Home is Where the Heart Is
After waking up later than I wanted to, I grab a cup of coffee and email Mel all the things I should have said to her before. Maybe it’s easier now that I’ve read the second part of her story and understand more about her feelings. Or maybe it’s because I’ve made up my mind and I’m ready to show her how serious I am about the two of us. Whatever the case may be, I open my heart in my message.
Hey Princess,
Wow. You’ve literally left me breathless. Your writing has always been good, that’s why we hired you after all, but this … it’s intense. While reading your pages, I realized a lot of things, the biggest of all being, I owe you an apology. I thought by giving you an ultimatum it would make you realize all the things I already know. What I’ve realized, instead, is we all go at our own pace and I’m a world-class asshole for making you try to move faster than what you’re ready for. You didn’t fall out of love, it was ripped away from you, and I know that better than anyone. I’m sorry for putting my dreams ahead of your fears. That’s not to say I don’t still wish you could make a decision because I do–and I think it’s what is best for us–but I’d never leave you for not being ready. Love isn’t about being on the same page, it’s about compromise and understanding. I’m sorry you’re going through this alone and that I pushed you into it. If you can’t do this now, if you’re not ready, then stop. We’ll talk when I get home, but my love isn’t going anywhere and neither am I. I promise. Sometimes, I forget this isn’t just about us falling in love and the consequences of that, it’s also about you being okay with loving someone else. Especially when that person is me.
After I send the message, I find out the guys have packed up most of our stuff. Darren notices me looking around and comes to sit with me.
“I got your text this morning that you’d be up late because you were reading Mel’s pages. We thought we’d get things ready in case they open the roads. It looks promising for later this afternoon. The sun is out, and the snow is starting to melt. How was the rest of her story?”
“It’s not over, and I would like to get back as soon as possible. She’s writing about the crash today and everything since. This could make or break us, Darren.”
“Nothing is going to break you two,” he says as my phone chimes with her incoming reply.
Hey yourself,
Sawyer, please don’t doubt my love for you. My hesitation has less to do with you and more to do with my own fears and insecurities. But I don’t need to explain them to you; you know them better than anyone and recognize them before I do. Your words mean the world to me, but so do your actions. You’ve been a great friend, a wonderful partner, and the best father figure to Nate. No one, other than Noah, could love him as much as you do. It’s time for me to catch up to life. To know if I can truly give myself to you as freely as I gave myself to Noah. I want that more than anything, which is why I’m trying to claw my way through the last of the darkness so I can live in the light with you. Don’t worry about me either. I’m not alone. Karen, Anna, and Rory are here. Yes, even Rory. It’s time to bridge this gap between all of us. Sawyer, I’m a mess, but thank you for loving me in spite of it all. I want you to read this as I go, so I’m attaching what I have so far of the last part of the book. This part hurts most of all so you might want a drink. I have a feeling the next bits will be better, though. Have faith in me just a little bit longer—I hope it will be worth it.
My heart feels a thousand pounds lighter after reading her email. We’re going to be okay. If only I can get home today, we’ll be engaged before the end of the night. At least, that’s my hope.
“I’m guessing by that grin on your face, everything is good?”
I look across the table at Darren and nod. “Yeah, everything is going to be okay.”
“Told ya,” he says while Nate runs in squealing.
“Daddy Sawyer! Uncle Eli’s a monster.” As Eli rounds the corner, Nate launches into my arms laughing like crazy.
“Uh-oh, are we going to have to tell Mommy that Uncle Eli is a monster?”
Nate’s expression grows solemn as he nods. “We save Mommy from the monster.”
Eli bends down, scoops Nate out of my arms, and covers him with kisses and raspberries on his belly. “I’m not a monster! You’re the monster!”
“No, I not, you are!” Nate squeals as Eli runs around with him. The whole scene makes me miss Noah something fierce.
“Can you guys keep an eye on him? I’m going to read the rest of these pages and catch up until she either sends me more or we get the okay to head home.”
“We’ve got him, Sawyer, go do your thing,” Eli says as he pretends to be an airplane and flies Nate out of the room.
I’m about three-quarters of the way through Mel’s new pages when Wyatt comes to my room. “Let’s go get your girl. The roads are clear.”
I’ve barely closed my computer, and everyone is already locking up the house and loading up the cars. I shoot Mel a quick text with “On the Road Again” by Willie Nelson and toss Darren the keys to my truck.
Reading about the accident is fucking with my emotions, and I can’t read while I drive anyway.
The plan is for Warren and Sam to head to the store for strings of white lights and extension cords and start hanging them up. Everyone else is coming back to the house with me before heading over to help them. That will allow Wyatt to drop off Jake with Anna too.
Once I finish reading and close my laptop, Darren flips on the radio. I quickly send Mel the link for “1000 Times” by Sara Bareilles, hoping she’ll understand I finished the pages she sent me. Almost immediately, she replies. I didn’t want to pull her away from her writing, but if she’s paying attention to her phone, she must be expecting to hear from me. When I open the link, it’s “Your Arms Feel Like Home” by 3 Doors Down. I’m so anxious to get home, I can barely stand it. I hate that I left her and put her through this, but there is this huge part of me that is beyond excited to know where our road is going to lead us after tonight. I’m also scared, apprehensive and freaked out. Never in a million years did I think I’d propose to her this soon, but Eli was right. There is never going to be a perfect time, and if I continue to let moments pass us by, I’m just wasting time we can never reclaim.
Darren’s inner drummer makes his appearance as he pounds a beat on the steering wheel. “This is what we should have been singing on the way up.” He turns up the radio, and I start singing along with “Only You” by Parson James.
Upbeat music is exactly what I should have been playing, not the sad, depressing stuff I got lost in, the same stuff Mel loses herself in so easily. Maybe I should start doing some songwriting, make it a new goal to put some happier words back into the world.
As we get closer to home, Darren has me shoot Veronica a text to let her know we’re almost there. She’s going to drop Cadence at the house for us.
“Relax, Sawyer, we’re going to be there in less than five minutes,” Wyatt reassures me from the back seat. I keep shifting around in my seat, but I can’t help it. I’ll feel better when I see her.
When we finally pull up in the driveway, she’s standing in the doorway talking to Veronica, and I can finally exhale. We’re here, and she’s here, and soon enough I’m going to try to put a ring on her finger.
Jordan pulls in right behind us, and after I get out of the car, I get Nate out of his seat. We’re standing off to the side of the car talking last-minute details to Eli and J when Nate sets his eyes on Mel. He points and squirms until I finally put him down and he runs straight for her arms.
I close the distance between us as they talk. Mel’s eyes are alight with excitement, her love for Nate shining through. His attention is fleeting though.
“Go ahead, get Cadence, I know you probably missed her more than me,” she says with a smile as Nate runs to his best friend.
“It’s okay, Princess, I missed you enough for both of us.”
She stands, and the instant her eyes meet mine, I pull her into my embrace. Her body melds to mine, and I finally feel at ease, at home, and it doesn’t matter what happens with the house anymore. Wherever Amelia Weston is, that’s where I want to be.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Mel. I should have never done that to you.”
Through tear-filled eyes, she looks up at me. “It’s okay. In a way, I’m glad you did. You’re right, Sawyer. You’ve all been right. I’m not living, not the way I should be. I’m still not done, but I’m going to finish and I’m going to give you an answer. One you deserve, I hope.”
My mouth captures hers in an eager kiss. The clearing of a throat interrupts us, and I pull back. There are too many people in this house right now to do all the dirty things I’d like to do to her.
“Eh-hem.”
“Back off, Watts, she’s mine now.”
“You wound me, Weston. Now get the fuck out of my way and let me greet my best friend properly. I haven’t seen her in months.”
As soon as I let her go, Eli swoops her into his arms. “Hey, baby girl, I’ve missed you.”
“I missed you too, Eli,” she murmurs against his chest.
“Sorry, I just needed to squeeze you. I hear you’ve been doing some novel-worthy writing this weekend.”
“Is that so?”
“Yup, your future husband, baby daddy, partner for life, or whatever the fuck you guys are going for told me it’s some damn good reading. Then he also said I couldn’t read it because it was for his eyes only.”
Eli bumps my shoulder, and Mel rolls her eyes at us. “The two of you are ridiculous sometimes. You can read it whenever you want, Eli. You already know all my drama. You should go say hi to Rory, she’s reading it now.”
His tone changes when she mentions Rory, and I know there’s still some underlying tension and perhaps a bit of sexual frustration too. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but I will in time.
“Yeah, maybe I’ll just go home and catch up with her another time. Give me a call when you make your decision, baby girl. Your heart will never lead you wrong.” After a kiss to her cheek, Eli ducks out and takes off so they can go meet up with Warren and Sam at the house.
“Well, on the plus side, you know he’s got our back.” I move closer to her as she watches him walk away.
“Rory asked earlier why no one ever told her you and I kissed first. I think she’s struggling reading this just as much as I struggled to write it.”
Right now, I only want to hug Mel. As I pull her close, she sighs contentedly. “I’ll deal with her later, but you’re my main concern right now. Want to go in the bedroom with me and write while I catch up on what you’ve written?”
“That would be really nice,” she says, hugging me tighter.
“I missed you, Mel, and I can’t apologize enough for what I put you through.”
“I missed you too.”
The more her book progresses, the happier I become. My pride for her is at an all-time high. This wasn’t an easy journey for her to take and she not only did it alone but in the matter of a few short days.
As I’ve been reading, I kept thinking back to when we argued before I left and she wanted me to understand I’ve never been in second place with her. I’m not sure there is anything she could have said to ever get me to believe that. I’ve had these issues since I was a kid, and maybe Darren is right—it’s more about competition than being second-best. Regardless, within the pages of her story, I’ve come to understand how she feels about me and how she felt about Noah.
The way her love flows through her words is astonishing. I believe her now, and I know nothing about the two of us was ever easy for her. We were complicated from the beginning, and we’re even more complicated now, but our love is as pure as two people can find. We both have insecurities and doubts, but we’ll continue to overcome them together. I don’t even care about all the other details anymore, the things that bothered me so much before we left. We can live with Noah’s room the way it is because I understand her conflict now, and I’m angry at myself for not being more sympathetic to her feelings sooner.
“What do you think about the book so far? Are you learning anything you didn’t already know? Does it make you feel any different about everything, or anything?”
“Put our computers on the floor for a second.” She puts hers down, and I pass her mine. “Come here.” I lie back on the bed and pull her into my arms. It’s been weeks since I’ve held her like this. I don’t ever want to have her out of my reach that long again. Her hair blocks her eye, and I want to see all of her. As I brush it aside, I kiss her softly.
“I’m not sure I can express everything I’ve felt while reading this book. You brought back some of the best times of my life and some of the worst. This story is real and it’s us. It’s everything, Mel, and then some.”
She exhales a sigh of relief, and I kiss her again.
“You know how you doubted my love for you was real until Wyatt told you his story?”
“I wouldn’t say doubted,” she hedges carefully. “More worried it was a subliminal love.”
If anyone had asked before Veronica’s wedding, I would have said I was an open book to Mel. In the past few days since I blew up at her, I’ve realized that isn’t true. But I want it to be, and I’m going to start now.
“Uh huh. Anyway, I guess there’s always been this part of me that has kind of wondered the same thing. Was I just a substitution for Noah, someone you fell for because I helped you and maybe it was more of a … I don’t know … owed … kind of love? Do you know what I mean?”
“Yes, I understand what you mean, but you could have asked me.”
With a sigh, I brush my lips against hers again. “I was terrified of your answer. Through your words, I understand your love is as real as mine. Reading your emotions from our first kiss, and all of our interactions, proved that to me without a doubt.”
“What about the Noah scenes?” she asks nervously.
Those were difficult to read, and I felt a little shady as I skimmed over them, but I had to read them because I had to know Noah was loved as deeply and completely by her as I am. Amelia loves both of us with her whole heart, but there are subtle differences in our love. Neither one of us was loved better or worse; we just seem to bring out different parts of her heart and soul. Realizing that made everything click into place for me. We’re twins, after all. It makes sense I got traits he didn’t and vice versa. Understanding that gives me clarity in regard to loving the same women. It’s as if Noah and I created a whole, and that’s why we appealed and attracted the same women so often. Both of us were great alone, but where he was the romantic, I’ve got more of a sexual dark side, and where he was always loving and generous, I’ve always been protective and kept my defenses up.
Hopefully, I can explain this to her in a way that proves I understand and accept all of it.
“Amelia, I’m so happy my brother had someone who loved him as much as you did. His life was cut short, but he experienced it all because of you. What I understand now, that I’m not sure I could have ever understood before this book, is we did have a spark but it wasn’t our time. The timing was yours and Noah’s and you lived it to the fullest. But Mel, the story is ours. Mine and yours, do you see that? From the first kiss in my bathroom, until whenever fate decides it’s over, this is our story.”
Tears stream down her cheeks, but her eyes are lit up with love.
For me.
“So you understand now that you never were and never could be second-best?” The desperation in her tone is unmistakable. She needs me to give her closure on this part so we can move forward.
“I do, Princess, I totally fucking do.”
“Can you also understand that it’s going to be natural for both of us to have days where something reminds us of Noah, and those days will be harder than others, but it doesn’t diminish our love? I need this most of all, Sawyer. I need to know you have my back even if my mind is temporarily lost.”
I tighten my grip around her and rub her back in gentle circles. She’s not the only one who will get lost in memories of Noah. If we’re lucky, maybe we can get lost in them together.
“As long as you understand I’m here with you and can help you through it. No pulling away, no hiding out in Noah’s closet, no listening to your death playlist. In fact, I think your next order of business after the closet should be replacing that fucking playlist with something happier. Or something sexier we can listen to while we fuck our blues away.”
“I like that idea, and I have a surprise for you but I want to write the last chapter before I show you. Then, while everyone else is catching up, maybe I can relax for a bit.”
This is my chance, and I flash her my sexy smile. “Actually, I was hoping you’d let me take you somewhere while they are all reading. I have something to talk to you about. Something I realized was long overdue when we were up at the cabin.”
She hops up and pops a kiss on my lips before reaching down to get our computers. “It’s a date, Weston. One more chapter and I’m all yours.”
Before Mel gives her last chapter to me, she takes me to Noah’s room. To say I’m surprised is an understatement. I glance around the barren room filled with boxes. She did all of this for us. Now more than ever I’m glad the guys are over at the house setting things up. I’m not sure she would have believed me that I had it planned even if I’d only waited another day.
Part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Everything at the present moment seems too good to be true. Then again, Mel and I have fought like hell to get here, and if anyone deserves for things to go smoothly, it’s us.
“Why?” I finally manage to ask as I look around the room.
“Because I’m head-over-heels in love with you, Sawyer Weston, and because it was time.” That was not the answer I was expecting, but it’s one I’m grateful to hear.
“What are you doing with it all?”
She steps closer to me. “Well, that was my biggest struggle of all. I know his things could benefit a lot of people and make decent money for the foundation, but I think the person who should decide what happens to them is Nate. When he’s old enough, he can go through all of it and decide what to keep and what to get rid of. I packed the office too. We just need to move all the boxes to storage with the rest of my parents’ things.”
That seems like a lot to put on a kid, but it’s the perfect solution. Nate was only a few hours old when he lost Noah; it makes sense she’d want to give him a chance to have Noah’s things. It will make Rory happy, and I can’t help but wonder if Mel thought of that as well.
“I can’t believe you did this all by yourself. What about these?” I motion to the desk where she has stacks and stacks of framed photos and photo albums.
“Yeah, that’s the hardest part, so I thought we could figure it out together. No matter how much you wish you were first, I can’t erase Noah from my past, and I don’t want to. And I think Nate should grow up in a house where there is a representation of the love between his parents as well. I can take everything out of the frames and put them in photo albums if hanging any of them on the wall will hurt you.” She turns to me and caresses my cheek. “Believe me when I say, hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do.”
My fingers dance across one of their wedding photos. I’d never deny a photo of Noah in my home. It doesn’t matter if they were together, he’ll always be my brother and I’ll always want his presence around me. They’re two of my favorite people, and even when I was envious, I was also in complete awe of their romance. Besides, even if he wasn’t my brother, a child’s parents should always have pride of place in the home where they grow up. Divorced or widowed, children should never question they came from love.
“Will there be photos of the two of us on said walls?”
She wraps her arms around me and pulls me close. I’ll never get tired of this feeling. “There will be an overabundance of photos of us. I want our love to shine everywhere it possibly can. Two years in the dark is a long time, Sawyer. You’ve led me into the light and I’d like to stay here with you, if that’s okay.”
She couldn’t have said anything more perfect if she tried. As I pull her mouth to mine, she immediately opens for me. It dawns on me we’re kissing in Noah’s room, and although she’s not pushing me away, I pull back, trying to respect the promise I made to her long ago.
“Does that mean you want to stay here at the beach?”
“For now, while we renovate our new home. I was thinking we could let Darren and Cadence stay here indefinitely. His house haunts him because of Belle and this house will still be ours, we have a lot of happy memories here. Besides, I don’t want to erase my memories of Noah and there are great memories here. But you’re right, it’s time to make our own memories, in our own home, with our own family.”
My mind works hard to wrap around everything she just said. She wants to make a home with me. It takes all my self-control not to pull her to my car this instant and ask her to be my wife. I no longer a doubt she’s ready for the next step, and I’m ready to see what the rest of our lives will bring.
“I love you, Amelia Weston.”
“I love you too, now go read that last chapter so you can take me where you wanted to.”