ELLIE
IT’S BEEN A WEEK SINCE Nik saved my life, and boy has it been an adventure–both in good ways and bad. Cash and Scott spent the rest of that first weekend at the hospital with us, but they both had work on Monday. They’ve been taking turns coming by every evening after work though. Hank has stopped in a few times, too. I think he’s coming by to see Lacey as much as Nik. I love to watch the two of them smile and blush whenever they see each other.
Leia is still here, but her flight leaves out first thing in the morning. She doesn’t want to leave at all, but she helps run a high-end fashion house in London, and they have a show to put on next weekend. Nik is insisting that she go home before she loses her recent promotion because of him.
We’ve had lots of time to talk, and get to know each other better, because Nik still sleeps most of the time. I think you could go so far as to call us friends now. Leia and I understand one another, having bonded a bit because of the loss of our families. We don’t pity each other, but we both certainly understand what dealing with that kind of loss is like.
Their parents died in a car accident. Leia told me that other than losing them, the hardest part was how she left things with her mom. They’d had a small fight over the phone three days before, and Leia never got to apologize to her. We had a good, long hug and a cry over that.
Nik has a new doctor that has taken over his care since Leia and I dispatched Mr. Peacock. The lawsuit against him is in the works already thanks to my lawyer, Mr. Hiram, and another lawyer friend of his. Leia and I had a meeting with the hospital board yesterday, too. They threatened us with lawsuits, until they heard our proposal. They nearly tripped over themselves accepting our donation of three hundred and fifty thousand dollars, and promised to have Peterson gone by the first of next week.
The new doc’s name is Olivia Mason. She’s not a surgeon, but she specializes in trauma patients and their recovery. Her bedside manner is a hundred times better than Peacock’s. She came in early Sunday morning to go over what Nik could expect during his recovery.
His leg is doing as well as Dr. Tamayaka had hoped, with no signs of infection or compartment syndrome. I pray every day it stays that way. They took it out of the ceiling sling on Tuesday, and have it laying on some pillows now. He can wiggle his toes a little and move his foot, too, but when he tried that the first time he almost blacked out from the pain.
He’s fighting us on keeping his morphine pump set high enough to stop the pain–the stubborn mule. He says he hates being asleep or high ninety-five percent of the time, which I can’t blame him for, but I hate to see him in pain, especially since I know we can stop it.
So far, he’s handling all of this surprisingly well. Even if he’s been cranky a few times. Well, there was the incident Monday evening when he was a bit more than cranky. He’d only been awake a minute or two when he asked Lacey if he could go to the bathroom. We all stopped, and looked at each other for a second wondering who was going to help him realize he still had a catheter in.
All of us had known the second we saw the bag hanging on the side of the bed the first time we came in to see him. I guess he either couldn’t feel it, or was too high to care. Getting him up and to the bathroom wasn’t an option yet, so he had to have one. Leia bit the bullet and told him.
“Nik, just piss like you’ve been doing since you got here. The catheter is still stuck in your monster.”
Soooo not how I would have handled it, but to each their own I guess.
Nik looked at her confused for a second then jerked the sheet up to see for himself. Since I was standing at the head of his bed I almost saw his ‘monster’ when he flung the sheet up. I decided to quickly check out the ceiling tiles while my face flamed red, I’m sure, but Nik’s voice booming from beside me interrupted my embarrassment.
“You fucking let them stick a tube up my dick!”
“They didn’t ask me, Nik. It’s not like you can jump up to go take a piss. What did you think? That your bladder had magically increased in size or something?” she’d deadpanned, totally unaffected by his anger.
He strained off the bed as far as his body would let him. “Fuck you, Leia!”
I tried to calm him down before he hurt himself. “Nik, please calm down. It’s no big deal, okay? I’m sure they can take it out if you want,” I told him while I rubbed his arm.
He jerked away from me as if I had burned him. “Quit fucking treating me like a damn baby. I’m a grown ass man, for fuck’s sake!”
I was startled at first, and then I was shocked by how much it hurt for him to yell at me that way. I knew it was probably the medicine–Rachael had told me some people get mean on it after a while–but it still made my heart ache. I had backed away from his side and towards the door to give him some space. That’s when Cash stepped in.
“Nik, that’s enough. You need to calm your ass down. They don’t deserve your yelling and cussing.”
Nik was having none of it, he kept on yelling. “Fuck you, too! None of you are stuck in this damn bed with all kinds of tubes coming out of you! And you’re not in fucking pain either. Just…get out…all of you…get…”
He was out cold all of a sudden, and if Lacey hadn’t gotten my attention by touching my arm, I would’ve been really scared something was wrong.
“I knocked him out guys. There was no need to let him keep on and hurt himself more. I’m sorry y’all had to see him that way. It’s the morphine, it can really mess with your head and emotions. He probably won’t even remember it happened when he wakes up,” she’d said softly as she rubbed my arm.
I went home that night, and left Leia with him at the hospital. Cash had walked me out and assured me that what I had seen wasn’t Nik, and he’d never seen him that way before so it had to be the drugs.
I told him I knew that, and I was just going home to rest and call my friends back home, and I would be back in the morning first thing. He didn’t act like he really believed me, but let me go with a goodnight and a wave.
I did go home to rest and call my friends, but I also went home to cry and have an attack in private. I went straight to the shower when I got inside and sat in the bottom of the tub and cried my heart out until the water went cold.
I asked myself what in the world was I doing staying around Nik and his little family. I wasn’t one of them. I owed him a debt, a huge one, but surely there was another way to pay him back. I could write a check to cover all of his medical bills and insurance, or pay to have a nurse move in with him until he was better. I could leave it with Leia and slip out. Just get on a plane and go back home, or finally end it all with the bottle of pills still on the nightstand. Nik didn’t need me, and he certainly didn’t deserve to have some crazy woman taking care of him.
What if his fit of anger was how he truly felt about me? What if he was pretending to like me or high off the morphine when he said he wanted me to stay? What if I was sticking around for nothing?
The more questions I asked, the closer I got to another attack. I scrambled out of the tub, wrapped myself up in a towel, and went to call Vicky. I needed her right then almost as much as I ever had.
“Ellie, dear, how are you?” her soothing voice answered.
“I need help…I need…” I couldn’t finish through my gasping.
She immediately went into therapist mode. “Listen to my voice, Ellie. We’re going to breathe together. In–one, two, three, four…”
It took a good ten minutes to get me calmed down, but she finally did. I spent the next twenty telling her everything that had happened over the last few days. She was shocked, to say the least.
“My dear, little Ellie. I’m going to wrap you in a bubble, and never let you out of my sight again.”
“I’m cursed, Vicky. I’ve been telling you that for ages. Maybe now you believe me,” I said, totally defeated.
“And I’ve told you repeatedly you are not, and I still believe that,” she told me in her stern ‘Mama’s’ voice. “I don’t know why you had to meet Nik in such a horribly dramatic way, honey, but I’m glad you met him,” she said softly. “Remember when I told you that even in the desert life will find a way to grow? That flowers and trees will push up through the cracks, and that their roots will be the strongest because of the adversity they faced surviving to that point?”
“Yes,” I said quietly, my stomach starting to twist and flutter.
“Your flowers are starting to grow, my sweet friend. Your trees are twisting their roots deep to feed from the strength you have inside of you. They’ve been hiding in the cracks and scars, waiting until the rain finally came. Now that it has, they are ready to grow and thrive,” she said, her voice sounding happier with each word.
“Vicky, you are speaking in riddles. I don’t know what you’re trying to tell me.”
“The flowers and the trees are the life still left inside of you, Ellie. That life has never left you, it’s always been there waiting on you to be ready again, and for the rain to come around. Waiting for the hope it needs to grow. You are the soil, the heart that life resides in. Nik is the rain, the hope that could let you live again.”
I couldn’t find the words to respond inside the swirl of emotions I was feeling. All I could think of was Scott saying Nik was a gentle rain.
“I can hear it in your voice when you talk about him,” she’d said, breaking me out of my haze. “Something I’ve never heard from you before, something I was afraid I never would. It’s hope. You have hope again, my dear. I think Nik is that hope, and when you have that you also have the desire to live. You cannot have one without the other.”
“I don’t know—”
“You went to Savannah to die, to take your own life, but you’ve changed your mind, haven’t you?” she asked.
“Wait, how did you know that?” I had thought none of them knew.
“Dear, your friends and I are not blind. We had tried everything we could to help you, and nothing had worked. We knew you were done and couldn’t take anymore. So, we let you go without a fight because we couldn’t stand to see you keep suffering. None of us wanted to lose you, but we wanted you to finally have peace,” she said, her voice full of sorrow.
All of them had known and they still let me go. I couldn’t believe it.
“That doesn’t mean we haven’t all been praying and wishing for a miracle to happen, Ellie, and it seems all that praying and wishing worked.”
“You think I should stay, don’t you?”
“Absolutely, I do!” she said. “It may not be easy, but sweetheart, why would you walk away when you have another chance? You are so strong and so brave, Ellie. I know you don’t see it, but you are. Please don’t give up now,” she begged me. “Call Brandon and Anna. Ask them what they think, I promise you they will say the same.”
“But what about Josh and… I feel like I’m cheating on them, forgetting about them or pretending they never existed at all. It makes me feel horrible, Vicky.”
“Ellie, listen to me. I’ve told you this before, and I will say it however many more times I need to until you listen and believe me. You will never forget them. I know you aren’t pretending they don’t exist either. That’s not who you are. Lastly, and most importantly, none of your family would ever fault you for moving on, and finding happiness again. If you could bring each and every person you have lost back for a few minutes to ask them if you should see where this thing with Nik goes, they would all say yes. Every single one of them,” she told me, using her mom voice again.
“I know all of that in my head. Well, at least I think I do, but my heart is having a much harder time.”
“Do you honestly think any of those people who loved you dearly would want you to be so unhappy that you wanted to take your own life?”
“No,” I whispered.
“Would you be mad at Josh for moving on if it had been you who had died instead?” she asked again.
“No, I would want him to be happy, and have someone to take care of him,” I answered without a second thought.
“Exactly,” she said. “You have another chance, Ellie. Please don’t let it slip through your fingers.”
I talked to her a few more minutes, promising I would call her again in a few days before we said goodnight. It was ten thirty by then, but I knew Brandon would still be up. I got lucky and caught him and Anna both at his house. He put the phone on speaker so we could all talk.
I went through my last few days with them, too, and got lots of loud–’the fucks?’, ‘holy shits!’, and ‘you’re kidding me’s?’–during my story, much to my amusement. I had really needed their antics that night.
They were worried about me at first, but once I told them about helping Rachael give Nik a sponge bath the day before they were begging me to give them every detail and giggling like we did in high school. “Tell us everything. It’s no fair you’re getting some and we’re not,” Brandon had prodded me.
“I am not getting any, Brandon, you hush that! Nik and I are just friends,” I scolded him.
“Yeah, I hear you. I know you saw somethin’, I can tell by your voice. Spill it,” he laughed at me.
“All right. Do y’all remember that movie Far and Away where Nicole Kidman walks in and Tom Cruise is asleep naked on the bed, with a bowl over his bits? That’s what it was like, except Nik is way better looking than Tom Cruise, and I was good, and didn’t sneak a peek under the bowl like she did,” I laughed.
“Why the hell not, girl? I sure as hell would’ve!” Brandon yelled.
“Me, too!” Anna chirped.
Laughing, I told them what I had done instead.
I stop in my tracks and almost choke when I walk into his room. He’s stark naked except for having a small towel, a very small one, over his privates. I think it’s actually more of a washcloth, that or what’s hiding underneath is big enough to make the cloth look small.
Sweet baby Jesus and the merciful heavens save me, this man’s body is a work of art.
I figured he’d be very easy on the eyes, I’ve caught a few glimpses already, but I never dreamed what seeing all of him, laying in a bed no less, would do to me. My heart is lodged in my throat and threatening to rip it open it’s beating so hard and fast. My breath is gone one second, and I’m almost panting the next. My knees have gone a little weak, and the worst of all is the traitorous ache I feel deep between my thighs.
“Now that’s a sight, ain’t it?” Rachael whispers in my ear, making me yelp.
“Rachael!”
“Alright. I’m sorry, I’ll behave, but I had to say something. It’s not possible to see him and not say something.”
I pinch my lips together to keep from voicing my own inappropriate thoughts, then glare at her. “Are you positive you really need me? I’m not sure about this.”
“I do need you. We’re short of help today and he needs this bath. His sheets need changing too. This is the only way to do it. He knows he’s getting one and I covered up his manly bits.” She flaps her hand towards those bits. “It’ll be less painful for him and quicker for me if you help. Now pretend it’s a job and he’s an ugly old man,” she says, handing me a warm, soapy sponge.
“Yeah, like that’s possible,” I mutter under my breath.
She just laughs at me. “You take this side, I’ll take that one,” she says, walking over to his left.
With a deep, shaky breath I get started with his neck, very gently and carefully bathing his golden skin. In no time at all, my mind is in the gutter, and I can’t help but imagine my lips and tongue kissing the same soft places I’m washing. I wonder if he has a sensitive spot under his ear like I do, and how it would make me feel if I caused him to shiver and moan when I found it.
Running the sponge over the dips and curves of the smooth muscles of his upper arm and down over the dark blonde hair covering his tanned forearm, I imagine feeling it holding me tightly to his body as he hugs me. Thrown over my waist as he falls asleep spooned against my back. Draped over my shoulders as we walk down the street together. I can even see him in his white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up, his forearms practically begging me to rub my hands up and down them.
What the hell is it that makes that such a sexy sight anyway? They’re only arms for Pete’s sake!
Whatever it is, I can’t deny it makes my heart beat faster. I rinse the sponge and quickly do his hand, being careful of his IV lines. I’ve already had a few dirty thoughts imaging his hands holding and touching me, but I almost drop this one when I think of his long fingers slipping inside me and making me moan for him.
I clear my throat, shake my head, and move to his chest. I know I have no hope of doing this without my gutter brain taking over so I go with it and try not to enjoy myself too much. Rachael is working her way up his leg, humming to herself, and not showing me a bit of attention.
Starting with his shoulder, I run the sponge slowly over the firm muscle then across his collarbone and down the center of his pecs. I knew he was a big guy, but I hadn’t realized how wide his shoulders really were until now. They aren’t huge and muscular the way Cash’s are, and I’m glad of that fact. Lean muscle is better than bulky muscle in my opinion.
An image of him flashes into my mind. He’s above me and I can see every muscle and tendon of his neck and shoulders stretch and ripple as he moves on top of me in a deep, steady rhythm, his strong arms holding him up so he can look down at me. His eyes are like blue flames his stare is so intense.
Almost whimpering out loud, I turn back around, and take a few deep breaths before rinsing the sponge out. His abs are waiting on me when I face him again. Instead of a six-pack, they’re more like an eight, and instead of using the sponge, I want to rub my hands over those muscles to feel every rise and dip slide under my wet, soapy fingers.
Lord help me, I have a serious problem where this man is concerned. Just wash him, Ellie and move on, it’s not that hard.
I smooth the sponge over his washboard stomach as fast I can, quick, but gentle. Next, I run it down his side, freezing when I realize it’s time to wash below his waist. His arms and chest are one thing, I’ve seen most of them over the last several days. His slim hips, that deep V my tongue is begging me to lick, and what I now can see will be a delicious ass if I ever get a full view of it, are another story altogether. I felt pervy enough getting to this point. These parts of him, well, they should only be seen and touched by someone who loves him. Someone he loves back.
I can’t do this anymore, it’s not right.
I toss the sponge in the bowl and hurry out the door, telling Rachael I’m sorry.
Brandon and Anna wanted to fuss at me for quitting just when I was getting to the good part, but they understood my reluctance. I finally told them goodnight, and fell asleep the second I closed my eyes.
Naturally, I dreamt of Nik–naked Nik. Like his bath, it ended right before the good part. Only that time a ringing phone stopped me instead of my morals.
I knew with my luck it was probably a wrong number, but I felt around on the bed until I found the phone and pried my eyes open. It was 3:17 a.m. My heart faltered when I saw it was Leia’s number. I said a prayer to God to please let him be okay then answered.
“Hello?”
“Ellie.” I wasn’t expecting it, but I was so glad to hear him.
“Nik? What’s wrong? Are you okay? It’s not your leg, is it? Are they taking you back to surgery?”
“I’m okay, Ellie. My leg is fine, too,” he said quietly.
“Oh, thank God,” I whispered. “But, Nik, it’s three am, if everything’s okay why are you calling?”
He was quiet for several long seconds, then took a deep breath. “Leia told me I upset you, and made you leave.”
I decided right then I was going to strangle her the second I got close enough. I had no idea why in the hell would she tell him that. “No. That’s not what happened. She shouldn’t have told you that. I didn’t leave because of anything you did, I only came home to rest. She should have told you that we agreed to take turns at night staying with you while she was here. Tonight’s her night to stay and mine to come home. I promise that’s all it was,” I tried to assure him.
We had come up with that plan, but I was supposed to be with him tonight, not her. When she saw how rattled I was she had told me to go on home.
“Regardless, I yelled at you, and I jerked my arm away from you, too. I’m sorry if I hurt you or scared you in any way. I swear I didn’t mean to. I called because I needed you to know that,” he said, sounding dejected.
Leia was number one on my shit list right then.
“It’s okay, Nik. I promise. I know you didn’t mean it. We all knew the morphine was making you upset. I don’t blame you at all, okay? I know it wasn’t the real you. Why on earth would you save me, and then turn around and be mean to me? You wouldn’t. I know that’s not who you are, and I didn’t leave to stay away for good either. I’m coming back. My alarm’s set for six, so I can get back up there early.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“I’m very sure.”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Do you want me to go ahead and come back now? I can if you want me to,” I’d offered. I shouldn’t have, but he sounded so pitiful I couldn’t help myself.
“No, that’s okay. You need to rest. I’m sorry I woke you up. I should have waited until you got back, but I…I needed you to know.”
“Thank you. You didn’t need to apologize, but I appreciate it anyway,” I told him softly.
“Okay, I should let you get back to sleep. Goodnight, Ellie,” he said, his voice getting deeper. I figured his meds were pulling him under.
“Goodnight, Nik, I’ll see you soon,” I whispered.
“Sweet dreams,” he whispered back, then the phone went dead.
A few hours later I was at the hospital, and confronting Leia about upsetting him. She sort of took the wind out of my sails when she told me Nik woke up more than a little upset because he had dreamed about yelling at all of us. She said he remembered it clearly once he was good and awake, and after apologizing to her, he had insisted on calling me. He had been worried I was really upset and not sleeping because of it, and wanted to apologize and make sure I was okay.
As if I needed another reason for this man to endear himself to me anymore.
Thank goodness, the rest of the week has gone much smoother for all of us since then. We’ve kept it as light and happy as possible, avoiding anything that puts a damper on things. Because of that, I still haven’t told Nik my story. I catch him looking at me with concern sometimes, but he hasn’t asked me about my past. I guess we’ll wait until we get him settled at his house. It’s not set in stone yet, but it looks like I may be going with him.
It was all Cash’s idea, but he neglected to run it by me before he brought it up in front of Nik. We were talking about what he would need once he got out of here–a hospital bed, wheelchair, a home nurse and such. Then Cash opened his big mouth and said, “You’ve already got you a great nurse. Ellie can just go home with you.”
I almost panicked, and ran right then and there, but Nik turned those big, blue puppy-dog eyes on me, and I couldn’t tell him no. I sputtered out a ‘we’ll see how it goes’ while giving him my crazy Ellie smile. He hasn’t hushed about ‘us’ going home since. I haven’t quit panicking about it.