Videos
Three days after the funeral, I was antsy as fuck about my video, as was Darren. We’d received calls from my parents asking if they could watch our videos. They said they were going to ask everyone, but as Noah’s twin, I was first on the list. They explained they just needed more Noah, however they could get him, and they promised they wouldn’t judge the content.
I wanted to tell them no—that Noah made individual videos for a reason—but they’re our parents and I can’t fault them for needing more of him. I wish I’d had the balls to ask to watch them all too, even though I’m not sure I actually could. I ended up telling them yes, under three conditions. The first being I had to watch it before them in case there was something I needed to hold back. The second being that they never ask Mel for hers. And the third was if they were going to ask people for their videos, they had to make it a point to tell them they wanted to see them only after they’d been watched by the intended party.
The first part they agreed to, the second, my mom pushed back on, but in the end, my dad told her to take her blessings where she could get them because none of these videos were any of their business.
Damn straight.
And the third, my dad agreed to immediately before mom could even try to contest it. At least one of them realizes it’s a big request.
Darren told them they could watch his when he was finished, but they couldn’t have Belle’s because it wasn’t only his to give. They accepted that easier than they did my ultimatum, but they probably figured Mel would have to approve that too. They’d be right.
Darren and I had just gotten the kids down for a nap, and the house was empty other than Mel sleeping in her room.
“I want to watch my video, but I’m scared,” I confessed to him.
“I feel the same way. I keep thinking if I start with the video he made for Belle, I can work my way up to the video he made for me. He didn’t know her long, so I’m hopeful hers might be lighter in nature and a good starting point.”
Damn, I’m envious he has that option. I have to sink or swim on this one.
“That’s a really good idea. You should start there.”
“Do you want to watch it with me? Maybe there’s something on there that can help you with Mel.”
“You wouldn’t mind?”
Darren spins his water bottle on the table. “Hell, I’d be thankful for the company.”
“Do you think Mel would mind?”
He looks at me thoughtfully. “She’s not exactly in the frame of mind to object. Even if she were, I don’t think she’d deny you a chance for more Noah either.”
“J’s off tonight and asked if we wanted help with the kids. I told him we were cool, but I think he wanted time with them. I could call him back.”
“Yeah, call him. I’m going to run to the store and stock up on some alcohol. We’re pretty low since the funeral, and we’re going to need all we can get if we’re going to do this. You don’t think he’ll mind getting up with both kids if we get hammered?” Darren stands and grabs his keys from the counter.
“Nah, he loves kids. It’s falling in love he has an issue with.”
“Less chance of getting hurt that way. Maybe he’s smart.”
I think over his words, and where I used to agree, I’m not sure I do anymore.
“Or maybe he’s missing out on a fleeting moment in time he’ll never get back.”
Darren puts on his sunglasses and tosses a baseball hat on his head. “Fuck, we need more alcohol if we’re going to get that deep. I’ll be back in a bit. Listen for Cadence, yeah?”
“Always.”
“You two are ballsy fucks. That envelope is in the back of my safe, and I’m not sure I’m ever going to be okay enough to watch it.”
J’s been here for a bit and got to play with the kids before we gave them baths and put them down for the night. Cadence sleeps for longer stretches now, so he’ll probably only have to get up with her once. Maybe twice. We’ve got them in Nate’s nursery for the night, and Jordan has the extra monitor set up in the guest room down the hall. Like me, he’s a light sleeper. It’s hard to go through what we did as kids and not be.
“I wouldn’t call us ballsy. We’re starting with Belle’s video in case we can’t handle moving forward.” Darren takes a shot of tequila and chases it with a beer.
I follow his lead. “Has Mom asked for your video yet?”
His mouth drops open. “No. Is she going to?”
“They seem to be making the rounds and asking everyone,” Darren answers as I toss back another shot.
“Fuck me. What about Mel?”
“Sawyer shut them down and told them they could only have his is if they didn’t ask for hers.”
J grabs a Pepsi from the fridge. “You’re going to give them your video?”
With a shrug, I toss back my third and final shot for now. “Depends on what’s on it. I told them I had to watch it first.”
“Good call. I wouldn’t think you’d want to share it no matter what. It’s private.”
I pull a couple more beers from the fridge and sit at the table. “They are, but I’m trying to see this from their point of view. They lost their son, and with all the videos and footage out there of Noah, these videos are the only ones that will give them an insight into Noah’s heart and soul. Maybe I don’t want them knowing whatever business Noah might talk about, but I also know they won’t judge me for whatever it may be either.”
Darren takes a seat next to me. “But do you think Noah would be okay with them watching?”
I shrug. “I think Noah would want them to be happy.”
“Well, they’re not getting mine until I watch it, and then we’ll see. And since I have no plans to watch it, they could be waiting a long time.”
Darren turns to Jordan. “Aside from it being too soon, what else are you waiting for?”
Jordan answers easily, “For him to be gone long enough that the ache of wanting to see him again outweighs the pain of him being gone.”
That is the best idea I’ve heard yet, but I don’t ever foresee a time the pain of losing Noah will subside. Not when a piece of myself died with him.
“Ready?”
“No, not at all, but let’s do it anyway.”
Darren has already hooked his computer up to the T.V. in his room. We’re sufficiently buzzed but not drunk enough to miss the point of what we’re doing. There’s a box of tissues between us. Considering this is for Belle, I’d think he’d need them more, but hearing Noah again? Fuck.
He slides the USB into his computer, and Noah’s smiling face lights up the screen. Each of us reaches for the fucking tissues at the same damn time. It doesn’t matter the video isn’t meant for us—the moment Noah begins talking, we start crying.
“Hey, Belle! You know, I was making videos for everyone, and I realized yours was pretty important. We don’t know each other that well, but I’m hoping by the time you watch this video we’ll be the best of friends.”
“Fuck me,” Darren groans, and Noah continues.
“I had a dream about you last night. Get your head out of the gutter, it wasn’t that kind of dream. Even my subconscious mind knows Mel is the only woman for me.”
He was always a romantic.
“It was such a vivid dream. We were sitting in a field watching two kids splash around in the ocean. It sounds odd. I mean, there are no fields by our ocean, but you can’t argue the logic of a dream. We were holding hands—innocently, I swear—and we were talking about our kids and how fast they were growing up. The strange part is, no one else was around. It was just us in this peaceful place and two toddlers playing in the water. It would have been creepy if there hadn’t been so much serenity surrounding us. Anyway, I don’t know you well enough now to bust out with a random dream about us in casual conversation. Hopefully, by the time you see this video, you’ll get where I was coming from.
“What I want to say most is … thank you. I know when my time comes, you’ll be Amelia’s lifeline and the one who helps her through her sadness. When the time is right, please encourage her to date again. More than anything, Mel deserves to be the center of someone’s world. I’ve never been the kind of person who wants someone mourning my loss. Life is for the living, and if anyone understands that, I have a feeling it’s you.
“This may sound odd, but I don’t even mind if it’s Sawyer. In fact, I’d prefer it. I’ve never been clueless about their feelings for each other, and while I know Mel loves me with her whole heart, I think she loves him too. Who knows? Maybe I’m okay with it because he’s an extension of me, and if I’m gone, it’s almost as if part of me is still with her. What I want most is for Mel to find happiness and for her to know that wherever her heart leads her, I’m happy she’s letting love in again.
“All my life, I waited to fall in love. I wanted the kind of love my parents and grandparents had. That’s why random groupies didn’t appeal to me for long. I was never going to find what I was looking for that way. Then one night a sassy reporter brought along her sarcastic friend to an interview, and my life changed forever.
“Thank you, Belle. Without knowing or trying, you made my life complete in every way. It’s one of the reasons I hope we become lifelong friends. Mel isn’t the only special one; you shine a bright light of your own. It’s why Darren fell for you. He confessed something to me the night we all met. We were walking downstairs to the beach at the time. I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I figure I owe you for introducing me to my wife. Wow … I haven’t said that much yet, but I have to say, being a married man is the best feeling. Knowing this next year of my life is going to be filled with new beginnings for all of us is exciting.
“Geez, sorry, back to you because this is important. Darren grabbed a blanket as we were heading out the door. As we walked downstairs, I said something like, ‘Always ready to fuck,’ because he’s Darren, and you’re not under any illusions about what that means. But then Darren stopped in his tracks and said, ‘Noah, I don’t care if I have sex with Belle. I just want to know her. I want to find out what motivates her to rise out of bed in the morning. I want to know what her dream vacation would be, her stance on love, marriage, politics, religion, and yeah sure, maybe I’d fucking love to know what her pussy feels like wrapped around my cock, but I’m a man and that’s natural. The thing is, I don’t care if I find that out tonight or five years from now. There’s something about her that speaks to my soul, and I’m kind of shook about it, but in a good way.’
“Is your jaw on the ground? Mine was, and even though the pussy line wasn’t exactly romantic, in the scope of Darren it might have just been the most romantic thing he could have said. So, while you’re taking care of Mel, be sure you’re still taking care of my brother because Darren is one of a kind.
“Last but not least, check on Sawyer for me every now and then. I know you guys have become close and you’ve been there for him. He needs you, and he’ll need your blunt honesty more than you could know. Be kind but be truthful. And every so often give him a hug and let him know it was from me.
“Thank you, Belle, for everything. Without even trying, you’ve made my life the best version it could’ve been.”
Darren and I don’t speak for a long while after the video ends, and by the time we do, most of the tissues are gone. Darren finally closes the lid of his computer and speaks up.
“I’m not sure I’m going to watch my video. I think … it’s too soon after that. And I also think Noah bottled a little bit of his magic in each one of these videos. I’m going to wait until I need more of his spirit with me to watch the next one.”
My eyes are closed, and when I dare to open them, they’re shining with fresh tears again. “I don’t think I have that luxury. If Noah told Belle he wants me with Mel, chances are she’s not the only one. I think I … I’m going to have to watch mine so I can know what kind of damage control to do.”
“I completely understand, but Sawyer,” he reaches for my arm, “take it with a grain of salt, okay? Noah giving you permission to be with Mel isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it might be the best gift he’s ever given you. If he didn’t give you his blessing, you might never give yourself a break for loving her.”
“I don’t—”
“Don’t even try. You’ve kept those feelings buried since the wedding, but love doesn’t go away that easily, Sawyer. It might fade into the background as life moves on, but it always remains. Every person who touches our lives in some way, good or bad, will always stay with us. Mel has done more than touch your life; she stole your heart.”
I shake him off. “Her husband, my brother, is barely cold in his grave. Why are you pushing this?”
Darren holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. That’s not at all what I’m trying to do. I just … know how you are, and you need to realize Noah accepted your feelings and maybe, one day, it will be okay for you to do that as well.” He rubs his forehead and exhales loudly. “I feel like I’ve somehow violated Belle’s privacy, and Noah’s, by watching that video.”
“I feel like Noah knew precisely what that dream meant, and he left this video for us to see.”
His eyes light up and lock on mine. “You think that dream meant they were going to die together?”
“After the Sara incident, Noah seemed to know and feel things that were closer to the other side. I’m sure he didn’t know Belle was going to die. How could he? But I have a feeling he suspected that dream meant more than just your average dream, or he wouldn’t have even brought it up.”
“Do you think it’s his way of letting us know they’re together and they’re okay?”
“Yeah, I think so.”
Darren scoops up his tissues and tosses them in the trash. “Remind me never to let those kids play in the ocean by themselves.”
“That would never happen anyway, but I don’t think he meant the kids were with them. That’s why they were in a field. It was a barrier. Noah and Belle are going to be Nate and Cadence’s guardian angels. I’ve thought Belle was Nate’s from the minute we got to the hospital that night.”
“Why?”
I lie on his bed and look at the ceiling. “Damn, Darren, if you could have seen everything going on in that room. Mel was broken ten ways till Sunday and her pain was astronomical. The trauma of the accident, combined with the pain and her injuries, I just don’t see how Nate made it.”
Darren leans back, and now we’re side by side. “My Abuela used to say, a life for a life. It always seems one person goes out as another comes in. Maybe those lives lost become guardian angels to the new lives.”
“That’s a nice thought, but what about Noah?”
Darren sits up again, and I follow. He grabs the tequila and pours us each a shot. “I don’t know, maybe Noah gets to watch over us all. He earned it, you know? He was a saint while he was here and saved a bunch of lives when he left. I bet he’s got some serious angel status.” Darren raises he glass. “To Noah and Belle, wherever you are.”
As we clink our shots and toss them back, I think about the people Noah was able to save and wonder if they feel him too.
Watching my video took hours. At first, I listened to the entire thing, but I couldn’t see it through the tears. I tried to process what Noah was saying, but it was too hard. After a while, I took a break and went into the nursery to see Nate. I turned off the monitor and rocked in the chair for a bit. Not long after I’d been there, Cadence started fussing, so I changed her and rocked with her. Sometimes, she isn’t hungry; it’s just like she’s looking for Belle.
“I know you miss your mama. I think you’re smarter than anyone knows. Just because you’re small doesn’t mean you don’t know something is wrong.”
Her pacifier slips out, and I tuck it back into her mouth as she grips my shirt.
“We’re all trying to figure it out, you know. Even though they’re not here anymore, you and Nate will always know their love. I promise you’ll feel it through us and the stories we tell, and I know Auntie Mel has lots of stories. She’s experiencing some hard times right now, but she’s always going to be there for you. Just like Belle and Veronica have always been there for her.”
Cadence releases a baby sigh as the pacifier falls from her lips and she’s fast asleep again. Holding her, we rock until Nate wakes up a little later. Swapping Cadence for Nate goes smoother than I expected. After changing him, I take him with me to make his bottle. Nate hasn’t learned the subtle art of waking up yet, and we definitely don’t need them both up at the same time.
When we’re back in the room and Nate is sucking away on his bottle, I think back to the video.
“Your dad thinks he’s outsmarted me somehow, Nate. He thinks because I loved your mommy before they got married that we can eventually go back to that. Too bad he doesn’t realize how hard it was for me to bury those feelings. It’s a good thing I did because having you in my life beats having a relationship any day.”
Nate stares up at me as if he can understand what I’m saying. And being that he’s Noah’s son, maybe he can.
“He never needed to ask me to take care of both of you. I’d have done it no matter what. That’s what brothers do, but more importantly, that’s what families do. You and Cadence are very lucky. You both have a lot of people who love and care about you. Noah and Belle made sure of that.”
Nate finishes his bottle and continues looking up at me. He’s bright-eyed and awake when usually he’s asleep pretty quickly. Maybe my chatter is keeping him up, but since I don’t have Noah anymore, talking to Nate seems natural.
“I’ll tell you a secret, even though your mommy and I can’t be together, hearing your dad say it would be okay … it lifted a lot of guilt from my heart. I will always love both of you, but falling for your mom again would be a horrible idea.”
Nate’s brows furrow almost as if he doesn’t like what I said, but I’m sure he’s probably gassy and needs to burp. After putting him over my shoulder, I begin telling him a story.
“Once upon a time, there was a famous rock prince named Noah. One day, Noah met his match in a true-life, rock-royalty princess named Amelia. The first time Noah saw Amelia, he knew he wanted her to be his queen, but Princess Amelia wasn’t so sure.”
Nate is asleep in minutes, but I keep building on the story. I think I’m going to tell this to him every night and maybe, when I have Cadence, I can even build on it and wrap Belle and Darren into it. If Mel ever comes out of her mental cocoon, I’m sure she could make it even better. Maybe she’ll turn it into a book for them one day. She doesn’t believe in happily ever afters for herself, but she’s good at imagining them for other people. Maybe if she imagines enough, between the two of us, we can wish one into existence for Nate and Cadence so the kind of pain and heartache that touched their parents will never be able to touch them.
After putting Nate in his crib, I turn the monitor back on and go back to my room and lie down. Noah threw a lot at me tonight, but the one emotion I’m feeling above all else is sadness. It hasn’t even been three weeks since Noah died. This is the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing him or talking to him in my whole life. Tears stream down my cheeks once again, but I’ve stopped trying to fight them. Ever since the accident, they come when they want, and I suspect they will for a long time.
“I miss you, Noah, so fucking much,” I whisper into the darkness with the hope that, wherever he may be, he misses me too.
In the morning, I make some coffee and sit with Darren and J in the kitchen after checking on Mel.
“Did you watch it?” J looks up from his coffee cup.
“Yeah, but can you guys do me a favor, please? Don’t tell anyone I did. I need to process it all, and I’m not quite ready to hand it over to Mom and Dad yet.”
“My lips are sealed,” J replies before sipping his coffee.
“I won’t say a word. I’m not sure how you were able to move on after the first video. I did open mine and read what Noah designated for me in his will because I didn’t know if anything was going to be time sensitive.”
Jordan stands. “I’m not opening that envelope at all. I don’t care what Noah left me. I don’t need it, and I don’t want it. If it’s something I need to pay attention to, I’m sure someone will let me know.” He heads to the coffee pot for a refill, and I turn to Darren.
“Did you see he left his music to Mel?”
Cadence fusses from the swing, and Darren goes to check on her. “Yes, and I think it’s a good thing.”
“I’m worried she’ll freak out about it like her parents’ money. She still doesn’t know what to do with what they left her.”
Darren pops Cadence’s pacifier in her mouth. “Maybe it’s time to tell her about Sunshine.”
Nate cries, and Jordan puts down his coffee. “I’ll get him.”
I shake my head. “She can’t find out about that yet. She hasn’t even held her kid since a few hours after he was born. Besides, I’ve put off the opening for a few months. It killed me to do so, but Noah would want to give it all of his focus, and I can’t even give it five concentrated minutes right now.”
Darren sighs. “Look, you don’t have to explain it to me. I just think the longer you wait to tell her, the harder it’s going to be.”
He picks up Cadence and heads toward his room. I don’t disagree with him, but I’m hoping there will be some kind of opening for me to bring it up. It’s not just this good thing Noah and I were doing together. It’s the last secret Noah and I shared. We agreed to surprise Mel when it was a good time, and right now is the worst timing possible. In fact, I think she’ll flip out. Instead of being something good, it will be a secret Noah kept. After she found out we all knew Noah thought his time here was limited, but she didn’t, well … let’s just say I’m not ready to be on the receiving end of her wrath again.