Chapter 6

Comfortably Numb

The next month flies by in a flash. Between work and Grey, time seems to completely escape me. I spend my mornings working under the hot summer sun, I spend my days with my nephew, and spend my nights in bed alone, rubbing one out as faceless naked women invade my imagination. There’s one woman who graces some of these fantasies. I don’t know her name, but I can see her face and body clearly in my mind. I’ve memorized her curves—her plump tits and nice ass. I’ve memorized her heart-shaped face and eyes which beg me to take her. In my fantasies, she’s mine—while in real life, I’ve never spoken to her. Maybe one day I won’t be such a fucking coward.

She probably thinks I’m a complete creep because every time I’ve run into her around town, all I do is stare at her. I just know I’m not her fucking type, so I don’t see the point of starting up a conversation with her. What would I say anyway? “Hey, I’m Trevor I think about you when I jerk myself off.” Fuck, I need to get laid. Now that I have Grey, I can’t exactly use a dating app to hook up with some random chick or go to the bar to try to pick up a girl. Being a guardian doesn’t give me a whole lot of options. Not that I don’t love Grey because I love him so fucking much already. Hell, I love that little boy more than I love myself. It’s just that it would be nice to have someone other than myself touching my cock; I think my right hand, Jill, has gotten her fill of me. Between work and my priorities at home, “Jill” is all I’ll have to look forward to for a long fucking time.

Instead of focusing on my non-existent dating life, I put all my focus into getting my finances in order, so I can build a better future for Grey and myself. After getting my first pay check, I went to my dad for help. At twenty-four-years old, I hadn’t the faintest idea about how to budget. I felt fucking ashamed and couldn’t conceal my embarrassment when I confided in him. Despite how young and naïve I felt at first, I’m glad I sought some sort of guidance because now I have a few grand stashed away and I can finally think about moving out.

I’m aware of all the benefits I have by staying at home with my mom and dad. For one, they can watch over Grey when I’m on the job. Another benefit is the money I’ve been able to tuck away—since my parents are kind enough to not make me pay rent. Despite this, I can’t bring myself to stay here a second longer. Constantly being in such a close proximity to my mother has become too much to deal with. I just feel like complete shit around her. She treats me like a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of her shoe that she’s unable to scrape off. At first, I thought her hostility had to do with her way of dealing with the loss of Dean. However, I’m not buying that excuse now. It’s more than that. This is just who she is and I never saw it before. When I was younger, I would excuse her behavior because I knew I wasn’t a joy to live with. I knew I was a difficult, drugged out, partier that didn’t give a shit about his future. So, every time she would condescend to me and cause me to feel like scum, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. I knew I wasn’t the ideal child, but I never wanted to accept that she wasn’t the ideal mother.

Lately, she’s been breathing down my neck. I’ve spent every day trying to prove myself to her, but my efforts seem to be futile. There’s no way she’s going to see me any differently. It’s a bitter pill to swallow. It seems like, despite the changes I’ve made in my life, she’ll never love or respect me. 

I need to move on. I feel like a bit of separation will be good for the both of us. I just can’t come home to that every day. She’ll take care of Grey for me while I’m at work and I’ll get the distance I need. I haven’t expressed these feelings to my dad because after all that’s happened to shake the foundation our family is built on, I don’t need to add to the stress and pain.

Now that I’ve got a good chunk of money saved, I’ve been looking for apartments after work. I wanted this to be something I did myself, so my parents can see that I’m capable of doing things right on my own. I know they still have doubts about my position as Grey’s guardian, despite the fact that Grey and I are so good for each other. I can give him back some of the love that he’s lost. I’ll never be able to replace my brother and sister-in-law, but I can give Grey my whole heart and hope that will be enough for him as he grows up.

“Sir, are you ready for the tour?” the leasing agent asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

I found an apartment complex with equal opportunity housing which I’m sure will meet my needs. The apartments are nicer than I’d imagined and I’m hoping it will be a good fit for Grey and me here. I give the pretty leasing agent a nod and follow her out of the office and to the available first floor apartment a block away. She chats me up the entire time, making small talk about her life while asking me about mine. I keep my answers short and try desperately to not stare at her ass as it sways in front of me. It’s been too long since I’ve been with a woman. While the spunky leasing agent is hot, she’s nothing compared to the brunette who still seems to haunt my every thought. What I wouldn’t give to have a night alone with her…

“This is the apartment we have available at the moment,” she says as she unlocks the door and takes me inside.

I give her ass one last look before I turn my attention to the small apartment. With two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a nice living room that’s perfect for Grey to play in, this apartment meets all of my needs. However, I know this isn’t the best part of town and I’ll be raising my little guy here. My thoughts go back to the shitty apartment I stayed in growing up while we were waiting for the builders to finish up on our house. I was almost eight and Dean was eleven while we lived there. We had the apartment building closest to the park which was for residents only. One day after school we went straight to the park without our parents and ended up getting flashed by some creep who apparently lived next door to us. I shudder at the memory of his disgusting cock hanging between his skinny legs. Dean covered my eyes and threw rocks at the man until he fled. I don’t want Grey to have to grow up around shit like that. So, I’ll definitely have to do some more research before I just dive head first into a lease agreement.

“So, what do you think?” the leasing chick asks as soon as she’s finished with the tour.

Although I haven’t paid much attention, I give her a friendly smile and say that I’ll think about it. Her eyes rake over my body before she smiles back, and this smile obviously has nothing to do with trying to convince me to lease this apartment. As we make our way back to the leasing office where I parked my truck, she begins to flirt with me and I’m more than happy to flirt back. It’s been such a long time since I flirted with anyone. It always feels good to have someone find you desirable. We stop outside my truck. She runs a nervous hand through her hair and smiles at me before taking something out of her shirt pocket. My eyes follow the action and find that her tits are heaving beneath her shirt. I can’t remember the last time I made a woman so nervous.

“Here’s my business card in case you want to call with follow up questions,” she says, but before handing it to me, she pulls out a pen from her purse and quickly jots something down on the back of the card. “And here’s my personal number in case you ever wanted to call for any other reason.”

Although I know I probably won’t call—I can’t exactly have casual sex with someone while I have a baby at home to care for—I take her card anyway to be polite. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there and I don’t want this girl’s confidence to waver because of my shitty situation. While she’s not my usual type—I tend to like blonde women with a little more meat on their ass—she’s still pretty and she shouldn’t feel discouraged because of me. “Thanks,” I pause, reading the name off of her card, “Tiffany. I’ll be in touch.”

She gives me a girlish smile and waves at me as I slide into my truck. I throw the number in my cup holder and decide to keep it there in case an opportunity ever presents itself. On the way home, I decide I need to talk to my dad about this apartment business. He knows his way around town and knows all the best areas—while I’ve got no clue about what I’m doing. I don’t want to sign a lease on an apartment I’ll regret.

As soon as I arrive home, I immediately go to Grey—just as I always do. He pulls me to him like a fucking magnet and has a way of taking away all the stress I experience during the day. Today I find him in his little baby gym and, while he loves the damn thing, he immediately wants to be free of it as soon as he sees me. I pick him up and kiss his forehead before tucking his little head beneath my chin. I carry him to my dad’s study and take a seat, rocking Grey in my arms as I wait for my dad to finish up his paper work.

I can feel my dad’s eyes on me as I talk to Grey, and after a few minutes of observing us, he says, “You’re really good with him. I know your mom has her doubts, but you’ve really exceeded our expectations when it comes to carrying for him.”

I pause for a moment, taken aback by his compliment. I don’t know why I’m so astounded because my dad has always been my biggest supporter. I know it’s because I’ve had my doubts when it comes to taking care of Grey, as well. I never know if I’m doing things right or if I could be doing things better. It’s nice to hear someone thinks I’m doing well because I have no clue how to be a parent.

As if reading my thoughts, my dad continues, “No one knows what they’re doing at first, Trevor. You just do the best you can. You give them all of your love and hope things work out.”

“It seems like it all came so naturally for you and mom.”

He snorts and shakes his head. “It didn’t come naturally. We had to work at it just like everyone else. You don’t remember the challenging times we had because you were too young, but we had them. I’m just happy you and your brother turned out so well.”

My heart drops at the mention of my brother and I grow quiet and uncomfortable in my seat. Changing the subject, I ask, “I was wondering if you could help me look for an apartment? I’ve got a good chunk of money saved up since I’ve been picking up those extra hours these past few weeks and I want your opinion. I’ve been looking on my own a bit, but I don’t know the area like you do, and I want your advice.”

Grey coos in my arms, trying to grab my cheek and pull my attention back to him. He never likes when I spend too long talking to anyone else. I give him a quick smile and kiss his cheek before turning my attention back to my dad.

“I’m off later this week if you’d like to check some apartments out,” Dad says with a proud smile. “We’ll get a good deal on something.”

We get into a discussion about all the places I’ve checked out so far. It doesn’t take long for Grey to grow impatient, not used to not getting every ounce of my attention while I’m holding him. As I talk with my dad, Grey keeps grabbing my thumb, yanking on my shirt, and touching my face until I finally give up and give him my undivided attention.

“What’s up, little man?” I ask, making Grey giggle in response, happy now that I’m finally talking to him. He mumbles a few syllables and smiles at me as if we were having our own conversation. “Want to go play, buddy? Is that what you want?”

Grey cocks his head and watches my lips as they move. Despite not having a clue what I’ve said, he smiles at me and nods before grabbing my thumb and sticking it into his mouth.

“It looks like he’s getting bored,” Dad comments with a chuckle. “Go ahead and play with him. I don’t want you to stress yourself out over this apartment business. We’ll go hunting for one this weekend and I know we’ll find a suitable one for you two soon enough.”

I leave my dad’s study feeling a hell of a lot better about my situation. I’m certain he’s right; we’ll find an apartment in no time. I’ll be happy once we do because I’ll feel like my life’s finally getting on track. I’ve spent so much fucking time messing around, that I now feel like I don’t have the faintest clue how to be an “adult.” It’s sad, but it is what it is. I don’t dwell on it long, though. It’s impossible to dwell on anything when you have a happy baby in your arms who’s desperate for your love and attention.

 

 

Between work and Grey, Saturday comes quickly. As nervous as I am about taking this next step—I’m excited, as well. I’ve always lived with roommates and, even then, my name wasn’t on the lease. I spent the majority of my time in Cali sleeping on different couches and bartending to save up enough money to live on. Now that I have a good chunk of money saved and I’m moving on to bigger and better things, I feel like my life is slowly coming together.

“You ready to look at another one, Trevor?” Dad asks as he parks outside the third leasing office of the day.

I’m fucking exhausted, but I’m ready to see where this day takes me. I’ve got a good feeling about this one. As we drove up to the leasing office, I saw plenty of kids outside playing with their parents at the park in the center of the complex. Plenty of possible friends for Grey when he gets a little older. This apartment is in a nice area and is close to a preschool which my dad says will be perfect for Grey once he’s old enough to attend. We could start our whole life here, I ponder as I look out the passenger side window.

“What is it, son?”

“It’s nothing,” I respond with a shrug, always embarrassed to admit to any emotions. “I just have a good feeling about this one.”              

Dad smiles at me before getting out of the car. As I step out and follow him to the front door of the leasing office, I see something which stops me in my tracks. Just a few feet away is the girl who has possessed my every thought for the past month. Her curves are perfectly showcased in a pair of yoga pants and a workout shirt and her body is slick with sweat, indicating she just got back from a very long run. Unable to help myself, I lick my lips as I look at her. What I wouldn’t give to lick that swear right off of her sweet body. Seeing this beauty only gives me one more reason to move into this complex. She obviously lives here and if she runs around the complex all the time like this, I definitely have some major incentive to move in.

“Trevor? You coming, son?” Dad questions with a smirk on his face. He obviously knows where my mind has been.

I couldn’t help myself. I’ve been sex depraved for almost two months now and that girl is a wet dream. I follow my dad before I can watch where the girl heads off to. Which I suppose is for the best—considering how creepy it is for me to want to know where she lives. I try to push my thoughts of her aside, but she remains in the center of my mind as we begin to look at the available apartments. The image of her in her workout clothes, wet with sweat, invade my mind and I try desperately to think of something horrible to get my hard-on to go away. Old women’s sagging tits. Walking in on my parents fucking. Changing Grey’s diapers. Shit, nothing is working. The leasing agent bats her eyes at me and I’m sure she thinks my arousal is for her. I pull my T-shirt down over my cock and try to tame my cock so I don’t embarrass myself in front of my dad. I manage to get the stunning brunette out of my mind for a moment, as we look at a two-bedroom, second floor apartment that is absolutely perfect for Grey and me.

“What do you think about this one, Trevor?” Dad inquires as soon as we have a moment alone while the leasing agent is taking a phone call.

“I really like it. It’s expensive, though,” I comment as I look at the amazing kitchen I know I’ll have to learn to use. This is just the kind of apartment I want Grey to grow up in; I’m sure I can sacrifice something, which should allow me more money to put towards the monthly rent for an apartment like this.

“We’ll try to talk down the price,” my dad says with confidence.

It’s times like these when I’m glad I have a dad in telecommunication sales. No wonder he makes such an insane amount on commissions, he’s fucking brilliant. Once he dons his confident persona, there’s nothing he can’t accomplish. However, I want to do this on my own. I don’t feel right having my daddy do this for me. It’d make me feel pathetic.

As soon as the leasing agent comes back, I insist we talk about pricing. She smiles and takes us back to her office where we can go over the paperwork. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but I insist on my dad letting me take care of this. I want to prove to myself I can get stuff like this done—and I want to prove it to my dad, as well. I never knew how exhilarating talking about a lease could be, but once I manage to talk the agent into a more reasonable price for my budget, I feel like a fucking king. Although my dad doesn’t say anything, I can tell by the smile on his face he’s proud of me. I can’t begin to describe how this makes me feel.

“Congratulations, Trevor,” Dad marvels as we leave the leasing office with a singed lease in hand.

He drives us to a local diner and insists on buying me lunch to celebrate. I can’t believe I have my own apartment! I know it’s a small feat for some, but to me, this means everything. It’s easy for me to be down on myself all the time. There’s just so much of my life I regret, and I hate feeling that way. My regret won’t change anything in my life but dealing with my mistakes is a bitter fucking pill to swallow. If I could turn back time, I would change so much. I would’ve been the son my dad deserved a long time ago. Luckily, he had Dean to fill that role. Dean. Just thinking about his name makes my heart shatter.

“How’s it been for you, Dad?” I ask once we’ve received our food. I’ve never really talked to him about Dean’s death. I’ve never been ready to talk about it. I thought if I didn’t bring it up it’d be like it never happened.

Dad stares at his drink, looking much older than his fifty-two years all of a sudden. His posture has changed and his face twists into a deep frown, making his wrinkles prominent. When he finally meets my gaze, I’m devastated by the pain I find in his deep brown eyes. He’s always been the strong one in our family, an expert at hiding his emotions to keep our little family afloat.

“It’s been difficult, Trevor. I won’t lie to you. Until you came home, it was like I was grieving Dean’s death all by myself. You know how your mother is, Trevor. She just can’t handle any mess in her life. She needs everything to be neat and easy. When anything in her world isn’t perfect, she chooses to ignore it.”

I stare at him for a moment, astounded by how honest he’s being with me. He’s never said a single bad thing about my mother—even when there were plenty of bad things to say. “She isn’t strong like you are, Dad. You’ve always been the anchor in this family. Even in the darkest of times, you always made us feel like everything was going to be all right. I admired you for that. I always felt safe with you around. Dean and I spent our whole lives looking up to you.”

He gives me a sad smile and looks down at his food as a means of distracting himself. “You can’t admire people too much, Trevor. They’ll disappoint you sometimes.”

“You could never disappoint me,” I tell him, my voice ringing with conviction. I pause for a moment, feeling very small all of a sudden as I ask, “Have I disappointed you?”

“Trevor, you could never disappoint me,” he says, his voice filled with sincerity. “You’re my son.”

I smile, feeling embarrassed. I never really talk about my emotions and I hate when conversations get really deep. It’s beyond uncomfortable for me and now that I can’t use drugs or alcohol to assuage my discomfort, I avoid shit like this even more. My dad senses my unease and changes the subject as we begin to eat our lunch. He talks about golfing with his buddies and suddenly it feels like we’ve transported back in time to when everything was “normal” in our family. As our lunch comes to a close, I feel closer to my dad than I have in a long time.

Dad must feel this way, too. As we’re walking to the car he pauses and says, “I’m so proud of you for getting your life back on track like this. I always knew you could accomplish a great deal if you put your mind to it.”

My heart fills with an emotion I’m just starting to recognize. I haven’t told my dad I love him in a very long time. I think the last time I told him how I felt, I was a little boy in elementary school, back when my world revolved around him. Before he takes another step, I stop and tell him my truth. “I love you, Dad. I’m sorry I don’t tell you that enough.” Hell, I wish I had one last chance to tell Dean again before he left this Earth.

His eyes mist over with tears before pulling me into a strong embrace. I can’t remember the last time I let anyone hold me like this. We stand in the parking lot for a long time; holding each other as if I’d finally come home after being lost for an immeasurable amount of time. Which, I suppose is true in many ways.

“I love you, son,” he tells me. And although I can’t see his face, his voice is heavy with tears.