Chapter Thirty-Six
Maddie
He leaned against me, and I cradled him, kissing his lips several times before pressing my cheek against his.
"Were you here for all of it?" He sounded so far beyond tired.
"Yes." I brushed my hand down the side of his face and closed my eyes, letting memory after memory from our childhood wash over me. I knew him. Intimately.
Why in the world would I ever let scarcity and fear get in the way of starting a real relationship with a good man like him?
"I want to go home." He moved back and glanced back down toward the gravestones. "Mom would be happy to know you came."
"Of course I did. I just stayed in the back because I didn't want to disrespect your wishes." I reached out and slid my hand into his. "And look at me."
He glanced my way, his eyes filled with a torrent of emotion. "What?"
"I'm not going anywhere. I realized I was stupid. I'm sorry." I reached up and brushed a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. "I thought I needed the money to make me happy, but more so, to make sure my mom and dad were okay." My eyes filled with tears. "I wanted to do big things because I'm the only one they have to lean on." I swallowed the hot ball of regret lodged in my throat. "I was wrong. I can find another way to take care of them."
"It wasn't about the money, Maddie." He pulled his hand from mine, and my heart dropped.
He wasn't going to let me back in. No matter how he felt about me, about us. No matter what his mother would have wanted for him. It wasn't about just finding love, but about being with someone that would have his back, would rub his shoulders and love on him when the world turned dark.
It's what we all wanted in life. There was no way that Gavin didn't want it too. Some part of me prayed that he would find it with me, but if he didn't, I just wanted him to be happy with someone.
"It was about the message behind it, and not that my reasons change anything, but you have to know that I'd trade every cent you paid me to have you instead."
His eyes widened a little, and his shoulders pulled back. "Seriously?"
"Absolutely. One hundred percent." I crossed my arms over my chest and tried not to shiver. It was getting colder by the minute. "Take the money out of my account, or what's left of it. I might have bought groceries and gas once." I tilted my head to the side, half-expecting him to smile, but I got nothing out of him.
"And this is because you feel guilty?" He nodded toward his mother's grave.
"No." I took a shallow breath. "Well, yes, of course, I do, but this is more than that. I didn't need the money. I needed you. I want whatever was building between us more than I want security or a hand up or a career in California." I risked it and reached out, touching the side of his face.
He pressed against my hand, cupping his hand over mine as he turned and kissed my palm. The warmth of his lips lit me on fire.
"Please forgive me." I pulled back and took the ring off. "And here. Take this back, too. I want to start fresh from the beginning."
He started to respond, but I lifted my hand and shook my head. "No. Don't say anything now. Please. I don't want you to talk out of anger or loss. I need you to think about what we had there near the end. That was me. Fully me. Completely and totally in love with you."
He glanced down at the ring and back up to me. "You sure about this?"
"Positive. Call me if you decide you want to try again, and know that if you don't, I'm praying you find a woman worthy of you." I moved closer and kissed his cheek. "It sure as hell isn't me, but sometimes the underdog pulls through."
I turned and walked to my car as tears dripped down my cheeks. Ron called out to me, but I waved at him and got in my old clunker, trying to start it three times before it finally purred to life.
There would be other ways to get myself out of the financial situation that I was in. I could get a few extra jobs, non-modeling jobs to try and get my shit together. And maybe if I worked hard at being more authentic and stopped trying to stage my pictures and look perfect all the fucking time, maybe people would like me for who I was. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to become famous.
Besides, it's not like I was going to be able to keep up the bullshit act forever. I was exhausted already, and life had just started.
I pulled out of the parking lot, glancing back in time to see Gavin lift his hand and blow me a kiss.
Rolling down my window, I stuck my hand out of it and pretended to catch the kiss. He had no idea how sorry I was. How much I would give it all back to have him beside me.
I picked up my phone and called my mom, knowing Nancie was most likely busy
"Hi, baby. What are you up to?"
"Just leaving the funeral." I turned onto the freeway and pressed the phone between my cheek and shoulder. "I need to tell you and Dad something."
"Alright." She sounded worried. She should be. I was a liar.
My phone buzzed, and I pulled it away from my ear to see that it was a text from Gavin. It only had three words.
Dinner. Tomorrow Night.
There wasn't a question mark, and for some odd reason, that turned me on so much. He wanted to see me again, and if I knew him well enough, he would be full of piss and vinegar when we met up. With so many things going on in his life, he'd want me underneath him, moaning and squirming as he took out his aggression on my body.
My nipples budded as an ache raced through the center of my body.
"Maddie?" My mom said. "I have you on speaker. What did you need to tell us?"
I got choked up. "I just wanted you to both know how much I love you. I'm sorry I give you hell sometimes. It won't happen again. You know what's best for you, and whatever that is, I'm behind you. Please don't change a bit. You're special and give me something to hope for one day in my own marriage."
My mom sniffled as my dad's voice filled the line. "Ahh... sweetheart. Did the funeral upset you?"
"It was rough," I said and pulled off the freeway, heading back to my lonely apartment. I'd have given a few teeth for Gavin to demand to see me later that night, but this was for the best. He needed his space, and we had to start from the beginning to make sure that both of us wanted whatever outcome we ended up with.
"Well, we love you too, baby." My mom came back on the line. "How is Gavin? Is he with you?"
"He had a rough time with it, Mom. He's headed home with Ron. I think he wanted some time with his best friend, and I was more than happy to move out of the way."
"Hmmm... seems odd seeing that you're his wife." My mother's voice tightened.
"No, it's hard for him to cry in front of me, and he needs to let some emotions go, you know? This marriage was fast and furious, and where it's the best thing that's ever happened to me, we still have a lot of bonding to do." I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment and turned off the car. "I'm going to let you go. I love you both. Thanks again for being so great."
"Be safe and let us know if you need anything."
We hung up, and I got out of the car, working through all of the thoughts racing through my head. It was going to be okay either way.
I was sure of it.