Chapter Fourteen
Samantha
This is the last place on earth I want to be right now. I can’t believe I’m actually standing here, right outside my mum’s front door to attend another one of her dreadful family gatherings.
I only got back a few hours ago and didn’t even have enough time to unpack my things. Rachel called me as soon as I let myself into my apartment, practically begging me to put in an appearance. I complained and moaned about having to go but ended up giving into here. It’s almost impossible to refuse Rachel anything.
So here I am… smartly dressed and with immaculate make-up, trembling with fear. I know he’s in there and I really don’t know if I have the physical or emotional strength to face him. It’s been six days since I last spoke to him and five since our brief phone call on Sunday morning. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that leaving was the right thing to do… I just don’t know if he will see it that way.
I jumped at the chance when Audrey told me about the small that house she owns, fully furnished and available for use. She gave me permission to take the week off, assuring me that she would find a temporary replacement. The fact that I only work part time finally persuaded me, I knew that it wouldn’t be too much of an inconvenience for her and happily accepted her offer.
She drove me there herself. A twenty mile journey and then she had to drive all the way back again. I repeatedly thanked her, wondering how on earth I would manage to repay her for her kindness and understanding.
I texted Rachel on Monday and let her know about my decision to go away for a few days. I let Jason know as well but chose not to contact Zack. I decided to keep my phone switched off throughout the week, certain that the much needed peace and solitude would help me to figure out some of the mixed up thoughts in my head. However, I spent most of my time thinking about Zack and he continued to invade my dreams every single night. He consumed most of my waking hours as well and in the end realised that the time alone wasn’t helping me at all. After a while I realised I needed to come home and face the music, you can’t run away from your problems and I you do, they’re certain to catch up with you eventually.
Knowing that I’ll see Zack again in a matter of moments is terrifying. I don’t know how he’ll react or if he’ll even react to me at all. I know he can’t be happy with me for leaving or for running out on him when he begged me not to. He asked me not to push him away and that’s exactly what I did.
I’m seriously considering the undeniable temptation that comes with leaving. I could simply turn around and go, making sure I phone Rachel later on and make up some excuse for why I didn’t turn up.
I’m just about to make my exit when the front door opens and a breath-taking Rachel pulls me in for a hug.
“I’m so glad you made it! Thank you for coming!” She throws her arms around my neck, squeezing me tight in a sisterly embrace.
“It’s fine. I was happy to come.” I lie, forcing a joyful smile onto my face.
“I can’t believe you just left without saying a word. I got the biggest shock of my life when you told me where you were.”
“I just fancied a change and some time by myself.”
“Are you sure you’re ok?”
“I’m sure.” I try my best to be convincing, hoping she won’t see right through my façade.
“Good because I have so much to tell you! Oh my God, Sam… I thought things weren’t going so well between me and Zack and I suppose they weren’t… until last night.”
“L-last night?” I stammer, battling to ignore the excruciating pain inside my chest. It’s one I’m all too familiar with and never want to experience again.
Heartbreak.
“Yes!” She practically squeals excitedly. “We finally spent the night together. God, I was so worried. It’s been weeks since we last had sex and I couldn’t help myself from wondering if it was my fault. Anyway, he took me by complete surprise last night. He fucked my brains out and I could hardly walk this morning!” She giggles, linking arms with conspiratorially as we make our way down the hall.
She has absolutely no idea what her words just did to me. She’s completely oblivious and that’s how I need it to stay. She can never know that what she just told me crucified my very soul. I honestly don’t know how I’ve found the strength to remain standing upright. Every single instinct inside my body is screaming at me to fall down, fall down and weep.
Zack. Zack and her. Zack and her together.
Just like we were.
“Are you ok?” Rachel’s question yanks me out of my reverie, pulling me back into the present.
A place I really don’t want to be.
“Of course” I shake my head, pleading with my shattered heart to cooperate just this once. “I’m just a little tired from my trip, I had just got back when you phoned me.”
“I’m sorry, Sis. I really do appreciate you coming here though, Zack told me to invite you. I think he’s hoping you might be there to save him from our annoying relatives if they somehow manage to corner him and I’m busy.”
“Oh…”
Of course that’s all he wants me for. I was foolish to believe anything different.
We make our way into the main room and I swear I can feel his watchful eyes on me the second we enter the room. I try to distract myself straight away, heading over to the table where the drinks are. I grab a glass of champagne and almost down it in three gulps. I’ve never been drunk before but now feels as good a time as any.
“Don’t even think about humiliating your sister tonight. I’ve got my eye on you and don’t you forget it.” My mum whispers, coming up behind me.
“Wow… love you too, Mum.” I reply icily, purposefully turning my back on her.
We’re mercifully interrupted by a distant relative wanting to start a conversation with my mother and I can make my escape. I put as much distance as I can between me and Zack, busying myself with my phone as I try to avoid eye contact with him. It proves to be no damn use as I shift uncomfortably underneath his penetrating gaze. I don’t know where Rachel is and I daren’t look up from my phone’s screen in case I actually see him.
Maybe I can say I’m feeling ill? Maybe I can have a quiet word with my sister and make up some excuse about how exhausted I am. I’m sure she would understand and be fine with me leaving so soon…
“Sam, I need to talk to you.”
I whirl around and almost collide with him, stumbling backwards. He reaches out to steady me but I deliberately tear my arm from his grasp.
“Don’t. Touch. Me.” I snarl, glowering at him in hatred.
“What the hell? What’s wrong with you? Why are you looking at me like that?” He continues to fire questions at me, attempting to draw me back in with those incredible brown eyes of his.
“Like you don’t know.” I say contemptuously.
“I don’t!” He exclaims loudly, unknowingly raising his voice.
“Just stay away from me. I want nothing more to do with you.” I speak coolly, forcing myself to look at him.
I need him to know how serious I am, I don’t want there to be a single doubt in his head when it comes to us being together.
“Baby, please… you have to explain to me what’s wrong.” He pleads with me, imploring me with his eyes to believe his sincerity.
“You two ok?” Rachel sneaks up behind me, startling us both.
“Everything’s fine.” I assure her, hoping my fraudulent smile will be enough to convince her. “Zack was just asking me about my holiday.” I lie, angling my body away from Zack.
“You really need to tell me what happened, Sam. What made you decide to leave out of the blue like that?” She regards me with curiosity, no doubt wondering what mess I’ve managed to get myself into this time.
“You know… I really can’t remember what it was but I’ve come to realise that whatever problems I was facing before I left just don’t matter to me anymore. It’s just not worth it.”
I make sure my tone is cold and condescending, intent on wounding him. I need him to hurt. I want to make him suffer and experience the agonising pain that I’ve been through. A part of me wants to destroy him and even though he’s technically done nothing wrong by choosing to sleep with his own fiancé, that doesn’t mean I don’t feel the temptation to claw his eyes out every time I look at him.
My whole body hurts. I actually ache from the torment his betrayal has brought me and I know I have no right to be feeling jealous or deceived… except I do.
“Come on, the food will be ready in a minute and I want you to sit beside us at the table.” Rachel links arms with me again as we move in the direction of the dining room. I can still sense Zack’s unwavering stare on my back as we exit the room.
I quickly make an escape for the toilet, hoping that I won’t get seated next to Zack and Rachel by the time I get back. I even consider making a run for it, wondering how good my chances are of being able to sneak out of here without being seen.
I take a seat on the edge of the bath, fighting to remain calm my heart rate accelerates. My palms are sweaty and my head is swimming, I can barely bring myself to look in the mirror, certain that my reflection will reveal the haunted emotion behind my eyes. The excruciating trauma I’ve just endured is unlike anything I’ve ever known. I’ve never felt envious before. I’ve never felt jealousy quite like this… it’s so powerful, I feel like it could tear me in two. I clench my fists and take a deep breath, forcing myself to stand up. My legs are still unsteady as I unlock the bathroom door, reluctantly leaving the safety of my isolation.
I only manage to take a single step before I hear his voice.
“Samantha, wait.”
I spin around to find him leaning against the wall behind me, waiting for me with his arms folded and a petulant scowl on his face.
“I told you to leave me alone.” I say coldly, brusquely walking away from him.
“I don’t care about that. You need to talk to me!” He begs, chasing after me.
“Not here.” I stop abruptly, spinning around to face him.
“Then where?”
“Nowhere! I don’t want to speak to you anymore, I don’t want to speak to you ever again.” I lie.
The truth is I wouldn’t survive a single day without this man but that’s the last thing on earth I want him to know right now.
“Why not? Tell me what I did for Christ’s sake!” He grabs hold of my arms and shakes me, forcefully trying to get the truth out of me.
“Look, it’s none of my business. Just forget it.”
“For fuck’s sake, Samantha. Tell me.” He growls, tightening the already painful hold he has on my arms.
“I know you slept with Rachel last night.” I finally concede, whispering softly.
Revealing what I know to Zack has surrendered me to the indescribable agony that’s been burning a hole in my chest since I found out. I can’t help it. I need him to fix what is broken, I want him to assure me that I got it wrong, that it didn’t happen. I need him to wake me up from this hideous nightmare.
“What?” He whispers disbelievingly, relinquishing the bruising grip he has on me.
“I know, Zack. She told me”
I desperately want to ignore the guilt I can see in his eyes, unwilling to accept that he really did make love to my sister last night.
“When?” He asks gravely, closing his eyes.
“Just now.” I tremble, instantly knowing that it’s true. “I don’t see how that matters. What’s important is that I know.”
I attempt to put some distance between us but he refuses. He cages me in between the wall and his powerful body, leaving me trapped.
“Oh.”
His silent admittance is all that it takes. I instinctively protect myself, folding my arms across my chest, knowing that I’m about to experience the searing pain of been torn in half all over again. The image of the two of them together invades my mind, twisting and turning the ugly thoughts inside my head. The thoughts which include hurting them both for causing me to wounding me like this.
“Don’t try to make out like I’m overreacting.” I warn him, using my index finger to stab him in the chest.
A part of me wants it to pierce his heart. I would give anything for him to know what it feels like. I need him to understand what I’m going through, I want him to feel just one tenth of the discomfort and nausea that is consuming my whole being. My aim is for him to be tormented and afflicted beyond belief.
“And how do you feel?” He questions me, stroking a single finger down the right side of my face.
“Sick. I feel sick to my stomach.” I reply truthfully, struggling to avoid the powerful magnetism his touch brings me.
“Why?” He asks, lowering his lips towards mine.
“Why do you think?” I snap, jerking my head away from him.
“Because you’re jealous.” He replies simply, tilting his head to the side with a bemused expression on his face.
“Fuck you.” I snarl, glowering at him viciously.
“You can if you want to.” He whispers, speaking directly against my ear.
“Just stop it. You disgust me.” I groan, shrinking away from him.
“Sam, last night was a mistake, it really was. I knew that it felt wrong as soon as we started…”
“No! Stop! I don’t want to hear it!” I interrupt him, violently shoving my palms against his chest, intending to at least bruise him this time.
“No! You’re going to hear this. I have to explain myself to you.” He grabs hold of my wrists in a vice like grip, unyielding and determined to stop me from pushing him away.
“How many times do I have to tell you? I don’t want to hear it.” I speak slowly, as if he’s slow to understand.
I hope it will be enough to stop him. I can’t bear to hear any more about his illicit tryst with my sister and I’m starting to fear what the repercussions will be if I actually throw up all over my mum’s pristine carpet… a definite possibility if he continues.
“Sam! Zack! Where are you guys?”
The sound of Rachel’s voice coming down the hallway is enough to break us apart. I purposefully make sure there’s enough distance between us and pray we don’t rouse her suspicions.
“Say nothing. I’ll take care of this.” Zack instructs me, casually leaning against the wall opposite. He shoves both of his hands inside his pockets, exuding confidence and calm.
“There you are! We’re all waiting for you two in the dining room.” Rachel turns the corner and furrows her brow when she spots us, a bewildered expression on her face.
I nervously glance at Zack, wondering how on earth he’s going to explain our absence to her. This must look really suspicious, even to an unsuspecting person like Rachel.
“I had to discuss something with Sam, something private. Wedding business.” Zack grins at her, oozing self-assurance and composure.
“Oh, wow! I don’t want to ruin the surprise so I won’t ask anything else. We really do need to start with dinner though, mum isn’t happy.” Rachel rolls her eyes at me before turning on her heel and leaving us alone.
I’m about to follow in her footsteps when Zack reaches out and grabs my arm, preventing me from taking another step.
“This is not over.” He growls, breathing heavily against me.
I shrug him off me and ignore his warning, mentally preparing myself to get through the next couple of hours unscathed.
Famous last words.
I avoid the malicious and spiteful glare of my mother when we join the others, taking my seat at the opposite end of the table to Zack and Rachel. I’m actually relieved to be so far apart from them, the last thing I need right now is to watch the two of them all over each other. I’m quite happy to sit in the corner and be ignored, it’s nothing new to me and if I’m being entirely honest… I sometimes think I prefer it that way. I’m so used to existing in the shadows, completely outshone by my sister’s light.
“You must be so thrilled that Rachel has asked you of all people to be her Maid of honour.” One of my mother’s friends says to me, forcing me out of the trance-like state I had become lost in.
I glance across the table at her and smile weakly, refusing to even acknowledge such a blatantly rude statement. God knows what my mother has told people about me but they sure seem to have a low opinion of my existence. Just like she does…
Zack continues to fixate his hypnotic gaze upon me throughout the entire meal and I shift uncomfortably in my seat, struggling to understand how no one else seems to notice the tension between us. Not even my sister.
“Of course I would like Rachel’s Uncle to give her away. I just hope that he will be able to fly over for the wedding.”
My mum’s sudden announcement causes me to jerk my head in her direction. My mouth falls open and my breathing becomes erratic. My body feels weak and yet my heart begins to hammer inside my chest, threatening to burst out at any moment. I clench my fists, digging my short nails into the palms of my hand. I’m so desperate to feel physical pain right now, frantically trying to distract myself from the searing storm of agony that’s consuming my very being.
“Mum, I haven’t even said yes to the idea. It was your suggestion for Uncle Harry to give me away.” Rachel reprimands her gently, nervously moistening her lips.
She casts a glimpse in my direction but refuses to look me in the eye, clearly caught off guard by our mum’s revelation.
“It was my suggestion and a good one. You’ll see sense soon enough and I can’t wait to tell Harry the good news. You have no idea how excited he will be, Sweetheart. You know he thinks the world of you.”
I clench my fists, battling against the overwhelming urge I have to throw my dinner plate at my mother’s head. I cannot believe that she would invite that… monster back here. Or that she would partly convince my sister to even consider it.
Evil. That’s exactly what she is and it’s taken me twenty-three years to discover it.
The conversation carries on with my mother explaining to the rest of the table that my late father’s brother, Harry, has been living abroad for several years. She goes on and on about what a successful businessman he is, building his entire empire single-handedly. I count to one hundred in my head, willing myself to remain righteous and composed, knowing an emotional outburst is exactly what my so called mother expects from me right now.
One person’s attention still remains. His searching gaze stays on me throughout it all, inquisitive at first and then downright discerning. I feel as though he can see right through me. He’s probing my mind, I can almost visualise him flicking through the pages of my life, scanning the contents of my brain and trying to decipher the traumatic events I’ve experienced. Intrusively venturing into my most private thoughts and attempting to translate them into a language he can understand.
The desert is finally served. I only manage the smallest of mouthfuls before I push my plate away, unwilling to play along with this charade for a moment longer. No one tries to engage me in conversation and I’m more than happy to remain silent, at least then I can pretend I’m invisible.
All I’ve ever wanted to be.
My mother suggests that everyone stay for a nightcap after the meal and that’s when I decide to make my exit. I wait until Rachel is distracted, she’s caught up in a meaningless conversation with one of our distant relatives and it’s the perfect moment for me to leave unnoticed.
I don’t plan on saying goodbye to everyone, they’re all too caught up in talking about the wedding and the thing I need to do now is escape. This house is like a cage, a cage I need to break free from before I slowly suffocate from its clutches.
I quickly head towards the hallway, hoping to grab my coat and make a speedy exit without being spotted. However, it’s when I’m walking past the sliding doors that lead out onto the balcony that I pause. I can’t help but remember the first night that I stepped out here with Zack to take in the magnificent view. I remember the electricity that already existed between us that night and how unnerving it was for me to feel so drawn to my older sister’s new fiancé.
I thought he felt it too. He almost convinced me that he did and then he made love to her. I know they’re engaged and I know there is absolutely no future for me and him but it still… hurts. Who am I kidding? It’s killing me and that’s why I need to get out, I need to stop this right now before it strips me of everything that I am, everything I need to hold onto.
That still doesn’t stop me making my way out onto the balcony, I silently open the sliding door and close it behind me, breathing in the cool evening air outside. There’s a full moon and I gaze up at it for the longest time, remembering the children’s story my dad used to tell me about a man living on it. When I was a little girl I truly believed in him and every single night I used to pray to that man in the moon. After my father died I used to do it more often, I couldn’t understand why God had taken my daddy away, I didn’t know why the awful things had started to happen to me and I had no idea how to stop it. I used to think that the kind man in the moon had all the answers and if I listened hard enough he just might tell me what to do.
It was a full moon the night that Harry came into your room.
I shake my head in disgust, banishing the intrusive thought from my head. I don’t want to hear it, I’ve never listened to my subconscious before and I refuse to start now. The minutes tick by as I wait. God knows what for, maybe I’m still waiting for that man in the moon to say hello, to let me know where I went wrong and what I can do to change it.
Silence.
That’s the only response I ever got as a child and no doubt the only one I’m ever going to get.
“I wish you could tell me everything is going to be alright.” I whisper softly. “Just this once.”
I continue to gaze up at the starry sky, wishing with all my might to hear something good.
“Everything is going to be ok.” A deep, masculine voice startles me, forcing me to whirl around in a panic.
I inhale sharply when I come face to face with Zack. He’s standing by the sliding doors which lead out onto the balcony. He must have followed me out here and somehow managed to do so in silence.
“What are you doing out here? Were you spying on me?” I narrow my eyes at him in accusation, struggling to contain the fury and indignation coursing through my veins.
“Of course not.” He replies calmly, holding his hands up in surrender.
“But you followed me out here.”
“Ok, I admit it. I did come looking for you but I couldn’t find you anywhere. I thought you might have left but decided to check out here… just in case.” He says softly, slowly closing the distance between us.
“I still don’t want you sneaking up on me like that.” I reprimand him, folding my arms across my chest to shield myself.
The truth is that I’m embarrassed. I can’t believe I let Zack catch me talking to myself like that. It makes me feel humiliated and more than a little ridiculous as well as extremely vulnerable.
“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you and I certainly don’t want to piss you off more than I already have done tonight.” He soothes me in a placating tone.
“You shouldn’t even be out here, Zack. Go back inside, go and be with Rachel.”
“I don’t want to. I don’t want to go in there and pretend anymore. It’s not her I want, Samantha. It’s you.”
“Is that what you told yourself last night when you were inside her?” I ask contemptuously.
“Sam, let me explain what happened to you. Please.” He begs me, agony and desperation intensifying his voice.
“It’s none of my business! And I really don’t want to hear all the gory details.” I proclaim loudly, attempting to cover my ears.
“I was drunk! I know it’s a really lame excuse but that’s the honest truth. Part of me thinks that was part of Rachel’s plan all along. She knew my parents were out last night and she turned up on my doorstep unannounced. She had several bottles of wine with her and I tried to make her leave, I swear I did but she wasn’t having any of it. I thought she would only stay a while and eventually get tired of me being so unresponsive to her but she didn’t.” He sighs deeply, walking over towards the railing of the balcony where I’m stood. “I was already feeling low and I mean really, really low. I had no absolutely no idea when you were coming back and a part of me felt responsible for you leaving in the first place. I swear I’ve been in absolute torment since you left, torturing myself over what happened last week and how I ran out on you when Rachel called me from the restaurant to pick her up. Before I knew what was happening I was drunk and I mean completely intoxicated. I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. We somehow made our way upstairs and that’s when my mind goes blank. I know we slept together but the only reason I know that for sure is because I thought of you the whole time. I know that disgusts you but it was out of my control.”
“You’re sick.” I respond scathingly, picturing the two of them together as I say it.
I can’t help the undeniable urge I have to punish him, to throw his seemingly sincere apology back in his face and humiliate him. I don’t like this vindictive version of myself but as much as I try to ignore it, my need for revenge is quick to rear its ugly head.
“You don’t think I know how messed up this is? You think I don't know how sick and twisted it is of me to want you? I know this is wrong. I know I shouldn't even be thinking about you in this way but that doesn't change the fact that I do! Samantha, I want you every second of every minute of every day and it’s killing me. I can't stay away from you anymore, I just can't do it. I need you and I know you feel the same way about me. We belong together and nothing you say or do is going to convince me otherwise. When I’m with her... I’m aching for you, I physically hurt because I can't be with you and I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do to make this right! Every single night you manage to invade my dreams, you consume every damn thought I have and there's no escaping it. The idea of never being able to have you is making me crazy. You're driving me insane and I'm seriously close to losing my mind if you tell me I can't have one more night with you. I can’t sleep, I can't eat... I can't even think about anything else other than you. You’re not the wrong girl, Samantha, she is.”
There’s a moment of silence between us. A moment which distorts the actual length of time. He continues to watch me closely, pleading with his eyes for me to believe him and… despite everything, regardless of what he did or didn’t do last night with my sister… I do.
“Say something.” He beseeches me, placing both of his hands on my shoulders.
He turns my body to face him, struggling to gain eye contact with me. I close my eyes, needing a moment without the intensity of his gaze on me so I can process my thoughts.
“I believe you. I believe you’re telling me the truth.” I confess, slowly opening my eyes to look at him, at the man who takes my breath away.
“Thank God.” He exhales loudly, tightening the hold he has on me.
“But that doesn’t mean we can be together.” I murmur softly, taking a step back.
“What?” His face pales with dismay and devastation. “No, don’t say that. Please.” He grabs me and crushes our bodies together, lowering his mouth towards mine.
“Zack, you know it’s true.” I place my palms against his chest, gently pushing him away.
“No. No, I don’t. Is it because of Rachel? If that’s the only reason why you think we can’t be together then I promise you right now… we will make it work. Just give me a chance to prove it to you.”
“Zack, there are so many things you don’t know. So many parts of me you aren’t even aware of. I’m…I’m broken and there’s nothing you can do about it. There’s a beautiful, confident, dazzling woman in there. She’s your fiancé, she’s the woman you asked to marry you and above all else… she’s not me.”
“I want it to be you! I need that more anything. God, I’m sorry about last night. I’d do anything to erase it. You have to believe me!” He tugs on his hair in violent anguish, his desolation and despair is difficult for me to watch and I really have to stifle every single instinct that I have to reach out and comfort him.
“Goodbye Zack.” I whisper, choking back the tears as I turn my back on him.
I’m about to leave when his fingers curl around my wrist, gently tugging me towards him. My back rests against his chest as he whispers softly into my ear.
“I know about the baby.”
“W-what?” I stammer breathlessly, fighting the anxiety that’s already begun to build up inside of me.
“I know about your baby and I’m sorry. Sorry will never be enough but it’s all I’ve got. If that’s what you mean by telling me that you’re broken, if that’s what you mean when you tell me that I don’t truly know you then… I do. Or at least I could, nothing could ever make me want you any less. Nothing in this entire world.” He assures me, tracing his fingertips along the inside of my wrist, dancing with my pulse point as it quickens.
“Who told you?” I ask, struggling to keep the tremor out of my voice.
“Rachel. She didn’t mean to, I practically forced it out of her.” He explains calmly.
“I…”
I can’t even speak. I’m at a loss for words. The excruciating pain his revelation has brought me cannot be described. No one can understand the tragedy and heartache that comes from losing a child, under any circumstances. It is a pain that lives on inside you long after that nameless, faceless child has gone.
“It wasn’t your fault, Sam. I know what happened to you and you are not to blame.” He assures me, drawing circles with his thumb against my skin.
“I-I have to go.” I somehow find the strength to break free from his grasp and make a dash for the balcony doors.
“I saw your face at the table. I saw the terror in your eyes when his name was mentioned and I want to know why.”
His voice stops me in my tracks. I know exactly what he’s talking about and I was foolish to think that he wouldn’t have spotted it. His impassioned gaze refused to leave me throughout the entire meal, I should have known he would pick up on my fear. Emotion that powerful and strong cannot be contained, neither will it be overlooked by someone as perceptive as Zack.
“It’s nothing.” I lie, refusing to turn around and face him.
I know that I will crumble if I look into his eyes. He will recognise the angst in them and see through my deceptive façade.
“Don’t lie to me. As soon as your Uncle’s name was mentioned you turned pale. I’ve never witnessed anything like it and I want to know the truth. Tell me.” He persists firmly, demanding an answer I cannot give him.
The truth.
The truth is something I cannot mention and refuse to acknowledge, not even to myself. It’s something so dark and so terrible... it has existed inside of me for sixteen years and its constant torment is something I have become used to. Sleepless nights, horrifying nightmares and questioning my sanity is my normal. I don’t know any different and I swore to myself a long time ago that I would never reveal the truth. I made the unfortunate mistake of confiding in one person, I told her many years ago and will not make the same mistake again.
“There is nothing to tell, whatever you think you saw is false. You’re mistaken.”
And with that I leave him. I do not turn back and I do not show him that my heart is breaking. When you keep from the world your innermost self… you must learn to live with the consequence of your decision.
This is mine.