Ray looked up as soon as Josh walked through his open door. He was alone so there was no reason to leave it open unless he wanted company. But maybe he had forgotten it was Iesu's and Sergi's turns to babysit.

"You busy?" Josh checked, stopping himself.

"Ah, no," Ray said, looking away. He wasn't drawing for once but looking at a spreadsheet on his old laptop.

"Is that the bills? I can help if you want."

Ray glanced up, clearly surprised. "You don't need to do that. Gabriel and I got it covered, and Marisa's taken over buying the household supplies. She's insisting everything needs to be bought in bulk so I have to figure out how much of each thing we use."

"That's why you need more storage space, isn't it?" Josh joked, taking a seat on the extra chair Ray kept in a corner of his room—it was a huge room, to be fair.

"Well, it doesn't help," Ray admitted, smiling a little.

"I..." He hesitated and Ray's expression turned serious. "I wanted to ask you something."

Ray nodded for him to continue. He had to know what it was about, but it was still hard to bring himself to speak of it. "Well, I owe you that ice-cream," he said in the end, trying to keep it light.

"Oh, now?" Ray's heartbeat sped up a little and Josh was tempted to put a hand on his arm. Luckily, he’d sat down too far to reach out.

He clenched his fist instead and nodded. "Weather isn't going to get any warmer. You can get hot chocolate instead—"

Ray shook his head. "No. It's... Ice-cream, you promised me ice-cream."

Josh waited, uncertain if this was agreement or just very awkward banter.

Ray got to his feet and turned away. For a moment Josh thought he was meant to leave, then he saw that his friend was getting a pair of socks from his chest of drawers. "I need to talk to Iesu and Sergi." He picked his mobile up from his desk and Josh suddenly realised he'd been keeping it close lately when before he'd barely remembered to charge it.

Ray hadn't allowed himself to linger and the other alphas had pretended not to notice he was shaking a little when he asked them to call him to check all their phones were working. Josh stayed quiet, keeping Mikey and Maria entertained while their caretakers were busy checking their phones did what they were supposed to, and then followed Ray to the door without a word.

&

Ray headed for the passenger seat unthinkingly, but Josh spoke up, "You should drive."

Ray stopped cold and frowned at him. He'd learned to drive in Josh's Jeep, in fact, Josh had more or less taught him after Josh’s grandfather had decided Ray had got the hang of the basics. "What?"

"You have to practice, you might need to at some point."

His friend looked doubtful, but he took the keys. He didn't hesitate getting out of the driveway—a patch of ground they had flattened and cleaned but that was already growing weeds—and if he was gripping the steering wheel a little harder than was strictly necessary, Josh didn’t mention.

Josh put on some music—something bland and poppy to fill the silence—and looked out the window, trying to give Ray some space.

He couldn't stop listening for any signs of distress, but other than a bit of an accelerated heart rate that could have been due to the excitement of driving again, his friend remained steady throughout the journey. Josh turned to face him only when they approached the ice-cream parlour, but there was nowhere to park around the row of restaurants and clothing stores this late in the afternoon so Ray kept going.

"Do you want to call them?" Josh asked when Ray stopped the engine but didn't get out for a long minute.

Ray shook his head—now he was breathing heavily. "I... I have to do this."

"You are," Josh insisted. "But you don't need to suffer through it."

"I... Maybe when we get to Freggo's," Ray decided and shoved the door open hard enough to make Josh wince.

He kept his complaint back—much as he loved the Jeep his grandfather had given him when he'd presented, he couldn't ask Ray for more.

The place didn't look like much, but their product was well worth the trip. Despite being best friends all their lives, Ray and he weren't particularly similar in their tastes, but they were both in agreement over their appreciation for sweet, creamy goods. They'd spent many a day after school sitting in a corner—Josh often going for hot chocolate while Ray insisted on ice-cream even in December. Watching him eat it was almost as much of a treat as his own dessert—even if he had to be careful not to get too lost in the view for fear of giving away his enjoyment.

Of course, that had turned out to be the stupidest thing he could have done. If he had just told Ray... or even been obvious enough for Ray to tell him... But that chance was gone. What mattered now was that Josh got Ray past this. If he didn’t and Ray went into heat... Technically, Josh knew what had happened to Ray wasn’t his fault, but technically wouldn’t cut it for his wolf or for his guilt—every cell in his body knew he was meant to protect his mate. He’d known long before Ray had been his mate. Even when the hand fate dealt Ray had nothing to do with Josh at all—like his father’s unexpected death—it had always felt like it was Josh’s place to be there when things got tough.

Ray hadn’t chosen Josh for it, maybe, but he’d held on when Josh had opened his arms. He’d stayed by Josh’s side when he’d got his own shitty cards. He had told Josh he had feelings for him.

Not that Josh expected that to come up again.

He'd been wrong to doubt Ray's feelings, apparently, but not about the results. He could have Ray in his bed, but he couldn't keep him there. Even if Ray had feelings for him—vague as that declaration was—he'd made it clear he was only confessing so he could move on.

Josh couldn’t blame him. Josh hadn’t lied, he’d been trying to protect Ray most of all; but Ray hadn’t been wrong, he’d wanted to be with Ray too badly to walk away.

He couldn’t help his feelings or his attraction, but he could have helped his silence. Ray had never asked to be protected or cared for; he’d just expected Josh to be his friend.

And being Ray’s alpha wasn’t that different from being his friend. He could do both: he would be there to show Ray the options he had and make more if he could.

He just had to hope that would be enough, and that Ray believed him when he said he could ask for anything if Josh couldn’t think of it first.

Ray had got a cup instead of a cone like he normally did and now he was eating it half-heartedly in a way that broke Josh's heart. He'd hoped the outing would be a treat, at least, stressful as it was bound to be.

"I'm calling now," he decided and whipped out his mobile before Ray could object.

Iesu picked up on the second ring and Josh could hear both Sergi and the pups in the background even as he reassured Josh that everyone was fine and they'd only let Clara chew on a table leg a little bit.

Ray heard and let out a shaky exhale. Josh tried to meet his eyes as he thanked Iesu, but his friend kept his gaze on the table top. "Okay, yeah, I'll talk to you later. Text me if there's anything we need to get."

His omega didn't thank him or even speak, but he picked up his spoon and ate some more of his dessert. Josh sipped at his drink, trying to focus on the flavour. This was their place, a safe space where they could relax and just chill. He thought about making a joke, or reminding Ray of the time someone had bumped him and he’d ended up with a faceful of ice-cream.

But before he could, Ray spoke, “I want you to take leadership of the pack.”

The words were so unexpected that it took Josh a moment to even understand them. "What?"

Ray still didn’t look up at him. "I want you to be First Alpha," he gritted out.

Josh barely held back a gasp. “You... you don’t have to do that. We... The other day, when I said it shouldn’t be only your responsibility, that’s not what I meant. I meant—”

“I know that,” Ray stopped him. “But you are the right choice.”

“Ray...” Josh said quietly. He didn't want to hurt Ray, as much as Ray was hurting him. Offering him what he'd always wanted because it was practical, when all Josh had ever wanted was for Ray to choose him because...

“You made the right call,” Ray explained patiently. Josh could barely hold back a scream—why was he being reasonable now? About this? Josh could accept that his mistakes were too big for Ray to ever forgive him, but Ray had to know that he was stomping all over Josh's heart. “I wasn’t around and you took care of them for me. So I want you to.”

"What about Gabriel...?" Josh objected weakly. It only crossed his mind because they had all half-expected Ray to give in and ask Gabriel at some point.

"Gabriel?" Ray spat and for once he didn’t need to push down what he really felt. "Gabriel left the pups when they were under attack!"

Josh could hardly disagree with that, but it was the first time Ray mentioned what had happened of his own volition. It wasn’t fair of Josh to insist that he talk about what had been done to him, but maybe if he could talk about Gabriel, about how all his alphas had failed him... "You were in danger, too," Josh said. "And we stayed, so..."

"So why didn't you leave them?" Ray challenged.

Josh felt like he’d been kicked in the face. "He came out after me, just when Marisa told us Ni—he,” Josh amended with a wince, “had gone to the kitchen after you. I think Gabriel just... reacted.”

“And you didn’t.”

“Clara got away from them, so I was holding her, I couldn’t really...” He shrugged, swallowing hard at the memory. He didn’t know why he was falling apart, when it’d been Ray who’d gone through the worst of it, but he could still feel Clara’s weight in his arms and heard Marisa’s terrified words.

“Josh,” Ray said softly. “I can’t make you tell me the truth, but I’ve known you too long to buy that.”

Josh sighed, then met his eyes. “You are not wrong, I’m not... Okay, Gabriel fucked up. He knows that, he’s told me. But he meant well and he acted to protect you, I don’t think... I am angry with him, too, but...” He looked down. “You have to let it go, or it’ll...”

“Forget Gabriel,” Ray asked him softly. “You stayed, even when you knew I was in danger, even when the moon rose. You stayed and you looked after them for me. You overcame every instinct, or maybe you listened to the right ones. I don’t care, because I know my children are safe with you. Can I fucking value you for that?”

Josh exhaled shakily, then swallowed thickly. His eyes were bright when he met Ray's. "Ray, I left you to... I—"

"No," Ray growled. He was tense as a bow, bent over the table as he gripped his own legs. "This was a mistake."

"I'm sorry..." Josh started, and then found he had no more to offer. He’d promised himself he’d give Ray time, take it one step at a time, and now he’d pushed him too far.

"Let's go home," he asked Josh very quietly.

Josh got up and followed him outside, let him lead the way to the car. Ray shoved his keys back at him and they sat in the Jeep for a long minute because Josh felt like he could barely breathe right, let alone drive.

"Josh?"

“I’m sorry, I just— Just give me a minute,” he asked, swallowing hard.

“Have you... Have you talked about this with anyone?” Ray asked him softly. Josh exhaled, shaky and so tense it hurt. He was half afraid of breaking the steering wheel. And then Ray placed a tentative hand on his shoulder and he let go so he could move away.

Ray took his hand away like he’d been burnt, already half mumbling an apology.

“No, don’t...” Josh asked. “I just... I know I have no right. I mean, I was scared and I... I’m glad I stayed but I...”

“You are not making sense, no right to what?”

“To this,” Josh tried to explain, gesturing at the car and his own body, his wet eyes and trembling hands. “It didn’t happen to me, I don’t know why I’m so freaked out. Maybe it’s the instincts, because I didn’t protect you...”

The words rang hollow between them and after a moment Ray confirmed it. “Don’t even. If I don’t get to talk about instinct bullshit, then you don’t either. And what the fuck is that? Of course you have a right to be upset! Are alphas not supposed to have feelings and nobody told me?”

“No,” Josh said at once. “But—”

“Josh,” Ray cut in. “I appreciate everything you are doing for me, but if you need me, you got me. I can be here for you.”

Josh looked up, shaking his head already. “That’s not fair. I can’t ask you—”

“You can. Maybe I’ll need to say no, but you can ask,” Ray insisted, eyes averted but utterly sincere.

"I don't... I can't do this if you don't talk to me," Josh said very quietly. He felt shitty saying it, but it was the truth. Ray deserved the truth. "I mean, you don't have to... I—Fuck, I'm not trying to make it about me. I just—I don't know how to help you." He wanted to take the words back as soon as they were out, but it was too late. And the way his eyes were burning, he thought if he didn’t let himself speak, he might simply break down and cry.

Ray looked right past him. "It wasn't your fault."

"I should have done something," Josh insisted.

"You did." Now Ray was more frustrated than angry. "You did exactly what I wanted you to do, in my head, in my heart of hearts."

Josh shook his head. "But I should have done something for you. I should have checked on you sooner, and I should have tracked you down, gone after you once we rounded them up."

"But if Gabriel came straight for me, and you stayed to round his friends up..." Ray narrated. "You didn't have time."

"I—" Josh cut himself off, unable to find the words. "I don't know. I didn't do enough."

"I invited them to join the pack," Ray said quietly. "And I changed my mind, that's what freaked him out so badly. And then I asked him in for fucking tea and didn't tell anyone."

Josh had to fist his hands to keep himself from breaking something. He couldn’t afford to replace the steering wheel, or the window. "You shouldn't have to tell anyone! Why would you need to tell someone that you're having someone over for tea—"

"I knew what he wanted from me, he told me, and I—"

And suddenly Josh was gripping his wrist, hard and implacable, and Ray raised his head to meet his eyes. "No," he said. "Please don't, don't tell me you believe that. You can't believe that... that it was your fault." Ray looked away, curling into himself. "Okay, I get it. I know where you are coming from. I feel that way too, like there must have been something. Like I could have stopped it, because... Because I need you to be safe, and I can't spend every second of every day with you. So if somehow you were responsible—"

"But you could," Ray said after a moment. "If you... if you were my First Alpha. You'd know where I am."

“Ray,” Josh said, feeling like Ray had just ripped his heart right out of his chest. Ray shook in his grip, flinching a little when Josh added, “I can’t.” Ray kept his mouth shut, and turned his face away to look out the passenger side window. “If you... if you were okay,” Josh offered tentatively.

Ray didn’t look back at him. He didn’t pull his hand back, but Josh let go anyway. “I’ll take you home,” he said when Ray didn’t answer.

Ray let him.