Chapter Six
I don’t know what to do with myself when I get back to my apartment. I can’t sit still, I can’t focus on anything and I can’t relax. I place my phone in the centre of the room on the coffee table, trying to resist the increasing urge I have to check it every five seconds. I seriously consider leaving my apartment altogether, that way I won’t even be here if Zack does decide to turn up unannounced when he can’t get in touch with me.
I get my coat and head for the door, pausing when I have it half open. If I run away now it will only mean I’ll have to deal with this later. There’s no way Zack’s going to let me get away with avoiding him. He was pretty confident when I spoke to him about not allowing me to wriggle out of this. He’s determined and I know how impossible it would be for me to avoid him forever.
If I stay and face this head on, we might have a chance of moving past this. He can say whatever he wants to say to me and I’ll let him. After tonight we’ll go our separate ways and I doubt we’ll ever have a private conversation together ever again. I’ll be polite but evasive, I’ll never allow myself to be alone with him, we can be polite but that’s as far as it will go. There’ll be no more fantasising about him and no more jealousy, I’ll be happy for him and Rachel and give their marriage my blessing, I’ll move forward and look back on tonight and laugh. I’ll laugh at how ridiculous I made things and never think about it again. Never.
I tell myself all of this, I repeat it over and over again inside my head but I don’t think I really believe any of it. It feels like I’ve been waiting for hours when it’s really only been thirty minutes or so. I start to think he’s changed his mind, decided not to call and stayed with Rachel. I convince myself of this for a further thirty minutes until I remember him saying it would be at least a couple of hours until he could get away.
Unable to sit still for a moment longer, I make my way into the kitchen and put the kettle on. I’ll try and sit down in front of the TV, hoping to distract myself until he contacts me. I end up choosing to watch one of my favourite movies of all time and curl up on the sofa with my hot drink and ‘The Breakfast Club.’
I’m half an hour into the movie when my phone starts to vibrate on the wooden surface of the table in front of me. My screen lights up, letting me know I’ve received a brand new message. My hands are shaking as I reach for it, closing my eyes before opening them to read the words on my phone’s screen.
Zack: I’ve just got back home with my parents. I’ll be there in five minutes and I’ll let you know when I’m outside.
I don’t know how I should respond so decide to say nothing. He’ll be on his way over by now anyway. I grab my coat, pulling it before I sit back down on the sofa and wait for him. I’m so glad I told him I wanted him to pick me up, there’s no way I could have him come into my apartment, I’d be far too nervous and unsure of myself. My phone starts to vibrate again in my hand.
He’s calling me.
“H-hello?” I stammer nervously.
“Samantha, I’m outside. You still want to come out here or can I come inside?” He asks, his strong, masculine voice sounding even deeper over the phone.
“No! I’ll come out. I’ll be there in a second.” I tell him hastily, fumbling with the keys in my hand.
“Ok.” He replies solemnly before hanging up the phone.
I take a deep breath in and rake my fingers through my unruly hair. This is it. This is really it. I spot his sleek car as soon as I step out of the apartment complex. He’s leaning against his side of the car, stroking his thumb over his bottom lip as though he’s deep in thought. I nervously step closer towards him, wanting to observe him for a few moments longer before he sees me. However, he must notice me in his peripheral vision and he glances up, exhaling loudly when he spots me.
“I thought you might have changed your mind. That’s why I raced over here as fast as I could.”
“Well, here I am.”
I’m so cautious around him, I feel like he’s observing my every move and it really does make me feel self-conscious.
“Get in.”
He spins around and opens his own car door, leaving me to walk around and get in the other side. His actions are a complete contrast to what he did last time when he opened the door for me. I guess he’s just as tense and uneasy as I am. Neither of us want to be here but we both know it’s something we have to talk about before it’s too late. Before we make the mistake of doing something we might regret.
“Where are we going?” I ask, slipping on my seatbelt.
“I don’t know yet. Any preferences?” He glances over at me before he starts the engine, pulling out onto the main road within seconds.
“Not really.”
“Well, I’d really like to go somewhere I can talk to you in private. A bar or restaurant certainly won’t be the best play to do that.” He says calmly.
“We can’t go anywhere in public, someone might see us.”
I can’t believe he even suggested us going out together in public. I can just imagine what people would say if they saw me and Zack together without Rachel.
“Sam, we’re not doing anything wrong. I’m allowed to talk to my fiancé’s sister.”
“Yes but you’re not supposed to look like you’re on a date with her.” I reply coldly.
“Fine. I know a place we could go. Its somewhere we won’t be seen and somewhere we can talk.”
His hands tighten on the wheel, something I’ve noticed he does when he’s annoyed or stressed. We spend the rest of the journey in silence as he takes us further and further out of town. The frosty atmosphere must become too much for him because he reaches across to turn on the radio, filling the car with pointless pop music instead. It’s only Ella Henderson’s ‘Ghost’ that manages to capture my attention. There’s a cool and tranquil lake to my right, making our scenery coincide with the song lyrics. She sings with so much soul, it’s impossible for me not to be moved by her voice and the darkness outside. The full moon shimmers on the water, captivating my attention and preoccupation. I’m so lost within my own thoughts, I don’t notice Zack take a left turn down a small, narrow road. There’s trees and fields on either side of us, alerting me to how far out we’ve drove.
“Ok, this is a little creepy.” I admit, trying to spot a house or a building nearby.
“I’m sorry. It’s the only place I could think of. I used to come here when I was younger, there’s a lake and a bench somewhere further down on the right.” He says, pointing vaguely.
I actually end up spotting the lake before he does, I can see the moonlight shimmering on the black surface.
“Look, the lake is straight ahead.” I say, gesturing towards it.
“Nice spot. Ok, I’ll just pull up right… here.”
He pulls over to the right, switching off the car’s engine before unbuckling his seatbelt. I do the same and anxiously start to wring my hands together, refusing to look at him and reluctant to be the first one to speak.
“Do you want to get out or stay in here?”
“We can get out.” I say, quickly offering to get out of the car. I really need some space between us, the atmosphere is far too intense in such an enclosed space.
He’s quick to follow and walks behind me as I make way over to the wooden bench which overlooks the lake.
“I know this is really, really strange and weird.” He mumbles softly, taking a seat beside me.
“Yeah, it is.” I reply curtly, folding my arms across my chest in a defensive pose.
It’s not cold here, it’s actually quite warm. The view of the lake is magnificent and I wish I actually paid attention on the way here so I could remember the way to come here again.
“There’s no easy way for me to say this and I don’t know where to start…” He sighs, tugging on his brown hair in frustration as he struggles to find the right words.
I don’t mean to ask him but I don’t seem to have any control over the words coming out of my mouth and before I know it, my question has already been blurted out.
“Have you ever been here with Rachel?” I ask, hating myself for letting the words tumble out of my mouth.
“What? Where did that come from?” He inquires, turning to face me.
“Just curious.” I respond sullenly.
“Curious or jealous?” He challenges, half smirking, half taunting me.
“Don’t even try an insinuate anything.” I warn him, sliding away from him across the bench.
“I’m sorry. That was out of order, I apologise.” He murmurs softly, standing up and walking a short distance away from me. He remains silent for a few more moments before answering my question. “The answer’s no. I’ve never been here with Rachel.”
I don’t know why that would make me happy but it does. I breathe a sigh of relief, immediately berating myself for it. It’s not as though it means something, it doesn’t mean he cares about me just because he’s brought me here and not her.
“Zack, you’ve tried to speak to me several times now. It’s apparent you have something important that you want to tell me so I suggest you just go on and say it.”
He sighs, rakes his fingers through his hair and loosens his tie, sliding it from underneath his collar. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, making it obvious how difficult this is for him.
“Give me one night.” He whispers softly, clenching his fists in anticipation of what I’m about to say.
“What?” I ask him incredulously, barely able to keep a hold on my emotions.
“One night. I want you to spend a night with me.” His voice is calm and confident, the exact opposite of how I’m feeling.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard.”
“Are you… are you suggesting…”
“Yes. I want to sleep with you and I’m pretty sure you want the same thing.”
“What on earth makes you think that?” I cry, jumping up onto my feet.
“This! The fact that you’re here with me right now. The fact that you answered my call last weekend and didn’t say anything to anybody.” He strides over towards me, forcing me to take a step back.
“That doesn’t mean I want to have sex with you!” I yell, throwing my hands in the air.
“Maybe it doesn’t but I instinctively know that you do. You’re nervous, uneasy and on edge every time you see me and your whole body begins to tremble whenever I’m within six feet of you. You want me, Samantha. You can deny it all you want but that won’t change anything.” He grabs hold of my shoulders, dragging my body towards his.
“And this is what you brought me here to say?”
I can’t believe he would do this to Rachel, the idea of what he’s suggesting is repulsive to me. I don’t know who the hell he thinks he is or why he believes I’d go along with his sick idea.
“Listen, I have a suggestion. Something that will help the both of us and hopefully rectify the situation we’ve come to find ourselves in.” He says, attempting to reason with me and make me listen.
“I don’t want to hear it!” I shout, struggling to free myself from his grasp before I start to walk in the opposite direction towards the car.
“Samantha, Please. Here me out. I know how wrong this is but I need you to listen. I’m begging you.” He chases after me, grabbing onto my hand and spinning me around to face him.
I notice the desperation in his eyes, how distraught he is and how distressed he must have been to even think about bringing me here. I know I’m acting all self-righteous and superior, I know I’m making out like I’m better than him by pretending to be offended and disgusted. I suppose a part of me is revolted but another part of me is selfishly intrigued. I’ve fantasised about being with Zack every single moment since I met him. I’ve dreamt about him, imagined us together and even called out his name whilst pleasuring myself. I’m repulsed by my own actions and despise myself for contemplating the very idea of being with him. What kind of person does that make me?
“Go on.” I murmur, lowering my gaze from his.
I already feel defeated, it’s as though I’ve signed on the dotted line. This hypothetical contract between us is complete. By showing my interest, I’ve sealed my fate.
“One night, Samantha. One night for us to be together. No one has to know, we won’t ever breathe a word of it to anyone and we can both forget about it as soon as the night is over.” He looks at me in expectation, seriously hoping I’m actually going to consider it.
“Are you insane? You really think we’ll be able to forget something like that? You’re engaged to my sister, a sister I love and care about. A sister I refuse to hurt for the likes of you.” I say firmly, twisting my body away from him.
“But you wouldn’t be hurting her. She’ll never know. Neither one of us will tell her. This is something we can keep between ourselves, we’re the only people in the world who will even know about it.” He explains, demanding that I listen to him and see the rationality behind his plan.
“Exactly! I’m going to know. I’ll have to live with the guilt of what I’ve done every single day and I won’t be able to deal with it!”
“You can call me if you ever feel that way. I won’t turn my back on you. If you ever need someone to talk to about it, you can talk to me.” He soothes, squeezing my arm gently.
“This is crazy, absolutely crazy. I can’t believe we’re actually discussing this, Zack.”
“We have to! I don’t know what else to do, Samantha. I’m going insane having to carry all of this around with me. I can’t concentrate on anything or anyone besides you. Rachel’s starting to figure out that something’s wrong and I don’t know how to explain my absence or lack of interest in anything to do with her or the wedding. I need this, Samantha. I’m actually begging you to help me.”
I stare at him in astonishment. This can’t be happening, this isn’t real. I’ll wake up any second now and realise this has all been part of some messed up, twisted dream.
“You have a fiancé, Zack. If you need sex, go to her! She’s one of the most beautiful women in the world, I don’t even know what you’re doing here or why you decided to approach me with all of this. Its sick and its wrong. You’re sick.” I exclaim loudly, stumbling across the grass as I head towards the lake.
I need to put some space between us. I have to get away from him, even if it’s just for a couple of minutes. Being around him is too much for me to handle, I’ve been overwhelmed by his presence since the first moment I set eyes on him.
“What do I have to say to get you to agree?” He asks, slowly walking up behind me.
I tremble, angry that he proved me right. I do get chills every time he’s within a few feet of me. My attraction to him is indescribable, it’s magnetic and beyond anything I’ve ever known. What he’s suggesting churns me up inside but I can’t help picturing it. This could be my one and only chance. What Zack’s suggesting is terrible but he is right, no one would ever have to know. It’s something we could keep between us and it could be the only thing that would surely end our bizarre fixation with one another.
“It’s not that I…”
“What? It’s not that you don’t want to? Is that what you were going to say?” He prompts me, pressing his strong upper body against my back. “You know how incredible it would be, don’t you? I know you’ve imagined it. What it would feel like to have me inside you and how many times I’d make you come.”
I whirl around and glare at him. I swear I’ve never hated a human being more than I do him right now.
“You’re a piece of shit for doing this to me and for doing this to Rachel. I ought to tell her the truth about everything and let her know what a selfish bastard she’s gone and got herself engaged to!”
“You’re right. I am selfish! I’m scum for even thinking up something like this but that doesn’t change the fact that I need this. I love your sister and I don’t want to hurt her. I’ve never felt the need to cheat before now and I’ve not even glanced at another woman since we got together but this… it’s different. It’s ruining me, Sam. It’s destroying me and I’m scared that I’ll lose everything in my life if I don’t find a way out of this!” He yells in frustration, turning red in the face with exertion.
“And you think one night with me will solve everything?” I reply dryly.
“Yes! No! I don’t know! I don’t know anything apart from the absolute need I have to find out. I’ve talked myself out of this a thousand times, I even managed to convince myself that I was being ridiculous about the whole thing. I thought the idea of you would fade but it hasn’t. My craving for you is getting worse and worse, what the fuck am I supposed to do about it?! My idea is fucked up but it’s all I could come up with!”
“Zack, you’re not thinking clearly. I’m not denying anything, I’ve been struggling with my own feelings but we really can’t do this. I have my own issues I need to deal with and I don’t want to add the betrayal of my own sister to them.”
“What kind of issues?” He asks abruptly.
“Believe me, I’m not going to go into that right now.”
We’re silent for a couple of minutes, neither one of us knows what to say and I can feel a bad headache coming on. My whole body is exhausted, I’m emotionally and physically drained.
“So… you’re not going to change your mind?” Zack asks me, interrupting my thoughts.
He looks defeated, as though I’ve crushed him with my words.
“I can’t afford to and neither can you, Zack. We’d regret it for the rest of our lives, it would stay with us forever and the repercussions could be catastrophic for the both of us.”
“The problem is that I’m willing to take the risk. I have to know. I need to get you out of my system before I fuck my whole life up.”
“Wow, you really know how to flatter a girl.” I say playfully, desperately trying to make light of the horrendous situation we’ve come to find ourselves in.
“I’m sorry.” He chuckles softly, looking up towards the sky. “I’ve made a right mess of this, haven’t I?”
“Yes.” My reply is automatic, I don’t even think about.
“So what do we do now?” He exhales slowly, lowering his head.
He’s tired out and weary, utterly spent from our discussion and I can’t say I blame him.
“We go home. I go back to my apartment and you go back to Rachel, where you belong.” I say simply.
“You know, we haven’t spent a single night together since we got back.” He murmurs quietly.
“Why is that?”
“I wish I knew.” He groans in exasperation, pulling on the tie he’s still holding in his hands.
“It’s not because of me?” I say doubtfully.
“Maybe. I guess that’s what I wanted to find out. I thought if I could be with you just once, it would make all of this go away.”
“It wouldn’t. It would make things worse and you know it.”
“I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know what’s happening to me.”
“You know Rachel, Zack. You love her.”
He looks at me, a small smile playing on his lips.
“That doesn’t change the fact that I want you. I know I shouldn’t, I know it’s wrong but I can’t do anything to change it. You’ve been in my head since the night we met and it’s ruining me.”
I know I was angry, I know my initial reaction to what he was saying was fury but now… all I feel is sadness. Why is this happening to us? What did we do to deserve this impossible situation? I close my eyes, rubbing my painful forehead.
“Let’s go.”
Zack drives me home, this time he doesn’t turn on the radio and the silence is even more stifling than it was during the journey here. A million different thoughts are racing through my head, making me question absolutely everything. God, such a huge part of me is tempted. The intense connection I feel for him is unlike anything I’ve ever known and I instinctively know it goes far beyond a crush. I can feel the magnetic pull between my body and his, the energy in the car is electric, sizzling and scorching with heat.
“We’re here.” Zack whispers, alerting me to our arrival outside my apartment.
“I best go.”
“Listen, I know you’ve already told me your answer but I need to ask you again. Is no your final answer?”
He covers my small hand with his, stroking his thumb against the back of it. Such a small thing sends a tremor through my body. There are swarms of butterflies in my stomach and my heart feels as though it might leap out of my chest any second. All of this because he touched my hand, it makes me wonder what incredible sensations I’d feel if we were to…
“Samantha?” His voice pulls me out of my reverie, forcing me to return his gaze.
“How will I be able to live with myself if I say yes?” I ask him tearfully, removing my hand from his.
“You mean… you’re actually considering it?” He asks incredulously, shifting around in his seat so he can look at me directly.
“I don’t know. I’ve got so much going on inside my head already, if we go through with this it’s only going to make things worse.”
“How could this get any worse? I’m already in absolute torment and so are you. All of our problems can be fixed, Sam. I’m sure we’ll be able to get over this as soon as we’ve spent the night together. We can both get it out of our systems, put it behind us and move on. It will be like it never happened, we won’t ever have to talk about it again if that’s what you decide.” He explains smoothly, gripping the steering wheel with one hand. The other rests on the back of my seat.
“How am I supposed to look Rachel in the eye after I’ve slept with her fiancé?”
“How are you supposed to look her in the eye when you know you want to sleep with her fiancé?” He fires back at me. “It’s easier to regret something you’ve done than something you haven’t. I know how my mind works and I know I won’t get over this until we do something about it. I don’t want to get married whilst all of this is going on inside my head.”
“And… and it would just be the once?” I keep my eyes locked on my clasped hands in my lap, refusing to look at him.
“One time, Samantha. One night. That’s all it will take, I’m sure of it.” He speaks so confidently, it’s as though he doesn’t doubt himself at all or his decision to do this.
“And we’ll never speak about it again? All of it will go away?” I inquire timidly, feeling the penetration of his stare burn a hole right through me.
“Whatever you decide, Sam. I’ll go along with whatever you choose.” He assures me.
“If there really is no other way. If this is the only chance we have of getting past this…” I trail off, unable to continue.
“You’re saying yes?” He says disbelievingly, his voice full of hope and expectation.
“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this.” I shake my head before cradling it in my hands.
“You won’t regret this, I promise you. It’s our only option.”
“I have to go.” I tell him, reaching for the car door.
“Wait! We still have things we need to discuss.”
“Things like where and when?” I reply bluntly.
“If you really want to put it like that then… yeah.” He says hesitantly.
“You have my number. Use it.”
I’m out the car door before he can stop me, racing away from him and into my apartment building. I thought I heard the sound of his footsteps behind me but manage to make it back to my apartment without him catching up. I fall to my knees as soon as I’m inside, crumbling to the floor within seconds. What on earth have I done? What have I agreed to? I’ve got to be the most despicable, hateful person on the planet for agreeing to such a disgusting thing.
I don’t know how long I’m sat there. It could be a few minutes or a couple of hours, I really don’t know. The only thing that to distract me is the sound of my phone, dragging me back to the real world and the present. I glance down at the screen and almost throw up when I see Zack’s name. I consider deleting it straight away, do I even want to read it? What will it say? Has he changed his mind already? Has it all be one huge joke? A test? What could he possibly have to say to me so soon after I ran away from him? My curiosity becomes too much and I reach for my phone before I change my mind. I open the message with shaking hands, terrified of what I’m about to read.
Zack: You said yes, Samantha. There’s no going back on that. You and I are going to happen and it’s going to happen soon. I’ll be in touch with the details. Until then, take care.
Take care? That’s all he has to say me! He’s unbelievable. I’m unbelievable. I don’t know what the hell I think I’m doing, I must be out of my mind. My anxiety is already out of control, what’s going to happen now that I’ve agreed to this? I’ve hated myself for so long, I don’t want to feel that way anymore. This is going to make things a thousand times worse. I’ve made a difficult situation impossible and now I know there’s no way out of this. I’m trapped, lost, confused and afraid.
There’s only one thing I’m certain of and that’s him. We’ll allow ourselves to be together. For one night we’ll allow ourselves to give into temptation and then we’ll never speak of it again.
Never.
At least that’s what I tell myself.