Thirty-One
I don’t know how I’d made it to this point, but I had. I’d been on autopilot for the last few days. It was a state of shock and denial, but there could be no denying it now, not after what I’d just experienced.
I’d never seen anything like the funeral for a fallen police officer who lost his life in the line of duty. It felt like the whole city shut down as the precession made its way to the cemetery. The news stations were there too. They had been ever since Gabe died. I’d seen it on TV, the story of the young cop who lost his life while responding to a call for a domestic disturbance. Gabe looked so handsome in the picture they showed of him as they told the story of what had happened. Gabe and his partner had responded to a call of a man beating his wife. The neighbor had called it in and when Gabe and his partner showed up, the man opened fire without any warning. His partner had only been shot in the leg, but Gabe…he hadn’t been so lucky and died in surgery as they tried to save him. I couldn’t help but compare myself to the woman whose husband shot Gabe. I could’ve been her and I found it hauntingly strange that Gabe had worked so hard to save me from a similar situation only to die at the hands of domestic violence.
It was hard to watch the story, to know it was my Gabe they were talking about. His life was over and as I looked at his casket only a few feet away, I felt as if mine was too.
The funeral was filled to capacity and so many dignitaries spoke. The mayor of Boston, one of the state representatives, along with fellow police officers who spoke of Gabe’s service. I listened to their words, soaking them in and gaining comfort in knowing that he had been special to so many people. The hardest part was listening to Sergio speak about his son though. He stood in front of the microphone in full dress uniform as he told stories of Gabe and how much he loved being a police officer and how proud his family was of him. He never wavered in his words, but tears were streaming down my face by the end of the speech.
I’d watched the 21 Bell Salute as fellow officers stood in front of Gabe’s flag draped casket, saluting solemnly each time a bell went off. Amazing Grace followed on bagpipes after that, and I’d never heard such sorrow in a song before. Rachel squeezed my hand as we listened, both of us doing our best to hold it together until the Final Radio Call was given for Gabe. I could hardly stand the pain coursing through my veins as I listened and when I turned to Carmen, I knew she was struggling. Sergio had his arm around her, but she was barely holding on.
I was grateful for the fresh air when the funeral was over and we stepped outside. I could hardly breathe in the church. It was too much to handle, but it hadn’t gotten any easier, not at the cemetery when the bagpipes started to play and the three-volley salute jolted through me with each shot that rang into the air.
The crowd had mostly left by this point, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I stood like a statue, staring at the casket, no longer flag-draped. That had been given to Carmen, who’d walked away after the closing prayer. Rachel had stayed by my side for a few minutes, but then she stepped away, realizing I needed to be alone. I needed to be alone in this moment. Alone with him for the last time.
I finally moved, walking slowly to the casket and placing my hand on it, lowering my head as a silent tear splashed onto it. He couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t. Not after everything he’d done for me.
It had only been a few days, but I still expected him to call or show up at my apartment. I still expected him to be there, but as I opened my eyes and was greeted with the glistening silver of the coffin, I was cruelly reminded that he wasn’t coming back.
I’d never felt so empty inside, as if a part of myself had died along with Gabe. I was angry and I was hurt. How could he have come into my life only to have been ripped away before our life together could even start? Why had he left me? There was no way I could make it without him…not after everything he’d done for me…not after what he’d become to me. I closed my eyes, trying to remember what he felt like. Trying to remember the feel of his hand in mine and the taste of his kiss. I tried to hear his voice once more, telling me he loved me. I tried to bring him back to me, but when I opened my eyes again, my world was still empty and Gabe was still gone.
I heard footsteps approaching and I turned my head to see Trey walking towards me. He was in full dress uniform and another police officer was with him, but the other officer was limping and using a cane. I recognized him from the news. It was Gabe’s partner.
My eyes locked with Trey’s and he seemed to slow down as he approached. Finally, though, he was beside me. He and I hadn’t had a chance to talk since Gabe was shot. I’d hardly spoken to anyone.
He didn’t say anything as he leaned down, enveloping me in his large frame.
“I’m so sorry,” Trey whispered and I heard his voice crack. My heart started breaking even more knowing how much he was hurting too. Trey had lost his best friend.
“I’m sorry too,” I whispered back and the tears started to come again as I thought about Gabe, knowing I’d never see him again. Knowing he was gone and he was never coming back.
Trey held me for a long while, but then he eased away and I wiped my eyes as my gaze moved to the man standing next to Trey.
“Sam,” Trey began, “this is Brent Jennings. He was Gabe’s partner.”
My eyes met Brent’s and I could see the pain in his. I could feel my lip trembling as I looked at him. He’d been with Gabe when it happened, but Gabe had died and he had not.
“Hi,” I said softly to Brent.
“I’m sorry about Gabe,” he began timidly and I nodded, not knowing what else to say. “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to save him.”
A tear streaked down Brent’s cheek and he batted at it quickly. I didn’t even realize I was doing it until I was. My hand was resting on his arm and I met his eyes.
“It’s not your fault,” I choked out.
“I know that, but I’m still sorry,” he said and it was quiet for a few moments. “I…I was with Gabe after it happened…while he was still conscious…while I tried to help him as we waited for help.”
I felt my throat starting to burn now as I looked into the anguished eyes of this man, knowing he’d been with Gabe during his final moments.
“I’ve been wanting to find you…to talk to you, but…but I didn’t want to upset you,” he said and his voice faded as my heart started to beat faster. “He was thinking of you.” I blinked and I felt the tears stream down my face as I waited for him to continue. “He couldn’t say much…but he said…he said your name. He said he was sorry. He said he loved you.”
I started to choke up, my hand coming to my mouth as I tried to keep my composure.
“He said that?” I managed to choke out and Brent nodded.
“He did,” he said softly. “I…I thought you should know.”
I couldn’t say anything as I closed my eyes, imagining him saying those words to me, knowing he was thinking of me as it happened, but scared to think of what Gabe had gone through.
“Did he seem afraid?” I asked nervously, my voice cracking as the tears kept falling. Brent shook his head.
“No,” he answered quietly. “He didn’t seem afraid. He was calm actually. He…he just wanted you to know.”
I locked eyes with Brent again, trying to thank him, but I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t find my voice. The only thing that would come were the tears and then I felt Trey’s arms around me again, holding me as I cried.
“I’m sorry,” I could hear Brent say and I pulled away from Trey. I couldn’t let Brent think he’d made a mistake by telling me.
“Thank you. Thank you for telling me,” I finally managed to get out. “Thank you for being with him.”
I reached for Brent, a man I’d never met, and hugged him tightly for a few long moments.
“He was a good man. A good partner,” he said into my ear and I pulled away, meeting his eyes and doing my best to smile.
“He was,” I agreed and we were quiet for a few more moments.
“Please let me know if you need anything,” Brent said and I nodded before he finally turned and walked away, leaving Trey and I.
“I hope that was okay,” he began. “He wasn’t sure if he should tell you. He didn’t want to upset you anymore.”
“I’m glad he did…I’m glad I know,” I said quietly as I wiped the tears from cheeks before meeting Trey’s eyes. “How are you handling everything?” I asked softly.
“I’m not,” he said, wiping at his eyes. “I’m still in shock. I keep thinking he’ll walk through the door.”
“Me too,” I whispered and it grew quiet again until I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. I looked over to see Carmen coming slowly toward me. Trey saw her too.
“I’m here if you need anything,” he said quietly, resting his hand on my arm for a second before turning and walking away as Carmen approached. She was beside me a moment later.
“He loved you very much,” she said softly after a few seconds.
I turned my head slowly and met her eyes.
“I loved him too,” I replied softly.
“I want to thank you for the joy you brought my son. For loving him the way you did,” she said, her voice stronger than I expected. “He was happy with you, Sam, and you don’t know the comfort that brings me. To know he was truly happy.”
Our eyes met. Her eyes were as deep and dark as Gabe’s and it was almost eerie looking into them, almost as if I was looking into Gabe’s and for a moment, I pretended I was, allowing me to be filled with all of our memories and for those few seconds, I was okay again. But then I blinked and I was shot back into my new reality, a reality where memories were all that were left of Gabe.
“I don’t know what Gabe told you about me,” I began softly, needing to tell his mother what he meant to me. “But, your son…he saved me in more ways than I can count. I’m not sure I’d even be here without him. He helped me to see that I deserve to be happy.” My voice caught in my throat. “He was everything to me,” I choked out and then the tears spilled down my face. Carmen took me in her arms and held me tightly as I sobbed.
“Then honor him,” she said gently in my ear. “Be the woman he fell in love with. Don’t let this destroy you. Live and be strong. Always.”
When she pulled back finally, she wiped the tears from her eyes and then squeezed my hand before turning away.
Once she was gone and I was alone again, her words kept playing in my head. Be the woman he fell in love with. Live and be strong. Always.
My eyes moved slowly back to the casket then, the sorrow still consuming my body as I wondered how I could ever go on and do what she said. I didn’t think I could because the hurt of missing him would always be too great.
A breeze picked up then from out of nowhere and for a second I swore I felt him beside me, his arms around me, wrapping me in his love. Love that would always be there even if he no longer was. Love that would stay with me for the rest of my life. Love that he’d shown me from the first day we met and it was in that moment that I thought maybe I could do what I knew he wanted me to do. Maybe his death wasn’t the end of my life as it felt it was right now. Maybe it was just the beginning.