Chapter Three
Samantha
“So how are you really?” Rachel asks, glancing over at me across the table in the small coffee shop we’re seated in.
“I’m ok.”
I know I sound ambiguous but I’m just not used to discussing my personal life with Rachel. She’s been away for so long, there’s a lot she’s missed out on and a lot she doesn’t know.
“Tell me the truth, Samantha.” Her eyes implore me to be honest with her and I sigh resignedly. I suppose it can’t hurt to open up to her a little bit.
“I’m taking it day by day, you know? Some days are better than others.” I say truthfully.
“And what about today? Is it a good day so far?” She inquires, dabbing the corner of her mouth with her napkin.
We’ve just finished eating lunch. I didn’t really fancy anything but my sister convinced me to have something, even though she only ordered a salad for herself. I suppose she’s grown used to taking care of her figure, being an actress means you’ve got to be comfortable under a spotlight.
“Definitely a good one.” I grin at her and watch her face light up.
It’s invariably easy to fool Rachel, she believes everything I say and that’s why it really isn’t too hard for me to convince her that I’m really ok.
Rachel phoned me early on this morning and asked if it would be alright for her to meet me in town instead of picking me up. At the time I didn’t know why she made that suggestion but didn’t mind at all. We arranged to meet outside Starbucks in town and then went onto check out a couple of bridal boutiques. She tried on a couple of dresses but nothing caught her eye and we eventually decided to call it a day and have some lunch.
It was after we placed our order that Rachel told me the reason she couldn’t pick me up this morning. Zack never stayed at over at my mum’s house with Rachel last night and therefore she didn’t have any means of transport to pick me up this morning. Zack had already made plans for today and was catching up with some of his old friends. Rachel explained that she didn’t want to ask him to rearrange anything and I told her I completely understood.
“So why didn’t Zack stay at mum’s with you last night?” I asked her whilst we were waiting for our food to arrive.
“He was exhausted and I think he just wanted to spend the night in his own bed, in his old room.” She said it like it was no big deal but I could tell that his decision bothered her.
“You didn’t want to go with him?” I asked, glancing down at the menu.
We’d already placed our order so I don’t know why I did it. I guess I just didn’t want her to think that I was being too nosy. She’d only clam up if I made out like it was strange for him to want to spend the night apart from her and I wanted Rachel to be honest with me.
“I haven’t met his folks yet so it wasn’t ideal for me to stay over. The four of us are going out for a meal tonight though and I’m already so nervous! What if they don’t like me?” She wailed, clutching her chest as though she was about to hyperventilate.
“Rachel, they’re going to love you. You’re the most perfect daughter-in-law material, what more could they ask for?”
“I suppose so.” She nodded her head in acceptance of my reasoning.
I was only speaking the truth. Rachel is perfect and everyone I know feels the same way. I realise that Zack must think so as well or he wouldn’t be marrying her, right? I gently shook my head, wanting to rid myself of any thoughts of him whatsoever. I’d had a restless night and it was a struggle for me to fall asleep, when it finally happened I only dreamt of him.
“Mum mentioned something about a lot of visits to the doctor lately?” Rachel’s question drags me back to the present. Our lattes are nearly finished and it’s almost time for us to go. I thought all we had left to do was split the bill and leave but it seems as though she’s about to start an in-depth inquisition on the state of my mental health.
“It’s under control.” I say defensively.
“What is?” She questions, raising her eyebrows.
“You’re going to make me say it?” I groan, my cheeks turning red with embarrassment.
“Yep.”
“Fine, I guess my anxiety has shifted onto my health lately. I’ve been to the doctors a bunch of times but they keep reassuring me that I’m alright and that nothing is wrong with me.”
“That’s great news!” She encourages me.
“Yeah, if only I could believe them.” I reply dismally.
“It’s going to take some time, Sam. You’ll get better, just take it one day at a time.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do.” I say hopefully.
“It’s got to be tough for you right now… it’s been five years, hasn’t it?” Her tone is cautious, she’s reluctant to broach the subject with me but it’s not enough to stop her.
“Y-you remembered?” I ask disbelievingly, so moved I can scarcely breathe. I’m overwhelmed and incredibly touched by the fact that she still sympathises with what I went through.
“Of course I do. Every year I think about you during this time.” She says softly, placing her hand on top of mine.
“It’s been five years.” I whisper.
“I know.”
“He would have been five now.”
“You still think of him as a boy?” She smiles weakly.
“I always will.”
“Oh, Sam. You don’t still blame yourself, do you?”
“Sometimes. It’s just… I was so scared, Rachel. I’ve never been so terrified in all my life.”
“I know that, baby. I know.” She empathises, squeezing my hand.
“It still hurts. I can’t believe it still hurts after all this time.”
“It’s always going to hurt, Sam. It’s going to hurt because it meant so much to you. It’s something that changed your life and words can’t even begin to describe the pain you felt, the suffering it caused you. You lost something that you loved very much, you lost your baby and you’re never going to forget that. What you need to realise is that it’s ok to remember, it’s ok to still feel sad about it.”
“Do I even have the right to feel that way?” I say tearfully.
“Of course you do. Sam, I remember how you were and I remember the agonising decision you had to make. You were unwell, you made yourself sick because of it.”
“You never think it’s going to happen to you. An abortion is not something you visualise as a little girl, it’s not something you ever envision for yourself. It’s something you assume happens to other people, strangers who you don’t know and will never meet.”
“Sweetheart, I know. You don’t ever need to explain yourself to me. You tortured yourself before and after you reached your decision. It’s time to stop punishing yourself. You’ve suffered enough and you deserve happiness more than anyone I know.”
By this time my eyes are brimming with unshed tears. I long to break down and cry but we’re still in a public place and I know I must keep it together until I can be alone.
“I’m not punishing myself, I guess I’m just sad. My heart is still broken when I think about that baby.”
“It’s ok for you to feel that way. It’s perfectly understandable for you to be sad, all I ask is that you don’t let it overshadow any possibility you may have of finding happiness.”
There’s so much compassion in her voice, I don’t know whether to thank her or weep with gratitude.
After we’ve paid for our lunch, I reach behind me for my jacket hanging off the back of my chair. I’ve enjoyed my time with my older sister but I’m ready to go home, run a hot bath and curl up with a good book for the rest of the day.
“Not so fast! Have you not noticed the weather out there?” Rachel points towards the window behind me and I notice the heavy rain pelting down.
“I’ve got an umbrella, we’ll be ok if we make a run for it.”
“I’m not going out in that. I’ll phone Zack, he can come and pick us up.” She says, reaching into her handbag for her phone.
“I thought he was spending the day catching up with his old friends?” I remind her anxiously.
“He is but he’s not too far away from town. He’s playing snooker in a bar just a couple miles away.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what else to say, I know can’t protest too much or Rachel’s going to get suspicious.
“Zack, it’s me. Listen, would it be ok for you to come and pick up me and Samantha? It’s pouring down with rain and we’re going to get soaked if we go out in this now. We can phone a taxi if you’re still busy with your friends but I just thought I’d check with you first.” She asks him, her whole face lighting up at the sound of his voice. I listen intently, straining to hear his voice on the other end of the phone but hear nothing.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t get chance to ask you if everything was alright with your meal?” A pleasant looking waitress enquires, approaching me with a friendly expression on her face.
“It was lovely, thank you.” I smile at her in appreciation and watch her walk away. By the time I switch my attention back to Rachel, she’s finishing up with her phone call.
“Ok, see you soon. Thanks, baby.” She coos affectionately, twirling a strand of hair between her fingers.
Ugh, he’s obviously agreed to pick us up and I hate myself for the fluttering in my stomach. Knowing that I’ll be seeing my sister’s fiancé should not give me butterflies. I shouldn’t be feeling anything. I desperately need to get the thought of him out of my head… somehow.
We only wait a few minutes for Zack to arrive and he sends Rachel a text to let her know he’s outside. We make a sprint over to his car, frantic to get out of the rain. We’re both soaked by the time we reach the safety of his vehicle, laughing and combing our finger through our damp strands of hair. Rachel gets in the front and I sit in the back. I’d normally complain because I get really bad car sickness when I’m not in the front. However, I decide against it just this once, I need to put as much distance as I can between me and Zack.
“Did you two have a good time?” He asks, pulling out into the road.
“We really did, I had so much fun. Thanks for coming with me today, Sam.” Rachel turns around in her seat and grinning at me.
“It was my pleasure, I had a great time.” I say sincerely.
“Find anything you like?” Zack asks Rachel, interlacing his fingers with hers when she reaches for his hand.
I have to look away. I know how preposterous that sounds but I just can’t watch. It hurts me to see them being so intimate with one another. Not because I’m envious of their relationship and not because I want one for myself. It’s purely because I’m envious of her. I want him and I don’t have the faintest idea what I’m supposed to do about it. There’s nothing I can do. They’re together and in love, I’m irrelevant and that’s how it should be. I should play no part in their relationship and that’s exactly how it’s going to stay. I know I’m going to be Rachel’s Maid of honour and I’ll help her out as much as I can when it comes to the wedding but as far as he’s concerned… I can’t get too close. I need to keep my distance.
“Not really, I tried on a couple of dresses but today was mainly about getting some ideas and doing plenty of research.”
“Research? You need to research wedding dresses?” Zack chuckles softly, glancing in the rear-view mirror, our eyes connect with one another and we hold our gaze for several seconds, neither one of us willing to look away first.
“Of course! We only have four months until the wedding and I want everything to be perfect, especially the dress. It’s the most important part.” Rachel talks excitedly, reapplying her lipstick in the flip down mirror in front of her.
“I see.” Zack pauses, hesitating before asking his next question. “What about you?” His eyes fixate upon mine and I can feel his penetrating stare upon me, causing me to squirm uncomfortably in my seat.
“What about me?” I respond timidly.
“Did you find anything you liked?” His interest in our shopping trip can’t be genuine, so why does he continue to pierce my soul with those eyes?
“We weren’t really looking for my dress today.” I murmur quietly, averting my gaze.
“We’ll start looking for you soon, Sam. I want you in something different to the other bridesmaids. You’re going to look beautiful.” Rachel assures me, tugging a hair brush through her sleek hair. It’s the colour of dark chocolate and it always looks really healthy and glossy.
“There’ll only be one beauty on the day and that’s you.” I tell her, hoping that I don’t sound too jealous. I adore my sister and have always been proud of her accomplishments and elegance, I genuinely mean it when I say that I want her to be happy. I’ve never been envious of her before… until now.
“Nonsense! You’ll look gorgeous. Won’t she, Zack?” Rachel asks expectantly.
“Yes. She will.” His irresistible, coffee-coloured eyes seek out mine, lingering just a moment too long for it to be innocent.
I wring my hands together, struggling with his direct observation of me. His insightful and discerning glare cuts right through me. I have no idea why he would be angry with me but that’s exactly what he appears to be. I’m no longer able to pretend that I’m oblivious, his perusal is intense and I reach for my phone in my handbag, deciding to send Jason a quick text about ordering a take away later. It’s our Saturday night ritual and I don’t want to disappoint him.
“Jason?” Rachel swivels round in her seat, looking pointedly at my phone.
“Yeah, just arranging what we’re going to do later.”
“How’s he doing? Is he seeing anyone at the moment?”
“No, he just broke up with Charlotte, they weren’t getting along but he was with her for about six months or so, he’s still a little cut up about it.”
“That’s a shame, tell him I was asking after him.” She smiles at me and turns back around, glancing over at Zack beside her. She furrows her brow when she notices the tension etched all over his face and the firm grip he has on the steering wheel. “Zack, are you ok?” She asks carefully.
“Yep. I just want to get home. This traffic is driving me crazy.”
“It’s the weather, everyone’s in a rush to get home.” She informs him.
“I figured.” He replies sharply, tightening his relentless grip on the wheel.
The three of us are silent for several minutes and there’s so much tension in the car, I can’t wait to get out. They seemed so happy and relaxed last night, what could have changed since then?
“Zack, can you drop me right here? I need to get some cash out before we go for dinner with your parents tonight.” My sister exclaims, rummaging through her bag.
“It’s ok, I got it.”
“No! I’ve literally not got anything in my purse and I refuse to go out without any money.” She wails, grabbing hold of his arm.
“Rachel, I told you I can pay.” He says firmly, concentrating on the busy road in front of him.
“And I told you I’m not comfortable with that. Please just pull over, there’s a cash machine right there. I’ll be two minutes.” She reasons with him, already unbuckling her seat belt.
“Fine.” His teeth are clenched, reluctant to give in to her demand.
“Thanks, I’ll be right back.” Rachel jumps out the car within seconds, slamming the door closed behind her.
Zack and I are left alone. The atmosphere is strained and intense, prompting me to play around on my phone some more, hoping it will make me look occupied. All of a sudden the screen goes blank, it’s completely shuts down and I don’t know what I did to make that happen.
“Shit.” I mumble, turning it over so I can take out the battery, my answer to everything when there’s a problem with my phone.
“What is it?” Zack remains still in his seat, refusing to turn around and look at me.
“My phone just died and it won’t switch back on.” I complain, struggling to get the back off my phone.
“Pass it here, I’ll take a look at it.” He holds his hand out for me and I pass it to him without saying a word. He fiddles on with my phone for a couple of seconds and I have no idea what he’s doing to it.
“Any good?” I ask optimistically.
“I don’t know what the issue was but it’s working now.” He murmurs quietly, head bowed as he directs all of his attention onto the screen in front of him.
“That’s great, thanks a lot.” I reach out for it but he won’t relinquish his hold on my phone.
“Just a minute.” He says impatiently.
Ok… what the hell? I look up to see Rachel jogging back over to the car. It’s still pelting down with rain and the only sound to be heard is the persistent rhythm of the raindrops on the car roof.
“Rachel’s back.” I warn him.
He quickly types out something on my phone, hurrying to finish whatever it was he was doing.
“All fixed, there you go.” He hands it back to me and leans over, opening the door for my drenched sister knocking on the window.
“God, it’s crazy out there! Look at the state of me.” She laughs, shaking her head.
“You still look gorgeous, especially when you’re all wet.” Zack whispers, placing a soft kiss on her lips.
The seduction in his voice is impossible for me to ignore and I clench my fists, overwhelmed by the potent jealousy coursing through my veins. He was irritated with her just a minute ago, what changed? And what caused him be so intimate with her in front of me? It’s like he was trying to apologise for his behaviour before she got out the car or trying to prove something to me. I know this doesn’t make any sense but that’s the exact vibe I got from that kiss.
They drop me home a few minutes later, I thank Rachel for the day out and Zack for the ride, hastily removing myself from the car as soon as possible. The rain has finally stopped so I don’t need to race for sanctuary and I stroll across the parking lot. I only glance back at the car once and notice him watching me from his rear-view mirror again. He doesn’t take his eyes off me until he turns the corner, disappearing out of sight. His absence leaves a great and gaping hole inside my chest. I’d give anything to be my sister, to be sitting in the seat beside him and not standing alone out here, wishing I was someone else and longing to be with someone I can never have.
As soon as I let myself into my apartment, I run myself a hot bath to warm up. We’ve had plenty of April showers lately and I don’t enjoy them one bit. I don’t mind the rain when I’m warm and cosy at home but certainly not when I get caught in it during the day. I spend the remainder of my afternoon on the sofa reading a new book I downloaded on my kindle the day before. Jason sends me a text to let me know he will be over later and I get out all the take away menu’s I have, deciding to leave it up to him to choose what we order.
I have a little cry to myself whilst taking a bath. Talking about my personal issues with Rachel really opened up some old wounds for me and as soon as I got home I knew I would end up breaking down sooner or later. It would torment me for the rest of the day if I didn’t let my emotions out.
I had an abortion when I was eighteen years old and words cannot even begin to describe the absolute agony it caused me. My heart is still broken from what happened, it left me a shattered, damaged and fragile wreck. The devastating truth of the matter is I had already fallen in love with my baby by the time I actually went ahead with the termination. I know many people will then wonder what on earth caused me to make that life-changing decision if I’d already bonded with the tiny life growing inside of me. I suppose I don’t have one direct answer for that question but I can sum it up in one word and that word is fear.
I’ve suffered from anxiety for as long as I can remember. It started when I was a child and developed on from there. I don’t have social anxiety, I can socialise and make out as though I’m enjoying life just like everyone else can, I can go out for meals and hold down a job, it’s something inside of me that’s ruined. For as long as I can remember my greatest aspiration has been to achieve happiness. I yearn for it and know that I would sacrifice anything to attain it. My chronic state of worrying started during my childhood. Obsessive worries would cloud my mind and steal every joyful moment from it. I thought it was something I’d eventually grow out of but it never happened.
My relationship with mum just make things worse, she never supported anything I did and she always treated me differently from my brother and sister. Rachel was her favourite right from the start and I was often pushed out of the equation. I was such a daddy’s girl, I absolutely doted on him and worshipped the ground he walked on. We had this extraordinary relationship and I doubt I’ll ever again find the magnificence that I recognised in him. He’d take me everywhere with him and we’d go on these amazing adventures together, he would make up these incredible stories which I’d beg him to tell me over and over again.
I don’t know whether my mum was envious of my close relationship with him or if she simply hated me from the start but our relationship has always been fraught. I learnt from an early age that she didn’t like me. She never gave me half of the attention and affection that she gave to Rachel and my younger brother, Andrew.
Our father died when I was eight years old. He was involved in a car accident on his way home from work and died in hospital shortly after. It was mum who broke the news to us and I remember the cold way she looked at me when she told me he was dead. She comforted my brother and sister but I didn’t receive anything. I cried myself to sleep for months, soaking my pillow with my insuppressible tears. I now realise I should have been offered counselling or at least had someone to talk to after going through such a harrowing trauma but nothing like that was ever suggested. Rachel and Andrew slowly started to get better and begun the healing process but I was still lost, entirely consumed by the black hole that was my grief. The distance between mum and myself only increased, she felt like a stranger to me and I was entirely alone. Rachel’s been a social butterfly for as long as I can remember, she had plenty of boys and girlfriends to occupy herself with and would join in with all the after school clubs from being a teenager. I had a couple of close friends in school but never had Rachel’s confidence. She blossomed throughout her teenage years and mum would relish in the staggering amount of compliments she’d receive from people about my sister and her beauty.
I really can’t complain. Rachel always looked out for me and never intentionally singled me out. Life went on without my dad and I eventually started to adjust to an existence without his presence. Mum never remarried which is something that still surprises me. My parents never had what you might call a good relationship, mum came from a wealthy family and my dad didn’t. My mum’s parents were disapproving from the start and that explains the pompous and condescending relatives I was forced to mix with last night. We no longer see my dad’s side of the family, my mum cut ties with them when he died and the three of us were too young to challenge her decision at the time.
When I found out I was pregnant I was still in college. I was 18 years old and thought it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I now know that I was unwell and really did need some help. Physically, I was fine but emotionally I was a complete mess. My anxiety was spiralling out of control and I couldn’t understand the route of my problem. Well, maybe I could but didn’t want to face it. By this point my dad had already been gone for ten years and I didn’t believe his death to be the route of the chaos going on inside my head.
I knew Paul from school, we’d always been acquaintances but not exactly friends. I never opened up to him about anything personal and I suppose I knew from the start that I was only using him to try and forget my problems. We only slept together one time but I became pregnant. It never should have happened because Rachel persuaded me to go on the pill when I was seventeen. She was nineteen at the time and had been on it for three years or so. I suppose she was being responsible and was looking out for me and I’m still grateful to her. She took me to the doctors and I had no problems with the contraception they prescribed me. That’s why I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I stopped taking it. I remember Paul asking me right before we had sex if I was on birth control and I foolishly lied to him by assuring him that I was. What I failed to mention was the fact that I’d stopped taking it about one month before.
I’d had a feeling that we might sleep together and deliberately made the decision to stop taking the pill. I had this unexplainable yearning for a baby and it refused to leave me no matter what I did. I knew that it was nonsensical but I’ve always been maternal and longed for a child. It really was madness because I had no job, no money and no relationship. I wanted to be a mum since I was a little girl and even when through a phase when I was fourteen where I was desperate for a baby. Of course it was impossible for me at the time and that’s what made me it an ideal fantasy. It was something unobtainable and out of reach.
After Paul and I slept together, I realised what a stupid mistake I had made and promised myself I’d go back on the pill as soon as I my next period. That day never came. I wasn’t too worried at first, I thought my periods might have got a little mixed up with me coming off the pill so suddenly, I never actually believed I’d be pregnant so soon.
I remember sneaking into Rachel’s room to steal one of her pregnancy tests. She always had a couple of them hidden underneath her clothes in one of her drawers and I thought I better take one just to make sure. When it came up positive I almost died with shock. I know I sound naive but that’s exactly what I felt like. I was already on such a downward spiral, I hardly knew what I was doing and I was certainly in no fit state to make such a monumental decision like the one I had made.
Rachel was the first person I told and she was absolutely amazing during the whole thing. She came with to every single appointment I had and she even stayed with me when I broke the news to mum. She was furious with me and disgusted, she couldn’t bring herself to look at me and all I remember her saying to me was to get it taken care of. I couldn’t believe my own mother could be so heartless. Wasn’t she supposed to comfort me and promise me everything was going to be ok? I knew that I was nowhere near ready to have a baby, I was an emotional wreck and falling apart at the seams but I still loved my unborn child. I wanted it and if I had been healthy, there’s no doubt in my mind that I would have chosen to continue with my pregnancy.
The whole thing was traumatic, I wasn’t eating and I was being sick all the time, I felt so unwell. I started to worry about myself and the dark, desolate place inside my head. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, threatening to suffocate the remaining life left in me. I honestly felt like I had no choice, I truly believed I would die if I had the baby, fear had me in a vice-like grip and refused to relinquish its hold on me, even for a moment.
Rachel came with me when I had the procedure, I only had to swallow a pill but I felt like I was walking towards my own execution. She cradled me as I sobbed, she stayed with me whilst I was sick and would stay up with me into the early hours of the morning when I wanted to talk. She really was incredible and that’s why I despise myself for the inappropriate feelings I have for her fiancé. I would never, ever do anything to hurt her, she is loved by everyone, including me and it’s my job to be there for her just like she was for me all those years ago. I’ve continued to observe and admire all of the accomplishments and success my sister has achieved, she’s a phenomenal actress and deserves all of the positivity in her life. I will always be grateful for everything she has done for me and that’s why I’m so determined to stay far away from Zack.
I only told Paul about the baby after the termination. I know he had a right to be told before I made my decision but that would have been really difficult. He hardly even spoke to me after the one and only time we slept together, he barely glanced in my direction and actually seemed to be ignoring me whenever we shared a class together. He was the one who had taken my virginity and it hurt me so much when he went on to treat me like a complete stranger. I remember the brutal conversation we first had when I finally told him about the pregnancy and the abortion I’d just had. It’s a conversation I will never forget the cruelty of the words he spoke to me that day, they will always be engraved into my memory and there’s nothing I can do to erase them. I recall every single moment of our exchange because it turns out it was the last conversation I would ever have with Paul.
“I’m so sorry.” I wept, holding my head in my hands.
We were at his house. I’d spoken to him earlier on during the day when we were both at college and told him that I really had to talk to him. I could tell he was curious and eventually agreed to meet up with me later. He told me to stop by his house on my way home from college and we would talk then. I already knew his parents worked late and we would have the privacy to discuss things without being interrupted or overheard. The atmosphere between us had been extremely awkward until I eventually broke down in tears and confessed everything to him.
“Sorry? You’re sorry?” He exclaimed incredulously, raking his fingers through his hair in frustration and anger. “That’s all you’ve got to say to me right now?”
“I know it’s not enough but I don’t know what else to tell you.” I murmured, angrily wiping away my tears.
“You murdered my baby and you can’t think of anything else to say?” He yelled, pacing back and forth in front of me like an enclosed animal.
“It wasn’t like that! You don’t know what I went through. I’ve been through hell whilst you’ve been blissfully unaware! I’ve been torturing myself every second of every day over this.” I cried indignantly, angered by the intensity of his fury.
I couldn’t believe his ignorance and lack of empathy for me. There was no compassion or understanding whatsoever from him.
“I didn’t fucking know! How could I feel anything or try to help you when I didn’t even know you had my baby inside you? I can’t believe you made this decision without consulting me. Did you not care about me or my opinion? Did you not think it was wise to discuss it with me before you made such a life-changing choice?” He roared and grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing me to my feet. He had turned red in the face, his rage was so immense.
“Paul, please. You have to understand that I’m not myself right now. I don’t even know who I am. I was not capable of being a parent. I couldn’t even face the pregnancy, I was absolutely terrified and had to deal with it all by myself.”
“What drives me insane is the fact that you did it deliberately. What kind of woman gets herself pregnant on purpose and then aborts it?” He sneered contemptuously, looking me up and down in revulsion.
“This was a mistake, I should never have told you. I can’t do this right now. I have to go.” I jumped up out of my seat and bolted for the door. I had to get away from him before he wounded me with any more of his unforgiving words.
“You’re not going anywhere! You think you can just drop a bombshell like this on me and expect to walk away?” He slammed the door shut before I even reached it, keeping me confined inside his house with him.
“I can’t stay and talk to you when you’re like this. Please let me go.” I begged him, my helpless tears cascading down my face.
“I can’t even look at you right now. You make me sick and I wish I didn’t know. What you’ve done is beyond forgiveness. I hate you and I never want to see you again. You’re going to have to live with this for the rest of your life and I’m glad you’ll be carrying the weight of that guilt. You deserve it, you deserve everything you get.”
“Don’t you think I know that? I know I’m going to persecute myself for the rest of my life. I know I’m never going to forget, it’s going to be there every second of every minute of every day.” I confessed, sobbing uncontrollably. I grabbed a handful of his shirt in each hand, pleading with him for absolution and forgiveness.
“Good. I hope it continues. Now get the fuck out of my house.” He barked, shoving me backwards.
I fell over but scrambled to my feet, pushing past him so I could flee his house. I was inconsolable when I left that day. Rachel wasn’t at home when I got back, she was away for the weekend with a couple of girlfriends and I was left to deal with my grief all by myself. My mum must have overheard my sobbing and poked her head around my bedroom door. I actually hoped she might offer me some sort of comfort or even a shoulder to cry on. My expectations were completely normal but incredibly naive. My mum hasn’t said a kind word to me in my life, I don’t know why I thought she would change her behaviour that day.
“I’m sick and tired of this, Samantha. How long do you think you can carry on like this before you start to make yourself look more pathetic than you already are?”
“What’s wrong with you? You’re my mum, how can you treat me this way?” I asked, turning to face her.
I was on the bed and she was standing by the door, she had no intention of coming inside. She wasn’t there to soothe me or help in any way.
“I really don’t think that you should be lecturing me on what it means to be a parent. You just killed your own baby.” She taunted, sneering at me in malice.
Her venom hardly surprises me anymore but that day changed everything. I finally realised her true feelings for me. I finally learnt that my mum really does hate me.
“You bitch.” I whispered incredulously, still unable to believe what she’d just said to me, her own daughter.
“I might be a bitch but at least I’m not a murderer.” She turned on her heel to leave the room but stopped right before she made her exit. “I actually shouldn’t judge you too harshly, I wish I’d aborted you.”
After that fateful day, I never expected anything other than hate from my mother. I now accept the fact that she despises me, it’s something that’s never going to change and I no longer try to convince her that I’m worthy of her love. I sometimes can’t help but wonder if it all goes back to what I told her when I was a little girl. I rarely allow myself to think about it and I’m not about to start now. I closed the door on that particular darkness a long time ago and I refuse to revisit it for anybody or anything.
I never spoke to Paul again after my confession. He avoided me whenever he saw me around college and he’d even change the direction he was heading in if he saw I was going the same way. Everybody knew that something had gone on between us but neither of us were willing to open up about it and for that I was grateful.
I did bump into Paul one day about a year after I told him the truth. I hadn’t seen him in a long time because he chose to go away for University and he was hardly ever home. We crossed paths again at the supermarket when he must have been home for the summer holidays. I remember I had my sunglasses on and I don’t think he recognised who I was at first, he held the door open for me and I thanked him as I made my way out of the store. He froze as soon as he heard my voice and I then knew he’d been oblivious to my identity before that point. He narrowed his green eyes at me, directing all of his hateful disdain onto me. He completely ignored me and strode over to his car, slamming his door with so much force I’m surprised it didn’t fall off its hinges. He sped out of the parking lot and that was the last time I ever saw him.
It was obvious that he still blamed me for everything and chose to loathe me for the agonising decision I had been forced to make. I had no excuses, he was entitled to feel the way he did and I felt no animosity towards him at all for his fury. It was the very next day when Rachel had to break the news to me that Paul was dead. He had gone out drinking the night before and got involved in a fight, someone stabbed him during the scuffle and he died right before the paramedics arrived.
I went into shock when my sister told me what had happened. Paul wasn’t violent and he wasn’t a fighter, I couldn’t believe he was gone. None of us wanted to accept the tragedy he was involved in. Paul was a popular guy, the whole town loved and him and there wasn’t a single person who had a bad word to say about him. I never did find out what really happened to Paul but I do know that the guy who killed him was sentenced to a lifetime in prison. There was an inquest after his death but I chose not to follow the reports. It was too difficult for me and absolutely heart breaking to hear about it.
I was the only one who didn’t go to his funeral. A part of me wanted to go but another part felt like I really didn’t have the right to attend. I instead chose to stay at home and spent the whole day crying into my pillow. I went to church a few days after and visited his grave. It was covered with beautiful bouquets of flowers and I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down in front of it.
A lot of Paul’s friends and certainly all the members of his family chose to blame me for what happened. I’m not sure if they even knew exactly what happened between us but I’m certain he told them the truth about the abortion. They blamed me and said I was the one who had to take responsibility for angering him that day. His family said he only went out and got drunk that night because he was so enraged by the fact he had an encounter with me earlier on in the day. One of his best friends said he was so furious with me that all he had wanted to do was to go out and forget all about it, forget that I was so close by and erase me from his thoughts.
I do realise that it wasn’t my fault. I wasn’t the one who killed Paul. He’s the one who chose to keep hold of his anger, he’s the one who never tried to contact me never allowed me to give him a real explanation for what happened. He made the decision to keep on hating me and I suppose that’s why his family still feel the same way. My mum eventually found out about all the things that Paul’s family were saying about me. My mum’s side of the family eventually heard all about it as well. They never did have a high opinion of me but after hearing what Paul’s relatives had to say about me, they chose to despise me just like my mum.
I still think about Paul sometimes and I can’t help but think about my baby every single day. Five years ago when I was close to what would have been my due date, I made the decision to go out and buy some baby clothes. I know it might sound crazy but it’s something that I felt compelled to do. I always imagined that my baby would have been a boy and so I ended up buying lots of blue items. I don’t know why I felt it was going to be a boy because I never actually reached the stage where I could find out the sex. The termination took place really early on in my pregnancy and I was fortunate enough to not face any difficulties or complications. However, it still tore my heart to shreds and the whole trauma of it will be engraved into my memory for the rest of my life.
I hoped my anxiety would decrease after the abortion but it didn’t. It only seemed to get worse and it started to consume my whole being. Every single day I had to deal with more panic attacks and horrendous flashbacks, I felt like I was trapped in this endless, miserable cycle of my grief. I couldn’t open up to anyone about what I was going through and the baby I was grieving for night and day. The majority of people in my life didn’t even know about it and I was also aware that a lot of people would be extremely judgemental about my decision. I knew they would inevitably question why I was grieving the loss of my unborn baby when I chose to end the pregnancy in the first place.
My anxiety is still a problem, like I said to Rachel it now seems to have switched its focus. I’m always preoccupied with concerns about my health and I’ve visited the doctor’s surgery so many times this past year. I’ll go with trivial symptoms and each time they reassure me that there’s nothing physically wrong with me. I believe them for a little while and then the anxiety will start up again.
Jason’s such an amazing friend, he’s the one who accompanies me to the doctor’s every time I need to go. He knows all about my termination and we’ve spent so many hours discussing what happened. He constantly assures me that it wasn’t my fault, he holds me when I get distraught and he’s my punching bag when my anger becomes too much for me to handle. The only reason he wasn’t there for me when I found out I was pregnant is because he was abroad with his family at the time, they were gone for six months and it was torture going through all of that without him. He was so distraught when he came home and I told him everything that happened. He hated the thought of me going through all of that by myself and wanted to kill Paul for the way he had treated me.
Jason was also the one person besides Rachel who supported me when Paul died one year later. For months I tormented myself with guilt. For a time I really did blame myself, I forced myself to carry the unbelievable burden of all that guilt. I truly believed that it was my fault for keeping the abortion from Paul, I convinced myself he’d still be alive if it weren’t for me. My own mother frequently tells me that I’m partly responsible for Paul’s death and if you repeatedly hear something over and over again, you do eventually start to believe it.
Losing the baby caused all of my unresolved grief and heartache surrounding my father’s death to resurface. I felt like I was not only mourning the death of a parent, I was mourning the death of my child as well. I was drowning, suffocating and smothered by my own anxiety and dark thoughts, all of placed so many limitations on my life. I was trapped, living with a mother I couldn’t stand and a sister whose mere presence made me feel inferior.
I had a couple of jobs after I finished college but I’m still not really certain about what it is I want to do. I got my childcare qualification and currently work part time in a nursery with children under four. I love them and they bring me so much joy but I’m not sure it’s something I would like to do forever.
When I turned eighteen I was entitled to claim the inheritance my father had left for me before he died. He was a very smart man and made his will as soon as his third and final child was born. He left all of his children the same amount of money and I was glad he chose to treat the three of us equally. Everyone knew that my relationship with my father was remarkably special and unique but he would never admit to loving any of his children more than the other. Every night before I went to sleep he would tell me that he could never love anyone more than he loved me and I suppose that was his way of telling me he loved me the most. It was my dad’s money that allowed me to buy the apartment I live in now. I’m so grateful to him for being so generous and caring for me like no one else did. I love how close I feel to him whenever I’m at home, living in the place he bought for me. His final gift.
A loud knock on the door drags me back to the present. I leap off the sofa and hurry over to the door. I need my friend’s company more than ever and I’ve been looking forward to spending the evening with my best friend all day.
“What’s wrong?” Jason asks as soon as I open the door.
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” I assure him, smiling brightly.
“No, you’re not. Tell me the truth.” He pushes me to the side so he can get past and places a handful of DVD’s down on the coffee table.
“It’s just been one of those days. I’ll be alright now that you’re here.” I say cheerfully.
“Aw, that’s sweet. Come here.” He holds his arms out for me and I gladly reciprocate his warm embrace.
We spend the rest of the night curled up on the sofa. We order a Chinese and decide on watching Braveheart. We must have seen it ten thousand times but we still enjoy it. The music is spectacular and no matter how many times I hear it, it still gives me chills.
“Would you kill for the woman you loved?” I murmured sleepily, referring to the film’s main storyline.
“I’d kill for you.” Jason replied, turning to face me with a big grin on his face.
I was sprawled out on the sofa with my legs across his lap. I know some people might think there’s something going on between Jason and I but neither one of us has ever felt that way about one another. Don’t get me wrong, Jason is really handsome and any girl would be lucky to have him. He has dark hair and blue eyes which makes an exotic and unusual combination. He’s olive skinned, he looks like he spends his life outside and he’s tall. Women love him and would give anything for a tiny piece of his attention. I can appreciate all of these things even though I’ve never felt that way myself. He’s like a brother to me and I know he sees me in the same way.
Andrew, my actual brother is now away at University, he barely knows I exist and it’s been that way for as long as I can remember. He tends to do his own thing and he’s also got a really close relationship with mum. He’s the only boy and he’s also the youngest. He received a great deal of her attention over the years and I suppose her blatant favouritism caused a rift between us.
“Is that your way of saying that you love me?” I joke, gently nudging Jason.
“Yep. Always have, always will.” He grins and throws a prawn cracker at me before all of his attention and focus moves back onto the film.
We’re both so tired we don’t even finish the movie. Jason yawns and stands up, walking across the living room.
“Where are you going? The movie’s not even finished.” I complain.
“Duty calls.” He answers over his shoulder, making his way into the bathroom.
I stop the film, knowing I really need to go to bed before exhaustion takes over and I fall asleep on the couch. I’m seconds away from sleep when the sound of my phone startles me across the room. It’s still in my handbag and I’d probably just ignore if it wasn’t so late. The fact that its after midnight is enough to arouse my curiosity and I pad across the living room with one eye open, mindlessly digging around inside my handbag for my phone. It’s probably a goodnight text from Rachel wanting to let me know how she got on with meeting Zack’s parents tonight. I’m not at all worried because she had no reason to be nervous. It’s impossible not to like Rachel, she’s utterly perfect.
I stare at my phone for several seconds. It says I have one unread message from Zack. What the…? I’m just about to open the text when Jason enters the room.
“I’ve got to go before I fall asleep standing up.” He chuckles, grabbing his front door key off the table.
I consider telling him about what I just saw on my phone but quickly reconsider. The last thing I want is Jason teasing me about Zack. I don’t even know if that’s what I saw, it wouldn’t surprise me if I imagine his name on my phone’s screen. He’s consumed most of my thoughts for the past twenty-four hours, I could be overwrought and it might have been exhaustion that made me think I saw his name just now.
No, that’s ridiculous. How could I imagine his name? I saw it right in front of me and it said I had one unread message from Zack. I think back, remembering the short time he had my phone when we were waiting for Rachel in the car. Did he put his number in my phone then? Did he even have the time? If he did, why would he do that? The next couple of minutes seem to go on forever as I wait for Jason to leave. I’m desperate to check my phone and make sure I wasn’t mistaken.
“Are you sure you’re ok? You don’t seem like yourself.” Jason asks, leaning against the doorframe on his way out.
“I’m just exhausted, I got up really early to go and meet Rachel.” I explain, hoping I’ll somehow manage to fool him.
“Ok, you know where I am if you need me. I know that… I mean, I remember this time of year and I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you.” He says softly, lowering his gaze to the floor.
“I have no idea what I’d do without you.” I stand on my tip toes and kiss his cheek, ruffling his hair in a playful manner.
“You won’t ever have to find out.” He winks at me before making his way down the corridor to his own apartment.
As soon as he’s gone, I race back into the living room and reach for my phone which I hid down the side of the sofa. I grab it and stare at the screen, blinking several times. I can’t believe I was right. It does say that I have one unread message from him. My fingers tremble, debating whether I should read it now or wait a little longer. I have absolutely no idea what it might say.
I take a seat and focus on my breathing. I take a few deep breaths, trying to rationalise the crazy thoughts swirling through my mind. I’m probably getting all worked up over nothing, it won’t be what I think it is. Zack might have put his number in my phone for emergencies and his text could actually have been sent by Rachel. She might have left her phone at home and asked Zack if she could use his phone. The possibilities are endless but there’s one thing I am sure about and that’s my desperation to read it. I won’t rest until I know what it says. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath and open the text message.
Zack: I know this sounds crazy and I know that this makes no sense but I really need to talk to you. Now.
I stare at his words for several minutes, reading them over and over again. He needs to talk to me? Why on earth would he send me something like that? I start to consider the possibility that he might have sent it to the wrong person. Was his message really meant for me? I suppose there’s only way to find out…
You know who this is, right? Did you put your number in my phone earlier today? Sam.
His reply is instantaneous.
Zack: Yes. I’m really sorry about that. I know I shouldn’t have done it and I want to apologise but that doesn’t change the fact that I really need to talk to you.
My heart’s beating rapidly and my whole body is shaking with uncontrollable, incomprehensible emotions. We really shouldn’t be having this conversation. It’s half pat twelve at night, shouldn’t Zack be with Rachel right now? I can’t help but speculate about them and if they’re sleeping apart tonight. I have no right whatsoever to be so inquisitive but it’s not like I can do anything about it.
What about?
I know my response is forthright and upfront but I know I have to be cautious, I don’t know if this is a joke or if it’s even Zack texting me right now. Someone could be playing a prank on him, one of his friends could be having the time of his life right now with this joke at my expense.
Zack: I think you know.
I pause for a moment whilst considering my next reply.
I really don’t.
Zack: Please, Sam. Don’t make this any harder on me than it already is. I have to talk to you. Can I call you right now?
What the hell am I supposed to say to that? I can hardly say no when he knows I’m on the other end of the phone. My curiosity is too much for me to handle and if I refuse it might make him suspicious. If I pretend like this is perfectly normal than I stand a greater chance of appearing unfazed and unperturbed.
I send Zack a short text to let him know that I’ll accept his call. My phone starts to ring within seconds and I swallow nervously in an attempt to compose myself before I answer.
“Hello?”
“Samantha.” He sighs heavily. “Thanks so much for not freaking out on me. I know how crazy this must sound and I realise how late it is.”
“What’s going on, Zack?” I ask him directly, unwilling to sugar coat my confusion.
“I don’t even know. I don’t know what to say or where to start. I just wanted… I guess I wanted to know if you…”
“If I what?” I prompt him, trying to keep the tremor out of my voice.
“God, I’m so sorry. This is so fucked up and just plain wrong. I should never have called you, can we just pretend like this never happened? Ignore everything I’ve just said, Samantha. Please?” He begged me, sounding agonised by his request.
Before I even had a chance to respond to him, he hung up the phone. I’m left feeling bewildered and stunned, staring at the phone in my hand in complete and utter shock. What the hell just happened?
I don’t go to bed right away. I know I won’t be able to go to sleep and don’t relish the idea of being awake for hours. Zack sounded torn when I spoke to him on the phone, he was struggling with something. It was almost like he was at war with himself, battling his own demons whilst trying to regain some control over his emotional outburst.
The sound of his voice stirred up something deep inside of me, something I’ve never felt before in my entire life. I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to defining my feelings for him. Before that phone call I would have described them as lust. I knew I wanted him and I knew it was wrong of me to want him but now… now I know it runs deeper, deeper than I was willing to believe.
I don’t know what’s going to happen or how things are going to be from now on. All I do know that this is far from over, Zack and I are unfinished. I’m inextricably drawn to him and know it’s going to take all of my strength to fight the underlying attraction I have for him now. Our story is not one I want to leave incomplete and as wrong as it is, I want to turn the page, I need to find out what happens in the end or I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life.
I finally manage to fall asleep but all I dream about is him. His voice, his eyes, his physique and his smile. He belongs to someone else and that someone else is my sister. He can never be mine and he will always be off-limits. However, for one night only I won’t allow myself to care. Tomorrow things will change, tomorrow things will be different.
Tonight, I can pretend. Tonight I will fool myself into believing that things will be ok. In reality, I know I’m in denial. I know this can only end in heartbreak.
Mine.
His.
Rachel’s.
Too bad that’s a risk I’m willing to take…