Chloe
I went straight to Logan’s room to change and wondered if I should be helping myself to his clothes anymore. But the fact that I’d mindlessly gone to his room told me everything. I wasn’t Jace’s anymore, I was completely Logan’s, no matter if we could eventually make a relationship work or not.
After quickly changing into some of his old clothes and ignoring the urge to climb in his bed and call him up, I went downstairs to meet Mr Motivator.
Logan stood by the front door, leaning against the wall, texting on his phone. He looked painfully perfect. While he was distracted I took a minute to really take him in and as I raked my eyes over every inch of his body my heart hurt in the best way.
Finally, I cleared my throat and he looked up. “I’m ready.”
He smiled a lot and nodded towards the door. “After you then.”
We started at a gentle jog, both careful to keep a safe distance. I could feel the pull. I wanted the contact. Having him in my life was all that mattered and right now we could only do that as friends.
“How’re things at home?” I asked.
“Fine. Mum and Cass have talked to them so things are alright, like I thought.”
There was definitely a dig in there; a little if you’d have stayed rather than ran again things would be fine by now.
“Yeah, your nan and aunt called me and apologised. It was an awkward conversation at first but they explained how they felt and the reasons behind the reaction, and I did too. That meant a lot to me, and I’m glad you sorted it out with them as well. I hated the idea that I’d driven a wedge between you and your family.”
“You didn’t, we didn’t, they did.”
We were never going to agree on this one. He would only see my side if he was in my shoes. I knew he would step back if he thought it was hurting me. As much as he wanted us to happen I knew his family hurt him and I knew he wouldn’t want to go through life without their support. I knew they were getting their heads around it but if that was how Logan’s own family reacted then how would other people? I didn’t want to be that girl in people’s eyes.
I pursed my lips, not wanting to continue the conversation and have it turn into an argument. We were walking on ice and I was scared to say the wrong thing in case he decided he was done with me completely.
“Work okay?”
“Oh, for fuck sake!” he shouted, stopping suddenly, grabbing my arms and pushing me against the nearest tree. I gasped as my back made contact with a thud and his chest pressed against mine.
His eyes were on fire.
I was against a tree, again.
“What’re you doing?” I whispered, swallowing sand.
I could feel what he was doing. I could see it.
He was making it impossible.
Against everything my body was screaming for, I put my hands on his chest and pushed him away. My fingers gripped his shirt as I put some distance between us, not really wanting to let go. I wanted to cry. He could crush me in a second. Not even Jace could do that.
He looked devastated as he let go of my arms.
Fear gripped me by the throat. I wasn’t just scared of how I felt about Logan; I was outright terrified. “I need… time. I don’t know.” Not time, that wouldn’t help. I didn’t know what I needed, but I definitely needed something.
He stroked my cheek and my heart stuttered. “No more time.”
“Why are you doing this, Logan?”
“Why?” His eyes lost their tenderness. “Seriously, why? How blind can you be? I fucking love you, Chloe!”
The floor fell away. I froze. He loved me. Shit. I felt two very big, very conflicting emotions at the same time. I wanted to hear that so bad but I also didn’t.
Yeah, I definitely couldn’t do this. I wanted to be with Logan but I couldn’t stop the crippling guilt. He couldn’t love me. There were things I couldn’t get past and we’d only end up hurting each other. He looked like he was in pain now so what would he be like if things didn’t work out six months or a year down the line?
Logan was perfect and since I’d walked through his door right up to a minute ago he’d been a perfect gentleman, but it was already getting harder for us both to ignore what we wanted. When we were around each other everything was right but the line between friends and lovers was fading faster than I could have ever imagine and I was panicking. And he loved me.
He looked up and the sunlight hitting his topaz eyes made them shine. I gulped. Something was going to happen between us soon, it was inevitable… unless I put a stop to it.
“Logan, I can’t see you anymore.” I wanted to hit myself.
His perfect face fell, even though he didn’t look surprised. “What?”
“The guilt is…” I rubbed my chest and swallowed. “I can’t do this to Jace.”
“You’re not doing anything to Jace. We’re not doing anything.”
“Come on, Logan. You don’t believe that, we just almost… I don’t know, kissed!”
“So I can’t touch you anymore? Chloe, I’ve done nothing more than smile at you since you called it off, excluding that moment but you were being ridiculous. What do you want from me?”
“I’m sorry.” God, my head was everywhere and nothing made sense. “We’re getting closer again already and we can’t do that but I want you so badly.”
He groaned. “Come on, don’t tell me that.”
We’d never given us a real shot but I was completely caught up in him. He was in every thought. He was everything I wanted. Why couldn’t it just be easy? Why couldn’t I stop stressing or worrying?
“Look, Chlo, I’m sorry. Don’t run. We’ll try harder. You said yourself that we have to be in each other’s lives and you’re right. You know we do.” He took a step back away from me and I wanted to bring him closer again.
How were we supposed to be friends if we could barely keep our hands off each other? Battling the need for that contact was exhausting and it’d only been an hour. But we did need to do it. Not seeing or speaking to him for a few days drove me insane.
I took a few deep breaths before I responded, “Okay. Let’s just cool things down. You’re right, I’m right, that we have to make this work. Run, then lunch at Pizza Hut?”
He nodded, holding his hands behind his back as if he had to physically restrain himself. It didn’t help with the wanting him badly thing at all. “Sure.”
“Good. I’m paying.”
“I don’t think so,” he said, both of us now trying to brush what just happened under the carpet. I could smile and joke but inside my head I was replaying everything and obsessing. I wanted him to push me against that tree again.
“Oh, stop the macho man thing, Logan. I missed your birthday and I want to make it up to you.”
“There’s nothing to make up, it was just another day.”
“Ah, the Miserable Birthday Bastard strikes again.”
He laughed and I felt some of the tension between us melt away. “I almost got through this year without hearing that.”
“It wouldn’t be your birthday if you didn’t have one of us talking crap at you. Plus, you really are grumpy on your birthday.”
We started to run again. “I’m not grumpy, I just don’t get all the fuss.”
He never would. I wasn’t exactly huge on birthdays either but I at least enjoyed mine a little.
***
“This pizza is so good,” I said. My heart still hadn’t calmed down since he’d told me how he felt and I wasn’t sure if it would anytime soon. “How mad would you be if I got the waitress to put a candle in your dessert so I can sing happy birthday.”
His eyebrow arched and he stopped chewing.
“Right, really mad then.”
Swallowing his food, he replied, “Yeah. Don’t do that.”
“Are you back at work on Monday?”
“Tuesday,” he replied. “Had Monday off anyway. Thought I should take a birthday week off work.” He turned his nose up. “No idea why, though.”
I rolled my eyes. You took time off work to enjoy your birthday, or normal people did. “What’s going on this weekend then?” I asked, still grinning at his reaction to my singing question.
He shrugged. “No plans other than running and a gym session with you.”
“Ugh,” I groaned. “Nothing too heavy.”
“You can do it now. I’d never push you beyond what you can take.”
Physically, he wouldn’t.
“I know that. So, really? We’re working out and not having a chilled weekend eating junk food?” I was hoping to tempt him but I didn’t expect to get that far.
“We can do both. If we’re junk fooding it you’ll want a big work out, stop the chocolate going to your thighs.”
My mouth dropped open. He’d already put his hands up, laughing and shaking his head.
“I’m kidding, Chlo, every time! You know I’m kidding.”
“Oh, I am so bloody getting a candle for your dessert and singing on the table, you bastard.” Then I started laughing too. God, I really had missed him.