chapter 10

mad world

Work was hell. Working under the hot, August sun can feel like a fiery fucking prison. With the sweltering heat I feel claustrophobic and work quickly as if I were clawing myself out of a fucking casket. As soon as work is finished, I’m quick to bounce—wanting nothing more than air conditioning and a cold glass of ice water. I blast the A.C. as soon as I get inside my truck and take the scenic route to my parents’ house.

Lining the road are expensive houses that have miles of their own land. As I pass each one, I stare out my window, peering past the giant gates to get a look at the estates. I can’t imagine what it’s like to own such a large piece of property. Even if I could afford a house like that, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with it. Nonetheless, I can appreciate their architecture; I’ve always found houses fascinating. Not just because I’ve never been able to afford one, but because I always thought I’d be an architect when I grew up. Now, I’m all grown-up and I’m not even close to achieving a goal like that. When I was a kid I’d sketch all these houses and tell my parents about the big plans I had for myself as soon as I graduated elementary school. My dad would always laugh and encourage me while my mother would roll her eyes and tell me I should settle on a dream that was more “realistic.” She said that to a ten-year-old boy, crushing his dreams. I couldn’t imagine ever saying shit like that to Grey.

I guess my mother was right in the long run. Once drugs entered my hemisphere I was a lost cause when it came to doing anything productive. Now that my life is getting back on track, maybe I can go back to school. I’ve never been to college because I thought I already knew everything—just as every naïve and jaded person in their late teens does. I want to kick myself for being such a jackass, but I know regret is a useless emotion because it’s not going to change anything. I’d be better off focusing my energy on something positive, like getting my head on straight and checking out some online classes.

To keep myself occupied on the drive to pick up Grey, I plan everything in my head as if I’d be going back to school tomorrow. It feels good to have an idea set in place even if it’ll take me a while to implement it. The idea alone makes me feel more productive and I show up at my parents’ house with a relaxed smile on my face. This is my favorite part of the day because it means I can finally see Grey. Who knew a baby could always manage to ease my mind?

I let myself in and find Grey asleep in my mother’s arms. He looks so serene there, but I can’t wait to take him home with me. “How was your day?” I ask her as I step into the room. She waits until her reality television show goes to a commercial break before answering me, leaving me standing in the doorway for an awkward amount of time.

“Grey was great,” she says with a smile that makes her look years younger. “He’s just as handsome as his dad.”

She means, “he’s just as handsome as his dad was,” but I know she won’t say it. Like my dad told me, she likes things in her life to be “tidy” and the death of her favorite child is not a tidy matter. When she finally looks at me, her eyes are so distant and weary. It makes me want to cross the room and comfort her. I know a hug from me wouldn’t be well received, but I just want her to know I’m here for her—that I lost Dean, too. I don’t know why she’d want to fight this battle on her own. Instead of moving toward her, I stuff my hands in my pockets and think of something smart to say. However, before I get the chance, my dad bustles into the room and breaks up the tension floating in the air.

“Trevor,” he says, giving me a quick pat on the shoulder before joining my mom on the couch. “How was work, son?”

I glance down at my mud-stained shirt and well-worn boots. “It was fine, Dad. Thanks for asking,” I shift awkwardly on my feet before adding, “I’m starving, so I was hoping to just take Grey and get going.”

Dad rolls his eyes at me and smiles. “Why don’t you just join us for dinner?”

I watch as Mother stiffens at his side, causing me to instantly feel uncomfortable. “That’s all right, Dad. I have some food at home.”

“Nonsense,” he jovially states as he puts his arm casually around her. Can he not feel how tense she is? “Your mother and I were just about to go grab dinner. You and Grey are more than welcome to come along.”

I love my dad, but sometimes I wonder how he can be so fucking obtuse. My mother is so obvious about her discomfort and is blatant about her disapproval when things don’t go her way. Does he just ignore this about her because he’s so used to it, or does he not pick up on her behavior?

“Arthur, he already said he has plans to eat at home. He’s probably exhausted and just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings by saying no,” she says, feigning thoughtfulness.

Dad looks at me, wanting me to confirm my mother’s claims. “It’s fine, Dad,” I say, effectively suppressing my annoyance. “Anyway, I’m too beat to go out anywhere. Besides, I’m still pretty rough from work.”

I don’t know why I feel the need to do this type of stuff for her. I guess it’s because I realize how uncomfortable it would be for me if I didn’t. She’d make dinner hell for me if I decided to go. If she doesn’t get her way, she always makes sure someone pays for it. She could always try to think outside herself for once, but I doubt a day will come where that’ll happen. People get stuck in their habits and don’t want to put any effort into changing. I should know. I’ve only recently pulled my head out of my own ass. My mother’s habit was being selfish and my dad’s habit was apparently being blind to it.

“Well, we’ll get together soon then,” he says with his normal loving, but oblivious smile.

On cue, Grey stirs awake in his grandmother’s arms and searches for me. When his eyes finally meet mine, he begins to cry and reaches his chubby, little arms out in my direction. I immediately make my way over to him, but my mother doesn’t want to give him up at first. She seems upset that her grandson seems to prefer me, even though I’m sure that’s not the cause. However, if she’s not the center of everyone’s attention, she tends to feel a bit insecure. It takes her a moment, but his loud wails cause her to relent and hand him to me. As soon as I take him in my arms, his cries cease, and he gives me a toothless grin before grabbing ahold of my thumb and sticking it into his mouth.

“He loves you, Trevor,” Dad comments as he watches us.

“I love him, too,” I reply as I gaze down at the little guy who’s quickly captured my heart.

 

 

With the possibility of Ramen noodles and microwavable macaroni and cheese looming over me, I decide to opt for spending some of my extra cash on a pizza. It’s not the most nutritious thing I could eat but it’ll break my three-day streak of eating Ramen noodles. With Grey to care for, I never really give a shit about what I eat. Why would I spend the extra money on myself when I could be spending it on him? However, after the shit day I had at work, I could use some comfort food. With that in mind, I stop at a local pizza joint on the way back to our apartment.

As the smell of my freshly baked, extra-large cheese pizza fills the extended cab of my truck, all the tension from my day slowly dissipates. I hear Grey babbling along with the kid friendly songs I play for him on the radio in the backseat of the cab, as I consider sharing this pizza with Ronnie. She did cook for me last night, and while this meal isn’t comparable at all, it could still be my small contribution. She probably spent a good chunk of money on that small feast she made and I feel the need to pay her back. “What do you think, Grey? You think Ronnie will want to eat dinner with us?” I see his eyes shoot up at me in the rearview mirror and I smile at the sight. Apparently, Grey has faith in me when it comes to this chick.

Ronnie’s unlike any girl I’d ever met. In the short time I’ve known her I can already tell she’s smart, sexy, and fucking hilarious. She thinks she’s just a simple girl, but she’s much more than that. I can already tell how extraordinary she is. She downplays all of her strengths and isn’t susceptible to compliments… So, I suppose she and I have more in common than I originally thought. Hell, I don’t know what I’m harping about, I’m probably the furthest thing from her type. Sure, I’ve got plans for my future now, but she’s probably looking for a man who already has his life figured out. Last night, she said we were “friends,” and while that bummed me out at the time, I’ll take “friends” over no relationship at all.

“You think Ronnie likes me, little guy?” I ask Grey as if he could give me a valid response.

He babbles something, cocks his head to the side, and begins to laugh. Fuck, even the kid doesn’t think Ronnie and I could ever work out. As I park outside our apartment building, I give myself a mental pep talk. You can do this, Trevor. She’s just a hot chick you’re interested in. She’s offered you her friendship so take what you can get.

I’ve considered talking to my dad about her, but I decided against it because I thought it’d be pretty awkward. What would I say? “Dad, I think I’ve met the right girl for me. She’s perfect, but I’ve only just met her, and I’ve talked to her a handful of times. What do you think I should do? How do you know if a girl’s right for you?” I cringe at the thought of a conversation like that. And what if it didn’t work out? How uncomfortable would that be? My dad would ask about her and I would have to tell him that she found a guy who’s accomplished and clean cut, the type of guy girls usually go for. Yeah, that’s a conversation with my dad that’s never going to happen.

I try to keep my head filled with positive thoughts as I slide out of my ride and pop open Grey’s door to get him out of his car seat. As I’m unbuckling him, I look through the cab window of my truck to find Ronnie standing by, what I assume is, her Jeep, chatting up some tall blonde guy. What the hell? I can’t help but feel somewhat… betrayed. Which is absolutely ridiculous considering she isn’t mine. I pull Grey from his seat and hold him close to my chest. The feeling of his breath on my neck comforts my psyche. I step away from my truck to get a better look at Ronnie and the douchebag she’s talking to. I shouldn’t call him a douchebag. This guy could be her brother for all I know. However, with his blonde hair and a tall build, as opposed to Ronnie’s wild brunette curls and petite frame, they couldn’t look less alike. She laughs at something he says, before their conversation comes to a close and they say their goodbyes. He bends down to give her a hug and I nearly lose it. Get your hands off of her, fucker! If I wasn’t holding my infant nephew, I would’ve marched right over there and broken the couple apart. Christ, I’m turning into a fucking Neanderthal over here.

The blonde jackass walks away and gets into his car, leaving Ronnie all alone by her Jeep. She turns in my direction and I jump behind my truck—ducking down like a coward. Play it cool, Trevor. She doesn’t even know you’re here. I didn’t see a hint of recognition on her face when I ducked, so her looking in my general direction must have been a coincidence. Just when I think I’m in the clear, Grey squeals so loudly I’m sure the entire complex could hear him. I cringe at the sound and wish I could just fucking vanish into thin air. She doesn’t need to know I was spying on her. Hell, if she wasn’t out here talking to some guy, I would’ve just gone about my business.

“Trev?” I hear her sweet voice question as she approaches my truck.

Not wanting to look like a complete jackass hiding behind his truck like a coward, I grab the pizza with my free hand trying to look as if I were fishing for it in the backseat. When she’s in my line of sight, I take a step back from the truck, kick the door shut, and give her one of my best crooked grins, praying it doesn’t come across like an awkward grimace.

“How’s it going, Trev? I didn’t even see you over here.” She sounds casual and completely unaffected by what I could’ve possibly witnessed. Maybe that was her brother, after all. If it was a date, wouldn’t she feel uncomfortable right about now?

“It’s all good now that I’m off work.” I pause for a moment, shifting uncomfortably on my feet. “You want to come up to my place and have dinner with us? We were just going to veg out on the couch, watch some movies, and eat pizza.”

“That sounds good. I was just planning on ordering take-out and watching reality TV,” she says as she follows me toward the steps of our building. Grey is animated in my arms, babbling to her the entire way. As soon as we reach the steps, Ronnie stops and says, “I can take Grey if you want. I don’t want you to drop the pizza.” She’s teasing me. I like it when she teases me.

I hand her Grey, who is more than happy to be passed off. I suppose he prefers being in the arms of a beautiful woman as opposed to being carried by his smelly uncle, who’s covered in dirt. He immediately begins running his hands through her long hair and smiles brightly at her as if he knew he was the cutest thing in the fucking world. I roll my eyes and snort as I realize I’m jealous of my nephew. He’s touching Ronnie and I’m holding a fucking pizza.

“He’s a giant flirt,” I tell her as we make it to the final flight of stairs. “I can’t imagine what he’s going to be like when he’s a teenager.” If he’s going to turn out anything like me, I’m going to have to give him the “sex talk” pretty early. With the way he’s looking at Ronnie, at least I know the kids going to grow up to have amazing taste. She’s innocence and sin all mixed into one delicious package.

“I’m sure you’ll have plenty of girlfriends, Greyson,” Ronnie says with a giggle as she watches my little guy play with her hair.

Unable to help myself, I peek down her sweater as she gambols up the last few steps. Well, I’m going to need to excuse myself the second we get inside. Maybe she’ll watch the baby while I take a quick shower. I unlock the door to my apartment and kick it open, ushering Ronnie inside. She’s rocking Grey and barely takes any time to look at her surroundings. Which is good, considering my apartment is nothing compared to hers.

“Do you mind watching him while I take a quick shower?” I ask as I walk her to the living room. Her eyes run over my dirt covered clothes that are sticking to my body as if she was noticing them for the first time. Her mouth twitches and she quickly looks away, returning her attention to Grey. I hope she didn’t look too hard at certain areas because that has the potential of being very uncomfortable for me. Sorry, I know I’m your friend, but I can’t help the way you make me feel.

“That’s fine. I’m more than happy to watch him,” she replies as she bounces him in her lap. He throws his head back with a deep belly laugh and I know it’s okay to leave them alone for a bit.

“Well, feel free to turn on the TV and make yourself at home,” I say before I make a bee-line for the bathroom.

There’s two things I need to take care of: first, I need to wash the dirt and sweat off my body so I don’t reek around this beautiful girl; second, I need to get rid of the raging beast between my legs which she’s inspired. I quickly take off my clothes and turn the water temperature to as hot of a setting as I can stand. The water beats down, relaxing my sore muscles as I wash, before taking care of problem number two. As I reach my release, with a fantasy of Ronnie conjured up in my mind, my entire body relaxes in a way it hasn’t in a long time. When I’m finished showing I turn off the water, towel dry, and run to my bedroom with said towel wrapped around my waist. I quickly change into something casual, before returning to the living room to find Ronnie and Grey on the couch where I left them. I should feel guilty about what I just did, but I’m way too mellow to care.

“You’re so good with him,” I comment as I sink onto the couch beside the pair.

“Thanks. He’s so easy-going,” she says with a smile as she reaches down to tickle his belly. “If you ever need a babysitter, you know I work from home.”

“Well, I might have to take you up on that.” It’ll mean more chances to see you. “You want anything to drink before we dig in? I’ve got soda, water, and orange juice.”

“Soda,” she says with a smile as she opens the pizza box.

One thing I’m thankful for when it comes to Ronnie is she apparently doesn’t drink. She didn’t mention alcohol once last night, and that was the type of meal people usually serve with wine. Or, so I assume. I’ve never actually had a meal like that and the only wine I’ve ever had was from a box. I’m so lucky she hasn’t pressed the subject because I really don’t want to delve into my past and tell her all about my ex-vices. I know the topic will come up sooner or later—hell, if it doesn’t come up, I’ll straight-up tell her—but for right now I want to enjoy the innocence of not knowing everything about each other. We’ve just met, just become friends, and I want us to slowly get to know each other. Learn to trust each other. I want us to have a good foundation and that sort of thing takes time and a hell of a lot of work.

I jog into the kitchen and over to the fridge to grab a couple of cream sodas and a bottle of formula for Grey. I know he’s going to pout about it, but he’s still too young to be eating pizza—or most tasty foods for that matter. His favorite food right now is pretty much bananas, so he’s going to freak when he realizes what else the world has to offer. Before heading back into the living room, I grab a couple of paper plates and some napkins from the cabinet. When I return I find Ronnie already digging into the pizza straight from the box. That’s my girl.

“Is it good?” I ask as I hand her a bottle of cream soda.

She blushes and takes a napkin to wipe the pizza sauce off of her bottom lip. If we were closer and not practically strangers, I would’ve been more than happy to lick it off for her. Well, a man can dream, I suppose. “It’s amazing. Thanks for this, Trev. I was starving.”

“Same,” I agree as I take a seat next to her, “I haven’t eaten all day.”

I reach for Grey, wanting to feed him his bottle, but Ronnie stops me. “I can feed him if you want. I used to do this for Harper all the time.”

Once again, Grey’s more than happy with the arrangement as she holds him close to her tits and feeds him his formula. And once again, I’m jealous of my baby nephew. I grab a few pieces of pizza from the box and begin to scarf them down as I pick up the remote and skim through the On-Demand channels. I stop when I come across a few 1980s horror movies, considering all the good possibilities a movie like this could bring. Such as Ronnie clinging to me because she’s scared. I imagine her saying, “Trev, I can’t sleep alone tonight. Not after you made me watch that movie.” God, I’m horrible. I’ve only just met the girl! I know a horror movie is out of the realm of possibilities because it would also give Grey nightmares and then he’d end up being the one who couldn’t sleep. He already has questionable sleeping habits, so why make them worse?

“You okay with watching a Disney movie?” I ask as I stop scrolling once I come across the title The Lion King.

“Of course! I love this movie,” she says, and I can tell she’s serious.

I never find women adorable, but the look on her face as the opening song comes on is one that I find absolutely fucking adorable. As we all sit on the couch I can’t help but notice how normal this feels. It’s like we’ve all known each other our entire lives. In a strange way, it feels as if we were always meant to be here together. My heart twists in my chest and every muscle in my body tenses at the thought. God, I wish Dean were here. Tears fill my eyes before I even realize they were coming. Fuck! I hate the way this feels! Dean would’ve loved this. It’s simple things like this that make me think of him but thinking of him is still so incredibly painful. Most days, I get through the day without dwelling on his death too much; I know he’d want me to move on and focus on taking care of his son, providing him with the life he deserves. However, it’s times like these that really cause his death hit me like a fucking freight train.

Dean loved watching movies and vegging out on the couch with me after a long day of school or football practice. When we were supposed to be doing homework or getting to bed because we had school the next morning, we’d be watching movies on the floor of one of our bedrooms. Dean would lie on the carpet, juggling his football back and forth between his hands as we’d watch whatever movie our friends talked about at school that day. While I never knew Dean as a father, I know he must’ve done this type of thing with Grey all the time. I can imagine him holding his son on his lap as they watched Sunday cartoons together, with no idea of what the future had in store for them. A tear slips down my face before I can hold it back, and I quickly wipe it away with the sleeve of my shirt.

“Trev? You okay?”

“Yeah,” I mutter, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden. “I’m fine. Just some dust in my eye.”

She snorts at this. “It’s okay, Trevor. Mufusa’s death makes a lot of people cry.”

And then I’m laughing. This girl manages to completely change my mood with a minimal amount of effort. I can’t begin to describe how this makes me feel. In this moment, I know what I have to do. I don’t care if that douchebag was her boyfriend. Whatever he is, he sure as hell isn’t her husband and without a ring on her finger, I consider her fair game. I deserve something good in my life and I want her. I’ll fight to win her heart. Her heart, Trevor? You don’t even understand how deep your feelings run. I won’t push her. I’ll just wait by her side until she’s ready for me and then I’ll show her everything I can offer her.