ELLIE
I RUN BACK TO THE nurses’ lounge and straight into bathroom, locking the door behind me, then sink to the floor. The fear, anger, and sadness are trying to take control, but I’m not gonna let them. I just need a few minutes. Just a few to get myself to calm down. I’m not gonna let it happen this time. Not today.
“Breathe, Ellie. Find something to count.” I hear Vicky’s voice in my head.
Looking up at the shower tiles, I follow her advice.
In–one, two, three, four, five. Out–six, seven, eight, nine. In–ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen. Out–fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen.
Over and over I breathe and count until I run out of tiles. There are two hundred and six of them. I feel better since the fear and sadness have lessened considerably, but the anger has expanded to take their place.
“Dammit all to hell!” I scream, pounding my fists against the cold floor. “I didn’t want him to find out that way,” I sigh out loud, leaning my head against the wall.
Meeting Leia went exactly like I was afraid it would–horribly. Scott told me he would explain things to her, obviously she didn’t like his explanation.
“Shit, shit, shit!” I pound at the floor again. I can’t hide in here, and make her think I’m some weeping willow, even if I am. I may have to pretend, but all she’s gonna see from now on is a steel magnolia. I pick myself up off the floor, and go to the sink to splash some cool water on my face. I dry off, take a deep breath, and head out the door to face Tornado Leia. Lacey is coming out of Nik’s room when I make it around the nurses’ station.
“Hey, how’s he doing?”
She smiles sadly at me making my heart squeeze with worry for him.
“He’ll be all right, hon. He’s sleeping again. But whatever was going on in there had him really worked up, and his pain kicked into overdrive. I’m going to put in an order for a morphine pump right now. Ticks me off Peterson didn’t get him one to start with.” she says angrily, heading back to her desk.
“There were too many of us in there. I’m sorry. I should have left as soon as his sister walked in,” I tell her, leaning over the counter as she types away.
“I think she was the problem, but I told her and Cash that only one of you is allowed back here at a time. We’re gonna keep the visits short, too. The next couple of weeks are gonna be really hard for Nik. He doesn’t need any more stress.” She looks up at me, her brows furrowed. “I know you already understand that, hon. I’m not fussing at you, I swear.”
I like Lacey almost as much as Rachael. Thankfully, they’ll be swapping shifts back and forth for the next week at least.
“It’s okay. You’re completely right. Nik should come first for all of us right now.”
She reaches up, pats my hand, then goes back to typing. “I sent them all to the waiting room, if you want to join ‘em.”
I let out a big sigh. “I honestly don’t, but I probably better.”
She chuckles and gives me an understanding look. “I’ll let you know if anything changes with him.”
“Thanks, Lacey.” I wave at her as I walk out.
Lord, please help me keep myself together, and my sass to a minimum. Amen.
Praying helped yesterday when I was heading down this hall, maybe it will today. But, just like yesterday too, I hear my name pop up in a very heated discussion. This time, however, I don’t hover in the hallway eavesdropping. I walk right in and cause crickets to start chirping.
They’re all staring at me with several different expressions on their faces. Scott is embarrassed, the poor thing. Cash is very frustrated, but that look is only for Leia. I get his guilty one once he quits trying to kill her with his eyes.
Leia, well, she’s... Hurt? Angry? Scared? Sad? They all flash across her features in quick succession. I can understand them all. I can also see that, like I did with Cash, I’m gonna have to earn her trust.
“Leia, I think maybe you and I should start from scratch. Would you like to go downstairs and get something to eat with me?” I ask her as nicely as possible.
Her eyes widen a fraction at my invitation and then even wider because of Scott and Cash’s immediate protests.
“Ellie, I don’t think—”
“That’s not a good idea—”
I hold my hand up and wait for them to hush. It doesn’t take long. “We’re big girls who can take care of ourselves, boys. You both know Leia and I need to talk, so please let us handle it.”
Scott hangs his head a bit then nods at me when he looks back up. Cash lets out one of his loud sighs. “Fine, but I really need to speak to you first, Ellie. Alone, please?” he asks.
“Try not to keep her too long, Cash. I’m starving,” Leia tells him. “Scott, will you take me downstairs?” Without waiting for an answer, she starts for the door. When she reaches me, she stops and stares at me hard for a moment, her face stony. Whether she’s trying to size me up or scare me, I’m not sure. I don’t really care either. I smile back sweetly at her.
“I’ll be down in a minute,” I tell her, my voice as sweet as sugar.
Kill ‘em with kindness, Aunt Maggie always said.
Her beautiful face twists into an ugly grimace and she walks away. Scott trails after her, his expression full of apology.
“She’ll come around,” he whispers to me as he passes by.
Once they’re gone, I sit down with a sigh, and rub my face a bit before looking over at Cash. He’s sitting right across from me, leaning over with his elbows on his knees.
“I’m really sorry, Ellie. She can be difficult on the best of days, and like me, she’s angry and scared. Probably more like terrified, actually. He’s all she has left. They can both be extremely protective of each other because of that. It’s gonna take some time for her to warm up to you,” he tells me with the most kindness I’ve heard from him yet.
“Thanks. I knew things probably wouldn’t be easy with her. I’m gonna go talk to her, and see if I can get her to listen to my side of things. She needs to hear it from me I think.”
“I bet you’re right. Woman to woman may be best. Don’t let her push you around too bad though, and remember her bark is worse than her bite,” he says with a smirk.
I smile back. “I’m not so sure about that yet, but we’ll see. I think I’ll go home for a few days—”
“NO! You can’t leave!” he hollers and grabs my knees in a tight grip, almost giving me a heart attack.
“What the hell, Cash?”
He quickly lets go, holding his hands up. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, but you can’t leave yet. Nik begged me to make sure you stayed after you ran out,” he explains.
“He did?” I ask, hating how unsure, yet hopeful my voice sounds.
He nods his head. “He wanted me to check on you, and make sure you stayed. He told Leia she had to fix things with you, too. He wants you to stick around.”
I take a minute to let those words sink in, and to figure out how they make me feel. Scared, hopeful, confused–the same as Nik always makes me feel.
Cash sticks his foot out and bumps mine. “And don’t forget, you told us, and him, you’d stay if he wanted you to.”
Why did I ever say that? Why? I can’t stay here, I can’t.
I get up and pace the room, my arms crossed tight while I chew on my thumbnail.
“Ellie?” Cash calls softly.
I spin around and face him, throwing my hands out. “Look, I know I said that. I know I did, but that was nuts. I got all emotional, and worked up and said stuff I shouldn’t have. I’m a stranger, for heaven’s sake. You said it yourself, y’all don’t know anything about me. Yes, I owe him my life, but he’s still a stranger to me, too. The idea is crazy.”
He gets up and walks over to where I am, his face soft and kind. So unlike our first meeting. “Do you want to stay?” he asks.
My eyes drop to the floor as I curse them for tearing up, my shirt clenched tight in my fists. “Yes. I don’t want to leave him. It would drive me insane not knowing if he was okay or not, but it may be less stressful for him if she isn’t so bent out of shape because I’m around. I only want to do what’s best for him.”
“Leia is always bent out of shape, no matter what, Ellie,” he says, “Listen, I truly think you may be what’s best for him. What you two went through yesterday is not something any of us can even begin to understand. What if he starts having some kind of PTSD from it? You could help him better with that than any of us could.”
I flinch at his PTSD comment, unable to hide it from him.
“Shit. I’m sorry.” He groans and runs his fingers through his thick hair, then down to rub the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean...I only meant because you went through it with him. Not because of your attack.”
I try not to react again, and keep my face neutral, but I fail.
“Shit. I’m gonna stop now. I’m sorry.” He sighs and turns around, walking across the room.
“Cash, it’s okay. I know you didn’t mean anything bad by it.”
He stops pacing and faces me, his arms crossed over his bulging chest. He’s a really good-looking guy, but I much prefer Nik’s lean build.
Okay, where the hell did that come from?
I shake myself, and get back to the conversation. “I honestly didn’t even think about Nik possibly having any anxiety about the robbery, believe it or not. I always figure I’m the only person that gets freaked out and has attacks. So, you actually do have a point. I may be able to help if that ever came up for him, but I hope to God for his sake it doesn’t.”
Cash looks over at me, his eyes gentle. I appreciate it, and hate it all at the same time.
“So, you’ll stay? You won’t go home right now?” he asks, still slightly worried.
“I guess not,” I whisper.
“You promise you’re not gonna run off, and leave him when he needs you?”
“I wasn’t going to leave for good. I was gonna come back! I was just going to give him and Leia some time without me hanging around. I’d never leave him if he didn’t want me to!” I say with enough anger to surprise even myself.
He laughs at me, which only succeeds in making me angrier–until it doesn’t anymore.
“Kiss my ass. I got enough problems without you messing with me,” I fuss at him, grinning as my anger turns into laughter.
He laughs with me and waves towards the door. “Come on, missy. I’ll take you downstairs.”
I get up and follow him out. “Shouldn’t we give Lacey our numbers in case she needs any of us? What if something happens while we’re downstairs?” I ask, my worry coming to the surface.
“Already done. I gave her our numbers when I got here.”
“Oh, okay then. I can’t stall anymore, can I?” I pout.
He smiles over at me as we step up to the elevator. “I’m not worried a bit, you’ll handle Miss Leia just fine.”
“Glad someone isn’t.”
We ride in silence until we get downstairs, but he stops me before we get off. “I’ll go back upstairs, and let y’all talk.”
“You know what? Stay. There’s some things you don’t know yet, and I really don’t want to have to do this over and over again. Do me a favor though. If Leia gets an attitude with me, let me handle it, okay?”
He holds up two fingers and waves them at me. “I promise. Scouts honor.”
“Let’s get this over with then.”
We find Leia and Scott already sitting down with their food.
“Tell me what you want, and I’ll go get it for you,” Cash offers.
“Oh, thanks. Um, something with some protein will be fine. Chicken, beef, whatever they have.”
Once he walks away Leia looks up at me. “You two sure are chummy,” she says with a smirk, and not a nice one either.
“He’s a good guy, but you should have been here yesterday afternoon. He hated me almost as much as you do, right Scott?” I wink at him.
He chokes on his water, his eyes huge behind his glasses as they look at me. It takes a few minutes of patting him on the back until he can breathe again.
“You all right? I thought for a second there we were gonna have to find a doctor.”
“Yeah...yeah, I’m good,” he laughs, then coughs a bit more.
We sit in tension filled silence until Cash walks up with our food a few minutes later.
“So, you hated her yesterday, but today you’re besties?” Leia starts in on him, before he has his butt in the seat.
He goes still, and looks at her with obvious irritation. “What did Nik ask you to do before we left him? That you promised him you’d do, I might add,” he says, sounding like a stern father would as he passes over my plate.
She deflates a bit, and stares down at her salad before meeting his eyes again. “I promised him I would fix my fuck up.”
“Then fix it, princess,” he says, digging into his food.
It’s quick, but she cuts him the evil eye, playing the guilty teenage daughter to his angry father almost perfectly. It’s plain to see now that attitude and bravado are Leia’s defense mechanisms, and that they don’t work on Cash at all. She looks up at me, and I actually see regret in her beautiful blue eyes that remind me a lot of Nik’s.
Before she speaks, I stop her, holding up my hand. “It’s okay. I understood Cash’s hesitancy about me yesterday, and I understand yours, too. I’m a complete stranger to you, of course you’d be wary of me.”
She considers my words for a moment then shakes her head. “I still shouldn’t have said what I did, or acted that way, so for that, I’m sorry.”
I’m shocked at her sincerity, but recover enough to give her a smile. “Thank you, Leia.”
She nods her golden head and sighs. “He wasn’t happy with me when I left, and that breaks my heart. I’ll give you a fair chance if you being here will help him feel better. But if you hurt him in any way, all bets are off.”
“Understood. It’s clear how much you love your brother, how much you all love him. He’s blessed to have all of you, and I promise I have absolutely no intention of using him or hurting him in any way. That’s the last thing I want.
“He saved me. I owe him my life. My intention is only to show him my gratitude and return the sacrifice he made for me, if that’s at all possible. I don’t think it is. There’s nothing I can say or do to make him understand what he did for me yesterday. I’m gonna do my best though, but only for as long as he wants me here. I’ll be gone the second he doesn’t.”
“Don’t count on that happening anytime soon,” Cash mutters under his breath.
Leia and I both give him a confused glance, but choose to keep quiet. I look over at Scott who’s sitting nervously beside me. It must be Leia that has him tied in knots, because he wasn’t near this uptight yesterday.
“How much did you tell her about me so I know what needs to be filled in?” I ask him.
“Uh, only the highlights. I had a hard time getting a word in edgewise,” he says, grinning.
I smile back, and pat his shoulder before giving Leia my attention. “Okay, so…I didn’t have time to tell him about myself yesterday before those assholes ruined our day. Before they came in we’d been talking maybe five or six minutes, max. Some friendly conversation while we waited. We mostly talked about his job. He didn’t ask my marriage status, and I didn’t offer it. I guess he assumed because of my ring. I haven’t had a chance to explain it to him here either, but I will as soon as I can. For right now, I’ll explain it to you. If you want,” I tell her.
She nods her head. “Please.”
I take a sip of the tea Cash got for me, and a deep breath, then let the words start to flow. “I’m from Tennessee. I grew up in a tiny little town called Copperhill. My parents and sister died when I was seven. Our house burned down in the middle of the night. They said it was a space heater. I’d been at a sleepover, or I wouldn’t be here either.
“After that my great-aunt took me in. She was the only family I had left. She died of a stroke when I was eighteen. I met my husband Josh right after. His parents were older, he was their only child, and they were thrilled when we got together. They treated me like their own from the beginning. I had a family again. We married, and things were great for a while. Then Josh’s dad had a massive heart attack. His mother was gone six months later from cancer.” I pause and take another deep breath. They’re all looking at me with pity. I stare down at my food, and push it around my plate.
“My in-laws left us well off, so if you’re worried I’m here for Nik’s money, don’t be. It’s the last thing I need,” I say, glancing at Leia. I go back to playing with my food doing my best to keep it together. I haven’t spoken the next part out loud in a long time. I take another drink of tea to help wash down the lump in my throat, then take a deep breath before blowing it out slowly.
“Eighteen months after his mama passed, Josh…Josh was killed. The other guy fell asleep at the wheel, and hit the truck. It flipped a dozen times. He was thrown out. Died instantly, they said.”
Cash reaches a hand over to comfort me, but I shake my head, and he quickly pulls it back. I wipe my eyes, and take another drink of tea, wishing for a split second it was something much stronger.
“Just like that, I was alone again. Needless to say, it left me in a dark place. My depression was so severe I spent the next seven months basically catatonic. If it wasn’t for my two best friends I’d be long gone. They stayed, and did their best to keep me alive until they couldn’t stand to see me that way anymore.
“They got me into a grief treatment center in Atlanta. I was there for almost a year trying to learn how to function again. The depression lifted somewhat, but the anxiety and panic attacks took up the slack. I finally went back home and tried to live again, but after three months I couldn’t do it anymore. I was done fighting. I came here a week ago with the intention of killing myself.”
That sits them all back in their seats, each one giving me a look of shock. I attempt to ignore the stares and keep going.
“I got some paperwork settled with my lawyer, packed a bag for appearance’s sake, and hopped a plane to Savannah. Josh’s family has owned a vacation house here since the early nineteen hundreds. It seemed like as good a place as any. I didn’t want to hurt my friends more than I had to. I knew it would take them awhile to figure it out. They would get a phone call instead of finding my body. So, for the past week I’ve sat in that house staring at a big bottle of sleeping pills sitting on the nightstand. For some reason, I hadn’t taken them yet.”
I look up again, Cash and Scott are staring at me. They both lower their heads when I make eye contact, but when I meet Leia’s, she doesn’t look away. I can see the understanding in them. She knows exactly what it’s like to lose people you love, and I’d bet what it’s like to think about taking your own life because of it. I hold her gaze and finish my story.
“I couldn’t figure out why I hadn’t gone through with it yet, until yesterday when I met Nik. He stirred something in me, even in those short few minutes. He was so full of life, his eyes sparkled with it. It scared me, made me angry, and hopeful all at once. Then those assholes showed up, and the first thing your brother did was try to protect me.
“He thought a complete stranger was worth risking his life for. For some insane reason, he thought I was worth that enormous risk. I know I wasn’t, but he meant to save me, and he did. Thing is, he knows he saved me physically, but he has no idea how he saved me here,” I tell her with my hand over my heart.
“I don’t want to tell him all of this yet. He needs to concentrate on getting better, not on me and my pitiful self. I’ll let him know I’m a widow, but that’s all for now. Okay? If he still wants me around after he’s better, then I’ll tell him. Will y’all agree to that?”
One by one they nod their heads in agreement, however none of them seem to think it’s for the best, especially Cash.
“I don’t think we should lie to him Ellie,” he says, proving my suspicion. “He won’t be happy about it when he finds out.”
“None of us will really be lying to him. He has enough stress to deal with. I don’t intend to add to it by giving him my sob story. I’m pretty sure he’s the type that will worry more about me and my stress than his own. I’ll tell him, but not until he’s doing better, okay?”
He lets out yet another of his big sighs. “Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn ya.”
I open my mouth to fuss back, but my phone rings. My heart clenches when I see it’s a hospital number.
“It must be Lacey,” I tell them, putting it on speaker. “Is he okay?” I ask without saying hello.
“He’s the same, but the orthopedic surgeon showed up sooner than we thought he would. He wants him in surgery right away. Nik really wants to see y’all before they take him back.”
“Tell him we’re coming right now.”
We’re up and halfway to the elevator by the time I hang up.