The After
There isn’t a part of my body, heart, or soul that isn’t in unimaginable pain. It’s only been four days since the accident. Four days since I made promises to Noah I have no idea how to keep. Four days since my brother begged for my help.
I’ve relived every choice we made, every step we took, and considered all the alternate decisions we could have made. We could have sent the girls to Darren’s bus; we should have. The lead bus is always in the most dangerous position. But the highways are open, and an accident could have happened anywhere down the line, yet I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs.
Noah is gone, Belle is gone, Harold is gone. All their kids are now missing a parent, and the youngest one has been tucked into the crook of my arm for days. His breathing has synced with mine, and I already know his cry, the way his chest shudders before he cries, the way his gorgeous eyes peer into mine as if I have answers for him about his parents. But I don’t—I don’t have any answers at all. The only thing I can do for Nate right now is love him enough for all of us.
When I haven’t been crying in a corner, I’ve been trying to do what Noah would in this situation. Because the hospital is under siege from all forms of media, the staff can’t get in or out easily. I feel responsible, and since cafeteria food is shit, I’ve been having their meals catered in—it’s the least we can do. Eli and Sam have helped arrange food trucks for the fans outside, but we’re footing the bill for them too.
Mel and I have had a few moments of shared grief, and her pain spears through mine, intensifying it. I hurt for all of us, but Princess has lost so much in such a short time. She’s terrified to hold her son, and I can’t make her. Deep inside, maybe I don’t want to because the longer she holds off, the longer I get to hold on to the last piece of Noah I have left. Once she recovers from this, she’ll take him away, go somewhere to get a fresh start, and I will do whatever it takes to make her realize she’s as much a part of our family as Nate is. Now and always. Even one day, when she finds someone new, we’ll make him part of our family too—anything not to lose more of our tribe.
I’m not sure I’ve even slept, or if any of us have. We’re walking zombies. As I follow Mac up the steps to the private jet with Nate’s car seat in my arms, all the weariness hits me like a freight train. I snap him in between my parents and join Mel in the back of the plane. She hates flying, and as the plane begins to take off down the runway, she clutches the armrest to the point it must be painful.
Gently, I peel her fingers away and lace them in mine before leaning back in my seat and closing my eyes. I promised Noah I’d take care of them, and I will. This is only the beginning.
Later that evening, I was able to sit down long enough to order Mel a new computer and phone. I also put in a few calls to find out about getting her a replacement wedding album. Watching her break down over their photos was heartbreaking, and I know Noah would have moved heaven and earth to make things right for her.
Over the next few days, the house was filled with a constant flow of people. Trying to get in and out of the house was a logistical nightmare. Everyone wanted a statement, exclusive footage, whatever they could get. I saw my house on T.V. enough that I seriously considered contacting a realtor. That was a joke though; I’d never sell this house, it’s where all my memories of Noah are.
Today is Noah and Belle’s funeral. As much as it pained me, I couldn’t go to Harold’s funeral. Not wanting to draw more unnecessary media attention to them was the deciding factor. Instead, I had a heartfelt talk with Harold’s wife and kids, and Warren and Sam went to the services to represent all of us. Harold’s family doesn’t blame us, but I feel responsible. They’re just as worried for us as we are for them. It’s strange how that works.
In the two weeks since the accident, I feel like I’ve aged thirty years. I’ve already decided everyone needs to go home after the funeral. Darren, Mel, and I have to talk about what comes next and how we’re going to move forward and we can’t do it with a house full of people.
I walk across the hall to Mel’s room. She’s barely been responsive. It kills me to see her all battered and bruised, but it hurts more knowing how broken she is on the inside and there’s nothing I can do to help.
She’s still sleeping on the same sheets they slept on last time they were here. She’s still got Noah’s dirty shirt on her bed that she curls up with each night and sniffs wistfully. I’d give anything to bring him back for her and Nate, but we’ve got to figure out a way to say goodbye.
“Ready, Mel?”
She stares out the window at the rain falling into the ocean before turning toward me. Veronica did a good job helping her get ready. Everything is a struggle for her right now with all her injuries and her cast. As much as I hate to see her in pain, I’m thankful she’s still with us when we could have easily lost her and Nate too.
“I’ll never be ready for this.”
“Yeah, I know the feeling. Look, I wanted you to know all the non-essentials are going home tonight. It’s time we have some space and figure out what to do with Nate or how it’s going to work when everyone isn’t around. He needs some kind of normal, Mel. It’s time.” Maybe this isn’t the right time to tell her this, but I want to prepare her and help her. I know my family overwhelms her on a good day.
“Whatever you think is best, Sawyer. This is your home.”
Why is she still stuck on this? I need her to feel comfortable here; she can’t take Nate away from us too.
“Don’t do that. This is our home. What was Noah’s is now yours, of that I’m sure. I … Fuck, this is hard. I need you here, Mel, okay? If you guys aren’t here, I can’t be either. Not alone without Noah. I meant it when I said we’re in this together for as long as it takes.”
“Yeah, okay.”
I take her hand and help her out to the limo. Each step is a process for her, but I’ll go as slow as she needs. Nothing will start without us anyway. Once inside, she closes her eyes and doesn’t open them again until we reach the church.
We’re the last to arrive, and we enter through the back door. Security leads us inside, and the church ushers lead us to the first two rows. My focus is on Mel, but it’s hard not to be distracted by Noah and Belle’s caskets side by side and their happy faces looking out from the photos perched next to the closed caskets.
Mel is out of my arms in an instant, sobbing as she moves toward her husband and best friend. Her steps are gradual but determined. I move off to the side, and Anna catches my eye and inclines her head in Mel’s direction.
Mel leans over Belle’s casket and kisses it. Sniffles and sobs scatter throughout the room. She whispers something and turns to Noah’s casket. Lying over it with the top half of her body, she becomes silent. I move closer and hover a few feet behind her.
When she puts her ear to the casket, I know we’re in trouble. Whatever was left of my heart shatters, but I must be strong for her. I will not break my promise to Noah. Not today.
“Princess, let me take you back to your seat.”
“No, Sawyer. I’m trying to listen. I can’t hear it, but if I listen really hard I might be able to.”
Oh God…
“What are you listening for?”
“His heartbeat, Sawyer. Why can’t I hear it anymore?”
My mom’s cries are the loudest, but the others are beginning to follow in rapid succession.
Please, Princess, don’t lose your mind in front of all these people.
In an instant, I scoop her into my arms and carry her from the chapel to the visitors’ room. Tears stream down my cheeks, and my arms are shaking. I’m scared. She won’t stop asking me why she can’t hear him, and I wonder if she’s lost her grip on reality. Maybe by talking to her, I can bring her back to us. I have to try. After setting her on the couch, I drop to my knees in front of her, suit be damned. When I take her hand in mine, she looks me in the eye.
“Why, Sawyer?”
“I don’t know, Mel, but he’s gone, and he’s never coming back.”
Saying those words to her makes it all suddenly sink in. My head falls into her lap, and my tears begin to fall. Surprisingly, she lays herself over me and cries with me. Together, we’re a wrecking ball of grief and pain, but crying in her arms somehow makes me feel less alone in all of this.
There’s a knock at the door, and I hear Mac's voice before I turn to look at him. “They’re starting. Do you two want to come back out or …” Mac looks to me for guidance, but I leave the choice up to her.
“What do you want to do, Mel?”
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?”
Well, so much for that.
“I’m not sure I want to go back out there, but I’m pretty sure Noah would do it for me. I can’t go alone, Mel, so I’ll stay here with you if you’re not okay.”
“I’m not okay, I’ll likely never be okay again.” She turns her head to the window and watches as the rain picks up in intensity and turns into a storm outside.
“Does she need a doctor?” Mac asks, and my eyes widen with fear. I need her to snap out of this.
“No, I don’t. I’ll try not to let my crazy show anymore today. You’re right. Noah would do it for you and he’d do it for me too. So we’ll do this for him.”
“You’re not crazy, Princess, you’re just left behind. I understand.” Once I stand, I help her to her feet.
Mac ushers us back to our seats while everyone stares at us. They can all go fuck themselves. Haven’t they ever seen anyone grieving before?
The service passes in a blur, and at the graveside, Mel refuses to leave the car. I’m okay with it because I’m worried she might try to jump in after the casket.
Eli catches my eye and inclines his head toward the limo, and I nod. For a few minutes, I can focus on my family knowing Mel’s in good hands. After the service, Mel stays wrapped in Eli’s arms all the way home. Eli releases her and exits the car, but she still doesn’t move.
Our eyes meet, and we’re both lost. She’s fragile, and I’m scared. We’re quite the pair. Since the two go-to experts on Mel are no longer here to talk to about what she’s dealing with, I have to help her based on instinct alone.
Reaching over, I squeeze her hand. “You ready for this?”
“Making small talk with people about my tragic loss and how happy I should be that our children survived? Yup. I’ve never been more ready for something in my life.”
For the first time since before the accident, we both laugh. Soon, our laughter turns to tears because it wasn’t a happy laugh in the first place. Just more of the deflective sarcasm we both seem to excel in.
When I exit the car, there are people filing into the house—celebrities, friends, family—and I’ve got to deal with them. Reaching down, I offer her my hand, and we walk into the depths of our continual hell.
Her eyes widen as she takes in the crowd, and she leans closer, whispering in my ear, “I know I’m not supposed to drink with my pills, but if you want me to play nice, someone needs to get me a shot of whiskey.”
It seems like she’s coming back to us slowly, and relief spreads through me. I’ll give her whatever she needs if she’s going to be functional. “I got you covered, Mel. One shot won’t kill you, just wait an hour to take your pills. Deal?”
“Deal.”
After scoping out the room, I find Anna on the couch. Darren has Cadence a few feet away, and Veronica has Nate right next to him. She’ll be shielded and protected there.
It only takes a minute to pour us each a whiskey and Coke.
“Stay here. Anna will protect you from all the vultures. But if you need me …”
“I’ll get you,” Anna states firmly.
The first person I talk to is Eli, and he’s with … Shawn Lucas?
“Thanks for earlier, Eli, and for everything.” Eli has been by Mel’s side consistently since the accident. It’s obvious how much they love each other.
“I’ll always be here for Mel, and if you need anything, just call. Sawyer, I don’t know if you’ve met Shawn Lucas before.”
Shawn holds out his hand. I shake it, confused as to why he’s here but also not really giving a fuck.
“It’s nice to meet you. I’m sorry it had to be under these circumstances. I only had the opportunity to meet Noah once a few years back at a festival. He was a nice guy.”
“Yeah, he was.”
Eli turns to look at Mel and looks back to me. “I know you want everyone out tonight. Shawn was nice enough to come pick me up. I’ve been mentoring him lately, although that makes me feel old as fuck.”
“Oh yeah?” I have to admit I’d rather be talking to Eli than all the crying relatives right now.
“Yeah, man, I’m trying to transition into a more serious musician. Since Eli sort of knows what it’s like, he’s offered to help me out in the studio.”
Now that makes more sense. Shawn is maybe twenty-one, and Eli is thirty.
“That’s cool,” I say distractedly as a girl I recognize heads our way.
“Well, I need to work off some of the past couple of weeks, you know? What better way than music therapy. If you guys need me, call. My phone will be on. And if you want to work on music sometime, get your own therapy on, let me know.”
That’s nice of Eli to say, but we don’t exactly float in the same musical spectrum. Besides, I can’t imagine picking up a guitar again so soon.
“Thanks, Eli. I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Sawyer, oh my God, you poor thing. Give me a hug.” Lola wraps her arms around me.
What the hell is she doing here? I catch Mel watching and push her away. I don’t need Lola’s drama right now.
“Hey, Lola, thanks for coming.”
She drops her hand to my arm and caresses me as if she’s familiar with me, which she definitely is not. “Are you kidding? When I heard about poor Noah, well … I just had to come and pay my respects, you know?”
“Hey, Sawyer, we’re going to get out of here. I’ll check in later.” Eli gives me a hug, but it only displaces Lola for a brief moment.
“Nice to meet you, Sawyer. Maybe next time it will be under less tragic circumstances. I am really sorry about Noah and Belle.” Shawn shoves his hands in his suit pockets.
“Did you know Belle?”
He nods sadly. “Yeah, she was my all-time favorite person who interviewed me. I’m going to miss her a lot. She was supposed to cover my new musical direction for Slammed, but the interview hadn't been scheduled yet. I can't believe I won't ever get to speak to her again." He shakes his head as his expression falls. "She was a shining light in the midst of all the vultures in our world.”
Lola threads her elbow through mine, and I’d like to push her away, but that wouldn’t be nice to do in front of all these people.
“That she was. Thank God we still have Cadence.” My gaze travels to Darren with Cadence on his chest as he rubs her back. She has no clue what’s going on. All she knows is her mom is missing and she’s fussy as hell without Belle.
“For sure. She’s like a tiny version of Belle. Darren must be … man, I don’t even know. Whatever immense relief he has that his baby is safe doesn’t negate the fact he lost his woman.”
After they leave, Darren passes Cadence off to Mel, and I sigh in relief as I excuse myself from Lola and move to the hall to meet up with Darren.
“She took Cadence. That’s a good sign, right?”
Darren’s back is to Mel, but I can see her over his shoulder.
“She was reluctant, to say the least, but yeah. Hopefully, this is a beginning.”
Lola lurks a few feet away from us, and Darren leans forward and whispers, “What is that all about?”
“Fuck if I know. She said she wanted to pay her respects.”
“Her brother is here somewhere; I talked to him earlier. Maybe she’s telling the truth.”
We exchange a knowing glance because we both know better. Darren heads to the restroom, and I see Anna coming my way. Wyatt is sitting with Mel and has Nate in his arms. Her body is stiff as a board as she tries to balance Cadence. She has to loosen up and figure out how to be there for these kids.
Anna and I talk for a few moments before I excuse myself to make the rounds. The sooner I talk to people, the sooner we can get them out of the house.
The one thing I didn’t bank on was all of these two-faced assholes talking shit about Mel. People can choose to buy into rumors and gossip, but they’re not going to do it in my house. In our house.
I text Mac and Ryan to start subtly escorting people to their cars. No one will say anything because they’ll look like the assholes they are for talking shit at a funeral. And even if they did, like I give a single flying fuck about what any of these celebrities think about me.
Lola slips her number into my hand, and I shove it into my pocket before saying goodbye to her and her brother. She seems different, and she made it a point to let me know she’s here for me if I’d like to talk. I should probably throw out her number, but I hold on to it instead … maybe she’s changed.
“Is it true you’re having people thrown out?” Jordan looks like shit. He’s been living on a diet of anti-anxiety pills since the accident. He’s barely been out of his room here. Sasha is running the bar, and I know Allie and Tyler have been blowing up his phone.
“Yup. If the assholes can’t play nice on a day like today, they don’t get to be here.”
He laughs dryly. “Good for you. Noah would be proud as fuck.”
Maybe it’s the alcohol, or maybe it’s the knowledge only family remains, but I actually smile. “He would be, and if he’d have been here, he would have done the same. Fuck, I miss him.”
J wipes a stray tear from his eye. “Me too. I think I’m going to go home tomorrow and try to put my life back in order. All I’m doing here is drowning in Noah’s memories and avoiding my own drama. I think Noah would be proud of me if I went back to running the bar he was so excited to give me.”
“Even though you wouldn’t take it?”
“Yeah, but paying you guys for it is better. I need to feel like I’ve accomplished something in my life.”
“I get it, J. Just remember, Noah wanted you to have that bar because he loves you, not because he wanted to hold it over your head.”
I throw my arm over his shoulder, and we head into the kitchen where the family is gathering so Tony can talk to us.
Once Mac and Ryan verify the house is clear, Tony begins pulling a stack of envelopes from his briefcase.
“Normally, I’d do this in my office, but Noah was specific in his requests of how he wanted things handled.”
Mel stumbles into a chair, and all the color drains from her face. I know Noah was meticulous when it comes to this stuff, but he couldn’t give us five minutes to breathe first?
“In each of these envelopes there is a video from Noah on a USB stick. He made these two days after the wedding. In your own time, when you’re ready, watch your video. He’s left each of you something in his will and there’s a letter inside breaking down your inheritance. When you’re ready, come talk to me and we’ll put things in motion.”
Mel’s crying again and I make my way around the table and put my hand on her shoulder. I’m not sure if it’s for her comfort or mine.
“Why so soon?” she asks on a sob.
Tony shrugs. “It’s what Noah wanted. He didn’t want things to linger and wanted everyone to be able to move on quickly.”
“Excuse me.” She pushes away from me, scrambles up from the table, and runs out into the backyard. We all watch as she loses whatever food she might have in her system over the wall. Tony follows her, handing me all the envelopes except one that has her name on it.
There isn’t a dry eye at the table as I pass them out. But I have one left, with Tony’s name. I’m surprised he didn’t take his, but I guess he followed Noah’s instructions to a T.
“This is just like Noah,” Rory cries as she looks around the table. Everyone is holding their envelopes like a lifeline.
Sam and Warren begin cleaning up, and my mom and sisters follow suit. I try telling them to leave it, but they ignore me. It doesn’t take them too long to finish everything.
After quite a few tearful hugs, everyone slowly starts to leave. Tony comes back inside and accepts his video with sadness before heading home. Anna, Wyatt, and J go to their rooms, and the babies are asleep in Nate’s nursery for now. It’s been a long day, and these envelopes in front of us are looming like three dark clouds between Darren and me. I don’t think either of us are eager to open them.
Darren and I slide a bottle of whiskey between the two of us as we take a couple of intermittent shots. Neither of us can get drunk because we’re on baby duty, but I think we need to knock off the edge.
“That was kind of a shit job Noah left for Tony,” Darren blurts out.
“Funny, I was just thinking that, but there is no one Noah would have trusted more, so it was fitting.”
“True,” he says as the sliding glass door opens and Mel steps inside. I was beginning to worry about her; the sun went down a while ago.
She tosses her unopened envelope next to ours and pours herself a shot and tosses it back. I’m not about to question her about her meds. Sometimes, you just need a fucking drink.
She looks up at us. “Is everyone gone?”
“Yeah. The family is gone. Wyatt, Anna, and J are in their rooms.”
“Hey, since you’re both here, I’d like to talk to you about something,” Darren says. “I know it’s a bad time, and you’re going to have to adjust to a new normal, but I was wondering if you care if me and Cadence stay here indefinitely. If it’s not cool, I get it—”
Like I would let him go home to his big, empty house right now. Our family needs to be together more than ever. I wish Wyatt would stay too, but I know he and Bethie have to get back to San Diego.
“Darren, you are welcome to stay here forever, if need be.”
He turns his gaze to Mel, awaiting her answer.
“Belle was my sister and that makes you my brother. You don’t have to go anywhere, Darren. You and Cadence always have a home wherever me and Nate are. Besides, it will be nice having them grow up together. They can share the nursery.”
He shakes his head. “No, that’s okay. I like having Cadence with me. I’ll just put a crib in my room.”
“Speaking of … Mel, I don’t want this to be uncomfortable for you, but Diane told me what you said about being unlucky. You’re not cursed, Princess.”
“No, you’re not,” Darren adds.
She looks so sad, and I understand, but Nate needs her.
“Thanks, guys, but I’m not sure I’ll ever agree with that.”
“Maybe not, but you’re going to have to get over it. Nate has one parent, Mel. Fucking one. And it’s you. I’ll help you for as long as you need, especially while you’re healing and on medication. But we’re going to have to wean you into Nate’s life a little at a time here. It’s not fair to make him suffer because you’re afraid. You have to get over yourself.” Okay, that maybe came out a bit harsher than I meant it to.
“Get over myself? I’m trying to protect him!” she screams and knocks back another shot. “If I had never agreed to go on tour, if I had never let Belle convince me to go to your show, Noah would be alive! Belle would be alive! And none of us would be feeling this soul-crushing grief!”
Well, if we’re going to play the blame game…
“I know you need to get it out, Mel, but you’re not the only one with regrets. I wish I’d never convinced Noah to do one last tour. If I hadn’t been so selfish and wanted closure, this would have never happened.”
Darren throws himself into the mix. “If I hadn’t been a selfish prick and wanted Belle and Cadence with me every second, they wouldn’t have been there either. This is no one’s fault, except for the asshole who took out your bus.”
Mel softens. “If the three of us have this much bad juju combined, this house is going to slide right off this bluff and into the ocean.”
“At least we’ll all go together. Until then, we’re going to figure this out, okay?” I’m practically pleading with her, but I need her to work with me here.
She sighs. “Okay.”
“Okay,” Darren replies. “We do this together, all of us.”