Nine
My first day back to class was a blur. I hadn’t kept up with the assignments my professors had sent me while I was recuperating and I felt like a total slouch when I walked into the classrooms and they asked me how I was feeling. I’d simply nodded and smiled politely telling them, “Much better, thank you,” even though I still donned the sling. I told them I’d get the assignments to them as soon as I could. They assured me it was fine, but I still felt like a slacker since I could’ve kept up if I’d wanted to.
I only had three classes on Mondays and by the time the last one was over, I was grateful to be heading home. It was cold for November and the sling made it even worse since I couldn’t wear a jacket properly. The freezing air kept getting in no matter how hard I tried. I’d checked the weather in the morning and a possibility of snow had been mentioned. By the looks of the sky and the feel of the air, I knew the weatherman was probably right for once. I just wanted to get home into the warmth of the apartment and start working on the assignments that should’ve been done a week ago.
I quickened my pace, pulling my scarf closer and making my way towards the T until I was stopped by a grip on my arm. I turned quickly and I froze when I saw Tyler’s eyes looking back at me. It only took me a second to yank my arm away and jump back.
“Sam, please,” he said quickly. “I just wanna talk to you.”
“We have nothing to talk about,” I said, hoping my voice sounded stronger than I felt on the inside.
“Wait, please,” he said when I turned and started walking away. I ignored him though and kept walking. “Just give me a chance. Just talk to me for one second.” I could hear the desperation in his voice. I told myself not to stop. I kept going and then I heard his voice again. “Please.” I stopped in my tracks, sighing loudly before turning around. Our eyes met and I couldn’t help but notice how different they looked from that night in the frat house…the night I’d finally had enough.
He waited a second, but then he started towards me slowly, almost how one would approach a frightened animal. Even his hands were out as a gesture of peace. He stopped when only a couple of feet separated us. His eyes moved down to my sling and then back to me.
“I heard you were hurt, Sam. I didn’t realize it was that bad.”
“Yeah,” I said, praying the tears wouldn’t fall. “It was pretty bad, Tyler.”
“Shit,” he whispered, shaking his head and then meeting my eyes again. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you. I would’ve come to the hospital. I would’ve taken care of you.”
He stepped closer to me, resting his hand on my arm for a moment before I stepped back again.
“Please don’t touch me, Tyler,” I said, mustering what little courage I had around him, especially after everything that had happened.
“You’re not afraid of me, are you?”
“Should I be afraid of you?” I asked and our eyes locked for a few intense moments.
“I know we’ve had some issues, but that’s the past, baby.” He reached for me again and when the weight of his hand met my arm, I don’t know why, but I let him keep it there.
“My sister thinks you did this to me,” I said softly, trying not to sound afraid. “She thinks you pushed me down those stairs.”
“No!” he exclaimed, squeezing his eyes tightly for a second. “Your sister hates me, Sam. She’s always hated me and she’s trying to get into your head. She’s trying to push you away from me.”
I closed my eyes for a moment, thinking back on all of the times I’d been afraid of him…of all the times he’d put his hands on me…touching me in ways he shouldn’t.
“Part of me,” I began quietly, almost afraid to go on, “part of me thinks you might’ve done it too.” My voice was soft and shaky as he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“The cops told me you don’t remember what happened. Why would you think it was me?”
“Because,” I said, my voice still timid, “it’s what you do. You hurt me, Tyler. You always have.” A tear streaked down my face and I wiped it quickly.
“Baby, no,” he said, his voice desperate as he came closer to me, pushing his hand deep into my hair and pulling me to him as he looked me in the eyes. He was looking at me the way he had when we first fell in love, with kindness and concern. “I know I’ve been an asshole. I know I haven’t treated you the way you deserve to be treated. I know that and I’m working on that, but never, Sam, I would never hurt you like this. You could’ve been killed and I can’t imagine a world without Samantha Everly in it. So, whatever’s happened in the past or whatever Rachel says about me, I love you, even if you don’t love me anymore.”
I was shocked to see the tears in his eyes. Tyler Reeves didn’t cry and certainly not over me.
“Why were you in Canada?” I asked softly.
“My grandfather. He had a heart attack.”
“I didn’t know he lived there.”
“He doesn’t. He was on vacation. They weren’t sure if he was going to make it. We had to go.”
“You just disappeared though.”
“It was an emergency and you made it clear you didn’t want to talk to me so I didn’t tell you. When I got home and spoke with the cops I wanted to come see you. I wanted to come right away, but I knew I couldn’t. I knew where we stood. I knew you wanted me to stay away, but Sam,” he said, pulling himself closer so our lips were so close I could smell the mint from the gum he was chewing, “I couldn’t stop thinking about you, knowing you were hurt. I had to see you. I had to.” He breathed in deeply, coming even closer. “Dammit, Sam, you drive me mad I love you so damn much. Don’t push me away anymore. We can make this work. I can take care of you. The past is the past. We can move on. I need you.” His voice cracked then and another tear fell down his cheek.
“Tyler…I can’t anymore…” I whispered, but before I could finish my sentence, his lips were on mine, his tongue easing into my mouth and kissing me hard. For a moment, I remembered how it was when he was the Tyler I loved. The Tyler who made my knees weak. The Tyler who made me laugh and put me first. That Tyler wasn’t the real Tyler though and I felt that sick feeling in my stomach again, remembering all the ways he’d hurt me. I was afraid of Tyler. Deep in my soul, I knew I was.
“Sam,” he moaned as his mouth continued to move on mine.
“Stop,” I said, pushing him away. He was breathing hard when I pulled back.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. I’ve missed you so damn much. Can’t we please just get past this? Let me take you to dinner.”
I wondered if my jaw was on the floor because that’s how I felt. After everything he’d done to me, he thought it could all go back to the way it’d been.
“No,” I whispered and I saw the confusion on his face.
“C’mon, Sam. Don’t do this.”
“I need time. I need time to myself…on my own…without you,” I said, looking into his eyes. “We’re over. I can’t do it anymore.” My heart started to pound because I didn’t want to see his reaction or hear the hateful words spew from his mouth how they had before when I’d told him that. They didn’t come though and he remained quiet and surprisingly calm.
“I get that,” he said in a level voice. “When you’re ready though, I’m here.” I simply nodded because I didn’t want to provoke him anymore. “And remember no matter what, I love you.”
He reached for my hand and squeezed it before turning and walking away. I couldn’t get my heart to stop pounding though or the fear from riling in my stomach. He’d been the Tyler I’d fallen for, but I’d never been more terrified. I turned quickly, wiping at the tears in my eyes as I rushed to the T then, completely forgetting about the cold air. All I could think about was getting home, but even then I wondered if I’d feel safe. I wondered if I’d ever feel safe again.
~~~
“Are you okay?”
My sister looked up when I walked through the door. I knew I was breathing harder than she expected, but I’d walked quickly to the apartment after getting off the T. The run in with Tyler had freaked me out and I just wanted to get home.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, dumping my bag on the couch and looking around at the mess I’d left before leaving. I started folding the blanket as best I could with my arm still tied up in the sling.
“It’s like you’re on speed or something,” Rachel said from her spot on the couch where she’d been watching TV.
“I’m just sorry I left this place such a pigsty…that I’ve been leaving it like a pigsty since this whole damn thing happened,” I mumbled, the tears coming to my eyes again.
“Hey, it’s fine,” my sister said, standing up and taking the blanket from my hands. She folded it and draped it across the back of the couch before taking my hand. “What’s got you all riled up? You’re as white as a ghost and I can’t remember a time I’ve seen you so jumpy. Rough day back at class?”
I sighed and then looked up to meet Rachel’s eyes. She was worried. She always worried about me, the only difference was, this time she had reason to worry.
“Tyler was waiting for me after my class,” I said softly and the reaction on Rachel’s face was immediate.
“Did he touch you? Are you okay?” she asked quickly, her eyes scanning over my body.
“I don’t know, Rache,” I said quietly, shaking my head.
“What do you mean you don’t know? Either the bastard touched you or he didn’t,” she snapped.
“He didn’t touch me the way you think he did. He held my hand and told me how sorry he was that I’d been hurt.”
“Sorry? He’s the one that did it,” Rachel scoffed.
“But he didn’t. The detective said it.”
“I don’t give a damn what he said. Tyler’s never been held accountable for a damn thing he’s ever done. Why should this be any different?”
“I wish you’d just let it go. I just want to move on,” I sighed, pushing past Rachel and grabbing my bag before heading to my room. I heard my sister’s footsteps behind me though.
“You can’t just move on,” Rachel exclaimed. I turned to see her in the doorway, staring at me.
“No, I can’t, but all of this talk about Tyler isn’t helping the situation. I just want the whole thing to go away and just forget about everything.”
“What’d he say to you?” Rachel asked and I looked at her quizzically.
“What are talking about?”
“It’s like you’re defending him or something.”
“I am not! Stop being ridiculous,” I retorted and started pulling my laptop out of my bag so I could get to work.
“He wants you back, doesn’t he?” she demanded and I was silent as images of the kiss flashed in my mind.
“He does. He wants to put the past behind us and move on.”
“And you told him to go to hell, right?” she exclaimed.
“I told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I told him we were done,” I said, but I could tell she didn’t believe me.
“I’m telling you right now, Sam, if you take him back…” Rachel started, but I didn’t let her finish.
“I’m not taking him back!” I shouted. “I’m not ever letting him touch me again! We’re done! Okay? Do you understand now?” I was yelling and I couldn’t stop myself. “Would you just drop it though? As if I don’t already feel like the biggest idiot on the planet for ever allowing him in my life without you reminding me what a moron I am! I don’t need to hear it. I messed up! I messed up by letting him back into my life the first time he hit me. I know I messed up, Rachel! I’m just like Mom and I don’t need your constant reminders about that, okay?” The tears had started falling during my outburst and I locked eyes with my sister. I could see the tears in hers too.
“You are nothing like her,” she choked out. “Nothing.”
That’s all it took. I started sobbing and then Rachel’s arms were around me as my body shook in her embrace.
“I’m sorry for making you feel that way, Sam,” she whispered as she held me.
“You didn’t. I did. I never want to be her, Rache. Never,” I said through the tears.
“And you’re not. It’s gonna be okay. I promise it will be. I’ll keep you safe, just like I always have.” She pulled me tighter and I cried harder, feeling just like I used to all those years ago, huddled in a closet with my sister while our mother got the crap beat out of her. Rachel’s arms were the only place that had felt safe back then and I was so glad I had them now.