Chapter Eighteen
Samantha
“Y-you’re pregnant?” I stammer, utterly unable to process the words she just said to me.
“I am.” She says, smiling warmly.
She looks so content and graceful. She’s almost glowing with happiness and it’s enough to shatter my already broken heart.
“B-but how?” I falter. “When?”
“How do you think?” She rolls her eyes at me, struggling to conceal her absolute joy and elation. “And it must have happened a couple of weeks ago, on the night I just mentioned.”
“The night he was drunk? Neither of you used anything?”
“No. We’ve never used condoms, I’ve always been on the pill.”
“So how did it happen? How are you even pregnant?” I ask, struggling to understand.
“Well, I might have accidentally forgotten to take a couple of my contraceptives.”
“What?” I gasp in disbelief, fighting the overwhelming misery which is threatening to devour me at any moment.
“Ok, ok. I stopped taking them, alright? I know it’s a terrible thing to do but I was desperate, Sam.”
She jumps up from the sofa, making her way towards the patio doors which open out onto the back garden. The view is serene and tranquil. It’s peaceful and calm, allowing the beholder to become entranced by it in an instant. I watch it happen to Rachel. She’s captivated within seconds, completely absorbed by the spectacular landscape of the countryside where Audrey’s house is situated.
“You deliberately got pregnant?” I prompt her, needing to uncover the truth.
“It’s not like I thought it would happen straight away.” She says softly. “It’s just one of those things.”
“But you had stopped taking the pills, Rachel. Which means you knew you could get pregnant.”
“I thought it wouldn’t happen for a few months. I honestly believed that we would be married by the time I fell pregnant. It’s not my fault it happened the very first time.”
“Rach, do you not understand the severity of what you’ve done? You went ahead and made this decision without consulting Zack first. He’s your fiancé and you chose not to discuss this with him beforehand. What if he doesn’t want to have a baby right now?” I enquire gently, reluctant to upset her or arouse her suspicion.
“Look, I understand that it’s going to come as a bit of a shock to him but I know Zack. He’s always wanted children and although this pregnancy wasn’t exactly planned… I know he’s going to be absolutely thrilled about it.”
She drags her gaze away from the view, resting a delicate hand against her flat stomach.
“My God.” I groan, raking my fingers through my hair, grappling with the knowledge that Zack’s baby now exists inside her.
Their baby.
“I’ve been so worried about you, Sam. I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling right now. I know it must be so hard for you to hear my news and the last thing I want is for this baby to stir up all sorts of bad memories for you… about your own pregnancy.”
“Rachel, I…”
“Please let me finish, Sam. I need to say this.” She joins me back on the sofa, grasping hold of my hands. “I want you to know just how special you are to me and I’m determined that you’re going to play such an important role in this baby’s life. I truly mean it when I say that I want you to be involved in this, I really do. You’re going to be an auntie!” She beams at me, unable to conceal her delight and exhilaration.
“I am thrilled for you, Rachel. Its wonderful news and you’re going to make a fantastic mum. It’s just… I’m a little shocked.”
“So was I?”
“When did you take the test? You have taken one, right?” I ask, hoping that all of this could still be untrue.
“I did one this morning. I bought one of those digital ones where it actually spells it out for you. I didn’t want to leave any room for any doubt.”
“I remember.” I whisper inaudibly, making sure my statement isn’t heard.
I bought the exact same pregnancy test all those years ago, the same day that my entire world came crumbling around me.
“I can’t believe I’ve actually told you. That wasn’t even part of my plan when I decided to come here.” She admits happily, evidently relieved that she’s been able to share her news with someone.
“What’s going to happen about the wedding?” I blurt out, unable to control my internal ponderings from being spoken.
“What do you mean?”
“Will it still going to go ahead?”
“Of course will, why wouldn’t it?”
“Because you’re going to be well and truly pregnant by August.”
“I’ll only be around three to four months gone so I’m not going to be that huge. I’m sure a designer will cater for my adorable baby bump.” She gushes, clapping her hands with excitement.
“You need to tell Zack.” I remind her, slowly dragging my wretched body off the sofa.
I’m anxious to put some space between us, afraid that she’s going to see through my façade if I remain in close proximity to her. I hope the distance will be sufficient when it comes to hiding the fact that her joyful news has just destroyed me.
“I know and I will tell him. I just wanted to come by here first and talk to you. I needed to make sure that you’re ok and I really wanted to tell you about the baby myself.”
“I see.”
“You know what mum is like, she’s probably going to insist on throwing me a baby shower the second she finds out.”
The mention of my mother’s name makes my skin crawl, reminding me of the last conversation I had with her before I left. I glance at my beautiful sister, incapable of comprehending how such a beauty like her came from the animal who abused me. I’m still striving to understand how my mother kept her secret about Rachel for all those years and know how much it would hurt my sister if she were to find out about Harry being her real father.
“When are you going to tell her?” I ask, absolutely certain that my mum will set out to destroy my relationship with Zack once she learns that Rachel is pregnant.
“I don’t know yet. The next person I need to speak to is Zack.”
“You’re right.” I say, smiling weakly. “Go and find him, Rachel. He deserves to know.”
She nods her head and picks up her bag, heading towards the front door.
“I’m really sorry about what mum said a couple of weeks ago about Uncle Harry coming over for the wedding. She mentioned it to me beforehand but I never agreed to it. I know you don’t like him and although I don’t fully understand why that is, I respect the choice you have made to avoid him. He won’t be giving me away, I promise you.” She assures me, begging me with her eyes to believe her.
“Thank you.”
“Ok, I have to go. Please don’t stay away for too long. I miss you.”
She’s just about to get into her car when I call out after her, using a nickname I liked to call her when we were small.
“I miss you too, beautiful.”
She grins at me, radiating joy and exuberance like never before.
“Goodbye, pretty girl.”
Her own pet name for me is like a dagger to the heart. For the very first time I truly feel the agonising pain of the betrayal I have committed. I’m no better than Harry. He hurts people and that’s exactly what I have done, I’ve ruined my sister’s life and she doesn’t even know it yet.
Audrey arrives home a couple of hours later, shocked and saddened to find me in a crumpled heap on the living room floor. I haven’t been able to move since Rachel left, incapable of putting one foot in front of the other let alone anything else.
“Sweetheart, what on earth’s the matter? What’s happened?” She asks, kneeling down beside me.
“Rachel came by here.” I whisper, almost incoherent.
My throat is so dry and scratchy, the amount of crying and misery I’ve put my body through must be finally taking its toll.
“Oh, dear. Don’t tell me she knows about you and Zack?”
“No, she doesn’t.”
“So what on earth is it?” She inquires, gently wiping away the remainder of my tears.
“She’s pregnant.” I sob, breaking down all over again. “She’s going to have Zack’s baby and I’ve still lost mine.”
Years of grief and regret come pouring out of me, causing my entire body to tremble uncontrollable. Sadness is a disease of the mind, it eats away at you until there’s not a scrap of hope or happiness left. I’ve finally come to realise just how long I’ve been carrying the weight of sadness around inside of me. Exhausted and close to defeat, I guess I finally find the right time for me to let it all out.
I tell Audrey about the baby I lost that day, I confide in her about the overwhelming fear that took hold of me the second I found out that I was pregnant. I somehow find the strength to let go of all the pain I’ve been going through, releasing myself from the restraints of y past.
“Shh, baby. Its ok, it’s going to be alright. I’m here.” Audrey soothes me, enveloping my fragile body in her arms as she rocks me back and forth.
Comforting me the way my own mother should.
I finally agree to eat a little something and bathe, surprised by how much better those two things make me feel.
“We need to get you out of this house, honey.” She says to me, joining me on the couch.
“I really don’t feel like going anywhere right now.” I mumble, tempted to fall back into the self-pitying state she found me in earlier.
“I know you don’t but it will make you feel better. Even if it’s just for a couple of hours or so. We can go out, get some food like we arranged and then come back here and sort this whole mess out.” She replies, using an authoritative tone.
“You really think that any of this is solvable?” I say incredulously.
“Of course it is. Never lose hope, Sam. Ever.”
Realising just how much Audrey has done for me over the past couple of weeks, I decide to do as she asks and reluctantly get changed so we can go out for a meal as planned. I don’t know how much I’m going to be able to stomach but the important thing is I will try for my friend.
We leave the house a little while later, driving into town with the hope that it won’t be too busy. It is Saturday night and it’s after eight o’clock, the prime time for people to go and eat. Audrey suggests one of the quieter places, pointing out long line of people waiting to be seated at the restaurant next door. We walk past a couple of bars and I can’t help but notice how lively everyone seems to be tonight. They’re all laughing and joking without a care in the world, whereas I’m drowning in my own sorrow and heartache.
We get a table right away in the smaller restaurant and are seated at the table in the far corner. My appetite is slowly returning as I get to view the delicious food which is being brought out to the other diners. I suddenly realise how right it was of Audrey to insist that we still come out tonight.
I watch Audrey’s face change to that of confusion as her focus is drawn towards something behind me. I’m about to ask her what’s wrong when I feel a tap on my shoulder. I turn around, half expecting to see an enthusiastic waiter ready to take me order. Who I see is instead is enough to take my breath away.
Zack.
“Zack?” I whisper his name faintly, incapable of comprehending the vision of him before me. “What are you doing here?”
He fails to respond, staring at me in utter disbelief and astonishment. I gradually take in his harrowing appearance, noticing the dark circles underneath his eyes and the fraught expression he is wearing. He looks haunted, his appearance shows just how tormented, worn and weary he is and I have to fight against every single instinct which is screaming out to comfort him.
“Never mind me, what are you doing here? Where the hell have you been?”
He drops down beside me, crouching down so he’s on the same level as me, he gazes into my eyes and I can smell the whiskey on his breath. His eyes are all bloodshot and glazed over, confirming the fact that he has probably had too much to drink.
“I’ve been staying with Audrey, she’s my boss and my dearest friend.”
I look across the table to find her gaping over at Zack. He’s still breathtakingly handsome, even if he is visibly troubled and exhausted. His attention is entirely focused on me as his arm rests against the back of my chair, oblivious to her perusal of him.
“Samantha, do you realise I’ve been existing in my own personal type of hell these past couple of weeks? How could you just disappear on me like that? Did you realise that you were ripping out my soul when you left me?”
“Zack, this isn’t the right place to do this.” I remind him, glancing around the busy tables which surround us.
“Then let’s get out of here. You’re coming back with me.”
He stands up and offers me his hand, resolute and firm when it comes to his decision.
“Erm…” I flounder helplessly, battling between the yearning that I have to leave with Zack the commitment I made to spend the evening with my friend.
My gaze wanders across the table and lands on Audrey. Would she hate me if I choose to leave with him? She’s been such an incredible friend to me over the past few weeks, how on earth can I just walk out on here like this?
“I’m not letting you walk away from me again, not without giving me some sort of explanation, Sam. You’re coming back with me right now. Don’t even bother trying to fight me on this.”
He transfixes me with his intense gaze and it’s enough to convince me that he means business. There is not a single chance that he will leave here without me.
“Samantha, it’s ok. Go with him.” Audrey insists, reaching out to squeeze my hand.
“But I can’t just leave you here.”
“I’ll be fine.” She assures me. “I’ll phone a friend to come and meet me here instead.”
“Are you sure?”
I stand up but still feel unsure and guilty about walking out on her.
“Yes.” She insists. “Now go.”
I take Zack’s hand before reaching for my purse. We’re just about to leave when Audrey stops me, calling out my name.
“What’s wrong? Do you want me to stay?”
“No, I want you to take my house keys with you. Feel free to go back there and sort things out properly.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course.” She encourages me. “And don’t worry, I’ll be home later on but I’m going to stay out for a little while and give you guys some space.”
“Thank you so much, Audrey.”
“Yeah, thanks a lot. That’s really kind of you.” Zack adds, smiling briefly.
He places his hand on my lower back, guiding me out of the restaurant. He only lets go when we’re out on the street and he takes hold of my hand instead.
“I came out with Aaron but we didn’t bring the car. We’ll going to have to grab a cab back to your friend’s house instead.”
“Wait, you’re with Aaron? Where is he?”
“Probably still in the bar where I left him. I thought I saw you walking past and ran straight out of there. I best call him and let him know I won’t be coming back.”
“Will he be ok with that?”
“He’ll have to be.” Zack retorts dismissively. “There’s things you and I need to discuss.”
Zack makes a quick phone call to Aaron and explains that he’s now coming back with me so we can talk. I can tell by his tone of voice that he’s opened up to his brother about what’s been going on between us, just like I have with Audrey.
Ending his phone conversation, Zack lets go of my hand to flag down a nearby taxi. He opens the door for me to get in first and then slips in beside me. I provide the driver with Audrey’s address and we spend the rest of the journey in silence.
The inquest starts the second we walk through the front door and the tension in the air is palpable. The weight of it is heavy, causing me to feel trapped and claustrophobic as he bombards me with questions. He’s relentless in his quest to uncover the truth and I know how close I am to surrendering it all to him.
“By the way… I like the new hair.”
His gaze glides across my body, landing on my new hairstyle as I run my fingers through it. I suddenly feel self-conscious, as though I’m under scrutiny and turn away from him, surprised that he even recognised me with the new hairstyle.
“Thanks, I fancied a change.”
“It’s cute. Makes you look more sophisticated.” He assures me.
There’s a moment of silence between us whilst I consider what I’m going to say next. I wonder if I should offer him a drink or something but randomly find myself unable to speak.
“So this is where you’ve been staying?” He asks, abruptly breaking the silence. “Ten fucking minutes down the road from my parent’s house?” He sounds bitter, glaring out the patio doors like Rachel did just hours before.
The spotlights have come on outside, lighting up the large expanse of Audrey’s garden. It reminds me of the hotel’s surroundings we stayed at three weeks ago. The night that changed everything.
“Yes, this is where I’ve been.” I answer truthfully, taking a seat.
There’s an even greater silence that follows, overwhelming and all-consuming. It’s unbearably awkward and I’m just about to say something when he decides to beat me to it.
“I need to know why you left.” He states coolly, turning around to face me with a sombre expression on his face.
“I… I had to get away.”
“From me?”
“From everyone and everything.” I reply, shaking my head in despair.
“Sam, you had only just got back from the last time you fucked off and left me. Did I really deserve to be put through that again?”
“No, you didn’t.” I whisper, lowering my gaze. “You don’t deserve any of this.”
“Just tell me why.” He begs, moving closer towards me.
“I can’t.”
“You owe me that at least!” He exclaims angrily. “Just look at me, do I look like I’ve slept? Do I look like I’ve had a single moment of peace since you left me?”
“No.” I respond sincerely, allowing myself to take in his harrowing appearance.
He’s worn and weary, forlorn and fatigued. His eyes are tearful and full of sorrow, revealing the pain and excruciating anguish he must have been through these last couple of weeks.
“So tell me why.” He pleads, falling to his knees before me.
I hesitate for a moment, recalling the irrevocable fight I had with my mum before I left. It still hurts to know that my own mother resents the fact that I was born. For years I truly thought it was all down to me, I thought I was the one to blame. I believed her hatred for me was because of something I did and punished myself for years of neglect and rejection. At least now I know the truth. None of it is my fault, she’s the one to blame and as I’m concerned… I’m the one who deserves better.
“My mum knows.” I reluctantly admit. “She knows about us.”
“That’s impossible. How can she?” He demands.
“She guessed. She told me she had noticed everything between us, the secretive glances we made across the table, the atmosphere between us and the way we’ve been acting around one another. She told me to end it. She gave me no choice.”
“And that’s why you left?” He asks softly, tilting my chin up to face him.
“No, I… I found out something else. Something about Rachel.”
“What did you find out?”
I honestly didn’t plan on telling him any of this. After all, it’s not my secret to tell but how else can I explain to him the real reason why I chose to leave?
“My mum told me something, something about Rachel and her real father.”
“Her real father?” Zack prompts me, tucking a stray strand of my brown hair behind my ear.
“Zack, Rachel is Harry’s daughter.”
“Harry as in…?”
“My uncle, yes.”
“That animal is Rachel’s father?”
“He’s her biological parent but my own dad was the one who raised her. He knew she was his brother’s baby but wanted to help my mum take care of her. He was such a good man.”
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry.” He apologises sweetly, his voice so calm and soothing.
“You would have liked him.” I say warmly, smiling weakly.
“I’m sure I would have done.” He assures me, returning my smile. “Does Rachel know?”
“No, she doesn’t. My mum told me she never even told Harry the truth, let alone anyone else. She’s completely in love with him, Zack. He was her first love.”
“Despite what he did to you?” He growls with fury, jumping up in anger.
“She doesn’t believe me. She can’t allow herself to think that the man she loves is capable of that.” I explain to him, realising for the first time just how much pain my revelation must have caused her as well.
“I swear to God if she wasn’t a woman…” He says threateningly.
“Zack, please. You need to listen to me because there’s more. There’s something else I need to tell you.”
“What is it?” He asks, taking a seat beside me on the sofa.
“I have to end this now. We have to end this.” I say gently.
“What? No, you don’t mean that. You can’t mean it.” He shakes his head, fiercely unwilling when it comes to accepting the truth.
“I do.” I murmur, hardly able to believe the words that are being spoken from my mouth.
“No, I don’t believe you. You don’t know what you’re saying.”
“You belong with Rachel, Zack. You’re engaged to her and you’re getting married.”
“I won’t marry her!” He yells, striding across the room in a rage. “I can’t be with her, not when I’m so in love with you.”
He rakes his fingers through his hair, tugging on it in despair.
“You need to stay with her.” I insist, battling against the searing pain my own words cause me to feel.
“How can you expect me to do that when I physically ache for someone else? I’m already starting to resent her, Sam. I don’t mean to but I can’t help it, everything she does is starting to annoy me and all I can think of is the fact that she’s the only one who is keeping us apart.”
“You can’t blame her, Zack. She’s not responsible for any of this and you need to be there for her right now and support her.”
“What do you mean?” He narrows his eyes at me in suspicion.
He knows that something is wrong, he can read me too well and can see beneath the concern I have for Rachel.
“Please just go and see her. She needs you.”
“You’re hiding something. You’re keeping something from me, I know you are.”
His expression turns dark as he closes in on me, resolute in his decision to find out what I know.
I leap up off the sofa, anxious to put some much needed space between us. I can’t concentrate, I can’t even focus when he’s so close to me.
“Please don’t ask me, just go and see her.”
“What are you hiding from me? What has she told you?” He carries on, undeterred and relentless, following me across the room.
“Rachel told me something when she came here this afternoon.” I unexpectedly announce, whirling around to face him.
“You mean she knew you were here this entire time?”
“No, she only just figured it out today and wanted to come and see that I was ok.” I tell him, mentally preparing myself for what I’m about to reveal.
“And…?”
“She’s pregnant, Zack.”
His face turns pale, instantly draining his dark complexion of all its colour. He stares at me in absolute shock and disbelief, struggling to process the life-changing information I just gave him.
“S-she’s what?” He stammers helplessly, taking a step back.
“She’s having your baby.” I repeat gently. “She only just found out today.”
“B-but… how can she be? We haven’t even slept together.” He shakes his head, vehemently denying the truth.
“We both know that you did.” I remind him. “The night you got drunk two weeks ago.”
He drags his fingers through his hair, groaning loudly in frustration. His entire demeanour changes as I watch him absorb his startling news.
“She’s supposed to be on the fucking pill! How the hell did this happen?”
I consider telling him the truth but quickly realise how it will only make things worse. I can’t betray my sister and her trust any more than I already have done.
“I think she forgot to take some.” I lie. “It’s an easy mistake to make, Zack.”
“I don’t believe this, I can’t believe that this is really happening.” He murmurs to himself, repeating the same statement over and over again. “It was one time, one fucking time!” He yells, slamming his fist down onto the dining room table beside us.
The vase of flowers resting on it shatters, spilling a residue of water across its surface.
“Zack!” I chastise him angrily, spinning around to clean up the mess.
He grabs hold of my wrist, preventing me from taking a step further.
“You’re lying.” He snarls contemptuously, glowering at me with eyes which are full of rage.
“What?” I gasp incredulously.
“You’re only saying this because you want to end things between us and you need a reason that’s strong enough to push me away.”
He sounds so certain, angering me to know that he believes I am capable of such a thing.
“Do you really think that I would lie to you about something like this? Do you really think I would do that?”
“It can’t be true, it just can’t be.” He repeats, shaking his head.
“It is true, Zack.”
“And she’s only just found out?” He inquires, persistent in his reluctance to believe what I’m saying.
“Yes.”
“And how does she feel about it?” He asks, gazing at me steadily.
“She’s absolutely thrilled. She thinks it will bring the two of you closer together.”
“Then she’s incredibly deluded.” He retorts dismissively.
“Don’t say that!” I reprimand him. “She’s still my sister and she’s carrying your child. You need to respect that and go and be with her.”
“And what about you?” He says softly, stroking my face.
“I’m going to step aside. I’m going to try and right all of the wrongs I’ve already done and let you go.”
“Baby, you don’t mean that. You don’t mean any of this, you’re just in shock. You’re angry and confused, you’re just upset and feeling vulnerable about the baby.”
He tries to comfort me, circling my face with his hands as he kisses my forehead. He strokes the inside of my wrist with his thumb, causing me to tremble.
“You’re right.” I agree, moistening my lips.
The yearning that I have for him to kiss me is indescribable. I know how wrong it is of me to even think of such a thing at a time like this but the magnetic pull I feel towards Zack is stronger than ever. My body is yearning for him and so is my heart, I need him like I need oxygen and that’s honestly how it feels to be near him.
“There’s no need for you to feel that way. I’m right here and that’s exactly where I’m going to stay. With you.”
“No, I tell him. You’re not.” I state decidedly, trying to remove my wrist from his relentless grasp.
“Don’t tell me what I can and can’t do! You belong with me and I will not let you push me away, Samantha. I cannot go through the pain of that again, do you understand?” He glares at me in anger, piercing my soul with the steely determination in his eyes.
“And what about your child?” I challenge him, meeting his steady gaze with my own.
“Of course I’m going to be there for the baby. I’ll support Rachel as the baby’s father but that’s it. I don’t love her and I can’t be with her. I’m in love with you.” He whispers huskily, lowering his mouth towards my neck.
His warm breath on my skin sends shivers down my spine, loosening my resistance and coaxing me into a sexual submission I cannot deny.
“Do you know what this could do to her if she finds out about us? The stress of it could make her lose the baby and I for one will not put her through that. The loss of a child destroys you, a part of you dies with it.” I speak with certainty, gently pressing the palms of my hands against his chest.
“I won’t do that to her but I can’t lose you either. I would die without you, Sam. You have no idea how much I need you. These past few weeks have been a living hell for me. Every single moment of every single day I have ached for you. Don’t make me choose… don’t make me choose between you and my baby because I honestly don’t think I could survive without you.” He groans loudly, tracing his tongue along the length of my throat, delighting in the taste of my skin.
“Zack…” I moan in ecstasy, trying to fight him. “This is our wakeup call and it’s telling us that we can’t carry on like this. We’re destroying people’s lives and it’s not right. My mum already knows about us and once she finds out Rachel is pregnant, there will be no stopping her. She will never allow us to be together.”
“Fuck!” He proclaims strongly. “Why is this happening? Why is any of this happening? Why couldn’t I have met you first?”
“You loved her, you’re the one who proposed to her.” I reply enviously.
“Did I? I honestly don’t think I did, not when I compare it to how I feel when I’m with you.”
He devours me once more, his mouth caressing the sensitive skin on my collarbone whilst his arms encircle my waist as he pulls me close.
“Zack, this isn’t the right time.” I protest weakly, trying to fight the insurmountable pleasure that’s building up inside of me.
“It is… it’s the perfect time, baby. Let me make this right, let me make you feel good. You know how incredible we are together, don’t you? I need to be inside you again… please.” He implores me, purposefully using every seductive tool that he has to break me.
“But Rachel needs you.” I whimper in frustration, unable to ignore my body’s desire for him.
It physically hurts me to be apart from him and now that he’s here and standing right in front of me, the unyielding connection that exists between us is even stronger.
“Baby, I need you and you need me. I can almost smell how aroused you are, your scent is exquisite and I need to taste you again. Let me do this, sweetheart. Please.”
I nod my head, no longer capable when it comes to uttering a single word. Zack growls possessively as soon as he realises I have completely surrendered myself to him, picking me up so he can carry me up the stairs.
I direct him into the bedroom I’ve been staying in and ask Zack to close the door behind him. I know Audrey said she wouldn’t be home until later but I would be absolutely mortified if she were to come home early and catch us in the act.
“You have no idea how many nights I’ve fantasised about being with you like this since you’ve been gone.” He whispers, gazing at me in complete and utter reverence.
It’s as though he can’t quite believe that this is happening, that I’m right here in front of him and allowing him to love me.
“I’ve pictured it too.” I confess. “I’ve imagined the two of us together like this, I’ve even dreamt about it.”
“Fuck, that’s hot.” He moans, eagerly removing every piece of my clothing.
He discards his own, throwing them onto the floor beside mine, trailing his fingertips along the inside of my legs, all the way up until he reaches my thighs. He separates them, groaning when he notices just how aroused my body is for him.
“You are so beautiful.” He murmurs softly, almost to himself.
“Zack, this is wrong. We shouldn’t be doing this.” I wail, squirming in discomfort.
My whole body feels like it’s on fire, scorching and smouldering with desire for the breath-taking man before me. I need him more than I ever have done, I need to feel him inside me and know that this is where I belong… with him.
“No, this isn’t wrong.” He soothes me, brushing my hair back off my face. “This is perfect. We are perfect. There’s no place else I would rather be and I promise you now, I will never let you walk away from me again.”
His words are my undoing as the passion between us and the physical adoration I want to show him wins out. Our tongues intertwine as he slips his inside my willing mouth. His fingers tangle in my hair as my legs fall apart for him, mewling with pleasure as I feel the hardness of him press against my entrance. I’m so ready for him and so desperate to feel him, I would sacrifice anything for us to be connected one more. He makes me feel alive, he destroys the barrier I have built to protect myself and demolished it right before my very eyes. He brought me back to life and right now I need to experience that again.
Our fingers interlace as he pushes himself inside me, both of us are breathless and struggling to control our natural urges, eager to prolong this moment as long as possible. I squeeze him tight, clenching my inner walls around him, wanting him to understand just how much I love having him inside my body.
“Baby, if you keep on doing that this really isn’t going to last very long.” He chuckles softly, resting his hands on my inner thighs as he pushes them up, pressing my knees against my chest, leaving me completely open and exposed for him.
“I want you to come inside me.” I purr seductively, trying to entice him.
“You do?” He teases me right back, almost pulling out of me. “You want me to fill that sweet little pussy, baby?”
“Yes, yes, yes!” I cry loudly, shameless grinding my hips against him.
“I want to try something.” He pants heavily. “Do you trust me?”
“Of course.” I answer truthfully, delighting in the rush of excitement coursing through me.
Zack gently slides his hard length out of my body, effortlessly flipping me over until I’m on my hands and knees. I’m facing away from him and relish in the fact that I’m completely uncovered and on show for him.
“You know what I’m going to do?” He asks, using his thumb to press against my clitoris.
“No.” I reply truthfully.
“I’m going to take you from behind and watch that magnificent ass of yours push back against me as I bury myself deep inside your pussy.”
His voice is so deep and masculine, it commands my submission and I know I will follow by doing exactly what he asks of me. I’ve never made love in this position before and I have to admit, I am scared. The fact that I won’t be able to see his face is what concerns me, afraid that I’ll remember something bad. Something from the past that will ruin the transcendence of this moment between us.
My fingers grab the quilt beneath me, curling around the soft material as he drives all the way inside of me. I arch my back and move against him, just like he said I would. Relishing in the deliciously exquisite sensations this newfound position provides me.
“I-I feel so… full.” I whimper, trembling uncontrollably.
“You have no idea how incredible you look right now. So beautiful and unbelievably sexy.” He growls, sinking his fingers into my hips as he starts to increase the speed of his thrusts.
I love how he’s taking control of me, how he’s dominating my body as he takes what he wants from it. Despite it all, I still feel safe, taken care of and cherished.
“Zack, I need… I need to…” Unable to finish my sentence, I close my eyes and allow myself to get lost, throwing caution to the wind as I abandon my inhibitions and allow my instincts to rule my body.
“You need to come?” Zack taunts me, deliberately slowing down his movements.
“Uh-huh.” I mumble incoherently, breathless and weak.
“Then come for me, sweetheart. Come all over me and let me feel you.” He encourages.
I do as he asks, aggressively bouncing against him. Utterly wanton and unashamed by my sexual behaviour, liberated and free.
My body contracts around him, eliciting a guttural groan from his throat. As he releases himself inside of me, I submit to my own desire as we come together. Zack grips my body with an unyielding intensity, grasping my hips in a vice-like grip as though he is frightened I will disappear beneath his touch.
We collapse onto the bed, exhausted and breathless. Our limbs are intertwined, our sweat soaked bodies pressed against one another. Our breathing eventually evens out, giving way to the intrusive thoughts that threaten to penetrate our post-coital state of bliss. Zack is the first one to break our prolonged silence, speaking softly.
“It should have been you.”
“What?”
I angle my body to face him, even though I already know what he is referring to.
“You should be the one carrying my baby.”
“Don’t say that.” I reprimand him harshly.
“Why not? It’s what we’re both thinking.” He argues, pulling me back when I try to get leave the bed.
“I’m not thinking that.” I respond truthfully.
“Then what are you thinking?”
“I think I’ve only just realised what an awful person I really am.” I murmur, blinking rapidly to prevent the first drop of my tears from falling.
“Don’t say that.” He says firmly. “You’re the kindest, sweetest person I know. You’re good.”
“You know you could say that to me every single day for the rest of my life, I still won’t believe it.”
“Then I’ll just have to keep on saying it until you do, even if it takes a lifetime to convince you.”
He kisses me on the lips, calming me in an instant. His touch alone brings peace to every single one of my fears.
“You still need to go to Rachel.” I remind him.
“I’ll see her tomorrow, tonight I need to be with you.”
“How on earth do you see any of this working out?” I question him, jumping out of the bed as I reach for my clothes. “It’s impossible, Zack.”
“Nothing is impossible.” He concludes, as if this makes it final. “I’ll speak to Rachel and explain things to her. I’ll help her understand why we can no longer be together but make her realise that we can still be good parents. We can raise the baby and I’ll be his or her father but that’s all it will ever be between us. I promise you, Sam.”
He starts to get dressed, angrily tearing at his clothes as he yanks them back on.
“Things will be different once the baby is born. You will hold your baby in your arms and fall head over heels in love with it. Your love for me will not even begin to compare and that’s exactly how it should be.”
I take a seat on the bed, cradling my head in my hands as I contemplate the future that is now before me.
“How can you even say that? You’re my life, Samantha. You’re the sole reason for my existence now.” He falls to his knees once again, trying to prise my hands away from my face. “We will have our own children one day. I swear to God we will.”
“That can never happen”
“Why the hell not?” He demands fiercely, taking hold of my shoulders as he shakes me.
“I can’t go through that again.” I sob, shoving him back. “I cannot go through the agony of that misery again.”
“Baby, it would be different. You were just a young girl when it happened before, you had no support and no one to take care of you. It wouldn’t be that way again, our baby will be beautiful, you know that. One day it will happen for us and until that day I’m absolutely determined that you will not let your past dictate our future.”
The desperation and painful torment can be heard in his voice, revealing his own heartache and suffering. I’ve been so selfish in all of this, only thinking about myself and how I’ the one who is hurting. I’ve ran out on him twice, leaving him alone in his despair and anguish. He’s just found out he’s going to be a father and all I’m concerned about is how all of this will affect me.
“I’m sorry.” I apologise, allowing him to wipe away my salty tears. “I’ve lived in the past for so long, I don’t know how to escape it. It haunts me every day.”
“Shhh, it’s ok. Everything is going to be alright.” He consoles me, pulling me into his warm embrace.
“I’ve had counselling before but none of it has been enough to kill the sadness that lives inside of me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I don’t know where I went wrong or what I can do to fix myself. I’m damaged goods, broken beyond repair and that’s why you deserve so much better. You deserve to be with someone like Rachel, you deserve the perfect life and the beautiful family. Your baby with her will be beautiful and I don’t want to be the one who will keep you from that idyllic life. You’ll end up hating me, I know you will.” I sob violently, struggling to control my breathing as I gasp for air.
“Never in my life will I hate you.” He vehemently assures me, forcing me to look at him. “Never.”
“Please go and see Rachel.” I beg him, fighting the anxiety that’s already invading my mind, distorting the truth and causing me to fear everyone and everything, including myself.
“I will. I’ll go and see her first thing tomorrow morning, ok? But right now I need you to calm down for me. You’re not thinking clearly, you’re all worked up and I need you to really focus on me and the sound of my voice, ok? I’m here, I’m right here with you and nothing bad is going to happen. I got you, Sam. I got you and I am never going to let you go, you can push me away all you want but I will never leave you.”
I eventually manage to fall asleep, emotionally drained and physically exhausted. His arms are protectively wrapped around me with my head resting against his chest. I wake several times during the night, tossing and turning due to a restless sleep and realise that Zack is still awake every single time. He has yet to fall asleep and I can’t help wondering why on earth has still not given into his exhaustion when I know how tired he must be.
It’s during the third or fourth time when I wake up that I realise the reason behind this. Zack is keeping watch over me. He’s making sure he maintains being alert and attentive in case I decide to disappear again. He’s watching over me because he also needs to know I’m safe.
For the first ever time in my life I feel cherished. I feel loved, protected and taken care of by the one person in this world who truly loves me. I know we have a long road ahead of us but a small part of me still remains hopeful. It’s a small flicker, a tiny beacon of hope that refuses to die out despite the darkness that threatens to consume it.