ELLIE
POOR NIK HAS NOT HAD the best day, but he’s so adorable when he’s medicated. Like a little boy with his heart in his eyes. I can’t help but smile as I lay here watching him fight sleep.
“You’re so beautiful, Ellie. I love your smile,” he whispers, his heavy eyes finally closing. “I hope I can always make you smile, so I can see it every day and night for the rest of my life.”
I freeze, feeling his words reach into my chest and squeeze my heart. Lying in bed with this beautiful man and holding his hand as he says sweet things to me is too much. It terrifies me how desperately I want them to be true, and of the hope they dare me to have.
Hope.
That’s been a foreign word to me for years now. One I lost all faith in, and refused to even acknowledge existed in my world anymore, but Nik is forcing me to see that it’s still there. Just because I didn’t want to feel it, didn’t mean it wasn’t still a part of me. I have to acknowledge it now, because it’s crawling its way out of the darkness inside of me, refusing to let me hide anymore, but of course my panic fights back as always.
I can’t be here with him right now, it hurts too much to look at his beautiful face. It’s too scary to feel these things for him, to know he might feel the same for me. I carefully pull my fingers free from his hand and get off the bed, hurrying out the door as quietly as I can.
Rushing out onto the back porch I breathe in gulps of salty air hoping to calm my racing heart. I’ve been fighting to keep the attacks at bay for the last five days, but there’s no stopping this one.
Pacing up and down the porch, counting my steps as I go, does nothing to sway it. When my breathing gets so out of control my vision starts to go black I curl up on the lounger. Giving in to the terror, I let it consume me. The only way I’m getting over this one is to go through it, and come out the other side.
It could’ve lasted only minutes or possibly much longer, but the fear slowly begins to let me go, and I return to the land of the living. The sun is still relatively high in the sky, and the tides are only beginning to come back in. I must not have been down long.
Oh, God! Nik!
I scramble back in the house to check on him, but I worried for nothing. He’s still out cold, snoozing away. I ignore the clenching I feel in my heart at seeing him, like I have every other time it’s done it when my eyes have landed on him. I’m too afraid to think about what it means. I shuffle back to my bedroom, and collapse onto the bed with a giant sigh.
How in the ever-loving hell am I gonna make it through the next couple of months like this?
I know I have not a single clue how to answer that, but I know someone who might. I need Vicky. I find my phone and dial her.
“Ellie! How are you? It’s so good to hear from you,” she gushes enthusiastically.
“Hi, Vicky. How are you?” I reply, with decidedly less enthusiasm.
“I’m well, but I can tell that you are not. Tell me.”
“Nik was released from the hospital today.”
“Well, that’s wonderful news. Why would that have you out of sorts, dear?”
“I brought him to my place. We’ll be staying here together. Alone. For at least two months,” I tell her, not hiding my nervousness.
“Oh, I see. You’re worried about developing feelings for him, aren’t you?”
I take a deep shaky breath before answering. “I think I already have, and I think he has for me, too. It terrifies me, Vicky.”
“I can understand that. I felt the same when I met Richard. It was very hard to move forward with him after losing Mark. I dealt with fear and guilt, just as you are. I was afraid of risking my heart again, too. It’s scary to gamble with our hearts after losing someone, but we must, if we ever want to move on and find joy again.”
“But I’m still such a broken mess. I feel like I’m stuck together with kiddie glue and tape. I know if the least little thing happens, I’ll fall to pieces. If I do, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put them back together again. If I let myself feel anything for him, and it doesn’t work out… It’ll be the end of me. I can’t survive another heartbreak. I can’t,” I finish with a whisper.
“Sweetheart, just because things have gone wrong in the past, doesn’t mean they will again. Don’t let your fears stop you or let you run. You could leave Savannah right now, and it wouldn’t change what you feel for him, and you do feel something for him, Ellie, you know you do,” she tells me gently.
I do. God help me, I do.
“Be honest with me, and yourself, too, sweetheart. There is a part of you that truly wants to feel things for Nik, isn’t there?”
It takes me a minute to find the courage to answer that, but when I do I can’t stop the words that seem hell-bent on being voiced. “Yes, there is. A bigger part than I care to admit. I want to be the reason he smiles. I want the comfort he is so willing to give me, just like I can’t help but give him. I want to laugh with him, and talk about nothing for hours just so I can listen to his voice. I want to touch him, and I want to feel his hands on me. I want to kiss him, and be kissed by him. I want so badly to be loved by him, but I’m so afraid of loving him in return. So afraid if I do that he’ll be taken from me like the rest of them were.”
Vicky stays quiet for several long moments, giving me time to absorb my own words, to accept them, and what they mean. I’m definitely beginning to, now that I’ve said them out loud, but that doesn’t mean my demons don’t want to put in their two cents worth.
“I feel all of that, Vicky, want all of that, but you and I both know what happens to the people I love. Not to mention the guilt I’m feeling.”
“Ellie, dear, I know your past is a huge weight you feel you must carry around, but it doesn’t have to be. Think about this, if you refuse to let yourself fall in love again because you’re worried you’ll lose him, then you’re also refusing to let yourself be happy, and in turn him, too. You can’t keep sadness away without keeping happiness away at the same time. Running away from your feelings will only bring you both sadness. As for the guilt, we’ve covered that numerous times. You need to forgive yourself, you deserve to be happy,” she says with assurance.
As usual, I don’t have the words to respond to that.
“Can you tell me anything about what Nik is feeling?” she asks. “Have the two of you discussed your past, or your feelings for each other at all?”
“He told me today that I had a beautiful smile, and he hoped he could always make me smile because he wanted to see it every day for the rest of his life,” I blurt out, not able to keep the all my giddiness contained.
“He sounds wonderfully sweet.”
“He is, Vicky. He’s so gentle with me, and so patient, but he was high on painkillers and mostly asleep when he said that about my smile, so I’m not sure I can put much stock in those words. Talking about watching me smile for the rest of his life is a huge leap from where we are right now,” I mutter.
“What else has he said when he wasn’t on pain killers then?”
I spend the next few minutes telling her about Nik’s little speech to me the other day, and all the sweet things he said.
She’s quiet for a minute after I finish, then clears her throat. “Ellie, I’m going to be your friend right now, and not your therapist, okay?”
“Okay?”
“If you dare let that man slip through your fingers because you’re scared or stubborn, I’m gonna beat your tail. Do you hear me young lady?” she threatens me almost as good as Aunt Maggie used to.
“What?” I ask, better words failing me. I can’t believe she said that to me, it’s so not like her.
“You heard me, Ellie. Nik is right, you didn’t need him to save you, and you don’t need him to make you whole or complete you, but having your broken and wounded heart cared for by him has to be a wonderful. Because from what you’ve just told me, he doesn’t see you that way. He doesn’t see a broken person or a wounded soul. He loves you, cracks and all,” she finishes softly.
“Loves me?” I protest, “Vicky, Nik doesn’t love me. It’s way too soon for that. I do think he cares for me, but love is pushing it.”
“Whether you believe I’m right or not–which I am by the way–I want you to think about what I’ve said. Long and hard, Ellie. Promise me that,” she demands sternly.
“All right, I will. I promise,” I quickly assure her.
I’ve never heard her use this tone of voice with me. It’s kind of scary.
“Good, and remember, if you run from the fear of sadness, you’ll be running from the joy, too,” she says then the line goes dead.
I pull the phone away from my face, and stare at it as if it can tell me what on earth just got into her. That is the oddest conversation I have ever had with her. It almost makes me wonder if she was channeling Aunt Maggie, or maybe even Miss Naomi. It was certainly very similar to the many lectures I got from them growing up.
“Ellie?” Nik calls out.
“Be right there,” I tell him as I roll off the bed, and slip down the hall, making sure I have a smile on my face before I walk into his room. “Hey. You feeling any better?” I ask, probably a little too cheerfully.
I falter when I look him over. He’s pushed himself up against the headboard of the bed. I can see almost every inch of his gloriously naked torso. We never did manage to get a shirt on him earlier. His left arm being in a sling is only hiding a small amount from my eager eyes. Making things even worse, he has a small, but very sexy, case of bed head, and an adorable lopsided grin on his perfect face.
He’s trying to kill me, I just know it.
“I am,” he smiles brightly.
I knew it.
“Thanks to you taking such good care of me,” he finishes, seemingly oblivious to the effect he’s having on me.
Oh, guess we’re not talking about the same thing.
“No problem, that’s my job,” I chirp.
“Umm, can I ask you something?” he asks.
“Mmm hmm.”
“I thought you told me this place was old and dated. It sure doesn’t look it to me, at least not this room. This bed I’m on is very familiar, too. I’m afraid to ask, but is this what you’ve been up to the last few days?”
Ducking my head, I grimace. “You caught me, but the bed is just similar to yours. It’s not your actual bed from home. I went to your place and checked yours out, and looked to see what kind of mattress you used. I wanted you to be able to rest, and for it to feel as much like home as possible for you,” I rush out, my nerves in knots worried he’s not happy with my highhandedness.
“Ellie,” he scolds me.
Shit. I did screw up. I only wanted him to be comfortable. I don’t think I can handle him being mad at me right now. I can already feel myself wilting like a flower.
“Come here,” he asks, well no, maybe more like orders. I can’t do anything other than chew my lip and look at the floor. “Please come sit with me. I’m not angry, I promise,” he tries to assure me while I hear him pat the bed beside him.
Vicky’s words about running away float through my head, giving me the push I need. I perch myself at the foot of the bed.
“Will you sit here, please?” he asks, pointing one long finger into the mattress right beside his hip.
I have to look away and swallow down my nerves. The thought of being so close to his naked chest is causing all sorts of chaos to my insides.
I can do this, I can be brave, and sit beside him. He’s not going to bite me.
I stand back up, and take the few steps needed to get to where he wants me, then sit down again. Still pretending to be brave, I bring my eyes up to his instead of looking at my lap like I want to.
He looks back at me sweetly, a very small smile tugging up one corner of his mouth, then reaches out and takes my left hand in his, pulling it up to his lips to kiss my fingers. “Thank you. You did not need to do this for me, I really appreciate it though,” he says, tugging me closer to him. Close enough that I wind up laying against his side with my head on his shoulder, while his arm is wrapped around me, his hand playing in my hair. I melt into him, not able to hold onto my doubts and fears with him being so warm and gentle. “You’re a beautiful person, Ellie. I wonder if you have any idea what you’re doing to me,” he whispers so quietly I almost miss it.
I think I should be saying those words to him.
“I can’t believe you went to all this trouble for me. I absolutely did not want to add to your work load by choosing to come here,” he says, sounding guilty.
“You didn’t, I promise. This place needed it really bad, Nik. I swear it did. I promise I did it as much for me as I did for you,” I assure him, rubbing my hand up and down his arm. His skin is so warm and smooth under my fingers. I love how hard and strong his muscles feel in contrast.
“How much did you actually update? Surely, not the whole house?” he asks, kissing the top of my head.
I gently pull out of his hold, so I can look at him again. I don’t want to let myself get too comfortable in his arms, I may never leave them again if I do. He frowns at me, so I take his hand in mine to maintain some contact.
“I had the kitchen and guest bathroom redone, and bought new furniture for the rest of the place.”
“You had all of that done in five days?” he asks incredulously, throwing his eyebrows up until they come right back down with a wince of pain.
His headache must not be completely gone.
“Let me go get you a drink. I think you can have another pain killer if you need it,” I say, jumping up and heading toward the door.
“Ellie, wait. I’m all right, I don’t need another pill yet, but can you come help me up? I need to get to the bathroom, and I don’t know my way around yet.”
“Oh, gosh. I’m sorry. Come on, I’ll help you,” I babble as I help get him to his feet, and grab the crutch.
I stay close as he takes the slow trek across the room, and out the door. He takes a short break and leans against the door jamb for a few seconds, then goes again, taking the remaining few steps to get to the bathroom.
God, please tell me he doesn’t need me to pull his pants down. I’ll die right there on the bathroom floor if he does.
“You got this, or do you need help?” I squeak, not daring to look up at him. My face is already hot as a firecracker.
“I think I can handle it,” his deep voice rumbles in my ear.
My head jerks up, and all I see is his sexy grin. “Okay, I’ll wait out here,” I manage to whisper.
I hear him chuckle to himself after I close the door behind him.
Glad one of us thinks this is funny.
Heading back to his room, I grab a shirt for him to wear. I can’t handle him walking around half naked. It short circuits my brain. I go back to the bathroom, waiting until I hear the toilet flush, and him shuffle around a bit before leaning close to the door to check on him. “You still making it….”
The door pops open, and I’m greeted by his smooth, golden chest. All I can think about is how much I want to rub my hands all over it, as I kiss and lick my way across his skin.
God, what is this man doing to me?
“How did you manage to get anyone to put in that super nice modern bathroom in less than five days?” he asks, pulling me out of my X-rated thoughts.
“Money?” I confess. “I’ve found out people will do anything for the right amount of money,” I tell him, backing up so he can get out. He stays right where he is, staring at me hard. “All I had were claw foot tubs. There was no way you could get in and out of those, Nik. I called up a contractor, and told him what I needed, and how much I’d pay him to get it done by this morning. I’ve never seen a happier crew of men working around the clock in my life,” I smirk at him, hoping to get the scowl off his face.
He raises up his left eyebrow.
I love and hate that eyebrow.
“How much did you pay them, Ellie? I bet the bastards screwed…” He stops abruptly when I give him a scowl of my own. “Sorry. Sorry, that was rude. It’s none of my business. I’m sorry,” he apologizes, hanging his head a bit.
“No, don’t worry about it,” I sigh. “Come on, let’s get you settled in the living room, and I’ll explain, okay?” I tell him, waving him down the hall.
It takes us several minutes, but we finally make it to the living room, cover his Adonis like body with a shirt, and get him into the recliner I got him. Dr. T. told me Nik would need one, and feel more comfortable in one, too. He rolled his eyes at me when he saw it, but let out a satisfying sigh once he was in it and relaxed.
“Before you ask, the furniture in here was nothing but hideous brown and orange velvet flower pieces. They were going to the dump before we even planned on coming here, same for the bedrooms. Staying here only made it happen sooner, and please don’t worry about anyone scamming me. Cash helped me find some good guys, and it was my decision to pay them triple.”
“Triple?” he yells, jerking his head up to look at me. Of course, he regrets it instantly, the wincing and groaning are dead giveaways.
I move closer and run my fingers through his hair almost on reflex. “Hush. There’s nothing for you to get upset about. We haven’t talk about my finances before, but I have more than enough money. I could have paid them ten times what I did, and it wouldn’t have made a dent in my pocketbook.” Both eyebrows are up in his hairline when he hears that. I shrug. “My in-laws were loaded when they passed, and by loaded, I mean millionaires. With Josh gone, it’s all mine now.”
His face becomes a mask of remorse. “I’m sorry, Ellie. For everything. For your family, for putting you in this situation, for questioning you. For—”
I put my finger over his soft lips to stop his apology. “I told you to hush.” I give him a wink to soften my reprimand. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Every choice that has been made since I came down here has been mine. You didn’t ask if I wanted saving, and I didn’t ask if you wanted to be taken care of, but I think we’re both doing what we are for the right reasons, don’t you?” I ask him, leaning down to kiss his forehead.
He’s smiling when I stand back up and look at him. “Yeah, I do.”
“All right then. Are you hungry? I was thinking spaghetti.”
“God, spaghetti sounds amazing!” he groans dramatically. “They were trying to poison me with that hospital shit. I’m dying for a taste of real food.”
“I thought you might be. It won’t take long to fix. Here’s the remote, holler if you need me. The kitchen’s right through here,” I tell him.
Twenty minutes later I’ve got supper all finished. I made the sauce yesterday to make tonight easier. I walk back into the living room to see where he wants to eat, and find my house guest has fallen asleep again, the poor thing. I very gently sit down on the arm of the recliner figuring the movement will wake him, but surprisingly he doesn’t stir. I shamelessly take the opportunity to soak in his attractiveness.
He’s so beautiful it almost hurts to look at him. As my eyes trace and map out every line, plane, and contour of his gorgeous face I think over my conversation with Vicky.
Should I listen to her, and give myself another chance at happiness with him? I can’t deny a part of me certainly wants to, but can I find it in myself to start over? Can I love a man who isn’t Josh? Can I let Nik touch me, make love to me even, and not think about Josh? Can I love Nik without fear and doubt following me around like dark clouds all hours of the day?
I want so badly to say yes to all of those questions, but I’m not sure I’m ready yet, even if I want to be.
He must feel me thinking hard about him because his eyes flutter open, and a smile spreads across his face when he sees me. “Hey, did I miss supper?”
“Nope, it’s hot and ready,” I answer with a smile of my own. I’m finding it impossible not to smile back at him when he casts one of his irresistible ones in my direction. “Where would you like to eat? Here, the kitchen, or out on the porch?” I ask as I stand back up and give him space.
It’s me that really needs it.
“How about the porch? I haven’t gotten to be outside in weeks it feels like.”
“The porch it is. Hang on a minute, and I’ll get the table set, and then help you out.” I hurry to grab the plates and silverware, then go back out again. When I walk in the living room he’s already standing by the backdoor waiting on me. “Pushing already, I see,” I scold him.
He gives me a sheepish smile as I walk past him to open the door. I set the plates and silverware on the table, and then help him get settled in one of the chairs, with his leg propped up on a big, cushy footstool, before heading back in to get the food. I’m back with a steaming bowl of spaghetti, warm soft bread, and two sweet teas in flash.
“It’s as gorgeous out here as it was out front. The view is just as great as you said it would be,” he says with a soft smile as I make my way around the table.
“Isn’t it? The view makes the sour smell of the marshes worth it, I think,” I say, grinning while fixing him a big plate then passing it to him.
“Holy shit, this looks and smells delicious. I’m gonna go ahead and ask for your forgiveness now, because I’m probably about to make a pig out of myself in front of you,” he says with a smirk before digging into his food with abandon.
“You’re forgiven. I expected no less. I know how much a grown man eats,” I say without thinking first. I glance at him to see if he caught my slip up.
He’s stopped eating, and is giving me an understanding look. “You know, you can talk about him if you want, Ellie. It won’t bother me. He was a huge part of your life. I don’t expect you to pretend he didn’t exist when you’re around me. Or any of them. That would be incredibly selfish on my part. I’d love to hear about them when you’re ready. They helped make you so amazing after all.”
I stare at him, once again not believing he’s real. The more time I spend with him, the more perfect he gets. I don’t think I stand a chance in this naive fight I’m waging against my feelings. It’s a losing battle.
He begins to look nervous when I stay silent. “Did I say the wrong thing? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean－”
“You didn’t say anything wrong, Nik. What you said couldn’t have been more right. Thank you.” I reach over and rub the back of his hand. “I’m sure I’ll take you up on your offer one day, but right now, eat, before it gets cold,” I tell him, and dig into my own food.
He eats two plates of spaghetti, and over half the bread by the time he declares himself full, I barely finished one.
Looks like I’m gonna be doing a lot of grocery shopping, but I’m glad. It’s satisfying seeing a man eat his fill of the food you prepared.
He lets out a loud “Aahhhh” and rubs his stomach as he grins at me. “Thank you. I haven’t eaten anything so good in weeks. If you keep feeding me so well, I’m gonna have to be at the gym twenty-four seven once I’m able, so I can work off my gut.”
“Ha! I’d have to feed you a mountain of food for you to get a gut. I’ll try to keep it as healthy as possible though. The docs said no gym for you for a while.”
“Yeah, I know. Maybe PT will be enough,” he sighs.
We sit quietly for a few minutes, him looking around the porch and out at the marshes, me watching him.
My view is better than his, I think.
After looking over at Miss Naomi’s daybed swing for a few seconds he turns to me with a hopeful smile. “Do you think you’d like to sit with me on that swing bed thing, and watch the sunset?”
“Swing bed? That’s one way to describe it,” I laugh. “But, yes, I’ll sit with you. Let me put the dishes in the kitchen first,” I tell him, standing up and gathering our empty plates together. “You’re gonna stay your stubborn ass in that chair until I get back though. We’re not going to the hospital again because you rushed things and got hurt trying to get into a swing, are we?” I ask, giving him a stern look.
“No, ma’am. I promise I’ll be good and wait right here,” he sighs, but the smirk on his lips ruins it.
“Thank you. I’ll be right back.”
It only takes me a couple of minutes to scrape the plates off and leave everything soaking in some hot soapy water to clean later. I pour Nik another tea, slip on my thin sweater, and put his pain pills in my pocket. He’ll be needing them soon. I walk back outside, pleased to see him is right where I left him.
“Okie doke, the dishes are soaking. You ready?” I ask, reaching for his ankle, but not moving it yet. I usually lift his leg for him if it’s propped up; it still hurts him pretty bad to do it on his own.
“Ready,” he tells me with a forced smile.
I stop and look at him pointedly. “The pain meds have worn off, haven’t they?” He nods his head at me. I pull the pills out of my pocket, shaking one into my palm and holding it out to him.
“Thank you. I swear you’re a mind reader. You always know what I need,” he says, grimacing, then pops the pill into his mouth, washing it down with a big swallow of tea.
I get up and walk over to stand behind him. Slipping my fingers into his hair I gently rub his scalp. I’m careful not to go near the scar on the right side of his head. We learned real quick he can’t stand to have it touched, it’s still too painful. After a few minutes, I move down to his neck, and lightly massage it until I feel him relax a bit.
“We can go in, Nik. There’ll be another sunset tomorrow evening, too,” I say hoping to persuade him to get some more rest. Mostly because I don’t want him to hurt any more than he has to, but also because I’m nervous about being on that swing with him. Laying there while we watch the sunset will be one step closer to the point of no return.
He slowly sits up, pulling away from my hands. “No, I want to stay out here. I’m sick of looking at walls and watching TV. I promise we’ll go in if the pain gets worse. Help me up?” he asks.
I swallow down my nerves for what seems like the hundredth time today, knowing it certainly won’t be the last time I do it before the day is done, then walk around to help him. Once he’s steady I hand him the crutch, and stay close as he makes his way over to the swing. I hold it as still as I can while he slowly sits down, then help him adjust to a comfortable position. I sort of freeze when it’s my turn to sit down, not sure where to go.
“Come on, sit right here. On your side facing out,” he instructs me, pointing between his spread thighs. “You can lay your head up here, if you want,” he says, patting the right side of his chest.
I look at him, my bottom lip trapped between my teeth, praying he doesn’t see me shaking with the storm of emotions that have come out of nowhere, threatening to overwhelm me. He’s looking back at me as if he sees all my fears, and wants to help me battle them. His hand is open, and waiting for me to place mine into it. Suddenly, this isn’t about sitting on a swing with him. It’s about so much more.
Be brave, you coward. Don’t give into the fear. Don’t run anymore, just stay. Believe in the hope he’s giving you and stay. Stay and give him a chance, give this a chance. Give yourself a chance.
“Nik?” His name leaves my lips barely a whisper, and I’m not sure if I’m pleading with myself or with him. I’m desperate for an answer either way.
“I’m right here, Ellie. Take my hand, and I promise it’ll be okay. Trust me,” he whispers back, his promise heavy with much more than an evening swing to watch the sun set.
More scared than I think I’ve ever been, I slip my hand into his, letting him pull me down to lay with him, fighting back tears the whole time. The tightness with which his arm holds me, and his shaky breath I feel against my hair, tell me he knows the weight of the promise he just made, and how hard it was for me to trust in it.
“Let it go,” he says softly, kissing my head while his fingers start to play with my hair.
“What?”
“The pain, Ellie. You can let it go. I’m right here with you. Just let it go.”
That’s exactly what I do, letting go so much that I cry harder and longer than I ever have in the arms of a man I’m very quickly falling in love with.