NIK
Eight days.
I’ve been stuck in this fucking bed for eight fucking days, and I think I may go insane real fucking soon.
God, I sound just like Leia.
I know eight days out of thirty-two years is nothing, but lying flat on your back, in pain and barely able to move for over a week, seems to do bad things to your brain and body. My skin is crawling, my muscles are aching, and my bones feel heavy from being trapped in this bed for so damn long. All of which is causing my mind to slip into dark, angry places. I’ve never felt such intense frustration and misery in my life.
I want to fucking move! I want out of this fucking bed! I want to fucking go home! I may scream like some spoiled rotten two-year-old if I don’t get to soon.
I have to do my best not to pitch another fit though. It upset everyone, and did nothing but make me feel guilty.
I can move my right arm and left leg a bit, that helps with maintaining my sanity, but it would feel so satisfying to rip, roar, and ravage everything in sight like some lion let loose from the zoo. I think if I could release some of this fury onto something I could relax again, maybe.
But I’ll behave, even if it kills me. All I have to do is remember Ellie’s face when I yelled at her, and it straightens me right up. It doesn’t matter that I was drugged and she forgave me. If I can help it, she’ll never have that look on her face again.
Why she stuck around after that I don’t know, I’m just glad she did. She’s gonna come home with me when I’m able to leave the hospital. She said she would be glad to pay for a live-in nurse if I would rather do that. I told her I may have been half-dead and drugged, but I remembered her promising me the second time I woke up that she would stay with me through all of it, so I was going to hold her to that.
We decided we’ll try things at my place first since it’s a lot closer to the hospital, if and when I need to go back for therapy or anything else. It’ll be a pain in the ass with all the stairs, but we’ll make it work.
Having her and Leia around to keep my mind off things and distract me has been a godsend. We mostly watch TV, and make fun of whatever we’re watching, or they get onto some social app on their phones and show me stupid stuff to make me laugh, but not too much. I’d be drugged within an inch of my life, and strapped down to this bed if it wasn’t for them.
We haven’t talked about our pasts at all, which I have to admit bothers me, but I don’t want to upset her by bringing up her dead husband either. It’s obviously a painful subject for her. She seems relaxed as long as we discuss the present, but as soon as I ask any personal questions she gets panicky. I refuse to upset her again, so I always change the subject, and she relaxes soon after.
I know she’s twenty-seven, a widow, and grew up in Tennessee. That’s it, that’s all I know other than getting to know her personality over the last week, but even with that small amount of knowledge, I like her–a lot. Of course, going through a life or death situation with her definitely created a bond between us, but I want to know more. I want there to be more.
Actually I need more. It’s a gnawing ache that refuses to leave me alone. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, ever. It’s unsettling and exciting all at the same time, but I’ve kept most of my feelings to myself, so I don’t scare her off. I’ve been doing my best not to let thoughts of her consume me, otherwise I might scare myself off. I can’t help but worry my feelings are because of the robbery, even if I tell myself they’re not. Because I still need mine, I’ll let her have her security blanket for now, too. I’m anxious to have her all to myself once we get home though. We’ll have plenty of time to talk, and there’ll be no hiding from each other then.
First, I have to survive and get out of this hellhole. Rachael promised me that once they remove the tube from my side, which they’re on the way to do now, I may be able to roll onto my right side some. Doing that without causing any pain to my leg will be an interesting feat, but whatever it takes, I’m ready.
She’s got to knock me out to remove the tube anyway, so she said they would turn me over once they were done, wash my back, change my sheets, and move me downstairs all while I’m in la-la land.
I’ve honestly thought about asking them to put me into a coma until this is all over. It would be a lot less painful and humiliating.
As much as I dislike it, I’m learning to handle the pain, but the humiliation is a much harder pill to swallow.
First, there was the catheter and my freak out. I may feel guilty for yelling, but I don’t feel guilty for why I was yelling. Having a tube stuck up your dick is grounds for a rebellion any day of the week in my book, but no one else seemed to care. Of course, it wasn’t their dick being violated either.
I’m not sure who took it out after Lacey put me to sleep–I’m not sure I want to know–but it was gone when I woke up several hours later. My dick is still not happy with me. It hurts like a bitch to piss now.
Next, Rachael informed me I needed a bath on Sunday. She let me choose to be awake or asleep. I told her to knock me out so I didn’t have to deal with that awkwardness. But now, I’m familiar with a couple of new humiliations.
Pissing into a plastic container that someone else is holding and shitting into a bedpan, then having your ass wiped–again by someone else–have got to be the most demeaning things I’ve ever experienced. If you’ve never had the pleasure, I can promise you one thing. It sucks!
I don’t care how much it hurts me to manage it on my own, once we leave here there is no way in hell Ellie is going to have the displeasure of wiping my ass, or holding a bucket for me to piss in.
No way in hell.
I want us to eventually get to know each other intimately, but wiping asses and catching piss? That’s way too intimate.
God bless Rachael, Lacey, and every other nurse on the planet. They’re what mama would’ve called ‘special people’. Speaking of special people, Rachael’s walking in with Ellie and Leia right behind her.
“Hey, handsome. You ready to go night-night, and get that nasty tube gone?” Rachael asks brightly.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.” I try to smile, but I know it’s a pathetic attempt.
Rachael starts pushing buttons on my pain pump as Ellie walks over to me. She does her usual and brushes my hair with her fingers while she smiles softly at me. I love when she does it, it causes an automatic reflex in me. I immediately relax, closing my eyes and enjoying her touch.
“Hey, the day will almost be over by the time you wake up. You’ll be clean, in a new bed, able to move better, and out of ICU. And you get to sleep through all of it, so that’ll be most of one day you won’t have to deal with,” she whispers.
I open my eyes and look up at her. “One day closer to us going home.”
I see tears in her eyes when she smiles at me, but I’m going under so fast I can’t do a thing about it except squeeze her hand.
It takes me a second to get my bearings when I wake up, but I remember I was supposed to be somewhere new, and I can tell I am. I’m on my side like Rachael promised. I still feel sore and achy, but I want to shout I’m so relieved to not be on my back anymore. I’m just going to lay here with my eyes closed, and enjoy it for a few minutes.
It sounds different in here than in the ICU. There’s less beeping inside, but more noises coming from outside the room. Lots of talking, carts being pushed, phones and buzzers going off.
Leia, Ellie, and Cash are talking quietly not too far from me. Sounds like they’re discussing how to make my house easier to get around in.
“I wish he had an elevator, that would make things so much easier for him,” Ellie says.
“It’s not exactly an elevator, but I found a place in Jacksonville that will come in and put one of those electric chairs onto the staircase so he won’t have to try to walk up and down them. It’d be as good as a real elevator without tearing the house up, too much,” Cash tells her.
“That might work if we can talk him into it,” Leia says. “He’d shit a brick if they did any damage to his woodwork though. He loves that staircase. But he’s gonna need, and want, to go upstairs at some point. I’m sure he’d sleep much better in his own bed instead of on the couch or a hospital bed downstairs. There’s nowhere for him to take a bath downstairs, either. Of course, Ellie could keep giving him sponge baths while he sleeps,” she says, teasingly.
What the hell? Ellie gave me a sponge bath? And I fucking slept through it?
It takes all of my control not to jump up and demand answers to my questions–and a very detailed play by play of said bath–but I stay as still as I can, which isn’t much of a choice in my condition. I keep my eyes closed hoping to hear more. Ellie hasn’t said a word and, Leia is laughing. I can only imagine what kind of look Ellie is giving her.
“You gave Nik a bath? Damn, he’s gonna be pissed he missed that,” Cash chuckles.
“As red as her face is, I think it’s safe to say she’s glad she didn’t miss it,” Leia snarks.
“Kiss my ass, Leia. You already know how bad I feel about it,” Ellie hisses at her.
She’s blushing and she feels guilty enough to sass my sister? I love the blushing part, but why does she feel guilty? She won’t hear me complaining about it.
“Feel bad? Why do you feel bad about it?” Cash asks her, sounding incredulous.
Thanks bro, you read my mind.
“He didn’t know I was going to help, Cash. It wasn’t right for me to do it without him knowing first. I almost feel like I raped him,” she whispers.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Ellie. You’re being ridiculous. You didn’t come close to raping him. All you did was wash him from the waist up, and you told me his monster was covered the whole time anyway. Like Cash said, if he finds out, he’s gonna be pissed he slept through it,” Leia says in a bored tone.
I wouldn’t say pissed, but I’m definitely bummed. My daydream about her bathing me came true, and I fucking missed it. There’s nothing to be mad at her for either. That’s nuts. Why in the hell would I be mad about a gorgeous woman giving me a bath? Yeah, I was naked and defenseless, but who cares? Maybe I can talk her into giving me another one, only next time I’ll make sure I’m awake. I could tell her that, but it would probably embarrass the shit out of both of us if I did.
“Ellie, you have nothing to worry about. Nik isn’t going to be mad at you. I guarantee he would have given you all the permission possible if you had asked him first. He wouldn’t want you to be upset about it either,” Cash reassures her.
He’s got my back today.
“Maybe not, but can we please change the subject now?” Ellie grumbles.
“All right, how about we talk about the fact you haven’t told him everything yet?” Leia says.
“Damnit, Leia, will you get the hell off my back today?” Ellie hisses again. “I told you I’m waiting until it’s only the two of us, and he’s feeling better. He’s had the shittiest week ever and I don’t mean to make it worse by giving him something else to worry about. Can’t you see how down he’s getting? How much being stuck in that bed is driving him crazy? He’s sad, and on edge enough already, I’m not gonna dump my sob story in his lap for him to deal with, too. He doesn’t need that right now. I promise I’ll tell him when the time is right,” she finishes quietly.
“But that’s it, Ellie, the time will never be right. What if something happens? Maybe he’ll even say something to trigger it. You’ll wind up having an attack in front of him sooner or later. What are you going to do then? If he knows before he has to see you that way, he’ll be able to stay calm, and help you. He’d want to help you, just like you’re helping him,” Leia tells her.
Attack? What the hell is she talking about?
“I think you need to drop it, Leia,” Cash says.
No, don’t drop it. I need to know what the hell is going on.
“I can’t. That’s my brother, and she’s going to be taking care of him. We can all see how they feel about each other. No matter how much they try to hide it. He deserves to know. He needs to know. I knew what was going on with her, and it still freaked me out when she had that attack earlier. No matter how much my heart breaks for her and all she’s been through, no matter how much I know about it, it wasn’t enough to prepare me. Nik will freak the fuck out, and hurt himself even more trying to help her if he doesn’t know what’s happening. I know I sound like an A-class bitch, but I’m only trying to protect both of you,” Leia says.
“Upsetting him is the last thing I want. You have to know that by now. For the most part, I know when they’re coming, and I can keep him from seeing me that way. I don’t think it’s time, okay?” Ellie tells her, her voice pleading.
God, I want so bad to get up and go to her, to wrap her in my arms and tell her whatever it is I can handle it, that we can handle it together.
“You don’t think Nik is going to get mad at you, do you? Are you worried he won’t want you here anymore? Is that it?” Leia asks her.
“He won’t want me to leave because he’s mad at me, he’ll want me to leave because he’s afraid of me,” Ellie whispers.
Afraid of her? Why would I ever be afraid of such a tiny thing like her?
“Ellie, I’m sorry, but that’s crazy. He’s already told you it wasn’t your fault. We all have,” Cash tells her gently. “Your past has nothing to do with what happened last week.”
“Is this your ‘I’m cursed BS again’? Because that’s what it is, bullshit!” Leia hisses quietly.
Okay, I’ve had enough.
I open my eyes and look over at them. Leia is standing against the sink across the room, facing me with her hands on her hips while she stares down at Ellie who’s sitting to her right. I thought Leia would look angry because of the tone of her voice, but she looks worried and sad instead.
Ellie has her head down as she fiddles with her shirt. I can only see her profile, but it’s very evident how upset she is. There’s a tear sliding down her cheek.
Cash is to the side of her with his back to me, and he’s rubbing her knee gently. The spike of jealousy I feel seeing that keeps me quiet for another minute.
“You’re not some harbinger of death, or a black widow, Ellie. You’re just a person who’s had more than her fair share of loss. Way more. You have a chance at a new life, to put all that horror behind you. I wish you’d grab it with both hands and run, that’s all. I know Nik better than anyone. Once he knows everything he’ll feel the same as I do, probably even more so,” Leia tells her.
I’m surprised to hear the care and concern Leia has in her voice. My sister is not known for her overwhelming compassion, more like the opposite, in fact. It scares me to think what Ellie has been through to make Leia feel that way towards her.
It has to be bad, much worse than losing a spouse.
I’m about to let them know I’m awake when Ellie takes a deep, shaky breath. “You have no idea how bad I want to do that. But I’m so scared. I know I’ll never survive it if I give him a chance, and he realizes later he can’t handle me and all my baggage. It really will be the end of me. I don’t know if I can risk what’s left of my heart, or put that kind of pressure on him. He doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve to have to deal with someone so broken,” she whispers as more tears fall.
“Shouldn’t I get to decide that?” I ask her. She gasps, and her huge eyes lock with mine from across the room. “I think Ellie and I need to talk, guys. Can you give us a few, please?” I ask Leia and Cash, never taking my eyes from hers. They quietly hurry out, shutting the door behind them. Ellie’s terrified and frozen to her chair as she stares back at me. I stretch my right arm out to her, and wave her over with my fingers. “Please, Ellie? Come talk to me. Bring your chair over here, I need you close,” I tell her, hoping it will ease some of her fear, and mine, too. I have no idea what I’m about to hear.
It takes her a few seconds of deep breathing, but she finally stands up, and drags her chair over, putting it sideways against the bed, and facing towards me. Once she sits down, I hold my hand out for her to take. She looks at me like a scared little rabbit, so unsure of herself and she still has tears in her eyes. All of it makes my heart ache.
“Please?” I whisper. She reaches up and wipes her eyes, then takes my hand in hers. “Thank you.” Keeping her hand in mine, I rub my knuckles down her cheek. Her eyes close for a few seconds then look back at me with concern.
“Are you okay? Is your pain all right?”
I smile softly at her.
She’s always so worried about me.
“I feel like a new man. Now that I’m off my back, I’m good for a while. How about you, are you okay?” I know she isn’t, but I feel like I need to ask anyway. She shakes her head, and bites her lip to stop it from quivering. “God, I wish I could hold you right now.” I let go of her hand to cup her face, and rub my thumb across her cheek to wipe away a tear.
She chokes back a sob and scrambles onto her knees. It doesn’t look very comfortable, but she keeps her knees in the chair as she lays her top half on the bed, gently snuggling against my chest. She puts her head on my arm, then buries her face in my neck.
It feels so right to hold her, but I’d give almost anything to stop her tears. I just rub her back as much as the awkward position will let me, and kiss the top of her head as she cries.
“Whatever it is Ellie, I can handle it. I promise you. We’ll handle it together, okay? But you have to tell me what’s going on. I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me.”
“How long were you awake?” she asks, barely above a whisper.
“Y’all were talking about putting that elevator chair on my priceless staircase,” I tell her, then smile into her hair. “I also heard about a sponge bath I am very disappointed to have missed out on.”
“Oh, God,” she groans, tucking herself tighter into my neck. I can’t help but laugh at her, but I try to keep it controlled. I don’t want my pain to get in the way of this conversation. “I’m sorry,” she mumbles, her lips and breath moving gently over my skin.
Now I want to groan.
“I’m only sorry I was asleep. If you ever want to do it again, I’ll be glad to lay still for you,” I tease her. She pinches my chest lightly in return, going quiet again. “Please talk to me. I promise not to be upset with you, but I need to know who you are. I need to know why you’re here. Why you’re setting your life aside to take care of a stranger. Whatever this is that’s happening between us, I want it,” I say, and squeeze her as best I can. “I want it even more than I want out of this bed, and there’s nothing I want more than that right now. So, please? Talk to me.”
“My life hasn’t been a good one, Nik.”
“I’m sorry you lost him.”
“Not just him. Everyone dies around me. I’m cursed.”
“I don’t believe that for a second.”
“How else can you explain that everyone I’ve ever loved has died? My parents and sister, my aunt, my in-laws, my husband…”
“Everyone? You have no family left at all?”
“No. They’re all dead. And it’s my fault. I nearly got you, too,” she whispers.
“Ellie. I know what happened to me wasn’t your fault, and I can’t believe that you’re the reason anyone has died either.”
She takes a deep, shaky breath. “Somewhere deep down I know that, but it’s hard to believe when you’re the only one left.”
I kiss her forehead for a long moment. “I’m so sorry. Losing my mom and dad was horrible, I can’t imagine what you’ve been through.”
“I’m sorry you lost them. I was so young, I’m sure it was harder for you and Leia.”
“I don’t know about that. You must have been terrified being so little. How did happen? If it’s okay to ask.”
“A house fire. I’d been spending the night with a friend so… I moved in with my aunt Maggie after that. She was wonderful. I had her until I turned eighteen when she died of a stroke. I met Josh right after. In the funeral home of all places,” she says with a small huff. “His folks had known Aunt Maggie, and they dragged him to the viewing. He let me grieve for a while, then started coming around to check on me.
“Six months later I had a ring on my finger, three more and I was a Cochran. I wasn’t alone anymore, I had a family again. It was great for the next four years or so, then Mr. Ezra died. A neighbor saw him lying in the field and called for help, but it was too late. Miss Naomi, sweet soul that she was, was gone six months later. We thought it was only a bad infection, but it turned out she was eat up with cancer. It took Josh a good year to get mostly back to normal. Losing them both so close together was really hard on him. Eventually he started to enjoy running what was left of his parent’s farm. He wanted to feel closer to his dad, he said.
“We thought the worst was over, that we’d been through the bad times, and it was only going to be good from then on out. And it was good for another year and a half, but I got a bad headache that day, like a migraine. I never got migraines.” Her voice has changed, sounding ghost-like. She’s not here with me, but somewhere in the past. My heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.
“It should’ve been me. But he went so I could rest. The other man fell asleep at the wheel. The officers said he ran into the back of Josh’s truck. It spun out, then flipped a bunch. He was thrown out… They said it was instant.”
I gather her as close as I can get her, holding her tight. “I’m sorry, Ellie. I’m so sorry,” I whisper into her hair. How she has survived losing so many loved ones is a miracle. I seriously doubt I could have. Losing Mom and Dad the way we did almost killed me and Leia, but she’s lost everyone she ever loved. I can’t imagine how excruciating it’s been for her to be the only one left behind.
“I only made it through the funeral thanks to the drugs my friend Brandon gave me,” she whispers. “Once I made it home to my bed, I didn’t leave it for months. Him and Anna, my other friend, kept me alive by making sure I ate at least once a day. They took turns holding me while I cried a million tears, sat with me while I stared into nothingness, or did their best to calm me when the nightmares hit. They would strip me out of clothes that stunk of week old body odor, and put clean sheets on my bed–replacing the old ones that were soaked with sweat–while I took a bath, and thought about drowning myself.”
What do you say to someone who’s been through that?
I can’t think of a damn thing, so I try to make up for it by rubbing her back and kissing her forehead again.
After a few minutes, she lets out a long sigh. “The steel magnolia my aunt Maggie taught me to be is long gone–I’m more of a weeping willow now.”
“You’re still here, Ellie. After all of that. If that’s not a person being made of steel, I don’t know what is.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not done with my story yet,” she laughs bitterly.
God, how can there possibly be more?
“Brandon and Anna finally had enough of watching me disappear in front of them, so they took me to a place they found in Atlanta called Serenity. It’s a grief treatment center. It took ten months, but they got me back to the land of the living, somewhat. I owe most of that to Vicky. She’s my therapist. We worked for months to get my depression under control, but then the attacks started.”
“Anxiety attacks? Did I hear Leia say you had one today?”
“Yeah, and I did. I’ve been having them for a while now. I’ve improved, but no amount of medicine, therapy, or time has completely gotten rid of them.”
“How many have you had since you got here?”
“You mean Savannah, or the hospital?”
“The hospital. Since the robbery.”
“Eight, nine, twelve. I lose count.”
Damn, that’s a lot. I don’t know how she stands them. I think I’ve had a few myself this week, and that was a few too many.
“That’s why you know how to make me feel better when I freak out, isn’t it?” I ask her.
“Yeah. I’m so sorry you’re having them, but I’m glad I know how to help you.”
“I’d much rather you not know. Those damn bastards at Starbucks didn’t help, I’m sure.”
“No, they didn’t, but it seems to have just mixed in with all the rest.”
Something shifts inside me, and I know without a doubt I’m never letting anything bad ever happen to her again, even if I have to do it from afar. I kiss her head and give her a squeeze. “I’m sorry. Finish what you were saying. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“That first week back home was horrible. I had one within minutes of walking into the house. Anna had met me there, and I completely freaked her out. She thought I was having a heart attack. She even called the EMTs. I had a few dozen more before the week was over.
“Every time I tried to go anywhere in the house except for the living room, kitchen, or bath I would crumple to the floor gasping for air. It was a month before I could handle having company over, and that was only my lawyer, Mr. Hiram. I got him to make sure everything was taken care of and finalized. I had sold everything but our house while I was away–the farm land, my in-law’s place. Part of me wanted to sell our house too, but for some reason I didn’t.
“Mr. Hiram reminded me that I owned the house here. He had figured that I didn’t want to stay in Tennessee, but didn’t really want to sell it all either, so he suggested I stay here for a while and give myself time to figure things out. I held out another month in Tennessee, sitting there and staring at the walls. I would perk up when Anna and Brandon called or came by, but it was all a farce. I was slipping. I knew I couldn’t keep living like that anymore. It wasn’t a life. I had no desire whatsoever to do anything but disappear.
“I had tried for almost two years to get past the pain, but it was still a raw, gaping wound inside me, and it was never going away. I didn’t want to stay there, so here I am. I couldn’t end it at home. After all Anna and Brandon did for me, I couldn’t do that to them. So, I packed a small bag, and booked a plane ticket to Savannah.”
The hair on my neck stands up as I break into a cold sweat. “Are you telling me what I think you are?”
“Probably. I came here to die, Nik. I was going to kill myself by taking a bunch of sleeping pills. But for some reason, I hadn’t done it yet before I walked into that Starbuck’s,” she whispers.
I swear my heart has stopped. I kiss her hair, and pull her closer to me. “I’m so glad you didn’t. I’m so glad you’re here with me instead.”
She sits back, and leans on her elbows so she can see me. I already feel the urge to have her back in my arms, but I do my best to ignore it by holding her hand instead. Right this minute I never want to let her out of my sight again.
“I think you’re why I didn’t… I’d be dead either way if it wasn’t for you,” she says looking me in the eyes for the first time since she started talking. They’re red and swollen from her tears, making me want to hold her all the more. “You saved me in more than one way last Friday. You saved me physically, but you also saved me here,” she says softly, and puts my hand over her heart. “When I saw you smiling at me that first time, and your eyes were so full of life, it scared me.”
“Me smiling scared you?” I ask confused.
“Yeah, because you made me feel something other than fear and pain. You were so gorgeous and happy standing there smiling at me, and I didn’t know whether to run away or drown myself in you. You made me feel things I hadn’t felt in a very long time. You still do,” she whispers.
“They’re good things though, right?”
“They are, but I can’t help but be afraid. Everyone I’ve ever cared about has died and not twenty minutes after I met you, you were laying in my arms bleeding out on the floor. It’s easy to believe that I’m the reason for all the pain and death.”
“No, Ellie, you’re not. You can’t think like that,” I tell her adamantly as I squeeze her hand. “You didn’t cause any of your family to die, and I’ve already told you it was my choice to protect you. You never asked me to, in fact you begged me not to. I did it because I wanted to.”
She sits back and rubs her face with her hands letting out a deep sigh, then looks back up at me after a moment, but doesn’t speak.
“You didn’t tell me how I saved you there,” I say pointing at her heart. “Surely, I didn’t do it by scaring you.”
She smirks the tiniest bit, but I’m happy to see it. “You’re mostly right, but those feelings are what started it, I think. The hope I saw in your eyes when that asshole was pointing those guns at us, it was another piece. But the biggest was when you risked your life for mine. Without even knowing me you decided I was worth saving. How could I not take that gift and choose to live again? How horrible of a person would I be if I let you save me then turned around and killed myself?”
“So, you’re choosing to live out of obligation to me?”
“What? No! That’s not what I meant. Well, at least not completely. You showed me that maybe I was worth saving, that maybe I should live instead of die. I didn’t know it at the time, but the only four people left on this earth that gave a damn about me had given up trying to save me. They told me this week that they knew I was coming here to die, and they were going to let me. They said they didn’t want to see me suffer anymore. I haven’t quite figured out how I feel about that yet,” she says softly.
She can’t be serious?
“I can tell you how it makes me feel. It pisses me the fuck off.”
“Thanks for that,” she laughs quietly. “Anyway, I do feel obligated to help you through this for saving me, but I want to live because you wanted me to, because you thought I was worth saving. I want to live because I think I might have a reason to now,” she whispers.
I reach out and grab her arm, tugging her towards me. She comes willingly, but stays on her elbows so we can look at each other. “You do have one, and I intend on it staying that way.”
She traces her fingers down my cheek. “In case you didn’t hear me the first time I said it the other day, thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll take a kiss in return, if that would work for you?” I ask giving her the sweetest smile I can.
“I think I can spare one,” she says with a smirk, leaning down slowly.
I slide my fingers into the hair at the back of her neck, pulling her a little closer until her lips touch mine. It’s probably not a movie-worthy kiss, but it’s soft and sweet, makes my heart pound, and makes me want to kiss her more. I keep it PG so she doesn’t have to deal with my morphine breath, and because I know I can’t rush things with her now. This thing with us is going to have to be slow and easy. I loosen my grip on her neck. She pulls back and smiles softly.
“Thank you,” I whisper, “Now can you help me turn over, I want to hold you.”
“Nik, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Please? I’ve wanted you to lay down with me all week. I know we can be careful,” I say, trying to convince her.
She gives me an impatient look, but gets up and helps me gently move my left leg back over the right as I slowly roll over. I only grunt when my left shoulder touches the bed and when she slides a pillow under my leg. After adjusting the covers so I’m decent, she carefully lays down on my right side, but she’s stiff as a board.
“Put your leg over mine,” I tell her.
“Nik.”
“Ellie.”
“Fine,” she grumbles and picks her own leg up–way higher than she needs to–and gently lays it over my right hip so that it rests between my legs.
I nudge her right arm until she lays it over my stomach, and then let out a sigh. “That’s much better. I can stay in this bed for weeks like this,” I whisper.
“I doubt they’ll let us, but it is nice,” she whispers back.
I close my eyes, and kiss her head as I play with her hair. I doubt five minutes pass before she’s asleep. I let myself drift off after her.