NIK
HAVING ELLIE IN MY ARMS after wanting her there all week feels perfect. Not to mention I’m fairly certain she just agreed to give us a try. The fact that she has only responded to the last part of my little speech with silence isn’t so great.
I wait out her hesitation with the patience I promised her, but it isn’t easy. This woman is doing things to me I have never experienced. Everything about her is a paradox, including my reactions to her; nothing but constant contradictions–wonderful highs, mixed with heartbreaking lows.
Her heart is huge, but it’s full of so much pain. She’s incredibly strong, yet incredibly fragile, too. She reminds me of a beautiful little hummingbird. Every time you see it come near, you want a closer look, but it’s so tiny and skittish it vanishes from sight the moment you get too close, fearing you mean it harm. I can touch her, but not too much. I can look at her, but I can’t look at her the way I want to. I can talk to her, but can’t ask what I want to know most.
I need her close, need her to be mine, but that need is clouded with worry and doubt, for both of us. Her feelings for me are hidden by a fog, like the ones that float above dark and twisting lonely roads. I can easily tell she doesn’t trust them, or mine for that matter, and she’s deathly afraid of risking her heart again.
Who could blame her, with all the people she’s lost?
That doesn’t deter me though. I want to break through her walls even more.
I thought being stuck in bed with all this pain was enough to drive me mad, adding these insane levels of emotional and sexual tension on top of it? Maddening and immensely frustrating is how I would describe it.
One minute I feel like I’ve lost my mind for wanting her so intensely this soon, the next I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t have her as a permanent fixture in my life right now. No woman has ever tied me up so tight before. It’s probably a good thing I’m damaged at the moment, because if I wasn’t I figure I would have embarrassed myself beyond repair, or scared her so bad she would’ve run away screaming.
It scares me to even think about it.
I never thought I’d be thankful about getting shot, but it’s helped keep me somewhat in control where she’s concerned. I can’t help but be grateful. Not only did it pave the way for her to come into my life, but it’s allowing me to take things at a speed I normally wouldn’t have. A speed she desperately needs to move at.
The way we met was beyond screwed up. If we last it will certainly be a story to tell our grandchildren, that’s for sure. It’s one that will be told for generations.
Did I seriously just imagine us having grandchildren?
That right there is what I mean. My feelings for her have hit me like tsunami, and washed me all the way to growing old with her. We’ve known each other all of two weeks. Fourteen damn days, and I’ve already fallen so far, I’m like Alice landing with a thump at the bottom of the rabbit hole.
Call me Nik in Ellieland, or if you like a more modern spin on things, it’s like being put in some chick flick as the romantic lead, and forced to feel everything at breakneck speed so our happily ever after can be reached before the movie ends in an hour and a half.
My head is certainly spinning, but it’s always pictures or thoughts of her that spin around with it. Very little of my past mixes with her either. Our future is front and center in my mind.
I had no clue my life was going to irrevocably change the moment I walked into that Starbucks. Getting shot was not something I ever thought would happen to me. I’m certain it’s going to be a rather large dip in the road of my life, but meeting Ellie is where the big changes have originated from. Surprisingly, I’m content with those changes, and even looking forward to more. As long as she’s a part of them.
“Thank you,” she says, breaking her silence, her quiet voice reaching my ears.
I wait for her to say more, still running my fingers through her silky hair, but when she doesn’t, I decide I’d better. “Whatever it is you’re thanking me for, it isn’t necessary.”
She sits up, and looks at me with red puffy eyes full of pain, but they’re shining with determination, too, giving me another view of the enigma she is. It breaks my heart as always.
“It is necessary, Nik,” she protests softly, lowering her eyes to her lap. “You have no idea how much I’ve needed to hear the things you just said. I didn’t even know how much I needed them.” She looks up again. “So, thank you. For them, and for everything else you’ve done for me in the last two weeks,” she says, cupping one of my cheeks and giving a soft kiss to the other.
I stop her from going too far, sliding my hand around the side of her neck, and pressing one to her cheek. Rubbing my thumb over the spot my lips just left, I stare into her eyes. “I could say the same you, know?”
She shakes her head and lays her hand over mine, pulling it away enough to kiss my palm. “No. You can’t. We won’t be even for a very long time, if ever.” I start to argue, but she puts a finger over my lips. “Nope. Next subject,” she says, then snuggles back into my side.
I huff with amusement, but see no need to stir that pot. I’ll stir a different one instead. “I was thinking, maybe we should stay at your place instead of mine.”
She cranes her neck back to look up at me, her brows furrowed. “Why? I thought you wanted to go home to your house?”
I know the thought of us going to my house caused her to have an attack this morning. While I really don’t think it was my house that did it–more than likely it was the fear of us being totally alone–I want her to be as comfortable as possible. So, I’ll paint it as a better fit for me and my recovery, which I guess if I really think about, it is.
“I miss home, but you and I both know the stairs are going to be too much for me to handle. I’ll be stuck to one floor. My shop will be calling to me constantly, and it’ll make me really cranky that I can’t get down there. Same for my bed. Maybe if I’m away from the temptation it won’t be so hard to cope with.”
“Cash told you he could get the chair on your staircase if you wanted.”
“Ellie, I don’t think you realize how much I love that staircase. It’s over a hundred years old. It’d be a sin to mar it in any way. It makes my neck tight just thinking about it. Besides, that would only get me to my bedroom, not my shop.”
That part of my argument was most definitely true. Nobody is screwing with my staircase.
“Well, if my place is where you want to go, that’s fine with me, but it isn’t near as nice as yours. It hasn’t been updated since the seventies, and there are still stairs you’ll have to deal with to get in. You’re so big I don’t even know if you’ll fit in the showers, or any of the beds,” she warns me.
Damn, I was hoping there was only one bed there. Oh, well.
“I don’t care about it being old. Cash can roll me up the stairs in the wheelchair. I can sleep corner to corner on the bed, and I’ll need a chair thing to sit on in the tub anyway. I’m still way too unsteady to stand up that long. Falling in the shower would not be a good idea right now,” I point out, trying to tip the scales a little more to my side.
“What about your therapy, Roxie, and Leia coming?” she says, trying one more time to dissuade me.
I’m beginning to think she does want to stay at my place. Maybe I read her wrong.
“Where do you want us to go? Where would you be most comfortable?” I ask, not wanting to make a mistake and screw things up from the get go. She needs to feel safe and at ease.
“Nik, this isn’t about my comfort. I’m not the one recuperating, you are. I’ll go wherever’s best for you. We just need to figure out where that is, so answer my question,” she prods me.
I let out a sigh.
Stubborn woman always wants to put me first.
“Jake said he can get a PT to come to me, and if you’re okay with it, Roxie can stay with us. She’s housebroken. If not, Stan won’t mind keeping her. Leia will be fine at my house. She always stays with me when she’s in town,” I say, hoping that’s the end of the arguments.
“Did the docs say when you’re getting outta here?”
“Wednesday afternoon is the plan. I need a few more days to come off the morphine, and they’re taking out all my stitches and staples tomorrow or the next day.”
She sits back up, and looks at me with her beautiful face all scrunched up. “Ouch!”
“Yeah, my thoughts exactly. I’m not looking forward to it.”
“I’ll stay and hold your hand till it’s over,” she says, smiling sweetly at me.
I laugh a little and kiss her temple. “Thank you.”
“Well, I had better get the house in order, and get some groceries then.”
“You’re okay with it?” I ask, to be sure, tucking some hair behind her ear. “I never really asked, I sort of invited myself. Sorry.”
She shrugs. “No, it’s okay. I’m fine with it. It’s only a house to me. It’s not like you’ll be intruding into my sanctuary or anything. It’s almost as new to me as it will be to you. Until two weeks ago I’d only stayed there one other time. I think you’ll like the view from the back porch, the marshes are beautiful when the tide’s up,” she tells me.
“You’re sure? We can do my house if you’d rather,” I backtrack a bit.
“I’m sure. I promise,” she answers with her smile still in place.
“All right, if you’re sure, thank you. I bet it’ll be a nice peaceful place to get back to normal in.”
I pull her hand up to my lips and kiss her fingers. I’d really rather kiss her perfect lips again, but I’ve pushed her enough today.
It’s Wednesday morning, and in a few hours Ellie and I will be leaving this hellhole. I hope I never have to grace one of its beds again. She should be here soon so the docs can go over everything with us before we leave. Cash’s coming, too, to help her with my transport. She’s been in a tizzy since we made the decision to go to her place. I’ve hardly seen her the last three days. I keep telling her to stop worrying about the house, but so far she hasn’t listened to me. I decided to just let her do her thing.
I have Leia so I know not to get in the way of a woman on a mission. It’s a sure-fire way to get your ass chewed out.
I’m sitting here waiting since my nurse, Miss Nettie, helped me take a shower, and get dressed this morning. Neither of which was fun. She scrubs my damaged body a bit too hard for my liking. She doesn’t take any whining about my ‘delicate sensibilities’ as she calls them either.
She told me the first time she helped me take a shower that her ‘big, black, fifty-five year old ass wasn’t interested in my lily-white one. I was ten shades too light for her. And as big as I was I still wasn’t big enough so I needed to get over myself’. I was more red than lily-white during that experience. Whether from embarrassment or holding in laughter, I’m not sure.
We’ve become pros at it this past week, so we got through the routine this morning without any fuss. Having all my stitches and staples out certainly helped.
It’s gonna be Ellie helping me from now on, and I already know that’s gonna be painfully sweet torture. I’m gonna have to keep a constant stream of dead puppies floating through my head for the next several weeks.
Speaking of sweet torture.
“Hey, you. You all ready to go?” Ellie asks as she walks in wearing her nervous smile.
“I couldn’t be more ready if you paid me.” I grin up at her as she comes over and kisses the top of my head. She’s gotten into a habit of doing that since our talk the other day. I’m ready for it to be my lips she kisses every time she sees me.
“I bet not,” she says absent-mindedly, while taking in all my bags on the floor. There’s four so far. “What’s all of this?” she asks, bending over to see for herself, and giving me a lovely view of her ass in the shorts she’s wearing. They’re little blue jean cutoffs, and they fit her like a glove–a very short, tight glove.
Dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies.
Screw dead puppies, I want to grab her with both hands and squeeze.
“Nik?”
“Hmmm?”
“Earth to Nik.”
Shit. Time for evasive maneuvers.
I throw her my biggest smile. “Sorry. I blanked out there for a sec. Did you say something?”
She smiles back at me sweetly, and asks again about the bags.
Crisis averted.
Not long after Rachael and Lacey stopped in to tell us bye. Rachael had visited me a few times, but we hadn’t seen Lacey since leaving the ICU. She and Ellie talk about how things were going with her and Hank while Rachael flirts with me.
She said she’d be glad to be my live-in nurse if things didn’t work out with Ellie. The woman is a hoot, I’ll miss seeing her. They didn’t get to stay long, because my docs came in to go over my meds and stuff, so we hugged them bye, and thanked them a few dozen times before they made it out the door. Ellie wasn’t able to keep all her tears contained, she and Rachael had gotten pretty close while we were up there.
It took a good thirty minutes to finish with Dr. Mason and Dr. T. I have appointments set up already to see them both in ten days. The PT will be coming out to Ellie’s to start working with me Friday, and we have enough aftercare instructions to make a small book. I honestly don’t know who’s more nervous now, me or Ellie. After listening to the docs explain everything it began to sink in how tough the next few weeks will be, pain wise for me, and a lot of hard work for Ellie.
Next thing I know we’re all finished signing papers, and it’s time to blow this joint. Cash came in right after the docs left, and has already headed down to load all my stuff and pull the truck around for us. The orderly helps me get in the wheelchair and a short ride through the halls and a trip down the elevator later, we’re rolling up to Ellie’s black Tahoe as Cash pulls it over to the curb.
I slip my hand into hers, and give it a squeeze as I look up at her with a small smile. “Last chance to back out. You sure you still wanna take care of my temporarily useless ass for the next two months? I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t,” I tell her sincerely.
I really should’ve kept my mouth shut, the poor thing has been fighting back her panic for days, but I want her to know one more time that I don’t expect her to take care of me. She’s done more than enough already in my book. Her life has been too hard as it is, I hate the thought of being the reason it could continue to be. She rolls her eyes at me, feigning exasperation, but I don’t miss the fear she swallows down, or the tremble I can feel in her hand I’m holding.
“I’m not having this conversation again, mister. You’re beating a dead horse, and if you don’t get in that truck and hush, I’ll be beating you,” she sasses, doing her best to hide the shake in her voice. She’s not fooling me a bit.
I should be an honorable guy and call her bluff, but I can’t do it. No more than any of the other countless times I should have. It would mean not seeing her every day, or maybe not ever again, and I can’t bring myself to risk that. It’s completely selfish, but I need to be near her. I squeeze her hand again, and concede to her orders with a wink.
“Okay, Miss Stubborn, I’ll get in the truck.”
Thankfully, Cash is standing there to help me in. It’s a slow painful process, but we get it done. Once I’m settled, Ellie goes around and hops in the driver’s seat, then gets me buckled. I can’t help but lean over, close my eyes, and breathe in the sweet smell of her hair as it brushes by my face.
God, she smells good.
When I open my eyes she’s looking at me with a mix of humor and confusion.
“Did you just smell me, Nikolas Jensen?”
Oops. Might as well fess up.
“I did, and I’m not sorry either. You smell amazing,” I tell her without an ounce of regret. I might have put too much heat in my voice though. She’s blushing like a thirteen year old.
She squeaks out a thank you before turning quickly and buckling herself up. Her blush only gets brighter when she sees Cash grinning at her through her window. She closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath before rolling it down.
“Hello, Cash,” she says politely, despite her embarrassment.
He chuckles at her. “Hey, Ellie. What’s got you so rosy?” he asks, with a big grin still plastered on his face.
“Shut up,” she mutters, making him laugh. She huffs and rolls her eyes. “We need to go by the pharmacy before we go to the house, can you lead the way, please?” she asks, her manners back in place.
“Sure thing.” He glances over at me. “Which one?”
“The Walgreens off eighty.”
“Gotcha. I’ll meet y’all at the entrance, and you can follow me from there, all right?”
“Okie doke,” Ellie says, then drives us over to the entrance to park and wait on him. When she keeps staring silently out the window I decide I better apologize for being so forward with her.
“I’m sorry, Ellie. I shouldn’t have…”
She spins her head around to look my way. “No, don’t apologize. It was sweet. It’s just been a long time, you know? There was never anyone else but him, and then,” she stops and looks down at her lap, “Well, then it was only me and the ghosts,” she finishes with a whisper.
Damn. There is no right way to respond to that one.
As I attempt to try, Cash pulls up and honks his horn, making both of us jump. I let out a groan, my bones aching. “Shithead. When it won’t hurt like a bitch I’m gonna give him a few licks for that.”
“You okay?” Ellie asks, her brows all furrowed with worry.
“I’m all right, but I’m gonna do my best not to jump out of my skin anymore. You better go, he’ll leave you behind if you don’t. He’s not good at leading a pack,” I tell her with a grin.
It takes a bit to get to the pharmacy because we seemed to have caught every red light between the hospital and here. I felt every bump in the road, and all the breaking and accelerating, too. I am really missing the morphine right now, or any pain killer for that matter. I was a dumbass and pocketed my meds instead of taking them earlier.
Idiot, thy name is Nik.
I am greatly regretting being that idiot at the moment. Ellie’s been quiet, concentrating on her driving, and I’ve been doing my best not to let her hear my moans and groans. As easy as she pulls into the parking lot and stops, I have a feeling I’m not hiding it as well as I thought. She turns on a classic rock station on the radio for me and grabs her purse.
“Will you be all right while I run in and get your meds?”
I manage a grin. “Sure thing.” She smiles back, but it’s hesitant. “I’ll be fine, I promise. Cash is right there if I need him,” I assure her, pointing to his truck two spots down from us.
She pauses to give me her ‘stern mama’ look, but then gets out and goes inside. I gently lay my throbbing head back against the seat, and try to concentrate on anything other than the pain. I’m failing miserably though.
This truck is super nice, but I would swear the seats were made of concrete if I didn’t know better. My back, shoulder, neck, and head are majorly protesting their current circumstances. They want to be lying in a soft bed, not pressed against a rock-hard seat.
Lord willing, she’s gonna be back with some pain meds soon.
I see Cash heading my way. He climbs in the driver’s side when he makes it to the truck. “You makin’ it, man?” he asks, “You’re looking a little pale.”
“Hurting like hell, is all. I didn’t take any painkillers before we left.”
“Damn, Nik. That was stupid as shit.” I give him the finger for his trouble. He huffs. “That’s what she’s in there getting, right?”
“Yeah, and antibiotics and some migraine stuff, too, I think. I hope anyway. My head feels like it’s full of ice picks right now.” I’ve never had headaches come on as fast as these damn things do. I didn’t have one ten minutes ago, and now it’s pushing a seven or eight on that pain scale chart that hung in my hospital room.
Dr. Mason told me they should go away with time. I sure as hell hope that time is real fucking soon. I definitely have sympathy for people who have these all the time. I can’t imagine dealing with this much pain on a regular basis.
Ten minutes later Ellie’s walking back towards the truck with several little white paper bags in her hands, and a bigger plastic one, too.
Hallelujah.
Cash jumps out and holds the door for her. “He needs something for his head if they gave him anything,” he tells her as she climbs in.
“They did, and I got you a snack, and some water to take it with, too,” she says, already pulling stuff out of the bags. She hands me a protein bar. “Eat that before your nausea gets too bad, and here’s a water.” Opening it for me, she hands it over. “Once you get that down I’ll give you one of these,” she says, shaking a pill bottle.
“You’re an angel. Thank you,” I whisper.
The ride to her place is only about another fifteen minutes, thank God. I’m more than ready to be in a bed. The house is pretty much exactly what I expected, an old coastal beauty set high off the ground, and wrapped with big shady porches. Where it’s sitting is even prettier than the house. The driveway is lined with huge, stately live oaks dripping with airy Spanish moss. Depending on the time of day I’m sure it would be spooky looking to some, but with the sunlight streaming through the trees it looks like a picture straight out of a travel magazine.
“This is a gorgeous place, Ellie.”
“Yeah, I always thought so, too,” she says quietly as she stares forward, her expression easily showing her melancholy. I can’t help but feel a stab of regret that we chose this place. She’s haunted here, she might not have been at my house. She shakes herself out of it, and looks over at me with a small smile. “You ready to get inside?”
“Yeah, probably should,” I say, trying to smile back. I’m sure it looks more like a wince. The pain pill hasn’t come close to kicking in yet, and as bad as I want inside, I’m dreading the process of getting there. It looks like there’s at least a dozen steps Cash is gonna have to roll me up.
I’m not gonna enjoy that.
He’s already waiting by my door with the wheelchair, so I might as well get it over with.
The whole time we’re getting me settled in, I seriously think about asking him to knock my ass out so I can skip to waking up in a bed. Despite of, or maybe because of the protein bar Ellie gave me, my nausea is coming on fast. The jostling and added pain that rolling towards the house creates isn’t helping.
Ellie notices it, too.
She stops us with a gentle hand to my shoulder right before Cash starts to pull me up the first step. “You need a minute?”
I close my eyes and nod a little, taking a few deep breaths hoping to work through the queasiness and pain. Ellie proves once again she really is an angel when she places an ice pack on the back of my neck while lightly running her fingers through my hair. I don’t know where she got it from, but I’m gonna kiss her for it as soon as I’m able.
After a couple of minutes, I let them know I’m ready to go again, hooking my thumb over my shoulder. Slow and gentle, Cash starts to pull me up the first step. I keep my eyes closed, and continue to take deep breaths as we go. Ellie stays right with us, still holding the ice pack to my neck. I don’t know how long it takes us–it feels like hours–but finally we get to the top, all of us sighing when we do.
I’m ready to puke my guts up.
Cash tries to pull me into the house, but I have to wave him off. I lean over as much as I can, reaching back for the ice pack to put on my forehead to stave off the surge of nausea. Of course, Ellie beats me to it, placing it there as if she read my mind.
We’re two seconds too late. Unable to hold back anymore, I throw up all over myself, and the porch.
Lovely.
The next several minutes are a blur of pain, more nausea, and the heavy fog of my pain killer kicking in. I know Ellie cleans me up as well as she can without changing my clothes, and Cash gets me inside and to a bedroom. They both work to get me changed. I’m completely useless in that endeavor because of being so loopy, but they somehow manage to get me into a new pair of shorts before getting me settled in the bed. I watch through hazy eyes as Ellie pulls the curtains closed, then walks back over to me.
“I’m sorry I puked on your porch,” I mumble when she gets close. She smiles, at me and rubs the back of her fingers over my cheek before adjusting the ice pack on my head.
“I already told you not to worry about it, sweetie. I’m just sorry you got sick at all. Go to sleep now, okay? I’ll be right here when you wake up,” she whispers, leaning down to kiss my forehead.
“Stay with me. Please? ‘Til I fall asleep,” I ask, patting the covers on my right side.
“All right, but let me tell Cash bye first. He has to get back to work.”
“Okay,” I whisper as my eyes close. Then I feel the bed move, and look for her only to find she’s already lying beside me. I smile, and reach for her hand. “You came back.”
“Of course, I did, silly,” she says, with a big smile of her own as she laces her fingers with mine.
I stare at her while my eyes get heavier with each passing second. She’s so beautiful. I want her smiling face to be the last thing I see every night, and the first one I see every morning.