chapter 30

black hole sun

He was young and in love… At least, that’s what I keep telling myself. The decisions he made years ago could be very different from the decisions he might’ve made if he was the man he is today. He found a girl and wanted to settle down—but that dream was ripped away from him. I contemplate what I would’ve done in his situation. If it had been Ronnie I’d left behind to chase a dream, only to come back to find she’d moved on with her life and married someone else, I would’ve been heartbroken. He had made a choice when he married my mother, though. He’d made the choice to forget everyone else and move on with his life. Why on Earth would he make that decision if he was in love with someone else? Someone he couldn’t have. Felicity was the one who got away—and I guess my dad could never find it within himself to let her go. Even after all this time.

My heart aches for my mother. When he betrayed her, he betrayed his children, as well. He assured me that it happened before I was born, but he still had Dean at the time. I don’t understand how he could do that to him. How could he put a piece of pussy before his own child? Why take the chance of potentially ruining his family? I could never imagine being unfaithful to Ronnie. I can’t imagine doing anything to risk losing her because I love her more than anything. Maybe my dad never loved my mother the way he loved this Felicity chick. When he married my mother, his heart still belonged to his old girlfriend.

After my dad’s revelation, dinner had been an uncomfortable and bleak affair with our conversation being kept to a minimum. After hearing his confession, I didn’t want to hear anything else from him. Despite it all, I still love him. I’ll always love my dad—but I know I’ll be fucking angry for a long time. While I love him, I’m not sure if I like him anymore. He seemed so melancholy after he told me. I know it has to be because he knows I’ll no longer look at him in the same favorable light. He’s not the hero I thought he was while I was growing up. It fucking sucks, but how can I still look up to him after all of this? The way he talked about her… the way he described the love he once had for her… It was as if he thought his love made all of his indiscretions okay. I didn’t need him to fucking patronize me like that.

“Now that we have that laid to rest, I hope we can move on, Trevor. Don’t let a mistake I made years ago affect our relationship now, son. Please,” he pleads as we finish our dinner.

I play with my glass of water, all the while avoiding his gaze. What the hell does he want me to say? My wounds are still so fresh. I can’t stand being lied to and patronized. “If our relationship is hurt by this—it’s not my fault.”

I can feel him regarding me with a touch of annoyance. “Trevor, I’ve forgiven you for so much because I love you and you’re my son. I’d like to believe that you can find it in your heart to forgive me, too.” He takes a deep breath and leans back in his chair. “I understand you’re angry, and it’s not easy to digest. Just know that I love you. The mistakes I’ve made and the things that I’ve done will never change that. Nothing will.”

I take one last drink of my water before I scoot my chair away from the table. Throwing a couple of twenties down on the tabletop, I get up to leave. “I love you, Dad. I do. I just don’t know if I like you very much at the moment.” My jaw clenches as I see the pain in his eyes. He looks as if he’s aged all of a sudden. “Just give me time, Dad.” I turn and leave without looking back.

I blast my music on the ride home, pretending my life wasn’t so fucking messy. Every time I feel like things are getting better, something sets me back. It’s like I’m continuously trudging up a hill, never able to reach the fucking top where things get easier. It seems like nothing will ever get easier. I roll my windows down and let the frigid air fill my lungs as I murmur along to “Wish You Were Here.” The song makes me remember the times I used to talentlessly shout the lyrics along with my brother. Singing distracts me, but every time the music fades out I remember why I’m angry in the first place.

As soon as I return home to my little family, I feel as though I can finally breathe again. They’re waiting for me on the couch, just like they said they’d be. Selfishly, I wake Grey up just so I can hear the sound of his voice, needing the comfort it provides. Ronnie doesn’t press me at first, she merely sits next to me and gently massages my back until I calm down. I watch my little man as he wiggles around in my arms before grabbing my thumb and bringing it to his mouth to gnaw on. I smile at the familiar action and relax against the couch.

“How’d it go?” Ronnie finally asks.

I shrug and watch Grey as he falls back to sleep in my arms. “It went about the way I’d expected it to.”

She frowns and slides across the couch to rest her head on my shoulder. “That bad, huh?”

I sit in silence for a moment, remembering how flippant my father was about the whole thing. He acted like just because his actions happened such a long time ago—they didn’t matter at all. His nonchalant attitude didn’t sit well with me. “He had an affair.” I pause before emitting a bitter laugh. “I fucking knew it.”

“How long did the affair go on?”

“He fucked around on my mom a few times before I was born. He’s pretty much been in love with this other woman the whole time.”

Ronnie sits calmly at my side, saying nothing. She holds my hand and allows me a moment to vent my frustrations to her.

“You should’ve seen how fucking flippant he was about the whole thing. The only thing he seemed to be regretful about was the fact I found out. He didn’t seem too remorseful about his behavior. He was just worried about how I’m going to look at him now. And honestly, I don’t know how to look at him anymore. You grow up thinking your parents love each other—at least, I did, and now I feel like it was all this huge fucking lie. I don’t even think he really loved my mother. He’s never talked about her the way he talked about this other woman. The look on his face when he mentioned the woman he fucked around with—well, it’s the look I get on my face when I talk about you. It’s like she’s the center of his universe or some shit like that. He’s never looked that way when he talked about my mom. I wonder if my mother knew about this other woman. Maybe that’s the reason she’s so cold all of the time. God, I’ve never been one to stand-up for her, but now I feel so bad for her, you know? Everything I’ve ever thought I knew about my parents has been turned on its head.”

“He’s still the man who loves you,” Ronnie supplies quietly.

“He may love me, but I don’t know who the fuck he is anymore.”

She gives me a sympathetic smile before bringing her soft lips to meet mine. Her kiss is so sweet and has the power to make me forget about everything that’s going on in my life, even if it’s just for one moment. I deepen the kiss, not wanting to talk about my parent’s fucked-up problems any longer.

She pulls back to catch her breath as she looks down at Grey—who’s still fast asleep on my lap—before she breathlessly questions, “Are you sure you want to do this tonight? You’ve had a really rough day.”

I nod, rising from the couch to go put Grey in his crib. “I need to feel you, Ronnie. I just need to forget about all of this shit for a little while.”              

“Want me to put Grey to bed?”

“I got it. Just go to my bedroom and wait for me.”

I quickly get Grey ready for bed, happy he’s not being fussy with me. I change his diaper and dress him into his most comfortable onesie before tucking him safely into his crib. “I love you, Grey. Have a good night’s rest for Daddy.” He gives me a sleepy smile. I watch his eyelids flutter before he drifts off to sleep.

I find Ronnie sitting topless in the center of my bed, which causes my cock to harden instantly from just the sight of her. She’s so fucking gorgeous—every single inch of her. I’d spend the rest of my life worshipping her mother-fucking-fine body if she’d let me. I don’t bother taking my clothes off just yet. Instead, I ease onto the mattress and crawl my way up on top of her, pulling her soft body into my arms. Her body feels so incredible against mine—as if we were made for each other. I just want to lose myself in her completely. I press my lips to hers. She immediately opens her mouth to grant my tongue access, allowing me to enjoy the taste of her until I can barely breathe. When she’s just as breathless, I pull away and trail my wet lips down her neck to her tits. All the tension in my body finds its release as my lips latch around her nipple, sucking until she moans in pleasure. I’m obsessed with her tits, so much so, I’d be happy to die from suffocation between them. She moans and thrashes on the bed as I play with her body. I release her nipple just in time to cover her mouth with mine because the last thing I need is my crying son to cockblock me tonight.

I pull her little, red running shorts down her legs, as well as her sexy, white panties that make me hard every time she wears them. Who knew such an innocent piece of fabric could cause such a reaction from me. I trail my hand up her thigh, until I reach her wet core. I rub her clit with my thumb before I slip a single digit inside of her. I always want to make sure my girl comes before I fuck her since I know some chicks can’t get off by penetration alone. As amazing as I think I am in bed—I’m not completely oblivious to that fact. I add a second finger, then another to work her over real good. I want to make sure she’s thoroughly pleased and ready for me. My mouth finds her tits and I begin to suck on them again. I smile when I feel her core starting to pulse around my fingers. My cock becomes painfully hard against my zipper, begging to be released. I was in such a hurry to pleasure her, I forgot about stripping off my clothes. Ronnie’s impatient, so she violently grabs my shirt, pulling it over my head before yanking at my jeans.

“You’re going to unman me, sweetheart,” I tease, chuckling at her enthusiasm.

She bites her lip and gives me a coy smile as she watches me unzip my jeans and pull my cock out. I slide off the bed to step out of my sneakers before pulling my jeans off. I enjoy the view she grants me as she parts her legs. I kneel between her thighs and reach over and open the drawer of my bedside table for a condom. I’m quick to rip the foil packet and I pump myself a few times before sliding the rubber into place. Ronnie stares at me with her bright eyes. They’re filled with excitement as I lower myself on top of her curvy body. I bring my lips to hers, and I’m inside her in one, harsh thrust. I can’t make love to her—not tonight. I need to lose myself in her body. I need to come so fucking hard I won’t be able to feel anything else. She understands my need, and even encourages it as she grabs a handful of my ass to spur me to thrust harder and go deeper. I proceed to fuck her into oblivion. I can’t help but grin as she spanks my ass. God, my girl turns me on unlike anyone else. I know I won’t be able to last much longer, so I make sure my girl’s enjoying herself with every thrust. I reach down to give her clit some attention, but she beats me to it, leaving me to watch in awe as she plays with herself.

“I love you, Ronnie. I love you so fucking much,” I groan.

“I love you, too,” she gasps—reaching her orgasm.

I come so hard I see fucking stars. My vision blurs so much it’s as if I were intoxicated. I feel intoxicated—being incredibly high off sex with my girl. I finally pull out and lay beside her. I pull off the condom, knot it, then throw it in the trash can beside my bed before pulling Ronnie’s silky body against mine. I love holding her after sex. It makes me feel as though we are one.

Ronnie laughs; it’s a beautiful sound, but quickly stops as soon as I notice.

“What is it?”

She shakes her head, smiling. “It’s nothing.”

“Tell me,” I urge.

“You always say you love me when you come. I don’t think you know you’re doing it.”

“Why is that funny?”

My girl gives me a shy smile, looking up to meet my eyes. “Well, you’ve always done it. Since the very first time we had sex. You were coming, so I didn’t know if you actually meant it—especially since you didn’t bring it up after that. Well, until you ‘officially,’ ” she stresses with air quotes, “told me.”

I snort, unable to believe I did that. I thought I’d been saying it inside my head, not out loud. God, I feel like such an ass.

“So, you knew I loved you before my big confession?”

She nods, her lips twitching as she suppresses a smile. We lay in a comfortable silence for a while before she nuzzles up to me and asks, “When did you know you loved me?”

“Well, part of me wants to say when I first saw you.” I smile at her and she blushes. “Realistically though, I think I truly fell in love with you when we became good friends. You didn’t treat me like anyone else in my life had. You didn’t judge me for my past mistakes—instead, you saw the man I was trying to become. You believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself. That meant the world to me, Ronnie. I never thought you’d be able to love me in return. I believed I had enough love for the both of us. Honestly, I was in love with you before I even knew what ‘romantic’ love really was.”

Ronnie gives me a teary-eyed smile and gasps when I pull her into my arms. As I hold her, it truly feels as though I’m holding my other half—I love each and every part of her. I wipe away a tear as it rolls down her cheek. “When did you know that you loved me?”

A beautiful smile illuminates her face as she tells me, “When I saw the way you loved Grey. You gave up everything for that little boy, and not many people would have done the same. I know you get down on yourself and constantly think you’re not good enough, but you are, Trevor. You’re more than good enough. I wish you could see you the same way I see you because if you could, then you’d know why I love you so much.”

I’m all choked up. So, I do what I usually do when I get emotional like this, I tease her. “So, it wasn’t for my body?”

She throws her head back and giggles. “Well, I guess it was for the tattoos,” she says and winks at me.

She loves me for the tattoos. I smile. Maybe I could add to my ink and get one tattoo for her and one for Grey. I contemplate that thought, as we drift off to sleep.

 

 

I wake-up the next morning, feeling like a new person. My youth might have been a lie, but what I have right now is real. I have a family of my own that loves me. I’m not going to keep rereading the last chapter of my life as if it’s going to change anything. My brother’s dead and my dad’s a fucking liar—but I’m still here. I can’t keep dwelling on things that are out of my control. I lean over to kiss Ronnie’s shoulder before sliding out of bed to get my son ready for the day.

Grey’s face brightens as soon as he sees me. He’s kicking his legs in excitement as soon as I reach for him, squealing as I pick him up. Not wanting to think about my father, I focus all my energy on my son. I tell him the only story I remember off the top of my head as I bathe him and get him dressed. His jeans are getting too short for him, indicating I’ll have to go shopping for new clothes for him soon. He’ll be turning one in January; I can scarcely believe how fast time has flown by. I almost wish I could stop the clock from turning and keep him as a baby forever. Although, another part of me is excited to see him grow up.

“You’re getting so big, buddy. You’ll probably grow to be as tall as your daddy,” I tell him as I slip on his socks. Dean stood at six feet, five inches tall, which is one inch taller than me. I have no doubt that Grey will grow up to be just as tall. I can’t even begin to imagine what he’ll look like when he’s a teenager. Hopefully, he won’t be the wild card I was. Although, I’m sure if he did turn out that way—it’d be karma for all the shit I put my parents through growing up. “Daddy’s going to have to buy you some new clothes.”

“Maybe we can do that today?”

I whip my head around to find Ronnie standing in the doorway in one of my T-shirts. I take a moment to appreciate how fucking gorgeous she looks before responding, “You sure you want to do that today? I thought you wanted to spend my day off chilling at home?”

“Well, I don’t mind going shopping if it’s for Grey,” she comments as she toys with the bottom of the shirt, making me want to spend the day in bed with her.

I guess I wouldn’t mind it so much, either. Besides, Grey always loves a change of scenery. “Well, why don’t you jump in the shower and get ready, then we’ll head out.”

She smiles before turning to run back to my room at the end of the hall. “Well, buddy, looks like we’re going shopping today for you.” He smiles at this and smiles even more as I take him into the living room to watch morning cartoons together.

As soon as Ronnie finishes getting ready, she comes out in a sweater and a pair of jeans which makes her legs look absolutely incredible. I hand her Grey and jump up to go get myself ready. I don’t take long in the shower, and quickly brush my teeth before grabbing the first pair of jeans and clean shirt I can find. My phone buzzes as I slip them on, so I tap the screen to find a message from Travis. I’m happy he’s reaching out to me. He asks if I’m up for getting lunch after I get off work tomorrow, which I quickly reply in an affirmation. Hopefully, this will become a normal thing for us. God knows I don’t have many friends in this town. Not that I’m unhappy with the amount I have now—I like spending all my free time at home with Grey and my girl. Although, having a few guy friends is always nice. As soon as the plan is set, I slip on my Vans and hurry back into the living room to join my two favorite people. She’s feeding him a yogurt and gives me a bright smile as soon as I return.

“You ready to go, babe? Or do you want me to make you something to eat?”

I smirk at her before responding, “Well, you did really wear me out last night.”

“Breakfast it is then.” She practically skips to the kitchen and grabs a pan from the cabinet before rifling through the fridge.

“What’s on the menu?” I call out to her while I continue feeding Grey the last of his breakfast.

“Are you okay with pancakes? I can make them really fast and then we can be on our way.”

“Whatever you want to make is perfect.” You’re perfect.

We watch morning cartoons as we eat. It’s so fucking relaxing and makes me wish every morning could be like this: a nice start to the day spent with people you love. After we finish our food, we head out to the closest mall. I haven’t been here since I was a teenager. Before I was introduced to drinking and partying, I’d spend my weekends here, just hanging out with my friends. I remember being really content during those trips, but after I started partying all the time, I found hanging around the mall extremely boring. It’s different now, of course. Now I have a good reason to be here. It makes me feel accomplished to be able to buy nice things for my son. I’d buy him the whole world if I fucking could, but for now, I’ll settle on a few nice shirts and pairs of pants.

Ronnie’s thrilled with the chance to pick out some outfits for our little guy. The last time I saw her this enthusiastic about shopping she had a two for one coupon for fabric softener. It’s really cute to watch her as she gets so serious and invested about finding Grey the “perfect outfit.”

“I can’t believe he’s getting so big,” she says over and over as we look for his size in various piles.

“He’ll be one on January sixteenth,” I tell her with a proud smile.

“We’ll have to throw a nice party for him.”

Party. I’m honestly not used to the idea of a party which doesn’t involve copious amounts of alcohol. How the hell do you plan a party for a kid? I run a nervous hand through my hair as I say, “Do you think you could plan it? I’m completely lost when it comes to that sort of thing.”

“You’ve never planned a party before?” As soon as she sees the uncomfortable look on my face she changes the subject. “It’ll be exciting when Grey can talk to us.”

“I know,” I say, all of my discomfort gone. “I can’t wait to finally hear what he’s thinking.”

“I wonder what his next word will be,” Ronnie muses as we walk to the checkout with a pile of baby clothes in hand.

“Hopefully, it’ll be something positive. I need to really stop cursing so much around him. I try my best, but I know some of my thoughts fly out my mouth. God willing, he won’t start saying ‘shit’ by the time he starts preschool. I’ll definitely get some awkward looks from his teachers if that happens.”

She giggles at my comment as she sets the pile of clothes we’d selected on the counter for the clerk to ring up. I pull my wallet out and hope that this purchase won’t break the bank.

“Let me buy him some of this stuff,” Ronnie insists, pulling part of the pile back to her so the cashier won’t ring it up. “I did pick out some of this stuff, after all.”

When I open my mouth to argue, she gives me a pleading look and a pout. “Fine, Mommy,” I tease her as I pull out my card to pay for my pile.

We leave the store and head to the food court after Ronnie insists on getting an ice cream cone. Of course, I don’t mind. I do get to watch her eat it. I buy a cone for myself and give Grey a lick or two, just so he can try out mint chocolate chip for the first time.

“Dada!” he squeals as soon as I pull the ice cream away from him.

“Buddy, you can’t eat all this sugar all by yourself.”

“He’s going to be hooked now,” Ronnie says with a smile before taking a long lick of her vanilla cone.

I feel my cock stir at the sight and nonchalantly reach down to adjust myself before taking a lick of my own cone. I swear, this girl does this to me on purpose. She must know how she affects me. As we sit in the food court, I feel so normal. We’re a normal family—doing a normal family thing—and I honestly couldn’t be happier. After my dad’s revelation I try to enjoy moments like these because my gut tells me there’s another unpleasant truth lurking around the corner.