Chapter Fifteen
I’ve been sitting on the bathroom floor for the last thirty minutes. My intention was to run a hot bath, immerse myself in it and try to forget about every single even that took place this evening. I didn’t even make it through my front door before I broke down in tears. I carried my wretched body into the bathroom and collapsed against the wall, falling to the floor in what I can only describe as a hopeless mess.
I’ve refused to acknowledge what happened to me when I was seven years old. It’s always been far too painful for me to admit what happened to myself, let alone to anyone else and I just can’t do it, I cannot allow myself to remember. Not now, not ever.
A loud banging on my front door yanks me out of my reflective and destitute state. I frantically fumble for the handle on the bathroom door so I can pull myself up, certain I no longer have the energy to stand by myself. I glance in the bathroom mirror and wipe away my tears, ignoring the black mascara I only succeed in smearing everywhere.
I’m guessing its Jason who’s demanding I answer the front door, persistently knocking until I surrender and let him in. I still haven’t seen him since Sunday morning when he made that ridiculously inappropriate suggestion to me and I’m sure he’s desperate to apologise and take back his offer. However, that still doesn’t mean I want to talk to him right now or that I want him to see me in this state.
I think about ignoring him. I can always say I was asleep if he decides to tackle me about it later. I just can’t be doing with explaining myself to him right now, or to anyone for that matter.
The sound of my phone ringing is the next disturbance, startling me into action. I hurry into the living room and reach for my phone, groaning when I notice Zack’s name come up across the screen. He’s calling me.
“H-hello.” I answer, struggling to hold the phone against my ear with my trembling hand. “Listen, you can’t phone me right now, Zack. I think Jason’s outside and I really don’t want to speak to him right now.”
“Sam, it’s me outside. I need to talk to you so open up before I break this door down.” He explains patiently, bringing the persistent knocking on my door to a halt.
“You’re the one who’s been banging on my front door?”
“Yes.” He sighs wearily, quickly becoming impatient.
“But why are you here?” I ask, battling to maintain some of my dignity and composure.
“I’m here because I have to speak to you and I’m not going anywhere until you let me in. I’ll camp out here all night if I have to.” He says decidedly.
The fierce tone in his voice is enough to convince me that he’s entirely serious. I dejectedly hang up the phone before bracing myself for the repercussions of our earlier conversation. I know he means what he says, he won’t leave until I talk to him and I owe him that much at least.
“Come in.” I say softly, opening the front door to my apartment.
“Thank you.” He smiles weakly, brushing past me as he enters the living room.
He does a double take when he sees me, observing my dishevelled appearance, swollen eyes and smudged make-up.
“I know I look awful. I really need to start wearing waterproof mascara.” I joke, raking my fingers through my blonde tresses.
“Am I the reason for that? Or is it something else?” He asks, taking a step closer towards me.
“W-what do you mean?” I stammer nervously.
“Look, I came here for some answers and I’m not leaving until you give them to me.”
“I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Zack.” I whisper, side stepping him when he gets too close.
I walk to the other side of the room, anxious to put some distance between us.
“I want to know why you fear your uncle.”
“I… I don’t.” I lie, purposefully keeping my back to him.
“I saw it in your eyes when his name was mentioned and I want to know why. Tell me.” His voice draws nearer until I know he’s right behind me, relentless, unyielding and ruthless in his pursuit.
“I just don’t like him, I never have done.” I try and shrug it off as though it’s no big deal, desperate to convince myself just as much as Zack.
“It’s more than that.”
“Zack, please don’t.”
“Whatever it is… you can tell me. You can trust me, Samantha.”
“Can I?” I ask, whirling around to face him.
“How can you even ask me that?”
“You had sex with my sister last night.” I reply coldly, narrowing my eyes at him. “You made love to her, Zack. You kissed her, touched her and yet you say you have true feelings for me, how can I believe that?”
“If I could erase last night I would! But I’ve already explained to why that happened. I was completely out of it and I swear to God I was already half insane from missing you and being apart for so long. I hadn’t slept, I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t even function without you, Sam. I just needed somebody and I already know how pathetic that makes me but it’s the truth.” He pleads with me, taking my hands in his.
“Ok, let me ask you something. How would you feel? How would you feel if I had sex with someone else last night?” I challenge, narrowing my eyes at him.
He turns white as the hold he has on my wrists tightens.
“Don’t.” He warns me, a dark and sombre tone invading his voice. “It would kill me and you know that. Just the thought of it is enough to crucify me, does that make you happy?”
“No, it doesn’t. I just want you to understand how I feel.” I reply weakly, staring at the floor beneath us.
“I won’t touch her again.” He assures me, using his index finger to tilt my chin up.
“You can’t make me that promise!” I yell in frustration. “You’re not mine!”
“Goddammit I want to be! Have you not be listening to a single thing I’ve told you? Do you really not understand the depth of my feelings? One word from you and I swear I’ll call the engagement off. I’ll do it.” He says firmly, a steely resolve staring back at me.
“And you’re really willing to break her heart?” I ask in astonishment.
“Yes. If that means that I can have you. I would sacrifice anything and anyone to be with you.”
“I don’t want to lose my sister!” I wail, tugging on my hair in torment, ignoring the salty tears that are already threatening to spill over.
“Not necessarily.” He soothes me. “In time she might understand.”
“Are you kidding me? How will she ever be ok with this? How will she ever be ok with us?”
There’s a prolonged silence between us, one which neither one of us are willing to break anytime soon. I want to pull away but the attraction I feel towards him is far too powerful for me to ignore. I ache for this man and crave his touch more than anything in this world. There’s an undeniable, all-consuming force that continues to draw me closer. I can no longer fight it and the truth is… I don’t think I want to.
“There’s something else we need to discuss.” Zack pulls away and gazes down at me, an unwavering and resolute expression on his face.
“What is it?”
I’m fully aware of the subject matter he’s referring to but honestly don’t know if I have the strength to face it head on. Only once have I ever spoke about what happened to me and when I did it was met with so much contempt, disbelief and ridicule… I swore I would never speak about it again.
“Your Uncle. You need to tell me the truth about him, Sam.”
“Why?” I whisper softly, struggling to control the tremors coursing through my body.
“Because what I’ve got in my head is so terrible and so dark, I need to know it isn’t true.”
“And what’s in your head?” I ask him, almost wanting him to say the words so I won’t have to.
“The hideous possibility that he might have hurt you.” He practically growls, a dark shadow crossing over his face, turning his brown eyes an unsettling shade of black.
“H-he.” I stammer helplessly, emotionally and physically unable to say the words.
“Tell me.” He urges, stroking my cheek with the pad of his thumb.
“I can’t.”
“Baby, you can. No matter how horrible it is… you can tell me.”
“It was sixteen years ago, do you know how long ago that is?” I breathe in deeply, frantically trying to find the internal strength to continue.
“It doesn’t matter when it was. I need to know.” Zack persists, obstinately refusing to let this go.
I close my eyes, willing the unwanted thoughts and images to leave my mind. It’s been eleven years since I spoke about this and I swore when I was twelve that I would never tell another living soul.
Not after what she did.
“It was after my father died. Harry stayed with us for a while, helping my mum with the funeral arrangements and being there to support the rest of us. He had always been much closer with Rachel than he was with me and that’s why I was so surprised when he started paying me so much attention. I was seven years old and he made me feel so special. He was always telling me how pretty I was and how cute I looked in my new outfits. He said I was his blonde haired angel.” I pause for breath, knowing the hard part has only just begun.
“Go on.” Zack runs his fingers through my hair, instantly providing me with comfort and composure.
“I was flattered. I was grieving for my father and desperately missing the father figure I had always relied upon in my life. I was desperate for some sort of attention since he passed away and my mother never seemed to have any time for me as a child. It became even more apparent after my father died and that’s why I was in awe of Harry, he was handsome, successful, younger and charismatic. He made me feel so cherished and… safe.” I stop talking and move over towards the window, gazing out at the empty car park beyond the glass.
I can’t look at him when I say this. I just can’t.
“What did he do?”
I can feel Zack’s presence coming up behind me as he approaches, forcing me to sidestep him as I cross to the other side of the room.
“Please don’t touch me.” I beg him, scrambling to put distance between his body and mine.
“Shh. It’s ok, I’m not going to touch you.” He holds his hands up in surrender, assuring me he means me no harm.
“What I’m about to tell you can never leave this room, Zack. Ever. You have to promise me that you will never tell anyone and I truly mean that.”
“Samantha…” He trails off, leaning back against the wall behind him.
“If you don’t promise me, I won’t tell you.”
He pauses, weighing up the request I’m forcing him to adhere to.
“I promise.” He replies reluctantly.
I nod my head in acknowledgement, mentally preparing myself to retell what happened.
“It was the night before he was due to leave. We were in the house alone, my younger brother was staying over at a friend’s house and I’m not sure where my mum was with Rachel. I had been asleep for a while and woke up when I heard someone fall over, as though they had tripped on something. He fell onto the bed and… he started to touch me. He told me to be quiet. He said I was his good little girl and that I would get a reward if I just let him do what he wanted. I was absolutely terrified, my whole body froze and I couldn’t understand why any of it was happening to me. I kept blinking in the darkness, praying to all of the angels in heaven to wake me up from my nightmare.” I stop talking, needing a moment to process the things I just told him, details which I’ve never told anyone before.
“No.” Zack murmurs to himself, shaking his head. “No, no, no, no, no.” He continues to repeat himself, pacing back and forth as he roughly drags his fingers across his face.
“He didn’t rape me, Zack. He was far too clever for that. He… he inserted his fingers inside of me and that’s why I can’t bear that to ever happen to me again. It’s why I wouldn’t let you do it when we spent our first night together in the hotel.” I confess, remembering the confusion on Zack’s face that night.
He didn’t understand why I was so against him pleasuring me in that way. At least now I hope my twisted revelation will explain my reasons why.
“My God... I had no idea. Baby, I’m so sorry… I don’t know what to say…fuck! How the hell has that monster been allowed to get away with it for all these years? How did no one notice? Why did they leave you alone with him? What the fuck was your mother playing at?!” He roars, clenching his fists in fury.
“Zack, please.” I whisper, attempting to calm him.
“All these years you’ve carried the weight of that around by yourself. All these years you’ve been suffering, torturing yourself about what happened and to know that you went through this alone… to know that you didn’t have anyone to confide in...” His voice fades as he trails off, unable to finish his sentence.
“I did.” I murmur softly, closing my eyes.
“What?” He asks incredulously, glaring at me from across the room.
“I did confide in someone.” I admit, fighting the sudden urge I have to let it all out and break down in tears. “I told my mum.”
“When?” He demands, striding over towards me, invading my personal space as he grabs hold of my shoulders.
“When I was twelve. I just couldn’t do it anymore, I couldn’t keep it to myself for a moment longer and it all just tumbled out of me. I told her everything, Zack. I opened up to her in a way I never had done before and never will again.”
“What did she say?”
“Nothing. She remained silent for the longest time, I actually thought she hadn’t heard me.”
“Tell me, Sam.”
“She looked at me with those cold eyes of hers, narrowing them in disgust and contempt. She only spoke one word to me and after that we never discussed it again.” I inhale sharply, recalling the venomous way in which she treated me that day and every day ever since.
“What did she say to you?” He urges me to continue, stroking his fingertips through my hair.
“Liar.”
“What?” He whispers, pulling back from me so he can look into my eyes, disbelief and rage taking over his tone.
“She called me a liar and turned her back on me. She walked away and neither one of us has mentioned it ever since.”
“I don’t believe this. You actually told her what that cunt of an uncle did to you and she called you a liar? That fucking bitch.” He snarls venomously, turning red with fury.
“Zack, please! This is the last thing I need to hear from you right now.” I plead with him, clinging onto him to stop him storming out my front door.
“Jesus… what a witch she is. I always knew she was a cold-hearted bitch but I had no idea she would do something as twisted as that, especially to her own daughter. It was her job to protect you and she failed. You deserve so much better than her, Sam.”
“I know all of this, Zack. I realised what sort of woman she is a long time ago and she can’t hurt me anymore, not now.” I say resolvedly, folding my arms across my chest in an attempt to protect myself.
“You know you don’t need her, right? You know you don’t need a poisonous thing like that in your life.” He assures me, prising me out of my own embrace so he can take over instead.
“I found out what she was like a very long time ago, you don’t need to remind me.”
“God, I’m so sorry.” He apologises sincerely, looking wretched and entirely helpless. “What the fuck am I supposed to say? I have no idea what to say to you, Sam. How do I make this right?”
“It’s fine.” I shrug evasively, trying to pretend that none of this is tormenting the depth of my soul.
“No, it’s not fine. None of this is fine! You were sexually abused by your uncle, let down and abandoned by your mother and… then there’s me.” He mumbles quietly, lowering his gaze to the floor beneath us.
“You?” I ask in confusion.
“I’m someone who hurt you just like they did. I’ve let you down, broke your heart and caused you to feel pain. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that I’m one of the people who has made you suffer.”
He sounds so distraught and so tortured by his guilt that I can’t help reaching out for him, instantly wanting to soothe his pain.
“Zack, don’t you dare compare yourself to them. You have not hurt me like they did, ok? And I don’t ever want you to say that to me again, do you understand me?” I force him to look at me, grabbing hold of his chin firmly.
“But I have hurt you, Sam. You said it yourself.” He mumbles to himself, almost inaudibly.
“It’s different! Harry deliberately hurt me and my mum deliberately chose to turn her back on me.” I hesitate, noticing the unshed tears in his eyes, threatening to fall. “You didn’t want to hurt me at all. I know that’s never been your intention, Zack.”
“I want to kill him.” He growls, yanking himself free from my grasp. “I physically want to strangle the fucking life out of that piece of shit for what he did to you.”
“You can’t.” I reply calmly, instantly deciding that I will never allow Zack get his hands on my uncle.
Never.
No way am I losing him because of that lowlife, it’s not going to happen.
“Why the hell not?” He barks fiercely, glowering at me with bitterness.
“Because no one can know. Ever.”
“Samantha, you have to tell someone. We can’t keep this to ourselves.” He argues, trying to reason with me.
“I don’t have a choice. It’s been so long, Zack. It’s been sixteen years since it happened, who the hell is going to believe me now?”
“The police! They’ll be able to see that you’re telling them the truth and they will make sure you get justice. I’ll damn well make sure of it.” He states resolutely.
“If you really want to help me right now then you will keep this to yourself, just for now, Zack. Please.” I beg him, closing the narrow space between us by taking a step towards him.
“Ok.” He eventually concedes, sighing wearily.
“Thank you.” I whisper softly.
“But no way is that sick fuck coming anywhere near you. He will not set foot in this country, I promise you.”
“Zack, you can’t stop him. My mum has already decided that she wants him to give Rachel away at the wedding, we don’t have the power to stop her. Once she gets an idea in her head… she’s relentless.”
“It’s not going to happen.” He responds simply, absolutely certain.
“You don’t know my mother. She knows how to manipulate people and how to get her own way, that’s clearly what she’s done with Rachel.”
“Does Rachel or anyone else besides your so called mother know about this? Please don’t tell me that Rachel knows about what he did to you and still agreed to him coming anywhere near you.”
“She doesn’t know.” I tell him, taking a seat on the sofa behind me. “I could never find the strength to confide in her, especially after the reaction I got from my mum.”
“So what does she know?” He asks, kneeling down in front of me.
“Rachel knows I don’t like him and she knows that he makes me uneasy but that’s about it. That’s the reason why she looked so guilty when my mum made the announcement about him coming over for the wedding, she knew I would be uncomfortable with it.”
“I don’t believe this. I don’t want to believe any of it.” He hands his head and takes hold of my hands, cradling them in his.
“Zack, there’s something I need to know. H-how can you still want to be with me after you know about the baby?” I ask him, struggling to understand how he has yet to judge me for my decision.
Of course I’m referring to the baby I aborted five years ago, the child I still carry with me inside my soul. The nameless, faceless baby I cherished from the very start, the unborn child I fell in love with but was too terrified to keep.
“Sweetheart…” He sighs wearily, tightening the grip he has on my clasped hands. “You were faced with an agonising decision in a hopeless situation and you need to stop punishing yourself for the circumstances you found yourself in as an eighteen year old girl. The day you forgive yourself is the day you will find peace and accept what happened as a tragic part of your life. You don’t have the power to change now and you need to move forward from that sadness and if you let me... I would love to be the one to help you.”
My tears are uncontrollable as they fall down my face. Never in my life have I received compassion like this from another human being and for the first time in my entire life, I actually feel accepted. Zack makes me feel safe and that’s an unfamiliar and disconcerting emotion for me to be experiencing.
“God, Zack. How the hell are we going to get through this?” I wail, removing my hands from his grasp as I tug on my hair in despair.
“I have no idea but I know we can. Together, we can do anything.” He assures me, forcing my gaze back towards his.
“This is such a mess.”
“How do I make this better? How can I make this better for you? Tell me, Samantha. I’m willing to do anything.”
“I know you are.”
“So tell me. Tell me what you need, baby. I want to make this go away for you, all of it.”
I hesitate for a moment, contemplating all the ways he could fix what is wrong with me and everything that has been wrong with me from the very start. There’s only one idea that springs to mind. It’s entirely inappropriate and what I mean by that is all I want is him. Pure and simple, he’s all I want.
Right here, right now.
“I can’t say it.”
“You can tell me anything, you know that, Sam. What is it? What is it you need?”
“You. I need you.”
He continues to stare at me, trying to decipher exactly what it is I mean. A sudden realisation passes over him and he nods gently. He knows.
“Turn around and face the wall behind you.” He directs me, moving back to give me the space to move.
I do as he asks without question, knowing he has this under control and will take care of me. I trust him implicitly and understand that although I have no idea what is yet to come, he will be the only one who will keep me safe, the only one who has my best interests at heart.
“What now?”
“Take your clothes off.”
I follow his instructions and remove my clothing, standing naked with my back to him as I tremble slightly. I inhale sharply when I feel the palm of his hand gently press against the centre of my spine, pushing me forward. I hold my hands out to support my weight on the sofa, bent over at the waist as I feel his scorching gaze on my body.
“Open your legs.” He demands, waiting for me to comply. “More.” He states firmly, encouraging me to be even more brazen than I already am in this position.
I’m breathing heavily as I arch my back, spreading my thighs as I lower my chest. Never in my life have I been exposed to someone like this. I’m willing, open and aroused beyond belief. The evidence of my excitement must be apparent to him as I can feel the moisture from myself trickling down my thighs. In any other circumstance I would be mortified and self-conscious, finding it impossible to believe that I would allow myself to be seen like this.
“Fuck, you’re so wet for me. Look at that little pussy begging to be tasted.”
“Zack…” I moan powerlessly, squirming in discomfort as I physically ache for his touch.
“What is it you want, baby? Do you want me to touch you?”
He deliberately tortures me by evading my movements, taking a step back when I circle my hips. This angers me more than I can explain and I practically whimper in frustration.
“Yes!”
“Beg me.”
“Please, Zack. Please give me what I want from you, what I need. You have no idea how desperate I am for you. Please don’t do this to me.”
“Shh.” He soothes me. “I’m going to take care of you, I’m going to give you exactly what your body craves.”
I hear a noise behind me as he changes his position, heightening my curiosity even further. I’m just about to ask him what he’s going to do when I feel his strong hands on me. They grab the inside of my thighs, wrenching them apart before his tongue eagerly finds its way between my legs. I moan loudly, delighting in this indescribable sensation this provides me, curling my hands into fists as I gently rock back and forth against him.
A deep, masculine groan is released from the back of his throat as he continues to feast on the scorching centre of my core. His tongue is mesmerising as it brings me to the very brink of ecstasy and then pulls back. His merciless torment is addictive and I find myself divided, equally wanting to find my release as well as wanting to hold back. I’m so desperate to prologue this moment between us, I never want it to end.
“God, you’re soaking. You’re pussy is dripping wet for me, Samantha. You want this… you need this just as much as I do.”
“Yes, yes! God… yes, please don’t stop, Zack.”
He plunges his tongue all the way inside me, gently spreading me with his fingers so he gain more access. My thighs begin to tremble as I struggle to stay standing, frantically grasping the sofa beneath me. My hips start to rotate as I thrust myself back against his face, enjoying the exhilaration and power this illicit position ignites inside of me.
I yelp loudly when one of Zack’s hands grabs my ass, using it as leverage to force me onto his tongue. It’s completely buried all the way inside of me as he devours the warm juices my body releases. Being eaten from behind like this makes me feel so wanton, bold and uninhibited. It’s as though he’s allowing me to let go, to forget about all the misconceptions I’ve ever had about relationships, sex and even my own sexuality. He’s somehow managed to free me from myself, judgement and my own scathing contempt.
Before this I felt vulnerable, exposed, and victimised. I had been reminded of the past to such an extent that I almost felt like I was reliving it but now… now I am full of an exhilarating exuberance which only heightens the sensuality coursing through my veins. Zack has miraculously succeeded in his quest by reversing our roles. I no longer want to weep for the fragile, broken victim I have always believed myself to be.
You can be whoever you want to be. My subconscious states boldly, refusing to be ignored.
As my orgasm draws near, my self-belief increases, encouraging me to believe the internal statement I just heard to be true. I can be whoever and whatever I choose and no one from my past gets to decide who or what that is, especially not a dark and twisted monster like Harry. For the first time in my entire life I am certain that when I look back on my life several years from now, he will play no part in it. I’m not about to give him that power.
Never again.
As Zack’s mouth continues to make love to me, I completely allow myself to let go. I free myself from the chains which have kept me shackled and tied to the past for so long. I break free from them and make a conscious decision within myself to never crawl back into the darkness. Sometimes, we actually convince ourselves that the darkness is our friend, that nobody can touch us if we remain in the shadows. We believe that the monsters actually can’t see us if we remain hidden and none of this is true.
There’s a great and wonderful world outside just waiting for you to uncover it, its waiting for you to step outside, feel the sunshine on your skin and bask in the glory of a universe that was created for you. Your life, your hopes and your aspirations. Do not make the mistake of letting the shadows from you past cloud the vision that you have for your future. Too much time we spend in sorrow, sadness and regret, ignoring the hope that runs alongside tomorrow and the possibility of growth, progression and wisdom.
I am suddenly wrenched back to the present as my body explodes around him. A searing, ferocious heat consumes my very being as I close my eyes, finally granting myself the privilege of being owned by this man. My saviour. The one who saw through my façade and deliberately smashes through each and every wall I have built around myself. In him there is a recognition. It’s an undeniable force that is calling me to him, a force so supreme and compelling I cannot run from it again.
Never.