Chapter Twenty-one
Samantha
Five months.
That’s how long it’s been since I last saw Zack and Rachel. Five months since I walked out of that house with the knowledge that it was probably the last time I would see my sister. However, I had no idea it would the last time I saw him.
My life has changed dramatically since that day. I now live in a new apartment, in a new town, I no longer have my job and I no longer have Zack. Making the decisions that I have has not been easy for me and I second-guess the choices I have made every single day, wondering if they were the right ones.
Today is Halloween and I’ve just got back from another intense session with my new therapist. Today I told her about Zack. Well, as much as I could tell her in the space of forty-five minutes. The Cognitive Behavioural Therapy I started a couple of months ago was a success in some aspects but not in others. My therapist helped me to realise that the CBT would help with my health anxiety, which I now realise was simply a product of all of the anxiety I was carrying within me. She also explained that CBT was probably not the right type of therapy for me if I wanted to address and understand the underlying emotional issues that were still troubling me and keeping me awake at night.
She referred me for Compassion Focused Therapy which is pretty self-explanatory. This type of therapy deals with compassion, understanding what it is and then it helps you to apply it to yourself. It made a lot of sense when she first explained it to me and it has really helped me to deal with the guilt and the negative feelings of self-loathing I have had to contend with my entire life. My new therapist has been working with me so she can help me understand how my core beliefs I hold about myself have continued to affect the things that I do and the choices I have made.
An individual’s core beliefs are formed during their childhood and seeing as my own childhood was tarnished by the despicable things that my uncle did to me… its almost understandable why I think so poorly about myself. I’ve still only had four sessions with her and each of them have been emotionally draining, physically exhausting and tough to take. I understand that this is how therapy works, it has to open up the wounds which you are reluctant to address. It has to do this in order for you to heal or at least begin the healing process.
I’ve just let myself into my new apartment and switch on the TV, disliking the silence that comes with it being switched off. I make my way into my small kitchen and grab a bowl, emptying the large bag of sweets I bought earlier for any trick or treaters that might come knocking. I saw a few of them on my way home from the surgery where I go for my CFT and knew that I best hurry back in case they decide to call.
I also send a quick text to Audrey, confirming the time and place we’ve arranged to meet for tomorrow. We stay in touch as often as we can, choosing to talk on the phone and text when we can’t meet in person. She’s been such an incredible friend to me over the past few months, I owe her a lot and will never forget or overlook the loyalty that she has shown me.
She’s the one who helped me find my new apartment and sorted out the lease for me on the one I left. I didn’t want to hang around any longer than I had to after that day and knew I had to leave it all behind me if I wanted any chance of a fresh start. She also understood why I had to quit my job at the nursery, unable to go back there after everything that happened. I always knew that working there wasn’t what I was destined to do but still felt bad about leaving so suddenly, especially when Audrey had been so understanding about me taking time off work when I first fled to her house for two weeks.
When I left Zack and Rachel that Sunday afternoon five months ago, I had no intention of leaving everything behind me for good. However, it was during my journey back to my old apartment that I realised what I had to do. I had originally planned to do what Zack had instructed. I thought I would simply go back to my apartment so I could gather some of my things and we would take off as soon as he had finished speaking to Rachel. I had even started to believe that the best thing for us was to take some time out like Zack had suggested, craving peace and quiet as well as some alone time with him so we could figure things out.
However, it was during my journey back there that I realised the only solution was staring me in the face. I knew that Zack would never be happy being a part time dad to his baby. I knew that I would never be content with him being the father to my sister’s baby and I also knew that Rachel would not be able to have a peaceful and stress-free pregnancy if Zack and I were together.
It was only when I started to look at the situation objectively that I realised what had to be done. I was the common denominator, therefore I was the only one who could be expected to do the selfless thing and leave.
I raced back to my apartment that day, packed as much of my things as I could and fled back to Audrey’s. I begged her to help me get away before Zack turned up and convinced me to stay. She was severely against my decision to go but in the end I managed to persuade her and she helped me. I went back the house I first stayed at that belonged to her and thanked God for the fact that I had never told anyone where it was situated. I only told Rachel via text that I had gone away for a few days and she never did find out where I really went.
I only stayed there for a few weeks whilst Audrey helped me to find a new apartment. I knew I didn’t want to live too far away but far enough to know that I wouldn’t bump into anyone from my past.
Thank goodness for the money my father left me in his will or I wouldn’t have been able to support myself financially without taking on a new job right away. I also had to change my number, certain that Zack would not rest until he managed to track me down and speak to me in person. I still try my hardest to avoid thinking about it and how tormented he must have been when it finally dawned on him that I wasn’t coming back.
I did eventually decide to pass my new number onto Jason, convinced that the last thing he was going to do is pass my details onto Zack. My friend was disgusted with me when he found out what had been going on and it’s only recently that our friendship has started to resemble what it once was.
It was during my third month in my new apartment that Jason finally told me the truth about what happened after I left. He said that Zack had turned up at my old apartment every single night for the first couple of months, hammering on my front door and calling my name before he started slipping several letters he must have wrote for me underneath my door. I suppose he hoped I might go back there and find them or something. He even pestered Jason a few times, venturing across the hall to his apartment and demanded that he tell him where I was.
I asked Audrey to secretly retrieve his letters for me. She still had access to my apartment whilst she was sorting out the lease for me and promised that she still had every single one of Zack’s letters.
Jason also gave me some devastating news during my third month here. He revealed that Zack and Rachel were officially an item again, deciding to raise the baby together as a couple. He said the wedding did not go ahead but they did in fact move back down to London about four weeks ago.
I’ve managed to figure out that Rachel must be five or six months pregnant by now. She probably knows the sex of the baby already and has no doubt bought her baby boy or girl their blue or pink clothing by this time. I left in May and she must have been four weeks pregnant by then, even though the baby would have only been conceived two weeks before she found out and told me. I still can’t imagine her with a baby bump but know that regardless of how far along she is, she will still be astonishingly beautiful.
When I first found out that they were together again, I broke down. I wept for days and refused to leave the house, crying into my pillow every single night. My jealousy and fury knew no limits and I started to worry that my supressed anger would continue to eat away at me until there was nothing left.
I didn’t speak about it to anyone, not even to my therapist for the longest time. The scars I carried with me were still raw and I knew that talking about it would only make it worse. I chose to conceal everything instead, refusing to even discuss it with Audrey who has now become my dearest and only friend. No doubt the rest of my family knows what happened between me and Zack by now, believing my mother’s distorted lies over the actual truth. A truth which I will never have my opportunity to tell.
My brother is the only one I’m concerned about and if I’m being honest with myself, I have considered writing to him on numerous occasions. Nevertheless, I always decide against it and choose anonymity instead. I quite like being non-existent. Deciding to stay invisible and accepting that my presence will now remain undiscovered.
Zack continues to enter into my dreams each night. Sometimes he’s walking beside me by the lake where he first took me all those months ago, the night he wanted to talk to me alone. Sometimes my dreams are more like nightmares, I dream that I spot him and Rachel in the distance, walking hand in hand. He stops and strokes her stomach, affectionately talking to the unborn baby inside of her. I’ve even dreamt that he spots me in the street. He observes me for a few moments before he shrugs and carries on walking, completely unaffected by my presence. Those nightmares are the worst of all and I often wake up crying, fighting for breath as I realise that my tears have soaked my pillow once again.
I have no right to be angry with him but I cannot help the jealous fury that courses through my veins every time I picture them together. How could he do it? How could he say everything that he did to me and still go back to her? I don’t understand it and have come to accept that I probably never will. I recognise that they’re going to have a child together and I’m also thankful that he has decided to stand by her and help my sister raise her baby. I always knew that he would do the right thing but still can’t comprehend why they needed to enter into a relationship with one another for this to happen.
Maybe he was in love with her all along. I could have been a gratifying distraction for him during the months leading up to his wedding and nothing more. I have come to realise that I will never know the truth and can only focus on putting the fragile pieces of my life back together again. I embrace the days I mourn Zack and value the nights I manage to sleep a whole four hours without him entering my thoughts. That’s the longest amount of sleep I’ve somehow obtained without being woken by the memory of him.
With my steaming cup of coffee in my hand, I make my way back into the living room, flicking through the TV channels until I can find something suitable to watch. Today is Friday and the Autumnal months are drawing in fast, reminding me of all the dark nights that Rachel and I used to curl up on the sofa together when we were young.
I miss her terribly but know I have no right to feel this way. I said goodbye to every one of my rights as her sister when I chose to betray her like I did. I will carry the weight of my actions for the rest of my life and understand that I am beneath her contempt, hatred and even disgust.
My attention is drawn to the front door when I hear a knock on it. I jump up and race back into the kitchen, grabbing the bowl of sweets I’ve already prepared for the children who are trick or treating. I wonder what costumes I’m going to be faced with, whether they will be dressed as pumpkins, fairies or something terrifying.
“Hi, guys!” I say, greeting them with enthusiasm as I open the door with a warm smile on my face.
God.
No.
It can’t be…
Zack.
Standing outside my front door with a bemused expression on his face.
“Trick or treat.” He says drily, glancing down at the bowl I am holding before lifting his gaze back to my astonished face.
“Zack?” I whisper in disbelief, utterly unable to comprehend the sight of him before me.
“Yeah, it’s really me.” He replies scornfully, allowing his eyes to roam the entire length of my body. “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”
“H-how did you find me?”
“Private investigator. It took me five months but he managed to track you down in the end.”
I gape at him in absolute amazement and incredulity, wanting to pinch my arm or something to prove to myself that I really aren’t dreaming. I’m so accustomed to these encounters with him but always wake up to find that they were all fictitious, a consequences of my own messed up imagination.
“Come in.” I tell him, clearing my throat in an attempt to gain control over my voice.
“Thanks.” He retorts sourly, brushing against my body as he enters my small apartment.
I observe him as he takes in his new surroundings, absorbing every little detail inside my new home. The décor is modest but I chose it myself and I’m proud of my humble little abode where I now live.
“You really hired a private investigator to find me?” I ask him, choosing to linger by the doorway as I watch him take a seat on my sofa.
“You didn’t exactly leave me with much choice, did you?” He accuses me, narrowing his eyes at me in what I can only describe as resentment.
“You know why I had to leave.”
“Do I?” He challenges, striding towards me until I’m forced to take a step back against the closed door behind me.
“I did it for you and I did it for Rachel too.” I whimper, trying to explain. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to be a proper father if I was still around and I couldn’t do that to you or the baby.”
“Don’t you dare try and justify your selfishness by saying that you did it for me.” He growls, deepening his voice. “You did it for yourself! You left because you wanted to try and make yourself feel better about what you had done.”
“And so what if I did?!” I cry despairingly, shoving him in the chest as I try to put some distance between us. “So what if I did try and do the right thing by leaving, are you really going to punish me for that?”
“You don’t get it, do you? I loved you, Samantha. I really fucking loved you. I would have done anything for you, I would have sacrificed anything to keep us together.” He admits, lowering his gaze as he rakes his fingers through his hair in desperation.
“Even your baby?” I ask him, already knowing what his answer will be.
“Of course not.”
“And that’s why I left. You need to be a father, Zack. I wasn’t going to stay and get in the way of that.”
“Yeah, well… things have a way of working out differently to how you planned.”
He turns his back on me and walks over to the window, staring out at the dark night on the other side of it.
“I know they do.” I reply softly. “Do you really think I imagined myself ending up here? I have Audrey who I see now and again but besides that, I have no one.”
“You will not make me feel sorry for you. Not after you wrote me off like you did and refused to even give me a chance to work everything out for us.”
“There was no future for us, Zack. Don’t you see that? Sure, we could have gone away for a few days for some rest and recuperation but we would have still been forced to come back and face the music. I couldn’t face the shame or the wrath of the rest of my family and I also knew I couldn’t deal with my own sister carrying your baby. I just couldn’t do it and as much as you think this makes me a coward for leaving you… I know my decision was a brave one. You don’t think it’s been a Goddamn marathon for me every single day that I’ve had to carry on existing with you?! Knowing that you’re now with her when it should have been me. You don’t think I wake up every single night with you inside my head? You think my soul is content now that we’re apart? It’s not. I am in a constant state of torment every second of every hour because of you! Because I can’t have you and you yet again belong to someone else.”
“Who do I belong to?” He demands, whirling around to face me as he strides across the room, pushing me back into the corner of the room.
“Your baby! You’re its father and I know you will spend the rest of your life being there for it. How can our love even begin to compete with what you two will share? It won’t and I know this because I remember how I felt about my baby. I remember how quickly I fell in love with this beautiful little life inside of me and how nothing on this earth will ever mean as much to me as that baby did.”
My fists are clenched as they pelt against him, no doubt causing him some pain or at least a fraction of discomfort. Months of deep-rooted and suppressed emotion is released, pouring down upon us until I honestly believe I could drown in my own sadness.
“Samantha, calm down. You’re going to hurt yourself!” He yells, turning me around in his arms so he can restrain me.
“Let me go! Let me go! I want you out of here right now!” I scream, twisting and turning against his hold.
“Not until you calm down.” He informs me, making sure I know he is deadly serious.
I know he won’t let me go, not until I prove to him that I’m going to remain calm and still.
“Fine. Let go of me and I’ll stop screaming.” I promise him, believing it to be the only way out of the constraint he has over me.
“You never used to have such a problem with me touching you.”
He releases his grasp, making sure I understand the meaning behind his innuendo.
“That was a long time ago.”
“Really? Because I remember it like it were yesterday.”
He reaches out, curling his strong fingers around my wrist before tugging me towards him.
“W-what are you doing?” I stammer, unable to control my body’s instinctive reaction to him.
“I’m going to refresh your memory.” He groans, tightening the hold he now has on my waist as he presses his body against my own.
His grip is possessive. It’s commanding and controlling, insistent that I pay attention to him and the fact that he is in charge.
“Zack, please don’t do this. I can’t go there again. I can’t spend the night with you and then watch you walk out of here tomorrow.”
“Who says I’m going to walk out? Why the hell would I leave when I’ve just spent the past five months trying to find you?”
He lowers his mouth towards my neck, gently caressing the skin just above my throat. His touch is electrifying, jumpstarting me into submission. My breathing turns erratic and my body begins to tremble, awaiting his next move.
His tongue glides across my skin, savouring the taste of it. His fingers tangle in my hair, forcing my head back until my neck is completely exposed to him.
“You have no idea how many nights I’ve thought of this, the sleepless nights I’ve pictured us together and imagined you beside me.” He groans, worshipping every part of me with his hands and mouth.
“Me too.” I moan helplessly, surrendering myself to the exquisite sensations that come with being reunited with him.
Every thought I have leaves my head, disappearing into the atmosphere until I’m left with nothing else but him. He consumes my entire being and fills the dark, empty, gaping hole inside of me. The same one which has been causing me so much torment since I left.
“How could you leave me? Why did you do it? You can explain it to me a thousand times over and I still won’t get it.” He whispers darkly, tearing at my clothes in his haste to remove them from me.
“Don’t speak.” I beg him, placing my fingers over his mouth. “Don’t ruin this.”
I know that talking has always brought us so much trouble and this time decide to do the unthinkable and not think. I won’t allow my thoughts to get in the way of this. Not again.
He’s inside me within seconds, satisfying my body and my soul at the exact same time. He had me wrap my legs around him so he could take me against the door he just entered, thrusting himself inside of me until our lovemaking becomes violent and frantic.
Our tongues tangle together as we transfer our oxygen, our mouths wide open as pant against one another. I claw at his back with the intention of marking him, needing to know that a part of me will remain. Just like a part of him will remain inside me when he releases himself inside my body.
“I can’t wait, Sam. I need… I need to come.”
“So come. Give me everything, I need you inside me, Zack. I want to keep every single drop of you.”
“Fuck, baby. You have no idea what hearing those words does to me.” He groans loudly, supporting me with one arm as the fingers of his right hand press against my clitoris. “I need you to come for me, Sam. Don’t deny me this, I need to feel the war juices of your pussy all over me.”
I do as he asks and explode around him, crying out his name as I beg for more. I grind my hips against him as I feel his release shooting all the way inside me, clenching my legs around his waist so I can milk him of every single drop.
We cling to each other, unable to let go even when we’re both exhausted from the physical position we’re still in. I’m the one who eventually breaks away from him, coaxing him into putting me down so I can get dressed.
“We shouldn’t have done that.” I murmur, fatigue and exhaustion forcing me to collapse onto the sofa behind me.
“Don’t you dare.” He warns me. “Don’t you dare tell me that was a mistake and that you didn’t enjoy it.”
“I’m not saying that. I’m just saying that there are going to be consequences to what we just did.”
“So what?” He snarls contemptuously. “There’s always going to be consequences to every single action that we make, does that mean that it’s wrong? Does it mean we shouldn’t do it?”
“I don’t know!” I wail desolately, tugging on my hair in torment. “All I know is you’re going to have to leave here tomorrow, you’re going to go back to London and we’re going to be back at square one again. You can’t live two lives, Zack. You can’t expect to be with me and still get to play at being happy families with her.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” He raises his voice in agitation, clearly bewildered by what I know about his rekindled relationship with my sister.
“Rachel of course!” I sob, infuriated by his lack of honesty with me.
He stares at me, appearing perplexed and confounded by my sudden outburst.
“Sam, I haven’t seen Rachel in four months. Not since June.” He speaks evenly, making sure to look me straight in the eye.
“What?”
“Tell me what you think has happened since you left.” He instructs me, taking a seat next to me on the couch.
“Well, you and Rachel got back together… you both moved to London and decided to raise the baby together as a couple.” I answer, noticing the amount of space Zack has deliberately left between us on the sofa.
“Jesus, Sam.” He sighs wearily, closing his eyes in utter disbelief.
“That’s not true?” I ask incredulously, struggling to keep the tremor out of my voice.
“Of course it isn’t. Who told you that?”
“Jason. He said that you and Rachel had decided to give things another go.”
“That son of a bitch. He told me he had no idea where you were when I asked him and then he has the fucking nerve to lie to you about me. Just wait until I get my hands on him…” He snarls menacingly. “You really think I would go back to your sister when I’m still madly in love with you. You really think that she would even want to get back with me when she knows how I feel about you and after everything that happened? I’ve spent the past five months searching for you and she knows that.”
“So… you’re really not together?” I murmur, sounding sceptical.
“No.” He states firmly, leaning forward so his elbows rest against his knees.
It’s as though there’s something else, something else he’s not saying and I refuse to contend with any more secrets between us.
“I don’t understand.”
“Yes, it’s true that Rachel moved back to London. I think she’s been there since she left your mum’s place in June.”
“So… will she move back up here when the baby is born or do you plan to move down there?” I inquire, struggling to understand their current situation.
“There is no baby, Sam. Not anymore.”
I stare at him in shock, covering my mouth with my hands when I realise what they must have been through.
“Oh, God. You mean… she had a miscarriage?”
“No.” He hesitates, as though he’s contemplating telling me the next part. “She had an abortion, Sam.”
My stomach churns. I think I’m going to throw up but somehow manage to keep hold of my emotional reflexes. His desolation is enough to convince me that he’s telling me the truth. Zack would never, ever lie about something like this.
“B-but why? She was so happy when she first told me she was pregnant.”
“Things changed. She finally came to realise that there was no hope for me and her. She eventually understood that there would be no reconciliation between us. She figured out that my only interest in her was because of the baby and my only intention was to be its father. I guess that’s what ultimately made her decide to do what she did.”
He hangs his head, focusing his intense gaze on the floor beneath his feet. He can’t even look at me and I know it’s because he’s trying to fight the whirlwind of emotions swirling around inside of him. I recognise the darkness he is carrying, I remember it all too well and I would give anything to take just an ounce of his misery away from him.
“Zack, I’m so sorry. I truly am… for both of you. She must have been in agony when she made that decision.”
“I don’t think she was. She was very matter of fact about it and only told me after it had been done… when it was too late.”
“I don’t even know what to say to you.”
He turns to face me, fastening those spectacular brown eyes of his on my green ones.
“Listen, I’ve made a lot of mistakes and so have you. We’ve both screwed up and we’ve both hurt one another. Neither one of us have come out of this unscathed but I do have a suggestion.”
“Ok… what is it?” I ask with hesitation.
“That we go back to the start. That we do it right this time. We’re going to start at the beginning and not dive right in like we have done countless times before now. We’re going to start over and see where it takes us.”
“And how do we do that?”
“I’m going to pick you up tomorrow night and we’re going to go out on our first date.” He says firmly, resolute and decisive.
“Our first date?” I splutter, unable to process the hilarity of such a statement.
“Why not? Let’s go back to the beginning, Sam. Let us at least attempt to get it right. I’m honestly willing to try. I’ll do anything it takes to keep you in my life. For six months now I have loved you. I’ve been in love with you since the first moment I set eyes on you and I’m tired of fighting it. I’m sick of hiding it and I’m more than willing to fight for it. I know what I want. It’s what I’ve always wanted and that’s you.”