I wasn’t even in Kindergarten when my parents wrote their stories. Growing up, they were just a few of the many books on our shelves. We knew Mom was a writer and she’d helped my dad write out his memoirs. My sister, Noelle, had been cautioned more than a time or two that those stories weren’t for her to read unless she had their express permission. Like Mom, Noelle is a huge bookworm.
For a while, it was a point of contention between the two of us because she finally got up the courage to ask to read them when she was about fourteen. My parents told her she’d never be able to read them until I did, and even then, she needed permission from Dad and me.
Mom told her she couldn’t stop her from reading the books once she was eighteen, but she limited Noelle’s access to the books released through Grandpa Sam’s publishing company—the rest of the story wasn’t up for grabs. Noelle and I are extremely close, but where she’s curious, I’m cautious. I’ve always been hesitant to make decisions because once they’re made, you can’t take it back. Mom says I get that trait from my bio dad. Dad disagrees; he thinks it comes from Mom. He says while Noah was cautious, he was immediately decisive with a plan for everything.
When I was sixteen, I had questions about love and sex. Nothing was off-limits between Dad and me—I’ve always been as comfortable talking to him as I would my best friends. In this instance, I couldn’t talk to my very best friend, Cadence, because all my questions were about her. I’d either made the cardinal mistake of falling in love with her, or the best decision of my life, but I wasn’t sure which.
I’ll never forget that moment between my dad and me.
“Dad?” I asked hesitantly. “How did you know you were in love with Mom? That she was the one?”
His head tilted slightly, and his eyes glazed over as if he had a million memories flooding through his mind. “I’ve always wondered how old you would be when we finally had this talk and if I would be confident enough in your maturity level to do what needs to be done.”
He looked at me for a long while, but it wasn’t an uncomfortable silence—it never could be, not with him. I’d known my entire life he wasn’t my bio dad, that he was my uncle, but it never felt that way to me. My dad’s love for me was just as strong as it was for any of his kids. Some days, I thought, maybe even stronger.
“You,” he said in a much softer voice, “are more mature than I ever was at your age.” A smile spread across his face, one reserved for when he was thinking of my bio dad. “You’re so much like Noah.” His voice caught, and he cleared his throat as the tears welled up in his eyes. “And like Noah, you’re an old soul, and I think you’re old enough to understand.”
“Understand what?”
“That sometimes the road to love is a complicated one. As I look back on everything, I can easily tell you I knew I loved your mom the night we met. I didn’t perceive it as love, but even when you don’t recognize love, Nate, I think you can feel it in every cell of your being.”
Wow, that’s … awesome.
“But,” he leaned back in his chair and exhaled deeply, “back then, I wasn’t the man I am now. I made a lot of really bad mistakes, and it’s why I’ve dreaded this day.”
My stomach dropped. “I’m not sure I understand.”
“I know, but you will. The books your mom wrote are about the three of us … your mom, your dad, and me. They’re the story of us, and in a way, they’re your legacy. As are the books your mom helped me write - which are just my memoirs, but they’re an important piece of the story, especially for you. Within those pages, you’ll find the answers you seek about love, friendship, and family. You’ll also discover I wasn’t a good person or the best brother I could have been. Not by a long shot.”
“I’m sure it can’t be that bad. You’re the best person I know.”
Dad shook his head sadly. “That’s because you haven’t met Noah yet, but you will within those pages. I hope you don’t hate me, but it’s a risk I’ve always been willing to take for you to know Noah, Nate, your real father.”
I swallowed over a lump in my throat and whispered, “I could never hate you.”
He smiled and nodded. “I hope not, but I want you to know that even though my entire life would change, and the world as I know it would disappear beneath my feet, I’d give anything if it meant Noah could be here once again.”
The gravity of his words settled over me as tears sprang to my eyes. Sure, I’d thought about my bio dad often—he’s practically worshipped by everyone in our family—but to think of my life without Sawyer hurt me deeply. “I don’t think I’m ready yet, to read them, to know everything. Not now.”
Dad nodded in his all-knowing way and smiled. “If it helps at all, you should know that you and Cadence bonded the day you were born. The first time she saw you, she wrapped her hand around yours and held on. She was only about four months old at the time, but it didn’t matter—it was like she knew you instantly. You’d both lost a parent that day, and I always wondered if she somehow recognized a kindred spirit. Belle had that knack too. She recognized the people she wanted in her life and pulled them into her orbit.” Dad laughed heartily with the memory. “You’ll learn about Aunt Belle more when you read the books. She made me her friend before I realized what was happening. Her friendship was one of the best gifts of my life.”
“So are you saying I should be happy with only being Cadence’s friend?”
“What I’m saying, Nate, is that only you can decide. But if you believe in fate as much as Noah did, it may have already been decided for you.”
It was three years after our discussion before I read their stories. Cadence and I were nineteen, and Noelle was seventeen. I’d waited because I was afraid of what I would learn between those pages and because I couldn’t read them without Noelle—we share everything. Noelle wasn’t mature enough at fourteen to handle their story, but at seventeen, she was easily as mature as I was, if not more so.
As I went from one book to the next, I was mesmerized. There was a mixture of love and sadness, disbelief and anger, but overall, I got to know my parents—all of them—in a way most kids probably never do.
Getting to know Noah and Aunt Belle was a priceless gift. I shared the books with Cadence without hesitation because they were as much for her as they were for me.
After devouring all five books, I went to the beach house and sat under the stars. It was calm and peaceful in a way I’d never noticed before. I think Noah was with me, and after having read the books, I’m pretty sure I’ve felt him all along. In some ways, I’ve carried Noah with me my entire life. That night, I thought back to my talk with my dad in his office and how he was afraid I might hate him, and I knew I needed to ease his fears once and for all.
Dad gave me a welcoming smile when I walked into his office the next morning, but there was fear in his eyes. I’d never felt guilt like I did in that moment. I should have gone to see him right away.
“Did you read them all?” He stood to take the books from my outstretched hand, but I placed them on the desk and pulled him into a hug.
“I love you, Dad, and I could never hate you. You loved Mom and me with your whole heart. And you loved my dad too, more than most people probably understand. There was never a day I didn’t feel your love. Not one, not ever.”
Dad tucked me closer and held on tighter. We cried, but we needed it—he needed that release, my forgiveness. When he finally let me go, we each took a seat like we’d done thousands of times over the years. But this time, I looked around his office with a new appreciation of the awards and records that were hanging on the walls—photos, guitars, memories. No matter how much success and fame came his way, there was always one constant thing front and center: his family.
“Do you have any questions, or is there anything you want to talk about, Nate?”
“It must have been really hard for you to love Mom and stay away so she and Noah could be together instead.”
His eyes widened, and he blinked a few times before responding. “It was difficult, but it was also the easiest thing I’d ever done. I struggled for a long time. I wanted Noah to have happiness, and once you were on your way, that was all I wanted. My biggest struggle has always been accepting the fact my family came with the price of his life. My children and my marriage only exist because he’s no longer here.”
I’ll never forget the pain on Dad’s face.
“That’s what he wanted, and it’s what you both deserved. It’s what we deserved. I deserved the family you gave us, Dad.”
“I know, and that knowledge is how I get through my days. There are times it still hurts. Like our birthday, your mom and Noah’s wedding anniversary, your birthday …”
“Fuck, my birthday.” That must have been a double-edged sword for them, but if they were suffering, they never let me feel it.
Dad laughed. “It’s like Grandma Veronica said, ‘From the greatest tragedies, come the best gifts.’ You’ve seen the photos from when you were born. Noah couldn’t have faked that happiness, even through his pain. You were all he ever wanted, and he didn’t let go of this world until he knew you were safe and sound.”
“I’m happy he had that, and I’m glad I have at least one set of photos with us together. In a way, it makes him a little more … real, I guess. I went to the beach house last night and laid under the stars for hours. I feel crazy for even saying this, but I think I felt him there.”
A tear fell from his eye, and he quickly swiped it away. “You’re not crazy. After all these years, I still feel him and Belle. I still talk to them often, especially if I think they’re watching. I can’t speak to the existence of souls or the afterlife because I don’t think we can ever really know until it’s our time, but I don’t think they’ve ever stopped watching over us.”
My dad is faithful, but he’d never been extremely religious. For him to admit that, I knew it had to be the truth. Not that I doubted him, because my dad never lied to me. Which reminded me of something I wanted to ask him.
“The ring thing, at your wedding to Mom, was that true? Or was that her taking fictional liberties in her book?”
He smiled and ran his hand across the top of the books. “Your mom didn’t take any fictional liberties in those books. Everything she wrote was how she interpreted her side of things at that time. Call Uncle Wyatt and talk to him about it. He’s still blown away by Noah’s premonition.”
“Wait … so even Rhymin’ Rieanne is real?”
Dad laughed and laughed but finally spilled the deets. “She’s real, and you know her very well.”
Dad pulled out a photo and pointed her to her. I was shocked. “Why did Mom call her Rieanne?”
“That was her stage name. We didn’t get to know the real Rieanne until years later. Next time Uncle Ryan comes over, you should talk to him about her. He loves telling the story.”
“That’s hilarious! Cadence and Noelle are going to get a kick out of this.”
“So … you did share the books with them?” Dad asked, the humor suddenly missing from his tone.
“Yeah, I thought you guys said it was okay.”
“We did. I knew you would need someone to talk it out with, and to be honest, I was hesitant for Noelle to know everything. But I also know the three of you are thick as thieves and it was the likely outcome. Are they angry with me?”
“Dad, come on, they adore you. They thought the entire thing was as romantic as it was tragic, but with love prevailing in the end, they sided with mostly romance. I’m sorry you’ve carried so much guilt over the years. Maybe it’s a testament to Mom’s writing, but I don’t see how anyone could read those books, all five of them, and not understand the two of you were meant to be.”
Dad leaned forward, putting his elbows on the desk. “Is that what you think?”
“Don’t you? Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited to be alive, and I’m proud to be both your son and Noah’s son. I’ve even come to terms with being the one to carry on Noah’s legacy—which I’m proud to do. But from that first kiss in your bathroom, Mom was the only one for you. Still, I’m glad Mom was the only one for Noah while he was here.”
“I am too.”
There was something else I wanted to say to him before we stopped talking. I already knew Mom was going to have a million questions for me as well. I had a feeling it would be a more delicate subject with her, so I was hoping I’d have a day or so to regroup before we talked. “I also wanted to thank you.”
“For what?”
“The pictures on the walls. The ones of Noah and Mom. I guess I never gave it much thought, or maybe I took it for granted that Noah was as much a part of our family as anyone, but I never considered how it must feel for you to see that picture of him and Mom at their wedding every day. I’d be okay if you wanted to take it down.”
Dad shook his head and opened his desk drawer, pulling out a small photo album. He handed it to me, and a strange sense of unease crept over my skin as I flipped through the images. It was filled with photos of Noah and Mom, or the three of them together. “I don’t understand.”
“Out of everything I own, the one thing that means the most to me is that album in your hands. It was never a hardship seeing Noah and your mom’s wedding photo, Nate. Aside from a bit of lingering guilt, that was one of the happiest days of our lives. Whenever I need a pick-me-up, I look at the photos on the wall or pull out this album and look at it. Noah was everything to me. He was my twin, my best friend, and the best person I ever knew.”
He paused and took a sip of water, eyes tearing up again. “When he passed away … well, I couldn’t have imagined pain that bad, and I hope none of my kids ever go through something so tragic. But it would have been a million times worse if I didn’t have you. Over the years, I’ve often wondered if I spoiled you too much or gave you attention or favoritism over your siblings, but I always let go of that worry and tried not to think about it. You’re my son, Nate, in every possible way. From your first breath until my last, and beyond, I will love you. Now that you’ve read the books, maybe you can see Noah in yourself now. We’re not lying when we’re sometimes taken aback at how much you remind us of him.”
“Yeah … I get it now. But I’m still a part of you and mom, too.” I didn’t want to be defensive, but Noah couldn’t have credit for all of it—genetics only go so far.
“And we wouldn’t have it any other way. So, tell me, did you find the relationship advice you were seeking?”
I always knew Mom and Dad were rooting for Cadence and me. Hell … so was I.
“I think I found the courage to wait and see. We’re young still, but I have no doubt Cady and I will get married and have a family of our own.”
Dad smirked. “Your mom isn’t going to like that answer.”
“Probably not, but I think Cady is like Belle. She needs to spread her wings and fly a bit. I think I’m like you and Noah. I knew from the first time we kissed, and probably even before, she’s the one for me. But unlike Noah, I’m not willing to sit back and wait for friendship to turn into love. If Cady needs to fly, so do I. If she’s going to date, so will I.”
“Nate, just be sure …”
“Condoms. I know, Dad. The only kids I ever want are the ones I’ll have with her.”
“Fair enough. Are you doing this because you want to experience other people or because you want to make Cady jealous?”
It was my turn to smirk at him. “Would it be wrong of me to say both? I mean, you’re only in college once, right?”
That conversation was six years ago. I’m twenty-five now, and I’m getting married tomorrow. Dad, I know you read these books at least once a year around your birthday, which is coming up soon. In your first book, you mentioned you wanted to have something to read when you got old and your memories failed you.
I thought I’d add to it to show you how much I’ve valued our conversations and our relationship over the years. You’re not just my dad; you’re one of my best friends. I don’t ever want to imagine a time when you won’t be there for me, but I know when that time comes, Noah and Belle will be there to greet you with open arms.
It seems like a lifetime ago that I read the books and learned the truth about my parents. I can’t imagine a better role model, husband, or father than you. I hope my wife and I will share the same kind of love you and Noah were able to find with Mom.
Thank you, Dad, for loving me and raising me. You’ve been my best friend and confidant, you kept Noah’s memory alive, and you made sure I know family and love come first, always. I couldn’t have envisioned a better father or family than the one I have.
There is one other thing I want you to know before anyone else. You’re about to be a grandpa. We’re announcing it at the reception tomorrow, and we couldn’t be happier. I’ll be telling you tonight, and besides us, you’ll be the first to know. Tomorrow, at the wedding, do me a favor and keep Uncle Darren from killing me, okay? I’d like to live to see my first child, and we both know even though he loves me, he’s still sensitive about everything that happened between Cadence and me.
You and Mom are going to be the most amazing grandparents just as you were parents. I only hope we’ll be half the parents you were to us.
All my love,
Nathaniel Noah Weston
P.S. Mom, please don’t be mad I told Dad first. When the next one comes, you’ll have that honor, I promise.
P.P.S. Mom, thank you for giving me the only father who could have ever filled the void Noah left in our lives. The two of you are the greatest people I’ve ever known, and I’m beyond thankful for both of you.