Twenty-Four
Even though Worcester wasn’t that far from Boston, it felt like ages since I’d been back. Not since I’d graduated high school and Rachel and I moved to Boston. It was old and industrial looking and there was always a strange smell as you drove along the interstate. It wasn’t a glamorous town by any means and it lacked the charm so common of many places in New England. My sister used to say it was the armpit of Massachusetts and as I looked out the window, I’d have to agree. Then again, maybe it was my bias taking over because there were no good memories in this town. It was simply a place I’d once lived.
When I told Rachel I thought we should go, she was hesitant, but after my explanation, she saw my point, even if she didn’t completely agree with it and we decided to go. It would only be for a day and I told myself I could handle a day.
Gabe had offered to drive us. When he first broached the subject, I wanted to tell him hell no. If my stories weren’t enough to scare him away, seeing first hand where I came from would. When I saw the concern in his eyes though, I’d agreed. Deep down, I knew this was going to be hard enough and having him there would make it a little easier.
Rachel sat in the backseat, her nose buried in a book while I sat in the passenger seat, looking out the window at the old smoke stacks and abundance of crumbling brick buildings, that familiar smell permeating the car. My eyes focused ahead then and I saw the glowing white dome of the train station. It was a beautiful building that stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the others.
Gabe’s eyes were on the road, listening to his phone guide us to my mom’s house. He exited off the interstate and we made our way to the outskirts of Worcester where the trailer park where I’d spent much of my childhood came into view. Gabe slowed the car down as he made his way down the street. I felt a lump in my throat when my mom’s place came into view. It was just as I’d remembered it. Gabe must’ve sensed my anxiety because he reached across the console and took my hand. I looked at him and he smiled at me for a second, trying to reassure me, before focusing back on the road.
He eased the car to a stop in front of the mobile home and I heard Rachel sigh from the backseat. I knew she was as excited to be here as I was and our eyes met for a few seconds before we got out of the car.
“Looks the same, doesn’t it?” she asked quietly as we stood side by side.
“Yeah,” I said, my eyes wandering over the trailer.
“Should we go in?” she asked and I nodded. I felt her take my hand and then I felt Gabe’s hand on the small of my back as we walked towards the front door.
Rachel climbed the steps first and knocked, causing the door to rattle with a clanky metallic sound. A few moments later, I heard hurried footsteps coming and then the door swung open. My mom stood before us in a black dress that looked too big for her petite frame. Her hair was greasy and pulled back into a tight bun and her eyes were swollen as if she’d been crying for days.
“Hi, Mom,” Rachel said softly. My mom seemed to smile, but it only lasted a second before she pushed the door open and ushered us in, the smell of Tim’s chain smoking still lingering in the air.
Before I could look around, she was hugging Rachel and I at the same time, holding us as tightly as she could. I could tell she was crying and when she finally pulled back, there were tears on her cheeks and she was sniffling.
“Thank you for coming. Thank you so much for coming. It would’ve meant a lot to Tim,” she said, blowing her nose with a tissue that looked like it was almost shreds now.
“We’re here for you, Mom,” Rachel said firmly. She didn’t come right out and add that we weren’t here for Tim, but my mom had to have known.
“And I’m grateful for that,” she said, dabbing at her eyes, which then drifted to Gabe. I could see the curiosity on her face as she studied him.
“Mom,” I began, “this is Gabe Torres. I hope it’s alright that he came. He offered to drive us.”
“Nice to meet you, Mrs. Wheeler. I’m sorry for your loss,” he said, extending his hand. I’d made sure to fill him in on her surname, seeing as how she didn’t share the same last name as my sister or I.
“It’s nice to meet you too, Gabe,” she said and then looked at me. “Your boyfriend, I take it?”
“Um…” I said, not really knowing how to respond. Despite being practically inseparable, Gabe and I had yet to label our relationship and I didn’t want to start now without discussing it with him.
“Yes, Mrs. Wheeler, I’m Sam’s boyfriend.”
He turned his head so our eyes met. He had a smile on his face that I couldn’t help but match with my own. At least I knew where we stood officially, even though we’d both already known that.
“Well, thank you for coming, Gabe.”
My mom shook his hand again and I thought she liked him because she pulled him in for a hug a second later, Gabe nearly swallowing up my mother with this strong frame.
“Can I get you something to eat or drink?” my mom asked once she and Gabe had pulled away.
“I’m good,” I answered and I saw Rachel and Gabe declined as well as she led us further into the small trailer.
She gestured that we all should take a seat on the couch. I was sandwiched between Gabe and my sister as my mom sat on the old recliner Tim had always sat in. It’d been there for as long as I could remember and I was certain the seat had a permanent molding of his backside ingrained in it. He hardly ever left that chair except to get himself another beer or to beat somebody. I could feel the bitterness rising. I’d told myself I could come here and that I should come here, but now as I sat in the musty living room, I wasn’t so sure.
The trailer hadn’t changed much. It still had fake wood paneling on the walls and the same carpet that’d been there when I was a kid. The same pictures hung on the wall, but photos of Rachel and I were still absent. There’d never been a picture of us displayed in this house. I wasn’t sure my mom even had any of us.
The trailer was clean though. It always was. Tim had insisted on it. My mom didn’t work, so she spent her time tending to the house or to him. It’d been her life and as I looked at my mother now, I could see how lost she was.
“When do you want to head over to the funeral home?” Rachel asked. We’d planned our trip so we’d arrive shortly before the service to minimize how long we’d have to stay at the trailer before going.
“In just a few minutes probably. It’s not going to be a big service. You know how it was. Tim didn’t have a lot of friends,” she said, her voice cracking.
That was no surprise to me. Tim was a jerk to everyone he met. I knew in the past there were a few guys he’d play poker with sometimes or meet at the tavern down the street, but that was about it. Something told me those guys had many of the same traits as my dearly-departed stepfather.
“Do you want to ride with us?” Gabe asked and my mother smiled at him gratefully.
“That would be nice. Thank you,” she replied.
“Should we head over then?” I asked, wanting to get out of the trailer and the suffocating cigarette smell.
“Yes, we probably should,” my mom answered, standing up. We followed and after my mom gathered her things, we walked back out in the chilly air. I breathed in the fresh air, grateful to be out of that place. I’d take the smell of Worcester any day over that trailer.
~~~
I’d never been in a funeral home before. I guess that was a good thing because that meant I’d never known anybody that had died. It seemed oddly normal, not ghoulish in anyway as I’d imagined. There was a man in a suit greeting us and a guest book to sign. I quickly scrawled my name inside followed by my sister and then Gabe. My mom left with another worker shortly after we signed the book. They disappeared into another room and then Gabe, Rachel and I made our way into the small chapel.
My eyes immediately focused on the oak casket. The lid was up and I felt a pit in my stomach. I had no desire to see Tim’s face again. I looked over to Rachel and could tell she felt the same way.
There were a few people sitting in chairs. They were dressed in suits, but I could tell they were Tim’s drinking and poker buddies. I wanted to sit in the back, but we were here for my mother and sitting in the back wasn’t an option.
I followed my sister to the front row where we sat down, making sure to leave a place for our mom. The room was so quiet as we waited. I was afraid to say anything for fear it would draw attention to us. Instead, we sat silently. I felt Gabe’s arm drape around me. I liked the reminder that he was there.
I wasn’t sure if I’d been deliberately avoiding it, but my eyes focused on the casket as we sat in the silence. I could see Tim’s profile sticking out and his hands were folded on his stomach. I just stared for a few moments, a sick feeling brewing in my stomach. And then, for whatever reason, I felt myself stand up and walk slowly to the edge of the casket. I had no desire to see him and yet, here I stood.
I glanced down and then came face to face with Tim. It didn’t look like him. He looked almost like plastic. He was obviously the shell of what he used to be. I knew he was harmless. He couldn’t hurt anyone and yet, the fear was there. The fear had never left. I felt my lip trembling as I stared down at him as the pain he’d caused my family raced through my mind. And then a tear fell down my cheek as the hurt he’d caused me flooded my body. I hated him. I hated what he’d done and I was glad he was gone. I wiped at my eyes discreetly, not wanting anyone to see me and think I was crying for Tim. I wasn’t crying for him. I was crying for me.
I felt a hand on my back then and I turned to find Gabe beside me. Our eyes met, but he didn’t say anything. He simply kissed me on the temple before I turned and sat back down.