Nineteen
I’d relaxed the rest of the evening. We had dessert and we talked. I felt comfortable around his family and they made me feel welcome, almost like I’d known them for years rather than a few hours, but now, the night was over and Gabe and I were pulling up to my apartment building. He eased the SUV into a spot and we met at the front stoop.
“Can I walk you up?” he asked. The night had gone so well that I’d practically forgotten the mess with Tyler, but Gabe’s words easily brought it all back and I found myself looking around, more out of habit than actual fear.
“Sure,” I answered and he took my hand.
I unlocked the door and we quietly made our way up the stairs and to my door. Rachel was still at work and would be until the morning so when we walked inside, it was quiet. I turned on the light and Gabe helped me out of my coat before handing it to me and I draped it over the couch. I turned to see him standing in the doorway, still in his coat, looking as if he planned to leave. I didn’t want that though. I wanted him to stay. I wasn’t ready for the night to end.
“Do you want to stay for a bit? Maybe watch a movie?” I asked hopefully and when the smile spread on his face, I knew he’d wanted the night to continue just as I did.
“That sounds good,” he said, taking his jacket off and placing it on top of mine.
I walked into the kitchen and he followed. I pulled out two bottles of water, handing one to him and taking a drink of mine. We walked back to the living room and sat down on the couch. I reached for the remote to pull up Netflix, but then I stopped and turned myself so I facing Gabe.
“I didn’t know what to expect tonight,” I began. “But, I wasn’t expecting it to be like it was.” My voice dipped and I saw the concern on his face at my cryptic words. “I didn’t mean to worry you,” I said, reaching up and resting my palm on his cheek for a moment, smiling up at him. “I just meant I wasn’t expecting it to go so well…to feel so comfortable with your family…to have such a good time.”
“They liked you, Sam. Especially my mom,” he said and although I’d felt a connection with Carmen all night, hearing it from Gabe made me feel even better.
“What was it she called me? Mija?” I asked, referring to the name she’d used for me a few times.
“It’s a term for a daughter or someone like a daughter,” he said and I couldn’t help the smile that formed on my face. “See. I told you she liked you,” he said and then chuckled lightly. “When you were in the bathroom, she pulled me aside and told me not to mess this up with you.”
“She really said that?” I asked, unable to stop the smile from forming on my face.
“Yes. She’s always talking about me finding a nice girl,” he said, changing his voice to impersonate his mother, which made me laugh. “I guess she thinks I might’ve found her.” The smile on my face started to fade and my eyes locked with his dark ones when I heard his words. “She just wants me to be happy and I think she knows that’s what you do.” His words were deep and slow, the lightheartedness from a few moments before gone now.
I swallowed hard as his words replayed in my head. I made Gabe happy. Sweet, kind Gabe.
I found myself reaching for his hand, finding it and lacing our fingers together as I tried to gather my thoughts. He had to know how I felt.
“You make me happy too,” I said softly. “From the moment I woke up in that stairwell…when I saw your eyes…when I felt your arms around me, assuring me I’d be okay…you don’t know what your kindness means to me, Gabe. I don’t know how this all happened…how it was you who showed up that night, but I’d like to think it wasn’t by accident because this doesn’t feel like an accident.” The lump was burning in my throat and I couldn’t help the tears stinging at the corners of my eyes. I didn’t know how to express myself to him and so I’d just spilled out what had been in my heart and when I felt his free hand cup my cheek, his thumb running a gentle line over my jawbone, I didn’t think he’d minded my choice of words at all.
“It wasn’t an accident. Nothing is an accident. There is a reason for everything,” he said, his deep voice getting even lower and I felt him drifting slowly towards me. My heart began to beat faster as he got closer. My lips were aching to feel his and when he finally kissed me, I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of his lips on mine and the safety I felt when we were this close. I found myself wanting more, needing more from him besides the kiss. I pushed my mouth harder to his, moving myself closer to him. He didn’t seem to mind my forwardness and his tongue began teasing my lips, eventually pushing gently into my mouth. He tasted so good as our mouths moved together and when I felt our bodies falling onto the couch, I didn’t protest. I just wanted to be close to him, to feel him in a way I never had. I could feel it in my body. I wanted him and I knew he wanted me.
We continued to fall until my head hit the pillow and the weight of his body pushed me deep into the cushions. The weight of his body was crushing and my heart started to pound in my chest as a panic began to wash over me. I couldn’t breathe. I was trapped. I felt him holding me down. I felt him pulling at my clothes. I smelled the alcohol on his breath. I felt his hand striking me. I felt him tearing into me even though I said no…even though I cried and begged him not to. He was all around me. He was in my head. He had a hold of me and I couldn’t get free.
“Sam.” A voice was calling my name, but it wasn’t his voice. It wasn’t Tyler. “Sam.” The voice was louder this time and I finally opened my eyes. The beautiful dark eyes that had saved me were looking back at me. Afraid and worried as I realized tears were streaming down my face. “Sam, I’m sorry.” I could see the fear in his eyes, as if he’d done something wrong. He’d done nothing wrong though. He’d done nothing wrong since the moment he’d come into my life. He reached for me and I hated myself for recoiling before he touched me. A gentle hand on the shoulder, but I had retreated to such a bad place for those moments that I was having a hard time remembering this was Gabe and Gabe wouldn’t hurt me. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated and I quickly wiped at my eyes, trying to pull myself together.
“No. Don’t be sorry,” I whispered, looking away in shame. “It’s me. I…I didn’t realize…” I said, choking up. “I didn’t know that would happen.” I took a deep breath and then reached for a tissue to wipe my nose. “I don’t know what that was. It was like everything just came rushing back.”
“I shouldn’t have done that. I should’ve known.”
“Known what?” I said, finally looking at him again. “That I’m a mess? A damn mess?” My words were bitter. I could hear it. “I hate him. I hate him for what he’s done to me. For who I’ve become since being with him. I didn’t realize he could still hurt me without being here.” The tears came again and this time, it was he who reached up and wiped them away. “Why are you still here, Gabe?” I asked suddenly. “There’s no logical reason you should still be in my life, not after everything you know about me. Not after everything you’ve seen. You shouldn’t still be here. You shouldn’t still care about me.”
I waited for him to answer me. It seemed as if I waited forever until his fingertips gently brushed over my cheek and then pushed a piece of hair behind my ear as his eyes moved slowly over my face until finally coming to a rest on mine.
“Because I think you’re amazing,” he began quietly. “You’re smart and funny and so strong and…” he continued, but then paused, for a second before going on, “I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you.”
I could feel my eyes get wide at his words and my heart started to pound in my chest. I opened my mouth to say something, but my voice was caught in my throat. I couldn’t have heard him correctly. This man sitting across from me, this man who had seen me at my worst, this man who knew my dirty secrets, had just told me he was falling in love with me. He’d said those words despite everything I hated most about myself.
“I don’t expect you to say anything, Sam,” he continued quietly. “But, you asked me why I’m still here and that is why. I know you’ve got scars. We’ve all got them, but yours don’t scare me. Every day I know you makes my life better than the day before.” He took my hand and held it up to his heart, moving closer to me so we were only a few inches apart. “Someday you will see what I see…what the world sees…and then you’ll understand why I’m still here and why I wanted to know you the second I saw you running up that hill.”
Our eyes locked and I could hardly catch my breath from his words. I didn’t know what to say and so I simply kissed him, brushing my lips lightly over his before wrapping my arms around him and resting my head on his shoulder as I felt his arms wrap around me too. The fear I’d felt earlier was gone. I knew it was still in the back of my mind, where the dark things lived, but right now they were silenced. I felt safe again and I didn’t want him to leave.
“Stay the night with me,” I whispered as he held me.
“Are you sure?” he asked softly, pulling away gently and looking into my eyes. I could see his apprehension and I didn’t blame him, not after my reaction earlier. I nodded though and looked him in the eyes.
“Yes,” I said quietly. “I…I feel safe with you here.”
“Then I’ll stay,” he said. I felt his hand in mine, pulling me closer as we leaned back into the couch. He found the remote and started scrolling through Netflix, finally settling on a movie that I was certain neither of us really wanted to watch.
It was quiet as we watched. I rested my head on his shoulder and fought to keep my eyes open the longer we sat there. I knew I’d lost my battle when I felt a gentle nudge on my arm. My eyes opened slowly and saw Gabe.
“You fell asleep,” he said gently.
“I’m sorry,” I said through a yawn.
“You should probably go to bed.” His voice was soft as he ran his thumb over my cheek and smiled sweetly at me.
“Yeah, I probably should,” I said, smiling back. He stood up, holding his hand out to me. I took it and then we were walking down the hall, towards my bedroom. I couldn’t help the anxious pit in my stomach and the fact my heart was beating faster as we walked. I thought he was nervous too, but he didn’t say anything as we walked into the room.
I went to my dresser, pulling out a pair of sweat pants and an old t-shirt to sleep in and then turned to Gabe.
“I’m sorry I don’t have anything for you to change into,” I said, glancing over the jeans and sweater he was wearing.
“Please don’t worry about me,” he said, crossing the floor until he was only a couple of feet away from me. His presence was heavy. It always was and it seemed even heavier now, having him this close to me. “I’ll be fine,” he said, stepping even closer before running his hand slowly over my hair.
“You can’t be comfortable in jeans all night,” I countered.
“Let me be the judge of that, okay?” He smiled. The kind of cute smile where one side curls up a little higher than the other and I couldn’t help but smile too. “Now, go get yourself ready for bed.”
He nudged me gently towards the door and I went reluctantly, going into the bathroom just across the hall. I quickly changed into my pajamas and brushed my teeth before going back to the bedroom to see Gabe sitting on my bed. His shoes were off and so was his sweater. He was only in his jeans and white undershirt. His black hair was falling lazily onto his forehead and he looked up when he heard me walk in.
“All set?” he asked me and I nodded, tossing my clothes into the hamper. He stood from the bed and brushed past me gently. “I’ll be right back.” He smiled at me before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.
I found myself looking around the room, suddenly unsure how I’d even had the nerve to ask him to stay the night. I hadn’t wanted him to leave, but I had to have been crazy to ask him to stay, but just as I was pulling the covers back, I heard his footsteps. I turned to see him walking in, shutting the door behind him and then looking over at me. The momentary panic I’d felt while he was in the bathroom was gone now because when our eyes met, I knew he’d wanted to stay. He wanted to protect me and I wanted that too.
“I feel like a kid again,” he said and I felt my eyebrow raise. “I don’t think I’ve used my finger to brush my teeth since I was ten.” I started laughing and he walked in.
“I’m sorry,” I said, smiling at him. “I guess I didn’t really think this whole thing through when I asked you stay. First, no pajamas and now, no toothbrush.”
“It’s worth it though,” he said, smiling back at me, stepping closer and cupping his hand on my cheek before leaning down and brushing his lips gently over mine, slowly pulling back a few minutes later. It wasn’t a long kiss, but it’d done its job, leaving me flustered and flushed.
“Thank you, Gabe,” I said quietly, the smile from a second ago gone. “Thank you for staying with me.”
“Anything for you, Sam,” he said softly. Our eyes met for a few long moments, my heart pounding and the want for him almost exploding inside of me. I wondered if he felt the same way. My question was answered when I saw his chest rising and falling more quickly and the way his eyes moved around my face. His look caused my heart to beat even harder, but then he broke our gaze and moved around to the other side of the bed, pulling the bedding down. Our eyes met from across the mattress and then without words, we slid under the sheets.
I reached up and turned out the light. It was dark as my eyes adjusted to the blackness. There was a little light streaming in through the window, but even though it wasn’t much, I was still able to make out Gabe’s profile as he rested on the pillow next to mine. I could see the whites of his eyes and I found myself reaching for him, resting my hand on his cheek as my thumb moved slowly over his jawline. He let me for a few seconds, before scooting closer to me, draping his arm around me so that my head rested on his chest. He kissed the top of my head and then I felt his fingertips moving slowly over the skin of my arm. I closed my eyes, listening to the soothing sound of his beating heart.
“Get some sleep, Sam,” he whispered, kissing me again and pulling me closer. I felt my eyes growing heavier and I tried to stay awake. I wanted to remember this, but the longer he held me and the more his fingertips danced over my skin, I couldn’t fight it anymore. My eyes drifted shut and I was asleep.