Twenty-Six
“Where are you going?” I asked Rachel.
The drive home had been quieter than I expected after the dramatic way we’d left my mom’s place. I think Rachel was too fired up to talk and I didn’t want to talk anymore about it either. I was certain Gabe had regretted ever agreeing to come with us and he stayed quiet most of the drive with one hand on the wheel and holding mine with his other one.
Rachel had gone straight to her room when we walked into the apartment. She reemerged a couple of minutes later in her scrubs and was pulling her hair back into a ponytail.
“The hospital messaged me on the drive back. They’re short staffed and offered me overtime if I came in.”
“Are you sure you want to? We just got home.”
“Yes, I’m sure. I need to go. I need to do something to keep my mind off of that disaster. I need to go somewhere I can do some good and be of use instead of trying to figure out ways to beat some sense into our mother.” She grabbed her winter coat and purse and headed to the door, stopping to look at Gabe and me. “You’ll be okay if I leave, won’t you? I mean, I figured Gabe was sleeping over again.” Even though we were in the middle of an intense situation, she grinned playfully towards me and when I turned to look at Gabe, I could see a hint of pink on his tan skin.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” I answered, bringing my eyes back to hers as her smile changed from playful to concern.
“I love you, Sam,” she said, but before I could answer, the door opened and she was gone, leaving Gabe and I in the awkwardness of the empty apartment.
It wasn’t that I was awkward around Gabe. I actually loved being alone with him, but after today, what he saw with my mother, the things I had told him, I knew he must have questions and I didn’t know if I was ready to answer them.
I turned my gaze away from the door to find Gabe only a few feet away from me looking incredibly handsome in the black suit he’d worn to the funeral. Our eyes stayed locked without words for a few seconds before I finally said something. It was the only thing I could think to say.
“I’m sorry about today,” I began. “I’m sorry you had to see and hear all of that. I’m…I’m so embarrassed.”
“You have nothing to be embarrassed about,” he said, reaching out and taking my hand with his. “I’m just sorry you and Rachel had to live like that.”
I didn’t see pity in his eyes and I was glad for that. I didn’t want his pity. I did see sadness though. It hurt him to know what we’d been through.
“I’ll never understand my mom,” I said, hearing my voice choke up as I replayed the argument between her and Rachel at the dinner table, unable to get the scene out of my head. Gabe must’ve sensed my frustration because he led me over to the couch and we sat down side by side.
“Sometimes people aren’t meant to be understood,” he said gently and I paused to ponder what he’d said. There was some deep wisdom to such simple words. Still, it didn’t ease the hurt I felt. It didn’t ease the years of hurt.
“How can she defend him? How can she constantly choose him over everything else? How is she so blind?”
“I don’t think she’s blind, Sam,” Gabe interjected. “She sees what she chooses to see because she doesn’t want to see anything else. I’ve seen it a hundred times on the job. Responding to calls and listening to women justify why their husband or boyfriend beats them again and again.”
I felt tears in my eyes as I listened to him because I’d been one of those women. I used to make up excuses for Tyler. I used to think I was to blame in some way. Looking back now, seeing it from the outside, I knew I’d been exactly like my mother and if I hadn’t finally put an end to the relationship, I would’ve become her. Tyler may have been the first guy to hit me, but he wasn’t the first I’d let push me around or disrespect me. It’s basically all I’d known because that was all I’d ever seen, but now, after everything and while looking into Gabe’s caring eyes, I was reminded how wrong I’d been.
“Thank you for coming with me today,” I said softly. “I know this whole situation is so foreign to you. Our lives couldn’t be more different.”
“That may be true, but if they weren’t, maybe we wouldn’t be together.” There was a cute smile on Gabe’s face now and I couldn’t resist the smile that formed on mine. “Maybe you wouldn’t even give a measly cop like me the time of day.”
I laughed softly.
“It doesn’t matter what my life was like. I’d always give you the time of day.”
Our eyes met and our smiles were still there, but there was a seriousness between us now. This man next to me had become so important to me in such a short time and he had to know it as he looked into my eyes. I reached my hand up and rested my palm on his cheek, my heart beating just a bit faster, the way it always did when our eyes met.
“You’re so good,” I said softly. “So good.” My voice caught in my throat as I thought about my life and how I’d ended up beside him at this moment. The fall may have been one of the most terrifying events in my life, but it’d brought us together, so in a way, I was thankful for it. “You’ve changed my life, Gabe. You’ve made me see what it can be like…what I deserve.”
I could see I’d embarrassed him, but he had to know.
“You did that. Not me,” he said.
“I wouldn’t have seen it without your help though and I’m afraid to think about where I’d be if you hadn’t come into my life,” I said gently, my hand falling from his cheek and back into my lap. “My whole life I’ve been afraid,” I whispered, a sudden sadness washing over me as my gaze dropped to my lap. “I almost forgot how afraid I’d always been until today…until being there…in that room…until it all came flooding back.” My voice was quiet and I didn’t realize I was crying until a tear splashed onto my hand.
“You don’t have to be afraid anymore,” he said gently, taking my hand with his.
“I think I’ll always be afraid. I don’t think it will ever go away.”
It grew silent as my eyes raised slowly and met his again. I noticed the way his brows were creased in concern. He inched closer to me and held my hand tighter.
“Talk to me, Sam,” he pleaded quietly. I’d been on the verge of telling him back at the trailer, before Rachel had interrupted and I’d been grateful for disruption because it shut me up. Now though, there were no distractions. Just us.
“It’s always there. In the back of my mind. Even when I’m not thinking about it, I feel it,” I began, but then stopped.
“What’s always there?” he asked softly.
“Rachel did her best. She tried to protect me. She always put me first, but she couldn’t always save me. She couldn’t stop him,” I choked out quietly.
“What did he do to you, Sam?” Gabe asked and I felt his thumb begin to gently stroke the back of my hand. I closed my eyes as the memories came flooding back and then I took a deep breath, preparing myself for what I was about to say.
“He…he’d come into my room sometimes. At night, when I was asleep,” I began as my heart started to pound. “I could smell the alcohol the moment he walked in. He…he’d kneel by my bed and then he…he touched me.” My throat was burning now. I’d never told anyone what Tim had done to me and the words were painful coming out. I’d wanted to forget, but it could never be forgotten. “And he’d make me touch him.” I barely got the words out before I broke. I started sobbing, covering my face with my hands in shame as the tears poured out. My body was shaking as the memories began to take over my body. Raw, painful memories. Memories a little girl shouldn’t have.
Gabe’s arms were around me, holding me close, doing his best to shield me from the barrage of emotions I’d kept hidden my entire life, but nothing could protect me from my past, just as Rachel hadn’t been able to protect me.
“It’s okay, Sam,” he whispered as he held me. “It’s okay now. I’m here. He can’t hurt you anymore.”
I don’t know how long I cried, but when I pulled away, his shirt was soaked and my face was raw and chapped. I knew I was a mess, but when I looked up at Gabe, he showed no signs that this final piece of the complex puzzle that was my messed up life had scared him off.
“Does anyone know what he did to you?” he asked me after a few quiet moments while I tried to collect myself.
“I told my mom once. I think I was like ten or something…after the first time he did it,” I told him, my voice cracking and a pit forming in my stomach as I thought back to that conversation and her reaction.
“How’d she handle it?”
“Said I was making it up. That it must’ve been something I concocted in my imagination. Told me to never say anything like that again,” I replied softly.
“So, she did nothing then,” he concluded and I nodded. “What about Rachel? Does she know?”
“I don’t know. We’ve never talked about it. He only did it when she was at a friend’s house or watching TV so I was alone in the room.”
“Do you think it happened to her too?” he asked gently.
“I don’t know. Part of me thinks it did and part of me thinks it didn’t. I was an easier target. Rachel would’ve fought back.”
My eyes drifted down to my lap as they brimmed with tears again. I felt his finger under my chin a moment later, gently raising it up so I was forced to look at him again.
“Thank you telling me. For trusting me.” I heard his voice catch and I saw tears in his eyes as he looked at me. “I’m so sorry for what he did to you and for what Tyler did to you. I wish I could go back and change it all and make it so you never felt any of that pain. I wish I could.” He closed his eyes tightly for a second, tears pooling on the sides, before opening them again. “I want you to know that I think you’re amazing.”
My heart was beating faster now as I listened to his words. I hadn’t been used to words like this until him.
“I never knew a man could be so kind until I met you, Gabe,” I said softly.
“Men should be kind and I’m sorry you’ve never known that.” He brushed a piece of hair from my forehead, tucking it gently behind my ear.
“Sometimes I think you’re not even real. That you’re a figment of my imagination. Something I made up because you’re just too perfect,” I said with a quiet laugh.
“I’m far from perfect, Sam,” he said softly, looking away for a moment.
“Not to me,” I said and his eyes drifted back to mine.
My heart beat even harder now as he looked into my eyes. I’d never felt this way about anyone. No one had ever made me feel so beautiful and loved. No one had ever made me feel like I was so special as the man sitting next to me. The man who’d come into my life by chance and ultimately helped me to see my worth and see what I deserved. For the first time in my life, I was in love.
“I love you, Gabe,” I suddenly whispered, the words simply leaving my mouth without thought.
I saw his eyes widen a little. He hadn’t been expecting my proclamation, but I’d said it and I couldn’t take it back. He’d told me before he was falling in love with me, but I’d said the actual words. The three words that changed everything.
My heart beat even harder as I waited for his response, but the corners of his mouth turned up into a soft grin.
“I love you too, Sam,” he replied.
Our eyes remained locked for a few more seconds and then he came closer to me, his fingertips brushing over my cheek before his lips met mine. The kiss was almost painful as the emotions washed over me. There were tears in my eyes as his mouth moved slowly over mine. I didn’t know it was possible to feel this way about anyone. I didn’t realize one person could complete me like this. But, Gabe did. Everything about him was more than I ever expected. I never knew the love of a man could feel like this. That it could fill your soul with such happiness and contentment. I’d only ever known pain at the hands of men, even men that professed to love me. I wanted to erase all of that. I wanted to feel the goodness of a man who truly did love me.
I slowed the movement of my lips over his until I eased away, our mouths still so close together though.
“I want to forget the hurt, even if it’s just for a little while,” I whispered to him, our eyes meeting.
I wondered if he’d understood what I was trying to say to him. What I was asking of him. He seemed nervous and I noticed he was breathing a little harder.
“I can make you forget,” he returned softly.
We were still for a few moments until he stood up, holding out his hand to me. I looked up into his eyes and then placed my hand in his, standing up. There were no words spoken as we walked down the hall. He stopped just outside my door, turning to look at me to make sure this is what I wanted. When I didn’t protest, he pushed it open.
I closed the door behind us once we were inside and we were surrounded by the darkness of the room. There was just enough light spilling in from outside that I could see his silhouette standing by the bed. As my eyes adjusted, I was able to see his face and when I looked into his eyes, I knew he was nervous. I was nervous too, but I wanted this. I wanted Gabe.
“I love you, Sam,” he whispered as his arm slid around my waist, pulling me gently to him. He came even closer then, pressing his lips to mine. The world disappeared the moment we connected. It was just him and me. My mind was free from everything else and that was exactly what I wanted.
I could feel a desire building within me that I’d never felt before. The shame was gone and I felt beautiful. I felt empowered by the way I was affecting him. I knew he wanted me. I could feel it by the way his kiss became more urgent, his tongue sliding into my mouth. I met him with equal enthusiasm as his hands moved slowly over my body. His lips parted mine as he threaded his fingers in my hair, my neck arching towards him. When his kiss made its way there, a soft moan escaped from my throat.
My hands found their way to the buttons of his shirt and I began to undo each one until it was open, revealing the strong muscles of his chest. I ran my hands over his skin and I felt goosebumps rise beneath my touch.
His hand found its way under my dress and I moaned softly again as his fingers moved slowly up. I didn’t protest when he kept pushing the dress higher, until he’d pulled it over my head and it was on the floor. I tugged at his shirt until it’d joined my dress and then found myself fumbling with his buckle. My hands were trembling, but I managed to undo it and then his pants joined the rest of our discarded clothing.
Our breathing was heavy and he met my eyes again. I knew he wanted to make sure I was okay and that this was what I wanted. I could see the concern in his eyes. He didn’t want to hurt me. He was the first man in my life who didn’t want to hurt me and that was why I loved him so much.
“I don’t want you to do anything you’re not ready for,” he whispered, running his hand lovingly over my hair.
“I want this. I want this with you, Gabe.”
After my words were spoken, he smiled down at me and then I felt him scoop me up in his arms and make the short distance to the bed. Gently, he laid me down so my head rested on the pillow. He looked down at me for a moment, running his fingertips slowly over my skin.
“You’re beautiful, Sam. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he said, his voice low and gravely as his eyes wandered over my body. I felt myself blush because I’d never heard those words and I’d never felt truly beautiful in my life until that moment.
He eased onto the bed, settling in beside me. His lips met mine again and his hands continued their exploration of my body. I closed my eyes as his touch caused me to tremble. Not from the fear I’d always known, but from the way Gabe was making me feel.
I felt the weight of his body on top of mine then. I wasn’t afraid this time. This was Gabe. This wasn’t Tyler. Gabe would never hurt me.
He settled in between my legs, both of our breathing becoming deeper and faster as we anticipated what was about to happen. His hands slowed down and his eyes met mine. The world seemed to stop and he kissed me gently, pressing his lips to mine for a few long seconds until he pulled away and looked back into my eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered and then I felt him ease inside of me. I closed my eyes, crying out softly at the feeling, taking in everything about him. He began to move and I was lost in him. Everything he was doing was gentle and loving, as if he was trying to memorize everything about me, as if I was something to treasure rather than possess and at that moment, for the first time, my world made sense.
~~~
We lay in the darkness for a long time, me curled up next to him and my head resting on his slick chest. His arm was around me as he played with my hair and I listened to the sound of his heart beating. It was a perfect moment and I closed my eyes, trying to burn the feeling into my mind so I would never forget it. This is what it should’ve always been like, not the way it’d been.
“Are you okay?” he finally said, his voice low and hesitant. I knew he was still unsure if I’d been ready, if he’d pushed me into doing something I didn’t want to do. I wanted to reassure him, so I propped myself up and gazed down at him.
“I’m perfect,” I answered and I felt the nerves begin to leave him. “I…I didn’t know if could be like that.” I didn’t realize my voice was choking up until the words came out. It’s what Gabriel Torres did to me though. He made me see the world in a different light.
“It should always be like that.” He smiled at me and then pulled me down for a soft kiss.
“You told me earlier that you think I’m amazing,” I said softly as our lips still practically touched. “I want you to know I think you’re pretty amazing too. You’ve shown me so much that I wouldn’t have seen without you. You’re the first person besides my sister that I can trust, and…” I said, my voice catching again as I tried to convey my feelings to him, but feeling totally inadequate with my words, “you don’t know what that means to me.”
I smiled at him, but his face was serious and he reached up and touched my cheek.
“I will never hurt you, Sam,” he said quietly. “Never.”
As I looked into his eyes, I believed him. While we may not be perfect and I knew we wouldn’t always agree, I knew in my heart he loved me for me and he would never do anything to damage my soul the way it had already been.
“I know,” I whispered, planting a sweet kiss on his lips and then snuggled back into his arms as the room grew quiet again.
“You’re starting to see it,” he finally said, breaking the silence.
“See what?” I asked as I traced circles on his chest with the tip of my finger.
“What I see,” he answered, kissing the top of my head. “That you’re beautiful and strong. That you can do anything.”
“Maybe a little,” I admitted softly, feeling a bit strange in doing so.
“I thought I knew you,” he continued. “But I don’t think I really did. Not until today.” He paused for a moment and I could hear his heart pick up speed as he waited to talk again. “Today I learned what you really went through. I saw it and I’m amazed at where you are despite it. No one would ever know what’s happened to you because you just keep going.”
“You have to keep going. There’s no other choice,” I said. He was right though. Despite everything, I was in college. I had my whole life ahead of me and my past did not define me. For so long I thought I’d simply been surviving, when in actuality, I was thriving.
“I hope I’m not overstepping,” he began and I could sense his hesitation again.
“About what?” I asked curiously and he swallowed hard before continuing.
“Have you ever spoken to anyone, a counselor or someone, that could help you with all of this?”
“No,” I whispered. “I’ve only told you everything.”
“I think you should talk to someone. They could help you. They can help you in ways I can’t.” His voice was quiet. I knew he was afraid to broach the subject, but because he’d taken the chance anyway just showed me how much he really did care for me.
“Maybe I’ll do that,” I told him and I thought he might be right. I’d kept it bottled up for so long and maybe now would be the time to see a professional to help me with my demons.
“I hope you’re not upset. I only want to help.”
I propped myself up then and looked down at him.
“I’m not upset,” I told him. “It’s actually quite a nice feeling to have someone care about me the way you do.”
“So, you’ll keep me around for a while then?” he asked as a cute grin spread over his face.
“Yeah, I think I might,” I said, smiling back at him as we started drifting towards each other, our lips touching softly.
I hadn’t been sure what to expect when going back to the place that held so many bad memories. It had been more difficult than I’d thought and it’d made me relive feelings I only wanted to forget. But because of that, I was in this moment. With Gabe. Just him and me and I felt loved. And for that, I was grateful.