Chapter Seventeen
Zack
I’m in agony. Absolute agony.
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t do anything but think about her. She’s the first thing that enters my mind when I wake up from a restless night’s sleep and she’s the last face I see inside my head before I switch out the bedroom light. I don’t know where to go from here, I don’t know what to do to make this excruciating torment go away.
I know I fucked up yet again the day I found out she had been hanging out with my brother but I just couldn’t help it at the time. I was half insane with jealousy, picturing the two of them together and I just reacted before I had a chance to think things through. I knew I’d made a mistake as soon as I put the phone down after my conversation with her that day. I felt really bad for the way I treated her and knew I had a lot of apologising to do.
Words cannot describe how close I came to punching my own brother when I first saw him. I was still mad as hell and needed someone to take all of my frustrated aggression out on. Knowing he had spent intimate time with Sam was enough to push me over the edge and I lashed out as soon I set eyes on him, grabbing him by scruff of his neck before I slammed my body against his into the wall.
Two weeks earlier.
“What the hell do you think you’re playing at? Why the fuck would you go to her apartment?” I growled, striving to control the rage that was threatening to take over.
“What the fuck has that got to do with you?” He taunted me, trying to relieve some of the pressure I had been deliberately applying against his throat.
“More than you know.” I snarled, forcefully yanking his head forward before smashing it back against the wooden door behind him.
“You’re fucking crazy.” He mumbled, frantically trying to relieve some of the pressure being enforced upon him.
“And? You think I don’t know that?” I jeered, mocking the absurdity of the situation.
Here was my brother telling me something that I already knew. I was pretty certain that the grasp I had on reality was slipping, it was fading right before my very eyes and I happened to be powerless against it.
“What the hell is going on with you, Zack?” He mumbled, gasping for air the second I let go of him, falling to the floor beneath my feet.
“I don’t know… I just don’t know anymore.” I confessed, collapsing against the wall in front of me.
I cradled my head in my hands, feeling utterly defeated and destroyed.
“Something’s eating away at you, Zack. It’s ruining you from inside and you need to let it out before it kills you.”
The fact that my brother chose not to retaliate, the fact that he didn’t fight back just goes to prove how bad he thought things were for me. Never in my life have I been vulnerable, never have I been left exposed or weak. I’ve always been the guy who has it sorted, I’ve always been the one who holds it together, never gets his heart broken. The one all the other blokes envy, the one they all want to be.
“Perhaps I’m really going mad.” I whispered incoherently. “Maybe this is what insanity feels like.”
“Look, whatever it is… just get a grip. Fix whatever it is you’ve done wrong and make it right. You don’t have a choice, bro. If you leave things as they are, it really will destroy you.”
Present day…
My brother’s advice really resonated with me that day. I realised I had to change things and put an end to the emotional rollercoaster I had unknowingly embarked on. I knew exactly what I wanted, who I still want…
Samantha.
She consumes my thoughts, day and night. She invades my dreams and dominates the entirety of my being. I don’t know where the fuck she is and it is slowly driving me even closer to crazy.
After the confrontation with my brother two weeks ago, I knew it was important for me to go and see Sam so I could apologise to her. I needed her to know that I was sorry for the way I spoke to her and explain that the only reason I behaved like that in the first place was because I was jealous.
I’d had a terrible afternoon with Rachel and my parents, making small talk and polite chit chat about a wedding I don’t even want to go ahead. I was frustrated, angry, confused and desperate to hurry back and see Sam. I called my brother hoping he could take my mind off things for an hour or two, play a round of pool and forget. You can imagine how shocked I was when he answered his phone to tell me he was in Sam’s apartment. All I could think about was the way that Aaron had looked at her the day he first met her. He wanted her and made it ridiculously obvious. It made my blood boil when I thought of them together and once I found out my brother had actually managed to get into her apartment… I no longer had a rational thought inside my head.
I wrongly took my anger out on Samantha that day, demanding to know what she was playing at inviting my brother into her home. I instantly regretted my actions and knew I had a lot of making up to do. I was more than prepared to get down on my knees and beg her forgiveness if I had to. I was willing to do anything if I had to except I couldn’t.
By the time I got there she was gone.
I must have hammered against her apartment door for an hour, hoping she was on the other side of it and just being too stubborn to let me in right away.
I was wrong.
She wasn’t there that night and she hasn’t been home since. Every single night I go around to her apartment with the hope that she will be there.
She never is.
Her phone has been switched off for two weeks and the only reason I haven’t phoned the police myself is because she sent one text message to Rachel. In it she said that she was staying with a friend, needed some space and would be in touch. She couldn’t have been more evasive about her whereabouts and the fact that I don’t know where she is will be my destruction in the end.
My insomnia is making me physically ill. I’m weak, exhausted, afflicted and beyond tormented. I can hardly bring myself to look at Rachel, unfairly blaming her for everything that’s wrong. I’m starting to resent her and our so called relationship, wrongly convincing myself that Samantha would never have left me if it weren’t for her sister. I’ve been making so many excuses as to why I can’t spend time with Rachel, running out of reasons why I can’t see her. She knows our relationship is crumbling around us but daren’t confront me about it, fearful and reluctant to find the truth out about what’s going on.
Today is Saturday and I haven’t left the house all day. I know my parents are worried sick about me, wondering what the hell is going on between me and Rachel but to be completely honest, I no longer have the energy to even try and convince them that I’m ok.
A knock on my bedroom doors pulls me out of the deep trance I was in, forcing me to verbally respond. I really can’t be assed answering anymore of my parents questions.
“Go away.” I groan, closing my eyes as I will the blissful oblivion of sleep to take over.
“Zack, it’s me, Aaron. Let me in, I need to talk to you.”
I stare blankly at my bedroom door, glad that I actually remembered to lock it. However, I can’t help from wondering what the hell my brother is doing back here again so soon. He went back to Manchester a couple days after our blow out and I haven’t heard from him since.
“We don’t have anything to discuss.” I reply indifferently, rubbing my weary forehead as I try to ease some of the tension that’s been building.
“It’s about Samantha.” He replies calmly, attempting to turn the handle on my door.
I leap off the bed within seconds and tear open my door in an instant.
“What about her?” I demand. “Where is she? Tell me what you know.”
“I don’t know anything, Zack. I’m sorry.”
“You just mentioned her name.” I say fiercely, ready to rip his head off if he thinks he can fuck around mentioning her.
“I only said it so you would get you off your ass and let me in.” He shrugs as though it’s no big deal, shoving me to the side so he can get past.
“You think this is fucking funny?” I yell, slamming my bedroom door closed behind us.
The last thing I need right now is my parents overhearing any of this, although I’m pretty sure they went out about an hour ago. No doubt this was all arranged by them, making themselves scarce so Aaron could talk some sense into me in private.
“No, I don’t find any of this funny, Zack. What I do find strange is the fact that the only thing that’s been able to motivate you in weeks is the mention of your fiancé’s sister. That’s strange, right?”
“And what the hell do you know about it?” I growl, moving towards him as my rage increases, clenching my fists as I try to gain some sort of control over my aggression.
“Mum and dad are worried about you. They called me and asked if I would come back home to make sure that you’re ok. They want me to see if I can talk some sense into you and find out what’s going on.”
“That’s no one else’s business but mine.” I retort sharply, pacing back and forth across the room in a desperate attempt to calm myself down.
“And Sam’s, right?”
“What are you trying to say?”
“Come on, Zack. It’s pretty obvious. The way you flipped out on me that day was enough to make me realise that something real shady has been going on between the two of you. All I did was hang out with her and you went crazy on me. Then there was the day at the house, you wanted me nowhere near her then either and now it’s all starting to make sense.”
He sounds utterly convinced and so damn certain, it pisses me off. I want to prove him wrong. I want to be able to tell him that he’s got it all wrong and that his assumptions are false… but the truth is I just can’t. I don’t want to deny this any longer, I don’t have the strength to.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I eventually respond, unable to come up with anything plausible.
“Don’t I?” He asks, almost daring me to go ahead and refute it. “You’re ignoring your fiancé, you attacked me when you wrongly assumed that I was interested in Sam and you’ve completely lost the frigging plot since she disappeared. It’s now become obvious how you feel about her.”
“How do you know about her being gone?” I exclaim, whirling around to face him. “Has she been in touch with you?”
The idea of Samantha contacting my brother consumes me with rage, I don’t even think I’d be able to handle it but at least I would know that she was safe.
“Of course she hasn’t. Rachel was the one who let me know about it. She’s worried sick about her too, Zack. Samantha is her sister and you’ve hardly done a thing to support her in all of this.” He reprimands me firmly, stirring up the unwanted guilt that’s been inside of me for a long while.
“I know. I know all of this, Aaron. You don’t have to tell me.”
“Look, you’re no use to anyone like this. Why don’t we get out of here for a little while and go get a drink? You must be going stir crazy stuck in here all day.” He suggests, already making his way out the door.
“I really don’t feel like going out right now.” I complain, tempted to slam the door behind him and lock it once again.
“I know you don’t feel like it but it’s what we’re doing. I mean it, Zack. No arguments. Get your coat.”
I grabbed a quick shower before we left, threw on some fresh clothes and I was ready to go. Aaron suggested that we head out into town for a few drinks before going onto a club. I honestly cannot be assed going anywhere else after here and that’s what I plan on telling him when he gets back from the bar with my drink. I’m sitting at one of the round tables, observing the nameless patrons around me. Most of them are laughing and joking, giving off the perfect impression of those who have a perfect life. It’s as though they don’t have a care in the world. There’s nothing troubling them, no problem that keeps them awake at night. Their existence is easy. It’s effortless and I’ve never felt so envious of complete strangers.
“Here you go.” Aaron slides my glass across the table. “A scotch.”
I down it within seconds, savouring the burning sensation it makes as it glides down my throat.
“I need another.” I demand, unceremoniously wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.
“You sure about that? I’m guessing you haven’t eaten anything and I don’t want you legless before we even get started.”
“You want me to talk, don’t you?” I retort sharply. “So get me another.”
He does as I ask, shaking his head as he makes his way back over to the bar. I quickly slip back into my contemplation, remembering the last time I drank scotch. It was the night I stayed at the hotel with Sam. She was so nervous when she arrived, I thought I should try and help her relax by offering her a drink, hoping she would feel more at ease with me.
I smile to myself as I recall what she said that night. She told me she rarely drinks and has never been into the whole going out and getting drunk thing. I glance around the bar, knowing that this would be the last place on earth that I would see her. She would more likely be found curled up on a sofa with a book in her hand than in here.
“Take it easy on that one.” My brother warned me, passing me my second glass.
I wanted to down the golden liquid and pray for oblivion to take over, instead I swirled the whisky in my glass before taking a sip.
“You know I just don’t get it.” I confessed. “I just don’t get what she’s done to me, Aaron. She’s inside my head every flaming second of every damn day and the sick part about it is… I like it. I want her in there. I wouldn’t have it any other way. How fucked up does that make me?” I ask him.
“I’d say that makes you pretty fucked up.” He replies truthfully.
“Exactly. I mean… she’s not even my usual type, you know? I normally go for tall brunettes with bronzed skin and then there’s Samantha who is petite, fair skinned and blonde.”
I know I’m not making much sense, I’m rambling on about things that aren’t even important, superficialities of no consequence. Regardless of my blathering, it does feel good to finally get some of this stuff off my chest.
“Well, she’s not blonde anymore.” Aaron adds, motioning for the bartender to bring us another couple of drinks.
“What?”
“She changed her hair to dark.” He informs me. “You haven’t seen it?”
“No. Why the hell did she do that and when?”
“The same day I bumped into her a couple of weeks ago. She told me she’d just had it done.” He shrugs, unconcerned by it all. “It looked nice.”
“For fuck’s sake. Is there anything I do know about her?” I exclaim loudly, captivating the attention of the couple on the next table. “I don’t know where she is, I don’t know why she left. I don’t know how long she’s going to be gone for. I don’t even know the damn colour of her hair!” I bang my fist against the wooden table, almost upsetting our drinks.
“Zack, calm down. It’s not that big a deal.” Aaron assures me, attempting to diffuse the situation.
“It is a big deal.” I argue. “It matters because I love her, Aaron. I’m in love her and I don’t know where she is.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Of course I am! You think I’d actually be sitting here with you if I had the faintest idea where she was?”
“I meant are you sure about being in love with her?” He questions, watching me closely.
“Yes. I’m certain.”
“So where does that leave you and Rachel?”
“I can’t marry her, Aaron. I just can’t.” I say resolvedly.
“Then you need to tell her. It’s the decent thing to do.”
“I know and I will tell her, I honestly will.” I close my eyes and rub my forehead, trying to ease some of the tension. “I just need to find Samantha first.”
“What if Sam doesn’t feel the same way as you do?” He asks, infuriating me beyond belief.
“She does.” I insist firmly, unwilling to even contemplate a circumstance where she doesn’t.
“Ok but what if she’s not willing to do it? What if she’s no longer prepared to hurt her sister any more than she already has done? Where does that leave you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you still going to call off the wedding? Because Sam isn’t even here, Zack. She left you, she walked away and Rachel didn’t.”
“I don’t want Rachel.” I remind him. “She’s an amazing girl but I’m not in love with her any more. All I want is Sam.”
“Then you best do something about it.”
“What the fuck am I supposed to do? I’ve already told you, I don’t know where she is!” I groan helplessly.
“So you’re just going to carry on like this until she comes back?” He responds with scepticism, thanking the waitress when she brings over another drink.
“Carry on like what?”
“Look at the state of you, Zack. You haven’t ate, you haven’t slept. You’re ignoring your fiancé and you’re beating up your brother. How long you think you can behave like this for?”
“Look, I’m sorry about what I did to you. I really am.”
“Forget about it. I’ll get over it so long as you do the right thing now.”
“And how do I do that?”
“You get yourself sorted, you decide what you’re going to do about Rachel and then you concentrate on Sam.”
He makes it sound so simple, as though it’s no big deal at all. My brother seems to have forgotten that this is my actual life we’re talking about. My future happiness depends on this girl, the girl I adore and would give my life for. The girl whose whereabouts I don’t even know.
I drain the remainder of my glass, relishing the numbness that’s taking over from the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed. Aaron leaves me alone to use the bathroom and I find myself gazing out the window, watching the outside world blur before me.
Samantha.
I swear to God I just saw her walk past the window… unless my messed up brain is playing tricks on me. I jump up out of my seat and knock my chair over in the process, shoving people aside as I tear out of the bar onto the busy street.
I glance up and down the walkway, scanning the busy crowd for a glimpse of her. The woman who walked past was with an older lady, she had chocolate brown hair which she wore sleek and straight. I would never have thought the girl to be Samantha but after my brother’s revelation about her changing her hair… I have to know.
There’s a couple of restaurants further down the street and I decide to check them out, certain that Sam would choose to go in one of them over the bar I was sat in. I’ll go inside if I have to and check out every single table. My pride doesn’t give a shit, I’ll do whatever it takes to find her.
The first restaurant is full. There’s a long queue outside the door to get in and I study every single girl in line, desperate for a glimpse of the woman I thought to be her. To no avail, I give up and try the restaurant next door. This one is much quieter and there’s no queue outside. I make my way indoors and shake my head at the seating hostess who greets me with a warm smile.
I peruse the diners, narrowing my eyes in concentration as I scour the entire area. I’m about to give up and leave when I do a double take. There’s a girl in the corner with her back towards me and she’s talking to an older lady just like the one I saw walking past.
I stride over towards them, already rehearsing the apology I’m going to have to make when I realise it’s not Samantha. I reach out and tap the young woman on the shoulder, scarcely able to breathe as I wait for her to turn around.
I inhale sharply when she does, struggling to support my weight as my legs almost give way beneath me. I reach out for her chair to support myself, holding onto it for dear life as I lose my balance, vertigo and confusion taking over.
“Zack?” She whispers softly. “What are you doing here?”
I can’t believe it’s really her. I can’t believe she’s here.
Samantha.