CHAPTER TEN
Allison
He left. He crowded my space the whole time he’d been here, and then, like a light switch being turned off, he walked out the door. To say I was confused would have been an understatement and more shit on top of that, I was thoroughly shaken at how he made me feel.
His scent still continued to invade my nose. I wanted to hate it, but instead, I found comfort in it. When he’d first forced his way into this house, he’d had a lingering scent of cigarette smoke wafting off of him, but I’d yet to see him actually smoke. I wondered why that was.
He’d kept his eyes on me the entire time he’d been there. I loved it and I hated it. And I hated that I loved it more than anything.
To put it bluntly, Axe shook me to my core. He ignited a fire inside of me. I found myself turned on when I knew I shouldn’t. I found myself wanting this beautiful stranger when I should have been building more walls and figuring out how I could get him away from me and Neiryn.
He left, and I felt a loneliness deep inside. I couldn’t help that I missed him, no matter how hard I tried to push the feeling away.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I turned my attention to Neiryn. He was my son and I’d just turned his life upside down and taken him on the run. He didn’t seem phased by it though. The only time I could tell that he was uneasy, was at night. He didn’t sleep for shit in that pen and that meant I didn’t either. I wanted to ease his fear, only I didn’t have the first clue as to what to do.
And let me tell you, that sucked. As a mother, I wanted nothing more than to protect my son and comfort his every worry. I felt like a failure on so many levels.
One, I’d brought him into this life even knowing my situation was one of the worst ones a person could be in.
Two, I’d stayed that long with the Devil pulling my strings, or beating me into submission, rather.
Three, I’d put him in more danger because I had fled.
I was caught between a rock and a hard place. It seemed to be the exact spot I’d lived in for the last seven years. I wanted to keep my family safe, mainly my mother, and so I took every blow he had to offer. I took every punishment he dealt.
But I think I finally broke when I started to have visions that my son could become his father. That was when I knew I had to get out. I had to save Neiryn’s little soul before it was too late. It didn’t matter if I ended up dead at the end of this. It only mattered that Neiryn was free.
Then Axe walked in and I lost my shit. I wanted to push away how much he affected me, but I couldn’t. It was all confusing. While I wanted so desperately for him to touch me, I shouldn’t have. Especially the way he went about it.
He was dominant and overpowering. He closed in on my space when I tried my best to push him away. He broke me down and pulled at the unraveling threads of my heart.
Every encounter I’d had before him had revolted me—had been brutally forced on me. And I think that was what scared me the most, Axe was forceful. He pushed his way through, but he did it knowing I wanted it.
My life was fucked up and the whole situation was beyond in need of therapy.
I wondered what he would do if he knew everything about me. The secret that was like a wall between us suddenly seemed like the thing that held us in the dance that we were in. If I told him, would he pull back? Would he feel bad about the way he treated me?
The thing was, I didn’t want him to pull away. I didn’t want things to change between us. And the longer the clock ticked on, I wanted him to break me down and make me his. I was desperate to know how he would own my body. Strange as it was, I wanted his mark on me and I knew deep down that mark wouldn’t come lightly.
When the door opened and he walked in, his stride was like he owned the damn place, I felt my shoulders sag with relief. I mean, I knew he said he was coming back, but the way he just up and left, I had my doubts.
I made dinner like nothing had even happened. In fact, I loved the way he offered to play with Neiryn while I made myself busy putting something together I had hoped he would enjoy. I found myself wanting to please him, wanting to make him happy.
I knew he wanted to break me down but in return, I wanted to do the same to him. I’d caught glimpses of the crack in his armor. Just a few short days spent with him and I felt like I knew him, at least the outer layer of him.
He talked like he was shooting the shit, his tone not giving away anything of how he was feeling. But if you watched his face, you would know it all. You could tell when he was being sarcastic, or if he was surprised, or even if he was confused. I could tell by looking in his eyes that he already had a softness for me and my son. What I wanted to do with that, well, I wasn’t really sure.
The thing that hit me hard in the gut was that when I took a moment to myself, I could see more. I maybe had pictured what it would be like to have a life with Axe. And don’t get me wrong, I was under no illusion it would be easy.
First, he was an Enforcer for a motorcycle club and I knew too much about what that meant to really be able to bury my head in the sand. He was dark and when his club needed him to be, he was deadly.
Second, he had issues. I wasn’t sure if it was something beyond what I thought I could handle, but whatever it was, it had a clenching hold on his soul.
I didn’t know anything about the man but for some reason, I felt compelled to ease his burdens. I just wished I knew what they were.
It seemed crazy and I wondered if maybe I wasn’t so desperate for something good in my life that I was clinging to the first glimmer of hope that came along.
We ate in silence and I could tell there was something weighing on his mind. In my head, I knew that after I put Neiryn down to sleep there would be no more hiding. Tonight, he would push me, whether it was because he wanted to or not.
I forced the food down, the answers to all the questions he might ask played in my head. I wondered if it would just be better for me to blurt everything out at once before he had the chance to open his mouth, or would it be best to let him take the lead.
I bathed Neiryn, trying to drag it out as long as possible, but when his eyes started to grow heavy I knew that I couldn’t put it off any longer.
I put Neiryn down, lingering longer than I needed to, just watching his body fall heavy as he fell asleep. More than anything, I wanted to pick him up and take him to bed with me. I wanted him to know that I was there with him all night, that I would always be there for him. But when it came to Axe, I knew I couldn’t use that as an excuse, even if it was honestly the only thing I wanted to do.
My bare feet hit the cool hardwood of the first floor and my legs felt suddenly shaky. Inside, I wanted to break down. I wanted to tell him everything and have him protect me from the world. Unfortunately, I had no idea that he would do that. If I told anyone the things I’d been through, I imagined they would only run and I couldn’t blame them for that. Heck, I wanted to run away from it all. Only I couldn’t, because I was me and it had all happened to me.
I started to think that I wasn’t even worth loving, that I was too damaged. Why would anyone want me when there were other women out there far less messed up than me?
“Come here,” his flat tone commanded and like a traitor, my feet followed.
Once I was close enough for him to touch me, he reached out and pulled me down. I landed with an awkward plop onto the couch beside him. The heaviness of what was about to transpire hung thick in the air. He was only doing what he needed to for his club, and while I realized that, it didn’t make it any easier. I, on the other hand, was only holding back to protect my son.
His long fingers encircled my wrist, adding just enough pressure to make me feel uneasy but not scared.
“What are you running from?” His question didn’t come as a surprise but I’d hoped I could have a minute before he went for the kill. “There is something going on. I want to trust you, but I can’t until you give me something. It’s not a safe time in my world and I’m having a hard time with this.”
His honesty threw me for a loop but I appreciated it. Instead of saying anything, I waited for him to finish because I could tell that he was sifting through his thoughts and he wasn’t done.
“I don’t know what the fuck is going on,” he said keeping his voice low and even, “but I have to know. I can’t protect you…and Lil man, if I don’t know what I’m up against.”
Sure, that made sense, but that didn’t mean that it would be easy for me to open up about my past. It was ugly and fresh, and I was still raw from the whole thing. Really, I wondered if there would ever be a time when I would feel okay. A time when I wouldn’t feel disgusted by the things that had been done to me. I could only imagine the pity and repulsion I’d see in his eyes after I was done telling him my sordid tale.
But like a traitor, my mouth opened and my brain pushed the words out.
“You’re right, I’m on the run. I’m hiding from a very bad man. My…” I couldn’t bring myself to say the word husband out loud, and even as I thought it, I felt like I was going to be sick. So I glossed over it, skipping the word completely and moving on. “He isn’t a good man. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and I took Neiryn and ran. I feared that if I stayed, my son would either end up dead or a monster, like his father.”
That was just the tip of the iceberg. The past seven years had been pure hell. Every single day I woke wishing that I hadn’t. I prayed for death so many times I’d lost count. I couldn’t deny that I wasn’t normal.
Once upon a time, I had been. I’d been an easy going girl without a care in the world. I had a home with two parents. I had friends and ambitions. I had goals and a hopeful outlook for my future.
Bringing my focus to Axe, I felt a shudder creep down my spine. I wanted him to be my savior, my protector, but I was under no illusion that once he knew the whole story he would be so willing to do so.
I knew what his club was going through. I knew the things that had happened. I knew the monster he was up against.
Because it was my monster too.
In that moment, I was so desperate to keep my freedom that I saw no other option but to keep parts of my past hidden. Burke had been right all along, none of them could ever know.
A strange ache tingled inside my chest and I knew that whatever chemistry I had with Axe would never amount to anything. I had to do my best to push him away. I had to give him just enough to realize that I wasn’t a threat. He had to go.
So I closed my eyes, brought back the memories from the beginning, and told him the story that I knew would make him repulsed by me.