NIK
THE SUN HAS LONG SINCE set and the air has turned moist and chilly, but she’s asleep and I refuse to wake her, no matter how much my body aches, or how loud my bladder is screaming. Sleep must be her only reprieve, and I’m not going to take that from her.
I don’t think my heart has ever ached for someone else as much as it has for Ellie tonight. How one person can hold so much pain, and still survive, I’ll never know. When I told her to let go earlier I never realized how much suffering she keeps bottled up on a daily basis. It was gut wrenching listening to her sob, and pour out all of that sorrow. She never saw them, but my tears mixed with hers over half the time.
I was scared for her, afraid she was going to make herself really sick. A heart can only handle so much before it gives up. She’s already been too close to that point before. I can’t stand the thought of her being there again. It scares me that I could lose her when I’ve just found her. It scares me more that I may not be able help her through this.
I’m not sure I’m strong enough. Not in the ‘I’m a chicken shit selfish bastard’ way, too afraid of someone else bringing me down, or putting a dent in my life, but in the ‘I’m completely unprepared and uneducated’ way. I want to be there for her however she needs me to be, but I don’t know what she needs. I don’t know that holding her, or wiping away some tears is gonna be enough. I felt totally helpless as she cried, and I still do now. I hate it.
But, as fragile as she seems she’s already stronger than me. I know she is. I’ve lost, but nothing like she has. I can’t honestly say that I handled my grief in the best way either. I threw myself into my work after Mom and Dad died, or laid between a pair of willing thighs if they were available, which I’m ashamed to say I made sure was often.
How can I be the man she needs me to be?
I can’t fuck her out of this, not that I want to. Well, I would love to be able to make love to her, but there is no way in hell I’m going to push her in that direction. When and if it happens, it will be her choice. I know I can be strong enough for her in that area, it’s the other ones I’m most worried about.
I don’t know the first thing about how to help her through a panic attack, or bring her out of those times when she leaves this world behind. Not that I blame her for leaving, I would have been gone long ago if I was her, either dead or locked away in some hospital.
I want nothing more than to protect her from any and everything that dares to cause her another ounce of pain or fear. If I could find a way to erase all she has already suffered, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Even if that meant giving her back her husband and never seeing her again. I’d let her go if it meant she never had to hurt again. No one as beautiful as her should have to feel this much agony. It makes me angry. Furiously so.
Why her? What did she ever do to deserve this? What could anyone possibly do to deserve the cruel hand she’s been dealt? Not a damn thing, if you ask me.
She deserves all the happiness in the world, everything she could dream of should be hers. But, I can’t bring people back from the dead for her, or erase the past. I can only be here for her now. I’m going to be, too, even though I’m afraid I’ll fail her miserably.
I want to find every way possible to make her smile, to put happiness back in her life for the rest of her days. I want to make her laugh so hard she cries happy tears and her sides hurt. Those should be the only kind of tears and pain she should ever have to deal with. I want to soothe her fears, make her forget what those torturous panic attacks she has ever felt like. I don’t want her to ever be afraid of the past or future again.
More than that, I don’t want her to be afraid of love. I want her to have love again, to feel love again. I want her to love me the way I…love her.
Do I love her?
I think I might, but I’ve never been in love before, how would I know?
I’ve never felt anything close to what I feel for Ellie with anyone else, I do know that. Not even Mom and Dad, or Leia. Certainly not any of the women who’ve taken me into their beds over the years. They were nothing but a way to ease my baser needs. I never wanted to be around any of them for more than a couple of hours.
God, I’m such a manwhore.
What’s Ellie going to think of me when she finds out about all of them?
I can’t help but shudder thinking about it, so I’m not going to right now. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it, and I hope like hell that’s a long way off, or never would work, too.
Things with Ellie are so much more than simple lust. A couple of hours in her presence would never be enough. I don’t like the thought of her even leaving my sight.
She was a perfect stranger to me three weeks ago, then I saw her standing there smiling and blushing, and my whole world was turned on its head. It boggles my mind how quickly she has come to mean everything to me. My every thought, action, and word centers on her.
Maybe that’s obsession and not love?
I don’t know. I don’t want her to be an obsession, she deserves better than that. Much better. I wish I trusted my feelings or knew someone I could ask to help me figure them out.
Leia avoids love like the plague. She’s useless in this endeavor.
Cash thought he was in love once. He wouldn’t trade his little princess for anything in this world, but he swears love is bullshit. He’s a lust man now, through and through.
Mom and Dad would know how to help me. If they were still here I’d be on the phone this very minute asking their advice. I miss them more than I ever have right now, but, I’m stuck with figuring this out on my own.
I think I’m just going to let whatever this is I’m feeling continue, and see where it takes me. I’m pretty sure I won’t regret it. I may not know if it’s the real thing yet, but I do know there are many things I already love about Ellie.
I love her smile, and the way seeing it makes my heart beat faster, and that I can’t help but smile back at her. I love her laugh. I’ve only heard it a few times, but I want to hear it every day. I love how caring she is. The way she runs her fingers through my hair when I get agitated about things, or need some comfort. The way she always seems to know what I need before I do. I love to feel her soft lips pressed against my cheek, the way it makes my stomach feel like I’m on a roller coaster, and mostly because I feel it in my heart instead. I love when she holds my hand, and I forget the pain my body is in. I love how her smell makes me feel at home. I love my name when it falls from her lips. I love her eyes, and how expressive they are even though she doesn’t want them to be. I love how the sunlight played with her hair today, making it shine a dozen shades of gold. I love her strength and courage, they make me want to be a better man for her. I love her tender, bruised heart that hasn’t given up on life.
Maybe I really do love her?
I know I felt something when she put her trust in me a couple of hours ago. She was terrified. I could see it in her eyes, but she chose to face it, and took one of the steps needed to overcome those fears. She chose to let me be beside her as she did, too. I can’t help but love her bravery, especially when she has to fight so hard for it. I may very well love her already, but I’m not worthy of her. I’m going to do my best to change that though.
She starts to squirm and make little noises, it’s cute. “No. No, don’t leave,” she begs, sounding pitiful enough to make my heart ache again.
Okay, maybe it’s not so cute.
“Shhhhh, Hummingbird. It’s okay. I’ve got you,” I whisper, hoping to soothe her back to sleep.
She calms down for a second, but then suddenly slides down my body, burying her face in my stomach, latching onto me with a death grip. “Come back! Don’t take him, please don’t take him.”
“Shhhhh, Ellie. You’re just dreaming, you need to wake up. Wake up, and it’ll go away,” I try to reason with her, which is stupid, she’s not awake to hear me.
“No! No, he’ll die!”
She starting to thrash now, and I’m cursing my broken body that can’t move enough to help her. I want to pick her up, and hold her like she needs. Instead, I take my good leg and wrap it around both of hers to keep her from kicking my bad one. It feels selfish, but if I let her hurt me it won’t help the situation.
“Not Lucas! Please, no,” she sobs and claws at my shirt.
Lucas? I swore she said her husband’s name was Josh.
“Ellie! Wake up. Please wake up.” I shake her rougher than I want to. It doesn’t do a damn thing, unfortunately.
“Nik! Nik, no! You can’t die. Don’t leave me, too. Please, don’t leave me. Please!” she wails.
God, she’s breaking my heart.
I brush her hair away from her face, and start tapping her cheek pretty hard, I don’t want to, but I’ve got to wake her up from this nightmare. “Ellie! Wake up!” She suddenly sucks in a huge gasp of air, and her body freezes stiff. “It’s okay, Ellie. I’ve got you, it was just a nightmare. It’s over now,” I whisper, while I run my hand over her head and back, hoping I’m not scaring her even more. She goes limp against me then begins to shake. “Shhh, Hummingbird. It’s okay now. It’s over,” I keep whispering to her, never stopping my gentle touch.
A few breaths later she bolts up off the swing, scaring the shit out of me. She goes over to the porch railing standing there for a minute, roughly wiping at her face. Before I can ask if she’s okay, she’s back in front of me holding her hand out. “I’m sorry about that, come on, we need to get you inside,” she sputters, her voice shaky and quiet.
“It’s okay, Ellie. Are you all right? Maybe you need to sit back down for a while,” I suggest softly.
“I’m fine, Nik,” she snaps, “Take my hand. You don’t need to be out here in the cold, it’s not good for your broken bones.”
I don’t want to go inside. I want to hold her, but I can see the desperation in her eyes as they look back at me. She doesn’t want my pity. She needs me to let it go, so I will. I put my hand in hers, and pull myself up, doing my best not to let her see how much it hurts. Being stuck in one position while cold wet air soaked into my bones has not been good for me.
I take my crutch from her, and grit my teeth when I take my first step and a bolt of pain shoots up my leg. I refuse to upset her even more by asking for the wheelchair, so I just move as slow and lightly as I can.
Once we make it to the hall I turn to look at her. “I need to go to the bathroom.” She nods her head and waits by the door, closing it behind me once I’m inside. I do my business, wash my hands, and ease back out. She’s standing inside my bedroom. There’s a glass of water, and a bottle of pills on my nightstand already. I go in and head towards the bed to sit down, but she stops me.
“Let me help you with your shorts before you sit,” she says, her voice emotionless.
I stand still, leaning my weight on the crutch, and let her pull them down my legs. She helps me step out of them, leaving me in my boxers and t-shirt. You’d think I would be having trouble keeping my urges in check since she’s on her knees in front of me, but I’m not. She’s hurting, and it only makes me hurt for her. Not to mention the pain I’m in. Sex is last thing on my mind.
She stands back up and motions for me to sit. After she takes my crutch and leans it against the wall she comes back and stands between my legs, unhooking my sling so she can take it off. Once that’s done we very slowly and carefully work together to pull off my shirt off. After it’s gone she gets my sling back on with the efficiency of a seasoned nurse, then picks up the glass of water and hands it to me. Next comes a pain pill that she drops in my open hand and waits for me to wash down, before taking the water back from me.
I’m hoping she’s done being nurse now, but she turns and gets the supplies out to clean my pins. Again, we both stay silent as she kneels at my feet, and goes through the routine of cleaning then drying each one. I watch her numbly stand, and throw away the used pads. I can’t take the silence and impersonal act we’ve got going on anymore. I reach out and take her hand in mine when she gets close enough. I’m not surprised when she flinches, or by the ache I feel in my heart seeing her do it.
“Ellie? I’m here. I swear I’m not trying to push you, but I want you to know I’m here. Whatever you need. I told you last week that nothing would make me walk away from you, I meant that,” I tell her softly, rubbing my thumb over the back of her hand.
Watching her stare at the floor while she bites her lip, and a tear slides down her cheek, I have the overwhelming urge to tell her I love her. I know it now, there’s no more doubt. I love this beautiful, strong, courageous woman in front of me. I love her with every ounce of my soul, nothing but her peace and happiness matter to me anymore. I know she’s not ready to hear those words from me though. I’ll keep them safe for her until she is.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to stay with me right now, I understand, but will you let me at least hug you goodnight?” I ask her, hoping if I can get her in my arms it will give her some comfort.
I barely catch her nod, but take advantage of it before she changes her mind, gently tugging her towards me so I can grab her waist, and pull her onto my lap. I breathe a sigh of relief when she lets me, wrapping her arms around me, while tucking her face into the crook of my neck. I hold her to me, placing soft kisses on her head, and the side of her face.
I can’t hold my feelings back another second, so I disguise them. “Jag älskar dig, Ellie,” I whisper to her. I never thought having Swedish grandparents would come in handy one day, but I’m so thankful for them right now. She slowly lifts her head up and looks at me confused.
“What did you just say?”
“Jag älskar dig,” I tell her again, kissing her cheek slowly. She looks at me very concerned now, even reaching up and feeling my forehead. “Do you feel okay? I think we should call the doctor.”
I pull her back into a hug, and laugh a little. “I’m fine. I was speaking Swedish. It was something my grandparents used to say to me when I was little and they tucked me into bed,” I explain.
She looks up at me intrigued this time. “Really? That’s so cool. What did it mean?” she asks, a big yawn sneaking up on her.
I kiss her forehead and whisper against her skin. “I promise to tell you later, you need to get some sleep.”
“You do, too,” she sighs out against my neck.
I yawn this time. “I guess we both do.”
She kisses my cheek then stands up. “I’ll be right down the hall if you need me. Holler if you do. Please don’t try to get up by yourself, okay?”
I shake my head. “I won’t.”
She cups one of my cheeks. “Thank you for tonight, Nik. It means the world to me,” she whispers. I didn’t think she would mention it.
I take her hand in mine and kiss her palm. “Anything for you, Hummingbird,” I tell her.
She tilts her head at me, her eyebrows wrinkled, but there’s a small smile on her face. “Lay down. I’ll tuck you in,” she says. I slide up the bed a bit then lay down, and stretch out while she holds the covers up for me. Once she gets me covered up she leans over and kisses my forehead. “Good night, Nik.”
As much as I want to kiss her lips, I don’t, settling for her fingers instead.
“Goodnight, Ellie.”
The smell of bacon and coffee wafting around my room, and a sweet voice floating into my ears wakes me up. “Time to get up, sleepy head.” When I peel my eyes open she’s standing over me with a tray of steaming food, and a soft smile on her face.
What a beautiful sight to wake up to.
“Good morning,” I croak, my voice reminding me of waking up after surgery. My throat’s pretty sore.
“Oh, no! Please tell me that’s not a sore throat I hear,” she frets, setting the tray down on a small folding table that found its way into my room, then sits down beside me.
“Only a little one,” I whisper. “I always wake up with a sore throat, and stuffed up when I sleep somewhere new.”
“How about some coffee to loosen things up, or would you rather have juice? I have both,” she offers while checking my forehead and cheeks for fever. “You’re not hot, thank God, but you are warm. Maybe it’s because you’ve been asleep.”
“I’m okay, I promise. I don’t feel feverish or anything. Just stiff and sore like every morning for the past few weeks,” I groan while trying to sit up. She has to help me, because I fibbed about how sore I am. That cold air last night really did a number on me.
“I’m so sorry. I wish I could fix you a hot bath to soak in, but I’m too afraid of you getting in and out of it. Maybe uh…after you eat I can help you…take a shower,” she says bashfully, a rosy blush dusting her cheeks. I’d love to tease her, but I won’t. I pray one day soon I won’t have to hold back so much with her. I’m eagerly awaiting that day.
“I’m sure I’m starting to stink, so I probably need one. I might be able to manage it by myself since you got that amazing shower put in.” It’s a walk-in shower that’s even with the bathroom floor so there’s nothing I need to step over to get into it. Two sides of it have wide built-in seats, and the tile on the floor is rough enough that slipping shouldn’t be a problem. There’s two shower heads and a hand-held one mounted low on the wall, along with two handrails to help me get in and out and seated without falling. It’s the perfect setup for someone in my situation. That part of her remodel was definitely done for me. I love her all the more for it.
I can’t help the smile that spreads across my face at that thought.
I love her. I love Ellie Cochran.
“No, sir. You are not taking a shower by yourself yet. If you fell I’d never get you back up, not to mention you’d wind up right back in the hospital. Maybe in a couple more weeks, but not yet. And stop that smiling, I know exactly what’s going through that head of yours. You’ll be covered with a towel and I’ll be in a bathing suit. There will be no naked time for you today.”
I even love her when she fusses at me.
“That’s a pity,” I pout, pulling my smile down to only a smirk. Her cheeks flame red, and she jumps up off the bed and busies herself with my breakfast tray. I shouldn’t have teased her, but it was fun while it lasted.
“Here you go. You said you liked a big breakfast with biscuits. I thought it would be easier for you to eat it this way,” she says, putting the tray down over my legs. There’s three big fluffy biscuits filled with bacon, eggs, and cheese, along with a large portion of home fries, a cup of coffee, and a glass of orange juice.
Did I mention I love her?
“Mmmmm, God bless you, you, beautiful woman. I hope you know how much you’re spoiling me. I may keep you.” I wink at her then pick up a biscuit and take a huge bite. I close my eyes moaning as I savor it slowly. This is the best damn biscuit I’ve ever eaten. “Damn, Ellie. Your cooking is amazing. You could be bigger than Paula Deen.”
She’s looking at me as if I’m the food, her eyes dark and dilated, cheeks flushed. Her tongue peeks out to slide over her bottom lip then retreats so her teeth can sink into it. I want to moan again, for a much different reason.
How the hell am I going to make it through my shower if I can barely stand to watch her lick her lips? I’m so screwed.
She shakes herself, and lets out a little squeak. “Thanks. I’m gonna go clean the kitchen. Take your meds, they’re on the nightstand,” she blurts out before running out the door. She’s back about fifteen minutes later, skittish as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. Time to take our minds off the elephant in the room.
“Breakfast was amazing, thank you. I’d bet anything you made those biscuits from scratch.”
She relaxes a tiny bit with the neutral subject, and smiles when all she sees are crumbs on my plate. “You’re welcome, and thank you. They’re my aunt’s biscuits. She taught me how to make them when I was ten or so. It took years, but I finally got them to be as good as hers,” she smiles genuinely.
“Well, I don’t know what hers tasted like, but those were the best ones I’ve ever had. The potatoes, too. I’m sure they weren’t from the frozen section either,” I tell her, laying on the flattery pretty thick. It’s much deserved though. Gourmet food is great and all, but nothing beats good Southern cooking in my book.
“I’m glad you liked all of it. You deserve it after having to eat hospital food for so long.” She smiles at me while moving the tray back over to the table, but it fades away when her nerves take over again. I don’t really know how to help ease them either, my own are on high alert, too. She looks at the floor fidgeting with her fingers. “Well, let’s get you in the bathroom.”
“Ellie, we don’t have to do this. I think I can figure out how to do it by myself,” I say, giving her an out.
“No, no I’m fine,” she says then takes a deep breath. “I refuse to let you get hurt on my watch, especially since you haven’t even been here a whole day yet. Come on,” she tells me, waving her hand for me to take.
We get me to my feet, but not without some groans from me. Everything hurts worse than usual this morning. I should probably use the wheelchair, but it’s not far, I’ll tough it out.
Her cool hand rubs up and down my back as we start towards to bathroom. “I’m sorry, it’s my fault you’re so sore. If I hadn’t fell asleep outside—”
“Hush, I’ll be fine once I get a shower,” I stop and tell her softly, looking into her big blue eyes. “I could have woken you up, but I didn’t. I wanted to stay with you.” I want to kiss her so damn bad. If I didn’t have a case of morning breath I would.
When the tension gets to be too much she looks away, and urges me to move again. Once we get to the bathroom she stops and holds the door open for me, looking at the floor the whole time. “I’m gonna go change while you use the bathroom. There’s uh…small towel on the rack right there you can use. Be right back,” she squeaks, and is gone in a flash.
I hurry to use the bathroom before she gets back, she left the door open so I don’t want to accidentally give her The Full Monty. I pull my boxers back on when I’m done. The elastic makes it hard for me to get them off without pulling or pushing against the rod and pins in my leg unless I’m sitting down.
I decide to brush my teeth next. I don’t want to gas her with my bad breath. Of course, when I look down at the counter there’s a new toothbrush, and my favorite brand of toothpaste beside it. She’s doing everything she can think of to make me feel at home here. Just one more thing to love about her.
There’s a knock on the wall outside of the bathroom at the same time I finish up. “You decent?”
“Yep, you can come in.” I nearly choke when she does. I can’t help it, she’s in a damn bikini. A tiny black one with red polka dots.
If I wasn’t a broken mess, and she wasn’t so fragile, I’d be glued to her like white on rice. She’s gorgeous.
“Okay, big guy. Snap out of it, we’ve got work to do,” she giggles as she walks over to get the towel she told me about.
The back view may be even better than the front.
“You’re not making things easy on me you know that, right?” I ask, somehow managing to find my voice.
“I know, but how do you think I’ve felt seeing your Adonis like body every day for almost three weeks? I’ve had to suffer way more in that department than you have. I survived, and so will you. Now, hold this please,” she orders me, shaking the ends of the towel she’s holding together at my right hip.
How did I miss her wrapping it around me? Oh yeah, she half-naked. I’m lucky I still have blood circulating through my brain.
I take a deep breath and balance myself then take the ends of the towel from her.
“Hold tight. If this towel drops to the floor I’m gonna be dropping with it,” she mutters under her breath as she crouches down at my knees.
I’m too tense to laugh. Even my eyes are screwed tightly shut. The view is too much right this minute. Her hands begin to run lightly up the sides of my thighs until they reach the waistband of my boxers, then she slips her fingers underneath it and starts to pull.
Dead puppies, dead PUPPIES, DEAD PUPPIES!
Right before I beg her to stop so I can have a minute to calm myself she taps the ankle of my bad leg. It’s only nerves and reflexes that cause me to pick it up for her. The rest of me is trying like mad to keep my dick under control so I don’t wind up poking her in the eye. I let out a huge gust of air when she stands back up in front of me to take off my sling.
“I’m gonna let you step out of the other one when you walk in the shower. Let’s get this off, and then I’ll get the water warmed up,” she says, sounding much calmer than I feel.
I wish I knew her secret. Maybe it’s the bathing suit. She seems to have a whole lot more confidence since she walked in with it on. Problem is, mine flew out the window at the same time.
“Ellie, maybe you should let me do this on my own,” I mumble once she’s back from turning on the shower. I keep my eyes on the floor.
Her hand cups my cheek, causing me to look up and lock eyes with her. “Nik, I trust you. We can do this okay?” she tries to assure me. She does trust me, I can see it in her eyes.
“I don’t know if I trust myself,” I whisper.
She quickly scowls. “Don’t give me that garbage, of course you do. You’ve been nothing but a gentleman with me, and I have no doubt you’ll continue to be. Now come on before we run out of hot water,” she fusses, grabbing the towel ends with one hand, and handing me my crutch with the other. I’m not sure her ordering me around is helping the situation. She’s sexy as hell when she takes control.
I say a prayer to God that he’ll please help me get through this without embarrassing myself as we make our way into the shower, her still holding the towel around my waist and me using my crutch. She leads me to one of the seats, and I use the handrail to help me sit down. The hot water feels amazing on my back. Once I’m settled and decent she let’s go of the towel, and puts my crutch up against the back wall.
“Is the water too hot?” she asks, coming to stand between my legs.
I force my eyes up to hers so I’m not staring at her beautiful breasts which are right at my eye level. The need I have to cup them in my hands and then bury my face between them is almost too strong to ignore. I can’t see all of them, but from what I can, they are the most perfect pair I’ve ever had the pleasure to see, and I’ve seen a lot of them.
“It’s good,” I whisper. I’m afraid my voice will crack if I try to speak any louder.
“Okay, I’m gonna start with your hair first,” she tells me, reaching for the handheld, and turning it on.
I lean my head back and close my eyes, letting out a sigh when she starts to wet my hair. A few seconds later the water’s gone, and her fingers take its place, rubbing gently through my hair and against my scalp.
Fuck, this is so much better than Nurse Nettie.
So much better I groan with pleasure as I begin to relax.
“That feel good?” she asks.
“Ummm, hummm,” is all I manage.
She giggles. “I bet so. I love having my hair washed, it’s so relaxing.” She leaves the hair over my scar for last, being very careful when she gets to it, then the water is back flowing over my head.
Much more of this, and I could fall asleep.
I open my eyes when I feel her move from between my legs and over to my right side. She has a loofah thing in her hand, pouring soap on it. She gets it nice and sudsy then looks at me. “Can you lean forward so I can do your back?”
I do like she asked and she gets right to work scrubbing, but she’s much more gentle than Miss Nettie was, thank goodness. She starts at my shoulders and slowly works down, all the way down to the top of my ass. I’m shocked when I feel her use the loofah to push the towel down to where it meets the bench, but I don’t say anything, I just enjoy her touch while trying not to enjoy it too much.
Before I know it, she’s back in front of me, gently pushing my right shoulder so I’ll lean back against the shower wall where she attached some kind of pillow before we got in here. She reaches over me, stretching to move the shower head to the side so it’s not pelting my face with water.
I have to force my hand to stay in my lap so I don’t touch her soft wet stomach. Her skin looks so smooth. She has a few, small stretch marks, but we all do somewhere.
Once she gets the shower adjusted, I lean back for her and she quickly starts washing me again, silently gliding the loofah over my neck and shoulders. She’s being so gentle and soft I almost wish she’d be rougher so it wouldn’t feel so good. I also want her to throw that damn loofah down, and use her hands on me.
Then she gets on her knees between my legs and starts washing my chest, almost making me choke again. It may be easier for her to reach all of me that way, but it’s hard as hell for me to keep my dick under control. There’s only a few inches and a thin wet towel between it and her.
So fucking close, yet so fucking far away.
I lean my head against the wall and try to keep a stream of dead puppies and old naked people running through my head. It works until I feel her hand start to slide up my left side under my arm, and her thumb slips across my left nipple.
“Ellie,” I grit out between my teeth.
She looks startled for a second, then she smiles the tiniest bit. “I need to wash under your arm, the loofah’s too big. My hand isn’t,” she explains and keeps sliding it gently between my arm and side.
It only takes her a few more minutes to finish washing the rest of me, but it seemed like hours. Somehow, I was able to keep my monster in his towel cage, but it was a dangerously close call when she ran the loofah up my inner thigh and under the towel. I jumped and she apologized, then quickly moved on.
Finally, she stands back up, but instead of taking the handheld down to rinse me off like I figured she would she puts the loofah in my right hand. “I’ll turn around so you can do the rest, when you’re done I’ll rinse you off,” she tells me quietly, then turns around.
I flip the towel off and hurry to get it done and over with, then cover myself back up again. “Okay, I’m done.”
She turns around and goes straight for the handheld beginning to rinse me off as planned. The hot water thankfully begins to ease the tension I’ve been holding onto so tightly, but it’s over too quick.
“You rinse under the towel while I go get us some dry ones,” she says handing me the handheld before walking out of the shower.
I’m not sure whether I’m relieved or disappointed this is almost over. I don’t know how in the hell I’m gonna be able to stand this tension every day either. My balls are gonna be so damned blue it’s pathetic. I get my bits rinsed off, wishing the water was cold so I could have some help, but the hot water holds out, leaving me on my own.
Ellie walks over to me, takes the handheld back, hanging it up again, then turns off the water. She grabs my crutch and leans it beside me, before holding her hand out for me to take.
“Um, if I let you help me up, this towel’s going to fall off.”
“I know, I promise to keep my eyes closed. Once you’re standing you can help get one of these dry ones around you,” she says patting one of the towels hanging over her shoulders, her eyes already shut tight.
I reach out and take her hand, closing my own eyes as I take a deep breath then pull myself up. My eyes open as I feel the towel sliding down my left leg. Ellie jumps as it hits the floor with a loud slap. We both freeze, her out of fear probably, me so I won’t pull her luscious body against my naked one. I want so badly for her to open her eyes and look at me, but I feel like an ass for wanting it, too.
She let’s go of my hand and feels her way up my arm until she’s touching my chest, then steps closer to me. Making sure we’re both steady first, she pulls one of the towels off her shoulder opening it up, one end in each hand. “You hold this end,” she whispers, holding the end on my right side out to me.
I take it from her, waiting to see what she’s gonna do with her end. She slowly reaches out with her left hand until it touches my stomach then takes another step closer, nearly putting us skin to skin as she reaches behind my back with her other hand, wrapping the towel around my hips.
I hold my breath, feeling hers coming out in little pants that cool the wet skin of my chest. Having her this close is such sweet torture. It takes everything in me not to pull her the rest of the way against me, and crush my lips to hers.
I close my eyes instead, and lean my cheek against her hair as she takes my end of the towel and twists it tightly with the other, securing it snugly to my hips. As soon as she’s done she pulls away, her cheeks stained a beautiful pink as she looks at me with dark hooded eyes. I can’t take anymore.
“Ellie.” Her name leaves my lips sounding deep and strained, begging her for what, I don’t know. She needs to run, but I want so fucking badly for her to stay.
Giving me what I want most, she steps closer again, pressing her softness against me. I can’t help but wrap my arm around her to keep her there. She kisses the skin over my heart, not knowing it’s already hers, then leans back to look up at me while reaching up and rubbing her thumb across my cheekbone.
“How are you doing it?” she asks, searching my eyes for an answer.
“Doing what?”
She stretches up towards me until her lips are only a breath away from mine. “Taking away my fears,” she whispers.
Then she kisses me.