Fifteen
I’m not sure how long I sat on the floor crying. I had never allowed myself to cry for me and the place in which I found myself. I’d never cried for what Tyler had done to me and so I sat on the floor, my back against the door, crying until there was nothing left. I’d finally pulled myself together as best I could and went to my room, throwing on my pajamas and crawling under the covers. I’d stared up at the ceiling at nothing, praying my mind would simply shut down, that somehow the feeling of Tyler’s fingers curling around my skin would go away. That I would no longer remember every time he hit me. That I could forget when he’d raped me. Even though I’d thought I’d shed all the tears I could, the memory of that night at the frat house when I’d told him no and he didn’t stop, caused the tears to pour out of me again. I’d said no and yet he continued, holding me down as I cried, as I begged him to stop, thinking this time he might actually kill me. The memory was too much and I turned on my side, hiding under the covers wondering how I’d become this person and praying it would all go away until it finally did and I fell asleep.
When I woke up, I looked at my cell phone. It was just after six. Rachel would be home. She’d be asleep though, which meant I had a few hours to get myself together and pretend like everything was fine.
I crawled out of the warmth of my blankets and went straight to the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy and mascara stained since I hadn’t washed my face before falling asleep. There were purple bags under them too. I looked like crap and I turned on the faucet, quickly washing my face with warm water, hoping that would help. When I looked in the mirror though, I knew it hadn’t and so I just dried my face and made my way to the kitchen. Perhaps coffee would help.
I walked quietly so as not to wake Rachel, but when I stepped into the kitchen, I stopped in my tracks the moment I saw my sister sitting at the counter, her hands wrapped around a coffee cup, still in her scrubs.
“Rachel,” I said, the confusion apparent in my voice and she looked up so our eyes met. “I thought you’d be asleep.”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
“Why not? Is everything okay?” I asked, taking a seat next to her.
“I don’t know, Sam. You tell me,” she said, her eyes resting on mine.
“I’m fine, Rache,” I said, wondering if I sounded as unconvincing to her as I did to myself.
“You’re not fine. I know Tyler came by again last night,” she said and I felt myself freeze. There was no way she could know. I didn’t want her to know. I didn’t want her to worry about me. She’d spent too much of her life worrying about me. “Gabe told me.”
“Gabe?” I whispered and I saw her eyes filling with tears.
“He was sitting outside our door when I got home an hour ago.”
“What?” I gasped.
“I came up the stairs and there he was. Looked tired as hell, but he’d been there all night.”
“All night?” I whispered as my lip started to tremble.
“He told me he was afraid to leave you alone after Tyler showed up. He was worried Tyler might try something and he didn’t want you here alone after you told him to leave.”
“Oh my gosh,” I whispered, covering my mouth with my hand. “I…I can’t believe he did that.”
“Neither can I. He seems pretty incredible actually,” she said, dabbing at her eyes while I tried to fight the tears in my own. “No one’s ever done anything like that for us before, Sam. Never.”
“I know,” I said softly, blinking and the tears I’d been struggling with fell silently down my cheeks.
“You’ve got to do something about Tyler. You have to,” she sighed, wiping at her eyes again. “Do you remember anything about the night you fell? Anything at all?”
“No, but Tyler’s got nothing to do with that night,” I said, but I could feel the doubts; the cloudy memories and gut feelings that were so mysterious to me.
“He’s got everything to do with it and nothing’s going to convince me otherwise.”
“Please don’t do this, Rachel. Please,” I said, reaching for a napkin and wiping my face. “He wasn’t even in the country. He couldn’t have done it.”
“Tyler Reeves is capable of anything,” she said fiercely and a pit formed in my stomach because I knew she was right. “He’s harassing you now. You’ve got to report it. Gabe mentioned possibly getting a restraining order. That way he can’t come near you.”
“I…I can’t, Rache. I can’t. That’ll just upset him more and his father won’t let it happen. You know that.”
“I don’t care who his father is. You’ve got to do something.”
“He’ll stop. He’s just angry.”
“Men like him don’t stop. Not until they have what they want. And he wants you, Sam.”
Her words sent a shiver up my spine. I knew she was right. Tyler was violent and jealous. He always wanted what he couldn’t have and I’d told him he couldn’t have me.
“Tell me you’ll at least think about it,” Rachel said, reaching over and taking my hand with hers. “I love you, Sam, and if anything ever happened to you…”
“Nothing’s happening to me.”
“You don’t know that. Please talk to Gabe. He’ll guide you on what you have to do. He’s a cop for God’s sakes,” she said and I felt myself stiffen. I could tell Rachel had noticed by the way she was looking at me. “What is it?”
“I…I don’t think I’ll be seeing Gabe anymore,” I answered softly.
“What are you talking about? Why not?” she exclaimed quietly.
“You know why.”
“No. I don’t know why. I think he’s a great guy. Since you’ve been seeing him, I’m seeing you happy again for the first time in a long time. Especially since Tyler came into your life. So, why aren’t you going to see Gabe anymore?” she pressed.
“I’m too messed up. My life is too messed up. You don’t know him like I do. You haven’t heard him talk about his family. His perfect family. His perfect life. I’m none of that and he doesn’t need me in that life.”
“Apparently, he doesn’t agree because a guy who doesn’t want you in his life sure as hell wouldn’t sit outside your door for hours just to make sure you were safe.” Her sarcasm was thick and she looked right into my eyes. “Just talk to him, Sam. Give him a chance. Trust him. I think he’s earned it.” I felt the tears in my eyes again, but I nodded and she leaned in and hugged me. “I love you,” she whispered into my ear as she held me.
“Love you too,” I whispered back before we pulled away. “You need to get some sleep, Rachel.”
“I know,” she agreed. “I’m going to go try now.”
She patted me gently on the cheek the way I imagined a mother would to comfort her child. She wasn’t my mother though. She was my sister, but she was really the only mother I’d ever known and I saw the hurt in her eyes. The hurt from knowing I was hurt and I didn’t want Rachel to hurt.
She finally turned and walked quietly down the hall and my attention drifted to the door. How long had I sat there crying while he sat on the other side, making sure I was safe? Had he heard me cry? Had he felt my pain? If he had, it hadn’t scared him away. It’d done the opposite. He’d stayed there all night and for no other reason than for me. He was a good man, something I’d never seen in my life, but I’d sent him away. He wanted to help me and I’d pushed him away. He didn’t deserve that and I didn’t deserve him.