Four
Tyler passed out when he was done with me and I lay there, still in shock at what had just happened. I waited until I knew he wasn’t going to wake up and I carefully got up, moving slowly so I wouldn’t disturb him. I didn’t know what he’d do if he woke up and caught me trying to leave.
I found my stockings, sliding them on and straightening my dress as best I could. Then I caught my reflection in the mirror he had hanging on his wall. I didn’t recognize the girl I saw. I was broken. Then my eyes moved to the bed where he was sprawled out. He had broken me and I felt the tears burning, threatening to fall down my already tear-stained face.
I opened the door as quietly as I could, tiptoeing out and then walking quickly downstairs, finding my coat and sneaking towards the door but stopped when I heard my name being called. I turned to see Keaton coming towards me.
“Are you okay?” he asked me over the music.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Just heading home,” I said, trying my best to sound like nothing was wrong.
“Where’s Tyler?” He started looking around before bringing his eyes back to me.
“Upstairs in his room. I’m sure he’ll be down soon, but I’ve gotta get home.”
“You’re sure you’re okay?” He laid his hand on my arm gently and when he looked into my eyes, I knew he knew I wasn’t okay. I couldn’t answer him though, so I nodded instead.
“Thank you, Keaton,” I said softly and before he could say anything else, I slipped my arm from his hand and I walked out.
I was numb as I sat on the T and I made my way robotically up to the apartment. It was quiet when I walked in and the lights were off. I was relieved that my sister was asleep. She’d know something was wrong if she saw me. There was no way I could hide anything from her. I’d never been able to keep anything from her.
I was as quiet as I could be as I made my way around the apartment and straight to the bathroom. All I could think about was getting to the shower and letting the hot water run over my body, washing the memory of this night away.
I turned on the shower, stepped out of my clothes and found myself staring at the reflection of my naked body. My eyes focused on the bruises that had started to form…the splotches of purple and green surfacing on my forearms from when he’d grabbed me and threw me against the wall. I reached up, touching the scratch I hadn’t even known was there when he’d slapped me.
It wasn’t the first time he’d hit me or the first time he’d left marks on my body. After the first time, he’d come begging for my forgiveness, promising he’d never do it again. It was a lie. I knew it back then, but I’d let him back in and each time it happened, he cried in apology, telling me he was sorry and I kept letting him back in. I told myself I loved him and I told myself that he loved me, but as I looked at my battered body now, I knew if he loved me, he wouldn’t hurt me. My lip started to tremble and I couldn’t stand to look at myself anymore. I was ashamed of the girl staring back at me.
~~~
I was groggy waking up the next morning. When I’d finally gone to bed, it’d been late and I hadn’t slept well. My sister was sitting on the edge of my bed, nudging my shoulder as I lay buried under the comforter, hiding from the world.
“Sam…Sam,” she kept saying as she tried to wake me. “You need to wake up.”
“What is it, Rache?” I asked, pulling the covers over my head. I didn’t care what time it was, even though it was obviously late by the way the light had filled my room. I didn’t have anywhere to be until five o’clock for work. Until then, I was staying in this bed.
“I’m going to the market. Do you need anything?”
“No, whatever you get is fine,” I mumbled.
“You know, you could offer to come with me. You know how much I detest grocery shopping. Some company would make it slightly more tolerable.”
“I’m tired,” I groaned, but then I felt the covers being ripped off me as my sister tore me from my cocoon of warmth.
“It’s nearly eleven o’clock. You need to get up.”
“Stop treating me like a child!” I snapped, grabbing the blanket back.
“Then stop acting like one,” she said, pulling it back again.
“You never know when to stop, Rachel. Can you just get the hell out of my room? Leave me the damn list and I’ll go shopping if that’ll shut you up and get you off my back!”
“What crawled up your butt this morning?” Rachel yanked the covers back again, this time more forcefully to the point, my entire body was exposed.
“Just…just don’t, Rache,” I said and I could feel my lip trembling suddenly. My sister looked at me, her eyes moving over my body curiously.
“What’s the matter?” she asked, her voice suddenly gentle, a far cry from the banter only seconds before.
“Nothing. I just need to sleep,” I sighed, reaching for the covers that were now bunched at the foot of the bed, but then I felt her hand grab my arm.
“What the hell is that?”
“What the hell is what?” I asked.
“That!” she said, her voice raising and I saw where her eyes were resting: on the black and blue marks on my forearm that had been exposed when my sleeves hiked up as I grabbed for the blankets.
“I ran into a wall at work.”
“You ran into a wall?” She was staring at me, her eyebrow raised.
“Yes. I had a tray of food and another girl was coming at me with her tray and I tried to step aside and ran into the wall. The plates went everywhere. It was a mess.”
“Bullcrap.” Her voice was flat and my heart started to pound just like it always did when I was lying.
“It’s not bullcrap. I ran into a wall. Now drop it.”
“He did it, didn’t he?”
“No,” I said quickly, pulling the covers up to me closely.
“Did you get that cut on your face from the wall too?” she asked cynically.
“Don’t, Rachel,” I said softly. “Please. Just…just don’t.”
My eyes locked with my sister’s and I could see the tears pooling in them. I’d seen that look too many times before and I couldn’t stand to look at her anymore. Instead, my eyes drifted down to the floral comforter I was clutching.
“Why do you stay with him, Sam?” Her voice was soft, but I heard it crack and when I finally looked up at her, she was wiping at the corners of her eyes.
“He didn’t mean it. Sometimes…when he gets drunk…” I began, but my voice faded when I heard Rachel sniffle.
“You sound just like her, you know that?” my sister said and I could see the pain on her face.
“I don’t sound like her. I’m nothing like Mom,” I said defensively.
“You’re exactly like her,” she retorted and it grew quiet as we stared at each other until she finally spoke again. “Do you remember huddling in the closet with me, praying for it stop?” Her voice was quiet and gentle as we were both transported back in time.
“Of course, I remember,” I whispered as I thought of Rachel holding me, telling me it was going to be alright…that it’d be over soon and that she wouldn’t let him hurt me. Sometimes when it was really quiet, I could still hear our mother crying and I could still hear the sound of his hand making contact with her. I could still hear the horrible things he said to her and thinking it was somehow my fault.
“She said the same thing too…that he didn’t mean it and that it wasn’t going to happen again, but it always happened again.”
“Tyler didn’t do this. I told you I ran into a wall.”
She sighed heavily and then stood up, glaring down at me.
“Dammit, Samantha! When are you going to wake up?” she was shouting now and when I looked at her, I couldn’t help it when a tear fell down my cheek. My sister had done everything to keep me safe. She was the reason we’d gotten out of there. She was the reason we’d left it all behind and somehow, without even realizing it, I was right back where I started from.
“He hurts you! I know he does! You’re not the same person you were before you met him! Why do you let him do this to you?”
I was sobbing now as her words ran through me. I didn’t know the answer to her question. I didn’t know what to say her…to this woman I loved more than anyone in the world…the woman who’d done more for me than anyone ever had.
“I can’t talk about this right now,” I said softly, wiping my face on the blanket.
“You can’t ever talk about it! Whenever I bring it up, you’ve got some kind of excuse and I haven’t said much because I’ve only had my suspicions until now. Until that!” She pointed at my bruises, her voice raising.
“I’m done with him!” I shouted back at her.
“No, you’re not.”
“I am,” I said, my voice dropping in defeat as I met her eyes again and I hated the way she was looking at me…with nothing but disgust and disappointment.
“You should’ve been done with him the first time he laid a hand on you.” Her words were sharp and they stung as she glared at me once more before turning and slamming my bedroom door behind her.
I heard her shuffling around the apartment as she gathered her things and I knew she was gone when the front door slammed this time. I couldn’t move for a second. I couldn’t get the look on my sister’s face out of my mind. I didn’t usually care what people thought of me, but I cared what Rachel thought of me because she’d done everything for me and I hated that I was hurting her.
I pulled the comforter even tighter, burying my face in it for a moment, holding my breath as long as I could, hoping when I finally came up for air, I’d awaken from this nightmare I’d found myself in.
~~~
Rachel came back a couple of hours later. We didn’t say anything as we unloaded the bags and when we were done she went to her room. I didn’t blame her for being angry with me. She’d tried being gentle before and I’d always brushed her off. I knew this time was coming. I knew she wasn’t going to sit back and believe my lies forever and it’d finally come to a head.
We both had to work and she finally emerged from her room in her scrubs and jacket, ready to leave. I still had another hour before I had to be to O’Leary’s and I’d been sitting on the couch, reading a book for one of my classes, hoping she’d come out and talk to me. By the way she grabbed her purse and headed for the door, I didn’t think talking was on her agenda.
“I’m sorry, Rachel,” I said just as her hand touched the doorknob. I heard her sigh and she turned to me.
“I’m sorry too.” Her voice was soft now, so different than when we’d last spoken.
“I’m done with him. I mean it this time. I’m done.”
She didn’t say anything for a moment as she continued to look at me.
“I hope you mean that,” she said and then she came over, kissing me on the forehead. “I love you, Sam. You deserve so much more than him.”
She didn’t wait for my response before opening the door and walking out, leaving me alone in the apartment. We may have apologized to each other, but that didn’t change the way she was feeling towards me.
I went back to my book, but I couldn’t concentrate. I kept reading the same paragraph over and over and I finally gave up, deciding to make some dinner before I had to get ready for work. I decided on a grilled chicken salad since Rachel had just gone to the market. It didn’t take me long to prepare it and I sat down in front of the TV as I ate.
The buzzer to our apartment went off a few minutes later and I walked nervously over to it. We rarely got visitors aside from my sister’s friends and they all knew she was working. When I pushed the button, I had an idea whose voice would greet me.
“Sam. It’s me.” Tyler’s voice was soft and anxious, but I felt my stomach turn at the sound of it and images of his cruelty the night before began to flood my mind. I had to stay strong. I’d told my sister I was done with him and I meant it. I couldn’t let him get to me again.
“I can’t talk right now, Tyler,” I answered, hoping my voice sounded strong. I didn’t feel strong, but I didn’t want him to know that.
“Please, Sam. Just for a minute. Please.” He was begging now. I could hear the sadness in his voice and I felt myself getting choked up.
“I’m sorry, Tyler, but I can’t.”
I let go of the button so he could no longer speak to me and I turned back to my salad. My appetite was suddenly gone and so I dumped the rest of it down the garbage disposal. I hadn’t even realized I was shaking until I pushed the salad with trembling hands into the drain.
I went to my bedroom then, changing into my jeans and my O’Leary’s shirt before pulling my hair back in a French braid. I put my makeup on and then pulled on my coat and shoes before grabbing my purse and walking out of the apartment.
I made my way down the stairs and pushed open the door to the building, stepping into the cool fall air as I turned right to head to the pub.
“Sam!”
His voice caused me to stop dead in my tracks and I turned to see Tyler coming towards me, walking slowly and holding a bouquet of flowers. It’d been a half an hour since I’d spoken with him on the intercom. I hadn’t expected he’d be waiting for me outside my apartment.
“I told you I can’t talk, Tyler. I have to get to work.”
“Please, Sam. Just give me two minutes.”
His face was soft and kind and regretful. I told myself not to be sucked in by his charm as he held out the flowers to me. I didn’t take them and he looked confused for a second before pulling them back to him.
“I don’t really remember everything about last night,” he began, his eyes looking confused as if he was trying to recall. “I have flashes of what happened and I know we fell asleep together, but when I woke up this morning you were gone. Keaton said he saw you leave and you seemed upset. The guy asked me what I’d done to you.”
I stood there, unable to speak. He’d assaulted me and yet he claimed to not remember any of it.
“Are you serious, Tyler?” I scoffed.
“About what?”
“You don’t remember anything?”
“I remember some. I know I was trashed and I know I got upset at you and we argued, but I don’t remember much more.”
I felt tears pooling in the corners of my eyes as I remembered his hands on me…remembered him forcing himself on me.
“You don’t recall hitting me and then forcing me to have sex with you?” I managed to get out through the lump in my throat.
I watched as his face went pale and he closed his eyes tightly for a second before opening them again.
“You don’t remember any of that?” I asked and he shook his head. “You’re a damn liar, Tyler.” I wiped at my eyes and he reached for me.
“I couldn’t have done that,” he said and I pulled off my coat, showing him the bruises on my arm.
“You did,” I spat as he his eyes focused on it.
“I’m so sorry, baby.” He reached for me again, but I slapped his hand away.
“Don’t touch me,” I seethed quietly, not wanting to draw any attention to ourselves.
“Listen, Sam…I…I would never hurt you on purpose.”
“Then what about all the other times? What about the other times you’ve hit me?”
He clenched his jaw tightly, looking away for a moment before drawing his gaze back to mine.
“Yes. Sometimes my anger gets the best of me, but I don’t mean to. I’m so sorry, Sam. I promise, I’ll never do it again. You have to believe me.”
“You always say it won’t happen again, but it always does. Last night was the last time. We’re done, Tyler.”
A tear streaked down my face as I said the words, not because I was sad I was breaking up with him, but because I’d ever let him do this to me in the first place.
“No. You don’t mean that.” He reached for my hand, taking it and pulling me to him. I yanked it away as hard as I could and he just stood there, staring at me.
“I told you not to touch me,” I said forcefully and he remained quiet for a few moments, our eyes locked.
“I know things got out of hand last night…” he began before I cut him off.
“Out of hand?” I said, stepping closer to him so only he could hear the next words that left my mouth. “You raped me.” My voice was low and I shuddered when I heard the words leave my mouth.
“I did not,” he said defensively. “You can’t rape your own girlfriend.”
I stepped back, my mouth hanging open as I listened to his logic.
“I said no and you didn’t stop. That’s the definition of rape,” I whispered through the tears that were streaking down my face now.
“Sam,” he said softly and I looked up to meet his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I swear though…it’ll never happen again. I’ll see a counselor or something, but please don’t tell me we’re through. Please.”
He looked pathetic as he begged. I could see the sorrow on my face and I hated to admit that part of me wanted to believe him. Part of me wanted to tell him we could try and work this out…that he could go to a therapist or somebody and see if maybe he could change, but I shook my head. I couldn’t do it. I thought about what my sister had said. I didn’t deserve this from him.
“I can’t do this anymore, Tyler,” I said.
“No, Sam,” he said adamantly. “Don’t do this.”
“We’re done. Please…just leave me alone.”
Our eyes locked then. He’d been docile during our entire exchange, but I could see the anger in his eyes now.
“You don’t want to do this, Sam,” he warned and I told myself not to be afraid of him.
“Goodbye, Tyler,” I said, turning and walking briskly in the direction of O’Leary’s. I could hear his footsteps following behind and then he grabbed my arm, spinning me around to face him.
“Don’t walk away from me,” he threatened.
“I should’ve walked away a long time ago,” I said, matching his tone. “Now, let me go and stay the hell out of my life.”
I yanked my arm from his grasp and continued walking even faster and this time, he didn’t follow me.