“Coffee?” Josh offered when he caught sight of Ray at the kitchen table with his laptop.

“Yeah, thanks,” Ray said. No smiles, not even a glance.

He gave it to him, black with too much sugar just like he liked it, the spoon propped on top so he could mix it to his satisfaction. He might have paused a moment too long before turning back to the counter to his own drink—but Ray didn’t react.

He concentrated on letting the tea brew for exactly a minute and a half and tried to keep his body from giving away his distress.

After their failed visit to Freggo's—Ray hadn't even finished his ice-cream—Ray had closed right up.

It was stupid because he’d spent the last two months wondering if Ray had meant his confession the way Josh had meant his, and if those feelings could survive everything they’d been through. And now he knew: they had. He knew because he could feel their absence now. Like a hole right in the middle of his chest, a combination of nausea, fear and crushing guilt.

He dropped the teabag in the sink, knowing it’d piss someone off but unable to spare the time to open the cupboard under the sink to get to the organic bin before he walked out.

Josh knew he was doing the right thing, that Ray was okay. Or getting there, at least. He was not only talking to his mother and Marisa regularly, but seemed to have decided to give Gabriel a chance to make it up to him—and his cousin had dived into it with his usual dedication. Ray had also welcomed Sergi’s interest in his art now that Josh had stopped trying to wedge his way in.

Josh closed his bedroom door behind himself, allowed himself a moment to lean back against it and just breathe. It might have been right, but it didn’t make it stop hurting.

Maybe it was stupid to expect the right thing to be easy, but it had always been easy before. He’d had Ray’s attention for so long, and not just his attention, really. Because Ray had needed him. And it wasn’t the same as Ray wanting him, or choosing him. But it felt pretty close. Ray had trusted him, and relied on him, and it’d been...

Only he wasn’t doing it for Ray. Ray had made a choice and Josh had made his own. For himself.

It was not just Ray who had needed Josh; Josh had needed Ray. Not to help with homework that was late because Ray had been washing the dishes or helping out with something else at home his mum couldn’t cope with, not with a place to crash when he couldn’t put up with more screaming children running around. No, strangely Josh had needed some of the very things Ray needed less of. He’d needed the warmth of a puppy pile, and the TV too loud because somebody was always talking over it, and delicious food served on mismatched plates that often came with hilarious stories. And he’d needed to be Ray’s comfort, his safe place, his secret keeper.

He had needed Ray to love him, and he’d settled for Ray needing him.

It had worked out okay for them both until Josh had confused the needs of Ray’s wolf with Ray’s own. He’d given Ray what he thought he needed because he always had and he hadn’t even thought to ask if he was right.

He’d always known before—it was part of his constant watching, his hopeless admiring from afar.

But he’d been wrong. Ray hadn’t needed to be bonded and bred as soon as he presented, he’d needed time to think about his options—even as little time as a few hours. He’d needed Josh to be the shield against the chaos his life had fallen into. And Josh had failed him.

But he wouldn’t fail him again. And he wouldn’t fail himself.

He wasn’t hiding how he felt anymore, and he wouldn’t let Ray pretend it wasn’t real. Ray had a right to think giving into what he felt for Josh was a mistake, but he could not ask Josh to be his First Alpha like it had no effect on him.

Or like it would have no effect on Ray.

Even if Ray had felt nothing for Josh—and Josh was sure that wasn’t true—it would have still required them to have sex. Sex Ray was most definitely not ready to have after being raped not even a month earlier. Sex Josh wasn’t ready to have before Ray could talk about what had happened and how he felt.

Josh would have done almost anything else for him, but he couldn’t let him make a permanent decision like that when he was still in shock from what had happened. It wouldn’t have been fair. It wouldn’t have been right. If you loved someone, you were supposed to free them and hope they returned to you.

Josh couldn’t undo the mark he’d left on Ray’s neck, but he could keep them both from making the same mistake again. He didn’t know why they’d gotten a reprieve from Ray’s heats—another full moon had gone by and Ray had stayed inside with the babies, trusting the betas to keep his alphas in check—but he was not going to hasten the inevitable.

Maybe he was just being selfish. It wasn’t about what Ray needed, but about what Josh needed. He needed to understand what had happened, not just the facts but to Ray, in his head, in his body and heart. He needed to know Ray was okay, that Ray could welcome his touch, that somehow he could fix what that bastard had broken. Or maybe what they had all broken when they’d gone from first meeting to mating in a single night.

And maybe it was too much to ask, but he was done pretending he didn’t have needs of his own.

&

He gave Ray a little space, but by the end of the week he’d had enough of both the cold shoulder and not talking to his best friend.

It so happened they were scheduled to babysit and cook dinner together because everyone else was out. They’d lucked out and the kids had fallen prey to the well-earned nap that was the natural consequence of their first excursion into the wild that morning—Sergi and Iesu had convinced Ray to let them go hunt rabbits in the area surrounding the house. They had just caught a squirrel, but Josh thought it was time well-spent if it meant Ray loosened the reigns a little and the pups got some exercise that didn’t involve destroying furniture.

“Ray,” he said softly. Something in his tone must have alerted his friend that he was serious because he looked up from rummaging through the fridge and actually met Josh’s eyes. “I’m sorry, okay?” Ray started to shake his head but Josh raised a hand. “I know I hurt your feelings, and that you are afraid. It’s not... It’s not that I don’t want to, you know that, right?”

“No, you just think it’s your decision,” Ray said curtly. He slammed the lettuce a little too hard against the counter. “As usual.”

“Whether I become your First Alpha?” Josh asked incredulously. “Hell, yeah, of course it’s my decision!”

“That’s not what you have a problem with and we both know it,” Ray shot back. “You coordinated this whole thing and now you think you can manage my recovery or some shit.”

“I’m not—”

“I don’t need you to babysit me,” Ray interrupted. He winced a little, his wolf unhappy with the open defiance to his alpha, probably. It made Josh’s stomach twist—if he could have turned off all those fucking instincts and...

But of course they wouldn’t have a problem if it wasn’t for their instincts. They never had before, Ray and he. And deep down, under all the bullshit, they still didn’t. They had both made some mistakes, but if Ray could just see...

He exhaled. “I’m not trying to babysit you, or control you, or whatever it is you think. I am trying to not screw up. Not screw you up and not screw myself up by doing something I will regret when I see how much it’s hurt you.”

“You are not trying to control me, sure,” Ray replied, he was holding a knife, which was fortunate because the metallic handle could probably withstand the tightness of his grip better than most kitchen utensils. “You just get to decide what will hurt me and forbid me from doing it.”

“Forbid?” Josh echoed. “What—? I didn’t tell you what you could do or not, just that I—” He stopped himself because it was quite obvious what he was implying. Josh didn’t want to sleep with Ray, but Ray could sleep with someone else.

It was too late, Ray’s expression had shuttered. He gave a tiny nod, more to himself than to Josh, then spoke, “I had sex.”

Josh stared at him, his brain not quite able to comprehend the words. Ray was still uncomfortable with casual touch sometimes—particularly if he wasn’t expecting it—and he’d... “You— But...”

“It was fine. I’m fine,” Ray said, but his heart was beating too fast already for Josh to tell if it’d skipped a beat. “I can... I can do it if I want to.”

“Sergi,” Josh said softly, realisation feeling like lead in his stomach.

Ray shrugged, not denying it but clearly unwilling to discuss it. “You get it now?” he demanded.

Josh swallowed, looking away. He shouldn’t have felt this bad. He’d known Ray was free to sleep with any of his mates. And they were all his mates equally; what right did Josh have to resent Sergi for doing this for Ray when Josh himself had refused?

“I’m glad you are okay,” he managed after a minute.

Ray growled in frustration. “Do not get all polite with me.”

Josh looked up in surprise. “Polite? What else do you want me to say? That I think getting back into it too early might end up making it worse? That I’m afraid for you?”

“You could try the truth,” Ray suggested, teeth bared, words over-enunciated like he was having trouble keeping his voice even. “Tell me you don’t want a mutual bond with me because it’d mean having to deal with how fucked up I am.”

“I don’t care!” Josh said, too loudly. He looked towards the living room, but the goddess either loved or hated him because none of the babies reacted. He turned back to Ray and made himself speak slowly. “Listen to my heart very carefully. I never want to hear you use me as a reason to call yourself names. I love you. As a friend, as a lover too, and no matter what you feel for me, I want to be with you forever. That includes a mutual bond and... and a mutual relationship, if...” He put down the half peeled potato, struggling to find the right words. “You have been... You have been my best friend for as long as I can remember and I always thought I knew you pretty well. But I was wrong about bonding so fast, and I still— I still need to work on forgiving myself for that. And I think you need that too, even though you have been acting like you are over it.” He met Ray’s eyes for as long as he could bear. “You should have that time, that’s all I wanted. To give you time to process all the crazy things that have happened in the last year. And if I was wrong about sex, I’m sorry about that too. It’s not because I’m trying to control you, it’s not... I don’t think I could bear it if I scared you or made you feel... I would rather die, Ray, than to ever hurt you that badly again.”

“You won’t,” Ray insisted quietly.

“You don’t know that, and the least I owe both of us is to be as careful as I can.” Ray didn’t say anything and Josh realised he hadn’t addressed the point. “I’m... I’m glad Sergi was there to help you,” he said, and he thought it was the truth but his heart was beating too hard for him to tell. “I’m glad you have other people who love you.”

“I thought... you would be angry.” Ray said and Josh heard the knife clatter on the counter.

Josh shook his head, not looking at him. He didn’t think he could hear this if he had to see Ray’s face. “I wasn’t what you wanted, I get it.”

“What?” Ray snapped. “I asked you first.”

Josh exhaled. “You asked me to become your First Alpha, to perform a duty to our pack. It has nothing to do with asking Sergi to have sex with you to...” He hesitated, not wanting to offend, but everything was a landmine. “Because you wanted to,” he decided in the end.

Ray gaped at him. “Yes, but—”

Josh interrupted him, it was either speak or scream. “Just imagine someone you have confessed your feelings to coming over and asking you to have sex with them to magically create better surveillance.” His omega was most definitely getting a faceful of his emotions because Josh was too worked up to keep them back, but maybe the half-bond could be of some use for once. Maybe Ray needed to see what he’d done first hand to believe it. “And then you are smart enough to say no because it’d be pretty messed up during and after, and they get angry at you.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Ray protested as soon as Josh stopped. “It wasn’t in... in a vacuum! There was context, we talked about how we felt about each other. I mean, I didn’t ask Sergi for that, did I?”

“Ray, we talked about it before you were kidnapped... And, anyway, you made it pretty clear you didn’t want to create tension in the pack by being with me like that,” Josh reminded him. “And the other day in Freggo’s, you didn’t say anything about feelings, it was all about how much easier it’d be to protect the pack if we both knew where everyone was.”

He turned his back to Ray, afraid of what his face might reveal. “You know what? You keep complaining that I treat you like an omega and want to make choices for you. Well, you treat me like an alpha. Like I’m... I’m only important because I can help you through heat, and protect you, and provide what you need.” He barely bit out the words that came next; Like this is my fault. “And you never even ask what I need, what I want. And it doesn’t matter if you can return my feelings or not, you should still be my friend. And that isn’t how you treat a friend.”

“Josh—”

“Don’t,” he said quickly, and swallowed, suddenly noticing his face was wet. “I can’t. I can’t be strong and have no feelings, and I can’t just bury everything I feel all the time. I need— Space. Time. I don’t know. Something. Until you can treat me as a friend, think about what I need too...”

“Josh, I’m really sorry,” Ray whispered. “I... You are right. Maybe we need time to try and remember we are friends first.”

He sounded like he would say more but Maria’s powerful lungs interrupted them, forcing him to rush to the living room. Josh held back, just long enough to wash and dry his face—he could tell when a cry was a real emergency by now. He found Ray sitting Clara down on the sofa and growling a soft order to stay. Staying still was definitely an appropriate punishment for their little adventurer.

“Hair?” he asked, seeing Ray go over to Maria and pick her up.

“Maybe we should cut it off,” Ray suggested as he struggled to untangle the knots the curls had acquired from too inexpert manipulation.

“But it’s so pretty,” Josh replied, a little hesitant.

“Who cares? She’s a little young to be staring at herself in mirrors, and I’m sure it’ll make her happier not to get it pulled by the others all the time.”

“You think Gabriel is gonna sign off on that?” Josh asked, pushing Jamie towards the jungle gym and away from the TV—they’d mostly baby-proofed the house already, but after Clara had broken the baby gate by shaking it, it’d become evident that they couldn’t rely on human machines to do the job well for superhuman babies.

Ray kissed Maria’s cheek and deposited her on the sofa in view of the TV. “I got this, if you—” He stopped so abruptly that Josh turned to check if he was okay.

So he was already looking his way when Ray offered him a guilty smile. “Do you want to cook or stay with them?”

It was a deliberate effort, and it was meant to look that way. Ray normally decided who did what in the house like they were extra limbs available to him to complete all the work.

Marisa’s rota had helped with that a little—she’d asked them all once what they liked and hated and tried her best to fit it with their jobs and other obligations. If she messed up, you always had the chance to approach her and ask her to swap with someone else. More often than not, Marisa volunteered herself.

It was considerably more relaxed and it made everyone feel like they were truly doing their parts but not being taken advantage of. But for Ray, who had got used to running the house because he never left it, it was still pretty natural to decide who was making dinner and who was changing nappies without consulting any of the participants involved.

Josh hadn’t even realised how annoying it was until now when he was offered a choice instead. It wasn’t how things had been between them before; Ray was bossy by nature and being in charge of his younger siblings had only exacerbated the trait. He had told Josh what to do when they were kids, and Josh mostly hadn’t felt it was worth arguing about it and done it.

But this: a choice freely offered... It was what he’d asked for.

And Ray had listened.

“I’ll stay with them,” he said softly.

Ray nodded but didn’t make him explain that he didn’t want to be alone when he felt like he might start crying again. Or maybe not, he reconsidered, as his omega gave him a warm smile and a playful salute before turning back to the kitchen.

&

Josh parked the Jeep already thinking of dinner, and he was so distracted that he almost missed Gabriel sitting on the porch. He wouldn’t be sitting if it was an emergency, his brain rushed to reassure him, but it did little for his sudden nerves. Gabriel wasn’t the type to watch the stars and he was already getting to his feet now that Josh was out of the car.

“No one’s hurt,” Ray’s cousin said when Josh was still across the front part of land they called the front garden, despite there being no fences or even a picnic table to earn it the name.

“Yet?” Josh asked between gritted teeth. He wasn’t an idiot and too much had gone wrong already for this to be anything other than terrible.

“We have been waiting for you,” Gabriel said and got right to the point. “We have to tell him something, and he’s not going to take it well.”

“We?” Josh repeated. “Who’s we? How... Alec.” He saw it at once. He’d seen how Gabriel had taken to hanging all over Alec lately, and Alec was a doctor. Alec had told Josh he was going to figure out what was going on with Ray. “He knows what’s wrong.” He almost took it back, because nothing was wrong just because the alphas didn’t need their omega...

But Gabriel didn’t give him enough time. “Yes, he’s figured it out. And you need to hear it now, and then you need to prove you are ready to become First Alpha and keep Ray from falling apart when we tell him.”

“What?” Josh echoed. “I don’t... I don’t want to be First Alpha.”

“Well, tough,” Gabriel snapped. “Because he needs one and there’s no one else he will ask.”

Josh clenched his jaw, gave himself a moment to exhale, then breathe in again. “How bad is it?” he asked, because he was a coward and he couldn’t face it quite yet.

“Nobody is dead,” Gabriel said. “Well, that piece of shit alpha is. That’s all the good news I have for you.”

Josh met his eyes. “Say it.”

“He’s pregnant.”