeks. All she does is spend her days in Noah’s closet with his ghost. I hear her say his name, and it pisses me off. I know it shouldn’t, but why can’t I be the one she talks to? Instead of his closet, why can’t she find her solace in my arms? Wherever she is, that’s where I want to be, but it isn’t the same for her, and lately that’s all I can think about.
I knock on Darren’s door, and when he calls out for me to enter, I close it behind me.
“What’s up, Sawyer?”
I take a seat on the chair next to his bed. “Do you think Veronica would take Cadence a day early? I want to leave for the cabin tomorrow.”
He sits up against his headboard with a furrowed brow. “I’m sure she would, but why?”
“I’m giving Mel an ultimatum before we leave. I can’t do this anymore, Darren.”
“Do what?”
“Live in Noah’s shadow. I don’t want to rush her, but I can’t live like this anymore. His room looks the same as the day he died. This house hasn’t changed one bit since the day she moved in, except for the nursery. I’m not getting any younger. I want someone to build a home and a family with me. This house is amazing, but if you didn’t know there were kids in it, would you guess a family lives here?”
Darren scoots over and dangles his legs off the edge of the bed. “There are toys, but overall no, I wouldn’t. Maybe that’s on all of us though. Maybe Mel doesn’t feel comfortable making changes.”
“Maybe she doesn’t, but shouldn’t she want to live in a place where she does? Shouldn’t she want to spend her life with someone who makes her want those things? Because I want those things, Darren, and I want them with her, but I have a sinking feeling she doesn’t feel the same way.”
When I lean back in the chair, he crosses the room and looks out at the ocean. “I’m not sure pushing her is going to achieve the outcome you want.”
“I’m not sure it will either, but if I don’t try, she’ll think what we have is enough. It’s not enough anymore, not for me.”
Darren sighs and turns back toward me. “I’m not comfortable being in the middle of this. Mel is my friend, and I love her, and she’s been miserable for weeks because of the tension between you two. Can’t you talk to her and explain how you’re feeling?”
“I will tomorrow before we leave. My mom is spending the night tonight to work on foundation business with Mel. Tomorrow, she’s taking the kids to the zoo in the morning. While they’re gone, I plan to talk to Mel. When I’m finished, we’ll spend the night at J’s and head up to the cabin the next morning.”
I look over at the nightstand at the picture of Darren, Belle, and Cadence from Noah’s wedding. They’re all smiling, even Cadence, and I’m slightly envious. More than anything, I wish Belle were still here with her family, but I also wish I had a photo like this with my family. Mel has shied away from pictures with the three of us, and I understand it, but it makes me feel like her dirty little secret. Or even worse, not good enough to be Nate’s stand-in father figure or the man she loves.
“I don’t like it, especially keeping this from Mel, but I won’t get in your way. I’ll be ready tomorrow. For your sake, I hope you know what you’re doing, Sawyer.”
“Me too. If anything, maybe she’ll be so mad at me she’ll start writing again. She’s almost all the way back to us, Darren, I can feel it. Either this will bring her all the way back, or she’ll continue living in the past. The only thing I know is that I can’t continue living in a constant state of denial. It’s not fair to either of us.”
After talking to Darren, I called J and made plans for us to stay at his place tomorrow. Once that’s taken care of, I stopped off briefly at the florist to pick up my standard monthly flower order and am now visiting with Noah and Belle. Coming here brings me peace, and right now I need all the clarity I can get.
“Hey, guys. It’s just a quick visit today because we’re heading out tomorrow for our yearly camping trip. Everyone is coming except for Rob and Dad. Rob’s new baby is due any day, and he doesn’t want to leave Diane. Neither does Dad. I know you guys can understand that.”
The sun dips lower in the sky, and I know I don’t have a lot of time.
“I’m about to give Mel an ultimatum. I’m sure you both would think it’s shitty, but I can’t keep living my life in limbo, loving her and hoping one day she loves me the same. Thoughts of my future with Mel occupy so much of my time I’m surprised I get anything done. I picture our kids, birthdays, and anniversaries, and I want it so badly that it absolutely kills me when I come back down to reality.
“I think deep down she wants it too and is scared to reach for it. That’s where my ultimatum comes in, I guess. I’m going to push her to fight for me, for us. If she can’t do that, it’s time to let her go and put my focus into someone who will. I spent a lot of my life fucking up and being an asshole. I think you’d both be proud of me because I’m not that man anymore. Losing you has pushed me to be a better version of myself. I’ve grown in ways I’d have never expected, and I’m proud of myself. You’d be proud of me Noah. I stepped up, and I kept my promise. It wasn’t hard. Nate and Mel are the center of my universe. The hard part will be backing away if she can’t do this. Not from Nate, never from him, but I’m going to have to start letting Mel go.”
It hurts to say the words, but saying them to Noah makes it worse.
“I’m sorry if I failed you, but your video said you want me to be happy. If I can’t get Mel to be happy with me, I’ve got to find it somewhere else because I finally believe I deserve it. I’ve gotta go, but I love both of you, and I’ll be back soon to fill you in on the camping trip and Mel’s choice.”
When I get back into the car, “Speeding Cars” by Walking On Cars is playing, and all I can do is shake my head and turn down the volume. There are so many elements of this song that remind me of the three of us, and once again, I wonder if Noah is trying to tell me something.
In the morning, Mel tries hard to bridge the distance between us. I’ve got a meeting with an artist who is considering helping out with the next EP. I can’t miss it. It was hard leaving, especially knowing how disappointed she was. My meeting ran late, and by the time I get home, Nate and Darren are packed and ready to go.
I feel bad I won’t get much time to talk to Mel before we leave, but I’m so excited to tell her about my meeting that I push it to the back of my mind. The first thing I notice is Noah’s door is shut, but the haunting melody of “My Immortal” by Evanescence escapes under the door.
Everything turns red and my anger takes the lead. I can’t believe she’s in Noah’s closet again! I throw open the bedroom door and storm inside the room. When I fling open the closet door and see her sitting on his floor, it’s a dagger straight to my heart.
“Unfuckingbelieveable! Jesus, Mel, what the fuck are you doing to yourself?”
Without waiting for an answer, I cross the hall to our room. It’s technically my room now, but after this weekend, maybe I’ll need to move out completely.
“It’s not what you think,” she calls out and is standing in front of me within seconds.
“Really? Then tell me what it is. Because it looks to me like you’re mourning your husband with your death playlist again, and I’m getting really fucking sick of always being in second goddamn place with you!”
Indecision briefly flickers across her face before she looks at me with desperation in her eyes.
“You’re not in second place with me, Sawyer. I wish you could understand that.”
I begin pacing as I run my hands through my hair. Are we ever going to get past this argument? My insecurities have nothing to do with her, but at the same time, they have everything to do with her. We’re in impossible positions here.
“I’ve tried to let it go, but I can’t. I’m angry, and you’re regressing into this sad wife again. I can’t do this anymore, Mel. I thought I could wait forever for you, but I can’t.”
“Are you breaking up with me?” The fear in her voice kills me, but maybe she needs to be scared to understand how much this hurts me.
“Maybe I am because there are some things I can’t get past.”
“Like what?” she snaps, letting her anger take over, and for a second, I’m proud of her for standing up for herself, but I’m not proud enough to back down.
“Let’s see, for starters, I’m tired of second-guessing everything I do with you because I’m wondering if Noah did it first. Or because I know he did and I don’t want to trigger any memories for you.”
“Sawyer—”
“No, let me get this out. Do you know how many times I’ve wanted to kiss your tattoo because it’s my name on your skin? But it’s also his and it was his gift, so putting my lips on that part of your body is pretty much off limits forever. Do you know how much that kills me? To know there is a part of you that will forever be off limits to my lips? Or how many times I’ve thought about putting rings on your fingers but never actually went there because he did it first and you only recently felt okay enough to take them off?”
My anger radiates between us, but it feels good to get all of this off my chest.
“What about kids, Mel? We can’t have them because you did that with him, right?”
She pales. “Sawyer! You’re not being fair!”
“No, maybe I’m not, but fuck it, Mel. I’m tired. I want more. A thousand ways and a thousand times I’ve let you know how much I want you and backed off because you need time and space. I’m sick of everything! I want to make us a home, Mel. A real home, not a house we exist in. Not this shrine to everything Noah!”
When she winces and collapses on the bed, I know I’ve hurt her, but I can’t help how I feel. Noah was my everything too, but we can’t continue living in the past because it isn’t living, it’s existing.
“I love my brother, but I’m so tired of living in his shadow when it comes to you. If you can’t even empty his closet, you’ll never make a home with me.”
“It was one bad night, Sawyer. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”
With a resigned sigh, I take a seat next to her. “That’s the thing, Mel, it wasn’t one bad night. It was the final straw for me in a series of reminders. The first thing you did after one setback was start regressing into the closet. I’m just a way for you to pass the time until things get real.”
She looks up at me and blinks back her tears. All I want to do is pull her into my arms and never let her go, but I have to know she’s willing to live a life with me.
“You’re being unfair and you don’t know the whole story! Yes, I’ve been in the closet, not because I’m regressing but because I feel close to Noah in there for some reason. It’s like my confessional where I talk to him about you. I came to the garage to talk to you that night, but I saw you holding that picture and crying and I didn’t know what to do. I wrote the blog post hoping you’d understand how much you mean to me. You’ve been shutting me out and I take that very personally. I’m not the only one who goes back and forth from hot to cold! What else should I be doing? What else can I do? I’ve been trying to give you space because you’re going through something right now, but fuck, Sawyer, I’ve missed you.”
I find it hard to believe she talks to Noah about me. Mel isn’t a liar though, so maybe she does, but it doesn’t change anything. Her need to feel close to Noah means she isn’t ready to move on yet.
“Nothing, Mel, I don’t know. While I was down there looking at that photo, I realized what a complete fool I’ve been. Noah would want us happy and right now, I’m not fucking happy. So I’ve decided to do something that is either going to make me happy or lead me to eventual happiness because that’s what Noah would ultimately want for me. He wouldn’t want me to be miserable or hanging by a thread, waiting to see if today is the day I’m going to finally hit one of your triggers.”
“What are you going to do?” she whispers.
“I’m giving you an ultimatum and whatever you decide, I’ll go with, but I need your decision by the time I get home on Sunday.”
The color drains from her face, and the knife digs deeper into my heart. Everything is at stake—our love, our friendship, the life we’ve been trying to build together. I could easily end this, apologize, and beg her forgiveness. That won’t change a thing though. We have to change if we’re going to have a fighting chance.
“What is it?” she asks, her voice wobbling.
“You need to make a home with me, Mel. A real home where we live, both physically and with a zest for life. Some days you radiate happiness and other days you’re barely existing. I need you to radiate with me in a place that is warm and welcoming with drawings on the wall and even the occasional crayon scribble the kids leave when they shouldn’t. And yes, I said kids because I want them with you, in our home. We’re a family, Mel. At least, that’s what I hope for every fucking day. I want pictures of us on the walls. Me and you and our love.”
“What if I can’t?”
Then I’ll probably die a lonely, miserable old man.
“Then I will always love you, but I can’t be with you anymore. I can’t live in Noah’s shadow or his shrine. I know he was your past, he was mine too. But I hope to be your future. It’s your call. I’d even be willing to stay here if you can get rid of Noah’s things and turn your old room into something productive. Maybe another nursery or an office for you. You’re lost, Mel. You need to get back to writing. If not, the story you owe SOS about BAD, something else. One of your romances, a tell-all about Eli, whatever … just do something to get those creative juices flowing again. You need to live, Mel. Above anything else, that’s what Noah would want and it’s what I want too.”
“So that’s it? Three days to decide?”
The thought that my world can come crashing down in three short days makes me sick. I’m determined to enjoy each and every second with Nate in case she decides to leave.
“Yes, and I guess you could technically say three and a half. Nate, Darren, and I are staying at J’s tonight. It’s closer to the mountains and keeps him from having to come all the way out here. It’s why I asked you to pack him up earlier.”
“You’re taking him tonight?” She jumps up, looking around the room frantically. They’ve never been apart that long. Even when she couldn’t touch him, they were always under the same roof. I understand her fear.
“He’ll be fine, I promise. You need this time … correction, we need this time. Come say bye to him. My mom dropped him off when I got here and she took Cadence to Veronica’s for Darren.”
She follows behind me and flashes Nate a smile when she sees him playing excitedly with his suitcase. It’s his smile, the one nobody else gets except for him. The one I want our other kids to be the recipients of someday in the future.
“Nate, give Mommy a hug. We’re going to spend the night with Uncle J.”
He returns her smile with one that matches Noah’s. It’s one of my favorite things about him. “Mommy, I going fishing.”
When Mel hugs Nate, she starts to cry, and I hate myself for hurting her. “I know you are, baby. You’re going to catch all the fish in the lake, I just know it. I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too. I love you,” Nate says before running back to his suitcase. His excitement trumps Mommy’s hugs, and a swell of pride goes through me. I get to take my nephew on his very first camping trip, and he’s happy to be going.
When she looks at up me, her eyes burn with anger. “Keep Fat Bastard away from my kid.”
“He’s my kid too, Mel. I’d never let anything hurt him.” I try not to let her words hurt me, I know she’s lashing out, but I’d die before anything could hurt Nate.
“See you when we get back, Mel. I’m going to take Nate to the car so you guys can talk.” Darren gives her a quick hug and darts out the door.
“Well, I guess I’ll see you later.” She turns toward our room, and it takes all my self-control not to pull her into my arms and beg her to see this my way.
“Mel, please get past your anger and understand where I’m coming from with this. I want to make a home with you. But I need all of you in order to do it. I won’t settle for less, and you shouldn’t either.”
She doesn’t say anything to me and closes the bedroom door behind her. Before leaving, I check in with Mac and let him know Mel is the only one home. He’s going to meet us at the cabin this weekend, but Ryan is going to stay behind to keep an eye on things.
Knowing my mood, Darren is already in the driver's seat of my SUV, and Nate is in his car seat happily playing with cars. As we pull out of the drive, I send her a link to “Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough” by Patty Smyth and Don Henley. I’m hoping she’ll send something back to prove she’s going to fight for us. It takes a few minutes, but she doesn’t disappoint.
“Are you okay?” Darren asks, keeping his eyes on the road.
“Fuck no. Everything inside me is screaming to go back and apologize. What if she does something drastic? What if she sleeps in the cemetery again or takes too many pills or packs up and moves out while we’re gone? Dammit, what if she starts writing that book she still feels guilty about not doing? She can’t deal with all of that shit alone. We should go back.”
Now I’m just scaring myself. Darren pulls into the gas station. “You pump. I’m going to text her and feel her out.”
That sounds like a good plan. When I get back in the car, I look at him expectantly, and he smiles. “She’s fine, and you were right. She said she’s going to write.”
“Do you think we should go back?”
He puts the car in gear and drives off after I put on my seatbelt. “Nah, I think she’s going to be just fine. You had me worried, but she eased those fears. I think she needed this push, and if you’re still worried tomorrow, we can always send the girls or your mom to check on her. Veronica would drop everything in a heartbeat to make sure she’s okay. More importantly, I think you need time to regroup and reset your mind.”
“Why?” I’m defensive, but damn, it feels like he’s on her side.
“Daddy Sawyer, I love you,” Nate sing-songs from the back seat, and my heart melts.
“I love you too, Nate.” I turn back to look at him, and he’s barely keeping his eyes open, but he’s wearing a smile.
“That’s why right there. He’s your son, Sawyer, and Mel will be your wife one day when you’re both ready. I understand your insecurities, I’ve known you long enough to be fully versed in all the fucked-up shit that makes up Sawyer Weston. Want to know what else I know?”
“Not really,” I mutter.
Darren chuckles. “Too fucking bad because you need to hear it. Noah would have switched places with you in a heartbeat. He knew your issues with being second and it bothered him. You guys were like two minutes apart, get over it. You’ve got way too much shit wrapped up in your head. If Noah was your younger brother, you’d still be pissed he had Mel. If you guys liked the same girls and weren’t twins, it would still bug you. It’s less about being second-best and more about your competitive nature.”
Darren pauses and takes a breath, and I know the real shit is yet to come. “Here’s the thing, man, and I don’t mean this to be as shitty as it’s going to sound. You won, Sawyer. You’ve got it all because you’re still here. Noah doesn’t have the opportunity to be first at anything anymore, and it fucking sucks. It’s time to let it go. Mel might have some things to think about and some decisions to make, but you’re not innocent in this either. You’re projecting all your insecurities onto her, and it’s not fair. If you can’t get over your shit, why should she?”
We drive in silence while I mull over his words.
“I know I have my issues and there are things I need to get past. Regardless of my issues, she still has to choose to live in the here and now with me, Darren. As long as she continues living in the past and spending all her free time in Noah’s closet, I’m going to keep feeling like her second choice. I am her second choice, and I’m okay with it, or I wouldn’t love her so fucking much. But being second and feeling it are two separate things. Is it so wrong to want her to turn to me instead of Noah when something is bothering her? Isn’t that what couples do? Lean on each other? For once I want to feel like her priority, not her afterthought.”
Darren turns into J’s driveway and shuts off the car. “You guys are the most fucked-up, in-love couple I think I’ve ever seen. Both of you have valid feelings. I only hope this weekend brings you two some much-needed clarity and you can work things out. If not for each other for that little guy in the back seat who equally adores both of you.”
“Uncle Jordan!” Nate squeals excitedly from the back seat, breaking the somber mood between Darren and me. The second I get him out of his car seat, he darts for Jordan. I lean back against the hood of the car and watch the two of them for a minute.
Jordan has always been good with kids. Saylor and Emme have sleepovers with him and Fat Bastard all the time. It’s convenient since he lives close to Rob and Diane. Even so, there’s something about Nate that brings out that parental side of J even more. Maybe it’s because he’s Noah’s and we’re all protective of him, or maybe it’s because he’s the first boy. Whatever it may be, their bond is special.
When J puts Nate down, Darren and I move toward the door. “Daddy Sawyer, look! A kitty cat!”
Oh hell. I step up my speed and scoop Nate into my arms before he reaches Fat Bastard. Wouldn’t you know it, this ornery fucking cat is practically purring at my feet. I’ve never heard him meow so much.
With a raised brow, I look to Jordan who shrugs, “Don’t ask me. Kids and women are his thing. He’s like this with Saylor and Emme too. You can put him down, Sawyer. I promise he’ll be okay.”
I’m hesitant, but with a quick kiss to Nate’s head and an even quicker prayer that Mel won’t be killing me anytime soon, I put him down. Fat Bastard immediately rubs up against Nate, circling him. Nate laughs and laughs as he pets the cat.
“Gentle, Nate,” I remind him like I do at the zoo.
“Gentle, kitty. Gentle, gentle,” Nate repeats, and when we walk inside the house, Nate climbs up on the couch, and the cat jumps in his lap while Nate pets him. The first thing I do is snap a photo for Mel; she’ll never believe it if she doesn’t see it.
We turn on one of Nate’s favorite movies, and Darren and I fill Jordan in on all of the past week’s events over a few beers.
“What are you going to do, Sawyer?”
“Nothing to do except wait and see what happens.”
Jordan nails me with a knowing gaze. “Where are those rings you had made? You get those back yet?”
I’m not going to lie to them even if I don’t want to come clean. “Yeah, they’re in my bag. I got them a couple of weeks ago.”
“What the fuck? You didn’t say anything. Why?” Darren’s angry, and I can’t blame him.
“I got them the day before the wedding. It was a fucked-up time. After the wedding, I wasn’t sure about anything. I brought them with me because I didn’t want to risk Mel or Mom finding them while we’re gone. That’s the last thing I need.”
“Let’s see them,” J urges.
“Yeah, I want to see these rings you helped design. Make sure if you man up and give them to Mel one day, they’re worthy of her.”
“Fuck you.” After retrieving the rings, I pass each of them a box. One with my ring and one with hers.
“Whoa, these are incredible. I’m not sure anything has ever screamed rock star princess more than this. I’m impressed,” Darren concedes as he and J switch boxes.
“You did good, Sawyer,” J agrees as he passes the box back to me.
“Do you think she’ll like them? If we ever get that far?”
“She’s going to love them, but she’d love a fucking mood ring if that’s what you wanted her to wear.”
Jordan laughs. “Don’t give him any ideas. Remember that time he got that girl a mood ring in junior high because he wanted to see if she was horny for him?
“Oh shit! I forgot all about that.”
“Haha. Laugh it up, you two. That girl was in high school and the ring led the path to her bedroom where I lost my virginity. Maybe you guys should have taken notes from the master.”
“Take notes, he says.” J passes us a couple more beers. “I bet you don’t even remember her name.”
“You’re wrong, J, her name was Amy Madigan. A few years after we were signed, she came to one of our shows and slipped me a note during a meet and greet.”
Darren leans forward in his seat. “I remember that. She was hot.”
J arches a brow. “What did the note say?”
“Basically, she wanted me to return the favor and teach her a few things.”
J rolls his eyes. “I don’t even need to ask.”
“We had fun that night,” Darren replies, letting J in on our secret.
J’s eyes lock on mine, and I shrug. “Don’t act like you and Tyler haven’t shared.”
J looks at me and shakes his head. “We haven’t, actually. I’ve had threesomes but never with Ty or Allie.”
I’d like to say I’m surprised, but I’m not. Jordan likes to fuck, but when he has feelings for someone, he’s as faithful as they come.
A couple of hours later, Nate and I are curled up in J’s guestroom bed. Darren offered to take the couch. It’s taking all my self-control not to call and check on Mel. Instead, I finally send her the picture of Nate and his new BFF, Fat Bastard, and of course, another song that reminds me of us.