Fourteen
Even though I told my sister I’d be okay, I didn’t sleep well. I didn’t like knowing Tyler had come by our apartment. I knew how he could get, especially when he didn’t get his way. Tyler was all about control. He always had been.
I was tired when I woke up, but I went to my nine a.m. class and battled through it with a large cup of coffee. It was over at ten and by eleven I found myself at O’Leary’s. I didn’t work the lunch shift often. Once a week maybe. It was very different than in the evening. During the day, it was a stop for lunch by businessmen and tourists. At night, it was more of a hotspot for locals to watch the game. The tips weren’t as good during the day, but I was okay with that. It was calmer and that’s what I needed right now.
The bar was almost empty when I walked in. I knew that would change this evening, but for now, I was grateful for the quiet that wasn’t always the case at the pub. I tied on my apron and went about straightening my section, making sure the salt and pepper shakers were filled and the ketchup bottles were full. I had already been on the clock for a bit when my first table came in, two men in business suits. They didn’t engage much in small talk. I could tell they were discussing work and only spoke to me in short, quick phrases. They left a twenty-percent tip though so I must’ve done something right. It picked up after that. My section was full within the hour and I kept glancing at the clock, anxious for it to reach four. Gabe had texted in the morning and we’d chosen a seven o’clock movie. We’d decided on a comedy. I figured that was safe. It was something light and that would be perfect. I still had two hours to go though and I hoped the time would pass quickly.
I was clearing the dishes from one of my tables when I heard the door open. I was closest to it so I looked up to seat the customers, but I felt sick the moment I locked eyes with Tyler. He smiled at me and I just stood there, staring at him.
“Sam,” he said gently, coming towards me and I felt myself step back. That didn’t stop him though and a second later he was so close I could smell the cologne I’d come to know so well.
“You shouldn’t be here, Tyler. This is my work,” I said, trying to keep my cool, but I could feel my heart flying in my chest. I didn’t want him here. I didn’t want him anywhere near me.
“Did Rachel tell you I came by last night?”
“Yes, she did. You shouldn’t have done that.”
“I just want to talk to you.”
“I’ve told you already. We have nothing to talk about.”
“C’mon, Sam. We can’t keep doing this. I messed up.”
“I told you, Tyler. We’re done,” I said quietly. “There’s no more talking. Just…just go and leave me alone.”
I watched as his jaw clenched. I recognized that face all too well.
“I can’t accept that. I told you I’m sorry. We can get past this,” he said and I froze when I felt his hand gripping my arm.
Those words…they were so familiar. My stomach felt sick just hearing them. I closed my eyes, trying to push the nausea down. I kept hearing the words in my mind. I can’t accept that. We can get past this. I can’t accept that. We can get past this. I felt short of breath then and I imagined his fingers around my neck squeezing. The picture in my mind was like a video buffering. It wasn’t clear. I could see bits and pieces. I could hear snippets of something, but I couldn’t figure out what it was, but when I opened my eyes, I was shaking.
“Why are you always so difficult?” he said quietly. I looked down at his fingers curled around my skin.
“Is everything okay over here, Sam?” I looked over to see Rick, standing at my side. Tyler’s grip loosened, but I was still shaken.
“I was just leaving,” Tyler said, but I could tell by the way he was looking at me, this conversation wasn’t over.
He turned and walked out of the pub, but I couldn’t take my eyes off the door, afraid he’d come back.
“Are you okay?” I finally looked away from the door and turned to Rick.
“Yeah,” I said softly, trying to compose myself.
“Isn’t that your boyfriend?” he asked and I shook my head.
“Ex,” I said and I could see the concern on my co-worker’s face.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked again and I nodded.
“Yeah. Thanks for coming over, Rick.” I continued clearing the plates. I knew he wanted to say something more, but I left to take them to the kitchen before he could.
I dropped the plates in the sink and then excused myself to the bathroom. I went into a stall, leaning against the wall. I could feel myself trembling. There were tears in my eyes. I couldn’t shake the images that had flashed through my mind as Tyler held onto me. It felt so real. The fear had felt so real, even though I couldn’t see the pictures clearly. I couldn’t remember any of it, but everything inside of me told me it had been real, even if my mind had locked it away.
“Get yourself together, Sam,” I whispered to myself, taking in a deep breath as I tried to calm the pounding in my chest. My customers were probably wondering where I’d disappeared to and my boss wouldn’t be happy either. Tyler had already taken so much from me. I couldn’t let him take this from me too.
I took another deep breath, wiped my eyes, and tried to push the fear away as I stepped back into the dining room.
~~~
Four o’clock seemed like it would never come. I just wanted to get back to the apartment, but when it was time to clock out, I found myself afraid to step outside and make the walk home. I didn’t know where Tyler was and part of me expected him to be outside waiting for me. I stepped out, looking both ways and then started walking quickly, keeping my eyes open for Tyler, who’d proven he enjoyed showing up out of nowhere.
I made it home though and I hadn’t seen Tyler. I didn’t relax though until I was in the apartment and the door was locked. It was quiet when I got home. I was glad to see Rachel’s door was closed and I could hear the white noise from the fan she always turned on when she was sleeping. I was glad she wasn’t awake. She already worried enough about me and if she knew Tyler had shown up at the pub, she’d flip. She wouldn’t know about him coming by and she wouldn’t know about the images I’d seen in my head, even though I still didn’t know what it meant myself. I just knew it’d scared the hell out of me.
It was 4:15 when I got home and Gabe would be coming at five. I still had to shower and get myself ready and I didn’t have a lot of time. I stripped out of my clothes in the bathroom and as I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes went instantly to the small purple bruise on my arm. I hadn’t thought his grip had been tight enough to leave a mark, but apparently, it had. I couldn’t look at myself any longer and I started the shower.
I wasn’t in long and once out, I went to my room to get dressed. Unlike last night, I knew this was a date. It had to be after the way Gabe had kissed me. I tried remembering that feeling instead of Tyler’s grip on my arm as I looked through my closet, finally deciding on a pair of jeans and one of my favorite sweaters. I put some mousse in my hair and crunched it with my fingers until loose, dark waves hung down my back. I put on some makeup and after I brushed my teeth, it was just before five.
I sat on the couch, waiting for Gabe to come. I was nervous. I wasn’t nervous to see Gabe, but I was still shaken by what had happened. He couldn’t know though. I couldn’t let him see this.
The sound of the buzzer drew me back from my thoughts. I smiled when I heard his voice through the speaker.
“It’s Gabe.”
“On my way down,” I said and I grabbed my coat and scarf, turning out the lights and heading downstairs. Gabe was waiting for me with a smile on his face and I couldn’t help but smile too.
“Hey,” he said once I was outside. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, but he leaned in and greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. “How’s it going?” he asked once he’d pulled away.
“Good,” I told him, hoping he couldn’t see through my lie as we started walking toward the T stop. “How ‘bout you? Did you enjoy your day off?”
“Yeah. I slept in and then went to my grandparents’ house to help my grandfather fix his snow blower.”
“Are we expecting snow? It’s not even Thanksgiving,” I said, thinking it was too early for any big storms.
“No, but he always wants to be ready. He grew up in the desert and he still takes New England winters very seriously,” Gabe said with a laugh. “He actually goes around the neighborhood taking care of everybody. He lives for winter.”
“Sounds like a good guy,” I said.
“He’s the best,” he told me and when I looked at him, there was a smile on his face. I didn’t expect the envy I felt looking at him, but it came. I’d never known what it was like to have a family like he did and I wondered if he understood how lucky he was.
We grabbed the T a few minutes later and headed towards Boston Common. There was a Japanese restaurant Gabe said he wanted me to try and after stuffing ourselves with sushi, we walked the short distance to the movie theater. Even though we were full, Gabe purchased a tub of popcorn for us to share and we each got a drink before finding our seats. It didn’t take long for the movie to start and halfway through the show, he reached over and laced his fingers with mine. I looked down at our fingers. His skin was so dark compared to my pale hands, but I liked the way they looked together and I’d forgotten how nice it could feel to simply hold hands with someone else. There were a lot of feelings Gabe was reminding me about.
When the movie ended, we found ourselves outside and when Gabe took my hand and started leading me towards Boston Common, I didn’t protest. We stopped by a coffee shop, each of us getting a cup of hot chocolate before heading back outside. It was a cold night, but not unbearably so. That usually waited until January or February and I knew neither of us minded the cold as we entered the park. It was late and there weren’t a lot of people around. I wasn’t afraid though. I was with Gabe and with him I always felt safe. I had since I woke up in his arms that night. I hadn’t known what was happening to me, all I knew was that the voice whispering in my ear and the arms holding me made me think I might be alright. It had been instant and every time I was with him, it only grew stronger.
“I like coming here in the summer,” he said as we walked and then he took my gloved hand and I wished the weather hadn’t forced us to cover them up. “I can’t believe it’s already almost Thanksgiving. The snow will be here before we know it.”
“I know,” I agreed.
“Do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?” he asked and I could tell he was apprehensive about asking me.
“No. I volunteered to work at the pub. Great tips that day with all the football games being played,” I said with a laugh.
“No turkey dinner or anything?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “I’ve never done much on Thanksgiving.”
I hoped he wouldn’t ask me anymore questions about it. Holidays had never meant much as a kid. Before Tim, we barely recognized the holiday, but once my mother married him, she would throw together a turkey dinner, but all I remember is having to sit at the table watching Tim slop the food into his mouth, bits and pieces falling and catching in his mustache. After dinner, he’d drink and then the usual nighttime rituals would ensue where Rachel and I went to our bedroom while he beat the crap out of our mother over something ridiculous, like the gravy having too many lumps or the turkey being too dry. It didn’t make sense, but then again, life with Tim never made sense.
“What about you? Any plans?” I asked him.
“I’m working too. Holiday pay is good and my mom always saves me a plate,” he said with a quiet laugh and it grew quiet for a little bit. We continued walking as we sipped our drinks and then found ourselves by the pond. There was an open bench and we sat down, side by side as we looked out into the water, the lights from the surrounding lamps and the moon overhead reflecting off of it. It was peaceful and I found myself moving closer to Gabe until our legs touched. He didn’t seem to mind because he put his arm around me and we sat in silence, sipping on our hot chocolate.
“How was work today?” he eventually asked me.
“It was fine,” I answered, but my mind drifted to Tyler and I could still feel his grip on my arm. Lately he felt like a ghost following me. I couldn’t get away from him no matter how hard I tried. “How about you?”
“Just another day,” he said, but I could hear by his tone that it probably hadn’t been. “Thankfully I’m not on patrol tomorrow and will be working on reports all day. I need a break,” he sighed and I debated for a moment whether to ask him about it. I thought maybe I shouldn’t, but before I could make that decision, he’d made it for me. “I sometimes wonder about this world, Sam. I try to see the good in it. I try and look past the constant barrage of bad news, but sometimes you can’t look past it. This world of ours, it’s messed up.”
“It is,” I agreed and it grew quiet for a few seconds.
“There’s some good though,” he said, turning his head so our eyes met. “Like right now. This moment with you.” A soft smile formed on his face and I couldn’t help but return the smile. After today, I needed that smile. “I’ve had a really good time with you tonight,” he continued and then paused. “It seems like I always have a good time with you, Sam.”
“Me too,” I answered truthfully. I couldn’t recall a time like this. That the simple act of being with someone brought me such contentment.
He looked into my eyes and I felt my lips begin to ache. I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss me like he did last night, a kiss that consumed me and made me forget about everything but him.
I felt his hand on my cheek, his fingertips brushing gently over my skin. His eyes focused on my mouth then. He wanted to kiss me too. I knew he did and I felt myself inch slowly toward him, encouraging him to do so. He came closer to me too, my heart pounding the closer he got. His lips were almost on mine when he stopped, our lips hovering so close I could feel his warm breath on my skin. I could hardly take the anticipation and I didn’t want to wait. I pushed my lips to his, the feeling of it so perfect it almost hurt. He responded eagerly, his mouth moving gently over mine, his arms wrapping around me as our tongues danced together. I was lost in him, in this moment and I never wanted to wake up from what was obviously the dream I was in. Slowly though, he began to ease away. We were both breathless and he smiled at me.
“I’ve been wanting to do that all night,” he said softly.
“I’m glad you finally did,” I answered and then he smiled again, leaning in and kissing me once more.
~~~
It was nearly eleven o’clock by the time we found ourselves back at the front stoop of my apartment. Gabe looked tired. I knew he probably was. There was no way he wasn’t. I couldn’t imagine his job was an easy one. I knew there were stressors he carried around inside him, but since I’d known him, he’d never let on that he harbored anything.
“Thank you for tonight, Gabe,” I said as we stood on the stoop.
“Of course,” he said and it grew quiet again as I looked up into his eyes. “Can I call you tomorrow?” he asked and I nodded.
“I have class till one, but I’m free after that.”
“No O’Leary’s?”
“No. I’m off,” I told him and he smiled, brushing his fingertips over my cheek and I could feel myself wishing he would kiss me. My head was still spinning from our kiss in the park.
“I’ll call you then.” His voice was quiet and I felt my heart beat faster as he leaned in closer. I closed my eyes, waiting to feel his lips on mine again.
“What the hell is this?”
The voice jarred me back into reality. It cut like a knife through the peace I’d found in Gabe’s arms and I jumped back to see Tyler marching towards us.
“So, this is why you’ve been ignoring me?” His eyes were angry and they were focused on Gabe, his jaw clenched and his fingers curled into a fist so tightly I could see the muscles flexing in his strong arms. Before I realized what was happening, he’d grabbed my arm, jerking me towards him. “Screwing around already, Samantha?”
“Back away!” Gabe shouted, stepping in front of me and breaking the hold Tyler had on me. His voice sounded different now. It was strong and authoritarian. I knew the Gabe I was coming to know was gone at this moment. This was Gabe, the cop.
“Who the hell do you think you are telling me what to do?”
“Boston P.D.” Gabe reached into his pocket and when he flashed his badge to Tyler, I could see the confusion on his face. “Now back the hell up and don’t come near her again.”
Tyler did as he was told, but his eyes locked on mine. He looked furious and even though Gabe was right there, I was still terrified.
“I’m simply trying to talk to her,” Tyler said.
“Sure as hell didn’t look like that,” Gabe responded, his voice still strong as I stepped out from behind his back.
“Would you tell this guy we just need to talk?” he said and I could tell he was trying to keep his voice calm, but I could see the vein throbbing in his neck. “Dammit, Sam. Tell him!”
“There’s nothing you need to be talking about right now,” Gabe answered for me.
“She can speak for herself.” Tyler’s eyes moved back to mine. “Tell him, Sam.”
I couldn’t find my words. The control he had over me was too strong. It had taken me too long to realize just how afraid I was of him, but then I felt Gabe’s hand brush mine and the warmth of his skin brought me the strength to finally speak.
“I don’t want to talk to you, Tyler,” I began quietly.
The vein throbbed again in his neck and his fists tightened. His eyes pierced mine and I was afraid again. I felt Gabe’s fingers curl around mine, pulling me close. Tyler stared between us, not saying anything, but no words were needed to know what he was thinking.
“You heard her. Now, I suggest you go before I call this in,” Gabe said and Tyler’s eyes moved to Gabe’s for a few tense seconds before he moved his stare to me, holding it there long enough to shoot the fear into me. I could feel the tears burning my eyes as he turned and walked away. I knew this wasn’t the last time I’d see Tyler, but I was glad he was gone.
I let out a deep breath, feeling like I could finally breathe again.
Gabe turned quickly to me, running a hand over my hair and looking into my eyes. I’d never seen him afraid, but he looked it now.
“Are you okay?” he asked and I nodded, still shaken and unable to speak from what had just happened. He knew I wasn’t okay though and a moment later, he’d taken me in his arms, holding me close until I could feel my nerves start to relax. “Let’s get you inside.”
I didn’t protest and after I unlocked the door, we walked in. I led him to my apartment, but when I got there, my hands were unsteady, shaken from the run-in with Tyler and I couldn’t get the keys in the door.
“Let me help,” he said softly, gently taking them from me and opening the door.
The apartment was quiet when we walked inside. Rachel was working at the hospital and I was grateful she was gone. I didn’t want her to see me this way. She’d lose her mind if she knew Tyler had come around again.
“Let me get your coat,” Gabe said after he’d shut and locked the door. I didn’t try and stop him and a few moments later, both of our coats were off and we were sitting on the couch. “Can I get you anything?”
I shook my head and ran an anxious hand through my hair.
“I’m fine, Gabe. Thank you though.”
“Forgive me, but you’re not fine.”
I turned to look at him for a moment. His look was heavy and his eyes were filled with concern. I couldn’t look back at him though and so I looked down at my hands. I couldn’t have him sitting here beside me, not after what he’d just witnessed. Gabe had his suspicions I was messed up, but he’d just had a front row seat to what I’d been keeping from him.
Instead of addressing his last comment, I stood up and walked to the kitchen without saying anything. I reached into the fridge for a bottle of water, opening it and taking a long drink. When I turned around, he was standing behind the counter that separated the living room and the kitchen.
“Has he been doing this to you? Coming around like that since you broke up? Putting his hands on you?”
I shook my head initially, but he knew I was lying.
“Only a few times,” I said, taking another drink and trying not to show Gabe how truly afraid I was.
“One time is too many,” Gabe said
“It’s fine. He’ll get over it and move on. He’s just…he’s just…” I stammered, not knowing what I was trying to say.
“No,” he interrupted. “Don’t make excuses for him.”
“I’m not!” I said, my voice suddenly defensive.
“Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me he was doing this?”
“Because it’s not important! He’s upset. He’s angry with me for breaking up with him, but he’ll stop.”
“And if he doesn’t?” Gabe shot back and our eyes locked. I could see his frustration. I knew he was trying to understand me, but I knew he never would since I didn’t even understand myself.
“It’s none of your concern,” I said softly and I watched as his eyes closed and he breathed in deeply before opening them again.
“Of course, it’s my concern because you are my concern. You became my concern the second I walked in and found you lying at the bottom of those stairs.”
I felt my throat tightening. I didn’t understand this man in front of me. A man I’d only known a short time, but in that short time he’d shown me more concern and compassion than anyone in my life aside from my sister.
“You don’t even know me, Gabe,” I said, trying to sound strong through the knot in my throat.
“I do know you. I see women like you almost every day.” His voice dropped and he looked away for a moment, his jaw clenching. He looked as if he was a million miles away for a few seconds before he finally looked at me again.
“Women like me? What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. I could hear the hurt in my voice and Gabe didn’t answer right away. He moved slowly across the room, closing the distance I’d put between us and then he reached for my hand, taking it hesitantly in his.
“Women who don’t see their worth. Who don’t realize how priceless they really are,” he said softly, his words coming out slowly, but with strength. He paused for a moment and he swallowed hard before continuing. “Women who have been hurt by men that are supposed to love them.”
Our eyes locked and I couldn’t speak. I could feel the tears burning the backs of my eyes. Any second they would fall and Gabe would see the wall I’d tried putting up around myself start to crumble. He couldn’t be here when it did.
“You need to go,” I managed to get out, forcing the tears not to fall.
“I’m not leaving you here alone,” he said.
“Please go, Gabe,” I told him, my voice staying calm as I pulled my hand away from his.
“I can’t leave you here by yourself. Not after what I saw outside. That guy isn’t stable.”
“I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I always have,” I said, the words sounding bitter as they left my mouth.
“Sam, please,” he said softly, but I brushed past him, walking to the living room and opening the front door.
“Go, Gabe. Please. I don’t need you to save me, so stop trying.” I’d been trying so hard to keep the tears at bay, but as the words left my mouth, I felt one fall down my cheek. I quickly batted it away and Gabe remained cemented in place.
“Please talk to me, Sam,” he continued and I couldn’t take it anymore.
“Go!” I shouted, startling myself at the harshness of my voice.
Gabe was still for a few seconds. I knew he was waiting for me to change my mind, but after a few seconds, he knew I wouldn’t. I couldn’t have him here. He was too good. He didn’t know what a mess I was…what a mess I’d always been. He didn’t know my past. He didn’t know what he was getting himself into and he wouldn’t find out because he was leaving and I wasn’t going to see him again.
He finally moved, walking quickly to the couch for his coat and then to the door where I was waiting. Our eyes met when he stopped at the door. He was still waiting for me to say something, but when I remained silent, he finally stepped outside. I slammed the door behind him, the sound of it closing echoing throughout the empty apartment. I quickly locked it and then turned so I was leaning against the back of the door as I felt the strength that had been holding me together finally give. I felt myself sliding slowly to the floor until my knees were pulled to my chest and I started sobbing into the darkness. I was alone and I was terrified, but this was the way it had to be.