chapter 43

heaven beside you

I’m not used to things running so fucking smoothly. The past month has been strangely perfect. So much so, it makes me fucking paranoid. Whenever something in my life goes right, I just sit around and wait for something else to go exceptionally wrong. Meeting Ronnie’s dad went better than I could’ve hoped. He accepted me right off the bat and explained that he trusted the decisions his daughter made concerning me. I was fucking thrilled. I was so worried he wouldn’t like me. He’s actually a lot cooler than my original impression. I was shocked to see he had a tattoo of his own. It was a beautiful, black and gray tribute to his late wife on his back. It’s smaller than my tribute to my brother, but it’s just as beautiful. It’s a large hyper realistic rose with his wife’s name, Rebecca, in cursive lettering.

                         We didn’t become fucking chummy or anything like that, but there’s a mutual respect there—or at least, I hope there is. It turned out, Bryant and I have a good deal of things in common. Not something one would expect between a fire chief and a former druggie, but somehow, we do. Hopefully, one day we’ll be able to become close. I could tell that Ronnie was upset when her dad left to return to his work. I promised her we could fly out to Virginia to visit him, no matter how tough the trip would be with a toddler.

Grey’s first Christmas was fucking amazing. I’ve never seen my little guy so vibrant and content. I pulled out all of the stops, along with my parent’s help, to give him the best holiday season I possibly could. He deserves it… He deserves everything. We got our little guy’s pictures taken with Santa, went to a Christmas lights festival—where Grey, unfortunately, cried the whole time. Apparently, the bright, glittering lights frightened the hell out of him.

On Christmas day, under the nicest tree we could find in late December, Grey opened his plethora of gifts. Ronnie couldn’t stop snapping his picture as he opened bag after bag of different stuffed animals and toys. One of my favorite parts of the day was watching my girl open her present. I got her a beautiful, yet simple, locket with Grey’s baby picture. From that day on, she hasn’t taken it off. She got me an X-box, after watching countless hours of me playing Star Wars Battlefront with Quinton. My girl is fucking amazing.

For New Year’s Eve, we watched the ball drop on television with Grey. It was amazing. Just me and my little family. Grey passed out early. Leaving me to bring in the new year thrusting into Ronnie’s magnificent body, giving me a taste of what the rest of my life had in store for me.

                         Now that December has flown by in a fucking flash and the holidays are over, I can finally fucking relax. Even though it went well, I’m thrilled that it’s done. I didn’t realize how on edge I’d been until things returned to normal. I’d been alone for so long I’d forgotten how hectic the holidays were. When it was just me traveling through Cali with my friends, we barely knew what day it was. I only had my days straight when I was working. Although, it was so easy for me to bounce from a job due to all my vices. Eventually, I ended up pawning my shit and day laboring to get some cash. The holidays weren’t exactly something I gave a shit about. Of course, I really didn’t give a shit about anything back then.

                         It’s been a few days since the chaos, and we’ve all gone back to our normal lives. Although, I know Ronnie is going to be glued to Eden’s side now that her sister is expecting. I suppose her being with her sister so much will give me a chance to work on some of the other important relationships in my life. I can hang out with Travis, Jaxson, and the other guys I like from work. As much as I love Grey—which is pretty much more than fucking anything—it’ll be nice to have more adults around to hang out with. Luckily, the guys don’t mind having my son around. They understand I can’t afford a babysitter when all my other options are busy. Travis is the only one who acts weird around Greyson. It must be because he’s starting to look more and more like Dean every day. Grey must be a constant reminder of the best friend Travis lost. I know it’s fucking hard because it was hard for me at first. Hell, I was a wreck on New Year’s Day, riddled with fucking grief. This will mark the first year for me without Dean fucking in it. However, I brightened up because I had to. It’s what my brother would have wanted, after all.

                         Today, Ronnie will be shopping with Eden and Grey. Therefore, I’ll have the opportunity to hang out with Travis. I personally thought it was kind of early to go shopping for baby stuff—Eden is barely three months pregnant—but Ronnie told me no time is “too early” for her sister. She will use any reason when it comes to hitting up the mall. Maybe I just don’t get the whole “shopping” thing. Nonetheless, I’m happy to have a chance to hang out with Travis for the first time in weeks. I rarely hang out with my friends because whenever I have any free time, I want to spend it with my fiancée. There’s just nothing like coming home to my beautiful girl after a long, hard day of work. It usually takes her making other plans without me to get me to drag my sorry ass out to do something on my own. I don’t know, I guess I’ve always been a loner and I never really grew out of that mindset.

                         “I’ll see you tonight, babe,” Ronnie says as she grabs her keys and gives me a quick kiss on the lips.

                         “Tonight? Will you be back for dinner?” She’s going to be gone for a few hours and I’m going to really fucking miss her, as pathetic as that sounds.

                         “I’m not sure,” she answers with an apologetic smile. “Eden usually spends forever at the mall. Then she usually insists we go out for dinner afterward to discuss all of our purchases.”

                         The way Ronnie says this makes me laugh. She couldn’t sound less enthusiastic if she tried. I know she hates crowds just as much as she hates being dragged around to try on clothes. I don’t blame her. I don’t try anything on when I shop for clothes. It just seems like a giant waste of time. I usually just cross my fingers and hope it fits. I do the same thing when I buy Grey’s clothes. Luckily, he has a lot of growing to do. Otherwise, there’d be a shit ton of clothes he’d never be able to wear. It always looks promising at the time of purchase, but I tend to forget about how small he still is.

                         “Well, have fun, baby. You know I’ll be texting you.”

                         I can’t help it. Even when I’m having a good time with the guys, I still want to text her. She always sends me the funniest shit as well as these really loving messages. It makes me want to check my phone every second when I’m away. I know on a day like today, she’ll be texting me whenever she can. It’ll be for the sake of her own sanity. As much as I like Eden, I’ve seen her at the mall and she’s as jumpy as a crackhead. I’m saying that in the nicest of fucking ways, of course.

                         “I love your texts,” Ronnie replies with a sly smile. “Have fun with Travis today. Hopefully, you guys can get out of this apartment.”

                         “Yeah, I was thinking we could go to the park or something. I want to give Grey some time outside before the cold becomes too unbearable. Today’s actually fucking nice.”

                         Her phone begins to ring, making her roll her eyes and throw me a knowing smile. “Eden is impatient. I’ve got to go, babe. I’ll see you tonight.” She gives me a long kiss goodbye before crouching down to where Grey is playing on the floor to give his cheek a quick peck. “You be good for your daddy.”

                         Grey laughs at his mom before he goes back to playing with his toys. I embrace Ronnie one last time; we kiss until I’m sated and ready to let her go. I’m always sad to see her leave, even if it’s only for a short time. I used to hate those couples that seemed attached at the hip, but now I understand them. Our relationship is still so new, so perhaps that’s the reason for this insanity. Although, somehow, I know we’ll be like this after twenty years of marriage. I can’t imagine a day where I won’t burn with fucking desire for her like I do in this moment.

                         After my girl walks out the door, I look down at my son and ask, “Are you ready to see Uncle Travis, buddy?”

                         Grey giggles and flips over onto his back, reaching out to me before deciding to try stuffing his foot into his mouth. I’ll take that as a “yes.” I lean down to pick him up, intending to get him ready to go. However, he’s so fucking playful and happy today; I end up spending half an hour on the floor with him and his toys. Every time we play together he spends the majority of the time trying to climb all over me. That inspired me to play the “airplane” game. I remember my dad used to play it with me when I was really little. Grey fucking loves that shit. He screams and laughs until he’s a hiccupping mess. If it were up to him, we’d never stop playing. It’s times like these when I really don’t want to leave my house. I just want to stay inside and cherish the time I have with my son while he’s still this small. He’ll be a year old soon—I can’t believe how fast time is flying by. I don’t know what I’ll do when he’s walking, talking, and challenging me. All I do know is, I want to enjoy this time while I still have it. I know all too well how valuable a single moment can be. It can feel so irrelevant until it becomes a memory.

                         When Grey’s good and worn out from playing, I know it’s time to get going. As much as I want to stay and chill here, I made a promise to Travis. I know I can’t flake out on him. I quickly change Grey into an appropriate outfit for the early January weather before heading out. Travis and I decided on meeting up at a nearby park before getting lunch in the area. He didn’t seem to mind when I explained the baby would be coming with me. I hope today will be the beginning of him seeing my son in a new light. I know Dean’s death has been as hard on him as it’s been on me. Since Dean’s death, he hasn’t really had the chance to spend time with Grey. I just hope that shit changes because I truly believe it will be beneficial for Grey to have his dad’s best friend in his life. Maybe one day Travis and I can tell him stories about his daddy. I know it’ll hurt, but I want him to know as much as possible about his biological parents. I want him to know how much they loved him.

                         Thankfully, traffic has gone back to normal since the holidays are over. I’m impatient enough as it is, so I hate to have to add bumper to bumper traffic into the fucking mix. I play kids’ songs on the radio for Grey’s sake. I hate the music, but it’s pretty entertaining to hear my son babble along with the melodies in attempt at singing. Travis’s car is one of the only ones in the parking lot when we arrive. I notice him sitting at a picnic table near the playground, staring at his phone. There aren’t many kids, but the ones that are here are extremely loud and jarring to Grey. I jump out of the car and get my little guy out before walking over to greet Travis. He looks bored as hell as he’s still staring at the screen of his phone.

                         “Hey, man!” I holler over to him.

                         His entire demeanor changes as soon as he sees me. A smile appears on his scruffy face and he waves me over. I pull him into a quick hug, patting him a few times on the back before letting go. “Thanks for meeting me, man. I thought we could walk around a bit then grab some lunch. I want to enjoy Colorado before the weather has me trapped inside of my house.”

                         “No, man, I totally get it. It’s nice to be out of the office for a little bit. It can get so unbearable,” he says with a curt laugh.

                         We head down one of the park trails, enjoying the sun as it filters through the bare branches of the many trees. Grey incoherently is babbling away. He’s so fucking entertaining to listen to because he sounds like a little drunk person. Come to think of it, all babies kind of act like little drunk people. They shit themselves, throw up everywhere, and babble nonsense no one understands. I grin at the thought. Grey is, without a doubt, the cutest baby on the fucking planet.

                         “I’ve never seen him talk so much.” Travis chuckles.

                         He’s probably right. Last time he was really around Grey, he wasn’t even five-months-old. Now that he’s almost one, he’s “talking” constantly. Of course, hardly any of what he says makes sense… but it’s all cool, nonetheless.

                         “Yeah, I think he loves to talk just to hear himself. Sometimes, I try to figure out what he’s saying, but really, I have no fucking clue.”

                         We both laugh as Grey continues to babble.

                         “His newest word is ‘no.’ So that’s definitely a trip.”

                         Travis throws back his head and laughs. Looking more relaxed than I’ve seen him in a long time. “That’s awesome, man. I’m sure he’ll learn ‘yes’ soon enough.”

                         “Dada!” Grey interrupts, grabbing my face between his chubby, little hands.

                         I notice Travis’s body tenses at my baby’s words. I frown, but I understand why he’s fucking uncomfortable. This is another reminder Dean isn’t with us. I truly hope that Grey calling me “dada” doesn’t make him feel too awkward. His real dad isn’t here and I know I probably seem like a poor fucking substitute; but I’m what he’s got. I push my self-esteem issues aside because I know that’s not what Travis is fucking thinking. Hell, he’d never think something like that. I know he’s just sad that Dean’s gone. It’s been almost eight months since his passing, so the wounds are still fucking fresh for both of us.

                         After a moment, Travis’s smile returns and his body relaxes. He doesn’t say anything and I know better than to comment. I don’t want to bring up anything heavy today. Instead, I want to focus on positive energy and moving forward. Dean would’ve wanted that. I know my brother and he couldn’t stand when anyone around him was unhappy. When we were kids, he’d always be there for me when I’d cry—even if it was just some trivial shit which caused my tears. He’d swoop in and save the fucking day, like a superhero. That’s just the type of guy he was. If he could see us now, he’d want us both to be happy and living life to the fullest.

                         “How’s Ronnie doing?” Travis asks, his awkwardness gone completely.

                         “She’s great, man! We’re getting ready to move in together. Well, we practically live together now, but we’ve found a house we’re interested in buying.”

                         A big smile lights up Travis’s face as he gives me a jovial pound on the back. “That’s incredible, man! You’re going to be a homeowner!”

                         I grin. Dean would flip! Travis doesn’t say this, but I know he wants to. My big brother would’ve been so fucking proud of me if he were still alive. I can’t imagine the look he’d have on his face if he were here right now. I imagine it’d be a lot like Travis’s actually. While they look completely different, they’re practically fucking twins when it comes to their expressions and mannerisms. It was so fucking uncanny at times. That’s why it fucking hurt to hang out with him when Dean had recently died. Travis was like a fucking mirror image of him and it was hard to be around that. However, now that I’ve reached some level of acceptance, things are getting easier. I’ll always carry my brother in my heart, but with each day I grow stronger, and his death becomes a little less painful.

                         “Thanks. I’m so excited. I never thought I’d want this kind of life, but now that it’s happening, I’m really happy.”

                         “Well, I’m really thrilled for you and Ronnie. Let me know if you need any help moving in.”

                         An idea springs into my head as he’s talking; I blurt it out before I can catch myself. I don’t need to think about it because I can feel this is the right decision. “I know this is really random and out of nowhere. Ronnie and I are hoping to get married sometime in the near future… and I need a best man. Since Dean isn’t here, I really want it to be you. I know it’s a lot to throw at you, but it would really mean a lot to me.”

                         Travis hesitates for a moment, and an emotion appears in his eyes that I can’t fucking describe. It’s fleeting and before I can analyze it, he smiles and looks away. “I’d love to,” he answers quietly while looking down at the ground.

                         All my previous thoughts quickly fade away as happiness overwhelms me. Everything in my life seems to be falling into place and I can’t believe it. With Travis standing with me, that aspect of the wedding won’t be so fucking bleak. As happy as I’ve been, I can’t help but dwell on the fact Dean won’t be there to watch me finally tie the knot. He’d think I was fucking shitting him if he heard I was engaged. Knowing him, he’d want to be a part of my wedding in a huge way. He’d plan an amazing bachelor party, and no doubt give an amazing speech, all the while teasing me relentlessly about my wild and directionless days. Embarrassing me to the fullest in front of all of our guests. I know I’ll have him there in spirit, though. Even with all the shit that’s happened to me, Travis has always been a lot like my brother. Therefore, I’m fucking honored and thrilled to have him as my best man.

                         “The wedding isn’t planned yet. I’m not entirely sure when Ronnie wants to do it, but I’ll keep you informed about the details.”

                         “Just tell me when and where to show up, and I’ll be there.”

                         We leave the park and make our way to lunch. I slightly reflect on how fucking amazing it is to have my friend back. I’d forgotten how awesome Travis really is. I can’t believe I shut him out in the first place. Now that we’ve reconciled, it’s like I never left for my road trip across the states. It’s kind of like we’re back in high school with Dean, just dicking around. Memories of him still come flooding back when I look at Travis. However, it’s no longer painful. I can now look back on those days with a smile, appreciating the time I had with Dean. We had so many amazing adventures together growing up. I can’t help but smile, knowing he lived an amazingly full life in the time he had on Earth. Sure, it was cut too fucking short by the most horrific of ways, but he lived more in his twenty-seven years than some do in their entire fucking lives.