Letting Go
Darren takes a seat on the couch, and I stumble over to him as he pours himself a drink. With a slight shake of his head, he takes in my rumpled appearance and knocks back his drink. “You were supposed to call me first.”
“I know, and you have no idea how much I wish I had. I’m sorry for fucking up your last night.”
“It’s all right. You didn’t interrupt anything. We were already sleeping. Talk to me, Sawyer. What kind of mess are we facing later today?”
“Let’s toast, first,” I say, raising my glass.
Darren shakes his head “You’ve had enough, don’t you think?”
“One more. I promise it’s worth it.”
Reluctantly, he fills a glass and holds it up. “What are we toasting?”
“Noah and Mel are having a baby.”
“Oh, fuck me.” Darren’s eyes widen, and we toss back our drinks at the same time.
“I’m happy for him.”
Darren nods. “I know you are, Sawyer. You love Noah.”
“I’m also totally and completely fucking gutted.” The tears start flowing again as I think of everything I’ll never have.
“How about you fill me in from the beginning.”
Darren forces me to drink a bunch of water as I tell him about the evening's events.
“I can’t believe you took the advice of some groupie to come clean to Noah once and for all. It’s just your fucking luck you got Mel instead. Do you think she’ll keep it secret?”
“I think she’ll try, but I’m not sure if the guilt will break her or not. I should probably tell him myself and deal with the consequences. He won’t leave the tour, but we may have to swap buses.”
“I’m not even sure what to say at this point,” he admits sadly.
“Join the club. You know what’s messed up? I’ve waited my entire life to fall in love with her and never even realized it. All these years, all those women rotating in and out of my bed, and I never felt a connection. Maybe that’s why I never thought I’d settle down with someone. Because I’d never felt what love was supposed to be like.”
“Come on, Sawyer …”
“What? It’s true. As usual, I came in second. I can’t even have the woman who was meant to be mine because she was also meant to be Noah’s.”
Darren looks at his watch and passes me another bottle of water before patting me on the shoulder like I’m a pathetic puppy.
“You’ve had a lot to drink, and you’re emotional, but I don’t think the universe works that way, Sawyer. I think you finally let your guard down long enough to actually let someone in. Maybe next time you’ll feel something even more intense than what you feel with Mel.”
“I’m pretty sure the universe works exactly that way. One soul mate for everyone, and if you miss out, it’s your loss. Besides, I don’t think I want to feel anything like this again. I’m just going to go back to fucking. Fucking, I’m good at, but feelings? Not so much.”
Darren yawns and leans back on the couch.
“You know what? Let’s go. Tonight has been enough of a shit show without you missing the last few hours you have with Belle. We can talk more tomorrow, or not. If I’m lucky, I’ll forget tonight ever happened.”
“You know damn well tonight is going to be seared into your memory. Before we go anywhere, we have some important shit to hash out.”
He’s right; there’s no way I’ll ever forget anything about tonight. Not the way that kiss is permanently branded onto my heart, and I won’t be able to forget this pain that radiates through my soul.
“What else is there to talk about?”
He gives me a pointed stare. “How about the fact that once your sadness wears off your anger is going to take over like it always does? Noah isn’t going to understand why you’re raging, especially when he finds out he’s having a baby. How are you going to fake what you already know?”
“I won’t have to fake being happy for Noah. I am happy for him. I’ll get past this soon enough, and we’ll be tighter than ever.”
“So you’re not angry with Noah for getting the girl?”
“Fuck, Darren! Why are you pushing this?”
He crosses his arms and glares at me. “Because someone has to before the shit hits the fan.”
“Yes, okay? I’m mad Noah got my girl, but I’m not angry he got his girl.”
“That makes no fucking sense.”
“If you lined up every person I know in front of me and said, ‘You can only pick one, but all their dreams would come true,’ Noah would be my one. So yes, the wife, the kids, the girl, his every happiness, I want him to have it all. He deserves it. Noah is a fucking saint; you know that as much as I do. There isn’t a mean bone in his body. But for tonight, the next few days or weeks or whatever it takes, I’m going to be mad. Mad that my girl got away, mad that my Princess didn’t pick me. But I’m not angry with them for finding each other and being happy. I’m only angry with myself for falling in love with someone who was never mine to have in the first place.”
A small smile kicks up at the corner of his mouth. “Okay then.”
Fucking finally. “Okay.”
“I have one more question, and then we can go back.”
With a groan, I sit forward and prop my elbows on my knees. “What is it?”
“How did Mel act when she told you she was pregnant? It seems … strange she would tell you before Noah.”
“She seemed really fucking sad, Darren. She said this wasn’t the plan she had for her life. I asked her if she was keeping it, and she said yes, but … without a doubt, she’s unsettled about the whole thing.”
“Belle doesn’t know, at least I don’t think she does. I don’t like knowing this before Noah or Belle.”
We stand and look around, making sure nothing is left behind aside from my shattered dreams. When we step inside the elevator, I finally reply, “I don’t like it either. I’m not sure how I’m going to look Noah in the eyes tomorrow as it is. But keeping something like this from him, even for an hour, is going to be torture.”
My head is pounding almost as loudly as whoever is banging on my door. I crawl out of bed and fling the door open.
“Morning sunshine,” Darren says, holding out a bottle of water and a handful of ibuprofen.
“Thanks.” I reach for the pills and immediately swallow them. “You look like shit.”
He laughs, and my head yells in protest. “Right back at you. At least you got to sleep a little longer. I got up two hours ago to say bye to Belle and Veronica.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, wincing as each step I take reverberates through my head. This is one hell of a hangover.
“I’m all right. I’m not the one who drank double his weight in whiskey last night and had his heart stomped on.”
Everything from the night before comes flooding back to me in a painful reminder. “Can you text me when Noah and Wyatt get to breakfast? I’m going to shower and go talk to Mel so we can get our story straight. I need to know what to prepare for with Noah today.”
“I’m already on it. I told Wyatt we were running late and to text me. I’m going to talk to Mel while you shower. I think our best course of action is to keep everything as close to the truth as possible. You called Noah for help, Mel came instead and then called me for reinforcement. Aside from the kiss and the baby news, it’s the truth.”
“That sounds good, thanks. And thanks for last night.”
Darren waves me off. “That’s what friends are for. I’ll text you when I leave Mel’s room so you can talk to her too. Then we’ll meet up and head down to breakfast together.”
I lock the door behind him and head for the shower. If I’m going to visit Mel and apologize, I can at least make sure I don’t smell like I rolled in a vat of alcohol. Once I’m showered and dressed, I feel marginally better. I’m hopeful a pot of coffee will wake me up enough to do our interviews today and get through our show tonight. It only takes me a couple of minutes to get to Mel and Noah’s room once Darren texts me. I pause momentarily outside her door but finally work up the courage to knock.
When she opens the door, she looks awful, but she motions for me to come inside. I’ll take it as a small victory.
“Morning, Mel.” She cringes at my greeting, and I feel the knife burrow deeper in my heart. She can’t stand me anymore. We have to get past this, so I push forward with small talk. “Noah sent a text that you’re sick. Are you? Or are you hiding because of me?”
She sits on the bed and points to the chair directly across from her, and I take a seat.
“I’m not hiding, Sawyer. Noah says I have a fever. It’s probably just a cold, I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.” She pauses and looks me over with an assessing gaze. “How are you feeling, Sawyer?”
I meet her gaze head-on. “Like a fool.”
“No, Sawyer, don’t. You followed your heart and you should never feel foolish for that. I wish I could be who you need me to be. I want that for you. Someday you’re going to find someone, and when you lay your heart on the line, she’ll be ecstatic you chose her.”
This is why she and Noah deserve each other—they’re good people. She should be damning me to hell right now, and instead, she’s wishing for my happiness.
“Can I ask you something?”
She gives me a genuine smile, and I swear I can feel my heart breaking into smaller pieces. “Always.”
“Was it just in my head? We have … had chemistry, right? Please, Princess, tell me I’m not delusional.”
Her expression softens, probably because I’m practically begging her for validation. This will be the last time I beg her for anything, I hope, but I have to know I’m not crazy.
“No, it wasn’t in your head, Sawyer. It just wasn’t meant to be. If things had worked out differently, you’re exactly the kind of guy I would have fallen head over heels for. But Noah, he stole my heart and, temporarily, my uterus.”
“Yeah, well, if I had to lose out to anyone, Noah is the person I’d fall on my sword for every time. I’m sorry about last night, I overstepped. I’m willing to tell him so we don’t have to keep this secret between us. About the kiss, not the baby … that one is all you.” I flash her a smile that I hope she can tell is real. I might not be happy in my personal life right now, but I’m excited about the new addition to our family.
“I’m not a deceitful person, and I try to live by the truth in everything. But sometimes keeping secrets in extreme circumstances is the best thing. Your brother worships you, just as much as you do him. I’m the first to admit I don’t understand the twin connection, but I see it every day. You guys have this irrevocable bond that is going to be with you for the rest of your lives, but if you tell Noah we kissed, you’ll never get it back. He might forgive us, but things would never be the same. I could handle it. I’d be devastated, but if your relationship remained intact, I’d be okay. But I don’t think it will.”
The gravity of her words settles over me. Noah and I have survived a lot of things, but even I’m not optimistic about getting past this. I don’t like keeping secrets from him, but to keep him in my life, I’ll keep this one until the day I die.
“Me either, Mel. It won’t happen again. And now I know it wasn’t in my head, and Noah is your choice, I’ll leave you alone.”
“Hey, I still need you in my life. As my friend, as my child’s uncle, and as my family. You and I will get past this too. And not to make this any more awkward, but if you’re going to stop calling me Princess, you should probably ease into it. It’s the only thing you’ve ever called me before last night.”
“That can’t be true.”
“Except for the night we met when you called me Princess Amelia, yeah, it is.”
My laughter comes out full force, and my eyes fill with tears. I call her Mel all the time when I’m talking to other people, but I try to recall an instance where I’ve called her by her name directly, other than last night, and I can’t. Diane and Rory would skin me alive if they ever hear about this.
“I’m pretty sure that makes me the world’s largest dick. I’ve got two sisters who consider pet names degrading and condescending. I’m sorry, Mel, really.”
With a fondness I wouldn’t have expected, she replies, “Me too, because I really grew to love it.”
A lump forms in my throat, and know I’ve got to get out of here before I lose it again. If only she weren’t so easy to talk to … to love.
“Well, I’m really late for breakfast and I’m sure I’m going to hear all about it. I just didn’t want the day to pass without clearing things up between us. You’re one of a kind, Mel. Noah’s a lucky man. Not too many women would put family bonds above their own morals. Thank you.”
She reaches for me, but I step toward the door knowing I can’t handle her touch.
“We’re family now, too, Sawyer. Morals go out the door when you need to protect them.” Mel’s words stay in my mind long after she’s closed the door behind me.
Darren is waiting in the hall, and I fly past him. I will not break down in this hallway, I tell myself again and again until I reach the stairwell. I run down countless flights of stairs as tears start streaming down my cheeks. My chest heaves, and Darren’s footsteps are a close echo behind me.
“Sawyer, stop,” he calls out, slightly winded as we almost reach the third-floor landing. “You can’t go out there like this. Stop and let’s catch our breath and regroup.”
I’m a fucking mess right now. When I hit the third-floor landing, I lean against the wall and slide down until I’m sitting on the floor.
“Jesus, what happened with the two of you?” he gasps, sitting next to me.
“Nothing happened. I don’t know how I can do this every day, Darren. She’s everything I never knew I wanted, and I’m so in love with her I can’t even catch my breath.”
Finally, I allow myself to break. I’ve never experienced a broken heart before, and maybe part of it is because I’m tired and hungover, but I know I never want to feel like this again.
“Sawyer, I’m so fucking sorry. I asked her if she was sure today, positive in choosing Noah, and she is.”
I’m not surprised, but his words pierce my heart all the same. “I know, and that’s how it should be. God, I fucked up so bad last night. Noah is everything a woman could want. He’s kind and gentle and loving. He’d give his last meal away if someone were hungry. He does so many amazing things for total strangers, and what am I?
“Come on, Sawyer, that’s not fair. You and Noah are different people, but that doesn’t make you any less deserving of love.”
Speaking through a sob, I answer him, “No? I kissed the love of Noah’s life last night. Knowing she loves him, knowing how much he adores her, knowing she doesn’t want me. You’d think I would have learned. Look what I did with Marilyn!”
Anger flashes in his eyes. “Don’t even go there. Marilyn played you guys. You weren’t yourself, you were on drugs, and you would never intentionally hurt Noah like that. Not then, not now.”
“Wouldn’t I? I mean, isn’t that what I did last night?”
“A kiss isn’t fucking, Sawyer. And no matter how much you care about Mel, I don’t believe you would have ever had sex with her unless she and Noah weren’t together.”
I close my eyes and shake my head. “I was so drunk I think I would have.”
“Thinking and acting are two different things.”
“What do I do, Darren? This entire situation is fucked up. I can’t keep this from Noah. We don’t keep secrets, and this? Fuck.”
He puts his hand on my knee, and I look up at him. “You have to, if not for Noah then for Mel. She wants you to bury it. She loves you and already considers you her family, and she said the last thing she wants is for her soon-to-be husband and his brother to have a falling out over her. This is her call. She wants to protect Noah and your relationship with him. So no, she might not love you the way you love her, but fuck Sawyer, she loves you the best way she can, as her brother and her friend.”
“She’s a good person, just as good as Noah. She’s protecting me at the potential cost of her relationship.”
Darren throws his arm over my shoulder “You’re doing the right thing. You’re backing away and wishing them well.”
“Yeah, and I am happy for them, you know? It’s why I didn’t take it past that first kiss when we met because I want this for Noah and Amelia. I guess I got a good, long look at myself last night, and I didn’t like what I saw.”
“What did you see?”
With a sigh, I turn and look at him. “I saw a selfish man, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to be better. I want to be someone worth fighting for. Someday, maybe someone will want me like Mel wants Noah if I can change. And I want to be a better brother, the one Noah deserves, but I’m afraid the next few weeks aren’t going to be a very good start for us.”
We stand, and as I go to step down, Darren grabs my arm. “I know things are hard for you right now. When you’re feeling shitty about yourself, it’s easy to forget who you are. You don’t have to try to be that man, Sawyer; you’re already him. Look at the Sunshine Project. Look at the college tuition program you put into place. We all contribute, but the idea was all yours.”
I shake him off. “Those are things bought by money, and they speak nothing about me.”
Darren’s shoulders slump as he begins walking down the stairs. “You’re wrong about that. Maybe money does buy those things, but you’re the person behind the action. The only difference between you and Noah is he wears his heart on his sleeve and you keep yours hidden under the asshole exterior you want everyone to see. Start being you for a change and you might be surprised at the changes you see.”
Our phones go off at the same time, once again reminding us we’re late for breakfast and Warren isn’t happy. It’s going to be a long day.
Later that night, I was finally settled into my bed after being summoned to Noah’s room. I laid in the dark and allowed the last twenty-four hours to wash over me. Mel told Noah they’re having a baby, and then they told everyone else. In that moment, I felt a peace come over me I haven’t felt in a long time.
Seeing happiness exude from Noah’s pores was all I needed. It’s not going to be easy, but I’m going to start letting her go. My road to being a better brother begins now. All this drama and internal turmoil over Mel has been wreaking havoc on me. And for what? Some pussy? At the end of the day, no amount of stolen glances, brushed fingertips, or hot-as-fuck kisses are worth wrecking my relationship with my brother.
From now on, I push ahead, go back to groupies if I want sex, and focus on being the best uncle I can be. My nieces adore me, and Noah’s kid will too. My family is going to be the center of my universe from this day forward. Mel will be part of that but not as the woman who inspires me but as the woman who made all my brother’s hopes and dreams come true.
Maybe I’ll lay off the alcohol when I’m around her too. It seems like all it does is get me into trouble these days.