Chapter 11

outside

The end of August brings total chaos. Work is a clusterfuck, trying to get our project done before Colorado is covered in a thick blanket of snow come fall. I come home every night exhausted beyond belief, my muscles aching in ways they never have before. With a baby at home depending on me—I don’t get any relief. There’s never time for me to relax and watch a movie or take a long bath to relax my knotted muscles. I’m going, going, going and there’s no end in fucking sight.

Ronnie’s been a fucking blessing. Truly, that girl is an angel. She gives so much of herself and asks for nothing more than friendship in return. I feel like there’s nothing I could do that would ever be enough to repay her for her kindness. Luckily, she doesn’t expect anything from me. It’s obvious she likes to give; apparently, it’s just something that’s a part of her kind and gentle her nature. Not only is she a sexy spitfire, but she’s also an amazing person who sees the best in other people. She sees the best in me, which is something I can’t understand. We’ve only been friends for a few weeks, but I already know I need her in my life. Her soft voice eases my tension, her beautiful face turns me on—beyond belief, and her nurturing personality is perfect for the little boy I’m raising.

When life makes me to feel like shit, Grey and Ronnie are always there to pick me right back up. Sometimes I want to kick myself for the situation I’m currently in, but then I remember my life is what is it is because of the choices I’ve made. If I didn’t make shit choices in my past, maybe Grey and Ronnie wouldn’t be in my life now. I may not have been where I needed to be before, but now, I feel like I’m right where I belong. Which is strange, considering this was not the life I ever imagined for myself.

Taking a deep breath of the crisp, end of August air, I smile as I walk to my truck after a long, hard day on the job. I’ve always felt that when fall comes, my life can start fresh; the shift of seasons always brings some sort of rebirth—though, it hasn’t always been a good one. I wonder what sort of genesis this year will bring. Maybe I’ll find the courage to step up and tell Ronnie what I want. What do I want? Do I want a relationship with her so soon? I’ve only known her a few weeks. Can you fall for someone so quickly? I feel like a pussy for even asking myself that.

As I drive over to my parents’ house, part of me hopes I’ll find my dad alone because I really want his opinion on all of this shit. It’s Thursday, which means my mother usually does Pilates and has lunch with her friends. The “lunch” usually consists of a few cocktails and can last for some time. She gave those lunches up for a whole week after Dean died so she could mourn, before jumping right back to socializing and gossiping with her friends. I wish I could bounce back from something so traumatizing so quickly. I know I shouldn’t be so fucking snide; maybe this avoidance is her way of dealing with things? However, another part of me argues this is just her personality.

I park in front of the house, noticing my mother’s Lexus is nowhere to be seen. I quickly clean myself up to the best of my ability before jumping out of my truck and going inside. I find my dad on the couch reading a book to Grey, actively engaging him as he does a different voice for each character in the story. I remember him doing this for me when I was growing up. I used to love story-time with him and it’s nice to see Grey getting to enjoy it, as well.

As soon as Dad finishes the book, he looks up at me and smiles, asking, “How was your day, Trevor? You look beat.”

I take a seat on the couch across from him and kick my boots off, getting comfortable. “It was fine. I’m just happy to done for the day.”

I’m quiet for a while, just wanting to relax as I watch my dad interact with his grandson. My mind is running wild as I consider how I should bring up the Ronnie conversation, or if I should keep my mouth shut and not bother. If I bring her up now and things don’t work out between us, it’ll be embarrassing for me. As if it wasn’t already embarrassing enough. I’ve never talked to him about a girl before. I’ve never cared about one enough to even consider it.

“Trevor, is something on your mind?” Dad asks, breaking my train of thought.

“It’s nothing,” I say, waving him off.

“Come on, son. You know you can talk to me about anything.”

I roll my eyes and smirk at him. He’s using his “dad voice” on me and I haven’t heard it since I was a kid. “It’s just…” I trail off, feeling almost too embarrassed to continue. “How do you know if a girl is the ‘right’ girl for you? Is there a way to tell or something?”

He gives me a dubious look and then smirks. “Well, usually when you bring her up to your old man she must be something special.”

I fucking blush and look away, wishing I hadn’t said anything. He’s going to hound me about her now. I kind of like it. I’ve never had a girl to talk about.

“What’s she like, Trevor? I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”

I smile as I think of Ronnie. “She’s amazing, Dad. She’s so much smarter than me and really giving, and just so damn beautiful, too. She’s just my friend, so it’s not like I’m dating her or anything like that. I just really like her. At least, I think I do.”

“Well, you must like her a lot if you’re willing to talk to me about her,” he says with a wink before giving Grey one last hug before handing him over. “Where did you two meet?”

“Well, I saw her around town a few times before I actually talked to her,” I explain with a grin I can’t control. “Turns out, she’s my neighbor. She lives in the apartment across the hall from mine.”

“That’s wonderful, Trevor. I’m glad you have a good friend in town. And who knows? You’re not dating right now, but it doesn’t always have to be that way. Son, have you considered asking her out?”

I snort, wondering what I could possibly have to offer a girl like her. “She’s kind of out of my league, Dad.”

“I doubt that. Stop being so hard on yourself.”

“No, she really is. I mean, I just don’t think a girl like her goes for guys like me.”

“And what type of guy are you?”

“I don’t know.” I shrug, not wanting to tell my dad about all my issues. “I’ve seen the type of guy she’s into, and it’s not me. I’m not preppy or successful, and that’s the type of guy I’ve seen her talk to.”

“Well, apparently she talks to you,” he comments incredulously. “Is this guy you’ve seen her with her boyfriend?”

“No, I didn’t want to ask her about him. I don’t think she has a boyfriend, though. I mean, I’m sure she would’ve brought him up by now if she did.”

“Well, then maybe he was just a friend of hers. If you weren’t the type of guy she would want to be associated with, she wouldn’t talk to you. Have you ever considered that?”

“Well, no,” I chuckle, starting to feel more confident about this whole situation. My dad always has a way about him that puts me at ease. “Maybe I’ll talk to her about it. I just want to get to know her first.”

“Well, if she’s as good as you say she is, you might want to snatch her up while you’ve still got a chance,” Dad jovially states.

When he’s right, he’s right. If that douchebag I saw a few weeks ago was really some guy who’s into her, then I need to let her know my feelings while I’ve still got a chance. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I’m going to be kicking my ass around the block if I miss an opportunity to be with her. Not that I wouldn’t wait for her because I would. I’d wait while she dated a hundred douchebags because I think once she sees me romantically, she’ll realize how good we could be together.

“I’ll think about it,” I say noncommittedly. I don’t want to give him a reason to ask how things went just in case Ronnie turns me down.

“It’ll be fine, son,” he assures me, just as I hear the front door open.

I cringe, as I hear my mother call out for my dad, and I instantly want to get going. I slide my boots back on as I hide my grimace. She hates it when I’m invading her space. I don’t like it any more than she does. Why would I want to be around someone who’s clearly uncomfortable with my presence? I give Dad a sheepish smile before slipping my boots back on and standing up with Grey comfortably in my arms.

“I’ve got to get going.”

“Okay, son. Just don’t forget to take off work September thirteenth; it’s a Friday. It’s your mom’s birthday and she’ll want you to be there.”

“She’s having a big party this year?” I ask, shock evident in my tone. Since she’s been mourning, she said she didn’t want to host any big parties. Initially, I’d been shocked by hearing that because I know she loves the attention big gatherings provide her. I couldn’t imagine her not wanting a chance to tell her story to all of her acquaintances. I know I sound fucking bitter, but sometimes she uses horrible circumstances as a means of getting attention. Hell, sometimes she even makes shit up to earn sympathy from her circle of friends. I know she’s spoken endlessly about me. Telling her friends just how fucked up I am so they can feel sorry for her.

“It’s the same party she has every year.”

“I’ll be there then,” I say, although, I wish I had an excuse to skip the party and take her out for lunch instead.

Just as I turn to leave, Mother walks into the room wearing her working gear and a healthy glow. She looks like her normal self again. “Trevor,” she says, seemingly surprised to see me here despite the fact I come at this time every day to pick up Grey. “Were you just on your way out?” she asks, seemingly worried by the idea of me sticking around.

Don’t worry yourself, mother. I’ll go back to the hole I crawled out of. “Yeah, I was going to grab something to eat and go home.”

“Okay. Bye, Trevor. Bye, Greyson, my sweet baby boy” she says, looking happy once more.

I roll my eyes as I walk away. She always seems as if she can never get rid of me quickly enough. “I’ll see you guys this weekend,” I call over my shoulder as I leave. I don’t turn around to see her face, as much as I want to.

 

 

I’ve been considering what my dad said since I got home. He’s right about Ronnie. If I want her—I have to go get her. I don’t know if I love her or anything like that; I’m not one to fall in love with anyone I just met. Hell, what do I know of love? I’ve never been in love. I wouldn’t know how a romantic type of love felt if it bit me in the ass. I may not love her, but I really like her—a lot. And that’s more than I can say for any of the other girls I’ve met.

“What do you think I should do, buddy?” I ask as we watch reruns of Scooby-Doo from a comfortable spot on the living room floor.

Grey seems to consider my words for a moment, before saying a few “ohhs,” “daas,” and “gaas,” before he begins to giggle loudly. I chuckle at his response. It’s hard to feel stressed with a happy baby in your arms. Hell, the world could burn down around me and I’d be okay as long as I had Grey in my arms.

“Maybe tonight I should start flirting with her a bit,” I muse, contemplating the best way to start showing my interest in her.

I feel like an asshole for considering a relationship with a girl like her, but I can’t help what I want. And I really want her, despite the fact that I’m shit compared to her. I would just be bringing baggage into her life. I feel like a pre-existing condition… like I was born defective. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t a major disappointment to someone. Well, I muse, I haven’t been a major disappointment to Grey. However, that could be because he’s too young to know better. And my dad has been proud of me, but I think he’s always had poor judgment when it came to believing in me. Should I really plague Ronnie with all of my problems? Would that really be fair to her? I’m lucky she even wants to be friends with me.

Grey begins to grow fussy in my arms and starts to cry when I don’t let him roll out of my lap. I hold him close for a moment, giving him a chance to calm down, before I place him belly down on the floor. He crawls his way over to the couch and grabs hold of the blanket, pulling himself up into a sitting position. He’s getting so strong—I can barely believe it! His demeanor suddenly fills with determination, he begins to pull his butt off the ground until he's nearly standing. My eyes widen in shock, and I whip my phone out of my back pocket to snap a quick picture of him.

“Good job, buddy!” I encourage him, feeling like a proud father all of a sudden. “You’re doing it! You’re almost standing!”

He gives me a big, gummy grin before he falls back to the ground on his butt with a soft plop. When he looks like he’s about to cry, I pull him onto my lap and kiss his forehead. God, I’m so proud of him. Pretty soon he’ll be walking and talking and I’ll have a toddler on my hands. Dean would be so proud of his son! I wish he were here to see this.

“I’m so proud of you, Grey.”

He gives me an adorable smile and I know he can understand me. Although he can’t comprehend my words, he can still feel what they mean. Every day the bond between us grows and I know it’s always going to be a strong one. I hope one day he can be proud of me. I know I’m not Dean—but I hope Grey will be happy that I raised him. I know we’ll have our arguments and there’ll be times when he hates me, but at the end of the day, I want him to like the fact that I’m his guardian. Even if I am a poor substitute for my brother.

I feel Grey’s stomach grumble against mine and he sighs loudly, as if silently saying, “Trevor, when are you going to feed me?” I jump up with him safely in my arms and head to the kitchen, setting him down in his highchair before I search through the cabinets for his favorite flavor of baby food. This shit is disgusting, and Grey seems to think so, too—for the most part. There’s only a few flavors he eats—banana being one of them. As soon as I get paid, I’ll head to the store to buy him the real thing. Until then, he’ll just have to settle on this lackluster substitute. He must be hungry because he gulps down each bite without complaint and gives me a sated smile as soon as he’s finished.

I pull out my phone and send Ronnie a text, asking her if she’s interested in Chinese takeout for tonight. While we haven’t officially dated, we’ve had dinner together every night for the past week. Our excuse is the fact that we live across from one another and it’s easier to cook for two people than one. It’s also nice to have someone to share a meal with. Especially if she’s a woman I’m insanely attracted to. She’s quick to reply with an “of course,” which naturally puts a smile on my face. And having dinner with her is also a great way to tell if she’s dating anyone. If she had a boyfriend or a guy she was seriously dating, she wouldn’t be able to have dinner with me every night.

“Do you think Ronnie’s into me, Grey?” I ask, as if he were a Magic 8 Ball.

He laughs at me. “Is that funny to you, buddy?” I tease as I lift him out of his highchair and into my arms. I suppose it is funny. I’m a grown man, and yet, this girl is making me incredibly nervous. Hell, she’s not just any girl. She’s my best friend.