Logan
I wanted nothing more than to get blind drunk and forget today. I’d had a great time in London – the second day with Chloe where I was so close to her I could pretend she was mine, even if it was only for a few hours. That day seemed years ago compared to the absolute shit of a day Jace’s birthday was.
Jace should be twenty-one. He should be here celebrating with a liquid breakfast, lunch and dinner. I should be planning a night out to get my properly grown up brother well and truly wankered. Instead I was standing at the gate to the cemetery, not able to take a step inside, like the fucking pussy I was.
Chloe had offered to come with me, Cass and my parents had offered to hang around until I arrived but I’d turned every one of them down because I wanted to do it alone. Well, I couldn’t do it alone. There was nothing I could do to make my legs start working and walk up to his grave.
One of the shittiest things about this situation was him in this place. He was never alone when he was alive, never, but now he only had company when someone made the trip to sit above him and talk about mindless stuff that paled in comparison to him being in a box.
There were other people here, visiting their loved ones. At the minute Jace had no one with him. Mum, Dad, Cass and Chlo had left behind flowers. Jace’s grave now looked like a fucking florist. He was a guy, he didn’t even like flowers. I had a bottle of Jack in my hand but I couldn’t get through the gate to have a drink with my brother.
Finally, I made my legs work and walked over to his grave. I sat down and froze up. On the rare occasions I’d been here I’d never known what to say. It didn’t help that when I’d been here with anyone else they’d talked to him as if he was still here. I felt like shit that I couldn’t do that.
Pouring a little Jack Daniels into the shot glass from my pocket, I downed it, filled it up again and sat it on the grass above him.
“Happy birthday, buddy.” Jesus, I felt like I was going to ball like a baby and sounded like I was going to as well.
“Jace, you know I’m not good at this shit and I bet you’re pissing yourself laughing from wherever you are right now, for which I will get you back one day, unless, of course, I don’t die until I’m a little old man. Hey, at least you’ll finally be able to beat me! Bloody pussy.” I smiled at the memory of him trying to wrestle me to the floor.
I was being inappropriate, I think. What was protocol for talking to a dead person? Was it all about how much you loved and missed them? That kind of went without saying. He drove me crazy and loving Chloe while he was with her put a strain on my relationship with him but I would’ve died for him in a heartbeat. I would switch places with him right now.
“Sorry, bud. I don’t even know if you can see what’s going on from where you are, I assume you can, but I’m still sorry. I’ve been a shit brother for years. I envied you for years. I wanted to be the one who woke up beside her, who she looked at with that look, who she came to with a problem. I wanted to be the one who got to hold her and kiss her and make everything better. I watched you do that and it killed me, but I also want you to know that it only ever made me hate myself. I may have envied you and I may have wanted what you had but I could never hate you. Shit, Jace, I don’t want her to affect me so much and I don’t want to love her to the point where it suffocates me, but I have no idea how to make it stop. You know I would make it disappear if I could.”
I gulped, tapping my fingers against my legs. “Half the time I don’t know what I’m doing. It’s a fucking miracle I helped her at all because I feel like I’m fucking up at every turn. I wish you were still here to keep the line firmly in place. I can’t stop myself thinking about being with her, as hard as I try, I just can’t fucking stop. God, if she was here right now I’d get told off for swearing so much. Her bloody fault though, right? Seriously, man, I just need you to know that I can’t help any of it.”
I downed a mouthful straight from the bottle as I felt a tear on my cheek.
“I’m so sorry, Jace,” I whispered. “Don’t hate me. Hey, does it help that it hurts like fuck to want her this badly but to know that I’ll never get anywhere?” I tried to make it sound like a joke but I couldn’t lift my voice enough. There was nothing funny about how much I wanted to be with her.
I took another long swig, swallowing a lump in my throat down with the whisky. A damn tear dropped onto my lap. “I miss you, bro. It might not seem like it but I do and I’d give anything to have you back. Chloe would, too, she’d want you.” She’d wish I could switch places with Jace, too. I took a deep, broken breath and clenched my jaw. That hurt.
“Sorry, today’s about you and I’m being a dick. You know I suck at this. I should’ve just stuck with I love you and I miss you, huh? I do, Jace.”
The next gulp didn’t burn anymore; the whisky slid down nicely and took the edge off how shitty I felt.
“We never really got the chance to go drinking together, did we? You were always too busy on your bloody Xbox or with Chlo. Probably a good thing though, you didn’t need to learn that alcohol can, temporarily, solve your problems. Thing is, you sober up eventually and you’re left to deal with your shit with a hangover. Now I’m on drunk watch; someone’s always waiting to stop me going over the edge,” I said, waving the bottle around before downing a bit more.
“Oh no, you don’t,” Chloe said, snatching the bottle of Jack off me.
I turned back to my brother, waving my now empty hand. “See!”
She sat down, putting my drink as far out of my reach as she could. While her back was turned, I swiped my hands over my face. “What’re you doing, Logan?”
I pointed to Jace’s grave. “I’m having a drink with my brother on his birthday.”
“That would be all well and good if this didn’t have falling off the wagon written all over it. I’m not letting you drown your sorrows and get drunk, especially not here. Jace wouldn’t want that either.”
I shrugged. “I dunno, I think he might like it.”
“Why’re you really getting drunk, Logan?”
“Isn’t it obvious, Chloe?”
She growled. “God, you’re such a pain in the arse!” Her small, warm hand found its way around mine and I almost stopped breathing. I’d not had enough alcohol to think kissing her was a good idea – I don’t think that amount of alcohol existed anyway – but, fuck me, I wanted to.
“Please, don’t do this, Logan. This isn’t going to help anyone. I know you miss him, I miss him, too, but there’s nothing we can do and getting wasted isn’t going to make you feel better, not in the long run.”
“I hate it when you make sense.”
She smiled and it made her eyes lighten. “I always make sense.”
Yeah, she had always made sense. That was the fucking problem.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to piss over today.”
She squeezed my hand and I had a hard time restraining myself from grabbing her and wrapping my entire body around hers. I wanted her tucked against my chest, in my arms so we could grieve Jace together, support each other.
“How’re you doing?” I asked. She looked okay, no redness around her eyes, no pain in her smile.
“I’m doing really good actually. This is the first time a birthday or anniversary has felt…” She trailed off, frowning and pouting her lip very slightly as she tried to find the right word. “I’m not sure how to explain it. Happy definitely isn’t right. I can remember him and smile, I can wish him happy birthday without wanting to curl up in a ball and not exist for a while. I feel peaceful.”
Good. I wished I could find that, too. I wished I didn’t love her so damn much so I could stop feeling the crushing guilt on top of missing him. I couldn’t forgive myself for wanting what I wanted so I couldn’t just pure and simple miss him, there was all this guilt around it, tainting it.
Well, there was no way I wasn’t holding her now, I needed it more than I’d ever needed anything. “Come here, sweetheart.”
She shuffled closer, sitting by my side and laying her head on my shoulder as I wrapped my arm around her. “I’m so glad you’re doing okay. I was worried about you.”
“I think it’s you we need to worry about now. You’re the one that needs to make peace with what’s happened. We can’t change it; we can’t control it. The past is set in stone, Logan, and all we can do is focus on the future. I want you to be able to come here and not want to drink. You and Jace deserve to still have a relationship that doesn’t hurt you.”
I’d never have that.
“Is that what you’ve got?”
“Yes. It’s different, obviously, but I still feel close to him and I still talk to him a lot. I wish I could have him back, I miss my best friend, but I can’t.”
My heart stuttered and I wondered if she’d picked up on the fact that she’d said she wanted him back as a best friend and not boyfriend. She was over him, if that was even the right way of explaining it, but I’d just assumed she would want everything the way it used to be if she could. Was Jace just a best friend now?
“I’m glad to hear that,” I replied, leaning my head against hers. Closing my eyes, I added, “What about your birthday?”
“Nothing big. I feel like a quiet one this year.”
It’d been a quiet one for the last couple years but I got it.
“Next year I’m throwing you a massive party.”
She laughed quietly, snuggling that tiny bit closer and putting her hand on the grass above Jace. “Deal.”