CHAPTER ELEVEN
Maddie
The water was hot, perfect on my tired muscles, and the bath salts Lydia had purchased surrounded me with a heavenly mix of jasmine and vanilla.
In less than twenty-four hours, my entire life had been upended, but right now, in this moment, I felt safe.
And something else that was unfamiliar. I felt needed.
I also felt desired.
I opened my eyes and turned my head to look out at the city lights glowing on the other side of the window.
Xander Armstrong didn’t have the long flowing blond hair like the man on the front of that romance novel, but he had all the traits of a hero that mattered. Handsome, of course. Gentle yet strong. Brave yet oddly vulnerable.
I wasn’t sure what had happened to his family before returning to New York earlier today, but what happened in the park would have caused a normal man to explode. And he did explode… a little, hitting the cameraman like he did. But for that, I didn’t blame him. Anyone would have been pushed to that limit, and the big, hulking man with the wide chest and strong arms had been at his limit, I knew.
Xander was a protector. That much was clear by the way he’d pulled us all into the shelter of his arms, even the small dog. The little CeeCee. I dearly hoped they either found the animal’s true home or they brought the little thing back to us.
Us?
I shook my head.
There was no us.
There was them… Xander, Kylian, and Kenzie. And there was me… for a while.
Ducking my head under the water, I began to focus on getting clean. There was no need to focus on anything else, after all. For the moment, I had food and shelter, and that needed to be enough. I would help care for Xander’s children until he hired a proper nanny, or I had enough money saved up to move on.
With my mission firmly in my mind, I shampooed and conditioned my hair, then washed every nook and cranny quickly. Especially there… the place that suddenly ached to be touched. When my fingers moved between my legs, my entire being stirred to life, and I wanted to linger there, stroke and touch, soothe the throbbing.
Would that be so bad? To think of Xander’s face while I moved my fingers over and around my sensitive clitoris? Would it be so bad to imagine it was his fingers… his tongue?
In the novel, Jacob moved between Nellie’s legs and kissed her there. And from Nellie’s reaction, it was the most pleasant of experiences. Could it be true?
Or was the novel pure fiction? A fantasy of the mind that couldn’t be replicated in the physical world?
I didn’t know.
What I did know was limited to my sexual tutor’s instructions. And she only focused on the various ways to please a man.
“Stimulate his mind, my dear, before stimulating his body.” So, I’d practiced smiling with only one side of my mouth, lowering my head and looking up through my lashes. I learned to walk with a sway to my hips that could only be used in private.
Then, there had been the sensible details about being clean and thoroughly waxed at all times. “For no one knows when your husband might want you, and you must be prepared and willing at any moment.”
After that came the more embarrassing topics, such as how to kiss, caress. Perform oral sex. That had been mortifying as I’d watched the sterile video tutorial on the subject. Did women really enjoy being used in such a way? And when the man in the movie ejaculated… I shuddered at the memory.
Xander does that.
My breath caught in my throat as the image of Xander flashed in my mind. Xander with no clothes. Xander with a cock pointing straight at me. Xander moving closer as I fell to my knees, willing to please him. It would be his scent that touched me first, then maybe his hands in my hair as he held my head still, readying me for his invasion.
How would he taste? Salty? Sweet? Would his skin be smooth as he moved between my lips? Would he be so big that I gagged on his flesh, and if I did, would he be understanding or upset?
My stomach twisted at the thought.
He would be understanding, I knew. And patient, just as he’d been in the laundry room.
Could I be like Nellie?
By the end of the novel, Nellie had opened her mouth gladly. She’d licked and sucked, taken Jacob deep into her throat. She’d cupped his testicles in her hand, causing him to go into raptures. And when he came, she swallowed every drop.
Could I do that? With Xander?
“Stop it!”
The sound of my voice in the quiet room surprised me, and I moved my hand from between my legs, disgusted with myself.
I needed to stop this.
I was pathetic. Xander probably thought I was at least borderline pathetic too.
In the hours I’d known him, I’d done little else other than cry or show how terribly useless I was as a human. I couldn’t even wash a small load of clothing, for goodness’ sake. I could only imagine how he’d look at me if he had to walk me through the steps of sexual intercourse too.
If he even wanted me like that.
My body stirred deep inside. He wanted me like that, I could tell.
But wanting and taking were two different things for most people. Honorable people, and I sensed the honor in Xander. But what if he took? What if he came into my bedroom in the night and slid in beside me? Would I fight him, tell him to go?
No, I wouldn’t.
There was only one thing left of me that belonged in the past, belonged to Princess Madeleina Birgitta. My virginity. With it gone, I would no longer hold the loathsome “prize” Prince Vitalievich had paid such a high price for.
With it gone, I could escape the bonds of my overly protected life.
I could be Maddie… free.
At my last physician appointment, the gynecologist had been distressed to see that very little of my hymen remained. I’d been checked every six months since my sixteenth year to ensure I remained pure. My father hadn’t been happy. He had called me into his chambers, demanding to know who I’d whored myself out to. It had been a terrible fight.
“How can you say that?” I’d asked him in disbelief. “How would I have managed such a tryst? I have no moment on my own. I’m never unescorted. I’m under your lock and key, so Father, please tell me how I could have managed such a feat?”
The doctor had explained that such belief in the hymen being proof of innocence was outdated, and it could have been ripped when I rode a horse in the royal parade the month before. Or during a swim. A run. The yoga and Pilates sessions I so enjoyed. Any physical activity. It had been mortifying to have such a private part of my body discussed in such a way in front of me.
“But there is still some hymen left?” my father had asked the doctor, as if he was making sure some gold was in the vault after a bank heist.
“Yes. Some remains.”
My father had ordered that my physical activity be reduced then. I’d stared at him, knowing I’d go insane without my daily exercise. We’d argued, and I’d lost the argument, of course. I had been allowed to substitute those activities with others. I’d been allowed to be in the kitchen with our chef, who’d patiently taught me some culinary skills. I’d even served my mother one of the crepes I’d made, to both her and my delight.
I also picked up a camera and asked for a tutor to help me learn the settings. My father was happy to provide that for me. “Anything to preserve your reputation.”
It had been infuriating and degrading to have my value reduced to a miniscule piece of tissue. There had been times when I wanted to grab some object and stab it between my legs, rid myself of the last bit of meaningless virtue.
I didn’t.
And I didn’t know why.
That wasn’t true. I did know why. Because deep inside me, I wanted the romance. I wanted to be Nellie. I wanted to have that first invasion into my body be with a man.
With Xander, my mind whispered.
Sighing, I stood from the water. I couldn’t use Xander like that. As a means to an end.
Could I?
Even if he was using me too?
My lids stuck to my dry eyes as I blinked. I was so tired. I needed to stop thinking and just go to bed. Get some sleep so these crazy thoughts would leave my mind.
I’d only known the man a few hours, and I was already thinking of being in his bed. Which was crazy. First, because I normally didn’t think those kinds of thoughts. And second, the poor man had enough on his plate with two children. I needed to stop this path of thinking. I would care for his children, nothing else. Then I would leave their lives as soon as I could and never look back.
After using the spray nozzle to rinse the soap off, I picked up a towel. It was fluffy and soft, reminding me of home.
My heart squeezed.
Was Mama alright? Had my father and the prince bought the lie? Did they believe me dead? Were they currently planning my funeral?
The questions churned inside me, driving me insane.
To distract myself, I slathered my skin with the sweet-smelling lotion Lydia purchased, then brushed my teeth while the lotion dried before pulling the soft material of Xander’s t-shirt over my head. I studied my reflection in the mirror as I combed the tangles from my hair. Without the glasses and with my hair wet and swept away from my face, I looked more like Madeleina Birgitta right now than was comfortable.
I needed to remember that. I needed to make sure my bangs were down and glasses were on, at least for the next several months. Which reminded me. I’d left them in the laundry room.
Carefully opening the door, I smoothed the t-shirt down my thighs and moved quietly down the hallway toward the kitchen, but as I got closer, I heard a sound. No, it was someone talking. Listening harder, I realized it was the drone of a television.
Following the sound, I peeked around the corner to the family room, and there, I found Xander sprawled out in a chair, fast asleep.
I smiled. His head was thrown back and soft snores came from his mouth.
He really was quite handsome, and each time I saw him, I was surprised by how big he was. Even now, he seemed to pour out of the chair, legs spread apart, arms draped over the sides. Standing, he towered over me by over a foot, even though it didn’t take much to be taller than my five-two frame.
I examined him more closely. In sleep, the hard lines of his face were relaxed, and he might even have looked boyish if not for the full beard. My eyes traveled down. Spread out as he was caused the buttons of his shirt to pull, exposing small dots of tanned fleshed beneath. Lower. The swell in his pants drew my attention and made my insides do funny things. I wondered—
“In other news, Princess Madeleina Birgitta…”
I whipped my head toward the television, barely able to contain the gasp of surprise at hearing my name. Turning slowly, I crept past Xander to get closer to the enormous screen. My picture — it caused my heart to pick up speed. It was me, at my engagement announcement, looking pale beside Prince Vitalievich.
Listening closely, I was relieved when the news anchors mostly speculated. At this time, I was only “feared” dead. There were pictures of the palace and the bundles of flowers left at the gate. It touched my heart even as I was stabbed with guilt for the lie and unnecessary pain I’d caused the people of Aldcliff.
And even that was a surprise. In the deepest part of my heart, I didn’t think anyone would miss me. Not really. But on the television, people were crying, lighting candles…
I jumped when the screen cut to a close-up of Prince Vitalievich’s face. His dark eyes nearly pierced through me as he spoke in halting English into the camera.
“I refuse to believe Madeleina is dead,” he said, his nostrils flaring in rage. “Until I’m shown evidence of her body, I will hunt for her.” He leaned closer to the camera. “I will hunt for you, Madeleina. And I will find you, I promise you that.”
Air whistled in and out of my lungs, fear clutching my chest as the news anchors looked sadly into the camera, commenting on how much the prince must have loved me to be so unwilling to accept my obvious fate.
Another man appeared on the screen, and I inhaled sharply as a reporter asked him a question. It was the man who’d saved me. Beneath his image read: Theo Bernard. He was a captain in the Groupe d’Intervention de la Gendarmerie Nationale, a special force of the police.
Reaching out to touch the screen, I whispered, “Thank you,” as he spoke of my “death.” How they would continue to troll the waters for another twenty-four hours, but how, at this time, “We have little hope of finding the princess alive.”
I relaxed only a little when images of my mother and father appeared. Mama looked pale and grief-stricken as Papa led her into the Notre-Dame Cathedral. I looked closer. Papa… did he look grief-stricken too?
I stared until they disappeared, hoping for another glimpse. Then, I sighed. She was alive, free and unharmed. That was the most important thing. I’d examine my feelings regarding my father’s reaction another time.
Please let her remain safe, I prayed.
The newscast cut to a commercial, and it took a good minute before I felt steady enough to rise to my feet. Sneaking by Xander, I crept to the laundry room and took out the wet clothes and tossed them in the dryer before spending an embarrassingly long time trying to determine how to work the thing. When it finally began to work, I picked up the glasses and stuck them on my face.
In the large scheme of things, I wasn’t doing so bad.
Yes, I lost my duffle bag and the money that would have made my escape easier. But I’d lost it by saving a child. A fair exchange, in my opinion.
But there was so much more than that. I’d been brave enough to go into that water. I’d been brave enough to change my appearance and leave my family for an unknown destination all on my own. I’d learned to start a washing machine and a dryer. That meant I’d learn other things.
Feeling better about myself, I tiptoed back to the family room and studied Xander again. He was still making a soft snoring sound that made me smile. But I worried about his neck, and the odd angle in which it was resting on the cushion. I really should wake him up, urge him to go to his bed before the muscles began to ache.
I placed my hand on his shoulder and shook. “Xander.” When he didn’t move, I did it again, only harder this time.
Quick as a snake, his hand encircled my wrist. I cried out as he sat up and then was on his feet in an instant, towering over me.
He blinked, his vision clearing, and his eyes widened as he realized how tightly he was holding me. “I’m sorry.” But instead of letting me go, he pulled me closer, and once again, I found myself enveloped in his warmth.
Even with the fright I’d just experienced, I was safe there, his hands running up and down my back, his words a soothing balm. “I’m sorry. I was dreaming. I’m so very sorry. I didn’t mean to frighten you.”
Pressed so tightly against him, I found myself soothing him in return, my hands running up and down his back as I murmured, “It’s okay. I’m fine. I promise.”
How long we stood there like that, I didn’t know. And as tired as I was, I could have stood there for hours more.
His hand moved up to my hair and wrapped around the damp strands. He gently pulled until I looked up at him. I didn’t complain when he pulled my glasses off and placed them on the table beside us.
“Where did you come from, Madalyn? The stars? Another planet? A faraway universe?”
Almost.
Smiling up at him, I did what I’d been longing to do. I lifted my hand until my fingers stroked through his beard. When he turned his head until his lips brushed against my palm, I felt it all the way to my toes.
“Heaven,” I said, and maybe that wasn’t a total lie. After all, I’d died and been reborn less than twenty-four hours ago.
“Then you are my angel, sent to me. To us.” He lowered his head until his face was only inches from mine. “For some reason, I think that’s true.”
He was so beautiful. Kind. His dark eyes warm as they gazed into mine. My fingers curled into his shirt, and I lifted up onto my toes before doing something I’d never done before.
I kissed a man.